2017 00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:16,932 2017 Go ahead and do the lights. 2017 2017 2 2017 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:26,647 2017 Go ahead. 2017 2017 3 2017 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:30,991 2017 Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K. 2017 2017 4 2017 00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:14,869 2017 Hello. 2017 2017 5 2017 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:17,695 2017 Thank you. 2017 2017 6 2017 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,708 2017 Thank you very much. 2017 2017 7 2017 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:22,542 2017 Thank you. 2017 2017 8 2017 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,293 2017 Um... 2017 2017 9 2017 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,586 2017 So, you know, I think abortion is, um... 2017 2017 10 2017 00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:28,626 2017 I... 2017 2017 11 2017 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,546 2017 Here's what I think. 2017 2017 12 2017 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,505 2017 Here's what I... This is what I think. 2017 2017 13 2017 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:40,813 2017 Here's what I think. I... 2017 2017 14 2017 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:46,192 2017 I think you should not get an abortion 2017 unless you need one. 2017 2017 15 2017 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:53,072 2017 In which case... 2017 In which case, you'd better get one. 2017 2017 16 2017 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,284 2017 I mean, seriously. 2017 2017 17 2017 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:59,203 2017 If you need an abortion, 2017 you'd better get one. 2017 2017 18 2017 00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,001 2017 Don't fuck around. 2017 2017 19 2017 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,209 2017 And hurry. 2017 2017 20 2017 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,589 2017 Not getting an abortion 2017 that you need is like not taking a shit. 2017 2017 21 2017 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:10,711 2017 That's how bad that is. 2017 2017 22 2017 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:13,176 2017 It's like not taking a shit. 2017 2017 23 2017 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:14,679 2017 That's what I think. 2017 2017 24 2017 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:18,264 2017 I think abortion is exactly like 2017 taking a shit. 2017 2017 25 2017 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:24,557 2017 I think it is 100% 2017 the exact same thing as taking a shit. 2017 2017 26 2017 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,057 2017 Or it isn't. 2017 2017 27 2017 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,398 2017 It is, or it isn't. 2017 2017 28 2017 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:36,489 2017 It's either taking a shit, 2017 or it's killing a baby. 2017 2017 29 2017 00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,332 2017 It's only one of those two things. 2017 2017 30 2017 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,457 2017 It's no other things. 2017 2017 31 2017 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:50,133 2017 If you didn't like hearing 2017 it's like taking a shit, 2017 2017 32 2017 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:54,722 2017 you think it's killing a baby. 2017 That's the only other one you get to have. 2017 2017 33 2017 00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:58,718 2017 Which means you should be holding a sign 2017 in front of the place. 2017 2017 34 2017 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:04,848 2017 People hate abortion protesters. 2017 They're so shrill and awful. 2017 2017 35 2017 00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,805 2017 They think babies are being murdered. 2017 2017 36 2017 00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:11,898 2017 What are they supposed to be like? 2017 Uh, that's not cool. 2017 2017 37 2017 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,113 2017 I don't wanna be a dick about it, though. 2017 2017 38 2017 00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,781 2017 I don't want to ruin their day as they 2017 murder several babies all the time. 2017 2017 39 2017 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,497 2017 I don't think it's killing a baby. 2017 I don't. 2017 2017 40 2017 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,619 2017 I mean, it is, it's a little bit... 2017 2017 41 2017 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,707 2017 It's a little bit killing a baby. 2017 It's a little bit... 2017 2017 42 2017 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:36,473 2017 It's 100% killing a baby. 2017 It's totally killing a whole baby. 2017 2017 43 2017 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:45,017 2017 But I think that women should be allowed 2017 to kill babies. 2017 2017 44 2017 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,020 2017 That's what I think. 2017 2017 45 2017 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,308 2017 They should be allowed to kill babies. 2017 2017 46 2017 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,522 2017 Yeah. 2017 2017 47 2017 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,280 2017 Whoo! 2017 2017 48 2017 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,204 2017 We get to kill babies! 2017 2017 49 2017 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,987 2017 Let's do some shots and kill some babies. 2017 2017 50 2017 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:07,405 2017 I killed like four babies last night. 2017 It was fucking retarded. 2017 2017 51 2017 00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:14,915 2017 It has to be one or the other. 2017 2017 52 2017 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:19,965 2017 You know, like, when people say, 2017 abortion should be legal, safe and rare. 2017 2017 53 2017 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,851 2017 Why rare if it should be legal? 2017 2017 54 2017 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,970 2017 If it should be legal, 2017 it's... It's shitting. 2017 2017 55 2017 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:31,900 2017 If it should be rare, 2017 it's murdering babies. 2017 2017 56 2017 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,400 2017 But, again, women should be allowed 2017 because... 2017 2017 57 2017 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,901 2017 Two reasons I think women 2017 should be allowed to kill babies. 2017 2017 58 2017 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:41,066 2017 Number one, 2017 I don't think life is that important. 2017 2017 59 2017 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:42,908 2017 It's just not. 2017 2017 60 2017 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,332 2017 It is not. 2017 2017 61 2017 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,501 2017 People get too excited... 2017 2017 62 2017 00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,627 2017 about life. "Oh, life." 2017 2017 63 2017 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,919 2017 Fuck you. It's not that... 2017 2017 64 2017 00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,883 2017 Make a list of every shitty thing ever, 2017 that's in life. 2017 2017 65 2017 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,889 2017 Life is okay. I like life. 2017 2017 66 2017 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,308 2017 I like it. I don't need it. 2017 2017 67 2017 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,104 2017 I'd be fine without it. 2017 2017 68 2017 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:16,193 2017 I like life, though. I do. 2017 You know how much I like life? 2017 2017 69 2017 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,936 2017 I have never killed myself. 2017 2017 70 2017 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,198 2017 - That's how much I like it. 2017 - Whoo! 2017 2017 71 2017 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:25,617 2017 That's exactly how much I like it, 2017 with a razor-thin margin. 2017 2017 72 2017 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:30,163 2017 I like it precisely enough 2017 to not kill myself. 2017 2017 73 2017 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,457 2017 It's an option, though. 2017 It's totally an option. 2017 2017 74 2017 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,416 2017 I mean, I'm 49. I have two kids. 2017 2017 75 2017 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:37,800 2017 I've flipped through the brochure 2017 a few times. 2017 2017 76 2017 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:44,094 2017 I've thought of killing myself just 2017 to win an argument. 2017 2017 77 2017 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:51,313 2017 Not supposed to talk about suicide, 2017 even to your shrink. 2017 2017 78 2017 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:55,523 2017 You ever go to a shrink and they're like, 2017 Have you had thoughts... of suicide? 2017 2017 79 2017 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:58,685 2017 And you're like, "No, because 2017 if I say yes, you'll press a button, 2017 2017 80 2017 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,185 2017 and folks will run in and hold me... 2017 Hold him down! 2017 2017 81 2017 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,534 2017 You should talk about it. 2017 2017 82 2017 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:11,035 2017 The whole world is just made of people 2017 who didn't kill themselves today. 2017 2017 83 2017 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,291 2017 That's who's here. 2017 2017 84 2017 00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:18,094 2017 It's all of us that went, 2017 Okay, fuck it, keep doing it. 2017 2017 85 2017 00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:22,966 2017 It's... 2017 2017 86 2017 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,306 2017 It's an interesting thing about life. 2017 2017 87 2017 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,848 2017 Life can get very difficult, 2017 very sad, very upsetting. 2017 2017 88 2017 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,562 2017 But you don't have to do it. 2017 You don't have to do it. 2017 2017 89 2017 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,023 2017 You don't have to do anything. 2017 2017 90 2017 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:39,443 2017 You never have to do anything 2017 because you can kill yourself. 2017 2017 91 2017 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,777 2017 If they send you a letter 2017 from Motor Vehicles, come in and: 2017 2017 92 2017 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,362 2017 No, I don't. I'll kill myself. 2017 2017 93 2017 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,405 2017 You can do that. You can do that once. 2017 2017 94 2017 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:49,832 2017 But you can do it. 2017 2017 95 2017 00:06:55,540 --> 00:07:00,050 2017 It's interesting because even when life 2017 gets bad, people choose it over nothing. 2017 2017 96 2017 00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:03,798 2017 Even the worst versions of life, 2017 even a shitty, shitty life, 2017 2017 97 2017 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:06,127 2017 is worth living, apparently. 2017 2017 98 2017 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,345 2017 'Cause folks are living the fuck out 2017 of them. 2017 2017 99 2017 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:15,023 2017 Have you ever seen somebody, you're like, 2017 "He should kill himself. 100 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,191 Why did he not... that dude..." 2017 2017 101 2017 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:22,400 2017 Ever been driving and you look 2017 in the next car, you're like, "Ugh, shit. 2017 2017 102 2017 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,700 2017 I wish I hadn't looked in that car. 2017 2017 103 2017 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,117 2017 That was difficult to glance at... 2017 2017 104 2017 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,618 2017 let alone being it." 2017 2017 105 2017 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,288 2017 Just a guy in a... 2017 2017 106 2017 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,289 2017 In a tan car. 2017 2017 107 2017 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:41,384 2017 Nobody chooses tan. 2017 2017 108 2017 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,262 2017 Nobody picks tan for their car. 2017 2017 109 2017 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,796 2017 They give you tan. 2017 2017 110 2017 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:53,347 2017 Is that mine? "Yeah, it's yours, 2017 fucking loser. Made it tan." 2017 2017 111 2017 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,851 2017 They shouldn't even make tan cars. 2017 It's mean to make them. 2017 2017 112 2017 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:04,402 2017 You look over, you see a guy in a tan car 2017 with dents all over it 2017 2017 113 2017 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,074 2017 and a garbage bag for a window. 2017 2017 114 2017 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,544 2017 What is holding up his suicide? 2017 2017 115 2017 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:21,132 2017 What is delaying it? 2017 2017 116 2017 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:26,418 2017 What is keeping him 2017 from stopping being that? 2017 2017 117 2017 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,138 2017 And what would it take? 2017 2017 118 2017 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,640 2017 What would it take? 2017 2017 119 2017 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,886 2017 What would it take? 2017 2017 120 2017 00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,516 2017 Both windows are garbage bags? Is that...? 2017 2017 121 2017 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:50,531 2017 Seriously, do you know how much misery 2017 is involved in a garbage bag for a window? 2017 2017 122 2017 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:54,663 2017 Do you know how many separate moments 2017 of shit misery? 2017 2017 123 2017 00:08:57,078 --> 00:09:01,418 2017 "They canceled my insurance. I broke my window. 124 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,330 Duct tape." 2017 2017 125 2017 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:11,222 2017 Here's the truth. Running away will not 2017 solve your problems. That's totally true. 2017 2017 126 2017 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,471 2017 But killing yourself solves 2017 all your problems. 2017 2017 127 2017 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,970 2017 It actually does. 2017 2017 128 2017 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,385 2017 It even solves world's problems. 2017 2017 129 2017 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:18,977 2017 For you. 2017 2017 130 2017 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,444 2017 Hey, what about ISIS? 2017 2017 131 2017 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,440 2017 "Kill yourself. 132 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,266 Then they'll never get you." 2017 2017 133 2017 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,275 2017 Seriously, 2017 if everybody who's afraid of ISIS 2017 2017 134 2017 00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,822 2017 kills themselves right now, 2017 2017 135 2017 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,704 2017 then ISIS loses. 2017 2017 136 2017 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:39,374 2017 Because they live in a world of people 2017 that don't give a shit. 2017 2017 137 2017 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,331 2017 We're gonna cut his head off! 2017 2017 138 2017 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:44,628 2017 Yeah, okay. 2017 2017 139 2017 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:49,756 2017 It's not fun now. 2017 2017 140 2017 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,483 2017 I think the worst part 2017 of being beheaded... 2017 2017 141 2017 00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,152 2017 If... 2017 2017 142 2017 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:12,280 2017 The worst thing about being beheaded 2017 is that you look really dumb right after. 2017 2017 143 2017 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:13,572 2017 That's the worst part. 2017 2017 144 2017 00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,525 2017 They go like that, and you're like: 2017 Duh. 2017 2017 145 2017 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,204 2017 Just that fucking dopey... 2017 2017 146 2017 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,840 2017 I don't think they like beheading 2017 bald people 'cause they can't do this... 2017 2017 147 2017 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:27,918 2017 That's the best part. 2017 2017 148 2017 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,798 2017 They got to go like this. 2017 2017 149 2017 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,047 2017 It's not as cool. 2017 2017 150 2017 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:39,639 2017 So, just shave the top of your head, 2017 and you won't have to worry about it. 2017 2017 151 2017 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:46,351 2017 So, that's the first reason. 2017 2017 152 2017 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:51,110 2017 That's the first reason I think 2017 women should be allowed to kill babies. 2017 2017 153 2017 00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:55,738 2017 'Cause life is not so important. 2017 2017 154 2017 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,872 2017 The second reason 2017 is because that's their job. 2017 2017 155 2017 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:01,539 2017 Women have to decide who lives and dies. 2017 2017 156 2017 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,869 2017 That's because they're the female 2017 of the species. 2017 2017 157 2017 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:07,375 2017 In the reproductive arena, 2017 that's what the female does. 2017 2017 158 2017 00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,708 2017 They are the selectors. 2017 They have to decide this. 2017 2017 159 2017 00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:13,463 2017 We give them this responsibility 2017 when we fuck them. 2017 2017 160 2017 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,928 2017 We go, "Here, you decide 2017 what to do with this shit." 2017 2017 161 2017 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,465 2017 See you later. 2017 2017 162 2017 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,270 2017 She has to figure out 2017 if you should have kids, 2017 2017 163 2017 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:26,979 2017 if she should have them. That's her job. 2017 Because women have judgment. 2017 2017 164 2017 00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,395 2017 They have judgment. 2017 Men don't have judgment. 2017 2017 165 2017 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,476 2017 Men have intent. 2017 2017 166 2017 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:37,609 2017 Men just want to spray the world 2017 with their cum, just mist. 2017 2017 167 2017 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,873 2017 "More of me. 168 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,287 More of me." 2017 2017 169 2017 00:11:56,841 --> 00:12:00,601 2017 It's her job to go, 2017 "That's enough of you, I think. 170 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,644 No, that's really enough." 2017 2017 171 2017 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,108 2017 I don't think that face needs to repeat. 2017 2017 172 2017 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,614 2017 I've seen your father, 2017 and it's not getting better. 2017 2017 173 2017 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,704 2017 She doesn't realize this 2017 until after you fuck her. 2017 2017 174 2017 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:24,542 2017 That's actually when she really knows, 2017 is when you're like, "Yeah!" 2017 2017 175 2017 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,329 2017 And she's like, "I'm not having 2017 this piece of shit's baby." 2017 2017 176 2017 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,747 2017 And that's why abortion is the last line 2017 of defense 2017 2017 177 2017 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,219 2017 against shitty people in the species. 2017 2017 178 2017 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:42,891 2017 So, we need them 2017 to abort every shitty baby. 2017 2017 179 2017 00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:50,646 2017 I mean, all animals do this. 2017 Animals do it late. 2017 2017 180 2017 00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:52,364 2017 They have the baby. 2017 2017 181 2017 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,228 2017 Then they're like, "You know what? 2017 It's cold. I'm gonna eat this one." 2017 2017 182 2017 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,829 2017 "But when is it okay? When should they be allowed?" 2017 2017 183 2017 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,411 2017 When it's in their pussy. 2017 That whole time. 2017 2017 184 2017 00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:12,334 2017 It's in her pussy. 2017 2017 185 2017 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,842 2017 If there's a dude in your pussy, 2017 you get to kill him. 2017 2017 186 2017 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,376 2017 I think that's pretty fundamental. 2017 2017 187 2017 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,764 2017 You're allowed to kill people 2017 if they're in your house. 2017 2017 188 2017 00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:36,482 2017 So... that's what I think. 2017 2017 189 2017 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,652 2017 I have two kids. 2017 2017 190 2017 00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,076 2017 I try to be a better person 2017 around my kids. 2017 2017 191 2017 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,040 2017 I try to change my behavior around them. 2017 2017 192 2017 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,121 2017 Like, I have rules in my house, 2017 they all apply to me. 2017 2017 193 2017 00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,959 2017 Like, I have a rule 2017 that I don't curse around my kids. 2017 2017 194 2017 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,210 2017 That's a rule. It does happen. 2017 2017 195 2017 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,297 2017 You have a stressful moment, 2017 and you're with your kids, 2017 2017 196 2017 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,388 2017 so, you say something by mistake. 2017 2017 197 2017 00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:08,139 2017 One time I was making dinner for my kids, 2017 and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup. 2017 2017 198 2017 00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:11,101 2017 And I said, "Here's your fucking soup." 2017 2017 199 2017 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:15,726 2017 But, uh... 2017 2017 200 2017 00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:21,569 2017 You can see 2017 how that was a tough... situation. 2017 2017 201 2017 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:31,954 2017 You're supposed to teach your kids right 2017 from wrong. I don't know, it's confusing. 2017 2017 202 2017 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,788 2017 Some people raise their kids religiously 2017 and that covers it. 2017 2017 203 2017 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,004 2017 They kind of go, all this. Do that. 2017 2017 204 2017 00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,883 2017 I'm not raising my kids religiously 2017 because I don't feel like it. 2017 2017 205 2017 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,133 2017 Get up on a Sunday? Fuck that. 2017 2017 206 2017 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,137 2017 Fuck that. 2017 2017 207 2017 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,060 2017 Let your souls rot, kids. I don't care. 2017 I'm not getting... 2017 2017 208 2017 00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:53,234 2017 Daddy, who's Jesus? 2017 None of your business. Go back to bed. 2017 2017 209 2017 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:00,980 2017 But my kids, they're living in the world. 2017 2017 210 2017 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:04,197 2017 There's a lot of religion in the world. 2017 You have to teach your kids. 2017 2017 211 2017 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:07,488 2017 If you're not raising them religiously, 2017 you teach them about religion. 2017 2017 212 2017 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:08,953 2017 I tell my kids the same thing. 2017 2017 213 2017 00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:12,873 2017 I tell them that there are many religions 2017 in the world, and they're all equal. 2017 2017 214 2017 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,464 2017 But the Christians are the main one. 2017 2017 215 2017 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,754 2017 That's what I tell them. 2017 2017 216 2017 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:19,134 2017 The Christians won. 2017 2017 217 2017 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,424 2017 They're the winners. 2017 2017 218 2017 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,263 2017 So, act accordingly. 2017 2017 219 2017 00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,757 2017 Congratulate Christians 2017 when you meet them. 2017 2017 220 2017 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,010 2017 Because they won the world. 2017 2017 221 2017 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,433 2017 And it's true. It's true. 2017 2017 222 2017 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:37,936 2017 We love to tell ourselves, like, 2017 Every religion is exactly... 2017 2017 223 2017 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:40,060 2017 No. No, they're not. 2017 2017 224 2017 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,651 2017 The Christians won everything. 2017 2017 225 2017 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,817 2017 A long time ago. 2017 2017 226 2017 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:49,069 2017 If you don't believe me, let me ask you 2017 a question. What year is it? 2017 2017 227 2017 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,252 2017 I mean, come on. 2017 2017 228 2017 00:15:56,038 --> 00:16:00,748 2017 What year is it according 2017 to the entire human race? 2017 2017 229 2017 00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:02,836 2017 And why? 2017 2017 230 2017 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,837 2017 What year is it? Anybody? 2017 Sir, just yell out the year. 2017 2017 231 2017 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:08,297 2017 Thank you. 20... 2016? 2017 2017 232 2017 00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,184 2017 No, it's 20... That's right. 2017 2017 233 2017 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:13,932 2017 It's 2017. What is that? 2017 2017 234 2017 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,095 2017 That's a number. 2017 2017 235 2017 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:16,681 2017 It's not just any number. 2017 2017 236 2017 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,687 2017 It must be a very important number. 2017 2017 237 2017 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:23,021 2017 'Cause we're counting to it 2017 in unison as a species. 2017 2017 238 2017 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,689 2017 For thousands of years, we've been going: 2017 2017 239 2017 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:29,526 2017 "One, two, three... 240 00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:31,624 Come on, everybody, four... " 2017 2017 241 2017 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:35,329 2017 Now, come on, Africa, five, six..." 2017 2017 242 2017 00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:40,118 2017 What is this number? 2017 2017 243 2017 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:43,498 2017 We're counting the days since what? 2017 2017 244 2017 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,626 2017 Since there was ever people? 2017 2017 245 2017 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:49,593 2017 Or since the sun did something? 2017 2017 246 2017 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,298 2017 Not at all. 2017 2017 247 2017 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:58,099 2017 It's been 2017 years since what? 2017 Anybody, yell it out. 2017 2017 248 2017 00:16:58,434 --> 00:16:59,274 2017 Christ! 2017 2017 249 2017 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,267 2017 Yes. Christ! 2017 2017 250 2017 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,321 2017 Christ! 2017 2017 251 2017 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:07,936 2017 That's right. 2017 2017 252 2017 00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:16,451 2017 It's been 2017 years since Christ! 2017 2017 253 2017 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,001 2017 Jesus. 2017 2017 254 2017 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:26,836 2017 We are counting the days since Jesus. 2017 2017 255 2017 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,378 2017 Together. 2017 2017 256 2017 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,839 2017 Which makes sense if you're Christian. 2017 2017 257 2017 00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:34,506 2017 But what the fuck 2017 are the rest of us doing? 2017 2017 258 2017 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:43,104 2017 "Jesus was here. Jesus was here. Jesus was here." 2017 2017 259 2017 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,727 2017 Everybody. Scientists, historians. 2017 2017 260 2017 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,566 2017 "Jesus. 261 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,944 Jesus." 2017 2017 262 2017 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:56,027 2017 "Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three, Jesus plus four." 2017 2017 263 2017 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:04,998 2017 Jesus plus 2017 years, 2017 four months and three days 2017 2017 264 2017 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,844 2017 is when your license expires. 2017 2017 265 2017 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,642 2017 How is that not a win for the Christians? 2017 2017 266 2017 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,810 2017 How is that not a complete win? 2017 2017 267 2017 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,059 2017 That's not a Monday off in October. 2017 2017 268 2017 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:31,360 2017 That's, "There was no time before Jesus." 2017 2017 269 2017 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,361 2017 And the whole world went, "Okay. 2017 2017 270 2017 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,160 2017 Sure." 2017 2017 271 2017 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,827 2017 Then somebody was like, 2017 "What about the years before him? 272 00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:42,410 There were billions. I mean, infinity." 2017 2017 273 2017 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,617 2017 Those go backwards. 2017 2017 274 2017 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:52,587 2017 "You want us to measure most of history backwards? 275 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,719 To accommodate one religion?" 2017 2017 276 2017 00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:57,215 2017 Uh-huh. 2017 2017 277 2017 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,598 2017 "All right, we'll do it, it's fine. We'll do it." 2017 2017 278 2017 00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:07,939 2017 The whole world. You ever watch 2017 New Year's Eve around the world? 2017 2017 279 2017 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:11,192 2017 They always show you how every country 2017 celebrates. It's kind of cool. 2017 2017 280 2017 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,185 2017 The first is one little island. 2017 2017 281 2017 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:16,947 2017 It's the first place that's actually 2017 the place that it's the year. 2017 2017 282 2017 00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,121 2017 It's a little island in the Pacific. 2017 I forget. 2017 2017 283 2017 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,410 2017 They do a little ceremony 2017 for New Year's Eve every year. 2017 2017 284 2017 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,285 2017 And they just wear grass. 2017 2017 285 2017 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:28,714 2017 'Cause they don't even have sticks yet. 2017 They're in the grass age. 2017 2017 286 2017 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,924 2017 They have no clocks. 2017 2017 287 2017 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:33,707 2017 But they do a dance. 2017 2017 288 2017 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,349 2017 2017. 2017 2017 289 2017 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,440 2017 And it goes around the world, 2017 Oh, the 2017. 2017 2017 290 2017 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:57,283 2017 Death to all Christians in 2017. 2017 2017 291 2017 00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,448 2017 The Jews are quietly keeping track. 2017 2017 292 2017 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,538 2017 It's really 5,766. 2017 2017 293 2017 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,383 2017 But that's for us. We're just... 2017 2017 294 2017 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:10,997 2017 That's okay. 2017 2017 295 2017 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:15,628 2017 We're keeping track for when you 2017 snap out of it. It's all right. I'll... 2017 2017 296 2017 00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,426 2017 I'll write yours on my check. 2017 I don't want a problem. 2017 2017 297 2017 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,720 2017 What about Chinese New Year? 2017 2017 298 2017 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:28,099 2017 Yeah, what about Chinese New Year? 2017 2017 299 2017 00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,522 2017 All right, 2017 next time you're doing your taxes, 2017 2017 300 2017 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:36,073 2017 just write "monkey" where the year goes. 2017 2017 301 2017 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,486 2017 Just put monkey. 2017 2017 302 2017 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,701 2017 See what happens to your funds. 2017 2017 303 2017 00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:50,043 2017 No. It's 2017, year of our Lord... 2017 2017 304 2017 00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,288 2017 Jesus o'clock on the nose. 2017 2017 305 2017 00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:57,415 2017 And they made it up, 2017 that's the weirdest part. 2017 2017 306 2017 00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:01,796 2017 They got to rename years 2017 that had already taken place. 2017 2017 307 2017 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,683 2017 'Cause, you know, 2017 that's not what those years were. 2017 2017 308 2017 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,389 2017 You know that, right? 2017 That the year three... 2017 2017 309 2017 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:10,098 2017 wasn't the year three... 2017 2017 310 2017 00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:13,153 2017 during the year three. 2017 2017 311 2017 00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:18,444 2017 Nobody was walking around back then, 2017 Hey, what year is it? "It's three." 2017 2017 312 2017 00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:26,869 2017 "Yeah, but I'm 28. 313 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,248 How can I be 28... 314 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,503 if there's only been three?" 2017 2017 315 2017 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:39,631 2017 "Oh, well, see, you were born in BC 24. 316 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,342 And there's a zero. Remember it went backwards? 317 00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,886 Oh, shit. That was stressful. I hated those years." 2017 2017 318 2017 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:47,809 2017 What was that like? 2017 2017 319 2017 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:50,184 2017 What year is it? "Ten." 2017 2017 320 2017 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:52,190 2017 What year is it now? "Nine." 2017 2017 321 2017 00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:55,113 2017 What the fuck is gonna happen?! 2017 2017 322 2017 00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:06,083 2017 So, I don't know what to tell my kids. 2017 2017 323 2017 00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:10,078 2017 My kids, they wanted a dog. 2017 So, I got them a dog. 2017 2017 324 2017 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,672 2017 I got them a dog, which was a mistake. 2017 I shouldn't have gotten the dog. 2017 2017 325 2017 00:22:13,749 --> 00:22:16,249 2017 Because we rescued a dog. 2017 2017 326 2017 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,835 2017 #NAME? 2017 - Whoo! 2017 2017 327 2017 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,090 2017 Yes, you must re... yes, always rescue. 2017 2017 328 2017 00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:24,891 2017 If you get a dog, get a rescue dog. 2017 2017 329 2017 00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:26,469 2017 Don't get a puppy... 2017 2017 330 2017 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:32,603 2017 from those horrible people 2017 who professionally raise dogs carefully. 2017 2017 331 2017 00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:35,021 2017 No. 2017 2017 332 2017 00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:39,225 2017 You need to just get a mystery dog... 2017 2017 333 2017 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,820 2017 that's been beaten and abused 2017 2017 334 2017 00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:47,866 2017 and traumatized 2017 on the streets of Puerto Rico. 2017 2017 335 2017 00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:52,079 2017 And can't talk about it to anyone now. 2017 2017 336 2017 00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:54,622 2017 They never know. 2017 2017 337 2017 00:22:55,124 --> 00:22:58,094 2017 Do you know anything about the dog? 2017 "Uh, she's afraid of pennies. 338 00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:03,974 So, we think maybe somebody's been throwing handfuls of pennies at her face. 339 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:06,844 But, otherwise, no." 2017 2017 340 2017 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,719 2017 So, you take this random dog 2017 2017 341 2017 00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,766 2017 and just put it in your house 2017 with your family, 2017 2017 342 2017 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,730 2017 and watch their personality unfold. 2017 2017 343 2017 00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:23,943 2017 This dog is insane. 2017 2017 344 2017 00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:29,533 2017 I'll walk into the kitchen, and the dog 2017 is just standing there alone like this... 2017 2017 345 2017 00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:34,540 2017 I'm like, "You all right? 2017 2017 346 2017 00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:37,876 2017 Are you all right?" 2017 2017 347 2017 00:23:40,586 --> 00:23:42,246 2017 My kids are terrified of the dog. 2017 2017 348 2017 00:23:43,130 --> 00:23:45,300 2017 My daughter goes to pet the dog, 2017 dog goes like... 2017 2017 349 2017 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:49,012 2017 She's like, "Should I pet her?" "I don't 2017 think you should ever pet our dog, honey." 2017 2017 350 2017 00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:56,345 2017 I took her to the vet. 2017 I took the dog to ask her what to do. 2017 2017 351 2017 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,725 2017 The vet said, 2017 "Listen, I think there's something 352 00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:00,312 you should seriously consider." 2017 2017 353 2017 00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:03,193 2017 I was like, 2017 "Please be saying to kill this dog. 354 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:07,025 Please be a doctor that says the dog dies now." 2017 2017 355 2017 00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:10,986 2017 But she didn't. She said... 2017 2017 356 2017 00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:16,117 2017 She said, "I think you should consider 2017 Prozac... for the dog." 2017 2017 357 2017 00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:17,495 2017 I was like, "Really?" 2017 2017 358 2017 00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:20,291 2017 She said, "Yeah, it works. 2017 It calms the dog right down. 2017 2017 359 2017 00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,956 2017 But it's a big decision, 2017 and you should think about it." 2017 2017 360 2017 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,665 2017 I said, 2017 "Put four in her asshole right now. 361 00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,425 What do I have to think about? 362 00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:34,138 I don't give a shit what she's experiencing. 363 00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:36,233 Fucking fix it. 364 00:24:38,811 --> 00:24:41,111 Give her heroin. Shoot her up." 2017 2017 365 2017 00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:52,195 2017 Come on, puppy. 2017 2017 366 2017 00:24:59,415 --> 00:25:00,995 2017 Wow, your dog is really chill. 2017 2017 367 2017 00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,214 2017 "Yeah. 368 00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:06,589 It only costs $400 a day to keep her like that." 2017 2017 369 2017 00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:14,851 2017 I didn't always feel this way. 2017 I used to love animals. 2017 2017 370 2017 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,680 2017 I used to worry about animals. 2017 2017 371 2017 00:25:16,974 --> 00:25:18,184 2017 Just animals. 2017 2017 372 2017 00:25:18,934 --> 00:25:23,114 2017 When I was like 20, 2017 "Are all the doggies okay everywhere? 373 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:26,282 I certainly hope so." 2017 2017 374 2017 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,487 2017 But I'm 49, and I got two kids now. 2017 2017 375 2017 00:25:30,571 --> 00:25:34,491 2017 You know what happens? 2017 Your circle of concern tightens. 2017 2017 376 2017 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,954 2017 I have four nephews. 2017 I don't love any of them. 2017 2017 377 2017 00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:44,672 2017 Fuck a dog. 2017 2017 378 2017 00:25:47,588 --> 00:25:51,008 2017 You know those ads, like the PSA 2017 on television about abused animals? 2017 2017 379 2017 00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:54,051 2017 They show you a dog with, like, 2017 an empty socket, and he's like... 2017 2017 380 2017 00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:55,680 2017 And they're always wet. 2017 2017 381 2017 00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:58,523 2017 I feel like they hose them down 2017 before they film them. 2017 2017 382 2017 00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,901 2017 And the voice comes on, 2017 "Look at these dogs. 383 00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:08,571 These dogs are beaten every day. 384 00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:13,950 Please send us money so that this can stop." 2017 2017 385 2017 00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,040 2017 Are you beating up the dogs? 2017 2017 386 2017 00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:24,119 2017 How's my money fixing that? 2017 2017 387 2017 00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:30,258 2017 You see that PSA 2017 where they show you a sad man? 2017 2017 388 2017 00:26:30,339 --> 00:26:31,839 2017 He's very upset, a very sad man. 2017 2017 389 2017 00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:35,094 2017 He's holding a little sign, 2017 and it says, "Yeah, sure." 2017 2017 390 2017 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:38,639 2017 And he says, "This is the text 2017 that killed my daughter." 2017 2017 391 2017 00:26:39,097 --> 00:26:43,347 2017 'Cause somebody texted, "Yeah, sure," 2017 and ran over his kid, which is awful. 2017 2017 392 2017 00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:45,942 2017 Although maybe they were responding 2017 to a text 2017 2017 393 2017 00:26:46,313 --> 00:26:48,193 2017 that said, 2017 Can you please kill that kid? 2017 2017 394 2017 00:26:48,273 --> 00:26:50,153 2017 And so, they just... 2017 2017 395 2017 00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:52,439 2017 wrote back and did it. 2017 2017 396 2017 00:26:55,781 --> 00:26:57,451 2017 I'm not saying that makes it better. 2017 2017 397 2017 00:26:58,992 --> 00:27:00,952 2017 I'm just saying 2017 we don't have all the information. 2017 2017 398 2017 00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:08,878 2017 My kids and I were having breakfast 2017 the other day, 2017 2017 399 2017 00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:10,962 2017 and we're listening to NPR. 2017 2017 400 2017 00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:13,626 2017 We always listen to NPR, 2017 because we're better than you. 2017 2017 401 2017 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:15,215 2017 And... 2017 2017 402 2017 00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:20,345 2017 We're listening to NPR 2017 at breakfast the other morning. 2017 2017 403 2017 00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:23,100 2017 There was this story 2017 where they kept using this phrase. 2017 2017 404 2017 00:27:23,183 --> 00:27:25,483 2017 They kept saying, "9/11 deniers." 2017 2017 405 2017 00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:26,654 2017 They kept saying that. 2017 2017 406 2017 00:27:26,854 --> 00:27:28,524 2017 9/11 deniers. 2017 2017 407 2017 00:27:29,064 --> 00:27:30,984 2017 And my daughter was like, "What is that?" 2017 2017 408 2017 00:27:31,942 --> 00:27:35,952 2017 I said, "Well, it's a group of people that 2017 think September 11th was a conspiracy." 2017 2017 409 2017 00:27:36,321 --> 00:27:41,331 2017 And she said, "Oh, I thought 2017 they were saying nine 11-deniers." 2017 2017 410 2017 00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:53,384 2017 Yeah, she thought they meant nine people 2017 who just ain't buying this 11 bullshit. 2017 2017 411 2017 00:27:56,884 --> 00:28:01,224 2017 Just a small fringe group, really. 2017 There's only nine of them. 2017 2017 412 2017 00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,055 2017 But they still got on NPR. 2017 2017 413 2017 00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:08,562 2017 They got on the radio 2017 because... they're dedicated. 2017 2017 414 2017 00:28:09,813 --> 00:28:11,573 2017 They protest every day. 2017 2017 415 2017 00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:15,488 2017 They're the nine 11-deniers. 2017 2017 416 2017 00:28:17,029 --> 00:28:20,949 2017 They're outside of the White House, 2017 "It goes, 10, 12, 13! 417 00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,327 Me and my eight friends know it! 418 00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:31,166 We are the nine 11-deniers. 419 00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:38,087 We know that 11 is a bullshit number... 420 00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,852 propagated on the people by the man. 421 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,390 Why do we have 11? 422 00:28:47,684 --> 00:28:49,814 When we have 13, 423 00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:53,732 and 14 and 15... 424 00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:58,149 and 16, 17, 425 00:28:58,779 --> 00:29:02,319 motherfucking 18, and 19, 426 00:29:03,033 --> 00:29:06,123 but we do not have a one-teen. 427 00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:11,039 What happened to one-teen? 428 00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:14,707 The government took one-teen, 429 00:29:14,795 --> 00:29:18,585 and replaced it with some bullshit called 11. 430 00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:24,180 We are the nine that deny that shit. 431 00:29:27,683 --> 00:29:31,193 Mr. President, give us back one-teen!" 2017 2017 432 2017 00:29:37,276 --> 00:29:41,146 2017 I don't mean to offend 2017 any Chinese people with this stereotype. 2017 2017 433 2017 00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:42,662 2017 But... 2017 2017 434 2017 00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:46,537 2017 "That's right, I'm Chinese, motherfuckers. 435 00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:48,995 I'm from Beijing. 436 00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:53,044 I lived in Shanghai. 437 00:29:55,669 --> 00:29:57,959 I'm Chinese-er than a motherfucker. 438 00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:01,467 Chopsticks and whatnot." 2017 2017 439 2017 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,470 2017 Ha! All right. 2017 2017 440 2017 00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,175 2017 I'm sorry. 2017 2017 441 2017 00:30:08,098 --> 00:30:08,968 2017 Here's the thing... 2017 2017 442 2017 00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,518 2017 stereotypes are harmful. 2017 2017 443 2017 00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:15,306 2017 That's the truth. 2017 But the voices are funny. 2017 2017 444 2017 00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:19,605 2017 And I don't know how 2017 to reconcile those two facts. 2017 2017 445 2017 00:30:20,986 --> 00:30:22,486 2017 I enjoy doing the voices. 2017 2017 446 2017 00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,195 2017 But they're offensive. 2017 So, I do them at home. 2017 2017 447 2017 00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:27,578 2017 I used to do them for my kids. 2017 2017 448 2017 00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:29,909 2017 They liked them, 2017 didn't know it was a race thing. 2017 2017 449 2017 00:30:30,495 --> 00:30:32,405 2017 They enjoyed it. "Do the friendly man." 2017 2017 450 2017 00:30:32,497 --> 00:30:35,127 2017 "You want me to be the friendly man, little girl?" 2017 2017 451 2017 00:30:37,336 --> 00:30:38,666 2017 We love the friendly man. 2017 2017 452 2017 00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,464 2017 "He loves little white girls. 453 00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:41,757 Let's have some scrambled eggs." 2017 2017 454 2017 00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:51,482 2017 They grew up, and I was like, 2017 2017 455 2017 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,480 2017 "Don't talk about the friendly man at school. 456 00:30:55,437 --> 00:30:57,517 Maybe don't talk to your teachers about that." 2017 2017 457 2017 00:31:02,903 --> 00:31:05,243 2017 My kids go to public school 2017 in New York City. 2017 2017 458 2017 00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:08,332 2017 Yeah, all right. 2017 2017 459 2017 00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:10,742 2017 Send your kids there then. 2017 2017 460 2017 00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:13,752 2017 Yeah, it's good. It's good. 2017 2017 461 2017 00:31:14,122 --> 00:31:16,422 2017 To teach them 2017 that that's what life is like. 2017 2017 462 2017 00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:20,589 2017 The teachers amaze me because... 2017 I don't know, the worst... 2017 2017 463 2017 00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:24,800 2017 Here's the worst thing about this country, 2017 is that there's no more noble profession 2017 2017 464 2017 00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:26,513 2017 than to be a public school teacher. 2017 2017 465 2017 00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:28,353 2017 Please. Please, don't. 2017 2017 466 2017 00:31:28,428 --> 00:31:29,808 2017 You're not gonna like it. 2017 2017 467 2017 00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:32,308 2017 You're not gonna like where it's going. 2017 2017 468 2017 00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:35,483 2017 I don't recommend clapping at any things. 2017 2017 469 2017 00:31:36,103 --> 00:31:38,023 2017 You'll regret it at the end of the thing. 2017 2017 470 2017 00:31:41,691 --> 00:31:45,491 2017 In a democracy, there's no more 2017 noble contribution you can make 2017 2017 471 2017 00:31:45,570 --> 00:31:47,160 2017 than to teach in a public school. 2017 2017 472 2017 00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:51,579 2017 In this country, the people that do that, 2017 they're fucking losers. 2017 2017 473 2017 00:31:52,452 --> 00:31:57,122 2017 They're just rock-bottom fucking losers! 2017 2017 474 2017 00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:04,708 2017 And everybody knows it, 2017 but they keep doing it. 2017 2017 475 2017 00:32:05,257 --> 00:32:09,467 2017 New people are teaching every day, 2017 knowing how shitty it is. 2017 2017 476 2017 00:32:09,886 --> 00:32:11,676 2017 They show up, tell them ahead of time. 2017 2017 477 2017 00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:13,473 2017 Hi, what is this job? 2017 2017 478 2017 00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,887 2017 And they say, 2017 "Okay, here's what we need you to do. 479 00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:20,686 We need you to make children know math." 2017 2017 480 2017 00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:23,650 2017 Wow. 2017 2017 481 2017 00:32:23,900 --> 00:32:26,950 2017 Do they wanna know math? 2017 "No, they don't want to know it. 482 00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:30,866 You need to make them know it against their will. 483 00:32:31,658 --> 00:32:36,078 While they're exploding sexually and beating the shit out of each other." 2017 2017 484 2017 00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:43,213 2017 Who are these children? 2017 2017 485 2017 00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:45,335 2017 "Just whatever kids live near the building." 2017 2017 486 2017 00:32:54,055 --> 00:32:58,135 2017 Heh. "How much do I get paid?" 2017 About $10 every four years. 2017 2017 487 2017 00:33:02,522 --> 00:33:04,522 2017 What if I get good at it? What happens? 2017 2017 488 2017 00:33:04,608 --> 00:33:05,818 2017 "Nothing. Nothing happens. 489 00:33:06,276 --> 00:33:09,316 Nobody notices, and you get fired, and you die alone." 2017 2017 490 2017 00:33:13,116 --> 00:33:14,826 2017 Okay, I'll try it for 25 years. 2017 2017 491 2017 00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:20,169 2017 My daughter is learning 2017 about Greek mythology. 2017 2017 492 2017 00:33:20,540 --> 00:33:22,380 2017 And she's asking me questions about it. 2017 2017 493 2017 00:33:22,459 --> 00:33:24,749 2017 She's like, 2017 Daddy, who's Achilles' mother? 2017 2017 494 2017 00:33:25,045 --> 00:33:27,545 2017 I said, "I don't fucking know. 2017 Don't ask me that shit. 2017 2017 495 2017 00:33:28,924 --> 00:33:31,804 2017 I don't know who Achilles' mother." 2017 Don't yell out if you know. 2017 2017 496 2017 00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:34,345 2017 It's Campampetes. 2017 Nobody cares what you know. 2017 2017 497 2017 00:33:38,517 --> 00:33:40,977 2017 She had a question about Achilles, 2017 it was interesting. 2017 2017 498 2017 00:33:41,061 --> 00:33:44,111 2017 I'll tell it to you. But first, 2017 the story of Achilles real quick. 2017 2017 499 2017 00:33:44,189 --> 00:33:46,189 2017 Achilles was a baby. 2017 2017 500 2017 00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,654 2017 He was a Greek baby. 2017 2017 501 2017 00:33:48,735 --> 00:33:51,525 2017 And... he didn't stay that way. 2017 2017 502 2017 00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:54,373 2017 But when he was... a Greek baby, 2017 2017 503 2017 00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:58,789 2017 his mother, who was a goddess, 2017 took him to the River Styx, 2017 2017 504 2017 00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,710 2017 which is at Hades, the land of the dead. 2017 2017 505 2017 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:03,122 2017 And she dipped him in the water 2017 of the River Styx 2017 2017 506 2017 00:34:03,208 --> 00:34:06,378 2017 because there was a magical quality 2017 to that water 2017 2017 507 2017 00:34:06,461 --> 00:34:09,461 2017 that you would make you impervious 2017 of any harm. 2017 2017 508 2017 00:34:09,548 --> 00:34:10,628 2017 You couldn't be hurt. 2017 2017 509 2017 00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:12,089 2017 It was like a shield, right? 2017 2017 510 2017 00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,009 2017 So, she dipped him in that water 2017 to protect him. 2017 2017 511 2017 00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,264 2017 But she held him by the heel. 2017 2017 512 2017 00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:19,270 2017 That's the important detail. 2017 2017 513 2017 00:34:19,349 --> 00:34:23,349 2017 Held him by the heel, 2017 which is an awkward way to hold a baby. 2017 2017 514 2017 00:34:24,938 --> 00:34:26,148 2017 By the heel. 2017 2017 515 2017 00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:31,323 2017 Try holding a baby by the heel 2017 and dipping it in a river. 2017 2017 516 2017 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,200 2017 You will never see that baby again. 2017 2017 517 2017 00:34:36,575 --> 00:34:38,285 2017 That's how to get rid of a baby. 2017 2017 518 2017 00:34:42,581 --> 00:34:44,711 2017 "I lost the baby in the water. 519 00:34:46,543 --> 00:34:49,593 I was trying to wash him, and he fell in the river. 520 00:34:52,674 --> 00:34:55,514 I'm sorry, Miss Achilles, I lost your baby. 521 00:34:56,678 --> 00:34:58,808 You told me to hold him by the heel. 522 00:34:59,431 --> 00:35:00,521 He slipped." 2017 2017 523 2017 00:35:03,268 --> 00:35:06,098 2017 Because Achilles' mother 2017 has a Mexican nanny. 2017 2017 524 2017 00:35:06,563 --> 00:35:08,733 2017 It's a lesser-known character 2017 in The Iliad. 2017 2017 525 2017 00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:10,396 2017 Anyway... 2017 2017 526 2017 00:35:12,569 --> 00:35:16,619 2017 his mother, she was able to hold on, 2017 of course, because she was a goddess. 2017 2017 527 2017 00:35:16,865 --> 00:35:19,695 2017 She was the goddess of grip or whatever, 2017 I don't know. 2017 2017 528 2017 00:35:19,993 --> 00:35:21,623 2017 And she held on. 2017 2017 529 2017 00:35:22,162 --> 00:35:24,252 2017 And then he was protected, 2017 except on his heel. 2017 2017 530 2017 00:35:24,331 --> 00:35:25,711 2017 His heel was not protected. 2017 2017 531 2017 00:35:25,790 --> 00:35:28,290 2017 And so that's what we call 2017 your Achilles heel, 2017 2017 532 2017 00:35:28,376 --> 00:35:30,086 2017 your one vulnerable place. 2017 2017 533 2017 00:35:30,170 --> 00:35:32,010 2017 Everybody's got their Achilles heel. 2017 2017 534 2017 00:35:32,297 --> 00:35:36,377 2017 Achilles' Achilles heel was his heel. 2017 2017 535 2017 00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:39,349 2017 Like, literally. 2017 2017 536 2017 00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:47,350 2017 Anyway, so, my daughter, 2017 here was her question. 2017 2017 537 2017 00:35:47,437 --> 00:35:50,817 2017 She said, "How come his mother 2017 didn't just dip him again? 2017 2017 538 2017 00:35:52,275 --> 00:35:54,435 2017 She could have just dipped him 2017 one more time... 2017 2017 539 2017 00:35:55,403 --> 00:35:56,823 2017 with the other leg in there." 2017 2017 540 2017 00:35:58,114 --> 00:36:00,994 2017 What does she just, like, get... 2017 You're right there. 2017 2017 541 2017 00:36:02,744 --> 00:36:05,714 2017 Was there, like, a sign that says, 2017 One dip per goddess? 2017 2017 542 2017 00:36:06,790 --> 00:36:09,460 2017 You ever color an Easter egg? 2017 It's not that complicated. 2017 2017 543 2017 00:36:09,542 --> 00:36:12,922 2017 You dip it, and then you hold 2017 it differently and dip it again. 2017 2017 544 2017 00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:17,682 2017 Smart kid. I was proud of her. 2017 2017 545 2017 00:36:18,259 --> 00:36:21,349 2017 But at the same time, I thought, "Who 2017 the fuck are you to judge this woman?" 2017 2017 546 2017 00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:24,465 2017 It bothered me. 2017 2017 547 2017 00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:27,603 2017 'Cause here's what the story 2017 of Achilles teaches me, 2017 2017 548 2017 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,396 2017 is that, if you're a parent, 2017 2017 549 2017 00:36:29,479 --> 00:36:32,519 2017 it's never enough what you do 2017 for these motherfuckers. 2017 2017 550 2017 00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:35,608 2017 It's just never enough. 2017 2017 551 2017 00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:38,701 2017 It's still gonna be your fault. 2017 2017 552 2017 00:36:39,989 --> 00:36:42,659 2017 How much more do you want from a mother? 2017 2017 553 2017 00:36:42,951 --> 00:36:48,831 2017 She dipped her kid in magic water 2017 and protected 99% of his body. 2017 2017 554 2017 00:36:49,332 --> 00:36:51,632 2017 Is any of it up to him? 2017 2017 555 2017 00:36:52,877 --> 00:36:56,377 2017 He could have just wore a big shoe 2017 and be careful. 2017 2017 556 2017 00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:02,926 2017 But he goes out in sandals, 2017 fucking flip flops. 2017 2017 557 2017 00:37:05,014 --> 00:37:07,354 2017 And a sword, and fights the whole planet. 2017 2017 558 2017 00:37:07,434 --> 00:37:10,354 2017 I'm Achilles 'cause my mother dipped me. 2017 2017 559 2017 00:37:13,314 --> 00:37:16,364 2017 Finally, somebody got him in the heel, 2017 and he's like, "Mom! 2017 2017 560 2017 00:37:20,572 --> 00:37:22,782 2017 Thanks a lot, Mom." 2017 2017 561 2017 00:37:25,368 --> 00:37:28,118 2017 What's wrong, Achilles? 2017 "My mom didn't dip my heel. 562 00:37:28,788 --> 00:37:31,708 She's so stupid. She ruined it." 2017 2017 563 2017 00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:35,132 2017 Fuck you, Achilles, you Greek dick. 2017 2017 564 2017 00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:39,801 2017 I hate the way people talk 2017 about their mothers. 2017 2017 565 2017 00:37:41,342 --> 00:37:42,802 2017 I was watching a football game, 2017 2017 566 2017 00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:46,056 2017 and this guy scored a bunch of shit, 2017 whatever, and they were excited. 2017 2017 567 2017 00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,386 2017 So, they asked him about it afterwards. 2017 2017 568 2017 00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:51,685 2017 And the football player said, 2017 "My mom died last year, 569 00:37:51,853 --> 00:37:56,273 but I know she was watching my game from heaven tonight." 2017 2017 570 2017 00:37:56,649 --> 00:37:59,819 2017 And I wanted to be there to say, 2017 "Leave your mother alone. 571 00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:02,031 How dare you. 572 00:38:02,405 --> 00:38:03,735 She's dead." 2017 2017 573 2017 00:38:03,823 --> 00:38:07,293 2017 I mean, when are you done 2017 with your fucking kids? 2017 2017 574 2017 00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:12,714 2017 When are you finished 2017 with your fucking kids? 2017 2017 575 2017 00:38:13,333 --> 00:38:17,593 2017 Even after you're dead, you still have 2017 to go to their fucking games and shit? 2017 2017 576 2017 00:38:25,178 --> 00:38:27,308 2017 Leave your mother alone. 2017 2017 577 2017 00:38:27,847 --> 00:38:31,727 2017 She did her job. 2017 She raised you, and it killed her. 2017 2017 578 2017 00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,730 2017 Let her enjoy heaven. Don't you want 2017 your mother to enjoy heaven? 2017 2017 579 2017 00:38:38,817 --> 00:38:41,067 2017 Isn't that what you want? 2017 Your mom to be just in heaven. 2017 2017 580 2017 00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:44,162 2017 Whee! This poor woman. Angels were like, 2017 2017 581 2017 00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:46,489 2017 "We're having a party. You want to come with us?" 2017 2017 582 2017 00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:49,288 2017 "I can't. I got to watch my son's game. 583 00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:52,080 He'll be very upset. 584 00:38:53,873 --> 00:38:56,923 Okay, go... He can't fucking hear me. Why am I doing this?" 2017 2017 585 2017 00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:02,471 2017 I just think when people die, 2017 it means they did their jobs. 2017 2017 586 2017 00:39:02,549 --> 00:39:04,089 2017 And you should forget them. 2017 2017 587 2017 00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:05,215 2017 That's what I think. 2017 2017 588 2017 00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:08,643 2017 'Cause it's unfair what we put 2017 on dead people. 2017 2017 589 2017 00:39:08,721 --> 00:39:12,431 2017 Are you watching over me? 2017 Yes, I'm watching all of it. 2017 2017 590 2017 00:39:16,312 --> 00:39:18,612 2017 You know like an old... 2017 When you see an old couple, 2017 2017 591 2017 00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:20,570 2017 they've been married for, like, 60 years? 2017 2017 592 2017 00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,570 2017 You know that story? 2017 Everybody loves that. 2017 2017 593 2017 00:39:22,652 --> 00:39:26,032 2017 The people that always get applause based 2017 on the math of their lives. 2017 2017 594 2017 00:39:27,699 --> 00:39:29,989 2017 How long you been married? 2017 Sixty years. 2017 2017 595 2017 00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:31,156 2017 Aw. 2017 2017 596 2017 00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:33,292 2017 Aw. 2017 2017 597 2017 00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:39,039 2017 Isn't that automatically wonderful? 2017 2017 598 2017 00:39:40,503 --> 00:39:41,713 2017 How do you know? 2017 2017 599 2017 00:39:42,297 --> 00:39:43,837 2017 You just know how long it's been. 2017 2017 600 2017 00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:49,720 2017 For 60 years, every morning, 2017 he tells me I'm a piece of shit. 2017 2017 601 2017 00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:58,650 2017 Let's just say 2017 this is a happy couple, okay? 2017 2017 602 2017 00:40:00,231 --> 00:40:03,531 2017 They love each other. 2017 They've been married for 60 years. 2017 2017 603 2017 00:40:03,902 --> 00:40:06,072 2017 That's longer 2017 than most people wanna be alive. 2017 2017 604 2017 00:40:06,154 --> 00:40:08,414 2017 And they've been together that long. 2017 2017 605 2017 00:40:08,489 --> 00:40:11,449 2017 And now they're just an old couple. 2017 And they just walk together. 2017 2017 606 2017 00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:13,164 2017 You know when you see two people... 2017 2017 607 2017 00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:16,578 2017 They don't need anybody else, 2017 just the two of them. 2017 2017 608 2017 00:40:16,664 --> 00:40:18,464 2017 This is both of them. They just walk. 2017 2017 609 2017 00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:22,802 2017 They always walk somewhere, 2017 nobody walks there. There's trash. 2017 2017 610 2017 00:40:26,674 --> 00:40:27,724 2017 There's trucks. 2017 2017 611 2017 00:40:30,470 --> 00:40:33,100 2017 He's wearing a suit that is not a color. 2017 2017 612 2017 00:40:36,726 --> 00:40:40,186 2017 She's wearing a dress that's like 2017 a triangle, like a kid drew it. 2017 2017 613 2017 00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:43,361 2017 It's just, fucking, 2017 a dress with fruit on it. 2017 2017 614 2017 00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:44,531 2017 Nobody cares. 2017 2017 615 2017 00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,855 2017 And they just walk every day. 2017 2017 616 2017 00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:50,954 2017 It's cold. 2017 2017 617 2017 00:40:51,616 --> 00:40:52,866 2017 Yeah, it's cold. 2017 2017 618 2017 00:40:55,745 --> 00:40:58,115 2017 You want to go to the store 2017 and get a cracker? 2017 2017 619 2017 00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:01,125 2017 Yeah, let's get a cracker 2017 at the store. 2017 2017 620 2017 00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:04,166 2017 Yeah. 2017 2017 621 2017 00:41:14,347 --> 00:41:17,177 2017 And then one day, usually he dies first. 2017 2017 622 2017 00:41:18,393 --> 00:41:20,063 2017 They're walking, and he goes... 2017 2017 623 2017 00:41:23,648 --> 00:41:25,188 2017 And she says, "Richard!" 2017 2017 624 2017 00:41:28,945 --> 00:41:30,695 2017 Richard! 2017 2017 625 2017 00:41:35,451 --> 00:41:36,541 2017 And he dies. 2017 2017 626 2017 00:41:41,332 --> 00:41:42,462 2017 So, now it's just her. 2017 2017 627 2017 00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:44,594 2017 Just Rose. 2017 2017 628 2017 00:41:46,379 --> 00:41:47,509 2017 And she's alone. 2017 2017 629 2017 00:41:48,089 --> 00:41:49,919 2017 And now she just stands in their house. 2017 2017 630 2017 00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,006 2017 Somebody goes to get Rose 2017 'cause there's a wedding. 2017 2017 631 2017 00:41:56,389 --> 00:41:58,809 2017 "Come on, Rose. Nadine's getting married. 632 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:01,517 Nadine... It doesn't matter, just fucking come on. 633 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:07,030 Come on. Fucking come on. 634 00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:09,147 Fuck!" 2017 2017 635 2017 00:42:10,361 --> 00:42:11,861 2017 Just want to push her from beh... 2017 2017 636 2017 00:42:15,825 --> 00:42:17,615 2017 She lives ten more years. 2017 2017 637 2017 00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:19,619 2017 Ten years after Richard dies. 2017 2017 638 2017 00:42:20,038 --> 00:42:22,708 2017 And then ten years later, 2017 now she's laying in a bed. 2017 2017 639 2017 00:42:22,957 --> 00:42:23,917 2017 She's dying. 2017 2017 640 2017 00:42:24,292 --> 00:42:26,422 2017 Somebody's there with her, on their phone. 2017 2017 641 2017 00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:38,217 2017 So, Rose is dying, and she says: 2017 2017 642 2017 00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:44,806 2017 "Well, at least now I get to be with my Richard... forever." 2017 2017 643 2017 00:42:45,772 --> 00:42:47,612 2017 Where did she get that idea? 2017 2017 644 2017 00:42:48,191 --> 00:42:49,651 2017 Where did that come from? 2017 2017 645 2017 00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:51,361 2017 I've looked it up. 2017 2017 646 2017 00:42:51,778 --> 00:42:53,738 2017 No religion teaches 2017 2017 647 2017 00:42:54,072 --> 00:42:58,162 2017 that when you die, you get to ruin heaven 2017 for your dead spouse. 2017 2017 648 2017 00:42:59,994 --> 00:43:01,584 2017 Why is that fair? 2017 2017 649 2017 00:43:02,038 --> 00:43:03,408 2017 Who gets... 2017 2017 650 2017 00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:05,923 2017 Richard's been dead for ten years. 2017 2017 651 2017 00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:08,420 2017 He's been in heaven for ten years. 2017 2017 652 2017 00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:11,591 2017 And somebody comes up to him, 2017 Hey, your wife is coming. 2017 2017 653 2017 00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:20,427 2017 "What? 654 00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:25,096 Excuse me. What did you just walk up and say to me just now?" 2017 2017 655 2017 00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:30,108 2017 "Yeah, Rose just died. She'll be here in about 20 minutes. 656 00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:34,282 They've just got to hose her down and tape the wings on. 657 00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:37,281 And then you're gonna be together forever." 2017 2017 658 2017 00:43:41,828 --> 00:43:43,498 2017 "Wait a minute. Fuck. 659 00:43:45,123 --> 00:43:47,213 You said this was heaven. Why is this... 660 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,460 I have a girlfriend here now. I don't wanna fucking... " 2017 2017 661 2017 00:43:53,548 --> 00:43:56,878 2017 She's the love of your life. "She's not 2017 the love of my death, motherfucker." 2017 2017 662 2017 00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,435 2017 That's marriage. Marriage is a big deal. 2017 2017 663 2017 00:44:06,519 --> 00:44:07,559 2017 Marriage is a big deal. 2017 2017 664 2017 00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:10,605 2017 I went to a wedding the other day. 2017 I went to a gay wedding. 2017 2017 665 2017 00:44:10,690 --> 00:44:13,730 2017 I've been to a lot of gay weddings, 2017 which is not true. 2017 2017 666 2017 00:44:15,319 --> 00:44:18,659 2017 It's not true at all. 2017 But... I did go to one. 2017 2017 667 2017 00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,446 2017 But I don't go to weddings, generally, 2017 2017 668 2017 00:44:24,537 --> 00:44:26,157 2017 because I don't like them. I hate it. 2017 2017 669 2017 00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:30,587 2017 Don't invite me. Really. I think it's rude 2017 to invite people to your wedding. I do. 2017 2017 670 2017 00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:33,125 2017 Nobody's happy to get that shit. 2017 2017 671 2017 00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:34,964 2017 You make it all pretty. 2017 2017 672 2017 00:44:35,047 --> 00:44:39,007 2017 And they're like, "Aw, fuck! 2017 This is gonna suck!" 2017 2017 673 2017 00:44:41,470 --> 00:44:44,060 2017 "Here's a helpful list of places to stay... " 2017 2017 674 2017 00:44:44,140 --> 00:44:46,600 2017 "Oh, great. I get to live in a La Quinta... 675 00:44:48,311 --> 00:44:50,151 in Reading, Pennsylvania 676 00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,067 for three days... 677 00:44:54,150 --> 00:44:56,990 because you want to get married for a couple of years." 2017 2017 678 2017 00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:03,530 2017 Nobody wants to watch you 2017 start your shitty thing. 2017 2017 679 2017 00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:04,658 2017 Nobody wants to see it. 2017 2017 680 2017 00:45:06,662 --> 00:45:09,832 2017 Everybody's in a shitty thing. 2017 That's what it is to be with somebody. 2017 2017 681 2017 00:45:10,249 --> 00:45:13,089 2017 You're either alone, 2017 or you're in a shitty thing. 2017 2017 682 2017 00:45:13,544 --> 00:45:15,884 2017 That covers 100% of human beings. 2017 2017 683 2017 00:45:18,424 --> 00:45:22,094 2017 I can see there's young couples here. 2017 You're like, "No, we're in a good one... 2017 2017 684 2017 00:45:23,179 --> 00:45:24,259 2017 It's really good." 2017 2017 685 2017 00:45:24,347 --> 00:45:26,267 2017 "Yeah, fuck you. Who do you think you are? 686 00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,939 It just didn't get shitty yet. 687 00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:32,984 So arrogant." 2017 Yeah, I think we figured it out. 2017 2017 688 2017 00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:34,984 2017 No... Yeah, you're the first ones. 2017 2017 689 2017 00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,276 2017 Of course it's going to get shitty. 2017 That's part of it. 2017 2017 690 2017 00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:43,572 2017 It's like going to a horror movie, 2017 2017 691 2017 00:45:43,658 --> 00:45:46,578 2017 and in the first minute, you're like, 2017 I think they're all gonna be fine. 2017 2017 692 2017 00:45:47,912 --> 00:45:49,412 2017 No, they're all gonna die. 2017 2017 693 2017 00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:53,248 2017 And you're gonna hate the person 2017 you love right now. 2017 2017 694 2017 00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:57,134 2017 That's the way it works. 2017 Love plus time minus distance equals hate. 2017 2017 695 2017 00:45:57,213 --> 00:45:58,463 2017 That's just the way it goes. 2017 2017 696 2017 00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,680 2017 I'm not saying don't do it. 2017 You should do it. 2017 2017 697 2017 00:46:04,053 --> 00:46:06,893 2017 It's the best thing. 2017 It's the best part of life, love is. 2017 2017 698 2017 00:46:06,973 --> 00:46:09,933 2017 But don't be greedy and expect it to last. 2017 2017 699 2017 00:46:10,601 --> 00:46:15,611 2017 Don't be amazed that a butterfly died 2017 'cause you shot it in the face. 2017 2017 700 2017 00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:22,025 2017 Just fall in love, make a fucking mess. 2017 2017 701 2017 00:46:22,530 --> 00:46:24,990 2017 It goes shitty, 2017 you don't realize it until too late. 2017 2017 702 2017 00:46:25,074 --> 00:46:28,164 2017 And then you cry a lot and move on. 2017 It's the best part of life. 2017 2017 703 2017 00:46:28,786 --> 00:46:31,326 2017 It is. I've always loved love. 2017 2017 704 2017 00:46:31,414 --> 00:46:37,174 2017 It's always been my favorite part of life 2017 is meeting somebody and going, "Oh, shit! 2017 2017 705 2017 00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:39,705 2017 That person!" That's the best feeling. 2017 2017 706 2017 00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:43,217 2017 Now, why the fuck would that just, 2017 "Oh, yeah! 707 00:46:43,467 --> 00:46:48,137 For years, for our whole lives, just, aw, yeah!" 2017 2017 708 2017 00:46:48,556 --> 00:46:50,726 2017 That's insane to expect that. 2017 2017 709 2017 00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:54,812 2017 It's a little thing you get to catch. 2017 2017 710 2017 00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:57,979 2017 And then it rots and dies. 2017 That's just the way it goes. 2017 2017 711 2017 00:47:00,026 --> 00:47:04,196 2017 It's like if you see a person in the park 2017 making bubbles with a big wand with soap. 2017 2017 712 2017 00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:07,621 2017 And sometimes they make a really big one, 2017 and everybody goes, "Oh, yeah! 2017 2017 713 2017 00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:09,370 2017 Shit. Okay, that's all." 2017 2017 714 2017 00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:15,420 2017 You don't stand over it, "Liar!" 2017 You don't get mad at the soap stain. 2017 2017 715 2017 00:47:17,668 --> 00:47:19,128 2017 It gets so shitty, man. 2017 2017 716 2017 00:47:20,087 --> 00:47:21,087 2017 It does. 2017 2017 717 2017 00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:25,715 2017 Whoo! 2017 2017 718 2017 00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:30,807 2017 All the little intricate parts. 2017 Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently. 2017 2017 719 2017 00:47:31,891 --> 00:47:33,231 2017 You ever been in an e-mail fight? 2017 2017 720 2017 00:47:33,309 --> 00:47:34,939 2017 Some of you are in an e-mail fight 2017 right now. 2017 2017 721 2017 00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,359 2017 You know, an e-mail fight. 2017 Not a text fight. 2017 2017 722 2017 00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:41,980 2017 A text fight is like, "Fuck you." Boop! 2017 2017 723 2017 00:47:42,568 --> 00:47:44,448 2017 Yeah, fuck you. Byew. 2017 2017 724 2017 00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:46,739 2017 Dick. Boop! 2017 2017 725 2017 00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:49,865 2017 Asshole. Byew. 2017 2017 726 2017 00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:53,246 2017 That's a text fight. 2017 2017 727 2017 00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:59,710 2017 An e-mail fight is like, "In June 2017 when I told you that I had this issue, 2017 2017 728 2017 00:47:59,794 --> 00:48:04,474 2017 I was very disappointed 2017 in the way you didn't listen." 2017 2017 729 2017 00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,724 2017 You know, those e-mails, 2017 you just work on it all night. 2017 2017 730 2017 00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:12,806 2017 Like it's the closing argument 2017 to a murder case. 2017 2017 731 2017 00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:16,600 2017 It's so important, your fucking e-mail. 2017 2017 732 2017 00:48:18,479 --> 00:48:22,019 2017 You're pounding it out like Beethoven, 2017 and you're pouring water on your head, 2017 2017 733 2017 00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:25,278 2017 and going deaf and still working on it. 2017 2017 734 2017 00:48:26,654 --> 00:48:28,204 2017 And then you send it somebody. 2017 2017 735 2017 00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:31,990 2017 "Can you read this and tell me if it's fair what I wrote? 736 00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:35,247 Start at the bottom." 2017 2017 737 2017 00:48:37,373 --> 00:48:39,883 2017 And they write back, 2017 I made a few changes. 2017 2017 738 2017 00:48:39,959 --> 00:48:43,209 2017 "Oh, thank you. That really captures my voice. And yet..." 2017 2017 739 2017 00:48:44,630 --> 00:48:46,590 2017 You send it to somebody else, 2017 they're like: 2017 2017 740 2017 00:48:46,674 --> 00:48:51,724 2017 "I would take out 'Eat shit, fuck face, ' because it clouds your better points." 2017 2017 741 2017 00:48:53,139 --> 00:48:55,559 2017 And you're like, 2017 Fuck you, I'm going to keep it. 2017 2017 742 2017 00:48:58,144 --> 00:48:59,774 2017 And then finally, you send it. 2017 2017 743 2017 00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:03,146 2017 And you're like, "Hmm." 2017 2017 744 2017 00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:07,651 2017 And then you feel really good. 2017 I finally said it. Finally. 2017 2017 745 2017 00:49:08,362 --> 00:49:12,032 2017 And you have this fantasy that they're 2017 at home reading it right now going... 2017 2017 746 2017 00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:19,792 2017 I'm wrong about all of the things. 2017 2017 747 2017 00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:28,802 2017 During the day, 2017 they haven't written back yet, 2017 2017 748 2017 00:49:28,883 --> 00:49:31,183 2017 and you know 2017 it's 'cause you just bewitched them. 2017 2017 749 2017 00:49:32,636 --> 00:49:35,386 2017 And you decide, 2017 "I'm going to read my e-mail. 750 00:49:37,057 --> 00:49:39,557 I'm going to read the e-mail that I wrote." 2017 2017 751 2017 00:49:41,812 --> 00:49:44,942 2017 Is there any more disgusting 2017 modern human behavior 2017 2017 752 2017 00:49:45,566 --> 00:49:49,066 2017 than reading 2017 your own already sent e-mails? 2017 2017 753 2017 00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:55,033 2017 Is there any more scratching your asshole 2017 and smelling your finger than that? 2017 2017 754 2017 00:49:58,204 --> 00:49:59,664 2017 I do it all the time. 2017 2017 755 2017 00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:03,575 2017 So, that's what I did. 2017 I was in an e-mail fight. 2017 2017 756 2017 00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:05,133 2017 And... 2017 2017 757 2017 00:50:06,337 --> 00:50:09,087 2017 And I looked in the sent folder, 2017 where it's all... 2017 2017 758 2017 00:50:09,173 --> 00:50:11,763 2017 That's it. It's in stone. 2017 You can't change that anymore. 2017 2017 759 2017 00:50:12,301 --> 00:50:14,351 2017 I realized I left something there 2017 by mistake. 2017 2017 760 2017 00:50:14,428 --> 00:50:16,848 2017 I left something at the top of the e-mail 2017 by mistake. 2017 2017 761 2017 00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:20,731 2017 And it said, "This is my latest draft. 2017 What do you think?" 2017 2017 762 2017 00:50:28,192 --> 00:50:30,112 2017 So, now the rest of it is just shit. 2017 2017 763 2017 00:50:30,194 --> 00:50:31,744 2017 It's shit now! 2017 2017 764 2017 00:50:33,239 --> 00:50:36,239 2017 'Cause she knows 2017 I have a writing staff and a focus group. 2017 2017 765 2017 00:50:38,619 --> 00:50:41,289 2017 There should be credits 2017 at the end of this fucking e-mail. 2017 2017 766 2017 00:50:42,498 --> 00:50:45,458 2017 Approved by mother and sister. 2017 2017 767 2017 00:50:51,340 --> 00:50:53,760 2017 I don't know. 2017 Love is worth it, though. It really is. 2017 2017 768 2017 00:50:54,843 --> 00:50:56,053 2017 It's worth it. It is. 2017 2017 769 2017 00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,596 2017 I mean, I've always been... 2017 I've always pursued love my whole life. 2017 2017 770 2017 00:50:59,682 --> 00:51:02,482 2017 Even when I was a kid, I loved girls. 2017 I loved them. 2017 2017 771 2017 00:51:02,559 --> 00:51:03,439 2017 And there was all... 2017 2017 772 2017 00:51:03,519 --> 00:51:07,019 2017 When I was 12, I discovered 2017 that girls are the greatest thing. 2017 2017 773 2017 00:51:07,356 --> 00:51:10,816 2017 I would ask them out. That's what I did. 2017 I walked up and asked them out. 2017 2017 774 2017 00:51:10,943 --> 00:51:11,783 2017 I had no fear. 2017 2017 775 2017 00:51:12,361 --> 00:51:15,111 2017 I'd go up to any girl I liked, 2017 You want to go out with me? 2017 2017 776 2017 00:51:15,197 --> 00:51:16,487 2017 And she was like, "No!" 2017 2017 777 2017 00:51:17,825 --> 00:51:21,035 2017 You weren't supposed to do that. 2017 You weren't supposed to ask her out. 2017 2017 778 2017 00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:22,200 2017 There was a system. 2017 2017 779 2017 00:51:22,288 --> 00:51:24,788 2017 My daughters told me 2017 it still works this way in school. 2017 2017 780 2017 00:51:24,873 --> 00:51:28,213 2017 There's a thing 2017 where the boy asks his friend 2017 2017 781 2017 00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:33,009 2017 to ask her friend to ask her 2017 2017 782 2017 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:34,880 2017 what she would say... 2017 2017 783 2017 00:51:36,969 --> 00:51:38,389 2017 if he asked her out. 2017 2017 784 2017 00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:43,726 2017 How do children just know this... 2017 Elizabethan parlor thing? 2017 2017 785 2017 00:51:47,813 --> 00:51:48,903 2017 Twelve-year-old boy. 2017 2017 786 2017 00:51:48,981 --> 00:51:51,401 2017 "Please inquire after her maiden friend. 787 00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,948 Were I to request her presence... 788 00:51:58,157 --> 00:52:01,037 what might be her answer?" 2017 2017 789 2017 00:52:04,872 --> 00:52:09,712 2017 "Indeed, my lady would enjoy... your company, sir, 790 00:52:10,085 --> 00:52:13,085 were you to make your desires known." 2017 2017 791 2017 00:52:15,841 --> 00:52:16,761 2017 "That is well. 792 00:52:19,595 --> 00:52:21,215 May I finger her?" 2017 2017 793 2017 00:52:31,398 --> 00:52:32,978 2017 "You are bold, sir. 794 00:52:36,445 --> 00:52:38,355 And finger her, you may." 2017 2017 795 2017 00:52:44,787 --> 00:52:47,287 2017 And finger her, I shall. 2017 2017 796 2017 00:53:28,038 --> 00:53:30,368 2017 Anyway, 2017 I didn't do any of that myself. 2017 2017 797 2017 00:53:30,457 --> 00:53:32,707 2017 I just would just ask them out. 2017 2017 798 2017 00:53:36,046 --> 00:53:37,966 2017 They always said no. Girls said no to me. 2017 2017 799 2017 00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:39,844 2017 Until Rachel. 2017 2017 800 2017 00:53:40,509 --> 00:53:42,889 2017 Rachel was the first girl who said yes. 2017 2017 801 2017 00:53:43,053 --> 00:53:46,723 2017 I asked her to the dance 2017 in eighth grade, and she said yes. 2017 2017 802 2017 00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:51,102 2017 Happiest moment of my life, even to now. 2017 2017 803 2017 00:53:52,604 --> 00:53:53,734 2017 I never beat it. 2017 2017 804 2017 00:53:55,774 --> 00:53:58,444 2017 Anyway, Rachel said, 2017 Yes, I'll go to the dance with you. 2017 2017 805 2017 00:53:58,527 --> 00:53:59,697 2017 So, we went to the dance. 2017 2017 806 2017 00:53:59,778 --> 00:54:02,158 2017 I was 13. 2017 It was my first time with a girl. 2017 2017 807 2017 00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:05,618 2017 About five minutes into the dance, 2017 she comes to me and she says, 2017 2017 808 2017 00:54:05,701 --> 00:54:07,331 2017 Do you mind if I dance with Jeff? 2017 2017 809 2017 00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:11,077 2017 I was like, "Okay." 2017 2017 810 2017 00:54:12,207 --> 00:54:15,457 2017 'Cause what other moves did I have... 2017 at 13? 2017 2017 811 2017 00:54:15,544 --> 00:54:17,924 2017 What else are you gonna say? 2017 Do you mind if I dance with Jeff? 2017 2017 812 2017 00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:20,469 2017 "Yeah, I do. I mind very much. 813 00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:23,468 What the fuck do you think this is, Rachel? 814 00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,982 You know what? Get your shit. We're leaving right now. 815 00:54:30,058 --> 00:54:32,018 Shut the fuck up, Rachel. I swear to God." 2017 2017 816 2017 00:54:34,480 --> 00:54:36,020 2017 I didn't have any of those tools. 2017 2017 817 2017 00:54:38,775 --> 00:54:40,935 2017 So, I said, "Okay," 2017 and she danced with Jeff. 2017 2017 818 2017 00:54:41,570 --> 00:54:44,660 2017 And made out with Jeff and left with Jeff. 2017 2017 819 2017 00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,740 2017 That was it. 2017 2017 820 2017 00:54:47,075 --> 00:54:48,115 2017 And I learned... 2017 2017 821 2017 00:54:48,535 --> 00:54:50,245 2017 That guy Jeff... this is a true story. 2017 2017 822 2017 00:54:50,329 --> 00:54:52,749 2017 That guy Jeff, he's a woman now. 2017 2017 823 2017 00:54:53,665 --> 00:54:54,825 2017 That's what happened. 2017 2017 824 2017 00:54:54,917 --> 00:54:55,917 2017 It's true. 2017 2017 825 2017 00:54:57,377 --> 00:55:01,417 2017 I was looking up on Facebook people 2017 from my past, and he's a woman. 2017 2017 826 2017 00:55:01,507 --> 00:55:04,927 2017 And she has a whole blog on Facebook 2017 about becoming a woman. 2017 2017 827 2017 00:55:05,177 --> 00:55:08,467 2017 I was up all night reading it. 2017 I was crying. It was amazing. 2017 2017 828 2017 00:55:08,764 --> 00:55:10,774 2017 I was like, "This is incredible." 2017 2017 829 2017 00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,385 2017 And then at the end, 2017 there's a picture of her with hair. 2017 2017 830 2017 00:55:14,478 --> 00:55:18,648 2017 And she says, "I didn't change. 2017 I knew what I was all along. 2017 2017 831 2017 00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:21,692 2017 I knew I was a girl 2017 since I was 6 years old." 2017 2017 832 2017 00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:26,029 2017 And I read that, and I thought, 2017 "Why did you take my fucking date then? 833 00:55:27,616 --> 00:55:31,196 You knew? You piece of shit! Fuck you, Jeff! 834 00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:36,253 Fuck you and your journey. I don't give a shit now. 835 00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:43,843 Hooray for transgender, but fuck you, because you're just an asshole. 836 00:55:44,508 --> 00:55:47,258 Who became a cunt. That's what happened." 2017 2017 837 2017 00:55:54,768 --> 00:55:56,898 2017 I envy transgender people, though. I do. 2017 2017 838 2017 00:55:56,979 --> 00:55:59,309 2017 It's a tough road, 2017 but I envy them on this level 2017 2017 839 2017 00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:03,858 2017 that they figured out what's going on 2017 with them, and they fixed it. 2017 2017 840 2017 00:56:03,944 --> 00:56:08,574 2017 What an amazing gift, 2017 to know what the fuck is wrong with you. 2017 2017 841 2017 00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:10,986 2017 Who else gets to have that? 2017 2017 842 2017 00:56:11,076 --> 00:56:14,406 2017 It's just a mushy, 2017 I don't fucking have any idea! 2017 2017 843 2017 00:56:15,414 --> 00:56:17,714 2017 I would give a million dollars 2017 to just wake up, 2017 2017 844 2017 00:56:17,791 --> 00:56:20,421 2017 "Oh, I'm an owl. That's what the thing is. 845 00:56:24,131 --> 00:56:27,181 I've just got to blink slow and eat a mouse." 2017 2017 846 2017 00:56:36,393 --> 00:56:37,773 2017 'Cause life is very confusing. 2017 2017 847 2017 00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:41,483 2017 Even I'm 49 years old, and I haven't found 2017 a cruising altitude to my identity. 2017 2017 848 2017 00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,899 2017 I'm still fucking confused. 2017 2017 849 2017 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:49,407 2017 I get new feelings, and they upset me. 2017 I don't like new feelings. 2017 2017 850 2017 00:56:49,489 --> 00:56:52,659 2017 I want to know what I like and get it 2017 and just die. 2017 2017 851 2017 00:56:52,743 --> 00:56:54,583 2017 That's what I want to do at this point. 2017 2017 852 2017 00:56:54,995 --> 00:56:58,825 2017 Like I have a weird relationship 2017 with this movie that's on cable sometimes. 2017 2017 853 2017 00:56:58,915 --> 00:57:01,915 2017 It's called Magic Mike. 2017 You ever seen this movie? Magic Mike. 2017 2017 854 2017 00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:06,881 2017 For those of you who are watching this 2017 on video many years from now, 2017 2017 855 2017 00:57:07,716 --> 00:57:09,966 2017 Magic Mike was a movie 2017 about male strippers 2017 2017 856 2017 00:57:10,594 --> 00:57:12,764 2017 starring Matthew McConaughey 2017 and Channing Tatum. 2017 2017 857 2017 00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:14,135 2017 Whoo! 2017 2017 858 2017 00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:17,812 2017 It was a very different country 2017 when it was made 2017 2017 859 2017 00:57:17,893 --> 00:57:19,313 2017 from whenever you're watching. 2017 2017 860 2017 00:57:19,853 --> 00:57:20,693 2017 But anyway... 2017 2017 861 2017 00:57:22,397 --> 00:57:24,107 2017 We had a whole other thing going on. 2017 2017 862 2017 00:57:25,275 --> 00:57:26,815 2017 This building's not here anymore. 2017 2017 863 2017 00:57:31,156 --> 00:57:31,986 2017 But... 2017 2017 864 2017 00:57:33,075 --> 00:57:36,615 2017 You're watching it on a dusty thing, 2017 and it's all rubble. 2017 2017 865 2017 00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:38,370 2017 And you're watching this. 2017 2017 866 2017 00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:41,035 2017 I don't know why you're watching this 2017 out of everything. 2017 2017 867 2017 00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:48,262 2017 But when things were real easy, 2017 we made movies like Magic Mike. 2017 2017 868 2017 00:57:48,340 --> 00:57:51,640 2017 It's just a nice movie 2017 about men who strip. 2017 2017 869 2017 00:57:53,345 --> 00:57:56,515 2017 And every time I'm flipping around 2017 and it comes on, I always stop. 2017 2017 870 2017 00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:01,137 2017 And then I play a little game of chicken 2017 with this movie. 2017 2017 871 2017 00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:06,526 2017 I stop because it's a good movie. 2017 It's well made, 2017 2017 872 2017 00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:08,937 2017 directed by Steven Soderbergh, 2017 good director. 2017 2017 873 2017 00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:12,656 2017 And so I get into it, I get into 2017 the story, and then they start stripping. 2017 2017 874 2017 00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:15,450 2017 And then I start having 2017 all these feelings. 2017 2017 875 2017 00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:18,370 2017 My face gets a little hot. 2017 2017 876 2017 00:58:19,246 --> 00:58:21,076 2017 At first, I just get hostile 2017 for no reason. 2017 2017 877 2017 00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:24,294 2017 I just... fucking... fucking... 2017 2017 878 2017 00:58:30,382 --> 00:58:32,722 2017 But then there's one part of the movie 2017 that I like. 2017 2017 879 2017 00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:39,386 2017 I have a favorite part... of Magic Mike, 2017 so, I always stick around for that part. 2017 2017 880 2017 00:58:39,474 --> 00:58:44,024 2017 It's the part where Matthew McConaughey, 2017 he's wearing leather pants, no shirt. 2017 2017 881 2017 00:58:44,104 --> 00:58:45,024 2017 And he goes, 2017 2017 882 2017 00:58:45,105 --> 00:58:47,225 2017 "The law says you cannot touch. 883 00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:50,693 But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there." 2017 2017 884 2017 00:58:51,862 --> 00:58:53,452 2017 Like, just that... 2017 2017 885 2017 00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:56,911 2017 It's, like, perfect. 2017 2017 886 2017 00:58:58,160 --> 00:58:59,540 2017 Just the way it rolls out of him. 2017 2017 887 2017 00:58:59,619 --> 00:59:02,209 2017 "I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there." 2017 2017 888 2017 00:59:04,458 --> 00:59:06,128 2017 I just really like that. 2017 2017 889 2017 00:59:07,085 --> 00:59:08,085 2017 I like it. 2017 2017 890 2017 00:59:09,463 --> 00:59:12,973 2017 When the movie comes on, I'm always like, 2017 Let's get to where he says that. 2017 2017 891 2017 00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:16,683 2017 And then he says it, and I'm like, 2017 Fucking good, that's really good. 2017 2017 892 2017 00:59:18,346 --> 00:59:19,966 2017 I like it a lot. 2017 2017 893 2017 00:59:20,557 --> 00:59:22,847 2017 Here's how much I like it. 2017 I don't do impressions, 2017 2017 894 2017 00:59:22,934 --> 00:59:26,444 2017 and I kind of nail that one 2017 because I think about it all the time. 2017 2017 895 2017 00:59:32,235 --> 00:59:34,105 2017 I'm walking around my house, like, 2017 2017 896 2017 00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:36,316 2017 "The law says you can't touch. 897 00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:41,655 The law says you can't touch." 2017 2017 898 2017 00:59:43,163 --> 00:59:44,663 2017 Then I go up to my dog, 2017 2017 899 2017 00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,458 2017 "But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers right here." 2017 2017 900 2017 00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:53,670 2017 I like that part. 2017 2017 901 2017 00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:56,800 2017 After he says it, 2017 all these strippers come in. 2017 2017 902 2017 00:59:56,885 --> 00:59:58,885 2017 Matthew McConaughey 2017 and all these strippers. 2017 2017 903 2017 00:59:58,970 --> 01:00:00,760 2017 Channing Tatum comes out, fucking... 2017 2017 904 2017 01:00:07,979 --> 01:00:10,399 2017 And then I go, like, "Fuck!" 2017 And then I have to stop. 2017 2017 905 2017 01:00:11,483 --> 01:00:12,943 2017 I'm starting to get a feeling. 2017 2017 906 2017 01:00:15,070 --> 01:00:18,320 2017 I'm starting to get, like, a feeling. 2017 It's not a boner. 2017 2017 907 2017 01:00:19,324 --> 01:00:20,414 2017 It's not a boner. 2017 2017 908 2017 01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:25,209 2017 But I can feel my dick starting 2017 to turn over a little bit. 2017 2017 909 2017 01:00:25,330 --> 01:00:26,250 2017 Just starting to... 2017 2017 910 2017 01:00:29,417 --> 01:00:32,337 2017 You know when you can feel 2017 your dick kind of unfold? 2017 2017 911 2017 01:00:38,718 --> 01:00:41,888 2017 It's like a pool toy 2017 that's been blowing up for a while. 2017 2017 912 2017 01:00:41,972 --> 01:00:45,892 2017 The wrinkles are starting 2017 to come out. It's taking shape. 2017 2017 913 2017 01:00:53,692 --> 01:00:54,822 2017 Just that early... 2017 2017 914 2017 01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:58,409 2017 My dick's just waking up. 2017 2017 915 2017 01:01:00,907 --> 01:01:02,237 2017 What are you guys doing here? 2017 2017 916 2017 01:01:07,539 --> 01:01:09,169 2017 I've never watched the whole movie. 2017 2017 917 2017 01:01:09,249 --> 01:01:11,709 2017 I've never seen Magic Mike 2017 in its entirety. 2017 2017 918 2017 01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:15,800 2017 Because I don't wanna see it. 2017 I don't wanna see the end of Magic Mike. 2017 2017 919 2017 01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:17,631 2017 I know what the end of Magic Mike is. 2017 2017 920 2017 01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:22,296 2017 I'm pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike 2017 is that I'm gay. 2017 2017 921 2017 01:01:30,187 --> 01:01:31,807 2017 I'm pretty sure that's how it ends. 2017 2017 922 2017 01:01:33,690 --> 01:01:37,360 2017 I don't want to see the ending. 2017 I want to stay like this. 2017 2017 923 2017 01:01:38,153 --> 01:01:40,743 2017 You know why? 'Cause I'm 49 years old. 2017 2017 924 2017 01:01:41,281 --> 01:01:44,201 2017 I don't want to enter 2017 the gay community now. 2017 2017 925 2017 01:01:45,118 --> 01:01:48,498 2017 This is not the version of me 2017 that's gonna have an awesome time 2017 2017 926 2017 01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:50,999 2017 as the new gay guy. 2017 2017 927 2017 01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:54,543 2017 So, fuck that. 2017 2017 928 2017 01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:58,130 2017 And that's my right, by the way. 2017 Because that's about me. 2017 2017 929 2017 01:01:58,798 --> 01:01:59,838 2017 That is my life. 2017 2017 930 2017 01:01:59,925 --> 01:02:02,715 2017 I'd never discriminate 2017 against another person for being gay. 2017 2017 931 2017 01:02:02,802 --> 01:02:07,062 2017 I wouldn't dream of it. 2017 But I have every right to oppress 2017 2017 932 2017 01:02:07,307 --> 01:02:12,597 2017 and discriminate against 2017 my own possible budding homosexuality. 2017 2017 933 2017 01:02:12,687 --> 01:02:17,477 2017 That's mine to just violently push down. 2017 2017 934 2017 01:02:21,363 --> 01:02:24,243 2017 Like it's a dude 2017 I'm trying to make blow me right now. 2017 2017 935 2017 01:02:32,958 --> 01:02:36,668 2017 And you know, I haven't become, like, 2017 generally attracted to men. 2017 2017 936 2017 01:02:36,753 --> 01:02:38,343 2017 I'm not sexually attracted to men. 2017 2017 937 2017 01:02:38,421 --> 01:02:43,181 2017 Just Matthew McConaughey 2017 and Channing Tatum. 2017 2017 938 2017 01:02:43,927 --> 01:02:45,927 2017 Those two guys? Fuck. 2017 2017 939 2017 01:02:46,221 --> 01:02:49,181 2017 Fuck, seriously. 2017 2017 940 2017 01:02:49,849 --> 01:02:52,349 2017 Matthew, with his, like, leathery skin. 2017 2017 941 2017 01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:53,725 2017 He's like, "Hey..." 2017 2017 942 2017 01:02:54,145 --> 01:02:54,975 2017 Just... 2017 2017 943 2017 01:02:57,774 --> 01:02:59,034 2017 Fucking sexy. 2017 2017 944 2017 01:03:00,402 --> 01:03:02,702 2017 And Channing, kind of dumb face, like... 2017 2017 945 2017 01:03:03,405 --> 01:03:05,235 2017 Like, oh, shit! 2017 2017 946 2017 01:03:07,325 --> 01:03:09,405 2017 Fuck. I like it. 2017 2017 947 2017 01:03:13,164 --> 01:03:16,544 2017 But men, in general, I'm not into it. 2017 You know what I think it is? 2017 2017 948 2017 01:03:16,626 --> 01:03:18,496 2017 I'm only gay for the best. 2017 2017 949 2017 01:03:22,090 --> 01:03:23,590 2017 I'm top-shelf gay. 2017 2017 950 2017 01:03:24,759 --> 01:03:28,679 2017 I'm not retail gay, you know what I mean? 2017 I'm not off-the-rack gay. 2017 2017 951 2017 01:03:29,431 --> 01:03:32,311 2017 I'm not gonna go to JC Penney's 2017 and suck a bunch of dicks. 2017 2017 952 2017 01:03:33,727 --> 01:03:37,517 2017 I'm going to go to Neiman Marcus 2017 and get the signature collection. 2017 2017 953 2017 01:03:38,857 --> 01:03:40,317 2017 Platinum dick. 2017 2017 954 2017 01:03:41,651 --> 01:03:42,861 2017 The best. 2017 2017 955 2017 01:03:43,278 --> 01:03:44,698 2017 The best dick. 2017 2017 956 2017 01:03:46,614 --> 01:03:48,374 2017 'Cause I'll try the best anything. 2017 2017 957 2017 01:03:49,576 --> 01:03:51,536 2017 If it's the best one, I'll try it. 2017 2017 958 2017 01:03:52,579 --> 01:03:53,789 2017 Like, I don't like cognac. 2017 2017 959 2017 01:03:53,872 --> 01:03:57,132 2017 I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy 2017 and keep it in my house. 2017 2017 960 2017 01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:59,458 2017 But I've never tried the best cognac. 2017 2017 961 2017 01:03:59,836 --> 01:04:03,046 2017 If somebody was like, 2017 "Would you like to try this cognac? It's... 962 01:04:03,506 --> 01:04:08,426 This cognac was 500 years old 300 years ago." 2017 2017 963 2017 01:04:10,221 --> 01:04:12,061 2017 Like, "Yeah. Fucking give me that." 2017 2017 964 2017 01:04:13,725 --> 01:04:16,135 2017 If somebody asked me 2017 to go to a Kenyan restaurant, 2017 2017 965 2017 01:04:16,227 --> 01:04:19,107 2017 I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant. 2017 I know all the foods that I like. 2017 2017 966 2017 01:04:20,106 --> 01:04:22,776 2017 If somebody was like, 2017 "This is the best Kenyan restaurant. 967 01:04:22,859 --> 01:04:25,109 It takes six months to get a reservation. 968 01:04:25,195 --> 01:04:26,315 I can get you in. 969 01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:29,284 They fly live turtles in. 970 01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:34,156 And you eat it, you bite off its screaming face while it's alive. 971 01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:40,383 And every turtle you eat is the last of his species." 2017 2017 972 2017 01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:45,835 2017 I can't wait to eat that fucking turtle. 2017 2017 973 2017 01:04:46,841 --> 01:04:49,141 2017 I'm going to end his people with my mouth. 2017 2017 974 2017 01:04:52,180 --> 01:04:53,390 2017 The best, I'll try it. 2017 2017 975 2017 01:04:53,473 --> 01:04:56,483 2017 If somebody was like, 2017 "We have a guy here, he has the best dick. 976 01:04:57,185 --> 01:04:59,475 The best dick ever. 977 01:05:00,313 --> 01:05:03,693 His dick has been soaking in olive oil since he was five years old. 978 01:05:08,363 --> 01:05:11,783 We've been feeding him nothing but butter and penises his whole life. 979 01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:18,503 He has the best dick, and you can suck it right now." 2017 2017 980 2017 01:05:28,466 --> 01:05:29,466 2017 "Well, let me see it. 981 01:05:31,511 --> 01:05:32,391 Can I see it? 982 01:05:33,638 --> 01:05:34,808 Can you take it out? 983 01:05:37,142 --> 01:05:39,562 Oh, shit. That's beautiful. Oh, my God. 984 01:05:39,936 --> 01:05:42,976 That's my favorite thing now. Fuck, I shouldn't have looked at it. 985 01:05:45,275 --> 01:05:48,895 Bring it closer. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but bring it closer, please." 2017 2017 986 2017 01:06:16,222 --> 01:06:18,812 2017 I think, at that point, 2017 you put it in your mouth, right? 2017 2017 987 2017 01:06:18,892 --> 01:06:20,892 2017 If you're looking at the best dick ever, 2017 2017 988 2017 01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:24,607 2017 and you're not sure... you wanna suck it, 2017 just put it in your mouth. 2017 2017 989 2017 01:06:25,356 --> 01:06:27,436 2017 And then decide. 2017 Just for like 20 seconds. 2017 2017 990 2017 01:06:27,525 --> 01:06:28,605 2017 Whoo! 2017 2017 991 2017 01:06:29,402 --> 01:06:32,532 2017 That's a long time. 2017 That's 20 seconds. 2017 2017 992 2017 01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:35,737 2017 That's a long time 2017 to have a dick in your mouth... 2017 2017 993 2017 01:06:36,326 --> 01:06:38,156 2017 that you're ambivalent about. 2017 2017 994 2017 01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:41,076 2017 It's 20 sec... 2017 2017 995 2017 01:06:41,164 --> 01:06:44,674 2017 If you have a dick in your mouth 2017 for 20 seconds, you are not deciding. 2017 2017 996 2017 01:06:47,128 --> 01:06:48,088 2017 Twenty seconds. 2017 2017 997 2017 01:06:48,171 --> 01:06:51,381 2017 This is... I'll show you. This is 2017 20 seconds with a dick in your mouth. 2017 2017 998 2017 01:07:12,529 --> 01:07:13,529 2017 No. 2017 2017 999 2017 01:07:15,990 --> 01:07:16,820 2017 No. 2017 2017 1000 2017 01:07:17,367 --> 01:07:20,497 2017 Yeah, I decided not to suck that dick... 2017 2017 1001 2017 01:07:21,496 --> 01:07:23,536 2017 that's been in my mouth all day. 2017 2017 1002 2017 01:07:28,002 --> 01:07:29,962 2017 I don't like dicks. 2017 That's why I'm not gay. 2017 2017 1003 2017 01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:34,877 2017 That really is the reason. I hate dicks. 2017 Penises are very disgusting to me. 2017 2017 1004 2017 01:07:34,968 --> 01:07:37,968 2017 To me. I don't want to yuck your yum. 2017 I just think they're gross. 2017 2017 1005 2017 01:07:39,264 --> 01:07:40,434 2017 I always hated penises. 2017 2017 1006 2017 01:07:40,515 --> 01:07:42,265 2017 I hated my father's penis. I did. 2017 2017 1007 2017 01:07:43,017 --> 01:07:44,557 2017 I did. I hated my father's penis. 2017 2017 1008 2017 01:07:44,644 --> 01:07:47,364 2017 When you're a little boy, 2017 you're gonna see your dad's dick. 2017 2017 1009 2017 01:07:48,356 --> 01:07:50,856 2017 If you go to a restaurant, 2017 you're probably gonna see your dad's dick. 2017 2017 1010 2017 01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:55,106 2017 I should explain that, right? 2017 2017 1011 2017 01:07:55,196 --> 01:07:58,276 2017 That sounds like I have a weird father. 2017 2017 1012 2017 01:08:00,451 --> 01:08:02,541 2017 "All right, we're going out to eat. Everybody take a look." 2017 2017 1013 2017 01:08:08,876 --> 01:08:12,756 2017 No, sometimes if you go 2017 to a restaurant with your family, 2017 2017 1014 2017 01:08:12,839 --> 01:08:16,179 2017 when it's time to pee, you go pee 2017 with your dad if you're a little boy. 2017 2017 1015 2017 01:08:16,259 --> 01:08:18,549 2017 If you go to a ballgame with your dad, 2017 there was... 2017 2017 1016 2017 01:08:18,636 --> 01:08:20,926 2017 There were never urinals. 2017 It was just a trough. 2017 2017 1017 2017 01:08:21,723 --> 01:08:24,313 2017 And the little boys and the men 2017 stand there together. 2017 2017 1018 2017 01:08:24,434 --> 01:08:26,604 2017 And the men are just standing there... 2017 2017 1019 2017 01:08:26,853 --> 01:08:28,983 2017 And we're down here, the little boys. 2017 2017 1020 2017 01:08:29,981 --> 01:08:31,731 2017 And the dicks are eye-level. 2017 2017 1021 2017 01:08:31,816 --> 01:08:35,106 2017 Just horrible, pissing dicks. 2017 2017 1022 2017 01:08:35,903 --> 01:08:39,783 2017 In both directions, 2017 like a chorus line, just... 2017 2017 1023 2017 01:08:45,246 --> 01:08:47,416 2017 And my dad had the worst dick. 2017 2017 1024 2017 01:08:48,041 --> 01:08:49,631 2017 He had the worst. 2017 2017 1025 2017 01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:53,417 2017 'Cause my dad... 2017 First of all, my father's Mexican. 2017 2017 1026 2017 01:08:53,504 --> 01:08:56,344 2017 It's true. My father is Mexican. I'm not. 2017 2017 1027 2017 01:08:56,758 --> 01:09:00,348 2017 I'm not Mexican. My father is. 2017 2017 1028 2017 01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:06,890 2017 Just 'cause some Mexican fucked my mom 2017 for years... doesn't make me a Mexican. 2017 2017 1029 2017 01:09:07,935 --> 01:09:09,555 2017 It just makes her a whore. 2017 2017 1030 2017 01:09:12,231 --> 01:09:14,981 2017 But, anyway... my dad... 2017 2017 1031 2017 01:09:15,735 --> 01:09:18,815 2017 My father had a Mexican, Catholic, 2017 2017 1032 2017 01:09:19,072 --> 01:09:23,912 2017 uncut, raw, organic... 2017 2017 1033 2017 01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:29,921 2017 local, fucking free-range Mexican dick. 2017 2017 1034 2017 01:09:30,124 --> 01:09:31,544 2017 It was just so basic. 2017 2017 1035 2017 01:09:31,626 --> 01:09:37,046 2017 It was like a farmer's market yam, 2017 just sticking out like a tamarindo pod. 2017 2017 1036 2017 01:09:37,715 --> 01:09:39,755 2017 And the pee would spray out of it. 2017 2017 1037 2017 01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:42,722 2017 I'm like, "Dad, open your dick 2017 before you pee out of it." 2017 2017 1038 2017 01:09:45,556 --> 01:09:48,266 2017 It's like you're pissing out 2017 of the corner of a pillowcase. 2017 2017 1039 2017 01:10:00,405 --> 01:10:02,815 2017 And my dad's life is... 2017 My dad's had a weird life. 2017 2017 1040 2017 01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:05,030 2017 Too. 2017 2017 1041 2017 01:10:08,496 --> 01:10:12,166 2017 When I was ten years old, my parents got 2017 divorced, and my dad turned into a Jew. 2017 2017 1042 2017 01:10:12,834 --> 01:10:15,254 2017 I mean, he converted... 2017 2017 1043 2017 01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:19,803 2017 to Judaism. He didn't turn into a Jew. 2017 2017 1044 2017 01:10:21,217 --> 01:10:22,587 2017 It's not like my dad was like... 2017 2017 1045 2017 01:10:29,434 --> 01:10:30,274 2017 He... 2017 2017 1046 2017 01:10:32,228 --> 01:10:35,018 2017 converted... to Judaism. 2017 2017 1047 2017 01:10:36,524 --> 01:10:39,034 2017 And I had friends who were Jewish. 2017 2017 1048 2017 01:10:39,110 --> 01:10:43,030 2017 And I knew that they had little 2017 clipped dicks, little... little neat... 2017 2017 1049 2017 01:10:44,198 --> 01:10:47,078 2017 And then I remembered 2017 my father's alligator claw of a penis. 2017 2017 1050 2017 01:10:50,663 --> 01:10:51,663 2017 I really hate penises. 2017 2017 1051 2017 01:10:51,748 --> 01:10:55,498 2017 That's really my problem with being gay. 2017 That's why I'm not gay. Men are fine. 2017 2017 1052 2017 01:10:55,585 --> 01:10:58,045 2017 I'd like to have a boyfriend, 2017 that would be nice. 2017 2017 1053 2017 01:10:58,796 --> 01:11:01,796 2017 I would. Every time I hear somebody say 2017 my boyfriend, 2017 2017 1054 2017 01:11:01,883 --> 01:11:03,683 2017 I'm always like, "I want a boyfriend." 2017 2017 1055 2017 01:11:05,261 --> 01:11:07,101 2017 Why can't I have a boyfriend? 2017 2017 1056 2017 01:11:08,014 --> 01:11:09,854 2017 I'd like to have a big, tall boyfriend. 2017 2017 1057 2017 01:11:15,396 --> 01:11:16,516 2017 That's my boyfriend. 2017 2017 1058 2017 01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,363 2017 I'm mad at my boyfriend. 2017 2017 1059 2017 01:11:23,488 --> 01:11:25,778 2017 I get to wear his jacket. 2017 It's all big on me. 2017 2017 1060 2017 01:11:25,865 --> 01:11:28,405 2017 I'm like, "This is my boyfriend's jacket. 2017 2017 1061 2017 01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,542 2017 I feel safe." 2017 2017 1062 2017 01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:36,538 2017 I know I would like it. 2017 2017 1063 2017 01:11:36,626 --> 01:11:39,126 2017 I would like to have a big dude 2017 in my life. 2017 2017 1064 2017 01:11:40,463 --> 01:11:42,673 2017 Comes up behind me like this. 2017 I'm like, "Hi." 2017 2017 1065 2017 01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:46,929 2017 Like, I know that would be nice. 2017 2017 1066 2017 01:11:48,304 --> 01:11:49,974 2017 But in order to get all those parts, 2017 2017 1067 2017 01:11:50,056 --> 01:11:53,016 2017 you have to have a fucking cock 2017 shoved up your asshole. 2017 2017 1068 2017 01:11:53,100 --> 01:11:56,150 2017 Like a hard dick ramming in your... 2017 2017 1069 2017 01:11:56,229 --> 01:11:57,439 2017 Ow! 2017 2017 1070 2017 01:11:57,647 --> 01:11:59,357 2017 "Oh, fuck. 1071 01:11:59,857 --> 01:12:00,857 Oh. 1072 01:12:01,317 --> 01:12:03,277 I just wanted to wear your jacket." 2017 2017 1073 2017 01:12:07,406 --> 01:12:09,236 2017 Thanks a lot, you guys. You were great. 2017 2017 1074 2017 01:12:09,325 --> 01:12:10,985 2017 Thank you very, very much. 2017 2017 1075 2017 01:13:40,541 --> 01:13:46,881 2017 d In the days of my youth 2017 I was told what it means to be a man d 2017 2017 1076 2017 01:13:51,260 --> 01:13:52,930 2017 d Now I've reached that age d 2017 2017 1077 2017 01:13:53,012 --> 01:13:57,392 2017 d I've tried to do all those things 2017 The best I can d 2017 2017 1078 2017 01:14:01,604 --> 01:14:07,784 2017 d No matter how I try 2017 I find my way to the same old jam d 2017 2017 1079 2017 01:14:12,156 --> 01:14:16,696 2017 d Good times, bad times 2017 You know I've had my share d 2017 2017 1080 2017 01:14:16,786 --> 01:14:19,246 2017 d When my woman left home 2017 For a brown-eyed man d 2017 2017 1081 2017 01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:21,080 2017 d Well, I still don't seem to... d live at the comedy store 1 live at the comedy store 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,739 live at the comedy store One of my hobbies live at the comedy store is I collect dust. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 2 live at the comedy store 00:00:33,785 --> 00:00:35,537 live at the comedy store Are you from this country? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 3 live at the comedy store 00:00:37,372 --> 00:00:40,542 live at the comedy store I go around town live at the comedy store slashing tire prices. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 4 live at the comedy store 00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:45,547 live at the comedy store Do you get that? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 5 live at the comedy store 00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:50,510 live at the comedy store Do you know that Christmas song live at the comedy store Do You Hear What I Hear? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 6 live at the comedy store 00:00:50,552 --> 00:00:52,053 live at the comedy store Do you? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 7 live at the comedy store 00:00:59,143 --> 00:01:00,520 live at the comedy store You stopped laughing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 8 live at the comedy store 00:01:00,562 --> 00:01:02,063 live at the comedy store You stopped laughing, sir. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 9 live at the comedy store 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:04,899 live at the comedy store You got the idea, live at the comedy store there are no jokes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 10 live at the comedy store 00:01:07,652 --> 00:01:10,238 live at the comedy store There's a kind of hush live at the comedy store all over this room. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 11 live at the comedy store 00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:13,908 live at the comedy store I'm addicted to live at the comedy store prescription glasses. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 12 live at the comedy store 00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,750 live at the comedy store And "20/20" wants to do live at the comedy store my life story. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 13 live at the comedy store 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:26,254 live at the comedy store It gets wor- live at the comedy store A four-year-old wrote this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 14 live at the comedy store 00:01:34,846 --> 00:01:36,556 live at the comedy store Thank you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 15 live at the comedy store 00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,516 live at the comedy store No, I'm not leaving yet, live at the comedy store hold on. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 16 live at the comedy store 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,686 live at the comedy store This is my stepladder. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 17 live at the comedy store 00:01:41,728 --> 00:01:43,813 live at the comedy store I never knew my real ladder. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 18 live at the comedy store 00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:53,448 live at the comedy store I heard great things live at the comedy store about my real ladder, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 19 live at the comedy store 00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:55,950 live at the comedy store that he supported three people live at the comedy store at one time. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 20 live at the comedy store 00:01:58,202 --> 00:01:59,579 live at the comedy store Last I heard, he's one- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 21 live at the comedy store 00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:01,289 live at the comedy store I fucked that up, too. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 22 live at the comedy store 00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,792 live at the comedy store The last I heard, he was in live at the comedy store a 12-step program. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 23 live at the comedy store 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,546 live at the comedy store It really didn't matter. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 24 live at the comedy store 00:02:08,588 --> 00:02:09,588 live at the comedy store Oh, thank you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 25 live at the comedy store 00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,347 live at the comedy store Anyway, I've had a lovely- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 26 live at the comedy store 00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:19,058 live at the comedy store That's it for me, thank you very live at the comedy store much, thank you very much. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 27 live at the comedy store 00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:33,738 live at the comedy store Anyway, with that, live at the comedy store I'm gonna bring up the man. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 28 live at the comedy store 00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:35,281 live at the comedy store Do you know the man? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 29 live at the comedy store 00:02:35,282 --> 00:02:36,115 live at the comedy store Mister who? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 30 live at the comedy store 00:02:36,116 --> 00:02:38,118 live at the comedy store Mr. Louie-who, what? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 31 live at the comedy store 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,746 live at the comedy store Mr. Louis Prima? No. live at the comedy store Mr. Louis Armstrong? No. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 32 live at the comedy store 00:02:41,788 --> 00:02:43,164 live at the comedy store Mr. Louis C.K.! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 33 live at the comedy store 00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,415 live at the comedy store Here he is. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 34 live at the comedy store 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,520 live at the comedy store Thank you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 35 live at the comedy store 00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:12,734 live at the comedy store Oh. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 36 live at the comedy store 00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:16,280 live at the comedy store Oh, my God, you guys. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 37 live at the comedy store 00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:18,158 live at the comedy store Oh, my God, thank you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 38 live at the comedy store 00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,661 live at the comedy store This- live at the comedy store You guys... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 39 live at the comedy store 00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:24,372 live at the comedy store You guys are great, thank you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 40 live at the comedy store 00:03:26,541 --> 00:03:28,127 live at the comedy store This is what I talk like now, live at the comedy store just so you know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 41 live at the comedy store 00:03:30,712 --> 00:03:33,631 live at the comedy store I'm gonna do live at the comedy store the whole show like this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 42 live at the comedy store 00:03:33,673 --> 00:03:37,052 live at the comedy store A really-a very offensive live at the comedy store stereotype... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 43 live at the comedy store 00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,723 live at the comedy store ...of a Mexican. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 44 live at the comedy store 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,224 live at the comedy store This is... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 45 live at the comedy store 00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:48,312 live at the comedy store This is a Mexican at the border. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 46 live at the comedy store 00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:49,897 live at the comedy store Just let me in! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 47 live at the comedy store 00:03:51,733 --> 00:03:53,401 live at the comedy store Jesus! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 48 live at the comedy store 00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:54,569 live at the comedy store He won't let me- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 49 live at the comedy store 00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:57,447 live at the comedy store You guys are dicks live at the comedy store in there, anyways! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 50 live at the comedy store 00:03:59,699 --> 00:04:02,410 live at the comedy store Fuck you, America! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 51 live at the comedy store 00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,247 live at the comedy store Was that too high up, live at the comedy store do you think? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 52 live at the comedy store 00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:11,753 live at the comedy store That's why I like- live at the comedy store I always like to stand live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 53 live at the comedy store 00:04:11,794 --> 00:04:13,421 live at the comedy store just a little bit wrong, live at the comedy store you know? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 54 live at the comedy store 00:04:13,463 --> 00:04:16,424 live at the comedy store Just for my own entertainment, live at the comedy store instead of standing like this, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 55 live at the comedy store 00:04:16,466 --> 00:04:19,635 live at the comedy store just put it a little bit up live at the comedy store here, just so people are like- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 56 live at the comedy store 00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,679 live at the comedy store I don't know why live at the comedy store that bothers me. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 57 live at the comedy store 00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,850 live at the comedy store Especially if I'm somewhere live at the comedy store I don't like being, like CVS. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 58 live at the comedy store 00:04:25,892 --> 00:04:27,393 live at the comedy store You know, I hate CVS. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 59 live at the comedy store 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,436 live at the comedy store But sometimes live at the comedy store you gotta go in there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 60 live at the comedy store 00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:34,692 live at the comedy store That should be live at the comedy store their slogan, CVS. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 61 live at the comedy store 00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,780 live at the comedy store Sometimes live at the comedy store you gotta come in here." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 62 live at the comedy store 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:46,246 live at the comedy store Where else you gonna get live at the comedy store your wart Band-Aids live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 63 live at the comedy store 00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:50,541 live at the comedy store and that stuff live at the comedy store for your dry vaginer? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 64 live at the comedy store 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,213 live at the comedy store Dry vaginer. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 65 live at the comedy store 00:04:56,714 --> 00:04:59,842 live at the comedy store I used to think live at the comedy store it was called a "vaginer." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 66 live at the comedy store 00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:03,930 live at the comedy store I did, because I grew up live at the comedy store in Boston and the- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 67 live at the comedy store 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,140 live at the comedy store I don't know live at the comedy store if you are familiar with- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 68 live at the comedy store 00:05:05,182 --> 00:05:07,059 live at the comedy store People call it live at the comedy store the Boston accent. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 69 live at the comedy store 00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:09,352 live at the comedy store It's not an accent. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 70 live at the comedy store 00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:12,231 live at the comedy store It's a whole city of people live at the comedy store saying most words wrong. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 71 live at the comedy store 00:05:13,232 --> 00:05:17,902 live at the comedy store It's just a stupidity live at the comedy store in a massive region. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 72 live at the comedy store 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,238 live at the comedy store Because my teachers, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 73 live at the comedy store 00:05:21,239 --> 00:05:21,530 live at the comedy store they teach you live at the comedy store to talk like that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 74 live at the comedy store 00:05:21,531 --> 00:05:24,825 live at the comedy store My teacher-I had a teacher live at the comedy store named Miss Daugherty, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 75 live at the comedy store 00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:27,328 live at the comedy store but she thought live at the comedy store her name was Mrs. Darrity. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 76 live at the comedy store 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,164 live at the comedy store She mispronounced her own name. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 77 live at the comedy store 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,833 live at the comedy store Mrs. Darrity! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 78 live at the comedy store 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,754 live at the comedy store And she'd give us sex-ed- live at the comedy store This was fifth grade. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 79 live at the comedy store 00:05:35,795 --> 00:05:38,172 live at the comedy store We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 80 live at the comedy store 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,882 live at the comedy store and she's showing us live at the comedy store the diagram, she's like, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 81 live at the comedy store 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,474 live at the comedy store "This is a penis. 82 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:45,262 And this is a vaginer." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 83 live at the comedy store 00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:51,644 live at the comedy store "Now, during intercourse, the man ejaculates sperm... 84 00:05:53,479 --> 00:05:54,564 ... up into the vaginer." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 85 live at the comedy store 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,047 live at the comedy store "And then later, 86 00:05:59,082 --> 00:06:00,695 a fucking baby..." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 87 live at the comedy store 00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,867 live at the comedy store "... comes out of the vaginer. 88 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,454 And sometimes it's 'retahded. '" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 89 live at the comedy store 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,291 live at the comedy store This was the '70s. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 90 live at the comedy store 00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:17,878 live at the comedy store A teacher said "retahded" live at the comedy store in Boston in the '70s. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 91 live at the comedy store 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,464 live at the comedy store My daughter's retahded. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 92 live at the comedy store 00:06:20,499 --> 00:06:21,882 live at the comedy store She used to tell us every day. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 93 live at the comedy store 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:25,302 live at the comedy store "I have a daughter and she's mentally retahded. 94 00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:29,348 She's 35 and she lives" live at the comedy store in my house. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 95 live at the comedy store 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,892 live at the comedy store "She better be fucking retahded. 96 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,897 I'm gonna stick her back up in my vaginer." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 97 live at the comedy store 00:06:41,402 --> 00:06:43,738 live at the comedy store So I thought it was called live at the comedy store a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 98 live at the comedy store 00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:46,240 live at the comedy store And I remember thinking live at the comedy store it was, like- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 99 live at the comedy store 00:06:46,241 --> 00:06:46,657 live at the comedy store It's a vaginer, it's a- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 100 live at the comedy store 00:06:46,658 --> 00:06:51,995 live at the comedy store Like, a thing live at the comedy store that vagines, you know? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 101 live at the comedy store 00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:55,666 live at the comedy store Like, you use it to vagine- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 102 live at the comedy store 00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:59,253 live at the comedy store I gotta vagine my driveway. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 103 live at the comedy store 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:00,294 live at the comedy store I don't know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 104 live at the comedy store 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,841 live at the comedy store I just gotta vagine live at the comedy store this new table I just made. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 105 live at the comedy store 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,762 live at the comedy store That would make a nice table, live at the comedy store like, you make a new table live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 106 live at the comedy store 00:07:07,804 --> 00:07:11,348 live at the comedy store and then you take the- live at the comedy store the 80-grit paper live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 107 live at the comedy store 00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:14,101 live at the comedy store and you sand it, and then 120, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 108 live at the comedy store 00:07:14,102 --> 00:07:14,601 live at the comedy store and then you go, "All right, live at the comedy store honey, get up there," live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 109 live at the comedy store 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,229 live at the comedy store and she just... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 110 live at the comedy store 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:21,150 live at the comedy store Like, an old- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 111 live at the comedy store 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,777 live at the comedy store Like, one of those live at the comedy store Danish tables, or like a... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 112 live at the comedy store 00:07:23,653 --> 00:07:24,696 live at the comedy store Ooh. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 113 live at the comedy store 00:07:24,737 --> 00:07:28,031 live at the comedy store Nice old Italian table. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 114 live at the comedy store 00:07:28,825 --> 00:07:29,825 live at the comedy store "This table is-a very smooth 115 00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:35,122 because, eh, my wife" live at the comedy store have a very juicy pussy live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 116 live at the comedy store 00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:39,960 live at the comedy store "and she vagine the table and my family, 117 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:41,713 we do this for generations, we vagine." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 118 live at the comedy store 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,135 live at the comedy store All right. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 119 live at the comedy store 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,765 live at the comedy store So I'm 47 now, and, uh... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 120 live at the comedy store 00:07:52,807 --> 00:07:54,893 live at the comedy store Yeah, I know, that's about live at the comedy store what it's worth. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 121 live at the comedy store 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,271 live at the comedy store That's what it- live at the comedy store That's what that deserves. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 122 live at the comedy store 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:00,313 live at the comedy store Woo. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 123 live at the comedy store 00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:01,733 live at the comedy store Woo. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 124 live at the comedy store 00:08:03,610 --> 00:08:04,610 live at the comedy store Woo! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 125 live at the comedy store 00:08:04,611 --> 00:08:08,030 live at the comedy store Yeah, 47 doesn't live at the comedy store buy you anything. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 126 live at the comedy store 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:11,074 live at the comedy store 18, you can vote, live at the comedy store 21, you can drink, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 127 live at the comedy store 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:14,036 live at the comedy store and 47, you can just- live at the comedy store Just keep doing whatever. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 128 live at the comedy store 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,077 live at the comedy store Just do... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 129 live at the comedy store 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,082 live at the comedy store Just keep being out of breath. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 130 live at the comedy store 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,214 live at the comedy store One good thing is that live at the comedy store I've let go of any dream live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 131 live at the comedy store 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,759 live at the comedy store of getting in great shape, live at the comedy store like, it's like a relief. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 132 live at the comedy store 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,844 live at the comedy store Just 'cause- live at the comedy store My whole life I've been like, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 133 live at the comedy store 00:08:29,886 --> 00:08:31,930 live at the comedy store well, someday, I should live at the comedy store really get in great shape. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 134 live at the comedy store 00:08:31,971 --> 00:08:33,598 live at the comedy store Now, I'm like, what? live at the comedy store Why would I do that? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 135 live at the comedy store 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,433 live at the comedy store That's not gonna happen. live at the comedy store Just- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 136 live at the comedy store 00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,227 live at the comedy store To me, the bar, live at the comedy store the level I wanna reach live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 137 live at the comedy store 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:39,854 live at the comedy store as far as the shape I'm in, live at the comedy store I just want it to be live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 138 live at the comedy store 00:08:39,896 --> 00:08:43,106 live at the comedy store so that if you find out live at the comedy store that I died, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 139 live at the comedy store 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,400 live at the comedy store you ask "What happened?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 140 live at the comedy store 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:46,611 live at the comedy store That's all. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 141 live at the comedy store 00:08:46,653 --> 00:08:48,530 live at the comedy store I want you to wonder live at the comedy store what happened. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 142 live at the comedy store 00:08:51,950 --> 00:08:53,785 live at the comedy store I don't want it to be live at the comedy store like, "Oh, he died?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 143 live at the comedy store 00:08:53,826 --> 00:08:55,954 live at the comedy store Oh, yeah, well, sure. live at the comedy store Sure he did. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 144 live at the comedy store 00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,622 live at the comedy store Sure he did. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 145 live at the comedy store 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,127 live at the comedy store This'd be bigger news to you- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 146 live at the comedy store 00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,462 live at the comedy store Did you hear live at the comedy store Louie's still alive? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 147 live at the comedy store 00:09:05,497 --> 00:09:07,089 live at the comedy store Shit. live at the comedy store Oh, really? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 148 live at the comedy store 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,216 live at the comedy store Oh, my God! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 149 live at the comedy store 00:09:09,258 --> 00:09:12,469 live at the comedy store Oh, my God, how? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 150 live at the comedy store 00:09:12,504 --> 00:09:14,054 live at the comedy store How? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 151 live at the comedy store 00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:17,725 live at the comedy store Some things change live at the comedy store when you get older. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 152 live at the comedy store 00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,562 live at the comedy store Like, I've reallocated some live at the comedy store of the noises that I make. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 153 live at the comedy store 00:09:21,896 --> 00:09:25,440 live at the comedy store Like, the noise live at the comedy store I used to make when I come live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 154 live at the comedy store 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:26,901 live at the comedy store is now the noise I make live at the comedy store when I pee. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 155 live at the comedy store 00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,534 live at the comedy store Oh... oh... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 156 live at the comedy store 00:09:35,577 --> 00:09:37,704 live at the comedy store Oh... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 157 live at the comedy store 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,747 live at the comedy store Ah... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 158 live at the comedy store 00:09:41,916 --> 00:09:43,918 live at the comedy store Ahhh... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 159 live at the comedy store 00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:47,005 live at the comedy store Take it all, bitch. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 160 live at the comedy store 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,804 live at the comedy store Very disrespectful live at the comedy store to my toilet, unfortunately. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 161 live at the comedy store 00:09:54,846 --> 00:09:58,432 live at the comedy store Yeah, you like that piss, live at the comedy store don't you? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 162 live at the comedy store 00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,473 live at the comedy store Bitch! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 163 live at the comedy store 00:09:59,517 --> 00:10:02,604 live at the comedy store I'm gonna shit in your mouth, live at the comedy store too, 'cause you ain't nothing live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 164 live at the comedy store 00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:06,524 live at the comedy store but a shit-eatin', live at the comedy store piss-drinkin' toilet! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 165 live at the comedy store 00:10:08,526 --> 00:10:11,445 live at the comedy store Dumb bitch, toilet! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 166 live at the comedy store 00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,322 live at the comedy store You ain't intelligent. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 167 live at the comedy store 00:10:13,531 --> 00:10:15,742 live at the comedy store You ain't even been outside. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 168 live at the comedy store 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:20,120 live at the comedy store You sit there waiting for me live at the comedy store to shit in your face. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 169 live at the comedy store 00:10:20,622 --> 00:10:23,457 live at the comedy store Got piss on your lips. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 170 live at the comedy store 00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:26,586 live at the comedy store You ain't even special. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 171 live at the comedy store 00:10:26,628 --> 00:10:30,213 live at the comedy store I pissed in three toilets today. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 172 live at the comedy store 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,255 live at the comedy store You ain't shit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 173 live at the comedy store 00:10:34,886 --> 00:10:35,886 live at the comedy store That's terrible. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 174 live at the comedy store 00:10:35,887 --> 00:10:38,014 live at the comedy store That's awful. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 175 live at the comedy store 00:10:38,056 --> 00:10:39,807 live at the comedy store But that's how my dad live at the comedy store treated his toilet, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 176 live at the comedy store 00:10:39,849 --> 00:10:42,434 live at the comedy store so that's where I learned it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 177 live at the comedy store 00:10:45,980 --> 00:10:48,357 live at the comedy store It's a shame. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 178 live at the comedy store 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,235 live at the comedy store So that's the noise live at the comedy store I make when I pee. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 179 live at the comedy store 00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:53,655 live at the comedy store And, uh, some of you live at the comedy store might be wondering- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 180 live at the comedy store 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:56,281 live at the comedy store None of you are wondering... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 181 live at the comedy store 00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,452 live at the comedy store ...what noise do I make live at the comedy store when I come. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 182 live at the comedy store 00:11:00,453 --> 00:11:01,119 live at the comedy store So this is the noise live at the comedy store I make when I come. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 183 live at the comedy store 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,915 live at the comedy store I just go... live at the comedy store It is done! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 184 live at the comedy store 00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:09,671 live at the comedy store It's a whole thing with clouds live at the comedy store and lightning and crows. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 185 live at the comedy store 00:11:10,797 --> 00:11:13,591 live at the comedy store The circle is complete! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 186 live at the comedy store 00:11:13,633 --> 00:11:15,551 live at the comedy store It's kind of intense. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 187 live at the comedy store 00:11:17,512 --> 00:11:20,389 live at the comedy store And there's a little witch live at the comedy store with white eyes going, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 188 live at the comedy store 00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,766 live at the comedy store And a child will be born! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 189 live at the comedy store 00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,018 live at the comedy store I don't know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 190 live at the comedy store 00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:29,981 live at the comedy store One time I was live at the comedy store having sex with a woman, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 191 live at the comedy store 00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:32,110 live at the comedy store it was our first time live at the comedy store having sex. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 192 live at the comedy store 00:11:32,151 --> 00:11:35,530 live at the comedy store Also turned out to be live at the comedy store our last time, but I wasn't- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 193 live at the comedy store 00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,573 live at the comedy store Didn't know that at the- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 194 live at the comedy store 00:11:37,615 --> 00:11:39,742 live at the comedy store Anyway, I was getting- live at the comedy store I was gonna come soon, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 195 live at the comedy store 00:11:39,784 --> 00:11:42,704 live at the comedy store so I felt like talking live at the comedy store about it, and... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 196 live at the comedy store 00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,789 live at the comedy store But I didn't know her very well. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 197 live at the comedy store 00:11:44,831 --> 00:11:49,459 live at the comedy store So it came out weird, live at the comedy store I said, "Oh, I'm cooming." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 198 live at the comedy store 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,633 live at the comedy store She's like, "What did you say?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 199 live at the comedy store 00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,555 live at the comedy store 'Cause I was back there. live at the comedy store That's why. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 200 live at the comedy store 00:12:02,056 --> 00:12:03,056 live at the comedy store That's why live at the comedy store she had to go like this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 201 live at the comedy store 00:12:03,057 --> 00:12:05,308 live at the comedy store "What'd you say? 202 00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,603 What was that back there, chief? What was that?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 203 live at the comedy store 00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:14,317 live at the comedy store 'Cause I'm always back there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 204 live at the comedy store 00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:19,031 live at the comedy store That's a-that's a weird thing live at the comedy store to brag about. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 205 live at the comedy store 00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:21,159 live at the comedy store I'm always behind her. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 206 live at the comedy store 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,502 live at the comedy store Every time. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 207 live at the comedy store 00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:26,748 live at the comedy store So they don't see me crying. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 208 live at the comedy store 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:31,960 live at the comedy store It's weird having sex live at the comedy store with a woman from behind live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 209 live at the comedy store 00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:33,921 live at the comedy store 'cause you don't know live at the comedy store what's going on the whole time live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 210 live at the comedy store 00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,215 live at the comedy store and you get kinda paranoid. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 211 live at the comedy store 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,342 live at the comedy store The whole time, live at the comedy store she might be like... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 212 live at the comedy store 00:13:05,119 --> 00:13:06,621 live at the comedy store I was on the subway in New York. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 213 live at the comedy store 00:13:07,872 --> 00:13:11,374 live at the comedy store This isn't another sex story. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 214 live at the comedy store 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:14,376 live at the comedy store This is a traveling story. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 215 live at the comedy store 00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:16,547 live at the comedy store Are you ready? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 216 live at the comedy store 00:13:18,049 --> 00:13:20,551 live at the comedy store So I'm on the subway live at the comedy store and I'm standing there- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 217 live at the comedy store 00:13:20,593 --> 00:13:22,762 live at the comedy store I wasn't holding anything, live at the comedy store I just like to stand like this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 218 live at the comedy store 00:13:22,804 --> 00:13:25,388 live at the comedy store I'm standing there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 219 live at the comedy store 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,975 live at the comedy store I walk around the city live at the comedy store like this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 220 live at the comedy store 00:13:28,017 --> 00:13:30,393 live at the comedy store Hi. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 221 live at the comedy store 00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:33,022 live at the comedy store So I'm standing there and live at the comedy store from behind me over here, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 222 live at the comedy store 00:13:33,064 --> 00:13:36,316 live at the comedy store I hear this. I hear... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 223 live at the comedy store 00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:38,443 live at the comedy store And I was like, whew, okay. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 224 live at the comedy store 00:13:38,444 --> 00:13:38,860 live at the comedy store It's a crazy person. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 225 live at the comedy store 00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,947 live at the comedy store I mean, it's not a big surprise live at the comedy store in New York. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 226 live at the comedy store 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,615 live at the comedy store Then I heard it again. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 227 live at the comedy store 00:13:42,657 --> 00:13:43,699 live at the comedy store I was like, live at the comedy store all right, I wanna see, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 228 live at the comedy store 00:13:43,741 --> 00:13:47,494 live at the comedy store I wanna see the crazy person. live at the comedy store I just wanna take a look. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 229 live at the comedy store 00:13:47,529 --> 00:13:48,529 live at the comedy store So I look over and live at the comedy store it's not what I expected. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 230 live at the comedy store 00:13:48,538 --> 00:13:51,082 live at the comedy store It wasn't a big homeless guy live at the comedy store with two sets of headphones live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 231 live at the comedy store 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,625 live at the comedy store that don't work live at the comedy store or anything like that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 232 live at the comedy store 00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:55,086 live at the comedy store It was a... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 233 live at the comedy store 00:13:56,587 --> 00:13:58,756 live at the comedy store A young woman, live at the comedy store she looked like she was about 21 live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 234 live at the comedy store 00:13:58,798 --> 00:14:01,383 live at the comedy store and she's standing there, live at the comedy store she's very, kinda nice- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 235 live at the comedy store 00:14:01,384 --> 00:14:01,758 live at the comedy store Properly dressed. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 236 live at the comedy store 00:14:01,759 --> 00:14:04,512 live at the comedy store She was very, like, live at the comedy store Michigan-y or something. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 237 live at the comedy store 00:14:04,554 --> 00:14:07,890 live at the comedy store Very suburban-y, Michigan-y live at the comedy store kinda thing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 238 live at the comedy store 00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,268 live at the comedy store And she's standing there live at the comedy store with her ponytail, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 239 live at the comedy store 00:14:10,309 --> 00:14:11,727 live at the comedy store and then all of a sudden, live at the comedy store she starts going like this, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 240 live at the comedy store 00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:14,730 live at the comedy store she goes... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 241 live at the comedy store 00:14:14,772 --> 00:14:16,732 live at the comedy store La-la la-la-la la-la!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 242 live at the comedy store 00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:19,359 live at the comedy store And I realize, oh, live at the comedy store she's, like, a student, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 243 live at the comedy store 00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,653 live at the comedy store like, a singing music student, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 244 live at the comedy store 00:14:20,695 --> 00:14:23,698 live at the comedy store and she's doing her vocal live at the comedy store exercises on the subway. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 245 live at the comedy store 00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:27,743 live at the comedy store You know what? live at the comedy store It wasn't charming or nice. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 246 live at the comedy store 00:14:27,785 --> 00:14:29,871 live at the comedy store It was arrogant and rude, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 247 live at the comedy store 00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,289 live at the comedy store 'cause she just had live at the comedy store this look like, it's- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 248 live at the comedy store 00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:35,626 live at the comedy store I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying live at the comedy store music in New York City live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 249 live at the comedy store 00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:40,047 live at the comedy store and I just do my thing live at the comedy store right on the subway every day. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 250 live at the comedy store 00:14:40,089 --> 00:14:43,718 live at the comedy store La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 251 live at the comedy store 00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:49,472 live at the comedy store La-la la-la-la la-la, live at the comedy store tired nurse live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 252 live at the comedy store 00:14:49,507 --> 00:14:50,600 live at the comedy store who just did a 14-hour shift! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 253 live at the comedy store 00:15:01,719 --> 00:15:03,595 live at the comedy store We live in an interesting time, live at the comedy store you know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 254 live at the comedy store 00:15:03,637 --> 00:15:05,222 live at the comedy store 'Cause you can be live at the comedy store on an airplane, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 255 live at the comedy store 00:15:05,264 --> 00:15:07,224 live at the comedy store you're like one live at the comedy store of 200 passengers. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 256 live at the comedy store 00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:09,059 live at the comedy store You're on a flight live at the comedy store 30,000 feet in the air, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 257 live at the comedy store 00:15:09,101 --> 00:15:10,185 live at the comedy store and in the middle of the flight live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 258 live at the comedy store 00:15:10,227 --> 00:15:12,646 live at the comedy store if you just decide to do this, live at the comedy store you're sitting in your seat live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 259 live at the comedy store 00:15:12,688 --> 00:15:14,148 live at the comedy store and you just start going live at the comedy store like this, you go... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 260 live at the comedy store 00:15:14,189 --> 00:15:15,649 live at the comedy store Maaah! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 261 live at the comedy store 00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:20,904 live at the comedy store Maaah! Mahh! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 262 live at the comedy store 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:26,868 live at the comedy store If you do that and live at the comedy store don't stop doing it, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 263 live at the comedy store 00:15:26,903 --> 00:15:27,995 live at the comedy store they will land the plane. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 264 live at the comedy store 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,045 live at the comedy store You can will a plane live at the comedy store to the ground live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 265 live at the comedy store 00:15:36,086 --> 00:15:38,088 live at the comedy store without a weapon or a threat. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 266 live at the comedy store 00:15:41,342 --> 00:15:42,468 live at the comedy store You don't even live at the comedy store have to do that much, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 267 live at the comedy store 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,179 live at the comedy store you can just sit there and live at the comedy store just start going, "Down! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 268 live at the comedy store 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,432 live at the comedy store Down!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 269 live at the comedy store 00:15:48,474 --> 00:15:50,642 live at the comedy store Seriously, if you were live at the comedy store on a plane live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 270 live at the comedy store 00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:53,062 live at the comedy store and you just didn't live at the comedy store stop saying "down." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 271 live at the comedy store 00:15:53,103 --> 00:15:54,813 live at the comedy store "Down! 272 00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:56,855 Down!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 273 live at the comedy store 00:15:56,940 --> 00:15:59,234 live at the comedy store Sir, is there a problem? live at the comedy store "Down! 274 00:15:59,276 --> 00:16:00,652 Down!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 275 live at the comedy store 00:16:02,446 --> 00:16:04,323 live at the comedy store Fighter jets will appear- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 276 live at the comedy store 00:16:04,365 --> 00:16:07,451 live at the comedy store I mean, you're going live at the comedy store to the nearest airport. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 277 live at the comedy store 00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:10,996 live at the comedy store And then I guess live at the comedy store you're in trouble, but... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 278 live at the comedy store 00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,415 live at the comedy store What? They can't put you, live at the comedy store like, in prison live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 279 live at the comedy store 00:16:13,457 --> 00:16:17,127 live at the comedy store because you said live at the comedy store down several times. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 280 live at the comedy store 00:16:17,169 --> 00:16:18,886 live at the comedy store They, like, bother you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 281 live at the comedy store 00:16:18,921 --> 00:16:20,422 live at the comedy store "Why'd you do it? Are you a terrorist? 282 00:16:20,464 --> 00:16:21,757 Why'd you do it?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 283 live at the comedy store 00:16:21,799 --> 00:16:24,635 live at the comedy store "I just-I just didn't want to be up anymore. 284 00:16:24,676 --> 00:16:26,428 I just didn't like it." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 285 live at the comedy store 00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:31,308 live at the comedy store "I mean, I just said the word of the-where I wanted to be. 286 00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:33,352 You didn't have to do it." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 287 live at the comedy store 00:16:35,312 --> 00:16:39,066 live at the comedy store It was just a suggestion, live at the comedy store Jesus Christ." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 288 live at the comedy store 00:16:40,943 --> 00:16:43,904 live at the comedy store I was on a plane once and there live at the comedy store was two babies on the plane. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 289 live at the comedy store 00:16:43,946 --> 00:16:46,240 live at the comedy store And other people, live at the comedy store it wasn't just... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 290 live at the comedy store 00:16:48,534 --> 00:16:50,786 live at the comedy store It wasn't just me live at the comedy store and two babies. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 291 live at the comedy store 00:16:54,248 --> 00:16:55,916 live at the comedy store That would be weird. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 292 live at the comedy store 00:16:57,167 --> 00:16:59,420 live at the comedy store You get on a plane, live at the comedy store there's just two babies. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 293 live at the comedy store 00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:09,471 live at the comedy store Come on, we're leaving soon. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 294 live at the comedy store 00:17:10,931 --> 00:17:13,183 live at the comedy store He's the pilot baby. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 295 live at the comedy store 00:17:14,852 --> 00:17:16,854 live at the comedy store I'm the other baby. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 296 live at the comedy store 00:17:20,065 --> 00:17:22,109 live at the comedy store No, that's all right, live at the comedy store I'm not gonna... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 297 live at the comedy store 00:17:23,569 --> 00:17:25,612 live at the comedy store You babies have a good flight, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 298 live at the comedy store 00:17:25,654 --> 00:17:28,115 live at the comedy store but I'm gonna find live at the comedy store another way to get there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 299 live at the comedy store 00:17:28,157 --> 00:17:30,534 live at the comedy store Yeah, I don't like the way live at the comedy store this was starting. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 300 live at the comedy store 00:17:34,079 --> 00:17:37,416 live at the comedy store Anyway, I was on a plane live at the comedy store and there was these two babies live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 301 live at the comedy store 00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,001 live at the comedy store and they were crying live at the comedy store the whole time, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 302 live at the comedy store 00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:40,711 live at the comedy store crying the whole flight, live at the comedy store and that happens a lot. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 303 live at the comedy store 00:17:40,752 --> 00:17:43,547 live at the comedy store I don't think they knew each live at the comedy store other, they were just crying. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 304 live at the comedy store 00:17:43,589 --> 00:17:45,257 live at the comedy store I've seen this live at the comedy store on so many flights, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 305 live at the comedy store 00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:46,800 live at the comedy store I started to wonder, is there live at the comedy store a reason for this? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 306 live at the comedy store 00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:48,218 live at the comedy store Is there, like, live at the comedy store an actual reason why babies- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 307 live at the comedy store 00:17:48,260 --> 00:17:50,053 live at the comedy store So I looked it up. Turns out, live at the comedy store there's an actual reason live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 308 live at the comedy store 00:17:50,095 --> 00:17:51,931 live at the comedy store why babies cry on airplanes, live at the comedy store and it's because they're upset live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 309 live at the comedy store 00:17:52,973 --> 00:17:55,767 live at the comedy store that gay people live at the comedy store are getting married. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 310 live at the comedy store 00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:56,894 live at the comedy store Yeah. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 311 live at the comedy store 00:17:58,061 --> 00:18:00,940 live at the comedy store They're, like, really upset. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 312 live at the comedy store 00:18:01,982 --> 00:18:04,067 live at the comedy store Like, inconsolably upset. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 313 live at the comedy store 00:18:05,068 --> 00:18:06,445 live at the comedy store Honey, it's- live at the comedy store The country's changing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 314 live at the comedy store 00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:07,821 live at the comedy store Waah! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 315 live at the comedy store 00:18:10,950 --> 00:18:13,035 live at the comedy store And I don't agree with them. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 316 live at the comedy store 00:18:13,076 --> 00:18:16,330 live at the comedy store I think if people are in love, live at the comedy store they should get married. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 317 live at the comedy store 00:18:16,371 --> 00:18:20,042 live at the comedy store But they can't- live at the comedy store They can't accept that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 318 live at the comedy store 00:18:20,083 --> 00:18:22,419 live at the comedy store 'Cause they're just-You know, live at the comedy store they're just being babies. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 319 live at the comedy store 00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:28,008 live at the comedy store Babies are selfish. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 320 live at the comedy store 00:18:28,050 --> 00:18:30,260 live at the comedy store They are, babies are selfish. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 321 live at the comedy store 00:18:30,302 --> 00:18:32,471 live at the comedy store They just, waah! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 322 live at the comedy store 00:18:32,513 --> 00:18:35,349 live at the comedy store No baby ever goes, "Waah, live at the comedy store but how you doing, though?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 323 live at the comedy store 00:18:40,604 --> 00:18:42,856 live at the comedy store I have two daughters and both of live at the comedy store them at one time were babies live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 324 live at the comedy store 00:18:42,898 --> 00:18:43,900 live at the comedy store and I held them live at the comedy store and they cried on planes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 325 live at the comedy store 00:18:43,942 --> 00:18:45,944 live at the comedy store It's happened to me, live at the comedy store I've had a baby on a plane. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 326 live at the comedy store 00:18:45,985 --> 00:18:48,779 live at the comedy store If you're ever- live at the comedy store This is how selfish people are. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 327 live at the comedy store 00:18:48,820 --> 00:18:50,364 live at the comedy store When you're on a plane and live at the comedy store you hear a baby crying, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 328 live at the comedy store 00:18:50,405 --> 00:18:52,407 live at the comedy store you think that's live at the comedy store happening to you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 329 live at the comedy store 00:18:52,449 --> 00:18:55,786 live at the comedy store You're like, "Ugh, this is live at the comedy store gonna ruin my flight! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 330 live at the comedy store 00:18:55,827 --> 00:18:58,497 live at the comedy store It's gonna ruin it!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 331 live at the comedy store 00:18:58,539 --> 00:19:01,166 live at the comedy store Well, look at the parent, live at the comedy store 'cause that person is holding live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 332 live at the comedy store 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,502 live at the comedy store a crying baby on a plane, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 333 live at the comedy store 00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:07,089 live at the comedy store which means they've been live at the comedy store traveling with a baby all day, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 334 live at the comedy store 00:19:07,130 --> 00:19:11,802 live at the comedy store which means they have live at the comedy store a baby, okay? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 335 live at the comedy store 00:19:11,843 --> 00:19:14,263 live at the comedy store So their life isn't even good. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 336 live at the comedy store 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,808 live at the comedy store They don't like anything. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 337 live at the comedy store 00:19:17,849 --> 00:19:20,686 live at the comedy store Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 338 live at the comedy store 00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:24,064 live at the comedy store If there's any joy for them, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 339 live at the comedy store 00:19:24,106 --> 00:19:28,068 live at the comedy store it's that this is now live at the comedy store bothering other people. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 340 live at the comedy store 00:19:28,110 --> 00:19:30,320 live at the comedy store "Yeah, you listen to this shit now!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 341 live at the comedy store 00:19:30,362 --> 00:19:32,364 live at the comedy store Waah! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 342 live at the comedy store 00:19:38,287 --> 00:19:40,247 live at the comedy store I remember one time, my baby live at the comedy store was crying on the plane, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 343 live at the comedy store 00:19:40,289 --> 00:19:41,582 live at the comedy store she was really upset, live at the comedy store and this guy, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 344 live at the comedy store 00:19:41,623 --> 00:19:42,708 live at the comedy store some businessman on the plane, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 345 live at the comedy store 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,251 live at the comedy store 'cause businessmen live at the comedy store always think that every flight live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 346 live at the comedy store 00:19:44,293 --> 00:19:46,712 live at the comedy store is a private plane of theirs live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 347 live at the comedy store 00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:50,257 live at the comedy store that we're all, like, live at the comedy store piggybacking on. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 348 live at the comedy store 00:19:50,299 --> 00:19:52,051 live at the comedy store And this guy has live at the comedy store his fucking newspaper live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 349 live at the comedy store 00:19:52,969 --> 00:19:53,969 live at the comedy store and he turns around to look live at the comedy store at me and my baby live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 350 live at the comedy store 00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:56,430 live at the comedy store and he looks right at me. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 351 live at the comedy store 00:19:56,471 --> 00:19:57,681 live at the comedy store He doesn't kinda, like, live at the comedy store go like this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 352 live at the comedy store 00:19:57,723 --> 00:19:59,017 live at the comedy store He looks at me like, hmm? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 353 live at the comedy store 00:19:59,058 --> 00:20:02,436 live at the comedy store Like, could you? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 354 live at the comedy store 00:20:04,438 --> 00:20:06,523 live at the comedy store I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry, live at the comedy store is this bothering you? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 355 live at the comedy store 00:20:06,565 --> 00:20:07,899 live at the comedy store Let me just..." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 356 live at the comedy store 00:20:35,135 --> 00:20:37,554 live at the comedy store You all just clapped live at the comedy store for a dead baby. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 357 live at the comedy store 00:20:39,556 --> 00:20:41,558 live at the comedy store You applauded a dead baby. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 358 live at the comedy store 00:20:46,188 --> 00:20:48,607 live at the comedy store I have two children. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 359 live at the comedy store 00:20:48,649 --> 00:20:50,068 live at the comedy store Uh, nine and 12 years old. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 360 live at the comedy store 00:20:50,109 --> 00:20:52,319 live at the comedy store Both girls. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 361 live at the comedy store 00:20:52,361 --> 00:20:54,072 live at the comedy store Uh, they're both gay. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 362 live at the comedy store 00:20:54,113 --> 00:20:56,365 live at the comedy store Um... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 363 live at the comedy store 00:20:57,407 --> 00:20:58,407 live at the comedy store I'm raising 'em gay. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 364 live at the comedy store 00:21:00,494 --> 00:21:01,662 live at the comedy store Most people live at the comedy store raise their kids straight, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 365 live at the comedy store 00:21:01,703 --> 00:21:03,497 live at the comedy store I'm just gonna raise mine gay. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 366 live at the comedy store 00:21:03,538 --> 00:21:06,667 live at the comedy store Maybe they'll do what live at the comedy store they want later, but, uh, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 367 live at the comedy store 00:21:06,708 --> 00:21:09,336 live at the comedy store as long as they're in live at the comedy store my house, they're gay. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 368 live at the comedy store 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,052 live at the comedy store I tell 'em every day, live at the comedy store you're gay, honey, good night. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 369 live at the comedy store 00:21:16,094 --> 00:21:17,970 live at the comedy store Go to bed. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 370 live at the comedy store 00:21:18,012 --> 00:21:21,306 live at the comedy store Brush your gay teeth, gay honey. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 371 live at the comedy store 00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:27,253 live at the comedy store Don't forget to be gay. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 372 live at the comedy store 00:21:32,175 --> 00:21:33,427 live at the comedy store Having children live at the comedy store is a big responsibility live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 373 live at the comedy store 00:21:33,469 --> 00:21:36,514 live at the comedy store and I've never really done live at the comedy store very well at it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 374 live at the comedy store 00:21:36,555 --> 00:21:39,015 live at the comedy store I've made a lot of mistakes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 375 live at the comedy store 00:21:39,057 --> 00:21:40,274 live at the comedy store Some of them big, some of them live at the comedy store small, you know? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 376 live at the comedy store 00:21:40,309 --> 00:21:44,729 live at the comedy store Like, I'm still a person, live at the comedy store I still am an idiot, you know, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 377 live at the comedy store 00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:47,190 live at the comedy store still, like, I- live at the comedy store I got high one night, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 378 live at the comedy store 00:21:47,232 --> 00:21:49,692 live at the comedy store I got really high, because live at the comedy store I don't do drugs. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 379 live at the comedy store 00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:52,028 live at the comedy store I never do drugs, never. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 380 live at the comedy store 00:21:52,070 --> 00:21:54,239 live at the comedy store So that when I do... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 381 live at the comedy store 00:21:55,865 --> 00:21:57,617 live at the comedy store ...they're way more fun. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 382 live at the comedy store 00:21:59,285 --> 00:22:00,912 live at the comedy store To me, that's my best advice live at the comedy store about drugs. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 383 live at the comedy store 00:22:00,954 --> 00:22:03,790 live at the comedy store If you want to enjoy drugs, live at the comedy store never do them, never. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 384 live at the comedy store 00:22:03,832 --> 00:22:07,961 live at the comedy store Because then when you do, live at the comedy store they're actually fun. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 385 live at the comedy store 00:22:08,002 --> 00:22:09,671 live at the comedy store 'Cause when drugs live at the comedy store are a part of your life, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 386 live at the comedy store 00:22:09,712 --> 00:22:12,632 live at the comedy store they're just another pain live at the comedy store in the ass in your life. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 387 live at the comedy store 00:22:12,674 --> 00:22:15,718 live at the comedy store It's just a, ugh, my drugs suck. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 388 live at the comedy store 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,762 live at the comedy store I don't want to have live at the comedy store that problem. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 389 live at the comedy store 00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:21,975 live at the comedy store I always want to be that person live at the comedy store where it's a new thing, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 390 live at the comedy store 00:22:22,016 --> 00:22:23,226 live at the comedy store somebody's like, live at the comedy store hey, you wanna try this? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 391 live at the comedy store 00:22:23,268 --> 00:22:24,811 live at the comedy store And I'm like, oh! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 392 live at the comedy store 00:22:24,853 --> 00:22:26,896 live at the comedy store I don't know if I should. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 393 live at the comedy store 00:22:26,938 --> 00:22:29,232 live at the comedy store This is crazy. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 394 live at the comedy store 00:22:29,274 --> 00:22:31,109 live at the comedy store I don't even know live at the comedy store how I'm gonna do it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 395 live at the comedy store 00:22:31,151 --> 00:22:32,944 live at the comedy store I mean, what is this? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 396 live at the comedy store 00:22:36,739 --> 00:22:39,242 live at the comedy store Anyway, I got- live at the comedy store My friend had the little vape- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 397 live at the comedy store 00:22:39,243 --> 00:22:39,617 live at the comedy store I'm a little worried, honestly, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 398 live at the comedy store 00:22:39,618 --> 00:22:41,412 live at the comedy store by the young people live at the comedy store with the vaping live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 399 live at the comedy store 00:22:41,453 --> 00:22:45,665 live at the comedy store and they just do this live at the comedy store and then they just vape. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 400 live at the comedy store 00:22:45,707 --> 00:22:48,918 live at the comedy store And they just stand live at the comedy store on the corner and puff live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 401 live at the comedy store 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,547 live at the comedy store and look at the fucking thing live at the comedy store and I miss-I miss you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 402 live at the comedy store 00:22:51,589 --> 00:22:53,465 live at the comedy store That's what it is, live at the comedy store I miss you people, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 403 live at the comedy store 00:22:53,507 --> 00:22:55,551 live at the comedy store 'cause you used live at the comedy store to stand around like this live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 404 live at the comedy store 00:22:55,593 --> 00:22:57,428 live at the comedy store and I get to go, live at the comedy store "I'd fuck that one, 405 00:22:57,469 --> 00:22:59,270 and that one's okay," live at the comedy store but now I don't even- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 406 live at the comedy store 00:22:59,305 --> 00:23:01,390 live at the comedy store I'm just looking at the top live at the comedy store of people's heads now. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 407 live at the comedy store 00:23:01,432 --> 00:23:04,225 live at the comedy store But I didn't realize live at the comedy store how, like, my friend- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 408 live at the comedy store 00:23:04,267 --> 00:23:05,276 live at the comedy store I have a younger friend live at the comedy store who vapes live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 409 live at the comedy store 00:23:05,311 --> 00:23:08,688 live at the comedy store and she told me it's just live at the comedy store to kinda, like, calm her. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 410 live at the comedy store 00:23:08,689 --> 00:23:09,439 live at the comedy store She's like, I barely feel it, live at the comedy store you know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 411 live at the comedy store 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:10,482 live at the comedy store Sometimes it helps me sleep. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 412 live at the comedy store 00:23:10,524 --> 00:23:13,193 live at the comedy store So one night, we're hanging out live at the comedy store and I'm like, I'm gonna go home live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 413 live at the comedy store 00:23:13,234 --> 00:23:14,819 live at the comedy store and go to sleep, live at the comedy store but I mean, I'll just try it, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 414 live at the comedy store 00:23:14,820 --> 00:23:15,445 live at the comedy store so I took one little tiny hit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 415 live at the comedy store 00:23:15,446 --> 00:23:18,657 live at the comedy store I was insane, live at the comedy store I was completely insane. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 416 live at the comedy store 00:23:19,699 --> 00:23:22,118 live at the comedy store I was in my house, I couldn't live at the comedy store even walk past a window, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 417 live at the comedy store 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:22,619 live at the comedy store I had to go under the windows, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 418 live at the comedy store 00:23:22,620 --> 00:23:26,457 live at the comedy store 'cause I was afraid of live at the comedy store the inside of my own brain. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 419 live at the comedy store 00:23:30,710 --> 00:23:32,795 live at the comedy store So I started texting people, live at the comedy store just being- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 420 live at the comedy store 00:23:32,837 --> 00:23:36,550 live at the comedy store Just texting, "I'm so high. live at the comedy store I'm so fucking high. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 421 live at the comedy store 00:23:36,592 --> 00:23:39,268 live at the comedy store I'm so high," and I texted, live at the comedy store you know, another friend. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 422 live at the comedy store 00:23:39,303 --> 00:23:44,057 live at the comedy store "I'm so high I want to suck the pot jizz out of my own dick 423 00:23:44,098 --> 00:23:45,183 and get higher." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 424 live at the comedy store 00:23:45,225 --> 00:23:46,225 live at the comedy store That's what I wrote. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 425 live at the comedy store 00:23:46,726 --> 00:23:48,853 live at the comedy store I'm not bragging, I'm just live at the comedy store telling you that's what I wrote. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 426 live at the comedy store 00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:50,230 live at the comedy store And I sent it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 427 live at the comedy store 00:23:52,023 --> 00:23:53,942 live at the comedy store And then later, I looked live at the comedy store at my text and I was, like, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 428 live at the comedy store 00:23:53,983 --> 00:23:56,736 live at the comedy store I think I might have sent that live at the comedy store to my 12-year-old daughter. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 429 live at the comedy store 00:23:56,778 --> 00:23:57,778 live at the comedy store I think it's possible. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 430 live at the comedy store 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,930 live at the comedy store And I didn't, live at the comedy store but I too easily could've. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 431 live at the comedy store 00:24:02,965 --> 00:24:05,621 live at the comedy store We need-Now my kids live at the comedy store are in my phone. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 432 live at the comedy store 00:24:05,663 --> 00:24:09,416 live at the comedy store There needs to be live at the comedy store some very reliable firewall live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 433 live at the comedy store 00:24:09,458 --> 00:24:13,920 live at the comedy store that says, these numbers live at the comedy store are much harder to text, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 434 live at the comedy store 00:24:13,962 --> 00:24:15,673 live at the comedy store that you can't just, whoops! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 435 live at the comedy store 00:24:15,714 --> 00:24:18,967 live at the comedy store Traumatized her irreversibly! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 436 live at the comedy store 00:24:20,427 --> 00:24:23,597 live at the comedy store That you can go, like, live at the comedy store to write to these numbers, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 437 live at the comedy store 00:24:23,639 --> 00:24:29,018 live at the comedy store I have to solve the Hellraiser live at the comedy store puzzle and I have to... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 438 live at the comedy store 00:24:29,060 --> 00:24:32,772 live at the comedy store There's two guys with the keys live at the comedy store in the opposite room live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 439 live at the comedy store 00:24:32,814 --> 00:24:34,358 live at the comedy store that turn them live at the comedy store at the same moment live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 440 live at the comedy store 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:35,734 live at the comedy store and there's a warning. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 441 live at the comedy store 00:24:38,111 --> 00:24:39,697 live at the comedy store "Are you sure you want to send this picture 442 00:24:39,738 --> 00:24:43,199 of your pubic hair" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 443 live at the comedy store 00:24:43,241 --> 00:24:44,660 live at the comedy store to your ex-wife's mother?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 444 live at the comedy store 00:24:46,370 --> 00:24:48,372 live at the comedy store That's how you want live at the comedy store to break the silence live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 445 live at the comedy store 00:24:48,414 --> 00:24:52,292 live at the comedy store of six years since the divorce. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 446 live at the comedy store 00:24:53,544 --> 00:24:54,544 live at the comedy store "This is my pubic hair. 447 00:24:54,545 --> 00:24:56,630 Look at all of my pubic hair." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 448 live at the comedy store 00:24:56,672 --> 00:24:59,257 live at the comedy store How have you been?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 449 live at the comedy store 00:25:05,681 --> 00:25:06,681 live at the comedy store I try to be a good dad, live at the comedy store but, you know, like- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 450 live at the comedy store 00:25:06,682 --> 00:25:10,059 live at the comedy store life just kinda takes off live at the comedy store and kids start, you know, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 451 live at the comedy store 00:25:10,101 --> 00:25:11,437 live at the comedy store they got their own ideas live at the comedy store and they're- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 452 live at the comedy store 00:25:11,478 --> 00:25:14,981 live at the comedy store My nine-year-old, she's just live at the comedy store figuring out about lying live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 453 live at the comedy store 00:25:14,982 --> 00:25:15,565 live at the comedy store and that's a tough thing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 454 live at the comedy store 00:25:15,566 --> 00:25:17,484 live at the comedy store It's hard to roll that one back, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 455 live at the comedy store 00:25:17,526 --> 00:25:23,407 live at the comedy store because lying is pretty live at the comedy store amazingly useful in life. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 456 live at the comedy store 00:25:23,449 --> 00:25:26,826 live at the comedy store It's like, how do you tell a kid live at the comedy store not to use a thing live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 457 live at the comedy store 00:25:26,868 --> 00:25:31,080 live at the comedy store that just solves every live at the comedy store possible problem, like magic? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 458 live at the comedy store 00:25:31,582 --> 00:25:32,624 live at the comedy store How do you... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 459 live at the comedy store 00:25:33,625 --> 00:25:35,419 live at the comedy store 'Cause that's why-Kids lie live at the comedy store 'cause they're in trouble. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 460 live at the comedy store 00:25:35,461 --> 00:25:37,671 live at the comedy store They lie 'cause they're in more live at the comedy store trouble than they can take, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 461 live at the comedy store 00:25:37,713 --> 00:25:39,964 live at the comedy store you know? live at the comedy store 'Cause kids... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 462 live at the comedy store 00:25:39,965 --> 00:25:40,715 live at the comedy store Nine-year-old, when live at the comedy store a nine-year-old lies, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 463 live at the comedy store 00:25:40,716 --> 00:25:45,094 live at the comedy store it's not for some weird live at the comedy store Machiavellian, you know... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 464 live at the comedy store 00:25:45,136 --> 00:25:46,929 live at the comedy store "Do you know what my teacher said about you? 465 00:25:46,930 --> 00:25:47,430 It was interesting." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 466 live at the comedy store 00:25:47,431 --> 00:25:51,017 live at the comedy store They don't just make shit up. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 467 live at the comedy store 00:25:51,352 --> 00:25:52,603 live at the comedy store They lie because live at the comedy store they're in trouble live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 468 live at the comedy store 00:25:52,644 --> 00:25:53,771 live at the comedy store and it's more than they can- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 469 live at the comedy store 00:25:53,812 --> 00:25:55,647 live at the comedy store 'Cause trouble live at the comedy store is too much for a kid. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 470 live at the comedy store 00:25:55,689 --> 00:25:57,775 live at the comedy store Trouble-For grown-ups, live at the comedy store we can take trouble. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 471 live at the comedy store 00:25:57,816 --> 00:26:01,110 live at the comedy store We don't care. live at the comedy store We just go, oh, I'm sorry. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 472 live at the comedy store 00:26:01,152 --> 00:26:02,571 live at the comedy store Oh, am I in trouble? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 473 live at the comedy store 00:26:02,613 --> 00:26:06,157 live at the comedy store Oh, whoops! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 474 live at the comedy store 00:26:06,199 --> 00:26:08,910 live at the comedy store We don't care. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 475 live at the comedy store 00:26:08,951 --> 00:26:12,080 live at the comedy store But to a little kid, trouble is live at the comedy store like this horrible... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 476 live at the comedy store 00:26:12,121 --> 00:26:14,290 live at the comedy store Did you take the chocolate? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 477 live at the comedy store 00:26:19,505 --> 00:26:23,174 live at the comedy store And she did and she doesn't know live at the comedy store how to handle it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 478 live at the comedy store 00:26:23,175 --> 00:26:23,341 live at the comedy store Did you- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 479 live at the comedy store 00:26:23,342 --> 00:26:25,386 live at the comedy store Did you take it? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 480 live at the comedy store 00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:32,058 live at the comedy store No. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 481 live at the comedy store 00:26:32,810 --> 00:26:35,479 live at the comedy store Well, all right, then, live at the comedy store have a nice day. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 482 live at the comedy store 00:26:44,153 --> 00:26:46,072 live at the comedy store How do you then tell her, live at the comedy store yeah, don't ever apply live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 483 live at the comedy store 00:26:46,114 --> 00:26:49,326 live at the comedy store that perfect solution again, live at the comedy store to terrifying things. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 484 live at the comedy store 00:26:51,745 --> 00:26:54,748 live at the comedy store Mark Twain once said, "A man live at the comedy store who always tells the truth live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 485 live at the comedy store 00:26:54,790 --> 00:26:57,459 live at the comedy store doesn't have to remember live at the comedy store what he said." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 486 live at the comedy store 00:26:57,501 --> 00:26:58,836 live at the comedy store And that's great. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 487 live at the comedy store 00:26:58,877 --> 00:27:01,839 live at the comedy store But Mark Twain also said, live at the comedy store "There once was a big black guy 488 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,341 named Nigger Jim." live at the comedy store So... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 489 live at the comedy store 00:27:05,342 --> 00:27:07,344 live at the comedy store I don't know if... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 490 live at the comedy store 00:27:07,386 --> 00:27:10,764 live at the comedy store ...a hundred percent live at the comedy store of the things he said live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 491 live at the comedy store 00:27:10,806 --> 00:27:12,599 live at the comedy store were perfectly awesome. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 492 live at the comedy store 00:27:18,187 --> 00:27:19,731 live at the comedy store Really, Mark? Nigger Jim, live at the comedy store you're gonna go with? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 493 live at the comedy store 00:27:19,773 --> 00:27:22,776 live at the comedy store That's the best you can do, live at the comedy store to name the- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 494 live at the comedy store 00:27:22,818 --> 00:27:25,571 live at the comedy store It's got kind of a nice ring live at the comedy store to it, Nigger Jim. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 495 live at the comedy store 00:27:25,612 --> 00:27:28,615 live at the comedy store Yeah, well, it's a little live at the comedy store on the nose, isn't it? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 496 live at the comedy store 00:27:31,117 --> 00:27:33,370 live at the comedy store Could've called him Black Mike, live at the comedy store I mean, just a little... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 497 live at the comedy store 00:27:34,455 --> 00:27:38,082 live at the comedy store Take it down one notch of the... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 498 live at the comedy store 00:27:38,124 --> 00:27:39,959 live at the comedy store Thanks for that, Mark. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 499 live at the comedy store 00:27:44,281 --> 00:27:45,824 live at the comedy store Anyway. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 500 live at the comedy store 00:27:45,866 --> 00:27:48,869 live at the comedy store So, while we're in this area... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 501 live at the comedy store 00:27:50,203 --> 00:27:51,872 live at the comedy store Now that I know live at the comedy store you guys are cool. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 502 live at the comedy store 00:27:51,913 --> 00:27:54,456 live at the comedy store No, no. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 503 live at the comedy store 00:27:54,498 --> 00:27:55,498 live at the comedy store No. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 504 live at the comedy store 00:28:01,672 --> 00:28:03,424 live at the comedy store No. Um... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 505 live at the comedy store 00:28:03,465 --> 00:28:04,508 live at the comedy store No, no. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 506 live at the comedy store 00:28:04,509 --> 00:28:04,758 live at the comedy store But, uh-but, uh... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 507 live at the comedy store 00:28:04,759 --> 00:28:06,177 live at the comedy store but... but... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 508 live at the comedy store 00:28:09,931 --> 00:28:10,931 live at the comedy store This is a story live at the comedy store that takes place- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 509 live at the comedy store 00:28:10,932 --> 00:28:13,018 live at the comedy store I'm gonna tell you this story, live at the comedy store it's kind of a messy story. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 510 live at the comedy store 00:28:13,059 --> 00:28:15,103 live at the comedy store It takes place over a lot live at the comedy store of years, 'cause it start- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 511 live at the comedy store 00:28:15,145 --> 00:28:17,856 live at the comedy store It started with my friend Mike, live at the comedy store who told me this story. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 512 live at the comedy store 00:28:17,898 --> 00:28:20,275 live at the comedy store This happened to him live at the comedy store back in the '90s. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 513 live at the comedy store 00:28:20,317 --> 00:28:24,070 live at the comedy store He was going home for Christmas live at the comedy store and he lives in Connecticut- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 514 live at the comedy store 00:28:24,112 --> 00:28:27,324 live at the comedy store He grew up in Connecticut live at the comedy store in some shitty shit town live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 515 live at the comedy store 00:28:27,365 --> 00:28:30,160 live at the comedy store in shitty, shitty Connecticut, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 516 live at the comedy store 00:28:30,201 --> 00:28:33,537 live at the comedy store and he didn't like going home. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 517 live at the comedy store 00:28:33,538 --> 00:28:34,204 live at the comedy store He's one of those people. live at the comedy store He came from a place- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 518 live at the comedy store 00:28:34,205 --> 00:28:36,582 live at the comedy store Doesn't like it anymore. live at the comedy store And he goes back- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 519 live at the comedy store 00:28:36,624 --> 00:28:38,500 live at the comedy store He doesn't know how live at the comedy store to handle his family, you know, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 520 live at the comedy store 00:28:38,542 --> 00:28:40,045 live at the comedy store and he came from a family live at the comedy store of white racists live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 521 live at the comedy store 00:28:40,086 --> 00:28:42,255 live at the comedy store and he doesn't like going home, live at the comedy store but it's still home, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 522 live at the comedy store 00:28:42,297 --> 00:28:44,382 live at the comedy store so he went home live at the comedy store for Christmas one year live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 523 live at the comedy store 00:28:45,424 --> 00:28:47,509 live at the comedy store and everybody's hanging out live at the comedy store during the day, talking, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 524 live at the comedy store 00:28:47,551 --> 00:28:49,637 live at the comedy store having lunch, live at the comedy store and his father and his brother live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 525 live at the comedy store 00:28:49,638 --> 00:28:50,137 live at the comedy store both work at this factory live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 526 live at the comedy store 00:28:50,138 --> 00:28:52,140 live at the comedy store and his brother's grousing live at the comedy store about his day at work live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 527 live at the comedy store 00:28:52,182 --> 00:28:54,642 live at the comedy store and he goes, "Yeah, live at the comedy store and then this fucking nigger live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 528 live at the comedy store 00:28:54,643 --> 00:28:55,225 live at the comedy store fell asleep at the forklift." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 529 live at the comedy store 00:28:55,226 --> 00:28:59,647 live at the comedy store And then my friend Mike heard live at the comedy store that and he went, "Oh, God. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 530 live at the comedy store 00:28:59,688 --> 00:29:01,316 live at the comedy store Why am I part of these people? live at the comedy store I hate this." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 531 live at the comedy store 00:29:01,358 --> 00:29:02,699 live at the comedy store And he felt bad. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 532 live at the comedy store 00:29:02,734 --> 00:29:05,611 live at the comedy store And then that night, live at the comedy store he's in the kitchen live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 533 live at the comedy store 00:29:05,653 --> 00:29:08,239 live at the comedy store and he's having a warm milk live at the comedy store or whatever and he... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 534 live at the comedy store 00:29:08,281 --> 00:29:10,033 live at the comedy store I don't know why that's- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 535 live at the comedy store 00:29:10,075 --> 00:29:12,202 live at the comedy store I don't know live at the comedy store why that's funny, but... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 536 live at the comedy store 00:29:12,243 --> 00:29:13,328 live at the comedy store What that says about him. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 537 live at the comedy store 00:29:13,370 --> 00:29:15,038 live at the comedy store Yeah, 'cause he's a pussy. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 538 live at the comedy store 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:16,671 live at the comedy store No. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 539 live at the comedy store 00:29:16,706 --> 00:29:19,458 live at the comedy store He's just sort of having live at the comedy store some time to himself live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 540 live at the comedy store 00:29:19,459 --> 00:29:20,209 live at the comedy store and his cousin comes downstairs, live at the comedy store who's staying- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 541 live at the comedy store 00:29:20,210 --> 00:29:22,461 live at the comedy store And his cousin, live at the comedy store he likes his cousin. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 542 live at the comedy store 00:29:22,503 --> 00:29:23,503 live at the comedy store That's the one person live at the comedy store he always felt connected with, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 543 live at the comedy store 00:29:24,005 --> 00:29:25,005 live at the comedy store and his cousin's like, live at the comedy store What's wrong, man? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 544 live at the comedy store 00:29:25,006 --> 00:29:27,384 live at the comedy store And he says, "Well, jeez, live at the comedy store I come home and I hoped live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 545 live at the comedy store 00:29:27,425 --> 00:29:29,094 live at the comedy store "that everything would be, you know, normal, 546 00:29:29,135 --> 00:29:31,888 but then, my brother says," live at the comedy store uhh, he's at the factory live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 547 live at the comedy store 00:29:31,930 --> 00:29:34,140 live at the comedy store and this nigger live at the comedy store fell asleep at the forklift." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 548 live at the comedy store 00:29:34,182 --> 00:29:35,976 live at the comedy store And his cousin goes, live at the comedy store "Oh, my God, 549 00:29:36,017 --> 00:29:38,186 the nigger fell asleep at the forklift?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 550 live at the comedy store 00:29:41,189 --> 00:29:42,732 live at the comedy store So this is the first part live at the comedy store of the story, okay? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 551 live at the comedy store 00:29:42,774 --> 00:29:44,699 live at the comedy store So Mike tells me that story live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 552 live at the comedy store 00:29:44,734 --> 00:29:47,737 live at the comedy store about how he's just not listened live at the comedy store to by anybody in his family, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 553 live at the comedy store 00:29:47,779 --> 00:29:51,699 live at the comedy store and then later on, I get live at the comedy store a job writing on a TV show live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 554 live at the comedy store 00:29:51,700 --> 00:29:51,907 live at the comedy store for Cedric the Entertainer. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 555 live at the comedy store 00:29:51,908 --> 00:29:55,661 live at the comedy store Great guy, and he had a show live at the comedy store and he hired a writing staff, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 556 live at the comedy store 00:29:55,696 --> 00:29:56,955 live at the comedy store half white writers, live at the comedy store half black writers. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 557 live at the comedy store 00:29:56,997 --> 00:29:59,165 live at the comedy store So at lunchtime, we talk live at the comedy store about race, it was just a- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 558 live at the comedy store 00:29:59,207 --> 00:30:02,584 live at the comedy store We'd have these provocative, live at the comedy store interesting conversations, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 559 live at the comedy store 00:30:02,626 --> 00:30:03,878 live at the comedy store trading notes about race, live at the comedy store the white writers live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 560 live at the comedy store 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:05,922 live at the comedy store and the black writers, live at the comedy store and I told that story. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 561 live at the comedy store 00:30:05,964 --> 00:30:07,257 live at the comedy store I told the whole thing live at the comedy store about the guy, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 562 live at the comedy store 00:30:07,298 --> 00:30:09,426 live at the comedy store Uhh, nigger and the forklift, live at the comedy store And then the cousin saying, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 563 live at the comedy store 00:30:09,467 --> 00:30:10,760 live at the comedy store "Uhh, the nigger at the forklift!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 564 live at the comedy store 00:30:10,802 --> 00:30:14,596 live at the comedy store And then one of the writers, live at the comedy store a black writer, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 565 live at the comedy store 00:30:14,597 --> 00:30:15,014 live at the comedy store he goes, "There's nothing worse live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 566 live at the comedy store 00:30:15,015 --> 00:30:17,767 live at the comedy store "than a nigger falling asleep at the forklift, 567 00:30:20,937 --> 00:30:23,398 making it harder for the rest of us." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 568 live at the comedy store 00:30:26,525 --> 00:30:28,278 live at the comedy store Still, nobody is quite hearing live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 569 live at the comedy store 00:30:28,319 --> 00:30:32,573 live at the comedy store what my friend live at the comedy store was going through. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 570 live at the comedy store 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,121 live at the comedy store And then, about a year later, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 571 live at the comedy store 00:30:38,163 --> 00:30:39,956 live at the comedy store I'm hanging out live at the comedy store with my friend Dino. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 572 live at the comedy store 00:30:39,998 --> 00:30:41,041 live at the comedy store Dino is Greek. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 573 live at the comedy store 00:30:41,082 --> 00:30:44,543 live at the comedy store He has no dog in the race, live at the comedy store he doesn't care either way. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 574 live at the comedy store 00:30:44,585 --> 00:30:46,004 live at the comedy store He's Greek. Greeks aren't live at the comedy store white or black, they're just- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 575 live at the comedy store 00:30:46,046 --> 00:30:48,214 live at the comedy store He's just got a big nose live at the comedy store and he just stands there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 576 live at the comedy store 00:30:52,969 --> 00:30:55,930 live at the comedy store And I told Dino the whole story, live at the comedy store I told him about the guy, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 577 live at the comedy store 00:30:55,972 --> 00:30:58,099 live at the comedy store Uhh, the forklift, live at the comedy store and the guy, "Uhh!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 578 live at the comedy store 00:30:58,141 --> 00:31:01,602 live at the comedy store And then the black writer- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 579 live at the comedy store 00:31:01,643 --> 00:31:04,230 live at the comedy store And then Dino says, "How do live at the comedy store you fall asleep at a forklift?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 580 live at the comedy store 00:31:14,991 --> 00:31:18,660 live at the comedy store My oldest daughter is gonna be live at the comedy store 13 next year, that's a big deal. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 581 live at the comedy store 00:31:18,661 --> 00:31:18,786 live at the comedy store That's a big deal. live at the comedy store That's- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 582 live at the comedy store 00:31:18,787 --> 00:31:20,789 live at the comedy store All the parents ahead of you live at the comedy store always go, like, yeah. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 583 live at the comedy store 00:31:20,830 --> 00:31:25,752 live at the comedy store Yeah, wait 'til she... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 584 live at the comedy store 00:31:25,794 --> 00:31:29,588 live at the comedy store That's when you... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 585 live at the comedy store 00:31:31,007 --> 00:31:32,342 live at the comedy store I'm not afraid live at the comedy store of her teenagehood. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 586 live at the comedy store 00:31:32,383 --> 00:31:33,885 live at the comedy store It's gonna be challenging live at the comedy store and difficult live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 587 live at the comedy store 00:31:33,927 --> 00:31:35,553 live at the comedy store and she'll meet live at the comedy store the challenges, you know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 588 live at the comedy store 00:31:36,595 --> 00:31:37,931 live at the comedy store I'm always proud of my kid. live at the comedy store She's a good kid. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 589 live at the comedy store 00:31:37,972 --> 00:31:39,808 live at the comedy store Now, some parents are really live at the comedy store afraid of their daughters. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 590 live at the comedy store 00:31:39,849 --> 00:31:43,061 live at the comedy store A lot of dads get scared, like, live at the comedy store I don't know what to do. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 591 live at the comedy store 00:31:43,103 --> 00:31:44,562 live at the comedy store I have this friend, live at the comedy store his daughter's 15, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 592 live at the comedy store 00:31:45,604 --> 00:31:46,815 live at the comedy store he's like, "She's gonna live at the comedy store start having sex! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 593 live at the comedy store 00:31:46,856 --> 00:31:48,817 live at the comedy store "I don't know what to do! 594 00:31:48,858 --> 00:31:51,528 She's gonna have sex, what do I do?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 595 live at the comedy store 00:31:51,569 --> 00:31:53,905 live at the comedy store I'm like, well, live at the comedy store you don't do anything. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 596 live at the comedy store 00:31:53,947 --> 00:31:56,199 live at the comedy store You don't have a role live at the comedy store in that at all. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 597 live at the comedy store 00:31:56,241 --> 00:31:58,993 live at the comedy store You're her father. live at the comedy store No role. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 598 live at the comedy store 00:31:59,035 --> 00:32:02,247 live at the comedy store Not supportive live at the comedy store or advisory, nothing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 599 live at the comedy store 00:32:05,208 --> 00:32:07,377 live at the comedy store "But what if she has a bad sexual experience?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 600 live at the comedy store 00:32:07,418 --> 00:32:10,296 live at the comedy store Oh, she's gonna have live at the comedy store a number of those. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 601 live at the comedy store 00:32:10,338 --> 00:32:12,715 live at the comedy store Oh, yes, she is. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 602 live at the comedy store 00:32:12,757 --> 00:32:14,300 live at the comedy store Her whole life live at the comedy store is gonna be just walking live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 603 live at the comedy store 00:32:14,342 --> 00:32:17,929 live at the comedy store through a blizzard of bad dicks, live at the comedy store just... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 604 live at the comedy store 00:32:19,430 --> 00:32:21,640 live at the comedy store Ow! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 605 live at the comedy store 00:32:21,682 --> 00:32:22,934 live at the comedy store Dicks, just- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 606 live at the comedy store 00:32:22,976 --> 00:32:24,727 live at the comedy store Jesus. live at the comedy store What the fuck? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 607 live at the comedy store 00:32:24,769 --> 00:32:25,854 live at the comedy store That was a big one. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 608 live at the comedy store 00:32:25,895 --> 00:32:27,981 live at the comedy store Holy fuck, I'm just live at the comedy store trying to get to work. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 609 live at the comedy store 00:32:40,285 --> 00:32:41,452 live at the comedy store The little one, live at the comedy store the nine-year-old, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 610 live at the comedy store 00:32:41,494 --> 00:32:42,669 live at the comedy store life's a little simpler. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 611 live at the comedy store 00:32:42,704 --> 00:32:45,582 live at the comedy store Tap dancing, she takes live at the comedy store tap dancing lessons. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 612 live at the comedy store 00:32:45,623 --> 00:32:48,209 live at the comedy store We started her with tap dancing, live at the comedy store because we figure live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 613 live at the comedy store 00:32:48,251 --> 00:32:51,004 live at the comedy store by the time she grows up, live at the comedy store it'll be the 1930s again, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 614 live at the comedy store 00:32:51,045 --> 00:32:52,630 live at the comedy store and, uh, yeah. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 615 live at the comedy store 00:32:53,672 --> 00:32:54,966 live at the comedy store She'll have this thing live at the comedy store she can do live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 616 live at the comedy store 00:32:55,008 --> 00:32:57,093 live at the comedy store that nobody enjoys watching. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 617 live at the comedy store 00:32:58,386 --> 00:33:00,388 live at the comedy store Do you know who the audience is live at the comedy store for tap dancing? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 618 live at the comedy store 00:33:00,430 --> 00:33:03,016 live at the comedy store The parents of live at the comedy store tap dancing students. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 619 live at the comedy store 00:33:03,057 --> 00:33:04,851 live at the comedy store That's all of it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 620 live at the comedy store 00:33:04,893 --> 00:33:06,144 live at the comedy store 'Cause we all have live at the comedy store to go to the show live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 621 live at the comedy store 00:33:06,186 --> 00:33:09,522 live at the comedy store at the end of live at the comedy store the tap dancing semester, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 622 live at the comedy store 00:33:09,564 --> 00:33:11,191 live at the comedy store and they have a big theater show live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 623 live at the comedy store 00:33:11,232 --> 00:33:12,567 live at the comedy store and all the kids get up there, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 624 live at the comedy store 00:33:12,609 --> 00:33:15,320 live at the comedy store they all tap dance live at the comedy store in groups of threes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 625 live at the comedy store 00:33:15,361 --> 00:33:18,198 live at the comedy store There's about 6,000 kids. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 626 live at the comedy store 00:33:18,239 --> 00:33:20,700 live at the comedy store They do about 20 minutes each. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 627 live at the comedy store 00:33:20,742 --> 00:33:23,453 live at the comedy store So the show's about live at the comedy store seven months long, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 628 live at the comedy store 00:33:23,494 --> 00:33:26,623 live at the comedy store and everybody dies at the end. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 629 live at the comedy store 00:33:26,664 --> 00:33:28,625 live at the comedy store But you go because you want live at the comedy store to see your kid tap dance, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 630 live at the comedy store 00:33:28,666 --> 00:33:30,460 live at the comedy store 'cause that's an amazing thing, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 631 live at the comedy store 00:33:30,501 --> 00:33:33,630 live at the comedy store 'cause this was a baby, live at the comedy store she was just a baby. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 632 live at the comedy store 00:33:33,671 --> 00:33:35,256 live at the comedy store She was just like... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 633 live at the comedy store 00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:38,134 live at the comedy store That's it. live at the comedy store And now she's going like this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 634 live at the comedy store 00:33:40,553 --> 00:33:42,305 live at the comedy store It's amazing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 635 live at the comedy store 00:33:42,347 --> 00:33:44,641 live at the comedy store But you gotta watch live at the comedy store all those other kids live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 636 live at the comedy store 00:33:44,682 --> 00:33:46,392 live at the comedy store that you don't love at all. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 637 live at the comedy store 00:33:48,853 --> 00:33:50,939 live at the comedy store And you gotta watch people, live at the comedy store grown-ups do it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 638 live at the comedy store 00:33:50,980 --> 00:33:52,190 live at the comedy store There's grown-up- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 639 live at the comedy store 00:33:52,232 --> 00:33:54,192 live at the comedy store Adult students, live at the comedy store and they get up there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 640 live at the comedy store 00:33:54,234 --> 00:33:56,945 live at the comedy store Get off! live at the comedy store Nobody's here to see you! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 641 live at the comedy store 00:33:56,986 --> 00:33:58,112 live at the comedy store Nobody! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 642 live at the comedy store 00:33:58,154 --> 00:34:00,406 live at the comedy store Your parents are dead, live at the comedy store you're 52! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 643 live at the comedy store 00:34:03,076 --> 00:34:06,079 live at the comedy store Nobody came from work. live at the comedy store Nobody came from work. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 644 live at the comedy store 00:34:12,418 --> 00:34:16,256 live at the comedy store I take her every-every live at the comedy store Thursday to tap dancing live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 645 live at the comedy store 00:34:16,297 --> 00:34:19,884 live at the comedy store and we go up to the school and live at the comedy store she puts on her tap shoes live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 646 live at the comedy store 00:34:19,926 --> 00:34:21,427 live at the comedy store and she goes in the little room. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 647 live at the comedy store 00:34:21,469 --> 00:34:24,806 live at the comedy store I don't go in there, and she live at the comedy store tap dances and I wait outside, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 648 live at the comedy store 00:34:24,847 --> 00:34:28,017 live at the comedy store because it's 40 minutes, it's live at the comedy store not enough time to go anywhere. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 649 live at the comedy store 00:34:28,059 --> 00:34:31,562 live at the comedy store So I just sit there and listen live at the comedy store to... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 650 live at the comedy store 00:34:33,314 --> 00:34:35,316 live at the comedy store And then she comes out. live at the comedy store "I don't-I'm tired of this. 651 00:34:35,358 --> 00:34:36,401 I don't want to go anymore." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 652 live at the comedy store 00:34:36,442 --> 00:34:38,444 live at the comedy store Good, don't. live at the comedy store I don't want to bring you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 653 live at the comedy store 00:34:38,486 --> 00:34:41,489 live at the comedy store Quit. Quit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 654 live at the comedy store 00:34:41,531 --> 00:34:42,573 live at the comedy store I don't care. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 655 live at the comedy store 00:34:42,615 --> 00:34:44,867 live at the comedy store I don't push my kids live at the comedy store into this shit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 656 live at the comedy store 00:34:44,909 --> 00:34:46,202 live at the comedy store 'Cause you gotta do it, too. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 657 live at the comedy store 00:34:46,244 --> 00:34:48,204 live at the comedy store I don't wanna do it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 658 live at the comedy store 00:34:48,246 --> 00:34:50,039 live at the comedy store Daddy, I'm tired of soccer. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 659 live at the comedy store 00:34:50,081 --> 00:34:53,209 live at the comedy store Soccer is out of our lives live at the comedy store forever, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 660 live at the comedy store 00:34:53,251 --> 00:34:56,254 live at the comedy store with those words live at the comedy store from thine mouth. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 661 live at the comedy store 00:34:56,296 --> 00:34:58,006 live at the comedy store Soccer is gone. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 662 live at the comedy store 00:34:58,047 --> 00:34:59,507 live at the comedy store I don't care- live at the comedy store Don't go to school, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 663 live at the comedy store 00:34:59,549 --> 00:35:01,301 live at the comedy store I don't want to get up at 7:00. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 664 live at the comedy store 00:35:02,635 --> 00:35:05,263 live at the comedy store Don't do any of this shit, live at the comedy store honey. I don't care. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 665 live at the comedy store 00:35:05,305 --> 00:35:08,474 live at the comedy store I have money, just eat live at the comedy store the food in the house. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 666 live at the comedy store 00:35:09,309 --> 00:35:10,309 live at the comedy store Stay home and eat. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 667 live at the comedy store 00:35:12,145 --> 00:35:13,563 live at the comedy store You and your sister, live at the comedy store don't have kids, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 668 live at the comedy store 00:35:13,604 --> 00:35:15,815 live at the comedy store I can cover all of us live at the comedy store and then we all die. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 669 live at the comedy store 00:35:22,740 --> 00:35:23,740 live at the comedy store That's my goal. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 670 live at the comedy store 00:35:23,741 --> 00:35:26,826 live at the comedy store I want to make enough money live at the comedy store that we can just lock the door live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 671 live at the comedy store 00:35:26,868 --> 00:35:28,494 live at the comedy store and eat the food. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 672 live at the comedy store 00:35:28,536 --> 00:35:29,536 live at the comedy store That's it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 673 live at the comedy store 00:35:31,372 --> 00:35:32,623 live at the comedy store "Daddy, what are we doing today?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 674 live at the comedy store 00:35:32,665 --> 00:35:35,251 live at the comedy store Go to the food room and pick live at the comedy store something out and go to bed. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 675 live at the comedy store 00:35:37,337 --> 00:35:39,172 live at the comedy store That's all live at the comedy store that's required of you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 676 live at the comedy store 00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:43,843 live at the comedy store People-People overthink live at the comedy store this life shit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 677 live at the comedy store 00:35:43,885 --> 00:35:45,636 live at the comedy store People get all knotted up. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 678 live at the comedy store 00:35:45,678 --> 00:35:47,972 live at the comedy store "I don't know what to do with my life. 679 00:35:48,014 --> 00:35:51,142 Like, I don't know, like," live at the comedy store what I should be, or, like... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 680 live at the comedy store 00:35:51,184 --> 00:35:53,519 live at the comedy store "I don't know, it's like... 681 00:35:53,561 --> 00:35:55,563 What should I, like, do? 682 00:35:55,605 --> 00:35:58,566 With my- With, like, my life?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 683 live at the comedy store 00:36:00,568 --> 00:36:03,196 live at the comedy store Just get food live at the comedy store and put it in the- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 684 live at the comedy store 00:36:03,237 --> 00:36:05,114 live at the comedy store Put food in here. live at the comedy store That's it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 685 live at the comedy store 00:36:05,156 --> 00:36:06,949 live at the comedy store Put food in here. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 686 live at the comedy store 00:36:06,991 --> 00:36:09,668 live at the comedy store Walk around and look for food. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 687 live at the comedy store 00:36:09,703 --> 00:36:13,164 live at the comedy store And anytime you see live at the comedy store any food, put it in here. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 688 live at the comedy store 00:36:13,206 --> 00:36:16,417 live at the comedy store Just take it and put it in here. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 689 live at the comedy store 00:36:16,459 --> 00:36:18,086 live at the comedy store Later, when you feel pressure, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 690 live at the comedy store 00:36:18,127 --> 00:36:21,381 live at the comedy store shit out the shit in there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 691 live at the comedy store 00:36:22,423 --> 00:36:23,508 live at the comedy store That's it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 692 live at the comedy store 00:36:23,549 --> 00:36:25,468 live at the comedy store If anybody tries to stop you live at the comedy store from doing either of those, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 693 live at the comedy store 00:36:25,510 --> 00:36:26,969 live at the comedy store murder them. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 694 live at the comedy store 00:36:31,641 --> 00:36:32,892 live at the comedy store That's it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 695 live at the comedy store 00:36:34,143 --> 00:36:36,145 live at the comedy store Doesn't have to be live at the comedy store any more complicated. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 696 live at the comedy store 00:36:37,021 --> 00:36:38,898 live at the comedy store Do it 'til you're died- live at the comedy store 'til you're dead. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 697 live at the comedy store 00:36:38,940 --> 00:36:40,900 live at the comedy store 'Til you're dead, died, dead. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 698 live at the comedy store 00:36:42,861 --> 00:36:43,861 live at the comedy store I don't know how long live at the comedy store I'm gonna live, I have no idea. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 699 live at the comedy store 00:36:43,862 --> 00:36:46,572 live at the comedy store You don't really ever get live at the comedy store to find out. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 700 live at the comedy store 00:36:49,909 --> 00:36:52,495 live at the comedy store You never get to go, live at the comedy store okay, I'm dead, so, 80. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 701 live at the comedy store 00:36:54,247 --> 00:36:55,498 live at the comedy store You don't ever get live at the comedy store to have that thought. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 702 live at the comedy store 00:36:55,540 --> 00:36:57,500 live at the comedy store This is it. You get to go, live at the comedy store This is probably it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 703 live at the comedy store 00:36:57,542 --> 00:36:59,293 live at the comedy store That's your last thought. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 704 live at the comedy store 00:36:59,335 --> 00:37:02,171 live at the comedy store "This is probably it right here." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 705 live at the comedy store 00:37:05,091 --> 00:37:07,385 live at the comedy store Yeah, well, we're all live at the comedy store gonna die at some point. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 706 live at the comedy store 00:37:07,386 --> 00:37:07,885 live at the comedy store It's true, man. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 707 live at the comedy store 00:37:07,886 --> 00:37:09,929 live at the comedy store And you find out at some point- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 708 live at the comedy store 00:37:09,971 --> 00:37:11,305 live at the comedy store It's an interesting thing live at the comedy store about human beings, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 709 live at the comedy store 00:37:11,347 --> 00:37:13,433 live at the comedy store that we live with the knowledge live at the comedy store that we're gonna die. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 710 live at the comedy store 00:37:13,474 --> 00:37:16,102 live at the comedy store I found out when I was seven live at the comedy store that everybody dies. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 711 live at the comedy store 00:37:16,144 --> 00:37:18,083 live at the comedy store My grandfather told me. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 712 live at the comedy store 00:37:18,118 --> 00:37:20,022 live at the comedy store He said, "Everybody dies!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 713 live at the comedy store 00:37:21,524 --> 00:37:23,401 live at the comedy store I wasn't even talking to him. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 714 live at the comedy store 00:37:28,114 --> 00:37:30,199 live at the comedy store I was just trying live at the comedy store to blow out the candles. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 715 live at the comedy store 00:37:42,044 --> 00:37:45,131 live at the comedy store And I was seven years old when live at the comedy store I found out that everybody dies. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 716 live at the comedy store 00:37:45,173 --> 00:37:47,592 live at the comedy store And I was excited, live at the comedy store not 'cause everybody dies, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 717 live at the comedy store 00:37:47,593 --> 00:37:47,884 live at the comedy store but 'cause I knew it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 718 live at the comedy store 00:37:47,885 --> 00:37:50,678 live at the comedy store I was excited 'cause I knew live at the comedy store I was young to know live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 719 live at the comedy store 00:37:50,679 --> 00:37:50,803 live at the comedy store that everybody dies. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 720 live at the comedy store 00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:53,473 live at the comedy store I knew that most of my friends live at the comedy store didn't know and I thought, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 721 live at the comedy store 00:37:53,514 --> 00:37:55,141 live at the comedy store I'm gonna tell them. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 722 live at the comedy store 00:37:55,183 --> 00:37:57,977 live at the comedy store I want to be the one live at the comedy store that tells everybody. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 723 live at the comedy store 00:37:58,019 --> 00:37:59,708 live at the comedy store I especially live at the comedy store wanted to tell Benjy, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 724 live at the comedy store 00:37:59,743 --> 00:38:01,397 live at the comedy store this kid across the street live at the comedy store from me. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 725 live at the comedy store 00:38:01,439 --> 00:38:03,024 live at the comedy store There was this kid Benjy, live at the comedy store he lived-I didn't- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 726 live at the comedy store 00:38:03,065 --> 00:38:04,525 live at the comedy store He wasn't my friend. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 727 live at the comedy store 00:38:04,567 --> 00:38:05,903 live at the comedy store I was seven and he was six, live at the comedy store but if I ever came out live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 728 live at the comedy store 00:38:05,944 --> 00:38:08,070 live at the comedy store in my front yard, live at the comedy store he would come out live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 729 live at the comedy store 00:38:08,112 --> 00:38:10,239 live at the comedy store and I'd be like, ugh, live at the comedy store here he comes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 730 live at the comedy store 00:38:11,657 --> 00:38:13,451 live at the comedy store Just hated him. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 731 live at the comedy store 00:38:13,493 --> 00:38:15,495 live at the comedy store Hated him. live at the comedy store First person I ever hated. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 732 live at the comedy store 00:38:15,536 --> 00:38:16,788 live at the comedy store Like, visceral hate. live at the comedy store He was- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 733 live at the comedy store 00:38:16,830 --> 00:38:21,083 live at the comedy store To me, he was a piece of shit live at the comedy store cocksucker asshole. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 734 live at the comedy store 00:38:21,125 --> 00:38:22,418 live at the comedy store That's what he was to me, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 735 live at the comedy store 00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:23,837 live at the comedy store and I didn't even know live at the comedy store any of those words. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 736 live at the comedy store 00:38:23,879 --> 00:38:27,006 live at the comedy store I just had that, live at the comedy store like, as a raw feeling live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 737 live at the comedy store 00:38:27,048 --> 00:38:29,550 live at the comedy store with no way to say it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 738 live at the comedy store 00:38:29,592 --> 00:38:32,178 live at the comedy store I was too young live at the comedy store for the feeling that I had, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 739 live at the comedy store 00:38:32,179 --> 00:38:32,720 live at the comedy store and then somebody- live at the comedy store I heard somebody say live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 740 live at the comedy store 00:38:32,721 --> 00:38:35,264 live at the comedy store "piece of shit cocksucker asshole, I was like," live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 741 live at the comedy store 00:38:35,306 --> 00:38:36,516 live at the comedy store that, yes, thank you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 742 live at the comedy store 00:38:36,557 --> 00:38:39,393 live at the comedy store That's what that- live at the comedy store Yes, that's how-Yes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 743 live at the comedy store 00:38:43,022 --> 00:38:44,357 live at the comedy store Anyway, one day live at the comedy store I was in my front yard live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 744 live at the comedy store 00:38:44,398 --> 00:38:46,442 live at the comedy store and piece of shit Benjy live at the comedy store comes across. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 745 live at the comedy store 00:38:47,861 --> 00:38:51,405 live at the comedy store And he says, "I got a new bike," live at the comedy store or something like that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 746 live at the comedy store 00:38:52,365 --> 00:38:55,535 live at the comedy store And I was like, uh, live at the comedy store You're gonna die someday. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 747 live at the comedy store 00:38:59,831 --> 00:39:03,668 live at the comedy store And he was like, live at the comedy store What? No, I'm not. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 748 live at the comedy store 00:39:03,703 --> 00:39:05,211 live at the comedy store I said, "Yes, you are. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 749 live at the comedy store 00:39:05,253 --> 00:39:07,088 live at the comedy store "Everybody dies. 750 00:39:07,129 --> 00:39:11,300 You're gonna die" live at the comedy store and your mom's gonna die live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 751 live at the comedy store 00:39:11,342 --> 00:39:13,511 live at the comedy store "and your daddy's gonna die. 752 00:39:15,179 --> 00:39:16,179 In that order." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 753 live at the comedy store 00:39:19,893 --> 00:39:24,105 live at the comedy store He was really upset live at the comedy store and he starts running. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 754 live at the comedy store 00:39:24,146 --> 00:39:25,439 live at the comedy store It's still funny to me, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 755 live at the comedy store 00:39:25,481 --> 00:39:28,192 live at the comedy store it still makes me laugh, live at the comedy store 40 years later. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 756 live at the comedy store 00:39:28,234 --> 00:39:32,280 live at the comedy store I can still see it so clearly live at the comedy store and it still makes me laugh. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 757 live at the comedy store 00:39:32,321 --> 00:39:34,407 live at the comedy store Run, Benjy! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 758 live at the comedy store 00:39:35,491 --> 00:39:36,743 live at the comedy store You can't run live at the comedy store from this shit, bitch. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 759 live at the comedy store 00:39:39,245 --> 00:39:41,330 live at the comedy store It's gonna get you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 760 live at the comedy store 00:39:43,416 --> 00:39:45,334 live at the comedy store I wonder if he's dead. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 761 live at the comedy store 00:39:46,044 --> 00:39:47,044 live at the comedy store Anyway. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 762 live at the comedy store 00:39:47,045 --> 00:39:49,923 live at the comedy store So he came back with his mom, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 763 live at the comedy store 00:39:49,965 --> 00:39:52,759 live at the comedy store his mom is so angry, live at the comedy store and then I was scared. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 764 live at the comedy store 00:39:52,801 --> 00:39:56,554 live at the comedy store And his mom came over, live at the comedy store What did you say to him? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 765 live at the comedy store 00:39:56,596 --> 00:40:00,474 live at the comedy store And I said, "I just told him live at the comedy store that everybody dies." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 766 live at the comedy store 00:40:00,516 --> 00:40:04,186 live at the comedy store And she goes, "Well, live at the comedy store that's not necessarily true." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 767 live at the comedy store 00:40:05,856 --> 00:40:08,649 live at the comedy store I was like, "What?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 768 live at the comedy store 00:40:08,691 --> 00:40:11,778 live at the comedy store She says, "Well, some people live at the comedy store die, but not everybody does." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 769 live at the comedy store 00:40:13,864 --> 00:40:15,866 live at the comedy store And I was so full of questions. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 770 live at the comedy store 00:40:15,907 --> 00:40:18,117 live at the comedy store I was like, what about- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 771 live at the comedy store 00:40:18,159 --> 00:40:21,454 live at the comedy store What about Abraham Lincoln and live at the comedy store George Washington, they're dead. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 772 live at the comedy store 00:40:21,495 --> 00:40:22,538 live at the comedy store But she said, "Yeah, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 773 live at the comedy store 00:40:22,539 --> 00:40:23,039 live at the comedy store "that's 'cause something happened to them. 774 00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,083 George Washington" live at the comedy store didn't take care of himself live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 775 live at the comedy store 00:40:25,751 --> 00:40:26,751 live at the comedy store "and Lincoln got shot, 776 00:40:26,752 --> 00:40:29,713 but there's a lot of people alive from those days." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 777 live at the comedy store 00:40:29,755 --> 00:40:31,965 live at the comedy store And I was like, really? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 778 live at the comedy store 00:40:32,007 --> 00:40:35,593 live at the comedy store What about, like, Bible people? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 779 live at the comedy store 00:40:35,635 --> 00:40:38,220 live at the comedy store And she's like, "Yeah, I- live at the comedy store We have to go." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 780 live at the comedy store 00:40:38,262 --> 00:40:40,098 live at the comedy store And then she left, live at the comedy store 'cause I think she realized, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 781 live at the comedy store 00:40:40,932 --> 00:40:41,932 live at the comedy store this is only gonna get worse. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 782 live at the comedy store 00:40:41,933 --> 00:40:45,519 live at the comedy store She's not on a good side live at the comedy store of this argument. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 783 live at the comedy store 00:40:49,048 --> 00:40:50,966 live at the comedy store And then I went to my mom live at the comedy store and I told her the whole thing, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 784 live at the comedy store 00:40:51,008 --> 00:40:52,008 live at the comedy store she's like, don't worry, live at the comedy store that lady's a fucking idiot, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 785 live at the comedy store 00:40:52,551 --> 00:40:53,802 live at the comedy store don't listen to her. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 786 live at the comedy store 00:40:56,597 --> 00:41:00,017 live at the comedy store My mom said, "Don't worry, baby, live at the comedy store you're definitely going to die." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 787 live at the comedy store 00:41:01,769 --> 00:41:02,895 live at the comedy store Mm-hmm. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 788 live at the comedy store 00:41:03,687 --> 00:41:05,064 live at the comedy store Mm-hmm. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 789 live at the comedy store 00:41:07,192 --> 00:41:10,027 live at the comedy store People from the Bible. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 790 live at the comedy store 00:41:10,361 --> 00:41:11,488 live at the comedy store I wonder if people in the Bible live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 791 live at the comedy store 00:41:11,529 --> 00:41:14,080 live at the comedy store knew they were gonna be live at the comedy store in the Bible. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 792 live at the comedy store 00:41:14,115 --> 00:41:17,494 live at the comedy store Like, "You guys, this is totally live at the comedy store gonna be in the Bible. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 793 live at the comedy store 00:41:17,535 --> 00:41:19,245 live at the comedy store "This is totally-You guys, 794 00:41:19,287 --> 00:41:22,748 we're gonna get in the Bible," live at the comedy store everybody. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 795 live at the comedy store 00:41:23,374 --> 00:41:27,586 live at the comedy store I gotta get my roots done live at the comedy store so I look good for the Bible." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 796 live at the comedy store 00:41:33,551 --> 00:41:35,553 live at the comedy store Yeah, my dog died recently. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 797 live at the comedy store 00:41:36,595 --> 00:41:38,013 live at the comedy store I had to tell the kids live at the comedy store that the dog is dead. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 798 live at the comedy store 00:41:38,055 --> 00:41:40,849 live at the comedy store That's a tough thing, telling live at the comedy store your kids that the dog died. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 799 live at the comedy store 00:41:40,891 --> 00:41:42,102 live at the comedy store You gotta tell 'em live at the comedy store at some point. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 800 live at the comedy store 00:41:42,143 --> 00:41:46,814 live at the comedy store You can't just keep going, live at the comedy store What? No, he's-Where'd he go? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 801 live at the comedy store 00:41:47,315 --> 00:41:50,443 live at the comedy store Oh, look, there he goes. live at the comedy store I don't know, he's- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 802 live at the comedy store 00:41:50,485 --> 00:41:52,570 live at the comedy store That little scamp. live at the comedy store There he goes, go get 'em. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 803 live at the comedy store 00:41:53,612 --> 00:41:54,905 live at the comedy store Go get 'em! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 804 live at the comedy store 00:41:57,616 --> 00:42:00,035 live at the comedy store Told my kids the dog died live at the comedy store and we dealt with it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 805 live at the comedy store 00:42:00,036 --> 00:42:00,160 live at the comedy store And I was proud of them live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 806 live at the comedy store 00:42:00,161 --> 00:42:02,746 live at the comedy store how they expressed live at the comedy store their feelings about it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 807 live at the comedy store 00:42:02,747 --> 00:42:03,205 live at the comedy store They cried. live at the comedy store I was proud of them live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 808 live at the comedy store 00:42:03,206 --> 00:42:04,332 live at the comedy store how they dealt live at the comedy store with their feelings live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 809 live at the comedy store 00:42:04,374 --> 00:42:06,543 live at the comedy store and what they said about live at the comedy store it and how they processed it live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 810 live at the comedy store 00:42:06,584 --> 00:42:08,961 live at the comedy store and I realized, this was live at the comedy store a positive thing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 811 live at the comedy store 00:42:09,002 --> 00:42:10,002 live at the comedy store That's how you start thinking live at the comedy store as a parent, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 812 live at the comedy store 00:42:10,629 --> 00:42:12,840 live at the comedy store a lot of things you don't think live at the comedy store would be positive really are, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 813 live at the comedy store 00:42:12,881 --> 00:42:15,968 live at the comedy store 'cause-'cause a dog dying live at the comedy store is an opportunity live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 814 live at the comedy store 00:42:16,009 --> 00:42:17,719 live at the comedy store to deal with death live at the comedy store with your kids. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 815 live at the comedy store 00:42:17,761 --> 00:42:19,847 live at the comedy store It's like a dry run for Grandma. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 816 live at the comedy store 00:42:21,014 --> 00:42:23,016 live at the comedy store It is, it is. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 817 live at the comedy store 00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:26,645 live at the comedy store Dog dies, you talk about it, live at the comedy store you deal with it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 818 live at the comedy store 00:42:26,687 --> 00:42:28,814 live at the comedy store Later on, you go, so, you know live at the comedy store all that stuff we talked about? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 819 live at the comedy store 00:42:28,815 --> 00:42:29,356 live at the comedy store About the dog? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 820 live at the comedy store 00:42:29,357 --> 00:42:31,442 live at the comedy store Yeah, so, Grandma now. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 821 live at the comedy store 00:42:34,571 --> 00:42:36,738 live at the comedy store Mm-hmm. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 822 live at the comedy store 00:42:37,990 --> 00:42:39,867 live at the comedy store All the same stuff. live at the comedy store That's right. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 823 live at the comedy store 00:42:40,701 --> 00:42:41,701 live at the comedy store All right, go brush your teeth. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 824 live at the comedy store 00:42:46,416 --> 00:42:48,667 live at the comedy store I had a dog when I was a kid live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 825 live at the comedy store 00:42:48,709 --> 00:42:51,795 live at the comedy store and he hated me, live at the comedy store and it really hurt. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 826 live at the comedy store 00:42:51,837 --> 00:42:53,506 live at the comedy store It's a true story, live at the comedy store my dog hated me and I- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 827 live at the comedy store 00:42:53,548 --> 00:42:55,508 live at the comedy store I wanted a dog so bad, live at the comedy store I was, like, ten years old, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 828 live at the comedy store 00:42:55,550 --> 00:42:57,385 live at the comedy store I used to beg my mother live at the comedy store for a dog live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 829 live at the comedy store 00:42:57,427 --> 00:43:00,012 live at the comedy store and she just would say, live at the comedy store like, you had one live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 830 live at the comedy store 00:43:00,053 --> 00:43:01,472 live at the comedy store when you were a baby live at the comedy store and it died, it's fine. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 831 live at the comedy store 00:43:01,514 --> 00:43:03,516 live at the comedy store But finally, she said, live at the comedy store you can have a dog live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 832 live at the comedy store 00:43:03,558 --> 00:43:05,435 live at the comedy store if you keep your room clean live at the comedy store for a month. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 833 live at the comedy store 00:43:05,476 --> 00:43:08,687 live at the comedy store And I was so excited, 'cause live at the comedy store I was, like, I'm getting a dog. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 834 live at the comedy store 00:43:08,688 --> 00:43:09,354 live at the comedy store I told all my friends, live at the comedy store I'm gonna get a dog. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 835 live at the comedy store 00:43:09,355 --> 00:43:11,566 live at the comedy store All I have to do is keep my room live at the comedy store clean for a month. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 836 live at the comedy store 00:43:11,608 --> 00:43:14,611 live at the comedy store I lasted about a week live at the comedy store and it just went to shit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 837 live at the comedy store 00:43:14,652 --> 00:43:17,988 live at the comedy store I couldn't do it and then live at the comedy store I tried, like, three, four days, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 838 live at the comedy store 00:43:17,989 --> 00:43:18,238 live at the comedy store I couldn't do it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 839 live at the comedy store 00:43:18,239 --> 00:43:20,824 live at the comedy store And I got so depressed. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 840 live at the comedy store 00:43:20,866 --> 00:43:22,701 live at the comedy store I was like, I'm ten live at the comedy store and I already know live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 841 live at the comedy store 00:43:22,743 --> 00:43:26,331 live at the comedy store my life is gonna be shit live at the comedy store 'cause I can't do anything. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 842 live at the comedy store 00:43:27,290 --> 00:43:29,125 live at the comedy store And finally, my mom live at the comedy store was like, just- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 843 live at the comedy store 00:43:29,167 --> 00:43:32,836 live at the comedy store We'll get the dog, you're live at the comedy store bumming everybody out. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 844 live at the comedy store 00:43:33,921 --> 00:43:35,131 live at the comedy store So she got us a dog. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 845 live at the comedy store 00:43:35,173 --> 00:43:37,675 live at the comedy store And the dog looked at me live at the comedy store and he hated me, on sight. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 846 live at the comedy store 00:43:38,717 --> 00:43:40,261 live at the comedy store And I worked hard live at the comedy store to take care of this dog. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 847 live at the comedy store 00:43:40,303 --> 00:43:43,847 live at the comedy store I was kind to him and he live at the comedy store still hated me, which hurt. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 848 live at the comedy store 00:43:43,848 --> 00:43:44,181 live at the comedy store That's why it hurt. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 849 live at the comedy store 00:43:44,182 --> 00:43:47,393 live at the comedy store 'Cause he must've just hated, live at the comedy store like, who I am inside. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 850 live at the comedy store 00:43:49,728 --> 00:43:51,189 live at the comedy store He-You could tell how he felt, live at the comedy store 'cause he was very expressive. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 851 live at the comedy store 00:43:51,231 --> 00:43:54,150 live at the comedy store He was a terrier, you know, live at the comedy store so he had eyebrows. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 852 live at the comedy store 00:43:54,192 --> 00:43:55,652 live at the comedy store Like, I'd walk in the room live at the comedy store and he'd go, like, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 853 live at the comedy store 00:43:55,693 --> 00:43:57,778 live at the comedy store oh, fuck, I can't. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 854 live at the comedy store 00:43:57,819 --> 00:43:58,819 live at the comedy store And he would just leave! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 855 live at the comedy store 00:44:03,660 --> 00:44:05,411 live at the comedy store I would take him for a walk live at the comedy store and I had to use a leash live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 856 live at the comedy store 00:44:05,453 --> 00:44:07,330 live at the comedy store and I didn't want live at the comedy store to use a leash. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 857 live at the comedy store 00:44:07,372 --> 00:44:10,791 live at the comedy store I wanted to be one of those live at the comedy store cool guys with a dog live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 858 live at the comedy store 00:44:10,832 --> 00:44:12,960 live at the comedy store that just comes along, live at the comedy store you know one of those guys. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 859 live at the comedy store 00:44:13,001 --> 00:44:15,421 live at the comedy store He's always got, like, a suede live at the comedy store jacket with patches in it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 860 live at the comedy store 00:44:15,463 --> 00:44:19,007 live at the comedy store And, like, scratchy hair, live at the comedy store he's like, hey. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 861 live at the comedy store 00:44:19,049 --> 00:44:20,385 live at the comedy store And he gets in his old pickup live at the comedy store and he's like, come on, dog. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 862 live at the comedy store 00:44:20,426 --> 00:44:21,469 live at the comedy store He goes, like- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 863 live at the comedy store 00:44:21,511 --> 00:44:23,513 live at the comedy store You know those guys that can live at the comedy store whistle that cool whistle? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 864 live at the comedy store 00:44:23,554 --> 00:44:25,265 live at the comedy store Whatever. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 865 live at the comedy store 00:44:25,306 --> 00:44:27,933 live at the comedy store Whew! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 866 live at the comedy store 00:44:27,975 --> 00:44:30,728 live at the comedy store And the dog jumps in the back live at the comedy store and they both get laid somewhere live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 867 live at the comedy store 00:44:31,770 --> 00:44:33,855 live at the comedy store because they're both so cool. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 868 live at the comedy store 00:44:33,897 --> 00:44:34,897 live at the comedy store That's what I wanted. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 869 live at the comedy store 00:44:39,195 --> 00:44:41,614 live at the comedy store But my dog, we'd go for a walk live at the comedy store and the leash was, like, taut, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 870 live at the comedy store 00:44:41,656 --> 00:44:44,950 live at the comedy store like this, it wasn't even like, live at the comedy store yeah, we're friends. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 871 live at the comedy store 00:44:44,992 --> 00:44:48,204 live at the comedy store It was like, how far from live at the comedy store this kid can I get my face? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 872 live at the comedy store 00:44:48,246 --> 00:44:50,290 live at the comedy store He would be choking himself live at the comedy store the whole- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 873 live at the comedy store 00:44:50,331 --> 00:44:53,917 live at the comedy store "I hate you! 874 00:44:53,959 --> 00:44:55,961 I hate you!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 875 live at the comedy store 00:44:59,047 --> 00:45:00,383 live at the comedy store And if I ever, like, slipped live at the comedy store and dropped the leash, he- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 876 live at the comedy store 00:45:00,425 --> 00:45:03,219 live at the comedy store He was like, I'm not your dog. live at the comedy store He would just run. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 877 live at the comedy store 00:45:03,261 --> 00:45:07,055 live at the comedy store He would run like a slave, live at the comedy store he would just take off. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 878 live at the comedy store 00:45:11,269 --> 00:45:14,855 live at the comedy store That's how he ran. live at the comedy store It's an apt description. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 879 live at the comedy store 00:45:15,189 --> 00:45:16,274 live at the comedy store That's how he ran. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 880 live at the comedy store 00:45:16,316 --> 00:45:18,401 live at the comedy store He didn't run like a deer. live at the comedy store This is how a deer... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 881 live at the comedy store 00:45:18,443 --> 00:45:21,069 live at the comedy store He ran like this. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 882 live at the comedy store 00:45:28,060 --> 00:45:29,645 live at the comedy store He ran away so many times live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 883 live at the comedy store 00:45:29,687 --> 00:45:30,938 live at the comedy store and then we'd get a call live at the comedy store from the pound. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 884 live at the comedy store 00:45:30,980 --> 00:45:32,488 live at the comedy store Hi, we have your dog. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 885 live at the comedy store 00:45:32,523 --> 00:45:33,941 live at the comedy store And you could hear my dog live at the comedy store in the background, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 886 live at the comedy store 00:45:33,983 --> 00:45:35,568 live at the comedy store like, "Don't- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 887 live at the comedy store 00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:39,361 live at the comedy store "Seriously? 888 00:45:39,989 --> 00:45:41,615 I told you I don't wanna..." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 889 live at the comedy store 00:45:44,660 --> 00:45:47,163 live at the comedy store I've never been live at the comedy store a big animal person. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 890 live at the comedy store 00:45:47,204 --> 00:45:48,748 live at the comedy store Some animals I hate. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 891 live at the comedy store 00:45:48,789 --> 00:45:53,293 live at the comedy store Uh, bats, I think bats live at the comedy store are just disgusting. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 892 live at the comedy store 00:45:53,294 --> 00:45:53,918 live at the comedy store I hate bats. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 893 live at the comedy store 00:45:53,919 --> 00:45:57,173 live at the comedy store I hate-It's a rat live at the comedy store with leather wings. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 894 live at the comedy store 00:45:57,214 --> 00:46:00,341 live at the comedy store You ever seen one and live at the comedy store they, like, look around? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 895 live at the comedy store 00:46:00,342 --> 00:46:01,050 live at the comedy store It's like, somebody, you know? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 896 live at the comedy store 00:46:01,051 --> 00:46:02,553 live at the comedy store They have a face. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 897 live at the comedy store 00:46:02,595 --> 00:46:04,221 live at the comedy store It's disgusting. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 898 live at the comedy store 00:46:04,889 --> 00:46:05,889 live at the comedy store I hate bats. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 899 live at the comedy store 00:46:05,890 --> 00:46:08,391 live at the comedy store And I'm sure there's live at the comedy store a whole thing of- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 900 live at the comedy store 00:46:08,392 --> 00:46:09,225 live at the comedy store Oh, did you know that bats live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 901 live at the comedy store 00:46:09,226 --> 00:46:13,313 live at the comedy store make all the French toast live at the comedy store in the world, or whatever? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 902 live at the comedy store 00:46:14,481 --> 00:46:15,481 live at the comedy store I don't care. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 903 live at the comedy store 00:46:17,860 --> 00:46:20,278 live at the comedy store I hate them. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 904 live at the comedy store 00:46:24,116 --> 00:46:27,410 live at the comedy store I had a bad bat experience. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 905 live at the comedy store 00:46:29,622 --> 00:46:31,165 live at the comedy store This summer, I was, uh- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 906 live at the comedy store 00:46:31,207 --> 00:46:32,541 live at the comedy store We rented a house this summer, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 907 live at the comedy store 00:46:32,583 --> 00:46:35,335 live at the comedy store I got a house for me live at the comedy store and the kids. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 908 live at the comedy store 00:46:35,376 --> 00:46:37,462 live at the comedy store My ex wife and I- live at the comedy store We share custody of the kids, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 909 live at the comedy store 00:46:37,463 --> 00:46:37,712 live at the comedy store and so this summer, I had half- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 910 live at the comedy store 00:46:37,713 --> 00:46:39,215 live at the comedy store One month they go with her, live at the comedy store one month with me, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 911 live at the comedy store 00:46:39,256 --> 00:46:40,716 live at the comedy store so I got a nice house live at the comedy store in the country live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 912 live at the comedy store 00:46:40,758 --> 00:46:42,176 live at the comedy store and it was beautiful, live at the comedy store the kids loved it, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 913 live at the comedy store 00:46:42,218 --> 00:46:45,221 live at the comedy store but the kids go to sleep live at the comedy store at, you know, 8:00 at night. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 914 live at the comedy store 00:46:45,262 --> 00:46:48,724 live at the comedy store So I'm just laying awake, live at the comedy store terrified. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 915 live at the comedy store 00:46:48,766 --> 00:46:50,267 live at the comedy store Terrified. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 916 live at the comedy store 00:46:50,643 --> 00:46:51,643 live at the comedy store I'm so scared in the country, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 917 live at the comedy store 00:46:51,644 --> 00:46:54,647 live at the comedy store 'cause it's just quiet live at the comedy store and it's just mystery. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 918 live at the comedy store 00:46:54,688 --> 00:46:57,191 live at the comedy store And trees and darkness. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 919 live at the comedy store 00:46:57,233 --> 00:46:59,777 live at the comedy store I live in New York City, live at the comedy store I feel perfectly safe there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 920 live at the comedy store 00:46:59,819 --> 00:47:04,657 live at the comedy store I'm surrounded by murderers live at the comedy store and child molesters and Jews. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 921 live at the comedy store 00:47:04,698 --> 00:47:07,408 live at the comedy store Sorry. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 922 live at the comedy store 00:47:07,409 --> 00:47:07,784 live at the comedy store I mean, there are, live at the comedy store there are a lot. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 923 live at the comedy store 00:47:07,785 --> 00:47:09,703 live at the comedy store There's a bunch of those, but... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 924 live at the comedy store 00:47:09,745 --> 00:47:11,205 live at the comedy store So... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 925 live at the comedy store 00:47:13,331 --> 00:47:15,416 live at the comedy store So one night, I'm in the country live at the comedy store house and I'm just laying- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 926 live at the comedy store 00:47:15,458 --> 00:47:17,545 live at the comedy store just laying awake, just begging live at the comedy store for the fucking sun to come up live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 927 live at the comedy store 00:47:17,586 --> 00:47:21,090 live at the comedy store so I can sleep through my days live at the comedy store with the kids. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 928 live at the comedy store 00:47:23,843 --> 00:47:25,261 live at the comedy store And I'm laying awake and I'm- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 929 live at the comedy store 00:47:25,302 --> 00:47:27,012 live at the comedy store My bedroom's live at the comedy store above the kitchen and I- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 930 live at the comedy store 00:47:27,054 --> 00:47:28,097 live at the comedy store Suddenly I hear this- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 931 live at the comedy store 00:47:28,138 --> 00:47:29,890 live at the comedy store I swear to God, I heard live at the comedy store this sound, I heard... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 932 live at the comedy store 00:47:33,978 --> 00:47:36,105 live at the comedy store I heard that, live at the comedy store like, clear as a bell. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 933 live at the comedy store 00:47:36,146 --> 00:47:37,898 live at the comedy store And immediately, live at the comedy store my heart is pounding. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 934 live at the comedy store 00:47:37,940 --> 00:47:40,109 live at the comedy store I'm like, I'm going to have live at the comedy store a heart attack right now, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 935 live at the comedy store 00:47:40,150 --> 00:47:43,612 live at the comedy store because there is a witch live at the comedy store in the kitchen. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 936 live at the comedy store 00:47:43,654 --> 00:47:45,281 live at the comedy store First of all, there are witches. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 937 live at the comedy store 00:47:45,322 --> 00:47:48,075 live at the comedy store I have no doubt, in that moment, live at the comedy store there's witches. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 938 live at the comedy store 00:47:48,117 --> 00:47:49,994 live at the comedy store That's how easy it was live at the comedy store to flip me over. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 939 live at the comedy store 00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:52,453 live at the comedy store There are witches. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 940 live at the comedy store 00:47:54,206 --> 00:47:57,501 live at the comedy store And there's one in the kitchen, live at the comedy store and I gotta go down there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 941 live at the comedy store 00:47:57,543 --> 00:47:59,920 live at the comedy store I gotta-I can't just, eh, live at the comedy store she'll get- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 942 live at the comedy store 00:47:59,955 --> 00:48:02,298 live at the comedy store They like kids, live at the comedy store she'll get the kids. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 943 live at the comedy store 00:48:03,048 --> 00:48:05,885 live at the comedy store So I go downstairs, live at the comedy store I'm terr-Terrified. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 944 live at the comedy store 00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,386 live at the comedy store And I'm standing live at the comedy store outside the kitchen door live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 945 live at the comedy store 00:48:08,428 --> 00:48:09,930 live at the comedy store like this, for like, an hour. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 946 live at the comedy store 00:48:09,972 --> 00:48:13,809 live at the comedy store Too scared to go in, until live at the comedy store a little bit of logic seeped in live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 947 live at the comedy store 00:48:13,851 --> 00:48:16,228 live at the comedy store and told me, even if live at the comedy store there is a witch in there, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 948 live at the comedy store 00:48:16,270 --> 00:48:17,646 live at the comedy store she wouldn't just make a noise live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 949 live at the comedy store 00:48:17,688 --> 00:48:20,107 live at the comedy store and then just stand there live at the comedy store for, like, an hour. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 950 live at the comedy store 00:48:21,817 --> 00:48:24,493 live at the comedy store So I go in, there's live at the comedy store nobody in the kitchen. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 951 live at the comedy store 00:48:24,528 --> 00:48:28,365 live at the comedy store And then I hear the noise again, live at the comedy store and it was the dishwasher. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 952 live at the comedy store 00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,660 live at the comedy store The dishwasher has weird tubes live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 953 live at the comedy store 00:48:31,702 --> 00:48:34,246 live at the comedy store and when the soap goes live at the comedy store through 'em, it's kind of vocal, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 954 live at the comedy store 00:48:34,288 --> 00:48:35,915 live at the comedy store I don't know why, but it goes... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 955 live at the comedy store 00:48:37,708 --> 00:48:41,503 live at the comedy store It was the weirdest thing, live at the comedy store to watch my dishwasher do it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 956 live at the comedy store 00:48:41,545 --> 00:48:43,923 live at the comedy store I was like, all right, live at the comedy store it's cool. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 957 live at the comedy store 00:48:43,964 --> 00:48:45,966 live at the comedy store I'm fine, there's no witches. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 958 live at the comedy store 00:48:47,259 --> 00:48:48,802 live at the comedy store I'm about to go upstairs, live at the comedy store and a- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 959 live at the comedy store 00:48:48,844 --> 00:48:52,556 live at the comedy store And a bat, a fucking asshole bat live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 960 live at the comedy store 00:48:52,598 --> 00:48:54,481 live at the comedy store picked that moment- live at the comedy store He's like, ha ha! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 961 live at the comedy store 00:48:54,516 --> 00:48:57,728 live at the comedy store And he just flew right- live at the comedy store right by my head, like this, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 962 live at the comedy store 00:48:57,770 --> 00:48:59,104 live at the comedy store and I just-I went, "Aaah!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 963 live at the comedy store 00:48:59,146 --> 00:49:01,774 live at the comedy store And I just fell on the floor. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 964 live at the comedy store 00:49:01,815 --> 00:49:03,400 live at the comedy store Aaah! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 965 live at the comedy store 00:49:04,860 --> 00:49:07,613 live at the comedy store And I immediately, live at the comedy store I crawl into the closet, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 966 live at the comedy store 00:49:07,655 --> 00:49:10,866 live at the comedy store I closed the door and live at the comedy store I called 911 right away. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 967 live at the comedy store 00:49:14,078 --> 00:49:15,078 live at the comedy store I don't know if you've live at the comedy store ever called 911 live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 968 live at the comedy store 00:49:15,079 --> 00:49:16,330 live at the comedy store and you don't realize live at the comedy store until they answer live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 969 live at the comedy store 00:49:16,372 --> 00:49:18,540 live at the comedy store how you shouldn't be live at the comedy store calling 911? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 970 live at the comedy store 00:49:20,084 --> 00:49:21,961 live at the comedy store 911, tell us your emergency. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 971 live at the comedy store 00:49:22,002 --> 00:49:25,839 live at the comedy store "I-I'm sorry, I'm very sorry to be bothering you. 972 00:49:25,881 --> 00:49:27,633 This doesn't qualify." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 973 live at the comedy store 00:49:29,259 --> 00:49:30,552 live at the comedy store The lady's like, live at the comedy store Sir, what's the problem? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 974 live at the comedy store 00:49:30,594 --> 00:49:34,472 live at the comedy store I said, "There's a bat live at the comedy store in my house. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 975 live at the comedy store 00:49:34,507 --> 00:49:35,507 live at the comedy store And I don't like it." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 976 live at the comedy store 00:49:38,978 --> 00:49:41,605 live at the comedy store But she was nice to me, live at the comedy store 'cause it's country 911. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 977 live at the comedy store 00:49:42,606 --> 00:49:44,149 live at the comedy store If you call 911 live at the comedy store in New York City, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 978 live at the comedy store 00:49:44,191 --> 00:49:45,234 live at the comedy store there's a bat in my house! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 979 live at the comedy store 00:49:45,275 --> 00:49:46,777 live at the comedy store They'll be like, "Sir, live at the comedy store we'll send a car right over live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 980 live at the comedy store 00:49:46,819 --> 00:49:48,320 live at the comedy store to shoot you in the face." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 981 live at the comedy store 00:49:51,365 --> 00:49:54,201 live at the comedy store But she was nice, she's like, live at the comedy store "Sir, we understand, 982 00:49:54,243 --> 00:49:56,537 you're divorced," live at the comedy store you're overcompensating live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 983 live at the comedy store 00:49:56,578 --> 00:49:58,080 live at the comedy store "with the country house. 984 00:49:58,122 --> 00:49:59,832 You're in over your head." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 985 live at the comedy store 00:50:02,001 --> 00:50:03,627 live at the comedy store She said, call this guy, live at the comedy store she gave me a number, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 986 live at the comedy store 00:50:03,669 --> 00:50:07,006 live at the comedy store she said, call this guy, he's live at the comedy store a guy who takes care of bats. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 987 live at the comedy store 00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:10,718 live at the comedy store He's a man who's, uh- live at the comedy store bats are his focus. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 988 live at the comedy store 00:50:10,759 --> 00:50:14,471 live at the comedy store I felt like she was doing a lot live at the comedy store of work to not say "bat man." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 989 live at the comedy store 00:50:14,513 --> 00:50:17,766 live at the comedy store Like she was kind of live at the comedy store going around... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 990 live at the comedy store 00:50:17,808 --> 00:50:21,186 live at the comedy store "He's a male human who bats are his... 991 00:50:21,228 --> 00:50:23,439 I'm not gonna say bat- I don't wanna say it." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 992 live at the comedy store 00:50:25,899 --> 00:50:27,818 live at the comedy store So I called the bat man... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 993 live at the comedy store 00:50:29,778 --> 00:50:30,821 live at the comedy store ...and he comes over live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 994 live at the comedy store 00:50:30,863 --> 00:50:33,240 live at the comedy store and I'm in the closet looking live at the comedy store through the crack, at- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 995 live at the comedy store 00:50:33,282 --> 00:50:34,992 live at the comedy store The bat is on the ceiling, live at the comedy store hanging upside down, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 996 live at the comedy store 00:50:35,034 --> 00:50:36,535 live at the comedy store he's just looking around. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 997 live at the comedy store 00:50:38,996 --> 00:50:41,582 live at the comedy store The most disgusting thing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 998 live at the comedy store 00:50:41,623 --> 00:50:44,043 live at the comedy store And so finally, there's live at the comedy store a knock at my door and I go, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 999 live at the comedy store 00:50:44,084 --> 00:50:48,547 live at the comedy store I crawl to the door and live at the comedy store I open it and he's like, hello. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1000 live at the comedy store 00:50:48,589 --> 00:50:50,841 live at the comedy store And he says, "Where's the bat?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1001 live at the comedy store 00:50:50,883 --> 00:50:53,093 live at the comedy store And I'm like, "Ehhh..." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1002 live at the comedy store 00:50:55,220 --> 00:50:58,098 live at the comedy store So the guy walks over live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1003 live at the comedy store 00:50:58,140 --> 00:51:00,809 live at the comedy store and he just takes the bat. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1004 live at the comedy store 00:51:04,313 --> 00:51:05,355 live at the comedy store That's it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1005 live at the comedy store 00:51:06,398 --> 00:51:07,983 live at the comedy store He just took it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1006 live at the comedy store 00:51:09,902 --> 00:51:11,236 live at the comedy store He's like, all right? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1007 live at the comedy store 00:51:12,821 --> 00:51:14,573 live at the comedy store Yeah, you pretty much nailed it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1008 live at the comedy store 00:51:15,908 --> 00:51:17,409 live at the comedy store That's amazing. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1009 live at the comedy store 00:51:18,660 --> 00:51:19,995 live at the comedy store It's like I called somebody live at the comedy store and said, "Help, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1010 live at the comedy store 00:51:20,037 --> 00:51:22,664 live at the comedy store there's a box of tissues live at the comedy store on my table!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1011 live at the comedy store 00:51:28,003 --> 00:51:29,838 live at the comedy store Oh, thank goodness. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1012 live at the comedy store 00:51:31,340 --> 00:51:33,801 live at the comedy store What a relief, to have live at the comedy store a man in the house. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1013 live at the comedy store 00:51:38,830 --> 00:51:39,916 live at the comedy store Would you like some sweet tea? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1014 live at the comedy store 00:51:42,417 --> 00:51:45,295 live at the comedy store I wasn't expecting company. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1015 live at the comedy store 00:51:45,337 --> 00:51:48,423 live at the comedy store Ooh, my robe fell open. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1016 live at the comedy store 00:51:48,465 --> 00:51:50,509 live at the comedy store He saw my breasts. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1017 live at the comedy store 00:51:50,968 --> 00:51:51,968 live at the comedy store Ooh. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1018 live at the comedy store 00:51:51,969 --> 00:51:53,930 live at the comedy store What do we do now? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1019 live at the comedy store 00:51:56,097 --> 00:51:57,097 live at the comedy store Mr. bat man? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1020 live at the comedy store 00:52:02,270 --> 00:52:05,857 live at the comedy store You know, I'm kind of grateful live at the comedy store to that bat now, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1021 live at the comedy store 00:52:05,899 --> 00:52:08,109 live at the comedy store now that you're going live at the comedy store to fuck me. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1022 live at the comedy store 00:52:14,032 --> 00:52:15,534 live at the comedy store You're not? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1023 live at the comedy store 00:52:17,869 --> 00:52:20,038 live at the comedy store Well, all right, live at the comedy store you can go, then. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1024 live at the comedy store 00:52:20,789 --> 00:52:22,457 live at the comedy store I can't- live at the comedy store I can't get out of it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1025 live at the comedy store 00:52:23,625 --> 00:52:24,668 live at the comedy store I'm sorry. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1026 live at the comedy store 00:52:28,380 --> 00:52:31,132 live at the comedy store I just like to keep doing that live at the comedy store 'til the laughter stops. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1027 live at the comedy store 00:52:32,509 --> 00:52:34,511 live at the comedy store Fuck, he's really- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1028 live at the comedy store 00:52:34,553 --> 00:52:36,388 live at the comedy store This is getting upsetting. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1029 live at the comedy store 00:52:36,429 --> 00:52:39,266 live at the comedy store What if I just did that live at the comedy store for, like, 40 minutes? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1030 live at the comedy store 00:52:39,307 --> 00:52:40,809 live at the comedy store Well, if you weren't live at the comedy store gonna help me, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1031 live at the comedy store 00:52:40,850 --> 00:52:42,435 live at the comedy store then why did you come over? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1032 live at the comedy store 00:52:45,230 --> 00:52:48,567 live at the comedy store I'm alone here all day and I live at the comedy store hardly can handle it anymore. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1033 live at the comedy store 00:52:50,735 --> 00:52:52,696 live at the comedy store All right, all right. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1034 live at the comedy store 00:52:52,737 --> 00:52:53,780 live at the comedy store So... live at the comedy store No, no. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1035 live at the comedy store 00:52:53,822 --> 00:52:55,323 live at the comedy store No, don't do that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1036 live at the comedy store 00:52:55,365 --> 00:52:56,658 live at the comedy store Don't do that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1037 live at the comedy store 00:52:58,911 --> 00:53:00,037 live at the comedy store I was, um... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1038 live at the comedy store 00:53:01,079 --> 00:53:02,999 live at the comedy store I was in New York one time, live at the comedy store I was on the subway platform live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1039 live at the comedy store 00:53:03,040 --> 00:53:08,378 live at the comedy store and I saw two rats, uh, live at the comedy store and they were fucking. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1040 live at the comedy store 00:53:08,420 --> 00:53:12,257 live at the comedy store And I never saw that before. live at the comedy store I'm like, oh, shit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1041 live at the comedy store 00:53:12,299 --> 00:53:14,551 live at the comedy store There's two rats live at the comedy store fucking right there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1042 live at the comedy store 00:53:14,593 --> 00:53:19,764 live at the comedy store And so I watched 'em, um, live at the comedy store 'cause you can watch rats fuck. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1043 live at the comedy store 00:53:19,806 --> 00:53:21,017 live at the comedy store It's not a big deal. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1044 live at the comedy store 00:53:21,058 --> 00:53:23,685 live at the comedy store You don't have to go, like... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1045 live at the comedy store 00:53:31,192 --> 00:53:33,278 live at the comedy store You can really just live at the comedy store totally just watch 'em. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1046 live at the comedy store 00:53:34,947 --> 00:53:38,116 live at the comedy store Hmm, I see. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1047 live at the comedy store 00:53:39,117 --> 00:53:41,453 live at the comedy store Anyway, I'm watching 'em, live at the comedy store I'm just curious. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1048 live at the comedy store 00:53:41,494 --> 00:53:44,623 live at the comedy store I mean, it wasn't... live at the comedy store surprising how they do it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1049 live at the comedy store 00:53:44,664 --> 00:53:47,292 live at the comedy store It's not like she's on top live at the comedy store going, mmm. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1050 live at the comedy store 00:53:48,752 --> 00:53:49,752 live at the comedy store Mmm. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1051 live at the comedy store 00:53:53,256 --> 00:53:55,092 live at the comedy store Mmm, mmm, mm. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1052 live at the comedy store 00:53:56,134 --> 00:53:57,469 live at the comedy store Thank you. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1053 live at the comedy store 00:53:57,510 --> 00:54:00,430 live at the comedy store I love it, I love it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1054 live at the comedy store 00:54:00,472 --> 00:54:01,806 live at the comedy store Ooh! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1055 live at the comedy store 00:54:01,848 --> 00:54:03,892 live at the comedy store I think this is a Japanese rat live at the comedy store I'm doing, I don't know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1056 live at the comedy store 00:54:03,927 --> 00:54:08,229 live at the comedy store "Ooh, it's so good to fuck you! 1057 00:54:08,271 --> 00:54:11,775 Ohh! Come on, Ricky, do me!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1058 live at the comedy store 00:54:11,816 --> 00:54:13,485 live at the comedy store I don't know, all right. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1059 live at the comedy store 00:54:14,319 --> 00:54:17,739 live at the comedy store Anyway, it wasn't live at the comedy store anything like that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1060 live at the comedy store 00:54:19,407 --> 00:54:21,242 live at the comedy store It was a pretty standard live at the comedy store rat fuck. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1061 live at the comedy store 00:54:22,327 --> 00:54:25,163 live at the comedy store Just, he's on top, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1062 live at the comedy store 00:54:25,205 --> 00:54:27,582 live at the comedy store kinda smushing her live at the comedy store into the pavement live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1063 live at the comedy store 00:54:27,624 --> 00:54:28,624 live at the comedy store and she's like... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1064 live at the comedy store 00:54:32,420 --> 00:54:35,548 live at the comedy store And I'm watching 'em, just- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1065 live at the comedy store 00:54:35,549 --> 00:54:36,091 live at the comedy store I mean, I didn't, like, live at the comedy store miss my train. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1066 live at the comedy store 00:54:36,092 --> 00:54:38,135 live at the comedy store Just, while I was there. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1067 live at the comedy store 00:54:39,095 --> 00:54:40,095 live at the comedy store 'Cause I was- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1068 live at the comedy store 00:54:40,096 --> 00:54:42,014 live at the comedy store I was curious. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1069 live at the comedy store 00:54:42,056 --> 00:54:45,266 live at the comedy store It didn't turn me on, live at the comedy store I was just curious. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1070 live at the comedy store 00:54:45,308 --> 00:54:47,310 live at the comedy store 'Cause I want to know, what is live at the comedy store it gonna be like when he comes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1071 live at the comedy store 00:54:47,352 --> 00:54:48,728 live at the comedy store That's what I wanted to know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1072 live at the comedy store 00:54:48,770 --> 00:54:50,897 live at the comedy store What is it like live at the comedy store when a rat comes? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1073 live at the comedy store 00:54:50,898 --> 00:54:51,022 live at the comedy store Is it, like, uh- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1074 live at the comedy store 00:54:51,023 --> 00:54:54,567 live at the comedy store Is it just a biological thing, live at the comedy store just a dispassionate, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1075 live at the comedy store 00:54:54,609 --> 00:54:56,112 live at the comedy store kinda just, meh! And then live at the comedy store he just goes home? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1076 live at the comedy store 00:54:56,153 --> 00:54:59,197 live at the comedy store Or is it like, live at the comedy store Yeah, fucking yeah! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1077 live at the comedy store 00:54:59,239 --> 00:55:02,200 live at the comedy store Is it like, "Aww..." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1078 live at the comedy store 00:55:02,242 --> 00:55:03,660 live at the comedy store Is it, you know? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1079 live at the comedy store 00:55:03,953 --> 00:55:07,622 live at the comedy store Is it ecstasy? live at the comedy store Is it an orgasm? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1080 live at the comedy store 00:55:08,958 --> 00:55:12,293 live at the comedy store I told that story live at the comedy store to a friend of mine. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1081 live at the comedy store 00:55:12,335 --> 00:55:14,546 live at the comedy store She was like, "Well, live at the comedy store what about the girl rat? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1082 live at the comedy store 00:55:15,089 --> 00:55:18,134 live at the comedy store "What about her orgasm? 1083 00:55:18,175 --> 00:55:24,431 Why didn't you empower her and wonder how she comes?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1084 live at the comedy store 00:55:24,472 --> 00:55:26,599 live at the comedy store What, are you crazy? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1085 live at the comedy store 00:55:26,641 --> 00:55:28,435 live at the comedy store Girl rats don't come. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1086 live at the comedy store 00:55:28,476 --> 00:55:30,980 live at the comedy store There's no way the girl gets live at the comedy store to come when rats fuck. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1087 live at the comedy store 00:55:31,021 --> 00:55:33,732 live at the comedy store First of all, he's not live at the comedy store gonna hold out for her. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1088 live at the comedy store 00:55:33,773 --> 00:55:35,192 live at the comedy store He's not that kinda dude, live at the comedy store you can tell. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1089 live at the comedy store 00:55:36,234 --> 00:55:37,277 live at the comedy store He didn't give a shit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1090 live at the comedy store 00:55:37,318 --> 00:55:39,487 live at the comedy store He's gonna fuck her and leave, live at the comedy store he doesn't even know her name. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1091 live at the comedy store 00:55:39,529 --> 00:55:41,573 live at the comedy store He's not sitting there live at the comedy store waiting for her and trying live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1092 live at the comedy store 00:55:41,614 --> 00:55:43,159 live at the comedy store to think of things to not come, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1093 live at the comedy store 00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:47,787 live at the comedy store like giant garbage bags with live at the comedy store no food in them or whatever. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1094 live at the comedy store 00:55:52,250 --> 00:55:54,836 live at the comedy store And even if he did, live at the comedy store she's on a subway platform live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1095 live at the comedy store 00:55:54,878 --> 00:55:55,886 live at the comedy store in front of people. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1096 live at the comedy store 00:55:55,921 --> 00:55:59,133 live at the comedy store She's not gonna be able live at the comedy store to get to that place, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1097 live at the comedy store 00:55:59,175 --> 00:56:05,889 live at the comedy store that inside place, live at the comedy store that girl rats need live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1098 live at the comedy store 00:56:05,924 --> 00:56:08,600 live at the comedy store to find their orgasm. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1099 live at the comedy store 00:56:11,644 --> 00:56:13,605 live at the comedy store 'Cause I know live at the comedy store what girl rats need. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1100 live at the comedy store 00:56:14,023 --> 00:56:16,108 live at the comedy store I know how to make live at the comedy store a girl rat come. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1101 live at the comedy store 00:56:18,027 --> 00:56:21,113 live at the comedy store I do, you just pick 'em up and live at the comedy store hold 'em upside down and just... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1102 live at the comedy store 00:56:46,180 --> 00:56:48,723 live at the comedy store Just to be clear, live at the comedy store what I was doing there... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1103 live at the comedy store 00:56:49,516 --> 00:56:51,434 live at the comedy store I just want to make sure live at the comedy store you know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1104 live at the comedy store 00:56:51,476 --> 00:56:53,478 live at the comedy store I spit in her mouth live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1105 live at the comedy store 00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:55,647 live at the comedy store while I played live at the comedy store with her little asshole. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1106 live at the comedy store 00:56:57,482 --> 00:56:58,901 live at the comedy store Don't judge her, live at the comedy store that's what she likes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1107 live at the comedy store 00:56:58,943 --> 00:57:00,945 live at the comedy store I did it for her. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1108 live at the comedy store 00:57:07,450 --> 00:57:09,161 live at the comedy store I was watching "The Wizard live at the comedy store of Oz" with my daughters and- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1109 live at the comedy store 00:57:12,455 --> 00:57:13,455 live at the comedy store I know that's- live at the comedy store I know that's, uh- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1110 live at the comedy store 00:57:15,583 --> 00:57:18,711 live at the comedy store That's a weird couple of stories live at the comedy store to put together. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1111 live at the comedy store 00:57:18,753 --> 00:57:22,507 live at the comedy store Fingering a rat's asshole live at the comedy store to orgasm live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1112 live at the comedy store 00:57:22,549 --> 00:57:25,885 live at the comedy store and watching "The Wizard of Oz" live at the comedy store with my daughters, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1113 live at the comedy store 00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:27,595 live at the comedy store but they happened live at the comedy store to have happened live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1114 live at the comedy store 00:57:27,637 --> 00:57:28,637 live at the comedy store one right after the other. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1115 live at the comedy store 00:57:32,309 --> 00:57:36,688 live at the comedy store Most things that I do, I do live at the comedy store right after I made a rat come. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1116 live at the comedy store 00:57:37,982 --> 00:57:40,608 live at the comedy store That's what I do at night. live at the comedy store It's my- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1117 live at the comedy store 00:57:40,650 --> 00:57:41,944 live at the comedy store It's the only way I try to help. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1118 live at the comedy store 00:57:43,028 --> 00:57:44,071 live at the comedy store All right. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1119 live at the comedy store 00:57:45,197 --> 00:57:47,448 live at the comedy store So I was... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1120 live at the comedy store 00:57:49,076 --> 00:57:53,621 live at the comedy store Let me just tell you this first. live at the comedy store I was, uh, I was at a place to- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1121 live at the comedy store 00:57:53,663 --> 00:57:54,915 live at the comedy store eating dinner in New York and live at the comedy store I heard these two women talking live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1122 live at the comedy store 00:57:54,957 --> 00:57:57,709 live at the comedy store and one of 'em is talking about live at the comedy store the guy she's dating. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1123 live at the comedy store 00:57:57,744 --> 00:58:00,461 live at the comedy store They were about 21 years old, live at the comedy store like, NYU students, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1124 live at the comedy store 00:58:00,462 --> 00:58:01,254 live at the comedy store and so she's talking about it live at the comedy store and, you know, a lot of times live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1125 live at the comedy store 00:58:01,255 --> 00:58:04,716 live at the comedy store I'll hear this, a woman talking live at the comedy store about the guy she's dating live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1126 live at the comedy store 00:58:04,757 --> 00:58:07,510 live at the comedy store and she runs down live at the comedy store the stuff that's not satisfying, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1127 live at the comedy store 00:58:07,552 --> 00:58:08,720 live at the comedy store the things she doesn't like. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1128 live at the comedy store 00:58:08,761 --> 00:58:10,388 live at the comedy store She's like, "He's just, live at the comedy store you know, I text him live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1129 live at the comedy store 00:58:10,430 --> 00:58:11,897 live at the comedy store "and he, like, he doesn't, like, respond right away 1130 00:58:11,932 --> 00:58:16,103 and then, when he does, it's" live at the comedy store like, whatever, so that's weird. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1131 live at the comedy store 00:58:16,145 --> 00:58:19,148 live at the comedy store "And then, like, I saw him and he's just being weird. 1132 00:58:19,189 --> 00:58:23,818 And so then he, like, calls me," live at the comedy store he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1133 live at the comedy store 00:58:23,860 --> 00:58:25,195 live at the comedy store "It's, like, weird, right now. And I was like, whatever. 1134 00:58:25,237 --> 00:58:28,908 And then we had sex. And it's just weird." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1135 live at the comedy store 00:58:28,949 --> 00:58:31,576 live at the comedy store And then I'm listening live at the comedy store 'cause I wanted to know, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1136 live at the comedy store 00:58:31,618 --> 00:58:32,660 live at the comedy store what is her friend gonna say? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1137 live at the comedy store 00:58:32,702 --> 00:58:33,702 live at the comedy store I want to know what kind of live at the comedy store friend she has, you know. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1138 live at the comedy store 00:58:34,412 --> 00:58:36,290 live at the comedy store And her friend just says, live at the comedy store "He's a piece of shit. 1139 00:58:36,332 --> 00:58:39,459 He's a piece of shit." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1140 live at the comedy store 00:58:39,500 --> 00:58:43,796 live at the comedy store "He's not good enough for you, 'cause you're amazing. 1141 00:58:43,838 --> 00:58:45,090 You're amazing." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1142 live at the comedy store 00:58:45,132 --> 00:58:50,720 live at the comedy store So he just can't handle live at the comedy store how amazing you are." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1143 live at the comedy store 00:58:50,762 --> 00:58:53,848 live at the comedy store And I remember thinking, live at the comedy store that is a shitty friend. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1144 live at the comedy store 00:58:53,890 --> 00:58:54,899 live at the comedy store That's not a good friend. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1145 live at the comedy store 00:58:54,934 --> 00:58:57,102 live at the comedy store That is not a good way live at the comedy store to approach life. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1146 live at the comedy store 00:58:57,144 --> 00:58:58,903 live at the comedy store "I'm amazing! 1147 00:58:58,938 --> 00:59:02,523 And anybody who doesn't" live at the comedy store text me back is just- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1148 live at the comedy store 00:59:02,565 --> 00:59:04,360 live at the comedy store can't handle live at the comedy store how amazing I am." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1149 live at the comedy store 00:59:04,401 --> 00:59:06,869 live at the comedy store I mean, she's a student. live at the comedy store She can't be- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1150 live at the comedy store 00:59:06,904 --> 00:59:11,658 live at the comedy store She's not Nelson Mandela, live at the comedy store she's in college. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1151 live at the comedy store 00:59:11,699 --> 00:59:13,534 live at the comedy store She-I'm sure she's fine, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1152 live at the comedy store 00:59:13,576 --> 00:59:17,538 live at the comedy store but you're amazing, live at the comedy store the way you... take classes. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1153 live at the comedy store 00:59:17,580 --> 00:59:20,541 live at the comedy store What is- live at the comedy store What is so amazing? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1154 live at the comedy store 00:59:20,583 --> 00:59:23,503 live at the comedy store She's kinda boring, he's kind of live at the comedy store a douche, so it's fine. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1155 live at the comedy store 00:59:23,544 --> 00:59:25,797 live at the comedy store They're fine. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1156 live at the comedy store 00:59:25,838 --> 00:59:27,548 live at the comedy store You need to know that live at the comedy store you're boring a little bit. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1157 live at the comedy store 00:59:27,590 --> 00:59:28,633 live at the comedy store It's important. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1158 live at the comedy store 00:59:28,675 --> 00:59:29,842 live at the comedy store Self love is a good thing, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1159 live at the comedy store 00:59:29,884 --> 00:59:32,137 live at the comedy store but self awareness live at the comedy store is more important. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1160 live at the comedy store 00:59:32,179 --> 00:59:35,598 live at the comedy store You need to, once in a while go, live at the comedy store oh, I'm kind of an asshole. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1161 live at the comedy store 00:59:35,640 --> 00:59:36,640 live at the comedy store You have to have live at the comedy store that thought once in a while, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1162 live at the comedy store 00:59:37,475 --> 00:59:39,602 live at the comedy store or you're a psychopath. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1163 live at the comedy store 00:59:39,603 --> 00:59:40,311 live at the comedy store You know like when you say live at the comedy store to a friend of yours, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1164 live at the comedy store 00:59:40,312 --> 00:59:42,398 live at the comedy store You're being an asshole live at the comedy store and they're like, "No, I'm not." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1165 live at the comedy store 00:59:42,439 --> 00:59:45,192 live at the comedy store Well, it's not up to you live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1166 live at the comedy store 00:59:45,234 --> 00:59:47,694 live at the comedy store if you're an asshole or not. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1167 live at the comedy store 00:59:47,735 --> 00:59:49,737 live at the comedy store That's up to everybody else. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1168 live at the comedy store 00:59:50,655 --> 00:59:51,907 live at the comedy store You don't get to say no to that. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1169 live at the comedy store 00:59:53,242 --> 00:59:55,827 live at the comedy store You're an asshole. live at the comedy store No, I'm not. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1170 live at the comedy store 00:59:55,868 --> 00:59:58,830 live at the comedy store "Oh, sorry, I thought- Okay, I'm glad I checked. 1171 00:59:58,871 --> 01:00:00,374 I guess you're not." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1172 live at the comedy store 01:00:00,416 --> 01:00:02,084 live at the comedy store If somebody tells you live at the comedy store you're an asshole, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1173 live at the comedy store 01:00:02,126 --> 01:00:04,044 live at the comedy store you should go, "Oh, shit." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1174 live at the comedy store 01:00:04,086 --> 01:00:07,006 live at the comedy store All right, what happened, live at the comedy store how did I get here? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1175 live at the comedy store 01:00:07,923 --> 01:00:08,966 live at the comedy store It's like somebody saying, live at the comedy store you know, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1176 live at the comedy store 01:00:09,008 --> 01:00:11,093 live at the comedy store "You got something on your face. ""No, I don't.""" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1177 live at the comedy store 01:00:13,012 --> 01:00:14,012 live at the comedy store It's like America- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1178 live at the comedy store 01:00:14,013 --> 01:00:18,308 live at the comedy store I feel like America is, like, live at the comedy store the world's worst girlfriend. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1179 live at the comedy store 01:00:18,350 --> 01:00:21,602 live at the comedy store America is like live at the comedy store a terrible girlfriend live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1180 live at the comedy store 01:00:21,644 --> 01:00:22,812 live at the comedy store to the rest of the world, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1181 live at the comedy store 01:00:22,813 --> 01:00:23,229 live at the comedy store 'cause when somebody live at the comedy store hurts America, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1182 live at the comedy store 01:00:23,230 --> 01:00:26,816 live at the comedy store she remembers it forever, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1183 live at the comedy store 01:00:26,858 --> 01:00:30,570 live at the comedy store but if she does anything bad, live at the comedy store it's like it- "What?" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1184 live at the comedy store 01:00:30,611 --> 01:00:32,156 live at the comedy store "It did- I didn't do anything." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1185 live at the comedy store 01:00:32,197 --> 01:00:34,908 live at the comedy store America, why do you keep live at the comedy store bombing those people in Yemen live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1186 live at the comedy store 01:00:34,950 --> 01:00:38,454 live at the comedy store and all these- live at the comedy store "Well, it's 'cause 9/11, okay? 1187 01:00:38,495 --> 01:00:44,667 9/11, so shut up, assholes." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1188 live at the comedy store 01:00:44,709 --> 01:00:46,669 live at the comedy store Okay, but you killed live at the comedy store hundreds of thousands of people, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1189 live at the comedy store 01:00:46,670 --> 01:00:47,462 live at the comedy store so I think you can- live at the comedy store "Yeah, no, but 9/11. 1190 01:00:47,463 --> 01:00:49,797 Fuck you." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1191 live at the comedy store 01:00:49,839 --> 01:00:51,632 live at the comedy store You don't even understand." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1192 live at the comedy store 01:00:52,217 --> 01:00:53,217 live at the comedy store Yeah, but you're live at the comedy store torturing people. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1193 live at the comedy store 01:00:53,218 --> 01:00:57,555 live at the comedy store "I-It wasn't even torture, oh, my God. 1194 01:00:58,806 --> 01:01:00,558 He's such a baby." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1195 live at the comedy store 01:01:00,600 --> 01:01:03,644 live at the comedy store I didn't even do anything live at the comedy store to him." live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1196 live at the comedy store 01:01:06,631 --> 01:01:07,716 live at the comedy store And... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1197 live at the comedy store 01:01:07,757 --> 01:01:09,676 live at the comedy store And I'm saying this about women live at the comedy store 'cause I'm a guy. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1198 live at the comedy store 01:01:09,718 --> 01:01:11,928 live at the comedy store Women might say this about- live at the comedy store that this is what guys are like. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1199 live at the comedy store 01:01:12,970 --> 01:01:14,221 live at the comedy store That's just what it's like, live at the comedy store you know, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1200 live at the comedy store 01:01:14,263 --> 01:01:16,349 live at the comedy store because I think racism live at the comedy store and sexism are very different. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1201 live at the comedy store 01:01:16,391 --> 01:01:18,518 live at the comedy store To me, racism is just a mistake. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1202 live at the comedy store 01:01:18,560 --> 01:01:19,811 live at the comedy store It's like, just an error. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1203 live at the comedy store 01:01:19,853 --> 01:01:21,480 live at the comedy store It doesn't really make live at the comedy store any sense, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1204 live at the comedy store 01:01:21,521 --> 01:01:26,025 live at the comedy store we can just do away with it, live at the comedy store but sexism isn't going anywhere, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1205 live at the comedy store 01:01:26,066 --> 01:01:30,739 live at the comedy store 'cause sexism is way deep live at the comedy store the fuck down inside, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1206 live at the comedy store 01:01:30,780 --> 01:01:32,741 live at the comedy store so it's just the way live at the comedy store we feel about each other. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1207 live at the comedy store 01:01:32,782 --> 01:01:34,826 live at the comedy store It's, "Ahh, women! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1208 live at the comedy store 01:01:34,868 --> 01:01:38,245 live at the comedy store "Women! Women! 1209 01:01:38,287 --> 01:01:39,956 Women!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1210 live at the comedy store 01:01:40,998 --> 01:01:42,667 live at the comedy store Women! Women!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1211 live at the comedy store 01:01:45,962 --> 01:01:46,962 live at the comedy store And you're like, "Men! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1212 live at the comedy store 01:01:46,963 --> 01:01:49,591 live at the comedy store "Men, men! Men! 1213 01:01:49,633 --> 01:01:52,092 Men!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1214 live at the comedy store 01:01:52,134 --> 01:01:54,596 live at the comedy store "Men! Men! 1215 01:01:54,638 --> 01:01:56,348 Men!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1216 live at the comedy store 01:02:02,521 --> 01:02:04,773 live at the comedy store Anyway, so I'm watching "The live at the comedy store Wizard of Oz" with my daughters. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1217 live at the comedy store 01:02:04,814 --> 01:02:06,733 live at the comedy store Is that enough of live at the comedy store a palate cleanser? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1218 live at the comedy store 01:02:06,775 --> 01:02:07,984 live at the comedy store All right. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1219 live at the comedy store 01:02:10,362 --> 01:02:12,948 live at the comedy store I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz," live at the comedy store I don't know if you've seen it, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1220 live at the comedy store 01:02:12,989 --> 01:02:15,951 live at the comedy store it's about a little girl live at the comedy store named Dorothy, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1221 live at the comedy store 01:02:15,992 --> 01:02:20,956 live at the comedy store a very sweet little girl played live at the comedy store by an alcoholic older lady, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1222 live at the comedy store 01:02:20,997 --> 01:02:23,290 live at the comedy store who, uh... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1223 live at the comedy store 01:02:23,750 --> 01:02:26,711 live at the comedy store Lives in Kansas, she has a dog, live at the comedy store she's very upset. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1224 live at the comedy store 01:02:26,753 --> 01:02:29,631 live at the comedy store And she keeps telling- live at the comedy store My dog! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1225 live at the comedy store 01:02:29,673 --> 01:02:32,926 live at the comedy store And everybody's like, live at the comedy store This is a farm. We're working. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1226 live at the comedy store 01:02:32,968 --> 01:02:34,267 live at the comedy store Leave us alone. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1227 live at the comedy store 01:02:34,302 --> 01:02:36,721 live at the comedy store And then there's a tornado live at the comedy store and they all run inside live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1228 live at the comedy store 01:02:36,763 --> 01:02:40,140 live at the comedy store and they barely look for her. live at the comedy store It's unbelievable. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1229 live at the comedy store 01:02:40,182 --> 01:02:43,060 live at the comedy store It was so upsetting to me when live at the comedy store I was a kid to see this movie, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1230 live at the comedy store 01:02:43,102 --> 01:02:44,604 live at the comedy store 'cause Auntie Em is like, live at the comedy store Dorothy! Okay, fuck it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1231 live at the comedy store 01:02:44,646 --> 01:02:47,189 live at the comedy store And she just goes right inside. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1232 live at the comedy store 01:02:47,231 --> 01:02:48,817 live at the comedy store Bolts the door. live at the comedy store Unbelievable. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1233 live at the comedy store 01:02:51,653 --> 01:02:53,286 live at the comedy store So Dorothy goes up to Oz. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1234 live at the comedy store 01:02:53,321 --> 01:02:54,781 live at the comedy store So here's the thing, I was live at the comedy store watching it the other night, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1235 live at the comedy store 01:02:54,823 --> 01:02:57,826 live at the comedy store and there's this one moment live at the comedy store that really stunned me. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1236 live at the comedy store 01:02:57,867 --> 01:03:00,537 live at the comedy store It's when Ray Bolger, live at the comedy store who played the Scarecrow, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1237 live at the comedy store 01:03:00,579 --> 01:03:02,831 live at the comedy store he just got ripped apart live at the comedy store by flying monkeys live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1238 live at the comedy store 01:03:02,872 --> 01:03:05,500 live at the comedy store and he's very upset live at the comedy store and he has this performance live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1239 live at the comedy store 01:03:05,542 --> 01:03:07,877 live at the comedy store that's way over the top, live at the comedy store even for this movie. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1240 live at the comedy store 01:03:07,919 --> 01:03:09,879 live at the comedy store Do you remember that moment? live at the comedy store The Tin Man comes over. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1241 live at the comedy store 01:03:09,921 --> 01:03:11,673 live at the comedy store What happened? live at the comedy store And he's like, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1242 live at the comedy store 01:03:11,708 --> 01:03:13,425 live at the comedy store "Well, first they tore my arms off 1243 01:03:13,466 --> 01:03:15,677 and they threw them over there!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1244 live at the comedy store 01:03:16,970 --> 01:03:21,474 live at the comedy store And then they tore my legs off live at the comedy store and they threw them over there!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1245 live at the comedy store 01:03:24,311 --> 01:03:26,771 live at the comedy store And I've seen this movie live at the comedy store a thousand times, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1246 live at the comedy store 01:03:26,813 --> 01:03:29,148 live at the comedy store but for some reason this time, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1247 live at the comedy store 01:03:29,189 --> 01:03:32,151 live at the comedy store that moment made me go, live at the comedy store Oh, shit! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1248 live at the comedy store 01:03:32,192 --> 01:03:33,192 live at the comedy store Ooh! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1249 live at the comedy store 01:03:34,111 --> 01:03:35,111 live at the comedy store That was a lot. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1250 live at the comedy store 01:03:37,032 --> 01:03:38,032 live at the comedy store And I started to wonder live at the comedy store if Victor Fleming, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1251 live at the comedy store 01:03:38,033 --> 01:03:39,784 live at the comedy store the guy who directed live at the comedy store The Wizard of Oz, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1252 live at the comedy store 01:03:39,826 --> 01:03:43,162 live at the comedy store if he had a moment during live at the comedy store the filming of the movie live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1253 live at the comedy store 01:03:43,203 --> 01:03:46,374 live at the comedy store where he was, like, I think live at the comedy store I gotta have a word with Ray, live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1254 live at the comedy store 01:03:46,416 --> 01:03:50,210 live at the comedy store 'cause that's getting live at the comedy store to be a lot. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1255 live at the comedy store 01:03:51,338 --> 01:03:52,338 live at the comedy store All right, let him- live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1256 live at the comedy store 01:03:52,339 --> 01:03:53,798 live at the comedy store Just let him do another one. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1257 live at the comedy store 01:03:53,840 --> 01:03:55,342 live at the comedy store Okay, action! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1258 live at the comedy store 01:03:55,383 --> 01:03:56,760 live at the comedy store What happened? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1259 live at the comedy store 01:03:56,801 --> 01:03:58,887 live at the comedy store "Well, first they tore my arms off 1260 01:03:58,928 --> 01:04:01,931 and they threw them over there!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1261 live at the comedy store 01:04:01,973 --> 01:04:04,476 live at the comedy store "And then they tore my legs off. 1262 01:04:04,517 --> 01:04:06,978 They threw them over there!" live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1263 live at the comedy store 01:04:09,271 --> 01:04:10,271 live at the comedy store Okay, cut! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1264 live at the comedy store 01:04:14,193 --> 01:04:15,193 live at the comedy store Comes over. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1265 live at the comedy store 01:04:15,904 --> 01:04:17,572 live at the comedy store Uh... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1266 live at the comedy store 01:04:17,614 --> 01:04:20,199 live at the comedy store So listen. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1267 live at the comedy store 01:04:20,200 --> 01:04:20,949 live at the comedy store Ray... live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1268 live at the comedy store 01:04:20,950 --> 01:04:22,327 live at the comedy store Yes? live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1269 live at the comedy store 01:04:27,582 --> 01:04:29,000 live at the comedy store Eh, you're fine. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1270 live at the comedy store 01:04:33,046 --> 01:04:34,046 live at the comedy store You guys have been great, live at the comedy store thanks a lot for coming. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1271 live at the comedy store 01:04:34,047 --> 01:04:35,507 live at the comedy store I hope you enjoyed it. live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1272 live at the comedy store 01:04:35,548 --> 01:04:37,884 live at the comedy store Thank you very much! live at the comedy store live at the comedy store 1273 live at the comedy store 01:04:38,635 --> 01:04:41,846 live at the comedy store Thank you! oh my GOD 1 oh my GOD 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:07,806 oh my GOD Fade the music out. oh my GOD oh my GOD 2 oh my GOD 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,208 oh my GOD Let's roll. oh my GOD oh my GOD 3 oh my GOD 00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:12,077 oh my GOD Hold there. oh my GOD oh my GOD 4 oh my GOD 00:00:16,132 --> 00:00:17,216 oh my GOD Lights. oh my GOD oh my GOD 5 oh my GOD 00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:18,717 oh my GOD Do the lights. oh my GOD oh my GOD 6 oh my GOD 00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:57,339 oh my GOD Thank you. oh my GOD oh my GOD 7 oh my GOD 00:00:59,158 --> 00:01:02,160 oh my GOD Thank you very much. oh my GOD I appreciate that. oh my GOD oh my GOD 8 oh my GOD 00:01:02,178 --> 00:01:06,265 oh my GOD I don't necessarily agree with oh my GOD you, but I appreciate very much. oh my GOD oh my GOD 9 oh my GOD 00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:07,516 oh my GOD Well, this is a nice place. oh my GOD oh my GOD 10 oh my GOD 00:01:07,550 --> 00:01:09,601 oh my GOD This is easily the nicest place oh my GOD oh my GOD 11 oh my GOD 00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:12,805 oh my GOD For many miles oh my GOD in every direction. oh my GOD oh my GOD 12 oh my GOD 00:01:19,446 --> 00:01:21,363 oh my GOD That's how you oh my GOD compliment a building oh my GOD oh my GOD 13 oh my GOD 00:01:21,397 --> 00:01:25,617 oh my GOD And shit on a town oh my GOD with one sentence. oh my GOD oh my GOD 14 oh my GOD 00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:28,620 oh my GOD It is odd around here, oh my GOD as I was driving here. oh my GOD oh my GOD 15 oh my GOD 00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:30,155 oh my GOD There doesn't seem to be oh my GOD any difference oh my GOD oh my GOD 16 oh my GOD 00:01:30,189 --> 00:01:35,043 oh my GOD Between the sidewalk and oh my GOD the street for pedestrians here. oh my GOD oh my GOD 17 oh my GOD 00:01:35,078 --> 00:01:39,164 oh my GOD People just kind of walk oh my GOD in the middle of the road. oh my GOD oh my GOD 18 oh my GOD 00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:45,838 oh my GOD I love traveling oh my GOD oh my GOD 19 oh my GOD 00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:46,972 oh my GOD And seeing all the different oh my GOD parts of the country. oh my GOD oh my GOD 20 oh my GOD 00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,924 oh my GOD I live in new york. oh my GOD I live in a-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 21 oh my GOD 00:01:50,059 --> 00:01:52,060 oh my GOD There's no value oh my GOD to your doing that at all. oh my GOD oh my GOD 22 oh my GOD 00:01:52,095 --> 00:01:54,763 oh my GOD I live-- oh my GOD I live in new york. oh my GOD oh my GOD 23 oh my GOD 00:01:56,048 --> 00:01:57,399 oh my GOD I always-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 24 oh my GOD 00:01:57,433 --> 00:01:59,351 oh my GOD Like, there's this old lady oh my GOD in my neighborhood, oh my GOD oh my GOD 25 oh my GOD 00:01:59,385 --> 00:02:01,019 oh my GOD And she's always oh my GOD walking her dog. oh my GOD oh my GOD 26 oh my GOD 00:02:01,053 --> 00:02:03,722 oh my GOD She's always just-- oh my GOD she's very old. oh my GOD oh my GOD 27 oh my GOD 00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:06,658 oh my GOD She just stands there oh my GOD just being old, oh my GOD oh my GOD 28 oh my GOD 00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:09,745 oh my GOD And the dog just fights gravity oh my GOD every day, just-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 29 oh my GOD 00:02:09,779 --> 00:02:11,864 oh my GOD The two of them, it's really-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 30 oh my GOD 00:02:11,898 --> 00:02:16,668 oh my GOD The dog's got a cloudy eye, oh my GOD and she's got a cloudy eye, oh my GOD oh my GOD 31 oh my GOD 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,787 oh my GOD And they just stand there oh my GOD looking at the street oh my GOD oh my GOD 32 oh my GOD 00:02:18,838 --> 00:02:21,340 oh my GOD In two dimensions together, oh my GOD and-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 33 oh my GOD 00:02:24,761 --> 00:02:28,046 oh my GOD And she's always wearing, like, oh my GOD this old sweater dress. oh my GOD oh my GOD 34 oh my GOD 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,582 oh my GOD I guess it was a sweater oh my GOD when she was, like, 5'10", oh my GOD oh my GOD 35 oh my GOD 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,718 oh my GOD But now it's just, oh my GOD like, this sweater oh my GOD oh my GOD 36 oh my GOD 00:02:32,752 --> 00:02:36,271 oh my GOD And her legs are-- oh my GOD her legs are a nightmare. oh my GOD oh my GOD 37 oh my GOD 00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:42,093 oh my GOD They're just white with green oh my GOD streaks and bones sticking out. oh my GOD oh my GOD 38 oh my GOD 00:02:42,111 --> 00:02:43,428 oh my GOD Her legs are awful. oh my GOD oh my GOD 39 oh my GOD 00:02:43,446 --> 00:02:45,230 oh my GOD I saw a guy with no legs oh my GOD wheeling by, oh my GOD oh my GOD 40 oh my GOD 00:02:45,264 --> 00:02:48,650 oh my GOD And he was like, oh my GOD "yecch, no thank you. 41 00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:52,654 I do not want those." oh my GOD oh my GOD 42 oh my GOD 00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:57,609 oh my GOD "I'd rather just have air down here like I have 43 00:02:57,627 --> 00:03:01,380 Than to look down at that shit." oh my GOD oh my GOD 44 oh my GOD 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:09,555 oh my GOD I see these two all the time, oh my GOD and I always look at them, oh my GOD oh my GOD 45 oh my GOD 00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:12,591 oh my GOD And I always think, oh my GOD god, I hope she dies first. oh my GOD oh my GOD 46 oh my GOD 00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,092 oh my GOD I do. oh my GOD oh my GOD 47 oh my GOD 00:03:14,126 --> 00:03:16,261 oh my GOD I hope she dies first, oh my GOD for her sake, oh my GOD oh my GOD 48 oh my GOD 00:03:16,295 --> 00:03:17,646 oh my GOD Because I don't want her oh my GOD to lose the dog. oh my GOD oh my GOD 49 oh my GOD 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,648 oh my GOD I don't think she'll oh my GOD be able to handle it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 50 oh my GOD 00:03:19,682 --> 00:03:20,983 oh my GOD If she dies-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 51 oh my GOD 00:03:21,017 --> 00:03:22,801 oh my GOD If the old lady dies first, oh my GOD I'm not worried about the dog oh my GOD oh my GOD 52 oh my GOD 00:03:22,819 --> 00:03:27,239 oh my GOD Because the dog doesn't even oh my GOD know about the old lady. oh my GOD oh my GOD 53 oh my GOD 00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:33,161 oh my GOD This dog is aware of oh my GOD three inches around his head. oh my GOD oh my GOD 54 oh my GOD 00:03:34,497 --> 00:03:38,149 oh my GOD He's living oh my GOD in two-second increments. oh my GOD oh my GOD 55 oh my GOD 00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:40,419 oh my GOD The second he's in oh my GOD and the one he just left oh my GOD oh my GOD 56 oh my GOD 00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:44,289 oh my GOD Is all he knows about, oh my GOD oh my GOD 57 oh my GOD 00:03:44,323 --> 00:03:48,293 oh my GOD But if he dies, this lady, oh my GOD she's gonna be destroyed oh my GOD oh my GOD 58 oh my GOD 00:03:48,327 --> 00:03:50,963 oh my GOD Because this dog is all she has, oh my GOD oh my GOD 59 oh my GOD 00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:55,217 oh my GOD And I know he's all she has oh my GOD because she has him. oh my GOD oh my GOD 60 oh my GOD 00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:57,386 oh my GOD There's no-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 61 oh my GOD 00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,004 oh my GOD If she had one person oh my GOD in her life, oh my GOD oh my GOD 62 oh my GOD 00:03:59,022 --> 00:04:01,890 oh my GOD She would not keep oh my GOD this piece of shit little dog. oh my GOD oh my GOD 63 oh my GOD 00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,559 oh my GOD Even if just some young woman oh my GOD in her building one morning oh my GOD oh my GOD 64 oh my GOD 00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:06,061 oh my GOD Were to say, oh my GOD good morning, gladys, oh my GOD oh my GOD 65 oh my GOD 00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:07,145 oh my GOD She'd be like, "good," oh my GOD oh my GOD 66 oh my GOD 00:04:07,179 --> 00:04:09,014 oh my GOD And just flush him oh my GOD down the toilet, just-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 67 oh my GOD 00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:17,372 oh my GOD Poom! Poom! oh my GOD oh my GOD 68 oh my GOD 00:04:17,407 --> 00:04:19,625 oh my GOD The dog just keeps oh my GOD bumping on the drain. oh my GOD oh my GOD 69 oh my GOD 00:04:22,211 --> 00:04:24,079 oh my GOD Poom! oh my GOD oh my GOD 70 oh my GOD 00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:27,082 oh my GOD she gives up. oh my GOD oh my GOD 71 oh my GOD 00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:30,469 oh my GOD Ends up just shitting on her dog oh my GOD for the rest of her life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 72 oh my GOD 00:04:30,503 --> 00:04:31,586 oh my GOD P-p-p! oh my GOD oh my GOD 73 oh my GOD 00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:38,844 oh my GOD Poom! oh my GOD oh my GOD 74 oh my GOD 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,851 oh my GOD You ever flush a pet oh my GOD down the toilet? oh my GOD oh my GOD 75 oh my GOD 00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:48,487 oh my GOD I had to flush my daughter's oh my GOD fish down the toilet. oh my GOD oh my GOD 76 oh my GOD 00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:49,888 oh my GOD I came home, the fish was dead. oh my GOD oh my GOD 77 oh my GOD 00:04:49,906 --> 00:04:53,025 oh my GOD She wasn't home from school yet, oh my GOD so I just flushed the fish, oh my GOD oh my GOD 78 oh my GOD 00:04:53,059 --> 00:04:56,411 oh my GOD And that's a weird moment, too, oh my GOD 'cause fish live in water. oh my GOD oh my GOD 79 oh my GOD 00:04:56,446 --> 00:04:58,580 oh my GOD So you put it in the toilet, oh my GOD floats to the bottom, oh my GOD oh my GOD 80 oh my GOD 00:04:58,614 --> 00:05:00,032 oh my GOD Like, "yeah, he's dead," oh my GOD oh my GOD 81 oh my GOD 00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:01,333 oh my GOD And then you flush, oh my GOD and it looks like he goes, oh my GOD oh my GOD 82 oh my GOD 00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:06,621 oh my GOD "wait a second! Aw, shit! 83 00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:10,959 I was taking a nap! Jesus!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 84 oh my GOD 00:05:11,010 --> 00:05:12,544 oh my GOD "you gotta be in constant motion 85 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:15,847 To get any respect in this house." oh my GOD oh my GOD 86 oh my GOD 00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,752 oh my GOD And then my daughter comes home. oh my GOD oh my GOD 87 oh my GOD 00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:22,054 oh my GOD why did he die, da-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 88 oh my GOD 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:27,359 oh my GOD Come on. What am I gonna say? oh my GOD Why did he die? oh my GOD oh my GOD 89 oh my GOD 00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:30,312 oh my GOD Because who gives a shit? oh my GOD That's the reason. oh my GOD oh my GOD 90 oh my GOD 00:05:30,363 --> 00:05:33,699 oh my GOD That's the actual reason, oh my GOD is because didn't matter oh my GOD oh my GOD 91 oh my GOD 00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:35,150 oh my GOD That he was alive. oh my GOD oh my GOD 92 oh my GOD 00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:38,236 oh my GOD That's why he's dead. oh my GOD oh my GOD 93 oh my GOD 00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:40,322 oh my GOD He didn't know his name, oh my GOD and he didn't love you back. oh my GOD oh my GOD 94 oh my GOD 00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:43,792 oh my GOD These are the facts oh my GOD about that fish's life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 95 oh my GOD 00:05:47,797 --> 00:05:49,998 oh my GOD My daughter likes fish. oh my GOD We took her to the aquarium. oh my GOD oh my GOD 96 oh my GOD 00:05:50,049 --> 00:05:52,117 oh my GOD I took both my kids oh my GOD to the aquarium in boston, oh my GOD oh my GOD 97 oh my GOD 00:05:52,135 --> 00:05:55,087 oh my GOD And we were looking oh my GOD at this seal, or sea lion. oh my GOD oh my GOD 98 oh my GOD 00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:58,256 oh my GOD I don't know which one. oh my GOD I don't care. oh my GOD oh my GOD 99 oh my GOD 00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:01,343 oh my GOD I don't think they need oh my GOD to be separate things. oh my GOD oh my GOD 100 oh my GOD 00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:02,811 oh my GOD I really don't. oh my GOD oh my GOD 101 oh my GOD 00:06:02,845 --> 00:06:05,680 oh my GOD They don't care, oh my GOD and we don't care. oh my GOD oh my GOD 102 oh my GOD 00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:07,399 oh my GOD There's, like, three scientists oh my GOD oh my GOD 103 oh my GOD 00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:10,685 oh my GOD Who give a shit oh my GOD what we call all those things. oh my GOD oh my GOD 104 oh my GOD 00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,070 oh my GOD The scientists could oh my GOD go on tv tomorrow oh my GOD oh my GOD 105 oh my GOD 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,188 oh my GOD And say, "ok, everybody. oh my GOD oh my GOD 106 oh my GOD 00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:18,827 oh my GOD "from now on, seals and sea lions and walruses, 107 00:06:18,861 --> 00:06:26,418 And--you know what?--Penguins are all seals now," oh my GOD oh my GOD 108 oh my GOD 00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:31,289 oh my GOD And we would all be like, oh my GOD "yeah, all right. Fine. Yes. 109 00:06:31,323 --> 00:06:33,825 Whatever, man." oh my GOD oh my GOD 110 oh my GOD 00:06:33,843 --> 00:06:36,962 oh my GOD Anyway, so we're looking oh my GOD at this seal/sea lion thing, oh my GOD oh my GOD 111 oh my GOD 00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:39,664 oh my GOD And he's looking back at us oh my GOD through the plexiglas, oh my GOD oh my GOD 112 oh my GOD 00:06:39,682 --> 00:06:40,849 oh my GOD And he's going-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 113 oh my GOD 00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:46,555 oh my GOD They're really disgusting oh my GOD in person. oh my GOD oh my GOD 114 oh my GOD 00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:48,523 oh my GOD Most animals are oh my GOD when you really see them. oh my GOD oh my GOD 115 oh my GOD 00:06:48,558 --> 00:06:49,891 oh my GOD You ever go to a farm? oh my GOD oh my GOD 116 oh my GOD 00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:51,276 oh my GOD You think you're gonna see oh my GOD little, white sheep oh my GOD oh my GOD 117 oh my GOD 00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:53,895 oh my GOD Going, "baa," but they're oh my GOD all fat and shit-colored, oh my GOD oh my GOD 118 oh my GOD 00:06:53,946 --> 00:06:54,946 oh my GOD And they're like-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 119 oh my GOD 00:06:57,784 --> 00:07:00,368 oh my GOD Jesus. oh my GOD oh my GOD 120 oh my GOD 00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:02,871 oh my GOD That thing is awful. oh my GOD oh my GOD 121 oh my GOD 00:07:02,905 --> 00:07:04,122 oh my GOD Anyway, seals don't go-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 122 oh my GOD 00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:06,158 oh my GOD They go-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 123 oh my GOD 00:07:08,527 --> 00:07:11,663 oh my GOD My daughter's like, oh my GOD what is he saying? oh my GOD oh my GOD 124 oh my GOD 00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:13,498 oh my GOD I don't know! oh my GOD oh my GOD 125 oh my GOD 00:07:13,532 --> 00:07:17,702 oh my GOD "I'm a slave! 126 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,805 Kill me!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 127 oh my GOD 00:07:28,547 --> 00:07:32,517 oh my GOD Must be awful to be oh my GOD other kinds of stuff, oh my GOD oh my GOD 128 oh my GOD 00:07:32,551 --> 00:07:34,236 oh my GOD You know? oh my GOD oh my GOD 129 oh my GOD 00:07:34,270 --> 00:07:36,655 oh my GOD I'm glad I'm this. oh my GOD oh my GOD 130 oh my GOD 00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:41,610 oh my GOD This is a pretty good deal when oh my GOD you consider the alternatives. oh my GOD oh my GOD 131 oh my GOD 00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:46,198 oh my GOD Anything else, any other kind of oh my GOD thing, you're in the food chain. oh my GOD oh my GOD 132 oh my GOD 00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:49,584 oh my GOD You're in the food-- oh my GOD we are out of the food chain. oh my GOD oh my GOD 133 oh my GOD 00:07:49,619 --> 00:07:51,870 oh my GOD I don't know if we oh my GOD fully appreciate the fact oh my GOD oh my GOD 134 oh my GOD 00:07:51,904 --> 00:07:55,240 oh my GOD That we got oh my GOD out of the food chain. oh my GOD oh my GOD 135 oh my GOD 00:07:55,258 --> 00:07:58,243 oh my GOD That is a massive upgrade oh my GOD oh my GOD 136 oh my GOD 00:07:58,261 --> 00:08:00,545 oh my GOD Because for every other oh my GOD living thing, oh my GOD oh my GOD 137 oh my GOD 00:08:00,579 --> 00:08:03,131 oh my GOD Life ends by being eaten. oh my GOD oh my GOD 138 oh my GOD 00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:05,467 oh my GOD That's how all life ends, is-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 139 oh my GOD 00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:07,602 oh my GOD Every single life oh my GOD except human life, oh my GOD oh my GOD 140 oh my GOD 00:08:07,637 --> 00:08:09,137 oh my GOD Every life ends like this. oh my GOD oh my GOD 141 oh my GOD 00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:12,607 oh my GOD Aah! Aah! Aah! oh my GOD oh my GOD 142 oh my GOD 00:08:16,979 --> 00:08:20,649 oh my GOD We're the only ones that get oh my GOD to just die old in a bed, oh my GOD oh my GOD 143 oh my GOD 00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:25,403 oh my GOD Just "I love you. Bye." oh my GOD oh my GOD 144 oh my GOD 00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:36,081 oh my GOD I mean, imagine if we were oh my GOD still in the food chain oh my GOD oh my GOD 145 oh my GOD 00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:38,083 oh my GOD On top of everything else. oh my GOD oh my GOD 146 oh my GOD 00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:40,252 oh my GOD Imagine if we were oh my GOD in the food chain. oh my GOD oh my GOD 147 oh my GOD 00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:44,973 oh my GOD It would just be another thing oh my GOD you gotta deal with. oh my GOD oh my GOD 148 oh my GOD 00:08:45,007 --> 00:08:47,893 oh my GOD You're already having a bad day. oh my GOD oh my GOD 149 oh my GOD 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:50,345 oh my GOD You wake in up in the morning. oh my GOD You're making breakfast. oh my GOD oh my GOD 150 oh my GOD 00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:54,733 oh my GOD You burn your toast, oh my GOD and it's too late to try again, oh my GOD oh my GOD 151 oh my GOD 00:08:54,767 --> 00:08:58,687 oh my GOD And your kid comes in and says, oh my GOD beh, and you're like, "fine," oh my GOD oh my GOD 152 oh my GOD 00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:01,740 oh my GOD And it's just, "why?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 153 oh my GOD 00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:04,326 oh my GOD You get a thing in the mail oh my GOD oh my GOD 154 oh my GOD 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,312 oh my GOD That says that oh my GOD your phone's different, oh my GOD oh my GOD 155 oh my GOD 00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:10,615 oh my GOD And your mortgage oh my GOD is another company now. oh my GOD oh my GOD 156 oh my GOD 00:09:10,649 --> 00:09:15,253 oh my GOD What? I don't get it! oh my GOD oh my GOD 157 oh my GOD 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,655 oh my GOD Then you're walking to work oh my GOD like, "why do I even bother? oh my GOD oh my GOD 158 oh my GOD 00:09:17,673 --> 00:09:21,376 oh my GOD "shit! Goddamn it! 159 00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:25,496 there's always fucking cheetahs" oh my GOD at the train station! oh my GOD oh my GOD 160 oh my GOD 00:09:25,514 --> 00:09:28,166 oh my GOD Stop it!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 161 oh my GOD 00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:36,474 oh my GOD You think that sharks-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 162 oh my GOD 00:09:36,508 --> 00:09:39,527 oh my GOD Do you think that sharks oh my GOD would be embarrassed oh my GOD oh my GOD 163 oh my GOD 00:09:39,562 --> 00:09:41,846 oh my GOD If they knew that we could all oh my GOD see their fins oh my GOD oh my GOD 164 oh my GOD 00:09:41,864 --> 00:09:47,152 oh my GOD Sticking out oh my GOD the top of the water? oh my GOD oh my GOD 165 oh my GOD 00:09:47,186 --> 00:09:49,187 oh my GOD I think they'd be bummed oh my GOD oh my GOD 166 oh my GOD 00:09:49,205 --> 00:09:52,324 oh my GOD 'cause I don't think sharks oh my GOD are aware of that at all. oh my GOD oh my GOD 167 oh my GOD 00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:54,492 oh my GOD I think sharks think oh my GOD they're slick. oh my GOD oh my GOD 168 oh my GOD 00:09:54,526 --> 00:09:56,044 oh my GOD They swim around like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 169 oh my GOD 00:09:56,078 --> 00:10:01,166 oh my GOD "hey, nobody has any idea what's down here," oh my GOD oh my GOD 170 oh my GOD 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,367 oh my GOD And we're all up here like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 171 oh my GOD 00:10:02,385 --> 00:10:05,754 oh my GOD "there's totally a shark right there." oh my GOD oh my GOD 172 oh my GOD 00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:10,592 oh my GOD It wouldn't be fun oh my GOD being a predator, either. oh my GOD oh my GOD 173 oh my GOD 00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:13,144 oh my GOD If you're a predator, imagine oh my GOD if every time you're hungry, oh my GOD oh my GOD 174 oh my GOD 00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:16,765 oh my GOD You gotta chase a guy oh my GOD oh my GOD 175 oh my GOD 00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:19,067 oh my GOD Who's running for his life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 176 oh my GOD 00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:21,936 oh my GOD You gotta-- "come on, dude! oh my GOD Shit, get over here!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 177 oh my GOD 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,322 oh my GOD And just hold him down oh my GOD and bite his neck oh my GOD oh my GOD 178 oh my GOD 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,892 oh my GOD Till he shuts the fuck up oh my GOD for a minute oh my GOD oh my GOD 179 oh my GOD 00:10:27,910 --> 00:10:30,362 oh my GOD So you can just sit there oh my GOD and eat his stomach oh my GOD oh my GOD 180 oh my GOD 00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:33,731 oh my GOD Before you go to work. oh my GOD oh my GOD 181 oh my GOD 00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:40,121 oh my GOD That would really suck. oh my GOD oh my GOD 182 oh my GOD 00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:41,339 oh my GOD That's why animals just-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 183 oh my GOD 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:43,425 oh my GOD They go, "let's do this oh my GOD together, man. oh my GOD oh my GOD 184 oh my GOD 00:10:43,459 --> 00:10:44,876 oh my GOD "you chase the parents away. 185 00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:47,012 I am gonna eat the kid, and you circle back." oh my GOD oh my GOD 186 oh my GOD 00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:49,347 oh my GOD That's why they do it like that. oh my GOD oh my GOD 187 oh my GOD 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:52,384 oh my GOD "fuck it. I'm eating babies. This is bullshit." oh my GOD oh my GOD 188 oh my GOD 00:10:57,106 --> 00:11:00,809 oh my GOD "grownups ain't worth the meat." oh my GOD oh my GOD 189 oh my GOD 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,862 oh my GOD Whoops, all right. oh my GOD oh my GOD 190 oh my GOD 00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:05,447 oh my GOD All right. oh my GOD oh my GOD 191 oh my GOD 00:11:05,481 --> 00:11:07,649 oh my GOD shit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 192 oh my GOD 00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,985 oh my GOD Goddamn it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 193 oh my GOD 00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:13,788 oh my GOD Idiot. oh my GOD oh my GOD 194 oh my GOD 00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:16,157 oh my GOD This isn't a gay voice, oh my GOD by the way. oh my GOD oh my GOD 195 oh my GOD 00:11:16,208 --> 00:11:17,792 oh my GOD It's not. oh my GOD oh my GOD 196 oh my GOD 00:11:17,827 --> 00:11:22,297 oh my GOD Shut up. oh my GOD oh my GOD 197 oh my GOD 00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:25,550 oh my GOD yeah. oh my GOD oh my GOD 198 oh my GOD 00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:28,887 oh my GOD I live in new york city, oh my GOD and it's ok there. oh my GOD oh my GOD 199 oh my GOD 00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:30,088 oh my GOD I live in a nice building. oh my GOD oh my GOD 200 oh my GOD 00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:31,423 oh my GOD I never lived oh my GOD in a nice place before. oh my GOD oh my GOD 201 oh my GOD 00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:33,591 oh my GOD When I was growing up, oh my GOD I had no money. oh my GOD oh my GOD 202 oh my GOD 00:11:33,625 --> 00:11:36,728 oh my GOD I mean, my mom didn't. oh my GOD Didn't matter. I was a child. oh my GOD oh my GOD 203 oh my GOD 00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:39,681 oh my GOD But I'm not used to it oh my GOD 'cause it's nice. oh my GOD oh my GOD 204 oh my GOD 00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,399 oh my GOD There's, like, oh my GOD a pretty courtyard oh my GOD oh my GOD 205 oh my GOD 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:46,321 oh my GOD With flowers and a fountain oh my GOD with little marble boys pissing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 206 oh my GOD 00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:51,326 oh my GOD I don't know. oh my GOD What is it with fountains? oh my GOD oh my GOD 207 oh my GOD 00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:55,280 oh my GOD Like, all fountain sculptors oh my GOD are pedophiles, basically. oh my GOD oh my GOD 208 oh my GOD 00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,782 oh my GOD You can't get a fountain oh my GOD made without-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 209 oh my GOD 00:11:57,816 --> 00:11:59,417 oh my GOD can you make me a fountain? oh my GOD oh my GOD 210 oh my GOD 00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,170 oh my GOD "yes, I'll get started right away! 211 00:12:02,204 --> 00:12:05,673 Yes!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 212 oh my GOD 00:12:05,708 --> 00:12:08,960 oh my GOD Yes! oh my GOD oh my GOD 213 oh my GOD 00:12:08,994 --> 00:12:11,763 oh my GOD It's finished!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 214 oh my GOD 00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:14,999 oh my GOD And it's just little boys oh my GOD pissing on the face oh my GOD oh my GOD 215 oh my GOD 00:12:15,017 --> 00:12:18,853 oh my GOD Of a greek god oh my GOD that looks like him a lot. oh my GOD oh my GOD 216 oh my GOD 00:12:18,888 --> 00:12:22,524 oh my GOD just piss on me forever! oh my GOD oh my GOD 217 oh my GOD 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:31,032 oh my GOD Anyway, there's one of those oh my GOD in the courtyard of my building, oh my GOD oh my GOD 218 oh my GOD 00:12:31,066 --> 00:12:35,069 oh my GOD And my first week in oh my GOD the building about a year ago, oh my GOD oh my GOD 219 oh my GOD 00:12:35,121 --> 00:12:38,189 oh my GOD I went down to the courtyard oh my GOD for the first time, oh my GOD oh my GOD 220 oh my GOD 00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:39,857 oh my GOD And I didn't look oh my GOD too good, you know? oh my GOD oh my GOD 221 oh my GOD 00:12:39,875 --> 00:12:41,859 oh my GOD It was a Sunday morning. oh my GOD oh my GOD 222 oh my GOD 00:12:41,877 --> 00:12:44,913 oh my GOD That's my oh my GOD least presentable hour. oh my GOD oh my GOD 223 oh my GOD 00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:47,198 oh my GOD There's a lot of, you know, oh my GOD just stains, oh my GOD oh my GOD 224 oh my GOD 00:12:47,216 --> 00:12:50,218 oh my GOD Just like, you know, oh my GOD food and me and whatever... oh my GOD oh my GOD 225 oh my GOD 00:12:51,253 --> 00:12:55,256 oh my GOD And so I'm sitting there. oh my GOD oh my GOD 226 oh my GOD 00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:58,643 oh my GOD So? Shut up. oh my GOD oh my GOD 227 oh my GOD 00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,512 oh my GOD Ha ha ha! oh my GOD oh my GOD 228 oh my GOD 00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:06,017 oh my GOD Anyway, but so there I was. oh my GOD oh my GOD 229 oh my GOD 00:13:06,051 --> 00:13:08,570 oh my GOD I'm sitting on the stone bench oh my GOD of this courtyard oh my GOD oh my GOD 230 oh my GOD 00:13:08,604 --> 00:13:11,389 oh my GOD And feeling a little oh my GOD out of place. oh my GOD oh my GOD 231 oh my GOD 00:13:11,407 --> 00:13:13,107 oh my GOD You know, there's oh my GOD these fancy doormen and stuff, oh my GOD oh my GOD 232 oh my GOD 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,943 oh my GOD And then there's this guy oh my GOD looking at me. oh my GOD oh my GOD 233 oh my GOD 00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:17,895 oh my GOD I notice he's looking at me oh my GOD from across the courtyard, oh my GOD oh my GOD 234 oh my GOD 00:13:17,913 --> 00:13:19,697 oh my GOD And he's all spiffy-looking. oh my GOD oh my GOD 235 oh my GOD 00:13:19,731 --> 00:13:23,618 oh my GOD He's got brown shoes, and he's oh my GOD looking at me like, "" oh my GOD oh my GOD 236 oh my GOD 00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:27,205 oh my GOD I can tell he was thinking oh my GOD I don't live in the building. oh my GOD oh my GOD 237 oh my GOD 00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:29,874 oh my GOD He thinks I just wandered in oh my GOD off the streets oh my GOD oh my GOD 238 oh my GOD 00:13:29,908 --> 00:13:31,376 oh my GOD And sat in the courtyard. oh my GOD oh my GOD 239 oh my GOD 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,578 oh my GOD I can tell he's thinking oh my GOD of coming over oh my GOD oh my GOD 240 oh my GOD 00:13:33,596 --> 00:13:36,514 oh my GOD And dealing with me on his own, oh my GOD and I'm sitting there thinking, oh my GOD oh my GOD 241 oh my GOD 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:40,852 oh my GOD Like, "please do that. Yes. oh my GOD Please, come on, come on. oh my GOD oh my GOD 242 oh my GOD 00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,971 oh my GOD Come on, come on, come on," oh my GOD oh my GOD 243 oh my GOD 00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:44,856 oh my GOD And I'm trying to look oh my GOD even more gross, oh my GOD oh my GOD 244 oh my GOD 00:13:44,890 --> 00:13:48,560 oh my GOD And I'm, like, oh my GOD pulling up my shirt, "" oh my GOD oh my GOD 245 oh my GOD 00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:51,446 oh my GOD And then I see him go, "no. oh my GOD That's not gonna do at all," oh my GOD oh my GOD 246 oh my GOD 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:56,234 oh my GOD And he comes over to me, oh my GOD and I'm like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 247 oh my GOD 00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:57,485 oh my GOD Num num num! oh my GOD oh my GOD 248 oh my GOD 00:13:57,536 --> 00:14:01,873 oh my GOD I'm so excited to have oh my GOD this thing, a confrontation oh my GOD oh my GOD 249 oh my GOD 00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:06,044 oh my GOD Where I'm not wrong at all oh my GOD and he thinks I am. oh my GOD oh my GOD 250 oh my GOD 00:14:06,078 --> 00:14:07,212 oh my GOD rrgh! oh my GOD oh my GOD 251 oh my GOD 00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:10,781 oh my GOD So he comes over, says, oh my GOD "excuse me, 252 00:14:10,799 --> 00:14:13,334 do you live in this building?""" oh my GOD oh my GOD 253 oh my GOD 00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:18,139 oh my GOD And I said, "no," oh my GOD oh my GOD 254 oh my GOD 00:14:18,173 --> 00:14:22,644 oh my GOD 'cause why not start there? oh my GOD oh my GOD 255 oh my GOD 00:14:22,678 --> 00:14:24,812 oh my GOD I said, "no." oh my GOD oh my GOD 256 oh my GOD 00:14:24,847 --> 00:14:27,015 oh my GOD He goes, "well then, oh my GOD what are you doing here?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 257 oh my GOD 00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,850 oh my GOD And I said, "I just need oh my GOD to rest. oh my GOD oh my GOD 258 oh my GOD 00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:31,269 oh my GOD I'm having a hard time." oh my GOD oh my GOD 259 oh my GOD 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,692 oh my GOD He says, oh my GOD this is private property, oh my GOD oh my GOD 260 oh my GOD 00:14:37,743 --> 00:14:41,112 oh my GOD And I said, "well, I don't oh my GOD really believe in that." oh my GOD oh my GOD 261 oh my GOD 00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:43,781 oh my GOD You know, just the worst things oh my GOD I could say oh my GOD oh my GOD 262 oh my GOD 00:14:43,815 --> 00:14:45,483 oh my GOD From his point of view oh my GOD oh my GOD 263 oh my GOD 00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,985 oh my GOD Is basically all the things oh my GOD I was saying, oh my GOD oh my GOD 264 oh my GOD 00:14:48,003 --> 00:14:49,504 oh my GOD And he goes, oh my GOD "well, if you don't leave, 265 00:14:49,538 --> 00:14:50,705 I'm gonna talk to the doorman." oh my GOD oh my GOD 266 oh my GOD 00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:53,758 oh my GOD I was like, "can I just stay, oh my GOD like, five more hours?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 267 oh my GOD 00:14:53,792 --> 00:14:58,096 oh my GOD So he's--"no," oh my GOD and he goes over to the doorman oh my GOD oh my GOD 268 oh my GOD 00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:01,549 oh my GOD And I see him talking about me oh my GOD to the doorman like this, oh my GOD oh my GOD 269 oh my GOD 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,134 oh my GOD And then I see the doorman oh my GOD going, "no. oh my GOD oh my GOD 270 oh my GOD 00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:08,222 oh my GOD That guy lives here. It's ok," oh my GOD oh my GOD 271 oh my GOD 00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:13,194 oh my GOD And the look on his face-- oh my GOD mwah mwah! Num num!-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 272 oh my GOD 00:15:13,228 --> 00:15:15,146 oh my GOD It was just so-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 273 oh my GOD 00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:21,286 oh my GOD It was this beautiful cocktail oh my GOD of anger and confusion. oh my GOD oh my GOD 274 oh my GOD 00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:26,958 oh my GOD It's like I had invented a new oh my GOD way to hurt somebody's feelings. oh my GOD oh my GOD 275 oh my GOD 00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:29,911 oh my GOD That's how excited I was. oh my GOD oh my GOD 276 oh my GOD 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,866 oh my GOD I'm 45 now, oh my GOD oh my GOD 277 oh my GOD 00:15:35,884 --> 00:15:37,835 oh my GOD So I'm either halfway through oh my GOD a healthy life oh my GOD oh my GOD 278 oh my GOD 00:15:37,869 --> 00:15:41,923 oh my GOD Or almost done oh my GOD with a not-so-healthy life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 279 oh my GOD 00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:43,808 oh my GOD I don't know which one. oh my GOD oh my GOD 280 oh my GOD 00:15:43,842 --> 00:15:48,429 oh my GOD I won't know till it's over oh my GOD where this was. oh my GOD oh my GOD 281 oh my GOD 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,932 oh my GOD I don't know how long oh my GOD I'm gonna live. oh my GOD oh my GOD 282 oh my GOD 00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:53,067 oh my GOD I don't know. oh my GOD Nobody knows, I guess. oh my GOD oh my GOD 283 oh my GOD 00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:56,220 oh my GOD I think human life expectancy oh my GOD is pretty good. oh my GOD oh my GOD 284 oh my GOD 00:15:56,238 --> 00:15:58,356 oh my GOD We get a good run, you know? oh my GOD oh my GOD 285 oh my GOD 00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:00,108 oh my GOD Some people die early, you know? oh my GOD oh my GOD 286 oh my GOD 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,610 oh my GOD If I die now, people will be oh my GOD like, "that's too bad." oh my GOD oh my GOD 287 oh my GOD 00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:04,329 oh my GOD If I die five years from now, oh my GOD they'll be like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 288 oh my GOD 00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,698 oh my GOD well, all right, oh my GOD like it's not even-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 289 oh my GOD 00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:08,333 oh my GOD It's-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 290 oh my GOD 00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:11,569 oh my GOD Like, as soon as you're 50, oh my GOD you're a candidate. oh my GOD oh my GOD 291 oh my GOD 00:16:11,587 --> 00:16:13,755 oh my GOD You know, there's oh my GOD no candlelight vigils oh my GOD oh my GOD 292 oh my GOD 00:16:13,789 --> 00:16:17,842 oh my GOD For 50-year-old guys that die, oh my GOD oh my GOD 293 oh my GOD 00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:19,460 oh my GOD And you start pushing-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 294 oh my GOD 00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:22,463 oh my GOD You know, some people get to be oh my GOD like, 80s, 90s. oh my GOD oh my GOD 295 oh my GOD 00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:25,466 oh my GOD You know, there are people oh my GOD that get to, like, 114, oh my GOD oh my GOD 296 oh my GOD 00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:28,720 oh my GOD And then they're in the news, oh my GOD and it's always some old guy, oh my GOD oh my GOD 297 oh my GOD 00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:30,521 oh my GOD I met napoleon. oh my GOD oh my GOD 298 oh my GOD 00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,890 oh my GOD No, you didn't, you liar, oh my GOD oh my GOD 299 oh my GOD 00:16:32,924 --> 00:16:36,444 oh my GOD You oldest liar in the world. oh my GOD oh my GOD 300 oh my GOD 00:16:39,097 --> 00:16:42,367 oh my GOD But 45, you know, oh my GOD you're not old yet, oh my GOD oh my GOD 301 oh my GOD 00:16:42,401 --> 00:16:43,985 oh my GOD But you start having moments oh my GOD oh my GOD 302 oh my GOD 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:46,404 oh my GOD Where you kind of start getting oh my GOD what old is, oh my GOD oh my GOD 303 oh my GOD 00:16:46,438 --> 00:16:50,775 oh my GOD Especially if you didn't oh my GOD take care of yourself, you know? oh my GOD oh my GOD 304 oh my GOD 00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:52,293 oh my GOD I have moments where I'm like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 305 oh my GOD 00:16:52,327 --> 00:16:55,112 oh my GOD "wow, this seems early for this." oh my GOD oh my GOD 306 oh my GOD 00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,249 oh my GOD Like, this is something oh my GOD that happens to me a lot. oh my GOD oh my GOD 307 oh my GOD 00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,786 oh my GOD I'll be sitting watching tv oh my GOD or doing nothing, oh my GOD oh my GOD 308 oh my GOD 00:17:01,804 --> 00:17:04,422 oh my GOD And all of a sudden, oh my GOD I'll realize, oh my GOD oh my GOD 309 oh my GOD 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:07,892 oh my GOD "I need to wipe my ass right now." oh my GOD oh my GOD 310 oh my GOD 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:19,153 oh my GOD "I mean, nothing happened, 311 00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:21,689 But I really gotta wipe my ass right now. 312 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:24,776 Right now." oh my GOD oh my GOD 313 oh my GOD 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:28,246 oh my GOD Gotta make trips to the bathroom oh my GOD just to wipe my ass. oh my GOD oh my GOD 314 oh my GOD 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,698 oh my GOD How does this happen already? oh my GOD oh my GOD 315 oh my GOD 00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:32,417 oh my GOD I'm 45. oh my GOD oh my GOD 316 oh my GOD 00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:37,655 oh my GOD Already, my asshole's just like, oh my GOD Just-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 317 oh my GOD 00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:40,425 oh my GOD My asshole-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 318 oh my GOD 00:17:40,459 --> 00:17:44,161 oh my GOD My asshole's like the waistband oh my GOD on old pajama bottoms, oh my GOD oh my GOD 319 oh my GOD 00:17:44,179 --> 00:17:46,180 oh my GOD Just kinda... oh my GOD oh my GOD 320 oh my GOD 00:17:46,215 --> 00:17:48,516 oh my GOD Loose and ineffectual. oh my GOD oh my GOD 321 oh my GOD 00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:55,640 oh my GOD My asshole's like a bag oh my GOD of leaves that nobody tied up. oh my GOD oh my GOD 322 oh my GOD 00:17:56,859 --> 00:18:02,396 oh my GOD It's just sitting on the lawn, oh my GOD full and open, oh my GOD oh my GOD 323 oh my GOD 00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:09,620 oh my GOD Puking leaves onto the grass oh my GOD with every wisp of wind. oh my GOD oh my GOD 324 oh my GOD 00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:13,241 oh my GOD Some kid kicks it over oh my GOD on his way home oh my GOD oh my GOD 325 oh my GOD 00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:16,878 oh my GOD From a tough day oh my GOD at middle school. oh my GOD oh my GOD 326 oh my GOD 00:18:16,912 --> 00:18:19,464 oh my GOD rats. oh my GOD oh my GOD 327 oh my GOD 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:26,637 oh my GOD That's a pretty accurate oh my GOD description of my asshole. oh my GOD oh my GOD 328 oh my GOD 00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,556 oh my GOD Here's another thing oh my GOD about my age right now. oh my GOD oh my GOD 329 oh my GOD 00:18:28,590 --> 00:18:30,842 oh my GOD If I'm-- oh my GOD ok. Say I'm sitting down. oh my GOD oh my GOD 330 oh my GOD 00:18:30,876 --> 00:18:34,762 oh my GOD If I'm sitting anywhere, oh my GOD which--ha ha ha!-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 331 oh my GOD 00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:37,181 oh my GOD I love sitting so much-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 332 oh my GOD 00:18:37,215 --> 00:18:39,216 oh my GOD I would take sitting oh my GOD and doing nothing oh my GOD oh my GOD 333 oh my GOD 00:18:39,234 --> 00:18:41,736 oh my GOD To standing and fucking any day. oh my GOD oh my GOD 334 oh my GOD 00:18:41,770 --> 00:18:46,190 oh my GOD This is way better than coming. oh my GOD This is way better. oh my GOD oh my GOD 335 oh my GOD 00:18:49,611 --> 00:18:51,162 oh my GOD This is what-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 336 oh my GOD 00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:53,247 oh my GOD At my age, if I'm sitting down oh my GOD and somebody tells me oh my GOD oh my GOD 337 oh my GOD 00:18:53,282 --> 00:18:55,867 oh my GOD I need to get up oh my GOD and go to another room, oh my GOD oh my GOD 338 oh my GOD 00:18:55,901 --> 00:19:01,255 oh my GOD I need to be told oh my GOD all the information why first. oh my GOD oh my GOD 339 oh my GOD 00:19:01,290 --> 00:19:03,574 oh my GOD You gotta explain oh my GOD all that shit to me. oh my GOD oh my GOD 340 oh my GOD 00:19:03,592 --> 00:19:07,411 oh my GOD "what? Why do I-- no. Why, though?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 341 oh my GOD 00:19:07,429 --> 00:19:09,213 oh my GOD "your car is being towed right now!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 342 oh my GOD 00:19:09,247 --> 00:19:13,050 oh my GOD "well, that's what happens to me, then. That's-- 343 00:19:13,084 --> 00:19:16,437 I accept that." oh my GOD oh my GOD 344 oh my GOD 00:19:16,471 --> 00:19:18,973 oh my GOD 'cause getting up oh my GOD is a whole thing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 345 oh my GOD 00:19:19,024 --> 00:19:20,391 oh my GOD It means first, oh my GOD I have to decide, oh my GOD oh my GOD 346 oh my GOD 00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,777 oh my GOD "do I really want to be alive anymore?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 347 oh my GOD 00:19:22,811 --> 00:19:27,365 oh my GOD Like, let's start with that, oh my GOD oh my GOD 348 oh my GOD 00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:32,403 oh my GOD And then I gotta, "" start oh my GOD kind of rocking to get momentum, oh my GOD oh my GOD 349 oh my GOD 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:38,108 oh my GOD like I'm trying to get oh my GOD an old honda out of a snow bank. oh my GOD oh my GOD 350 oh my GOD 00:19:51,122 --> 00:19:54,291 oh my GOD shit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 351 oh my GOD 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:58,179 oh my GOD The worst part of my day, oh my GOD worst part of every day oh my GOD oh my GOD 352 oh my GOD 00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,933 oh my GOD Of my life, is when oh my GOD I have to put on my socks. oh my GOD oh my GOD 353 oh my GOD 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:03,935 oh my GOD Putting on my socks oh my GOD is the worst part oh my GOD oh my GOD 354 oh my GOD 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:06,771 oh my GOD Of every day, oh my GOD and it always will be. oh my GOD oh my GOD 355 oh my GOD 00:20:06,805 --> 00:20:09,740 oh my GOD Even if I have a terrible day oh my GOD in the future oh my GOD oh my GOD 356 oh my GOD 00:20:09,775 --> 00:20:16,747 oh my GOD Where my grandmother is murdered oh my GOD by my other grandmother, oh my GOD oh my GOD 357 oh my GOD 00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,834 oh my GOD If that ever happened to me, oh my GOD the worst part of that day oh my GOD oh my GOD 358 oh my GOD 00:20:19,868 --> 00:20:24,288 oh my GOD Will be when I put on oh my GOD my socks because-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 359 oh my GOD 00:20:24,322 --> 00:20:26,707 oh my GOD Putting on my socks, oh my GOD that means I have to-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 360 oh my GOD 00:20:26,758 --> 00:20:27,758 oh my GOD Here's what I have to do. oh my GOD oh my GOD 361 oh my GOD 00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:31,328 oh my GOD I have to get my hands oh my GOD past my pointed toe. oh my GOD oh my GOD 362 oh my GOD 00:20:31,346 --> 00:20:33,848 oh my GOD I don't even know how I do it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 363 oh my GOD 00:20:33,882 --> 00:20:37,184 oh my GOD I'm sitting here. oh my GOD I don't know how I do that. oh my GOD oh my GOD 364 oh my GOD 00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:38,519 oh my GOD It's 'cause you have to-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 365 oh my GOD 00:20:38,553 --> 00:20:45,943 oh my GOD It's like folding oh my GOD a bowling ball in half. oh my GOD oh my GOD 366 oh my GOD 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,862 oh my GOD Soon as I start, I can feel-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 367 oh my GOD 00:20:47,896 --> 00:20:51,649 oh my GOD I'm pushing all the fat up oh my GOD into my vital organs, oh my GOD oh my GOD 368 oh my GOD 00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,484 oh my GOD And I just feel oh my GOD all the systems failing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 369 oh my GOD 00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:54,652 oh my GOD beep, beep, beep! oh my GOD oh my GOD 370 oh my GOD 00:20:57,456 --> 00:21:00,992 oh my GOD And I have to, like, lay on oh my GOD my back like an eight-year-old oh my GOD oh my GOD 371 oh my GOD 00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:03,878 oh my GOD And go like this, oh my GOD and I start passing out. oh my GOD oh my GOD 372 oh my GOD 00:21:11,586 --> 00:21:16,040 oh my GOD And I know oh my GOD other people's lives are hard. oh my GOD oh my GOD 373 oh my GOD 00:21:16,058 --> 00:21:20,428 oh my GOD Ha ha ha! oh my GOD oh my GOD 374 oh my GOD 00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:23,597 oh my GOD I know. oh my GOD oh my GOD 375 oh my GOD 00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:26,817 oh my GOD I saw an interview on tv oh my GOD with michael j. Fox, oh my GOD oh my GOD 376 oh my GOD 00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:29,103 oh my GOD And he has parkinson's, oh my GOD and he was describing oh my GOD oh my GOD 377 oh my GOD 00:21:29,154 --> 00:21:30,988 oh my GOD Brushing his teeth, and he said oh my GOD oh my GOD 378 oh my GOD 00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:34,058 oh my GOD It takes him two hours a day, oh my GOD and he said it's agony, oh my GOD oh my GOD 379 oh my GOD 00:21:34,076 --> 00:21:36,827 oh my GOD And I saw this and I thought, oh my GOD ok. That's hard. oh my GOD oh my GOD 380 oh my GOD 00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:38,829 oh my GOD That is hard, oh my GOD oh my GOD 381 oh my GOD 00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:42,033 oh my GOD And so is putting on my socks. oh my GOD oh my GOD 382 oh my GOD 00:21:43,585 --> 00:21:45,586 oh my GOD Sorry, michael. oh my GOD oh my GOD 383 oh my GOD 00:21:45,620 --> 00:21:48,873 oh my GOD Doesn't make it easier to know oh my GOD about your thing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 384 oh my GOD 00:21:48,907 --> 00:21:50,240 oh my GOD Tell you what. oh my GOD oh my GOD 385 oh my GOD 00:21:50,258 --> 00:21:54,411 oh my GOD I'll help you brush your teeth, oh my GOD you help me with the socks. oh my GOD oh my GOD 386 oh my GOD 00:21:54,429 --> 00:21:56,931 oh my GOD I don't know. oh my GOD I like getting older, though. oh my GOD oh my GOD 387 oh my GOD 00:21:56,965 --> 00:21:59,517 oh my GOD Life is an education, and oh my GOD if you're older, you're smarter. oh my GOD oh my GOD 388 oh my GOD 00:21:59,551 --> 00:22:00,768 oh my GOD I just believe that. oh my GOD oh my GOD 389 oh my GOD 00:22:00,802 --> 00:22:02,103 oh my GOD If you're in an argument oh my GOD with somebody oh my GOD oh my GOD 390 oh my GOD 00:22:02,137 --> 00:22:04,138 oh my GOD And they're older than you, oh my GOD you should listen to them. oh my GOD oh my GOD 391 oh my GOD 00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:05,756 oh my GOD It doesn't mean they're right. oh my GOD oh my GOD 392 oh my GOD 00:22:05,774 --> 00:22:07,274 oh my GOD It means that oh my GOD even if they're wrong, oh my GOD oh my GOD 393 oh my GOD 00:22:07,309 --> 00:22:11,278 oh my GOD Their wrongness is rooted in oh my GOD more information than you have. oh my GOD oh my GOD 394 oh my GOD 00:22:11,313 --> 00:22:14,615 oh my GOD They've been there longer. oh my GOD If you're older, you're smarter. oh my GOD oh my GOD 395 oh my GOD 00:22:14,649 --> 00:22:17,068 oh my GOD How many people here, oh my GOD by applause, are 45 or older? oh my GOD oh my GOD 396 oh my GOD 00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:18,652 oh my GOD 45 or older, applaud. oh my GOD oh my GOD 397 oh my GOD 00:22:20,122 --> 00:22:21,956 oh my GOD Ok. oh my GOD oh my GOD 398 oh my GOD 00:22:21,990 --> 00:22:27,111 oh my GOD That's about 60 people oh my GOD out of 2,400. oh my GOD oh my GOD 399 oh my GOD 00:22:27,129 --> 00:22:30,948 oh my GOD Here's the interesting thing. oh my GOD There's way more. I can see you. oh my GOD oh my GOD 400 oh my GOD 00:22:30,966 --> 00:22:33,551 oh my GOD There's so many more. oh my GOD oh my GOD 401 oh my GOD 00:22:33,585 --> 00:22:34,952 oh my GOD This is arizona. oh my GOD oh my GOD 402 oh my GOD 00:22:34,970 --> 00:22:38,055 oh my GOD There are way more people oh my GOD in that demographic, oh my GOD oh my GOD 403 oh my GOD 00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:40,290 oh my GOD But they didn't clap. oh my GOD oh my GOD 404 oh my GOD 00:22:40,308 --> 00:22:43,460 oh my GOD Why? 'cause they're smart. oh my GOD oh my GOD 405 oh my GOD 00:22:43,478 --> 00:22:45,262 oh my GOD They're sitting in the dark oh my GOD going, "I don't have to clap. oh my GOD oh my GOD 406 oh my GOD 00:22:45,296 --> 00:22:47,064 oh my GOD I don't have to do anything." oh my GOD oh my GOD 407 oh my GOD 00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:49,934 oh my GOD They're not doing it, oh my GOD and they're right. oh my GOD oh my GOD 408 oh my GOD 00:22:49,968 --> 00:22:52,803 oh my GOD You know why? oh my GOD 'cause never identify yourself. oh my GOD oh my GOD 409 oh my GOD 00:22:52,821 --> 00:22:56,273 oh my GOD Never. Are you crazy? oh my GOD You don't know why I'm asking. oh my GOD oh my GOD 410 oh my GOD 00:22:56,307 --> 00:22:57,658 oh my GOD How do you know what-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 411 oh my GOD 00:22:57,692 --> 00:22:59,693 oh my GOD Ok. Burn them all. oh my GOD Burn everybody over 45. oh my GOD oh my GOD 412 oh my GOD 00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:02,980 oh my GOD How do you know oh my GOD I'm not gonna do that? oh my GOD oh my GOD 413 oh my GOD 00:23:06,835 --> 00:23:09,653 oh my GOD How many people here, oh my GOD by applause, are 40 or younger? oh my GOD oh my GOD 414 oh my GOD 00:23:09,671 --> 00:23:11,038 oh my GOD 40 or younger, applaud. oh my GOD oh my GOD 415 oh my GOD 00:23:12,340 --> 00:23:16,827 oh my GOD That's every time. oh my GOD whoo! Whoo! every time. oh my GOD oh my GOD 416 oh my GOD 00:23:16,845 --> 00:23:20,598 oh my GOD That is a weird thing oh my GOD to celebrate oh my GOD oh my GOD 417 oh my GOD 00:23:20,632 --> 00:23:23,167 oh my GOD In a room where you're oh my GOD not the only people here. oh my GOD oh my GOD 418 oh my GOD 00:23:23,185 --> 00:23:24,852 oh my GOD That's like going oh my GOD to a cancer ward-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 419 oh my GOD 00:23:24,886 --> 00:23:26,937 oh my GOD "not me! Whoo! 420 00:23:26,972 --> 00:23:32,810 I don't have it! I don't have it!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 421 oh my GOD 00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:40,034 oh my GOD If you're older, you're smarter. oh my GOD oh my GOD 422 oh my GOD 00:23:40,068 --> 00:23:45,022 oh my GOD A 55-year-old garbage man oh my GOD is a million times smarter oh my GOD oh my GOD 423 oh my GOD 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:49,026 oh my GOD Than a 28-year-old oh my GOD with three ph.D.S, oh my GOD oh my GOD 424 oh my GOD 00:23:49,044 --> 00:23:51,829 oh my GOD Especially smarter than him, oh my GOD 'cause this idiot oh my GOD oh my GOD 425 oh my GOD 00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:55,499 oh my GOD Has been thinking about three oh my GOD things for, like, 15 years. oh my GOD oh my GOD 426 oh my GOD 00:23:55,533 --> 00:23:58,469 oh my GOD He's worthless. oh my GOD oh my GOD 427 oh my GOD 00:23:58,503 --> 00:24:00,704 oh my GOD The garbage man is 55. oh my GOD oh my GOD 428 oh my GOD 00:24:00,722 --> 00:24:03,808 oh my GOD He's had some experience. oh my GOD Things have happened to him. oh my GOD oh my GOD 429 oh my GOD 00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:05,559 oh my GOD He went to cape cod one summer. oh my GOD oh my GOD 430 oh my GOD 00:24:05,594 --> 00:24:08,879 oh my GOD He saw a dead guy oh my GOD floating in the motel pool. oh my GOD oh my GOD 431 oh my GOD 00:24:12,767 --> 00:24:16,220 oh my GOD He took a bus to montreal. oh my GOD oh my GOD 432 oh my GOD 00:24:20,275 --> 00:24:23,577 oh my GOD He got a hand job at a fair... oh my GOD oh my GOD 433 oh my GOD 00:24:25,914 --> 00:24:27,898 oh my GOD From a miner. oh my GOD oh my GOD 434 oh my GOD 00:24:33,088 --> 00:24:36,757 oh my GOD I mean a miner. oh my GOD oh my GOD 435 oh my GOD 00:24:36,791 --> 00:24:40,461 oh my GOD Not a minor, a miner. oh my GOD oh my GOD 436 oh my GOD 00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:44,748 oh my GOD You understand? A miner. oh my GOD oh my GOD 437 oh my GOD 00:24:44,766 --> 00:24:48,219 oh my GOD A grown man who works in a mine oh my GOD oh my GOD 438 oh my GOD 00:24:48,253 --> 00:24:51,588 oh my GOD With dirty hands oh my GOD jacked him off at a county fair. oh my GOD oh my GOD 439 oh my GOD 00:24:51,606 --> 00:24:54,808 oh my GOD That's what I'm saying happened oh my GOD to the 55-year-old. oh my GOD oh my GOD 440 oh my GOD 00:24:54,860 --> 00:24:58,145 oh my GOD You see? oh my GOD He's had some experience. oh my GOD oh my GOD 441 oh my GOD 00:24:58,196 --> 00:24:59,930 oh my GOD He knows more. oh my GOD oh my GOD 442 oh my GOD 00:24:59,948 --> 00:25:01,815 oh my GOD More has happened to him. oh my GOD He's seen more. oh my GOD oh my GOD 443 oh my GOD 00:25:01,867 --> 00:25:02,933 oh my GOD He's seen history. oh my GOD oh my GOD 444 oh my GOD 00:25:02,951 --> 00:25:04,318 oh my GOD He's witnessed history, oh my GOD oh my GOD 445 oh my GOD 00:25:04,369 --> 00:25:05,953 oh my GOD Even if it's not oh my GOD ancient history. oh my GOD oh my GOD 446 oh my GOD 00:25:05,987 --> 00:25:08,822 oh my GOD He saw nixon resign oh my GOD on live television. oh my GOD oh my GOD 447 oh my GOD 00:25:08,874 --> 00:25:10,574 oh my GOD Me and those few people oh my GOD that clapped, oh my GOD oh my GOD 448 oh my GOD 00:25:10,608 --> 00:25:15,162 oh my GOD We saw oh my GOD the president of america cry oh my GOD oh my GOD 449 oh my GOD 00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:18,499 oh my GOD And then quit being oh my GOD the president. oh my GOD oh my GOD 450 oh my GOD 00:25:18,550 --> 00:25:21,919 oh my GOD That shit was crazy oh my GOD oh my GOD 451 oh my GOD 00:25:21,953 --> 00:25:24,889 oh my GOD 'cause none of us knew oh my GOD what was gonna happen next. oh my GOD oh my GOD 452 oh my GOD 00:25:24,923 --> 00:25:26,056 oh my GOD Today people are like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 453 oh my GOD 00:25:26,091 --> 00:25:27,841 oh my GOD "the president's kind of disappointing." oh my GOD oh my GOD 454 oh my GOD 00:25:27,893 --> 00:25:28,926 oh my GOD Really? oh my GOD oh my GOD 455 oh my GOD 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,979 oh my GOD Our president wept oh my GOD like an insane person oh my GOD oh my GOD 456 oh my GOD 00:25:32,013 --> 00:25:35,566 oh my GOD And then got on a helicopter oh my GOD and flew away... oh my GOD oh my GOD 457 oh my GOD 00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:45,826 oh my GOD And the whole nation oh my GOD just watched him go. oh my GOD oh my GOD 458 oh my GOD 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,427 oh my GOD I like getting older, though, oh my GOD because for me, oh my GOD oh my GOD 459 oh my GOD 00:26:03,461 --> 00:26:05,429 oh my GOD The kind of guy I am, oh my GOD getting older oh my GOD oh my GOD 460 oh my GOD 00:26:05,463 --> 00:26:07,164 oh my GOD Makes my life better, you know, oh my GOD oh my GOD 461 oh my GOD 00:26:07,182 --> 00:26:10,050 oh my GOD Like, my sex life, oh my GOD way better at 45, oh my GOD oh my GOD 462 oh my GOD 00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:15,940 oh my GOD Look, 'cause this situation oh my GOD is ok at 45. oh my GOD oh my GOD 463 oh my GOD 00:26:15,974 --> 00:26:21,111 oh my GOD This is not a fun kind oh my GOD of a 17-year-old to be. oh my GOD oh my GOD 464 oh my GOD 00:26:21,146 --> 00:26:22,896 oh my GOD And some people, their life oh my GOD is better when they're younger. oh my GOD oh my GOD 465 oh my GOD 00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:25,783 oh my GOD You know, young dudes, oh my GOD young, skinny dudes, oh my GOD oh my GOD 466 oh my GOD 00:26:25,817 --> 00:26:30,237 oh my GOD Best life in the world oh my GOD is being a young, skinny dude. oh my GOD oh my GOD 467 oh my GOD 00:26:30,288 --> 00:26:32,122 oh my GOD They don't have to do anything. oh my GOD oh my GOD 468 oh my GOD 00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:34,124 oh my GOD They just show up oh my GOD oh my GOD 469 oh my GOD 00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:38,829 oh my GOD With a big adam's apple oh my GOD and a smelly t-shirt. oh my GOD oh my GOD 470 oh my GOD 00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:42,249 oh my GOD "hey, I'm here for the easy pussy for the rest of my life." oh my GOD oh my GOD 471 oh my GOD 00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:52,893 oh my GOD "so where do I-- everywhere? Ok. Cool." oh my GOD oh my GOD 472 oh my GOD 00:26:56,681 --> 00:27:00,401 oh my GOD But for guys like me, oh my GOD this is not a fun youth. oh my GOD oh my GOD 473 oh my GOD 00:27:00,435 --> 00:27:02,219 oh my GOD It gets better. oh my GOD oh my GOD 474 oh my GOD 00:27:02,237 --> 00:27:05,572 oh my GOD I'd like to make one of those oh my GOD it gets better ads oh my GOD oh my GOD 475 oh my GOD 00:27:05,607 --> 00:27:08,325 oh my GOD For just dumpy, young guys. oh my GOD oh my GOD 476 oh my GOD 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,695 oh my GOD We could use a little help, oh my GOD a little encouragement, oh my GOD oh my GOD 477 oh my GOD 00:27:11,729 --> 00:27:13,497 oh my GOD Just somebody on tv, oh my GOD "listen, man. 478 00:27:13,531 --> 00:27:15,616 I know it's tough right now." oh my GOD oh my GOD 479 oh my GOD 00:27:15,667 --> 00:27:19,453 oh my GOD "you're vaguely heavy with no face. 480 00:27:19,504 --> 00:27:23,791 you have zero value" oh my GOD on the sexual marketplace. oh my GOD oh my GOD 481 oh my GOD 00:27:23,842 --> 00:27:28,045 oh my GOD "you feel invisible to the girls in school because you are, 482 00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:32,800 but it gets better" oh my GOD because you'll all grow up, oh my GOD oh my GOD 483 oh my GOD 00:27:32,851 --> 00:27:35,886 oh my GOD "and you pretty much look just like this your whole life, 484 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,438 and they don't." oh my GOD oh my GOD 485 oh my GOD 00:27:37,472 --> 00:27:40,641 oh my GOD "their options start running out really fast, 486 00:27:40,692 --> 00:27:42,559 and you're gonna be there." oh my GOD oh my GOD 487 oh my GOD 00:27:42,593 --> 00:27:44,978 oh my GOD "as long as you stay relatively employed and washed, 488 00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:48,098 you're gonna be amazing" oh my GOD in your 40s. oh my GOD oh my GOD 489 oh my GOD 00:27:48,116 --> 00:27:49,366 oh my GOD "you're gonna be-- 490 00:27:49,401 --> 00:27:51,368 you're gonna be the branch" oh my GOD that she can grab oh my GOD oh my GOD 491 oh my GOD 00:27:51,403 --> 00:27:53,120 oh my GOD "before she hits the ground. 492 00:27:53,154 --> 00:27:55,772 it's gonna be so great." oh my GOD oh my GOD 493 oh my GOD 00:27:55,790 --> 00:28:00,377 oh my GOD "it just takes time for her circumstances 494 00:28:00,412 --> 00:28:03,213 to match your looks," oh my GOD but it's gonna happen. oh my GOD oh my GOD 495 oh my GOD 00:28:03,248 --> 00:28:05,499 oh my GOD "it's gonna happen. 496 00:28:05,550 --> 00:28:07,084 when real shit matters," oh my GOD oh my GOD 497 oh my GOD 00:28:07,118 --> 00:28:10,787 oh my GOD You're gonna be the sexiest oh my GOD motherfucker in the world." oh my GOD oh my GOD 498 oh my GOD 00:28:10,805 --> 00:28:12,456 oh my GOD It's just time. oh my GOD That's all it takes. oh my GOD oh my GOD 499 oh my GOD 00:28:12,474 --> 00:28:13,891 oh my GOD There's a formula to this. oh my GOD oh my GOD 500 oh my GOD 00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:17,394 oh my GOD It's pussy plus time oh my GOD over income squared. oh my GOD oh my GOD 501 oh my GOD 00:28:26,071 --> 00:28:29,990 oh my GOD Everybody has their time. oh my GOD Everybody has their time. oh my GOD oh my GOD 502 oh my GOD 00:28:30,024 --> 00:28:32,910 oh my GOD I mean, not everybody. oh my GOD oh my GOD 503 oh my GOD 00:28:32,944 --> 00:28:36,697 oh my GOD There are people out there who oh my GOD there's just nobody for them. oh my GOD oh my GOD 504 oh my GOD 00:28:36,748 --> 00:28:39,816 oh my GOD Yep. oh my GOD oh my GOD 505 oh my GOD 00:28:39,834 --> 00:28:42,953 oh my GOD People like to say things like, oh my GOD there's someone for everyone. oh my GOD oh my GOD 506 oh my GOD 00:28:42,987 --> 00:28:45,339 oh my GOD Nope! oh my GOD oh my GOD 507 oh my GOD 00:28:45,373 --> 00:28:47,841 oh my GOD Not at all true, oh my GOD and stop saying it oh my GOD oh my GOD 508 oh my GOD 00:28:47,876 --> 00:28:51,512 oh my GOD 'cause it's mean to people oh my GOD who never find anybody. oh my GOD oh my GOD 509 oh my GOD 00:28:51,546 --> 00:28:52,963 oh my GOD There are millions oh my GOD of people out there oh my GOD oh my GOD 510 oh my GOD 00:28:52,997 --> 00:28:55,549 oh my GOD Who we've all oh my GOD unanimously decided, oh my GOD oh my GOD 511 oh my GOD 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:57,468 oh my GOD They are light speed ugly oh my GOD oh my GOD 512 oh my GOD 00:28:57,502 --> 00:29:00,387 oh my GOD And nobody kisses them oh my GOD on the lips, even. oh my GOD oh my GOD 513 oh my GOD 00:29:00,438 --> 00:29:02,606 oh my GOD Nobody touches their genitals oh my GOD their entire life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 514 oh my GOD 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:04,224 oh my GOD They just wash it, oh my GOD and then they die. oh my GOD oh my GOD 515 oh my GOD 00:29:04,275 --> 00:29:06,977 oh my GOD That's all that happens, oh my GOD oh my GOD 516 oh my GOD 00:29:07,011 --> 00:29:09,029 oh my GOD aww, and if you're oh my GOD feeling bad for them, oh my GOD oh my GOD 517 oh my GOD 00:29:09,063 --> 00:29:10,981 oh my GOD You can go find one oh my GOD and fuck one tomorrow, oh my GOD oh my GOD 518 oh my GOD 00:29:11,015 --> 00:29:16,120 oh my GOD You can just solve the problem oh my GOD right there oh my GOD oh my GOD 519 oh my GOD 00:29:16,154 --> 00:29:20,190 oh my GOD With all that kindness oh my GOD in your heart. oh my GOD oh my GOD 520 oh my GOD 00:29:20,208 --> 00:29:24,461 oh my GOD aww. well, go fuck one. oh my GOD nah. I didn't think so. oh my GOD oh my GOD 521 oh my GOD 00:29:27,132 --> 00:29:29,383 oh my GOD That's the one way oh my GOD we're all mean. oh my GOD oh my GOD 522 oh my GOD 00:29:29,417 --> 00:29:34,555 oh my GOD Nobody does that. oh my GOD Nobody fucks down, nobody. oh my GOD oh my GOD 523 oh my GOD 00:29:34,589 --> 00:29:37,224 oh my GOD People fuck up or across. oh my GOD oh my GOD 524 oh my GOD 00:29:43,348 --> 00:29:45,182 oh my GOD Some women fuck down oh my GOD because a guy oh my GOD oh my GOD 525 oh my GOD 00:29:45,216 --> 00:29:47,401 oh my GOD Talked them into that it was up. oh my GOD oh my GOD 526 oh my GOD 00:29:47,435 --> 00:29:52,489 oh my GOD Some guy, "yeah. No. You should. oh my GOD I'm totally up. Yeah." oh my GOD oh my GOD 527 oh my GOD 00:29:52,524 --> 00:29:55,359 oh my GOD It's a weird selection process oh my GOD that we have. oh my GOD oh my GOD 528 oh my GOD 00:29:55,393 --> 00:29:56,860 oh my GOD Dating really is-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 529 oh my GOD 00:29:56,894 --> 00:29:58,495 oh my GOD It's how we evolve, is dating. oh my GOD oh my GOD 530 oh my GOD 00:29:58,530 --> 00:29:59,997 oh my GOD It's how we oh my GOD choose each other, oh my GOD oh my GOD 531 oh my GOD 00:30:00,031 --> 00:30:01,898 oh my GOD And dating is a real drag oh my GOD for a lot of people, oh my GOD oh my GOD 532 oh my GOD 00:30:01,916 --> 00:30:03,400 oh my GOD But I always think oh my GOD it's a nice thing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 533 oh my GOD 00:30:03,418 --> 00:30:04,701 oh my GOD You know, when I see a date, oh my GOD oh my GOD 534 oh my GOD 00:30:04,735 --> 00:30:06,753 oh my GOD I'm always happy when I see oh my GOD a couple on a date oh my GOD oh my GOD 535 oh my GOD 00:30:06,788 --> 00:30:09,840 oh my GOD 'cause it means people oh my GOD are still trying, you know? oh my GOD oh my GOD 536 oh my GOD 00:30:09,874 --> 00:30:10,907 oh my GOD You see a couple on a date, oh my GOD oh my GOD 537 oh my GOD 00:30:10,925 --> 00:30:12,926 oh my GOD It means there's still oh my GOD courage out there. oh my GOD oh my GOD 538 oh my GOD 00:30:12,961 --> 00:30:15,963 oh my GOD That takes courage, to go oh my GOD on a date, for both sides, oh my GOD oh my GOD 539 oh my GOD 00:30:16,014 --> 00:30:17,464 oh my GOD Two very different kinds oh my GOD of courage. oh my GOD oh my GOD 540 oh my GOD 00:30:17,515 --> 00:30:19,916 oh my GOD The male courage, oh my GOD traditionally speaking, oh my GOD oh my GOD 541 oh my GOD 00:30:19,934 --> 00:30:22,269 oh my GOD Is that he decided to ask. oh my GOD oh my GOD 542 oh my GOD 00:30:22,303 --> 00:30:24,254 oh my GOD He went up to a random woman oh my GOD who he has no idea oh my GOD oh my GOD 543 oh my GOD 00:30:24,272 --> 00:30:25,589 oh my GOD If she's gonna like him or not oh my GOD oh my GOD 544 oh my GOD 00:30:25,607 --> 00:30:27,441 oh my GOD And he walked up to her oh my GOD terrified. oh my GOD oh my GOD 545 oh my GOD 00:30:27,475 --> 00:30:28,775 oh my GOD Everything in your body oh my GOD is telling you, oh my GOD oh my GOD 546 oh my GOD 00:30:28,810 --> 00:30:30,444 oh my GOD "just go the fuck home and jerk off. 547 00:30:30,478 --> 00:30:33,780 Don't do this!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 548 oh my GOD 00:30:33,815 --> 00:30:38,318 oh my GOD But he walked up and said, oh my GOD hi. Yes, oh my GOD oh my GOD 549 oh my GOD 00:30:38,369 --> 00:30:40,204 oh my GOD And she's like, "" oh my GOD oh my GOD 550 oh my GOD 00:30:40,238 --> 00:30:42,606 oh my GOD "no, no, no. A second. Give me a second," oh my GOD oh my GOD 551 oh my GOD 00:30:42,624 --> 00:30:46,043 oh my GOD And you try to get through oh my GOD this membrane of, you know-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 552 oh my GOD 00:30:46,077 --> 00:30:47,377 oh my GOD And then, if it works oh my GOD oh my GOD 553 oh my GOD 00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:49,329 oh my GOD And you say, oh my GOD you wanna go out sometime? oh my GOD oh my GOD 554 oh my GOD 00:30:49,380 --> 00:30:51,999 oh my GOD Sometimes she'll say yes, oh my GOD and if she says yes, oh my GOD oh my GOD 555 oh my GOD 00:30:52,050 --> 00:30:54,301 oh my GOD That's her courage, oh my GOD and the courage it takes oh my GOD oh my GOD 556 oh my GOD 00:30:54,335 --> 00:30:58,255 oh my GOD For a woman to say yes is oh my GOD beyond anything I can imagine. oh my GOD oh my GOD 557 oh my GOD 00:30:58,289 --> 00:31:03,176 oh my GOD A woman saying yes to a date oh my GOD with a man is literally insane oh my GOD oh my GOD 558 oh my GOD 00:31:03,228 --> 00:31:08,348 oh my GOD And ill-advised, oh my GOD and the whole species' existence oh my GOD oh my GOD 559 oh my GOD 00:31:08,399 --> 00:31:11,968 oh my GOD Counts on them doing it, oh my GOD and I don't know how they-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 560 oh my GOD 00:31:11,986 --> 00:31:14,938 oh my GOD How do women still go out with oh my GOD guys when you consider the fact oh my GOD oh my GOD 561 oh my GOD 00:31:14,972 --> 00:31:18,492 oh my GOD That there is no greater threat oh my GOD to women than men? oh my GOD oh my GOD 562 oh my GOD 00:31:18,526 --> 00:31:22,162 oh my GOD We're the number-one oh my GOD threat to women. oh my GOD oh my GOD 563 oh my GOD 00:31:22,196 --> 00:31:25,165 oh my GOD Globally and historically, oh my GOD we're the number-one cause oh my GOD oh my GOD 564 oh my GOD 00:31:25,199 --> 00:31:28,035 oh my GOD Of injury and mayhem to women. oh my GOD oh my GOD 565 oh my GOD 00:31:28,086 --> 00:31:31,038 oh my GOD We're the worst thing oh my GOD that ever happens to them. oh my GOD oh my GOD 566 oh my GOD 00:31:31,089 --> 00:31:32,756 oh my GOD That's true. oh my GOD oh my GOD 567 oh my GOD 00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:34,258 oh my GOD You know what oh my GOD our number-one threat is? oh my GOD oh my GOD 568 oh my GOD 00:31:34,292 --> 00:31:36,760 oh my GOD Heart disease. oh my GOD That's the whole thing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 569 oh my GOD 00:31:36,794 --> 00:31:40,013 oh my GOD That's it, just our own heart oh my GOD going, "dude, I can't-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 570 oh my GOD 00:31:40,048 --> 00:31:42,015 oh my GOD "you can't keep doing this. 571 00:31:42,050 --> 00:31:47,220 I told you three strokes ago that this is not smart," oh my GOD oh my GOD 572 oh my GOD 00:31:47,272 --> 00:31:49,723 oh my GOD But women still-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 573 oh my GOD 00:31:49,774 --> 00:31:52,609 oh my GOD "yeah. I'll go out with you alone at night." oh my GOD oh my GOD 574 oh my GOD 00:31:52,644 --> 00:31:55,896 oh my GOD What are you, nuts? oh my GOD oh my GOD 575 oh my GOD 00:31:55,947 --> 00:31:58,649 oh my GOD "I'll get in your car with you with my little shoulders. 576 00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:00,350 Hi. Where are we going?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 577 oh my GOD 00:32:00,368 --> 00:32:05,021 oh my GOD to your death, statistically. oh my GOD oh my GOD 578 oh my GOD 00:32:05,039 --> 00:32:08,659 oh my GOD How do they still do it? oh my GOD oh my GOD 579 oh my GOD 00:32:08,693 --> 00:32:11,695 oh my GOD If you're a guy, try to imagine oh my GOD that you could only date oh my GOD oh my GOD 580 oh my GOD 00:32:11,713 --> 00:32:14,715 oh my GOD A half-bear, half-lion, oh my GOD oh my GOD 581 oh my GOD 00:32:14,749 --> 00:32:18,418 oh my GOD And you're like, oh my GOD "I hope this one's nice. 582 00:32:18,469 --> 00:32:22,139 I hope he doesn't do what he's going to do." oh my GOD oh my GOD 583 oh my GOD 00:32:29,564 --> 00:32:32,065 oh my GOD I always-- oh my GOD I love when I see a date. oh my GOD oh my GOD 584 oh my GOD 00:32:32,100 --> 00:32:34,101 oh my GOD You know, when you see a date, oh my GOD you can tell it's the first date oh my GOD oh my GOD 585 oh my GOD 00:32:34,152 --> 00:32:36,069 oh my GOD 'cause of the way they're oh my GOD walking together oh my GOD oh my GOD 586 oh my GOD 00:32:36,104 --> 00:32:38,822 oh my GOD And she's looking up at his face oh my GOD trying to figure him out, oh my GOD oh my GOD 587 oh my GOD 00:32:38,856 --> 00:32:42,225 oh my GOD And he's just a mess. oh my GOD oh my GOD 588 oh my GOD 00:32:42,243 --> 00:32:46,747 oh my GOD A guy on a first date oh my GOD just has no actual personality. oh my GOD oh my GOD 589 oh my GOD 00:32:46,781 --> 00:32:48,898 oh my GOD He's just a mishmash oh my GOD oh my GOD 590 oh my GOD 00:32:48,916 --> 00:32:52,285 oh my GOD Of different kinds of dudes oh my GOD for a couple of seconds each, oh my GOD oh my GOD 591 oh my GOD 00:32:52,337 --> 00:32:55,372 oh my GOD Just anything, no cohesive-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 592 oh my GOD 00:32:55,406 --> 00:32:59,126 oh my GOD Just like a ransom note oh my GOD cut out of a lot of magazines, oh my GOD oh my GOD 593 oh my GOD 00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:00,761 oh my GOD Just, you know, "well... oh my GOD oh my GOD 594 oh my GOD 00:33:00,795 --> 00:33:03,213 oh my GOD "ha ha! 595 00:33:03,247 --> 00:33:04,598 well, yes. I think so, too." oh my GOD oh my GOD 596 oh my GOD 00:33:04,632 --> 00:33:06,383 oh my GOD Ha ha! Rrgh..." oh my GOD oh my GOD 597 oh my GOD 00:33:06,417 --> 00:33:09,052 oh my GOD Whatever, just like oh my GOD a blind dick in space oh my GOD oh my GOD 598 oh my GOD 00:33:09,086 --> 00:33:12,639 oh my GOD Just thrusting oh my GOD in infinite directions oh my GOD oh my GOD 599 oh my GOD 00:33:12,690 --> 00:33:18,445 oh my GOD Hoping to find pay dirt oh my GOD at someplace, oh my GOD oh my GOD 600 oh my GOD 00:33:18,479 --> 00:33:20,364 oh my GOD And then sometimes oh my GOD you see a date oh my GOD oh my GOD 601 oh my GOD 00:33:20,398 --> 00:33:22,265 oh my GOD That's later down the line oh my GOD and something has happened. oh my GOD oh my GOD 602 oh my GOD 00:33:22,300 --> 00:33:23,767 oh my GOD There's something oh my GOD that happens in a date oh my GOD oh my GOD 603 oh my GOD 00:33:23,785 --> 00:33:25,736 oh my GOD That I never get to witness oh my GOD 'cause women do this. oh my GOD oh my GOD 604 oh my GOD 00:33:25,770 --> 00:33:27,120 oh my GOD They get to do it inside. oh my GOD oh my GOD 605 oh my GOD 00:33:27,155 --> 00:33:29,706 oh my GOD They get to just decide quietly, oh my GOD I'm gonna let him fuck me. oh my GOD oh my GOD 606 oh my GOD 00:33:29,741 --> 00:33:30,791 oh my GOD They just get to decide. oh my GOD oh my GOD 607 oh my GOD 00:33:30,825 --> 00:33:32,492 oh my GOD Something he says, oh my GOD and she's like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 608 oh my GOD 00:33:32,543 --> 00:33:34,294 oh my GOD "that was good. He's gonna fuck me later," oh my GOD oh my GOD 609 oh my GOD 00:33:34,328 --> 00:33:36,797 oh my GOD And he has no idea. oh my GOD oh my GOD 610 oh my GOD 00:33:36,831 --> 00:33:38,832 oh my GOD He's still, like, oh my GOD trying all this shit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 611 oh my GOD 00:33:38,883 --> 00:33:43,170 oh my GOD He still has no idea oh my GOD he's already in there. oh my GOD oh my GOD 612 oh my GOD 00:33:48,092 --> 00:33:49,643 oh my GOD Guys are-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 613 oh my GOD 00:33:49,677 --> 00:33:51,478 oh my GOD We love women a lot-- oh my GOD all men do-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 614 oh my GOD 00:33:51,512 --> 00:33:52,962 oh my GOD And we just look at you. oh my GOD oh my GOD 615 oh my GOD 00:33:52,980 --> 00:33:54,398 oh my GOD That's what I do. oh my GOD I just look at women. oh my GOD oh my GOD 616 oh my GOD 00:33:54,432 --> 00:33:56,233 oh my GOD I just--"" oh my GOD oh my GOD 617 oh my GOD 00:33:56,267 --> 00:33:58,351 oh my GOD Like they're, you know, oh my GOD cakes in windows. oh my GOD oh my GOD 618 oh my GOD 00:33:58,403 --> 00:34:01,021 oh my GOD I just--"" oh my GOD oh my GOD 619 oh my GOD 00:34:01,072 --> 00:34:02,989 oh my GOD I was walking in new york once, oh my GOD oh my GOD 620 oh my GOD 00:34:03,024 --> 00:34:05,141 oh my GOD And there's these two very cute oh my GOD women walking behind me, oh my GOD oh my GOD 621 oh my GOD 00:34:05,159 --> 00:34:07,143 oh my GOD And I was trying to walk slowly oh my GOD so I could hear oh my GOD oh my GOD 622 oh my GOD 00:34:07,161 --> 00:34:09,196 oh my GOD What they were saying oh my GOD to each other, you know, oh my GOD oh my GOD 623 oh my GOD 00:34:09,247 --> 00:34:11,648 oh my GOD 'cause they were cute, oh my GOD so I wanted to hear them, oh my GOD oh my GOD 624 oh my GOD 00:34:11,666 --> 00:34:14,618 oh my GOD Like that's gonna help me oh my GOD in any way, to hear their-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 625 oh my GOD 00:34:14,652 --> 00:34:16,036 oh my GOD "don't you wish the guy walking in front of us 626 00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:18,422 Would squeeze our tits for, like, one second?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 627 oh my GOD 00:34:26,330 --> 00:34:28,498 oh my GOD Ok. oh my GOD oh my GOD 628 oh my GOD 00:34:30,134 --> 00:34:31,685 oh my GOD Here. oh my GOD oh my GOD 629 oh my GOD 00:34:33,020 --> 00:34:35,839 oh my GOD Here I go. Thank you. oh my GOD oh my GOD 630 oh my GOD 00:34:40,361 --> 00:34:44,514 oh my GOD It's really a flaw in men oh my GOD that we would all do that. oh my GOD oh my GOD 631 oh my GOD 00:34:44,532 --> 00:34:47,567 oh my GOD If you're a woman, you could ask oh my GOD any guy on planet earth, oh my GOD oh my GOD 632 oh my GOD 00:34:47,618 --> 00:34:49,569 oh my GOD "could you squeeze my tit for one second?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 633 oh my GOD 00:34:49,620 --> 00:34:54,023 oh my GOD And 100% of us will go, oh my GOD yes, of course. oh my GOD oh my GOD 634 oh my GOD 00:34:54,041 --> 00:34:55,742 oh my GOD That doesn't matter. oh my GOD oh my GOD 635 oh my GOD 00:34:55,793 --> 00:34:57,160 oh my GOD I could be doing oh my GOD open heart surgery. oh my GOD oh my GOD 636 oh my GOD 00:34:57,194 --> 00:34:58,745 oh my GOD yeah. Ok. oh my GOD oh my GOD 637 oh my GOD 00:34:58,796 --> 00:35:00,130 oh my GOD Beep! "don't worry. oh my GOD oh my GOD 638 oh my GOD 00:35:00,164 --> 00:35:02,833 oh my GOD He's not your tits. oh my GOD Don't worry about it." oh my GOD oh my GOD 639 oh my GOD 00:35:02,867 --> 00:35:04,801 oh my GOD I don't know why oh my GOD we love tits so much. oh my GOD oh my GOD 640 oh my GOD 00:35:04,836 --> 00:35:09,172 oh my GOD Some people say it's because oh my GOD we breastfeed, but so do women, oh my GOD oh my GOD 641 oh my GOD 00:35:09,206 --> 00:35:12,726 oh my GOD Or, you know, baby women. oh my GOD oh my GOD 642 oh my GOD 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:17,397 oh my GOD Not grown-up women, oh my GOD don't usually-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 643 oh my GOD 00:35:17,431 --> 00:35:19,816 oh my GOD You don't see, like, oh my GOD a 68-year-old woman, oh my GOD oh my GOD 644 oh my GOD 00:35:19,851 --> 00:35:23,887 oh my GOD Like, a stately look-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 645 oh my GOD 00:35:23,905 --> 00:35:25,438 oh my GOD You know, like sigourney weaver, oh my GOD oh my GOD 646 oh my GOD 00:35:25,490 --> 00:35:29,075 oh my GOD Like, sucking milk oh my GOD out of a young woman's tit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 647 oh my GOD 00:35:33,030 --> 00:35:37,033 oh my GOD "thank you, deborah. I'll see you tomorrow at 2:00." oh my GOD oh my GOD 648 oh my GOD 00:35:38,870 --> 00:35:41,338 oh my GOD It's not usually the thing, oh my GOD oh my GOD 649 oh my GOD 00:35:41,372 --> 00:35:44,257 oh my GOD Is the elderly breastfeeding oh my GOD from the young, oh my GOD oh my GOD 650 oh my GOD 00:35:44,292 --> 00:35:46,960 oh my GOD Except for at the end oh my GOD of "the grapes of wrath," oh my GOD oh my GOD 651 oh my GOD 00:35:47,011 --> 00:35:49,129 oh my GOD Which I don't mean oh my GOD to ruin that book for you, oh my GOD oh my GOD 652 oh my GOD 00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:50,514 oh my GOD But you should have read it oh my GOD by now. oh my GOD oh my GOD 653 oh my GOD 00:35:50,548 --> 00:35:52,516 oh my GOD I don't know if you read oh my GOD the grapes of wrath, oh my GOD oh my GOD 654 oh my GOD 00:35:52,550 --> 00:35:55,802 oh my GOD But that's how it ends, oh my GOD with an old, dying man oh my GOD oh my GOD 655 oh my GOD 00:35:55,853 --> 00:35:58,688 oh my GOD Sucking milk oh my GOD out of a young girl's tits, oh my GOD oh my GOD 656 oh my GOD 00:35:58,723 --> 00:36:02,392 oh my GOD And then the book is over, oh my GOD and you're like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 657 oh my GOD 00:36:02,426 --> 00:36:07,030 oh my GOD "jesus! What happened at the end there? 658 00:36:07,064 --> 00:36:09,649 That's crazy." oh my GOD oh my GOD 659 oh my GOD 00:36:09,684 --> 00:36:11,568 oh my GOD There's no other book oh my GOD in that genre. oh my GOD oh my GOD 660 oh my GOD 00:36:11,602 --> 00:36:15,438 oh my GOD There's no dense, oh my GOD historic classic oh my GOD oh my GOD 661 oh my GOD 00:36:15,456 --> 00:36:19,409 oh my GOD That ends with a weird, oh my GOD porny paragraph at the very-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 662 oh my GOD 00:36:19,443 --> 00:36:22,546 oh my GOD "and then anna karenina shat on his chest." oh my GOD oh my GOD 663 oh my GOD 00:36:22,580 --> 00:36:28,051 oh my GOD holy moly with that! oh my GOD oh my GOD 664 oh my GOD 00:36:28,085 --> 00:36:29,169 oh my GOD the end. oh my GOD oh my GOD 665 oh my GOD 00:36:29,220 --> 00:36:32,956 oh my GOD "my god! 666 00:36:32,974 --> 00:36:36,893 that is a violent shift in tone" oh my GOD at the end of that book. oh my GOD oh my GOD 667 oh my GOD 00:36:36,928 --> 00:36:39,295 oh my GOD I've been reading this book oh my GOD for three months." oh my GOD oh my GOD 668 oh my GOD 00:36:43,651 --> 00:36:47,737 oh my GOD But we do, we love tits, oh my GOD oh my GOD 669 oh my GOD 00:36:47,772 --> 00:36:51,024 oh my GOD And you always know a tit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 670 oh my GOD 00:36:51,075 --> 00:36:53,476 oh my GOD You always know a tit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 671 oh my GOD 00:36:53,494 --> 00:36:55,528 oh my GOD You know, like you ever been oh my GOD in a crowded place-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 672 oh my GOD 00:36:55,580 --> 00:36:59,983 oh my GOD Like a subway or like, oh my GOD you know, a sports stadium-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 673 oh my GOD 00:37:00,001 --> 00:37:01,918 oh my GOD And you're smooshed in oh my GOD with other people oh my GOD oh my GOD 674 oh my GOD 00:37:01,953 --> 00:37:04,320 oh my GOD And your elbow touches a tit oh my GOD behind you, you're like, oh my GOD oh my GOD 675 oh my GOD 00:37:04,338 --> 00:37:05,705 oh my GOD "that's a tit. I just touched it. 676 00:37:05,756 --> 00:37:08,825 I know that was a tit. I know it!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 677 oh my GOD 00:37:08,843 --> 00:37:12,512 oh my GOD Because the sensitivity oh my GOD of the male elbow oh my GOD oh my GOD 678 oh my GOD 00:37:12,546 --> 00:37:18,101 oh my GOD To tit flesh specifically oh my GOD is unbelievable, just to tits, oh my GOD oh my GOD 679 oh my GOD 00:37:18,135 --> 00:37:21,271 oh my GOD 'cause you could drive a tack oh my GOD in there, I'm not gonna feel it, oh my GOD oh my GOD 680 oh my GOD 00:37:21,305 --> 00:37:23,139 oh my GOD But a tit-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 681 oh my GOD 00:37:23,173 --> 00:37:26,676 oh my GOD Through a shirt and a sweater oh my GOD and a jacket oh my GOD oh my GOD 682 oh my GOD 00:37:26,694 --> 00:37:31,197 oh my GOD And her jacket, sweater, oh my GOD shirt and bra, somehow... oh my GOD oh my GOD 683 oh my GOD 00:37:31,232 --> 00:37:34,567 oh my GOD "it's a tit! I touched a tit! 684 00:37:34,619 --> 00:37:38,538 I touched a tit!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 685 oh my GOD 00:37:38,572 --> 00:37:43,209 oh my GOD I touched one tit. One tit." oh my GOD oh my GOD 686 oh my GOD 00:37:43,244 --> 00:37:46,579 oh my GOD That's rare, to touch one tit. oh my GOD It's like a four-leaf clover. oh my GOD oh my GOD 687 oh my GOD 00:37:50,918 --> 00:37:52,636 oh my GOD Usually, you touch two. oh my GOD oh my GOD 688 oh my GOD 00:37:52,670 --> 00:37:54,871 oh my GOD The only time you touch one tit oh my GOD is when it was an accident oh my GOD oh my GOD 689 oh my GOD 00:37:54,889 --> 00:37:57,390 oh my GOD Or you didn't have permission, oh my GOD oh my GOD 690 oh my GOD 00:37:57,425 --> 00:38:01,177 oh my GOD But otherwise... oh my GOD oh my GOD 691 oh my GOD 00:38:01,211 --> 00:38:03,563 oh my GOD When tit access is granted, oh my GOD oh my GOD 692 oh my GOD 00:38:03,597 --> 00:38:06,215 oh my GOD It's usually good oh my GOD for two tits at a time. oh my GOD oh my GOD 693 oh my GOD 00:38:06,233 --> 00:38:08,401 oh my GOD It's, once you're on one-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 694 oh my GOD 00:38:08,436 --> 00:38:12,355 oh my GOD You really have to screw up oh my GOD really badly and quickly oh my GOD oh my GOD 695 oh my GOD 00:38:12,389 --> 00:38:16,943 oh my GOD To lose tit access oh my GOD between tits one and two. oh my GOD oh my GOD 696 oh my GOD 00:38:16,994 --> 00:38:20,530 oh my GOD You must have said something oh my GOD really dumb on the first tit oh my GOD oh my GOD 697 oh my GOD 00:38:20,564 --> 00:38:22,916 oh my GOD That you didn't get oh my GOD the second one. oh my GOD oh my GOD 698 oh my GOD 00:38:22,950 --> 00:38:28,538 oh my GOD "yeah, it's like your mom's dirty whore tit." oh my GOD oh my GOD 699 oh my GOD 00:38:28,572 --> 00:38:30,874 oh my GOD "why? What? I said I liked it. 700 00:38:30,908 --> 00:38:33,176 that's what I meant," oh my GOD is that I like it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 701 oh my GOD 00:38:33,210 --> 00:38:36,713 oh my GOD "I like your mom's dirty whore tit, 702 00:38:36,747 --> 00:38:40,133 And I like yours," oh my GOD oh my GOD 703 oh my GOD 00:38:40,184 --> 00:38:43,053 oh my GOD And if it's up to the guy, oh my GOD we're gonna touch both tits. oh my GOD oh my GOD 704 oh my GOD 00:38:43,087 --> 00:38:45,021 oh my GOD No guy touches a tit oh my GOD and then goes, "you know what? oh my GOD oh my GOD 705 oh my GOD 00:38:45,056 --> 00:38:48,391 oh my GOD "I'm good with the one. That's fine for me. 706 00:38:48,425 --> 00:38:51,594 Everything in moderation." oh my GOD oh my GOD 707 oh my GOD 00:38:51,612 --> 00:38:53,279 oh my GOD We're gonna touch both, oh my GOD oh my GOD 708 oh my GOD 00:38:53,314 --> 00:38:56,099 oh my GOD Even if something terrible oh my GOD happens in the middle of-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 709 oh my GOD 00:38:56,117 --> 00:38:57,867 oh my GOD yeah-- oh my GOD there's a bomb! oh my GOD oh my GOD 710 oh my GOD 00:38:57,902 --> 00:38:59,903 oh my GOD "shit! Come on, let's get-- 711 00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:02,789 come on!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 712 oh my GOD 00:39:02,823 --> 00:39:06,109 oh my GOD Let's get your tits oh my GOD out of here!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 713 oh my GOD 00:39:08,879 --> 00:39:10,880 oh my GOD I've seen a few tits. oh my GOD oh my GOD 714 oh my GOD 00:39:10,915 --> 00:39:13,466 oh my GOD I've seen--I don't know-- oh my GOD 48 maybe. oh my GOD oh my GOD 715 oh my GOD 00:39:13,501 --> 00:39:16,586 oh my GOD I don't know. oh my GOD oh my GOD 716 oh my GOD 00:39:16,620 --> 00:39:19,556 oh my GOD I had my history oh my GOD in my life, you know? oh my GOD oh my GOD 717 oh my GOD 00:39:19,590 --> 00:39:21,474 oh my GOD I've been divorced oh my GOD for five years, oh my GOD oh my GOD 718 oh my GOD 00:39:21,509 --> 00:39:23,510 oh my GOD And it's been the best part oh my GOD of my life, being divorced, oh my GOD oh my GOD 719 oh my GOD 00:39:23,561 --> 00:39:25,979 oh my GOD Easily my favorite part oh my GOD of my life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 720 oh my GOD 00:39:26,013 --> 00:39:27,480 oh my GOD I love being divorced. oh my GOD oh my GOD 721 oh my GOD 00:39:27,515 --> 00:39:29,149 oh my GOD Every year has been oh my GOD better than the last. oh my GOD oh my GOD 722 oh my GOD 00:39:29,183 --> 00:39:30,433 oh my GOD That is the only time oh my GOD I can say that about, oh my GOD oh my GOD 723 oh my GOD 00:39:30,467 --> 00:39:32,569 oh my GOD And by the way, I'm not saying oh my GOD don't get married. oh my GOD oh my GOD 724 oh my GOD 00:39:32,603 --> 00:39:34,988 oh my GOD If you meet somebody, oh my GOD fall in love and get married, oh my GOD oh my GOD 725 oh my GOD 00:39:35,022 --> 00:39:37,190 oh my GOD And then get divorced oh my GOD because that's the best part. oh my GOD oh my GOD 726 oh my GOD 00:39:37,241 --> 00:39:39,409 oh my GOD It's the best part. oh my GOD oh my GOD 727 oh my GOD 00:39:39,443 --> 00:39:43,363 oh my GOD Marriage is just like a larva oh my GOD stage for true happiness, oh my GOD oh my GOD 728 oh my GOD 00:39:43,414 --> 00:39:45,314 oh my GOD Which is divorce, oh my GOD oh my GOD 729 oh my GOD 00:39:45,332 --> 00:39:48,818 oh my GOD Because you just let go oh my GOD and everything's fine now. oh my GOD oh my GOD 730 oh my GOD 00:39:48,836 --> 00:39:53,423 oh my GOD Divorce is forever. oh my GOD oh my GOD 731 oh my GOD 00:39:53,457 --> 00:39:56,325 oh my GOD It really actually is. oh my GOD oh my GOD 732 oh my GOD 00:39:56,343 --> 00:39:59,846 oh my GOD Marriage is for how long oh my GOD you can hack it, oh my GOD oh my GOD 733 oh my GOD 00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:05,051 oh my GOD But divorce just gets stronger oh my GOD like a piece of oak. oh my GOD oh my GOD 734 oh my GOD 00:40:05,102 --> 00:40:08,138 oh my GOD Nobody ever says, " oh my GOD my divorce is falling apart. oh my GOD oh my GOD 735 oh my GOD 00:40:08,172 --> 00:40:12,058 oh my GOD It's over. I can't take it." oh my GOD oh my GOD 736 oh my GOD 00:40:12,109 --> 00:40:14,510 oh my GOD And again, if you're oh my GOD in a good marriage, stay in it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 737 oh my GOD 00:40:14,528 --> 00:40:17,147 oh my GOD If you're in the best marriage oh my GOD ever, stay in it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 738 oh my GOD 00:40:17,181 --> 00:40:19,616 oh my GOD I'm just saying, if you got out, oh my GOD it would be better. oh my GOD oh my GOD 739 oh my GOD 00:40:19,650 --> 00:40:21,568 oh my GOD That's just a fact. I'm sorry. oh my GOD oh my GOD 740 oh my GOD 00:40:21,619 --> 00:40:24,621 oh my GOD I'm sorry, but it's true. oh my GOD oh my GOD 741 oh my GOD 00:40:24,655 --> 00:40:26,355 oh my GOD Everything's better. oh my GOD oh my GOD 742 oh my GOD 00:40:26,373 --> 00:40:27,690 oh my GOD My ex-wife and I, oh my GOD oh my GOD 743 oh my GOD 00:40:27,708 --> 00:40:29,358 oh my GOD This is the best part oh my GOD of our knowing each other. oh my GOD oh my GOD 744 oh my GOD 00:40:29,376 --> 00:40:32,912 oh my GOD We're good co-parents because oh my GOD we live apart and we're friends. oh my GOD oh my GOD 745 oh my GOD 00:40:32,963 --> 00:40:34,831 oh my GOD Our kids go to her oh my GOD half the week, oh my GOD oh my GOD 746 oh my GOD 00:40:34,865 --> 00:40:37,083 oh my GOD They come to me half the week, oh my GOD and I'm a good father. oh my GOD oh my GOD 747 oh my GOD 00:40:37,134 --> 00:40:39,669 oh my GOD I'm an attentive, focused, oh my GOD and responsible father. oh my GOD oh my GOD 748 oh my GOD 00:40:39,703 --> 00:40:41,054 oh my GOD Do you know why? oh my GOD oh my GOD 749 oh my GOD 00:40:41,088 --> 00:40:44,557 oh my GOD 'cause I get to say good-bye oh my GOD to these kids every week. oh my GOD oh my GOD 750 oh my GOD 00:40:44,592 --> 00:40:46,810 oh my GOD Are you shitting me? oh my GOD oh my GOD 751 oh my GOD 00:40:46,844 --> 00:40:50,546 oh my GOD It's like every parent's oh my GOD fantasy. oh my GOD oh my GOD 752 oh my GOD 00:40:50,564 --> 00:40:55,218 oh my GOD Who can't be a good father oh my GOD for half of every week? oh my GOD oh my GOD 753 oh my GOD 00:40:55,236 --> 00:40:56,903 oh my GOD No matter how bad it gets, oh my GOD every Wednesday, oh my GOD oh my GOD 754 oh my GOD 00:40:56,937 --> 00:40:59,105 oh my GOD I get to go, "good-bye, girls. oh my GOD oh my GOD 755 oh my GOD 00:40:59,156 --> 00:41:00,690 oh my GOD "daddy's gonna go upstairs and pour whiskey 756 00:41:00,724 --> 00:41:03,943 All over his naked body right now." oh my GOD oh my GOD 757 oh my GOD 00:41:08,115 --> 00:41:10,950 oh my GOD "I'm gonna lay in my own filth 758 00:41:11,001 --> 00:41:14,037 Until two seconds before you come back here." oh my GOD oh my GOD 759 oh my GOD 00:41:14,071 --> 00:41:17,373 oh my GOD That's why I'm such a good dad. oh my GOD oh my GOD 760 oh my GOD 00:41:21,578 --> 00:41:26,015 oh my GOD My daughter was having oh my GOD a dance thing at her school. oh my GOD oh my GOD 761 oh my GOD 00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:27,767 oh my GOD They had this big dance. oh my GOD oh my GOD 762 oh my GOD 00:41:27,801 --> 00:41:29,585 oh my GOD Anyway, we all went, oh my GOD all the parents, oh my GOD oh my GOD 763 oh my GOD 00:41:29,603 --> 00:41:31,304 oh my GOD And everybody's there, oh my GOD and everybody's got their phone, oh my GOD oh my GOD 764 oh my GOD 00:41:31,355 --> 00:41:32,939 oh my GOD Every single parent. oh my GOD oh my GOD 765 oh my GOD 00:41:32,973 --> 00:41:34,807 oh my GOD It was an amazing thing to watch oh my GOD 'cause kids are dancing oh my GOD oh my GOD 766 oh my GOD 00:41:34,859 --> 00:41:37,477 oh my GOD And every parent oh my GOD is standing there like this. oh my GOD oh my GOD 767 oh my GOD 00:41:37,528 --> 00:41:40,530 oh my GOD Every single person oh my GOD was blocking their vision oh my GOD oh my GOD 768 oh my GOD 00:41:40,564 --> 00:41:44,484 oh my GOD Of their actual child oh my GOD with their phone, and the kids-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 769 oh my GOD 00:41:44,535 --> 00:41:45,768 oh my GOD I went over by the stage oh my GOD and the kids-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 770 oh my GOD 00:41:45,786 --> 00:41:49,372 oh my GOD There's people holding ipads oh my GOD in front of their faces. oh my GOD oh my GOD 771 oh my GOD 00:41:49,406 --> 00:41:52,441 oh my GOD It looked like we're all in oh my GOD the witness protection program. oh my GOD oh my GOD 772 oh my GOD 00:41:52,459 --> 00:41:55,578 oh my GOD Like, the kids can't see oh my GOD their parents, oh my GOD oh my GOD 773 oh my GOD 00:41:55,612 --> 00:41:58,998 oh my GOD And everybody's watching oh my GOD a shitty movie oh my GOD oh my GOD 774 oh my GOD 00:41:59,049 --> 00:42:00,800 oh my GOD Of something oh my GOD that's happening ten feet-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 775 oh my GOD 00:42:00,834 --> 00:42:03,720 oh my GOD Like, look at your fucking kid. oh my GOD oh my GOD 776 oh my GOD 00:42:03,754 --> 00:42:08,591 oh my GOD The resolution on the kid is oh my GOD unbelievable if you just look. oh my GOD oh my GOD 777 oh my GOD 00:42:08,625 --> 00:42:12,295 oh my GOD It's totally hd. oh my GOD oh my GOD 778 oh my GOD 00:42:12,313 --> 00:42:14,647 oh my GOD Why are you taping this? oh my GOD oh my GOD 779 oh my GOD 00:42:14,682 --> 00:42:17,150 oh my GOD You're never gonna watch it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 780 oh my GOD 00:42:17,184 --> 00:42:19,852 oh my GOD In a million years, oh my GOD you're not gonna watch videos oh my GOD oh my GOD 781 oh my GOD 00:42:19,904 --> 00:42:22,021 oh my GOD Of your kids doing shit oh my GOD you missed oh my GOD oh my GOD 782 oh my GOD 00:42:22,072 --> 00:42:24,774 oh my GOD The first time it happened. oh my GOD oh my GOD 783 oh my GOD 00:42:24,808 --> 00:42:26,910 oh my GOD You don't watch it. oh my GOD You just put it on facebook. oh my GOD oh my GOD 784 oh my GOD 00:42:26,944 --> 00:42:34,667 oh my GOD "here, you watch it. I wanna take a nap now." oh my GOD oh my GOD 785 oh my GOD 00:42:34,702 --> 00:42:37,120 oh my GOD And then you get to read oh my GOD all the comments. oh my GOD oh my GOD 786 oh my GOD 00:42:37,154 --> 00:42:39,822 oh my GOD "my god! 787 00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:43,459 it's so cute!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 788 oh my GOD 00:42:43,493 --> 00:42:46,462 oh my GOD Ngaah!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 789 oh my GOD 00:42:49,183 --> 00:42:52,668 oh my GOD And guess what? oh my GOD They're not watching it, either. oh my GOD oh my GOD 790 oh my GOD 00:42:52,686 --> 00:42:54,670 oh my GOD They're not watching the video. oh my GOD oh my GOD 791 oh my GOD 00:42:54,688 --> 00:42:59,809 oh my GOD These kids are dancing oh my GOD for no one. oh my GOD oh my GOD 792 oh my GOD 00:42:59,843 --> 00:43:02,729 oh my GOD Nobody watches the videos oh my GOD on your facebook. oh my GOD oh my GOD 793 oh my GOD 00:43:02,780 --> 00:43:04,564 oh my GOD They see the first frame oh my GOD of a kid and they go, oh my GOD oh my GOD 794 oh my GOD 00:43:04,615 --> 00:43:08,484 oh my GOD "that's very nice. Ok. Back to this." oh my GOD oh my GOD 795 oh my GOD 00:43:12,522 --> 00:43:15,541 oh my GOD Nobody's watching your kids' oh my GOD videos on facebook, oh my GOD oh my GOD 796 oh my GOD 00:43:15,576 --> 00:43:16,709 oh my GOD I promise you. oh my GOD oh my GOD 797 oh my GOD 00:43:16,744 --> 00:43:17,994 oh my GOD I'll prove it to you. oh my GOD oh my GOD 798 oh my GOD 00:43:18,028 --> 00:43:19,796 oh my GOD Next time you tape oh my GOD your kid's dance, oh my GOD oh my GOD 799 oh my GOD 00:43:19,830 --> 00:43:21,530 oh my GOD Tape one second of it oh my GOD and then add oh my GOD oh my GOD 800 oh my GOD 00:43:21,548 --> 00:43:24,033 oh my GOD 20 minutes oh my GOD of just your own asshole. oh my GOD oh my GOD 801 oh my GOD 00:43:24,051 --> 00:43:31,224 oh my GOD Just go in the bathroom oh my GOD and just record your own anus oh my GOD oh my GOD 802 oh my GOD 00:43:31,258 --> 00:43:34,510 oh my GOD Opening and closing oh my GOD for 20 minutes. oh my GOD oh my GOD 803 oh my GOD 00:43:37,381 --> 00:43:39,599 oh my GOD Tack it onto your kid dancing oh my GOD for a second. oh my GOD oh my GOD 804 oh my GOD 00:43:39,650 --> 00:43:44,520 oh my GOD Put that on facebook. oh my GOD oh my GOD 805 oh my GOD 00:43:44,554 --> 00:43:45,822 oh my GOD Everybody will write oh my GOD the same thing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 806 oh my GOD 00:43:45,856 --> 00:43:50,076 oh my GOD "that's adorable! 807 00:43:50,110 --> 00:43:53,579 I think I see a future star!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 808 oh my GOD 00:43:57,901 --> 00:44:00,036 oh my GOD Don't tape shit on your-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 809 oh my GOD 00:44:00,070 --> 00:44:02,071 oh my GOD Life is short. oh my GOD Life is very short. oh my GOD oh my GOD 810 oh my GOD 00:44:02,089 --> 00:44:03,790 oh my GOD I like life. I like it. oh my GOD oh my GOD 811 oh my GOD 00:44:03,841 --> 00:44:06,042 oh my GOD I feel like even if it ends up oh my GOD being short, oh my GOD oh my GOD 812 oh my GOD 00:44:06,076 --> 00:44:09,262 oh my GOD I got lucky to have it 'cause oh my GOD life is an amazing gift oh my GOD oh my GOD 813 oh my GOD 00:44:09,296 --> 00:44:12,581 oh my GOD When you think about what oh my GOD you get with a basic life, oh my GOD oh my GOD 814 oh my GOD 00:44:12,599 --> 00:44:16,419 oh my GOD Not even a particularly oh my GOD lucky life or a healthy life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 815 oh my GOD 00:44:16,437 --> 00:44:18,688 oh my GOD If you have a life, oh my GOD that's an ama-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 816 oh my GOD 00:44:18,722 --> 00:44:20,356 oh my GOD Here's your boilerplate deal oh my GOD with life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 817 oh my GOD 00:44:20,391 --> 00:44:25,094 oh my GOD This is basic cable, oh my GOD what you get when you get life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 818 oh my GOD 00:44:25,112 --> 00:44:27,063 oh my GOD You get to be on earth. oh my GOD oh my GOD 819 oh my GOD 00:44:27,097 --> 00:44:30,616 oh my GOD First of all--my god-- oh my GOD what a location. oh my GOD oh my GOD 820 oh my GOD 00:44:30,651 --> 00:44:34,287 oh my GOD This is earth, and for trillions oh my GOD of miles in every direction, oh my GOD oh my GOD 821 oh my GOD 00:44:34,321 --> 00:44:37,373 oh my GOD It fucking sucks so bad. oh my GOD oh my GOD 822 oh my GOD 00:44:37,408 --> 00:44:41,127 oh my GOD It's so shitty that your eyes oh my GOD bolt out of your head oh my GOD oh my GOD 823 oh my GOD 00:44:41,161 --> 00:44:44,247 oh my GOD 'cause it sucks so bad. oh my GOD oh my GOD 824 oh my GOD 00:44:44,281 --> 00:44:47,583 oh my GOD You get to be on earth oh my GOD and look at shit, oh my GOD oh my GOD 825 oh my GOD 00:44:47,617 --> 00:44:49,385 oh my GOD As long as you're not blind oh my GOD or whatever it is. oh my GOD oh my GOD 826 oh my GOD 00:44:49,420 --> 00:44:52,472 oh my GOD You get to be here. oh my GOD You get to eat food. oh my GOD oh my GOD 827 oh my GOD 00:44:52,506 --> 00:44:54,640 oh my GOD You get to put bacon oh my GOD in your mouth. oh my GOD oh my GOD 828 oh my GOD 00:44:54,675 --> 00:44:58,978 oh my GOD I mean, when you have bacon oh my GOD in your mouth, oh my GOD oh my GOD 829 oh my GOD 00:44:59,012 --> 00:45:02,348 oh my GOD It doesn't matter oh my GOD who's president or anything, oh my GOD oh my GOD 830 oh my GOD 00:45:02,399 --> 00:45:07,904 oh my GOD You just--"" oh my GOD oh my GOD 831 oh my GOD 00:45:07,938 --> 00:45:09,405 oh my GOD Every time I'm eating bacon, oh my GOD I think, oh my GOD oh my GOD 832 oh my GOD 00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:13,526 oh my GOD I could die right now, oh my GOD and I mean it! oh my GOD oh my GOD 833 oh my GOD 00:45:13,577 --> 00:45:15,161 oh my GOD That's how good life is. oh my GOD oh my GOD 834 oh my GOD 00:45:15,195 --> 00:45:16,996 oh my GOD You get to-- oh my GOD you get to fuck. oh my GOD oh my GOD 835 oh my GOD 00:45:17,030 --> 00:45:19,165 oh my GOD That's free if you're smart. oh my GOD oh my GOD 836 oh my GOD 00:45:19,199 --> 00:45:25,204 oh my GOD That comes with. oh my GOD That's part of the deal. oh my GOD oh my GOD 837 oh my GOD 00:45:25,255 --> 00:45:27,340 oh my GOD Where else are you gonna get oh my GOD that deal? oh my GOD oh my GOD 838 oh my GOD 00:45:27,374 --> 00:45:32,995 oh my GOD You get to put your dick oh my GOD in there and go in and out, oh my GOD oh my GOD 839 oh my GOD 00:45:33,013 --> 00:45:36,682 oh my GOD Pretty good, oh my GOD oh my GOD 840 oh my GOD 00:45:36,717 --> 00:45:38,667 oh my GOD And if you're a woman, oh my GOD you get to just lay back oh my GOD oh my GOD 841 oh my GOD 00:45:38,685 --> 00:45:40,470 oh my GOD And just have a dick oh my GOD oh my GOD 842 oh my GOD 00:45:40,504 --> 00:45:44,724 oh my GOD Just shoving oh my GOD in and out of you awkwardly oh my GOD oh my GOD 843 oh my GOD 00:45:44,775 --> 00:45:48,377 oh my GOD Anytime you want, oh my GOD anytime you want. oh my GOD oh my GOD 844 oh my GOD 00:45:55,235 --> 00:45:58,237 oh my GOD If you're a gay man, you get to oh my GOD just fill your boyfriend's ass oh my GOD oh my GOD 845 oh my GOD 00:45:58,288 --> 00:46:03,292 oh my GOD With your dick, just fill it oh my GOD all the way to the balls, oh my GOD oh my GOD 846 oh my GOD 00:46:03,327 --> 00:46:08,548 oh my GOD And it's nice and warm oh my GOD and tight in there, oh my GOD oh my GOD 847 oh my GOD 00:46:08,582 --> 00:46:11,551 oh my GOD And he's your buddy. oh my GOD oh my GOD 848 oh my GOD 00:46:18,392 --> 00:46:20,226 oh my GOD If you're a lesbian, oh my GOD oh my GOD 849 oh my GOD 00:46:20,260 --> 00:46:23,596 oh my GOD You get to do all the stuff oh my GOD they're doing, and... oh my GOD oh my GOD 850 oh my GOD 00:46:30,237 --> 00:46:31,771 oh my GOD It's a great deal. oh my GOD oh my GOD 851 oh my GOD 00:46:31,822 --> 00:46:33,356 oh my GOD You get to eat. You get to fuck. oh my GOD oh my GOD 852 oh my GOD 00:46:33,390 --> 00:46:35,992 oh my GOD You get to read oh my GOD to kill a mockingbird. oh my GOD oh my GOD 853 oh my GOD 00:46:36,026 --> 00:46:37,944 oh my GOD It's a great life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 854 oh my GOD 00:46:37,995 --> 00:46:42,231 oh my GOD So, you know, I'm not worried oh my GOD about it ending. oh my GOD oh my GOD 855 oh my GOD 00:46:42,249 --> 00:46:45,535 oh my GOD It's pretty good, oh my GOD and I've wasted a lot of time oh my GOD oh my GOD 856 oh my GOD 00:46:45,569 --> 00:46:48,254 oh my GOD Just being angry at people oh my GOD I don't know. oh my GOD oh my GOD 857 oh my GOD 00:46:48,288 --> 00:46:51,958 oh my GOD You know, it's amazing how nasty oh my GOD we can get as people, oh my GOD oh my GOD 858 oh my GOD 00:46:52,009 --> 00:46:53,509 oh my GOD Depending on the situation. oh my GOD oh my GOD 859 oh my GOD 00:46:53,544 --> 00:46:57,380 oh my GOD Like, most people are ok oh my GOD as long as they're ok, oh my GOD oh my GOD 860 oh my GOD 00:46:57,414 --> 00:47:00,550 oh my GOD But if you put people in certain oh my GOD contexts, they just change. oh my GOD oh my GOD 861 oh my GOD 00:47:00,584 --> 00:47:05,087 oh my GOD Like, when I'm in my car, I have oh my GOD a different set of values. oh my GOD oh my GOD 862 oh my GOD 00:47:05,105 --> 00:47:09,725 oh my GOD I am the worst person I can be oh my GOD when I'm behind the wheel, oh my GOD oh my GOD 863 oh my GOD 00:47:09,759 --> 00:47:13,062 oh my GOD Which is when I'm oh my GOD at my most dangerous. oh my GOD oh my GOD 864 oh my GOD 00:47:13,096 --> 00:47:14,397 oh my GOD When you're driving, oh my GOD oh my GOD 865 oh my GOD 00:47:14,431 --> 00:47:16,532 oh my GOD That's when you need to be oh my GOD the most compassionate oh my GOD oh my GOD 866 oh my GOD 00:47:16,567 --> 00:47:18,951 oh my GOD And responsible of any other oh my GOD time in your life oh my GOD oh my GOD 867 oh my GOD 00:47:18,986 --> 00:47:23,239 oh my GOD 'cause you are fucking driving oh my GOD a weapon amongst weapons, oh my GOD oh my GOD 868 oh my GOD 00:47:23,273 --> 00:47:26,158 oh my GOD And yet it's the worst oh my GOD people get, and I am the worst. oh my GOD oh my GOD 869 oh my GOD 00:47:26,210 --> 00:47:28,828 oh my GOD One time, I was driving, oh my GOD and there was a guy ahead of me, oh my GOD oh my GOD 870 oh my GOD 00:47:28,879 --> 00:47:32,281 oh my GOD And he kind of--I don't know-- oh my GOD sorta drifted into my lane oh my GOD oh my GOD 871 oh my GOD 00:47:32,299 --> 00:47:34,717 oh my GOD For a second, oh my GOD and this came out of my mouth. oh my GOD oh my GOD 872 oh my GOD 00:47:34,751 --> 00:47:38,120 oh my GOD I said, oh my GOD worthless piece of shit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 873 oh my GOD 00:47:43,393 --> 00:47:46,929 oh my GOD I mean, what an indictment. oh my GOD oh my GOD 874 oh my GOD 00:47:46,963 --> 00:47:50,850 oh my GOD What kind of a way is that to oh my GOD feel about another human being? oh my GOD oh my GOD 875 oh my GOD 00:47:50,901 --> 00:47:54,153 oh my GOD worthless piece of shit? oh my GOD oh my GOD 876 oh my GOD 00:47:54,187 --> 00:47:59,075 oh my GOD That's somebody's son. oh my GOD oh my GOD 877 oh my GOD 00:47:59,109 --> 00:48:01,477 oh my GOD And things I've said oh my GOD to other people. oh my GOD oh my GOD 878 oh my GOD 00:48:01,495 --> 00:48:03,479 oh my GOD I was once driving, and some guy oh my GOD in a pickup truck did-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 879 oh my GOD 00:48:03,497 --> 00:48:05,948 oh my GOD I don't remember, even-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 880 oh my GOD 00:48:05,982 --> 00:48:11,320 oh my GOD And I yelled out my window, oh my GOD I said, "hey, fuck you!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 881 oh my GOD 00:48:11,338 --> 00:48:16,709 oh my GOD Where outside of a car oh my GOD is that even nearly ok? oh my GOD oh my GOD 882 oh my GOD 00:48:20,330 --> 00:48:23,049 oh my GOD If you were in an elevator oh my GOD oh my GOD 883 oh my GOD 00:48:23,100 --> 00:48:26,218 oh my GOD And you were, like, right next oh my GOD to a person's body oh my GOD oh my GOD 884 oh my GOD 00:48:26,270 --> 00:48:29,055 oh my GOD And, whatever, like, he leaned oh my GOD into you a little bit, oh my GOD oh my GOD 885 oh my GOD 00:48:29,106 --> 00:48:31,474 oh my GOD Would you ever turn oh my GOD right to their face oh my GOD oh my GOD 886 oh my GOD 00:48:31,508 --> 00:48:34,610 oh my GOD And go, "hey, fuck you!"? oh my GOD oh my GOD 887 oh my GOD 00:48:39,733 --> 00:48:43,202 oh my GOD worthless piece of shit! oh my GOD oh my GOD 888 oh my GOD 00:48:46,206 --> 00:48:48,124 oh my GOD No. oh my GOD oh my GOD 889 oh my GOD 00:48:48,158 --> 00:48:51,327 oh my GOD Literally zero people oh my GOD would ever do that, oh my GOD oh my GOD 890 oh my GOD 00:48:51,361 --> 00:48:54,213 oh my GOD But put a couple of pieces of oh my GOD glass and some road between you, oh my GOD oh my GOD 891 oh my GOD 00:48:54,247 --> 00:48:56,966 oh my GOD There's nothing you would not oh my GOD say to them. oh my GOD oh my GOD 892 oh my GOD 00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,867 oh my GOD I hope you die! oh my GOD oh my GOD 893 oh my GOD 00:48:58,885 --> 00:49:01,671 oh my GOD I said that to a person. oh my GOD oh my GOD 894 oh my GOD 00:49:01,705 --> 00:49:04,256 oh my GOD I hope you die! oh my GOD oh my GOD 895 oh my GOD 00:49:04,308 --> 00:49:06,425 oh my GOD Why? 'cause you made me oh my GOD go like this oh my GOD oh my GOD 896 oh my GOD 00:49:06,476 --> 00:49:10,313 oh my GOD For half a second of my life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 897 oh my GOD 00:49:10,347 --> 00:49:15,985 oh my GOD You tested my reflexes, oh my GOD and it worked out fine! oh my GOD oh my GOD 898 oh my GOD 00:49:16,019 --> 00:49:19,188 oh my GOD So now I hope your kids oh my GOD grow up motherless!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 899 oh my GOD 00:49:22,726 --> 00:49:26,278 oh my GOD I mean, what am I capable of? oh my GOD oh my GOD 900 oh my GOD 00:49:29,032 --> 00:49:32,001 oh my GOD I'd like to think oh my GOD that I'm a nice person, oh my GOD oh my GOD 901 oh my GOD 00:49:32,035 --> 00:49:34,069 oh my GOD But I don't know, man. oh my GOD oh my GOD 902 oh my GOD 00:49:34,087 --> 00:49:37,256 oh my GOD A lot of it is context. oh my GOD oh my GOD 903 oh my GOD 00:49:37,290 --> 00:49:39,592 oh my GOD There's a lot of things I wonder oh my GOD if the world was different. oh my GOD oh my GOD 904 oh my GOD 00:49:39,626 --> 00:49:43,746 oh my GOD Like, if murder was legal, I oh my GOD might have killed a few people. oh my GOD oh my GOD 905 oh my GOD 00:49:43,764 --> 00:49:45,514 oh my GOD I don't know. oh my GOD oh my GOD 906 oh my GOD 00:49:45,549 --> 00:49:47,433 oh my GOD I'd love to think, oh my GOD I would never do that, oh my GOD oh my GOD 907 oh my GOD 00:49:47,467 --> 00:49:50,269 oh my GOD But we really need the law oh my GOD against murder oh my GOD oh my GOD 908 oh my GOD 00:49:50,303 --> 00:49:52,254 oh my GOD For one simple reason. oh my GOD oh my GOD 909 oh my GOD 00:49:52,272 --> 00:49:54,023 oh my GOD The law against murder oh my GOD oh my GOD 910 oh my GOD 00:49:54,057 --> 00:49:59,311 oh my GOD Is the number-one thing oh my GOD preventing murder. oh my GOD oh my GOD 911 oh my GOD 00:49:59,363 --> 00:50:00,696 oh my GOD We'd like to think it's 'cause, oh my GOD oh my GOD 912 oh my GOD 00:50:00,731 --> 00:50:02,281 oh my GOD Like, "I would never oh my GOD do that." oh my GOD oh my GOD 913 oh my GOD 00:50:02,315 --> 00:50:07,236 oh my GOD No. It's 'cause it really sucks oh my GOD getting caught murdering, a lot. oh my GOD oh my GOD 914 oh my GOD 00:50:07,270 --> 00:50:13,042 oh my GOD If murder was legal, oh my GOD or just a misdemeanor-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 915 oh my GOD 00:50:13,076 --> 00:50:14,877 oh my GOD Like you get a thing oh my GOD in the mail-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 916 oh my GOD 00:50:14,911 --> 00:50:16,545 oh my GOD "shit, they had a camera there. 917 00:50:16,580 --> 00:50:18,798 Well." oh my GOD oh my GOD 918 oh my GOD 00:50:26,056 --> 00:50:30,726 oh my GOD If murder was legal, oh my GOD there would be so much murder. oh my GOD oh my GOD 919 oh my GOD 00:50:30,761 --> 00:50:33,312 oh my GOD Regular people would murder. oh my GOD oh my GOD 920 oh my GOD 00:50:33,346 --> 00:50:36,348 oh my GOD Murderers would murder oh my GOD even more, oh my GOD oh my GOD 921 oh my GOD 00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:38,484 oh my GOD And then really nice, oh my GOD sweet people oh my GOD oh my GOD 922 oh my GOD 00:50:38,518 --> 00:50:41,136 oh my GOD Would murder a few people, oh my GOD oh my GOD 923 oh my GOD 00:50:41,154 --> 00:50:45,691 oh my GOD But nobody would murder oh my GOD no people. oh my GOD oh my GOD 924 oh my GOD 00:50:45,742 --> 00:50:48,143 oh my GOD You wouldn't trust somebody oh my GOD who didn't murder oh my GOD oh my GOD 925 oh my GOD 00:50:48,161 --> 00:50:49,578 oh my GOD If murder was legal. oh my GOD oh my GOD 926 oh my GOD 00:50:49,613 --> 00:50:51,247 oh my GOD You wouldn't like them. oh my GOD oh my GOD 927 oh my GOD 00:50:51,281 --> 00:50:52,665 oh my GOD I never killed anybody. oh my GOD oh my GOD 928 oh my GOD 00:50:52,699 --> 00:50:57,453 oh my GOD "ok. Nice meeting you. Yecch, what a creep. 929 00:50:57,487 --> 00:50:59,455 I mean, not even a hooker?" oh my GOD Live a life. oh my GOD oh my GOD 930 oh my GOD 00:50:59,489 --> 00:51:01,424 oh my GOD "what's wrong with that guy? 931 00:51:01,458 --> 00:51:04,493 He's like a mormon or some shit. I hate those guys." oh my GOD oh my GOD 932 oh my GOD 00:51:07,297 --> 00:51:09,682 oh my GOD I think he's nice. oh my GOD shut up, janet. oh my GOD oh my GOD 933 oh my GOD 00:51:10,967 --> 00:51:14,804 oh my GOD They would just-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 934 oh my GOD 00:51:14,838 --> 00:51:18,340 oh my GOD If murder was legal, oh my GOD there would be a lot of murder. oh my GOD oh my GOD 935 oh my GOD 00:51:18,358 --> 00:51:21,444 oh my GOD Children would behave oh my GOD very differently oh my GOD oh my GOD 936 oh my GOD 00:51:21,478 --> 00:51:24,780 oh my GOD Because mostly parents would be oh my GOD murdering their own kids, oh my GOD oh my GOD 937 oh my GOD 00:51:24,815 --> 00:51:28,851 oh my GOD That's mostly what would happen oh my GOD if murder was legal. oh my GOD oh my GOD 938 oh my GOD 00:51:28,869 --> 00:51:30,536 oh my GOD You know, you'd go to a mall, oh my GOD there'd be, oh my GOD oh my GOD 939 oh my GOD 00:51:30,570 --> 00:51:32,371 oh my GOD Like eight, different moms oh my GOD in the mall just-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 940 oh my GOD 00:51:32,405 --> 00:51:37,025 oh my GOD "I told you to stop it! You didn't listen to me!" oh my GOD oh my GOD 941 oh my GOD 00:51:37,043 --> 00:51:38,210 oh my GOD Just--pbbt! oh my GOD oh my GOD 942 oh my GOD 00:51:38,245 --> 00:51:39,411 oh my GOD There'd be just-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 943 oh my GOD 00:51:39,463 --> 00:51:41,196 oh my GOD You'd be stepping oh my GOD over dead kids. oh my GOD oh my GOD 944 oh my GOD 00:51:41,214 --> 00:51:44,333 oh my GOD There'd be, like, a new problem. oh my GOD oh my GOD 945 oh my GOD 00:51:44,367 --> 00:51:46,635 oh my GOD "you have to clean up your kids 946 00:51:46,670 --> 00:51:49,538 when you kill them" oh my GOD 'cause it's gross. oh my GOD oh my GOD 947 oh my GOD 00:51:49,556 --> 00:51:54,093 oh my GOD "it's bad for the environment. 948 00:51:54,144 --> 00:51:55,978 if you murder your child" oh my GOD in a public place, oh my GOD oh my GOD 949 oh my GOD 00:51:56,012 --> 00:52:01,600 oh my GOD "please use one of the red bags that are in the dispensers 950 00:52:01,651 --> 00:52:07,072 every three feet of america." oh my GOD oh my GOD 951 oh my GOD 00:52:07,107 --> 00:52:09,441 oh my GOD "put your murdered child in the red bag 952 00:52:09,493 --> 00:52:12,528 with a logo" oh my GOD of a murdered kid on it oh my GOD oh my GOD 953 oh my GOD 00:52:12,562 --> 00:52:15,948 oh my GOD "next to the other logo that tells you 954 00:52:15,999 --> 00:52:19,869 not to let your alive kid play" oh my GOD with the plastic bag oh my GOD oh my GOD 955 oh my GOD 00:52:19,903 --> 00:52:22,171 oh my GOD "because they might suffocate, 956 00:52:22,205 --> 00:52:26,375 In which case you could just leave them in the bag." oh my GOD oh my GOD 957 oh my GOD 00:52:35,135 --> 00:52:37,436 oh my GOD That is a whole bunch oh my GOD of horrible thoughts oh my GOD oh my GOD 958 oh my GOD 00:52:37,470 --> 00:52:40,306 oh my GOD Right in a row, right in a row. oh my GOD oh my GOD 959 oh my GOD 00:52:40,357 --> 00:52:44,092 oh my GOD That is a compressed area oh my GOD of bad thought. oh my GOD oh my GOD 960 oh my GOD 00:52:47,314 --> 00:52:49,231 oh my GOD You know, you have oh my GOD your bad thoughts. oh my GOD oh my GOD 961 oh my GOD 00:52:49,265 --> 00:52:51,266 oh my GOD Hopefully you do good things. oh my GOD oh my GOD 962 oh my GOD 00:52:51,284 --> 00:52:53,369 oh my GOD Everybody has a competition oh my GOD in their brain oh my GOD oh my GOD 963 oh my GOD 00:52:53,403 --> 00:52:54,954 oh my GOD Of good thoughts oh my GOD and bad thoughts. oh my GOD oh my GOD 964 oh my GOD 00:52:54,988 --> 00:52:57,156 oh my GOD Hopefully, oh my GOD the good thoughts win. oh my GOD oh my GOD 965 oh my GOD 00:52:57,207 --> 00:52:58,624 oh my GOD For me, I always have both. oh my GOD oh my GOD 966 oh my GOD 00:52:58,658 --> 00:53:00,576 oh my GOD I have, like, the thing I oh my GOD believe, the good thing-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 967 oh my GOD 00:53:00,610 --> 00:53:03,879 oh my GOD That's the thing I believe-- oh my GOD and then there's this thing, oh my GOD oh my GOD 968 oh my GOD 00:53:03,914 --> 00:53:07,883 oh my GOD And I don't believe it, oh my GOD but it is there. oh my GOD oh my GOD 969 oh my GOD 00:53:07,918 --> 00:53:11,420 oh my GOD It's always this thing oh my GOD and then this thing. oh my GOD oh my GOD 970 oh my GOD 00:53:11,454 --> 00:53:13,556 oh my GOD It's become a category oh my GOD in my brain oh my GOD oh my GOD 971 oh my GOD 00:53:13,590 --> 00:53:16,625 oh my GOD That I call, "of course... oh my GOD oh my GOD 972 oh my GOD 00:53:16,643 --> 00:53:19,461 oh my GOD But maybe..." oh my GOD oh my GOD 973 oh my GOD 00:53:21,848 --> 00:53:27,019 oh my GOD I'll give you an example, ok? oh my GOD oh my GOD 974 oh my GOD 00:53:27,070 --> 00:53:32,024 oh my GOD Like, of course children oh my GOD who have nut allergies oh my GOD oh my GOD 975 oh my GOD 00:53:32,075 --> 00:53:34,977 oh my GOD Need to be protected, of course. oh my GOD oh my GOD 976 oh my GOD 00:53:34,995 --> 00:53:37,613 oh my GOD We have to segregate oh my GOD their food from nuts, oh my GOD oh my GOD 977 oh my GOD 00:53:37,647 --> 00:53:39,665 oh my GOD Have their medication available oh my GOD at all times, oh my GOD oh my GOD 978 oh my GOD 00:53:39,699 --> 00:53:42,001 oh my GOD And anybody who manufactures oh my GOD or serves food oh my GOD oh my GOD 979 oh my GOD 00:53:42,035 --> 00:53:47,957 oh my GOD Needs to be aware of deadly oh my GOD nut allergies, of course, oh my GOD oh my GOD 980 oh my GOD 00:53:47,991 --> 00:53:51,210 oh my GOD But maybe... oh my GOD oh my GOD 981 oh my GOD 00:53:51,261 --> 00:53:54,930 oh my GOD Maybe if touching a nut oh my GOD kills you, oh my GOD oh my GOD 982 oh my GOD 00:53:54,965 --> 00:53:57,049 oh my GOD You're supposed to die. oh my GOD oh my GOD 983 oh my GOD 00:54:02,005 --> 00:54:04,139 oh my GOD Of course not. oh my GOD oh my GOD 984 oh my GOD 00:54:04,173 --> 00:54:07,843 oh my GOD Of course not. Of course not. oh my GOD oh my GOD 985 oh my GOD 00:54:07,861 --> 00:54:09,812 oh my GOD Jesus. oh my GOD oh my GOD 986 oh my GOD 00:54:09,846 --> 00:54:11,780 oh my GOD I have a nephew who has that. oh my GOD oh my GOD 987 oh my GOD 00:54:11,815 --> 00:54:14,316 oh my GOD I'd be devastated if something oh my GOD happened to him, oh my GOD oh my GOD 988 oh my GOD 00:54:14,350 --> 00:54:16,685 oh my GOD But maybe... oh my GOD oh my GOD 989 oh my GOD 00:54:16,703 --> 00:54:19,989 oh my GOD Maybe if we all just do this oh my GOD for one year, oh my GOD oh my GOD 990 oh my GOD 00:54:20,023 --> 00:54:23,125 oh my GOD We're done with nut allergies oh my GOD forever. oh my GOD oh my GOD 991 oh my GOD 00:54:28,531 --> 00:54:32,885 oh my GOD No. Of course not. oh my GOD oh my GOD 992 oh my GOD 00:54:32,919 --> 00:54:35,203 oh my GOD Of course, if you're fighting oh my GOD for your country oh my GOD oh my GOD 993 oh my GOD 00:54:35,221 --> 00:54:37,706 oh my GOD And you get shot or hurt, oh my GOD it's a terrible tragedy, oh my GOD oh my GOD 994 oh my GOD 00:54:37,724 --> 00:54:41,844 oh my GOD Of course, of course... oh my GOD oh my GOD 995 oh my GOD 00:54:44,014 --> 00:54:46,214 oh my GOD But maybe... oh my GOD oh my GOD 996 oh my GOD 00:54:46,232 --> 00:54:49,518 oh my GOD Maybe if you pick up a gun oh my GOD and go to another country oh my GOD oh my GOD 997 oh my GOD 00:54:49,552 --> 00:54:53,322 oh my GOD And you get shot, oh my GOD it's not that weird. oh my GOD oh my GOD 998 oh my GOD 00:54:53,356 --> 00:54:57,609 oh my GOD Maybe if you get shot by the oh my GOD dude you were just shooting at, oh my GOD oh my GOD 999 oh my GOD 00:54:57,661 --> 00:55:00,496 oh my GOD It's a tiny bit your fault. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1000 oh my GOD 00:55:11,741 --> 00:55:14,843 oh my GOD Of course, of course slavery oh my GOD oh my GOD 1001 oh my GOD 00:55:14,878 --> 00:55:18,347 oh my GOD Is the worst thing oh my GOD that ever happened. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1002 oh my GOD 00:55:22,719 --> 00:55:24,887 oh my GOD Listen, listen. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1003 oh my GOD 00:55:24,921 --> 00:55:27,890 oh my GOD You all clapped for dead kids oh my GOD with the nuts. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1004 oh my GOD 00:55:27,924 --> 00:55:31,860 oh my GOD For kids dying from nuts, oh my GOD you applauded, oh my GOD oh my GOD 1005 oh my GOD 00:55:31,895 --> 00:55:33,729 oh my GOD So you're in this with me now. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1006 oh my GOD 00:55:33,763 --> 00:55:34,980 oh my GOD Do you understand? oh my GOD oh my GOD 1007 oh my GOD 00:55:35,031 --> 00:55:37,933 oh my GOD You don't get to cherry-pick. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1008 oh my GOD 00:55:37,951 --> 00:55:41,036 oh my GOD Those kids did nothing to you. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1009 oh my GOD 00:55:43,907 --> 00:55:46,208 oh my GOD Of course, of course slavery oh my GOD oh my GOD 1010 oh my GOD 00:55:46,242 --> 00:55:49,128 oh my GOD Is the worst thing oh my GOD that ever happened. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1011 oh my GOD 00:55:49,162 --> 00:55:51,463 oh my GOD Of course it is, oh my GOD every time it's happened-- oh my GOD oh my GOD 1012 oh my GOD 00:55:51,498 --> 00:55:53,999 oh my GOD Black people in america, oh my GOD jews in egypt. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1013 oh my GOD 00:55:54,050 --> 00:55:56,001 oh my GOD Every time a whole race oh my GOD of people has been enslaved, oh my GOD oh my GOD 1014 oh my GOD 00:55:56,052 --> 00:56:01,256 oh my GOD It's a terrible, horrible thing, oh my GOD of course... oh my GOD oh my GOD 1015 oh my GOD 00:56:01,290 --> 00:56:03,425 oh my GOD But maybe... oh my GOD oh my GOD 1016 oh my GOD 00:56:03,459 --> 00:56:07,429 oh my GOD Maybe every incredible oh my GOD human achievement in history oh my GOD oh my GOD 1017 oh my GOD 00:56:07,463 --> 00:56:09,648 oh my GOD Was done with slaves. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1018 oh my GOD 00:56:09,682 --> 00:56:11,650 oh my GOD Every single thing where you go, oh my GOD oh my GOD 1019 oh my GOD 00:56:11,684 --> 00:56:13,902 oh my GOD "how did they build those pyramids?" oh my GOD oh my GOD 1020 oh my GOD 00:56:13,937 --> 00:56:15,971 oh my GOD They just threw human death oh my GOD and suffering at them oh my GOD oh my GOD 1021 oh my GOD 00:56:15,989 --> 00:56:19,908 oh my GOD Until they were finished. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1022 oh my GOD 00:56:19,943 --> 00:56:22,477 oh my GOD How did we traverse the nation oh my GOD with the railroad so quickly? oh my GOD oh my GOD 1023 oh my GOD 00:56:22,495 --> 00:56:24,747 oh my GOD We just threw chinese people oh my GOD in caves and blew 'em up oh my GOD oh my GOD 1024 oh my GOD 00:56:24,781 --> 00:56:27,149 oh my GOD And didn't give a shit oh my GOD what happened to them. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1025 oh my GOD 00:56:27,167 --> 00:56:28,667 oh my GOD There's no end oh my GOD to what you can do oh my GOD oh my GOD 1026 oh my GOD 00:56:28,701 --> 00:56:31,336 oh my GOD When you don't give a fuck oh my GOD about particular people. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1027 oh my GOD 00:56:31,371 --> 00:56:35,323 oh my GOD You can do anything. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1028 oh my GOD 00:56:35,341 --> 00:56:37,492 oh my GOD That's where human greatness oh my GOD comes from, oh my GOD oh my GOD 1029 oh my GOD 00:56:37,510 --> 00:56:41,847 oh my GOD Is that we're shitty people, oh my GOD that we fuck others over. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1030 oh my GOD 00:56:41,881 --> 00:56:45,050 oh my GOD Even today, how do we have oh my GOD this amazing microtechnology? oh my GOD oh my GOD 1031 oh my GOD 00:56:45,101 --> 00:56:46,935 oh my GOD Because the factory oh my GOD where they're making these, oh my GOD oh my GOD 1032 oh my GOD 00:56:46,970 --> 00:56:48,220 oh my GOD They jump off the fucking roof oh my GOD oh my GOD 1033 oh my GOD 00:56:48,271 --> 00:56:50,856 oh my GOD 'cause it's a nightmare oh my GOD in there. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1034 oh my GOD 00:56:50,890 --> 00:56:52,608 oh my GOD You really have a choice. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1035 oh my GOD 00:56:52,642 --> 00:56:54,526 oh my GOD You can have candles and horses oh my GOD oh my GOD 1036 oh my GOD 00:56:54,561 --> 00:56:56,344 oh my GOD And be a little kinder oh my GOD to each other oh my GOD oh my GOD 1037 oh my GOD 00:56:56,362 --> 00:56:59,364 oh my GOD Or let someone oh my GOD suffer immeasurably far away oh my GOD oh my GOD 1038 oh my GOD 00:56:59,399 --> 00:57:01,733 oh my GOD Just so you can leave oh my GOD a mean comment on youtube oh my GOD oh my GOD 1039 oh my GOD 00:57:01,785 --> 00:57:06,071 oh my GOD While you're taking a shit. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1040 oh my GOD 00:57:07,356 --> 00:57:10,192 oh my GOD Thanks a lot, folks. oh my GOD You guys were great. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1041 oh my GOD 00:57:10,210 --> 00:57:12,661 oh my GOD Thank you very, very much. oh my GOD oh my GOD 1042 oh my GOD 00:57:12,695 --> 00:57:14,913 oh my GOD Thank you. hilarious 1 hilarious 00:00:36,501 --> 00:00:39,437 hilarious [Soft, indistinct chatter] hilarious hilarious 2 hilarious 00:00:44,576 --> 00:00:45,976 hilarious #NAME? hilarious In there, sir? hilarious hilarious 3 hilarious 00:00:45,978 --> 00:00:47,678 hilarious #NAME? hilarious hilarious 4 hilarious 00:01:05,497 --> 00:01:08,432 hilarious [Scattered cheers, shouting] hilarious hilarious 5 hilarious 00:01:12,504 --> 00:01:14,405 hilarious #NAME? hilarious hilarious 6 hilarious 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:16,673 hilarious Go--wally, go on house lights. hilarious hilarious 7 hilarious 00:01:21,179 --> 00:01:24,114 hilarious #NAME? hilarious hilarious 8 hilarious 00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:27,084 hilarious #NAME? hilarious Spotlight. Spotlight. hilarious hilarious 9 hilarious 00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:30,021 hilarious [Cheers and applause] hilarious hilarious 10 hilarious 00:01:49,207 --> 00:01:51,141 hilarious #NAME? hilarious hilarious 11 hilarious 00:01:51,143 --> 00:01:54,811 hilarious Hi. hilarious hilarious 12 hilarious 00:01:54,813 --> 00:01:56,746 hilarious Thank you very much. hilarious hilarious 13 hilarious 00:01:56,748 --> 00:01:59,950 hilarious Uh, Thank you. hilarious Hello, everybody. hilarious hilarious 14 hilarious 00:01:59,952 --> 00:02:01,685 hilarious Um, Hello. hilarious hilarious 15 hilarious 00:02:01,687 --> 00:02:05,322 hilarious I mean, by everybody, hilarious I mean, uh, you guys. hilarious hilarious 16 hilarious 00:02:05,324 --> 00:02:09,026 hilarious Uh, i mean hilarious Everybody who's here. hilarious hilarious 17 hilarious 00:02:09,028 --> 00:02:10,760 hilarious Really i shouldn't hilarious Say "everybody," hilarious hilarious 18 hilarious 00:02:10,762 --> 00:02:15,032 hilarious Because most people hilarious Are not here. hilarious hilarious 19 hilarious 00:02:15,034 --> 00:02:19,503 hilarious By a pretty huge majority, hilarious hilarious 20 hilarious 00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:22,373 hilarious Most people are not here. hilarious hilarious 21 hilarious 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:25,109 hilarious Most people are in China, hilarious Actually. hilarious hilarious 22 hilarious 00:02:25,111 --> 00:02:27,044 hilarious It's true. hilarious hilarious 23 hilarious 00:02:27,046 --> 00:02:28,312 hilarious Actually, that's not true. hilarious hilarious 24 hilarious 00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:30,847 hilarious Most people are dead. hilarious Did you know that? hilarious hilarious 25 hilarious 00:02:30,849 --> 00:02:32,616 hilarious It's true. hilarious hilarious 26 hilarious 00:02:32,618 --> 00:02:34,718 hilarious Out of all the people hilarious That ever were, hilarious hilarious 27 hilarious 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,453 hilarious Almost all of them are dead. hilarious hilarious 28 hilarious 00:02:36,455 --> 00:02:39,323 hilarious There are hilarious Way more dead people. hilarious hilarious 29 hilarious 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:43,127 hilarious And you're all gonna die, hilarious And... hilarious hilarious 30 hilarious 00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:46,530 hilarious And then you're gonna be dead hilarious For way longer than your life. hilarious hilarious 31 hilarious 00:02:46,532 --> 00:02:51,535 hilarious Like, that's mostly hilarious What you're ever gonna be. hilarious hilarious 32 hilarious 00:02:51,537 --> 00:02:53,637 hilarious You're just dead people hilarious That didn't die yet. hilarious hilarious 33 hilarious 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:55,606 hilarious That's... hilarious hilarious 34 hilarious 00:02:58,610 --> 00:03:01,044 hilarious There are so many dead people. hilarious hilarious 35 hilarious 00:03:01,046 --> 00:03:05,749 hilarious Ray Charles is dead. hilarious Hitler. hilarious hilarious 36 hilarious 00:03:05,751 --> 00:03:08,085 hilarious Bunch of other ones. hilarious hilarious 37 hilarious 00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:10,488 hilarious But mostly those two guys. hilarious hilarious 38 hilarious 00:03:10,490 --> 00:03:12,556 hilarious And... hilarious hilarious 39 hilarious 00:03:12,558 --> 00:03:13,657 hilarious It's true. hilarious hilarious 40 hilarious 00:03:13,659 --> 00:03:15,092 hilarious Ray Charles and Hitler hilarious Are both dead. hilarious hilarious 41 hilarious 00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:17,094 hilarious And really it's the only thing hilarious They have in common, hilarious hilarious 42 hilarious 00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:19,963 hilarious Because otherwise hilarious They're very different dudes. hilarious hilarious 43 hilarious 00:03:19,965 --> 00:03:23,801 hilarious Many contrasts between Hitler hilarious And Ray Charles. hilarious hilarious 44 hilarious 00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:25,069 hilarious I'm gonna tell you hilarious A few of 'em. hilarious hilarious 45 hilarious 00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:29,506 hilarious Um, Ray Charles was black. hilarious hilarious 46 hilarious 00:03:29,508 --> 00:03:34,512 hilarious Hitler was not. hilarious hilarious 47 hilarious 00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:38,482 hilarious Hitler killed several Jews. hilarious hilarious 48 hilarious 00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:39,883 hilarious Too many. hilarious I'll say too many. hilarious hilarious 49 hilarious 00:03:39,885 --> 00:03:41,819 hilarious He killed an excessive amount hilarious of Jews. hilarious hilarious 50 hilarious 00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:44,088 hilarious He really... hilarious hilarious 51 hilarious 00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,889 hilarious Beat that thing to the ground. hilarious hilarious 52 hilarious 00:03:45,891 --> 00:03:48,626 hilarious He killed way-- hilarious He just--no moderation. hilarious hilarious 53 hilarious 00:03:51,663 --> 00:03:55,032 hilarious Ray charles, meanwhile, hilarious Hardly any Jews. hilarious hilarious 54 hilarious 00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:58,635 hilarious He killed so few Jews. hilarious hilarious 55 hilarious 00:04:02,941 --> 00:04:05,609 hilarious Uh... hilarious hilarious 56 hilarious 00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:08,879 hilarious I don't know hilarious How to start Shows. hilarious hilarious 57 hilarious 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:12,483 hilarious It's just a problem hilarious That i have. hilarious hilarious 58 hilarious 00:04:12,485 --> 00:04:13,717 hilarious I never... hilarious hilarious 59 hilarious 00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:15,618 hilarious I never figured out how to come hilarious Out and just start talking, hilarious hilarious 60 hilarious 00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:17,087 hilarious Because the first thing hilarious hilarious 61 hilarious 00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:18,488 hilarious You say on stage hilarious Always feels stupid, hilarious hilarious 62 hilarious 00:04:18,490 --> 00:04:23,227 hilarious Because there's no real reason hilarious For me to talk to you. hilarious hilarious 63 hilarious 00:04:23,229 --> 00:04:24,761 hilarious It just doesn't exist. hilarious hilarious 64 hilarious 00:04:24,763 --> 00:04:26,263 hilarious I don't know you. hilarious hilarious 65 hilarious 00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:27,965 hilarious You don't--you're-- hilarious You don't even know each other. hilarious hilarious 66 hilarious 00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,366 hilarious You're facing hilarious The same direction. hilarious hilarious 67 hilarious 00:04:29,368 --> 00:04:31,235 hilarious That's all hilarious You have in common. hilarious hilarious 68 hilarious 00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:33,904 hilarious So i just have to...Bleh! hilarious hilarious 69 hilarious 00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:36,106 hilarious It's like talking hilarious To a girl at a bar hilarious hilarious 70 hilarious 00:04:36,108 --> 00:04:37,407 hilarious Because hilarious You're attracted to her. hilarious hilarious 71 hilarious 00:04:37,409 --> 00:04:38,809 hilarious The first thing you say hilarious hilarious 72 hilarious 00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:41,945 hilarious Is just gonna be dog shit hilarious Coming out of your mouth. hilarious hilarious 73 hilarious 00:04:41,947 --> 00:04:43,347 hilarious Because you don't know her. hilarious hilarious 74 hilarious 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:45,615 hilarious The only honest thing hilarious That you could say to her hilarious hilarious 75 hilarious 00:04:45,617 --> 00:04:47,184 hilarious Is "i want hilarious To fuck your face." hilarious hilarious 76 hilarious 00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,152 hilarious That's the only thing hilarious You could say hilarious hilarious 77 hilarious 00:04:49,154 --> 00:04:53,056 hilarious That you could mean. hilarious hilarious 78 hilarious 00:04:53,058 --> 00:04:56,327 hilarious Anything else you say hilarious Is you trying really hard hilarious hilarious 79 hilarious 00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:58,262 hilarious Not to say hilarious I want to fuck your face. hilarious hilarious 80 hilarious 00:04:58,264 --> 00:04:59,462 hilarious That's the only thing you're-- hilarious hilarious 81 hilarious 00:04:59,464 --> 00:05:02,532 hilarious "Hi, i want To put my penis in... 82 00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:05,335 The lowest hole In your head." hilarious hilarious 83 hilarious 00:05:11,409 --> 00:05:12,809 hilarious I was never good at that. hilarious hilarious 84 hilarious 00:05:12,811 --> 00:05:14,812 hilarious Like, i was very bad hilarious At being single, hilarious hilarious 85 hilarious 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,579 hilarious Which is a problem, hilarious Because i'm divorced, hilarious hilarious 86 hilarious 00:05:16,581 --> 00:05:18,015 hilarious So i'm single again. hilarious hilarious 87 hilarious 00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:20,451 hilarious After ten years hilarious of marriage, and-- hilarious hilarious 88 hilarious 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,719 hilarious No, here. hilarious Cut the shit. hilarious hilarious 89 hilarious 00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,455 hilarious Don't even start hilarious With that noise hilarious hilarious 90 hilarious 00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:26,323 hilarious Like a puppy died. hilarious hilarious 91 hilarious 00:05:26,325 --> 00:05:29,092 hilarious Let me tell you something. hilarious hilarious 92 hilarious 00:05:29,094 --> 00:05:31,061 hilarious Let me tell you something. hilarious hilarious 93 hilarious 00:05:31,063 --> 00:05:32,495 hilarious And this is important, hilarious hilarious 94 hilarious 00:05:32,497 --> 00:05:34,798 hilarious Because someday one of your hilarious Friends is gonna get divorced. hilarious hilarious 95 hilarious 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,633 hilarious It's gonna happen. hilarious And they're gonna tell you. hilarious hilarious 96 hilarious 00:05:36,635 --> 00:05:38,268 hilarious Don't go, "oh, i'm sorry." hilarious hilarious 97 hilarious 00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:39,669 hilarious That's a stupid thing to say. hilarious hilarious 98 hilarious 00:05:39,671 --> 00:05:41,204 hilarious It really is. hilarious hilarious 99 hilarious 00:05:41,206 --> 00:05:42,839 hilarious First of all, hilarious You're making 'em feel bad hilarious hilarious 100 hilarious 00:05:42,841 --> 00:05:46,309 hilarious For being really happy, hilarious Which isn't fair. hilarious hilarious 101 hilarious 00:05:49,447 --> 00:05:51,381 hilarious And second--let me explain hilarious Something to you. hilarious hilarious 102 hilarious 00:05:51,383 --> 00:05:54,151 hilarious Divorce is always good news. hilarious hilarious 103 hilarious 00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:57,187 hilarious I know that sounds weird, hilarious But it's true, hilarious hilarious 104 hilarious 00:05:57,189 --> 00:06:02,425 hilarious Because no good marriage hilarious Has ever ended in divorce. hilarious hilarious 105 hilarious 00:06:04,428 --> 00:06:06,997 hilarious It's really that simple. hilarious hilarious 106 hilarious 00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,599 hilarious That's never ha-- hilarious That would be sad, hilarious hilarious 107 hilarious 00:06:09,601 --> 00:06:11,869 hilarious If two people were married hilarious And they were really happy, hilarious hilarious 108 hilarious 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:15,472 hilarious And they just had a great thing, hilarious And then they got divorced, hilarious hilarious 109 hilarious 00:06:15,474 --> 00:06:18,008 hilarious That would be really sad. hilarious hilarious 110 hilarious 00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:21,845 hilarious But that has happened hilarious Zero times. hilarious hilarious 111 hilarious 00:06:21,847 --> 00:06:25,182 hilarious Literally zero. hilarious hilarious 112 hilarious 00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:28,786 hilarious Ray Charles hilarious Has killed more Jews hilarious hilarious 113 hilarious 00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:31,955 hilarious Than happy marriages hilarious Have ended in divorce. hilarious hilarious 114 hilarious 00:06:35,794 --> 00:06:37,161 hilarious So if your friend hilarious Got divorced, hilarious hilarious 115 hilarious 00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:38,962 hilarious It means things were bad, hilarious And now they're-- hilarious hilarious 116 hilarious 00:06:38,964 --> 00:06:40,230 hilarious I mean, they're better. hilarious hilarious 117 hilarious 00:06:40,232 --> 00:06:41,932 hilarious They're not good. hilarious Life is shit wall to wall, hilarious hilarious 118 hilarious 00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:42,933 hilarious But they're better, hilarious hilarious 119 hilarious 00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:44,902 hilarious So you should be happy. hilarious hilarious 120 hilarious 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:47,003 hilarious But the part that's difficult hilarious hilarious 121 hilarious 00:06:47,005 --> 00:06:50,640 hilarious Is being single at 41 hilarious After ten years of marriage hilarious hilarious 122 hilarious 00:06:50,642 --> 00:06:51,875 hilarious And two kids. hilarious hilarious 123 hilarious 00:06:51,877 --> 00:06:54,044 hilarious It's--that's like hilarious Having a bunch of money hilarious hilarious 124 hilarious 00:06:54,046 --> 00:06:57,147 hilarious In the currency of a country hilarious That doesn't exist anymore. hilarious hilarious 125 hilarious 00:06:57,149 --> 00:06:59,016 hilarious Like... hilarious hilarious 126 hilarious 00:06:59,018 --> 00:07:02,953 hilarious Like i found 500 million hilarious Prussian francs. hilarious hilarious 127 hilarious 00:07:08,559 --> 00:07:10,593 hilarious I can't really take hilarious Advantage of being single, hilarious hilarious 128 hilarious 00:07:10,595 --> 00:07:12,663 hilarious Because i didn't-- hilarious I didn't expect to be single. hilarious hilarious 129 hilarious 00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:13,930 hilarious I'm not prepared. hilarious hilarious 130 hilarious 00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:15,199 hilarious I didn't think i'd ever be-- hilarious hilarious 131 hilarious 00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:16,533 hilarious I didn't keep hilarious This shit up. hilarious hilarious 132 hilarious 00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:17,568 hilarious You understand? hilarious hilarious 133 hilarious 00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:21,572 hilarious I didn't maintain hilarious Any of this hilarious hilarious 134 hilarious 00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:25,275 hilarious At presentation condition. hilarious hilarious 135 hilarious 00:07:25,277 --> 00:07:27,110 hilarious It's function only. hilarious hilarious 136 hilarious 00:07:27,112 --> 00:07:28,945 hilarious It was not... hilarious hilarious 137 hilarious 00:07:28,947 --> 00:07:31,381 hilarious I didn't think hilarious I would need it that way. hilarious hilarious 138 hilarious 00:07:31,383 --> 00:07:33,450 hilarious I thought i was gonna be shoving hilarious It into the same person hilarious hilarious 139 hilarious 00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:35,652 hilarious Every three months hilarious Till one of us died. hilarious hilarious 140 hilarious 00:07:35,654 --> 00:07:39,422 hilarious That's... hilarious hilarious 141 hilarious 00:07:39,424 --> 00:07:43,793 hilarious What i thought was the nature hilarious of the deployment for this... hilarious hilarious 142 hilarious 00:07:43,795 --> 00:07:45,495 hilarious I didn't think hilarious I had to be, like, hilarious hilarious 143 hilarious 00:07:45,497 --> 00:07:50,266 hilarious Appealing to someone hilarious From scratch. hilarious hilarious 144 hilarious 00:07:50,268 --> 00:07:52,135 hilarious It's like having a-- hilarious hilarious 145 hilarious 00:07:52,137 --> 00:07:55,739 hilarious It's like having a '73 hilarious Dodge dart in your backyard. hilarious hilarious 146 hilarious 00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:58,409 hilarious And it's been sitting back there hilarious With grass growing-- hilarious hilarious 147 hilarious 00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,644 hilarious You don't have any-- hilarious It's not an old mustang. hilarious hilarious 148 hilarious 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,380 hilarious You have no plans hilarious To restore that dart. hilarious hilarious 149 hilarious 00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:07,417 hilarious You don't even see it hilarious When you look out the window. hilarious hilarious 150 hilarious 00:08:07,419 --> 00:08:11,688 hilarious And now you find out hilarious That's your only way to work. hilarious hilarious 151 hilarious 00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:14,958 hilarious You need that car now. hilarious hilarious 152 hilarious 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,528 hilarious And you're like, hilarious "Oh, shit, i-- 153 00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,730 I didn't take--" hilarious It's got bees in it. hilarious hilarious 154 hilarious 00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:23,167 hilarious "I didn't take care of it. 155 00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:26,937 It's full of bees." hilarious hilarious 156 hilarious 00:08:26,939 --> 00:08:28,538 hilarious "There's a family of mice Living in the tailpipe. 157 00:08:28,540 --> 00:08:30,574 I can't take that to work." hilarious hilarious 158 hilarious 00:08:34,712 --> 00:08:36,512 hilarious I have no single instincts. hilarious hilarious 159 hilarious 00:08:36,514 --> 00:08:38,248 hilarious I know too much to be single. hilarious hilarious 160 hilarious 00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:40,050 hilarious I know everything hilarious That happens now. hilarious hilarious 161 hilarious 00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:41,585 hilarious That's no good for single. hilarious hilarious 162 hilarious 00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:44,387 hilarious You got to be optimistic hilarious To be single. hilarious hilarious 163 hilarious 00:08:44,389 --> 00:08:46,256 hilarious Stupid. hilarious You have to be stupid. hilarious hilarious 164 hilarious 00:08:46,258 --> 00:08:48,892 hilarious That's what optimistic means, hilarious You know? hilarious hilarious 165 hilarious 00:08:48,894 --> 00:08:51,128 hilarious It means stupid. hilarious hilarious 166 hilarious 00:08:51,130 --> 00:08:52,762 hilarious An optimist hilarious Is somebody who goes, hilarious hilarious 167 hilarious 00:08:52,764 --> 00:08:54,764 hilarious "Hey, maybe something Nice will happen." hilarious hilarious 168 hilarious 00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:57,401 hilarious Why the fuck would anything nice hilarious Ever happen? hilarious hilarious 169 hilarious 00:08:57,403 --> 00:09:00,637 hilarious What are you, stupid? hilarious hilarious 170 hilarious 00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:02,906 hilarious But that's the attitude hilarious You have to be to be single. hilarious hilarious 171 hilarious 00:09:02,908 --> 00:09:05,676 hilarious You have to look at somebody hilarious And go, "ooh, maybe..." hilarious hilarious 172 hilarious 00:09:05,678 --> 00:09:06,877 hilarious I don't look at it that way, hilarious hilarious 173 hilarious 00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:08,411 hilarious Even when i see somebody hilarious I'm attracted to. hilarious hilarious 174 hilarious 00:09:08,413 --> 00:09:09,479 hilarious I was at a gym the other day. hilarious hilarious 175 hilarious 00:09:09,481 --> 00:09:10,914 hilarious Why? Why? hilarious hilarious 176 hilarious 00:09:10,916 --> 00:09:12,749 hilarious I'm at a gym. hilarious hilarious 177 hilarious 00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:14,985 hilarious I'm just wearing shorts. hilarious hilarious 178 hilarious 00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,586 hilarious That's all i'm doing there. hilarious hilarious 179 hilarious 00:09:16,588 --> 00:09:19,957 hilarious Just standing there. hilarious hilarious 180 hilarious 00:09:28,299 --> 00:09:30,100 hilarious And i look over, hilarious And there's a girl on the-- hilarious hilarious 181 hilarious 00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:35,805 hilarious You know, with a ponytail, hilarious And she's on this thing-- hilarious hilarious 182 hilarious 00:09:35,807 --> 00:09:37,507 hilarious And i'm looking at her, hilarious And i'm like, hilarious hilarious 183 hilarious 00:09:37,509 --> 00:09:41,411 hilarious "Oh, she's awesome. 184 00:09:41,413 --> 00:09:44,581 Shit." hilarious hilarious 185 hilarious 00:09:44,583 --> 00:09:47,050 hilarious But then i start thinking, hilarious Wait a minute. hilarious hilarious 186 hilarious 00:09:47,052 --> 00:09:50,420 hilarious I'm single. I'm on the market. hilarious I have value. hilarious hilarious 187 hilarious 00:09:50,422 --> 00:09:52,556 hilarious I could say something hilarious To her. hilarious hilarious 188 hilarious 00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:54,591 hilarious I could just walk up hilarious And say something. hilarious hilarious 189 hilarious 00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,594 hilarious And i'm trying to think-- hilarious What am i gonna say? hilarious hilarious 190 hilarious 00:09:57,596 --> 00:10:02,265 hilarious What does--what do i look like hilarious To somebody like that? hilarious hilarious 191 hilarious 00:10:02,267 --> 00:10:03,967 hilarious And then i realize hilarious It's been way too long. hilarious hilarious 192 hilarious 00:10:03,969 --> 00:10:08,071 hilarious I've just been standing there, hilarious Staring at her. hilarious hilarious 193 hilarious 00:10:08,073 --> 00:10:09,639 hilarious [Grunts] hilarious hilarious 194 hilarious 00:10:09,641 --> 00:10:12,709 hilarious I want her! hilarious hilarious 195 hilarious 00:10:17,215 --> 00:10:20,183 hilarious I have no identity hilarious In the single world. hilarious hilarious 196 hilarious 00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:23,187 hilarious I can't--i look at them, hilarious I don't know what they're doing. hilarious hilarious 197 hilarious 00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:25,221 hilarious I--i tried just jerking off hilarious hilarious 198 hilarious 00:10:25,223 --> 00:10:26,490 hilarious to Girls Gone Wild hilarious The other day. hilarious hilarious 199 hilarious 00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:28,659 hilarious Just to re-enter hilarious The community that way. hilarious hilarious 200 hilarious 00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:30,326 hilarious Just to feel part of it. hilarious hilarious 201 hilarious 00:10:30,328 --> 00:10:31,528 hilarious And i bought it. hilarious hilarious 202 hilarious 00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,063 hilarious Not the commercial hilarious On Comedy Central. hilarious hilarious 203 hilarious 00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:34,798 hilarious I paid money like a grown-up. hilarious hilarious 204 hilarious 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,299 hilarious I put my credit card down hilarious hilarious 205 hilarious 00:10:36,301 --> 00:10:38,434 hilarious And waited for it hilarious To come to my house. hilarious hilarious 206 hilarious 00:10:38,436 --> 00:10:40,003 hilarious I'm an adult. hilarious hilarious 207 hilarious 00:10:40,005 --> 00:10:42,438 hilarious so i'm trying to jerk off hilarious To Girls Gone Wild. hilarious hilarious 208 hilarious 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,840 hilarious I can't do it, hilarious 'Cause i'm a father. hilarious hilarious 209 hilarious 00:10:43,842 --> 00:10:45,175 hilarious I'm too old. hilarious hilarious 210 hilarious 00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:51,114 hilarious I'm just getting mad hilarious At everybody in the video. hilarious hilarious 211 hilarious 00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:53,416 hilarious I'm like, "you fucking hilarious Irresponsible bitches. hilarious hilarious 212 hilarious 00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:55,719 hilarious Go back to school. hilarious What are you doing down there?" hilarious hilarious 213 hilarious 00:11:00,191 --> 00:11:02,059 hilarious "There's two wars And a depression. 214 00:11:02,061 --> 00:11:04,527 Put your--get the oil" hilarious off your tits and study, hilarious hilarious 215 hilarious 00:11:04,529 --> 00:11:06,563 hilarious For fuck's sake." hilarious hilarious 216 hilarious 00:11:12,203 --> 00:11:15,439 hilarious I just don't look at a woman hilarious As a pair of tits anymore, hilarious hilarious 217 hilarious 00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,507 hilarious And i wish i did, hilarious 'Cause i could get laid easier, hilarious hilarious 218 hilarious 00:11:17,509 --> 00:11:18,474 hilarious 'Cause that's what it takes. hilarious hilarious 219 hilarious 00:11:18,476 --> 00:11:20,243 hilarious Just to go-- hilarious [Grunting] hilarious hilarious 220 hilarious 00:11:22,613 --> 00:11:23,646 hilarious But i can't now. hilarious hilarious 221 hilarious 00:11:23,648 --> 00:11:24,747 hilarious Like, i went to a club. hilarious hilarious 222 hilarious 00:11:24,749 --> 00:11:26,382 hilarious I went to a club, hilarious You know, like, a... hilarious hilarious 223 hilarious 00:11:26,384 --> 00:11:28,518 hilarious [Imitates thumping club music] hilarious Like, a club. hilarious hilarious 224 hilarious 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,921 hilarious And i'm standing there hilarious Looking at all the people, hilarious hilarious 225 hilarious 00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:32,856 hilarious And there's the women-- hilarious The hot chicks. hilarious hilarious 226 hilarious 00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,358 hilarious The hot girl at the bar. hilarious hilarious 227 hilarious 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,692 hilarious You know when you see them, hilarious hilarious 228 hilarious 00:11:35,694 --> 00:11:37,327 hilarious That's just--she's a hot girl hilarious At the bar. hilarious hilarious 229 hilarious 00:11:37,329 --> 00:11:39,996 hilarious She's got the-- hilarious Got the shirt and the skirt, hilarious hilarious 230 hilarious 00:11:39,998 --> 00:11:40,997 hilarious And the boots. hilarious hilarious 231 hilarious 00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:42,232 hilarious Those three lines. hilarious hilarious 232 hilarious 00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:45,435 hilarious It's, like, some hilarious Perfect ratio that they hit hilarious hilarious 233 hilarious 00:11:45,437 --> 00:11:48,505 hilarious With those three lines, hilarious And you-- hilarious hilarious 234 hilarious 00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:50,274 hilarious And they're all hilarious Standing there like that. hilarious hilarious 235 hilarious 00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,808 hilarious And i used to look hilarious At somebody like that. hilarious hilarious 236 hilarious 00:11:51,810 --> 00:11:53,109 hilarious I'm like, hilarious "Wow, she's an angel. 237 00:11:53,111 --> 00:11:55,679 What could i ever say To make her like me?" hilarious hilarious 238 hilarious 00:11:55,681 --> 00:11:58,114 hilarious Now i look at her and i'm like, hilarious "What is that? 239 00:11:58,116 --> 00:11:59,215 Is that even a person?" hilarious hilarious 240 hilarious 00:11:59,217 --> 00:12:01,384 hilarious "What the fuck Kind of person is that? 241 00:12:01,386 --> 00:12:04,654 Is that an identity even? Who would want to be that?" hilarious hilarious 242 hilarious 00:12:04,656 --> 00:12:05,822 hilarious I have two daughters. hilarious hilarious 243 hilarious 00:12:05,824 --> 00:12:08,325 hilarious I pray they don't hilarious Grow up to be the-- hilarious hilarious 244 hilarious 00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,627 hilarious The hot girl at the bar. hilarious What kind of-- hilarious hilarious 245 hilarious 00:12:10,629 --> 00:12:11,761 hilarious Hey, what do you do? hilarious hilarious 246 hilarious 00:12:11,763 --> 00:12:13,029 hilarious People want to fuck me. hilarious hilarious 247 hilarious 00:12:13,031 --> 00:12:14,531 hilarious Really? That's it? hilarious hilarious 248 hilarious 00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:16,666 hilarious "Yeah. 249 00:12:16,668 --> 00:12:19,502 I go to this club, and they" hilarious Want to fuck me over here. hilarious hilarious 250 hilarious 00:12:19,504 --> 00:12:20,970 hilarious "Ha ha. 251 00:12:20,972 --> 00:12:23,773 Not you. Ha ha." hilarious hilarious 252 hilarious 00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:30,347 hilarious And their male counterparts hilarious Are even more useless. hilarious hilarious 253 hilarious 00:12:30,349 --> 00:12:31,748 hilarious The guys. hilarious hilarious 254 hilarious 00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,718 hilarious The dudes--the going out hilarious To get laid dudes. hilarious hilarious 255 hilarious 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,321 hilarious You know those guys hilarious That walk in packs of nine hilarious hilarious 256 hilarious 00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,122 hilarious Down the bar street. hilarious hilarious 257 hilarious 00:12:39,124 --> 00:12:40,791 hilarious The going out hilarious To get laid guys. hilarious hilarious 258 hilarious 00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,359 hilarious They all got the same hilarious Button-up, stripy, hilarious hilarious 259 hilarious 00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:47,364 hilarious Going out to get laid hilarious Shirt on. hilarious hilarious 260 hilarious 00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:49,599 hilarious They all got the same stride, hilarious hilarious 261 hilarious 00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:52,168 hilarious And there's one short hilarious Guy behind them like-- hilarious hilarious 262 hilarious 00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:00,610 hilarious And they-- hilarious They're all out to get-- hilarious hilarious 263 hilarious 00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:02,679 hilarious Like, who's gonna hilarious Fuck all nine of you? hilarious hilarious 264 hilarious 00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:04,948 hilarious What is the fantasy here? hilarious hilarious 265 hilarious 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:08,718 hilarious Are you gonna see nine women hilarious In the same configuration, hilarious hilarious 266 hilarious 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,854 hilarious And just all--? hilarious hilarious 267 hilarious 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:15,391 hilarious Are you all gonna walk hilarious Into a giant vagina somewhere? hilarious hilarious 268 hilarious 00:13:15,393 --> 00:13:17,727 hilarious Ha ha! Dude! hilarious hilarious 269 hilarious 00:13:22,467 --> 00:13:24,301 hilarious And then later they're in front hilarious of a pizza place, hilarious hilarious 270 hilarious 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,602 hilarious Just angry at each other. hilarious hilarious 271 hilarious 00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:28,905 hilarious "You said there was pussy there, You idiot!" hilarious hilarious 272 hilarious 00:13:28,907 --> 00:13:31,441 hilarious Shut up! hilarious hilarious 273 hilarious 00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:34,210 hilarious Then they beat up a stranger hilarious And get the energy out that way. hilarious hilarious 274 hilarious 00:13:34,212 --> 00:13:36,646 hilarious Faggot! hilarious hilarious 275 hilarious 00:13:42,119 --> 00:13:44,087 hilarious Those are the most hilarious dangerous people, hilarious hilarious 276 hilarious 00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:46,356 hilarious Are dudes hilarious That didn't get laid. hilarious hilarious 277 hilarious 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:48,725 hilarious They're just fucking-- hilarious [Grumbles] hilarious hilarious 278 hilarious 00:13:52,596 --> 00:13:56,900 hilarious Just full of come hilarious Coming out of their eyes. hilarious hilarious 279 hilarious 00:13:56,902 --> 00:13:59,802 hilarious "Fucking--fucking-- Fuck somebody." hilarious hilarious 280 hilarious 00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:04,474 hilarious Stand there. hilarious hilarious 281 hilarious 00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:06,009 hilarious I love dudes hilarious That hang out together hilarious hilarious 282 hilarious 00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,377 hilarious And do the whole-- hilarious hilarious 283 hilarious 00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:08,811 hilarious I saw this group of guys, hilarious hilarious 284 hilarious 00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:10,713 hilarious And one of 'em was such a guy, hilarious hilarious 285 hilarious 00:14:10,715 --> 00:14:13,016 hilarious He had it turned up so high hilarious That it was crazy. hilarious hilarious 286 hilarious 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,451 hilarious His friends hilarious Were kind of normal. hilarious hilarious 287 hilarious 00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:16,153 hilarious He was like-- hilarious hilarious 288 hilarious 00:14:18,222 --> 00:14:21,458 hilarious I'm like, "what? Is that-- hilarious That can't be real. hilarious hilarious 289 hilarious 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:23,826 hilarious That can't be a personality." hilarious hilarious 290 hilarious 00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:25,395 hilarious Does he do that at 4:00 hilarious In the morning hilarious hilarious 291 hilarious 00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:27,297 hilarious When he's peeing hilarious And nobody's in his apartment? hilarious hilarious 292 hilarious 00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,998 hilarious He's like-- hilarious hilarious 293 hilarious 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,574 hilarious And he kept doing that gesture hilarious That guys like to do. hilarious hilarious 294 hilarious 00:14:38,576 --> 00:14:40,676 hilarious The... hilarious hilarious 295 hilarious 00:14:40,678 --> 00:14:42,212 hilarious That's my favorite hilarious Dumb guy gesture. hilarious hilarious 296 hilarious 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,514 hilarious Yeah. Pfft. hilarious hilarious 297 hilarious 00:14:44,516 --> 00:14:47,150 hilarious Pffsh, yeah, right. hilarious hilarious 298 hilarious 00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,021 hilarious I always wonder, hilarious What if there was a guy hilarious hilarious 299 hilarious 00:14:52,023 --> 00:14:53,823 hilarious Who, whenever he does this, hilarious hilarious 300 hilarious 00:14:53,825 --> 00:14:57,860 hilarious He has to finish. hilarious hilarious 301 hilarious 00:14:57,862 --> 00:15:00,363 hilarious Like, just some guy hilarious Who works in your office. hilarious hilarious 302 hilarious 00:15:00,365 --> 00:15:02,765 hilarious You ask him a question. hilarious Hey, is Bill in yet? hilarious hilarious 303 hilarious 00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:04,901 hilarious "Yeah, Like, he's ever on time." hilarious hilarious 304 hilarious 00:15:48,412 --> 00:15:49,412 hilarious [Whispers] hilarious Oh, fuck. hilarious hilarious 305 hilarious 00:15:49,414 --> 00:15:53,950 hilarious [Cheers and applause] hilarious hilarious 306 hilarious 00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:56,453 hilarious [Breathes heavily] hilarious hilarious 307 hilarious 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,722 hilarious "Oh, shit. 308 00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:00,423 Seriously, that dude's" hilarious Always late, man. hilarious hilarious 309 hilarious 00:16:00,425 --> 00:16:02,359 hilarious I'm serious." hilarious hilarious 310 hilarious 00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:04,461 hilarious [Stammers] hilarious hilarious 311 hilarious 00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:12,168 hilarious It's always an odd moment hilarious In a guy's life, hilarious hilarious 312 hilarious 00:16:12,170 --> 00:16:13,470 hilarious The second after you come, hilarious hilarious 313 hilarious 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:17,373 hilarious And you're like-- hilarious [Shudders] hilarious hilarious 314 hilarious 00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:20,209 hilarious Reality comes rushing back. hilarious hilarious 315 hilarious 00:16:20,211 --> 00:16:21,845 hilarious 'Cause you've been hilarious Pushing reality away hilarious hilarious 316 hilarious 00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:23,112 hilarious In pieces hilarious All night to get the-- hilarious hilarious 317 hilarious 00:16:23,114 --> 00:16:24,180 hilarious "Oh, no, it's fine. 318 00:16:24,182 --> 00:16:26,649 Yeah, no," hilarious It doesn't matter. hilarious hilarious 319 hilarious 00:16:26,651 --> 00:16:27,817 hilarious "No, i'll just Leave my car there. 320 00:16:27,819 --> 00:16:30,286 It doesn't matter." hilarious I'll just go... hilarious hilarious 321 hilarious 00:16:30,288 --> 00:16:32,855 hilarious "Doesn't matter... This is weird... 322 00:16:32,857 --> 00:16:33,789 Ah, fuck." hilarious hilarious 323 hilarious 00:16:33,791 --> 00:16:35,825 hilarious And then hilarious You're just like-- hilarious hilarious 324 hilarious 00:16:35,827 --> 00:16:38,761 hilarious You're like the Hulk coming hilarious back down to the other guy. hilarious hilarious 325 hilarious 00:16:44,135 --> 00:16:46,269 hilarious My clothes are ripped hilarious And there's a dead guy here. hilarious hilarious 326 hilarious 00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:50,573 hilarious I don't know what happened. hilarious hilarious 327 hilarious 00:16:50,575 --> 00:16:54,444 hilarious I'm gonna get my duffle bag hilarious And leave town again. hilarious hilarious 328 hilarious 00:16:54,446 --> 00:16:56,880 hilarious [Whistles] hilarious hilarious 329 hilarious 00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:03,553 hilarious So this is hilarious A beautiful theater. hilarious hilarious 330 hilarious 00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:05,789 hilarious I like what i do, hilarious hilarious 331 hilarious 00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,724 hilarious Because i get to work hilarious In a lot of different places. hilarious hilarious 332 hilarious 00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:10,860 hilarious And, uh, recently hilarious I did a show in New Jersey hilarious hilarious 333 hilarious 00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:15,865 hilarious In the auditorium hilarious of a technical High School. hilarious hilarious 334 hilarious 00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:19,903 hilarious I forgot that existed. hilarious technical High School. hilarious hilarious 335 hilarious 00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:23,373 hilarious That's where dreams hilarious Are narrowed down. hilarious hilarious 336 hilarious 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:26,042 hilarious That's-- hilarious hilarious 337 hilarious 00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:29,946 hilarious 'Cause we tell our children, hilarious You can do anything you want. hilarious hilarious 338 hilarious 00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:32,816 hilarious Their whole lives. hilarious You can do anything. hilarious hilarious 339 hilarious 00:17:32,818 --> 00:17:34,550 hilarious But at this place, hilarious We take kids-- hilarious hilarious 340 hilarious 00:17:34,552 --> 00:17:36,286 hilarious Like, they're 15. hilarious They're young. hilarious hilarious 341 hilarious 00:17:36,288 --> 00:17:40,790 hilarious And we tell them, hilarious "You can do eight things. 342 00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:45,161 We got it down To eight for you." hilarious hilarious 343 hilarious 00:17:45,163 --> 00:17:46,729 hilarious And i'm not saying hilarious These people are stupid. hilarious hilarious 344 hilarious 00:17:46,731 --> 00:17:47,997 hilarious Because i'm stupid. hilarious hilarious 345 hilarious 00:17:47,999 --> 00:17:50,200 hilarious I really am stupid, hilarious And it bothers me. hilarious hilarious 346 hilarious 00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:52,234 hilarious Like, hilarious I wish i was more stupid, hilarious hilarious 347 hilarious 00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:53,636 hilarious 'Cause then it wouldn't-- hilarious hilarious 348 hilarious 00:17:53,638 --> 00:17:55,805 hilarious I would--just all hilarious My thoughts would just be-- hilarious hilarious 349 hilarious 00:17:55,807 --> 00:17:57,740 hilarious [Murmuring] hilarious hilarious 350 hilarious 00:18:04,782 --> 00:18:06,349 hilarious But instead, hilarious Here's how my brain works. hilarious hilarious 351 hilarious 00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:08,918 hilarious It's stupidity hilarious Followed by self-hatred hilarious hilarious 352 hilarious 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,920 hilarious And then further analysis. hilarious hilarious 353 hilarious 00:18:10,922 --> 00:18:13,990 hilarious It's not a very efficient hilarious System of thought. hilarious hilarious 354 hilarious 00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:16,659 hilarious I have these dumb thoughts, hilarious Duh, hilarious hilarious 355 hilarious 00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:18,561 hilarious And then i go, "what the fuck hilarious Is wrong with you?" hilarious hilarious 356 hilarious 00:18:18,563 --> 00:18:23,766 hilarious And then i figure it out. hilarious hilarious 357 hilarious 00:18:23,768 --> 00:18:25,668 hilarious But the impulse hilarious Is always stupid. hilarious hilarious 358 hilarious 00:18:25,670 --> 00:18:27,603 hilarious Like, i saw this guy hilarious In New York one day, hilarious hilarious 359 hilarious 00:18:27,605 --> 00:18:29,172 hilarious And he's walking his dog, hilarious hilarious 360 hilarious 00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,206 hilarious And this is what i saw. hilarious hilarious 361 hilarious 00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:31,708 hilarious The guy's got a-- hilarious He's got a coffee hilarious hilarious 362 hilarious 00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:33,943 hilarious And a dog on a leash, hilarious And a phone. hilarious hilarious 363 hilarious 00:18:33,945 --> 00:18:35,045 hilarious He's on the phone. hilarious hilarious 364 hilarious 00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,546 hilarious So he's got hilarious His phone like this, hilarious hilarious 365 hilarious 00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,849 hilarious And the dog's leash is going hilarious From the phone hand to the dog. hilarious hilarious 366 hilarious 00:18:39,851 --> 00:18:41,518 hilarious And i look at this and i go, hilarious hilarious 367 hilarious 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,287 hilarious "Oh, he's got, like, A dog phone." hilarious hilarious 368 hilarious 00:18:48,592 --> 00:18:52,194 hilarious Like, that thought hilarious Sincerely inhabited me hilarious hilarious 369 hilarious 00:18:52,196 --> 00:18:54,664 hilarious For, like, a full minute. hilarious hilarious 370 hilarious 00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,066 hilarious I'm going, "oh, i wonder hilarious What the benefits are hilarious hilarious 371 hilarious 00:18:57,068 --> 00:19:01,103 hilarious To hooking hilarious Your phone up to a dog." hilarious hilarious 372 hilarious 00:19:01,105 --> 00:19:02,605 hilarious And then the other part of me hilarious Had to go, hilarious hilarious 373 hilarious 00:19:02,607 --> 00:19:04,774 hilarious "Why the fuck Would that exist? 374 00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:07,711 You asshole." hilarious hilarious 375 hilarious 00:19:11,048 --> 00:19:14,150 hilarious I had a string of bad-- hilarious Dumb thoughts the other day. hilarious hilarious 376 hilarious 00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:17,086 hilarious I was--i don't remember hilarious What town i was in. hilarious hilarious 377 hilarious 00:19:17,088 --> 00:19:18,354 hilarious I was on the road. hilarious hilarious 378 hilarious 00:19:18,356 --> 00:19:20,456 hilarious I was just standing hilarious In front of my hotel. hilarious hilarious 379 hilarious 00:19:20,458 --> 00:19:22,525 hilarious It was 5:00 in the afternoon. hilarious hilarious 380 hilarious 00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:24,527 hilarious That's usually what i'm doing hilarious At 5:00 in the afternoon. hilarious hilarious 381 hilarious 00:19:24,529 --> 00:19:26,896 hilarious Just standing in front hilarious of my hotel. hilarious hilarious 382 hilarious 00:19:26,898 --> 00:19:29,265 hilarious Because i've been hilarious Inside all day. hilarious hilarious 383 hilarious 00:19:29,267 --> 00:19:31,600 hilarious Just with the jacking off hilarious And the ice cream. hilarious hilarious 384 hilarious 00:19:31,602 --> 00:19:33,069 hilarious It's just horrible. hilarious hilarious 385 hilarious 00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:35,604 hilarious It's, like, a horrible thing. hilarious hilarious 386 hilarious 00:19:35,606 --> 00:19:37,073 hilarious All day. hilarious hilarious 387 hilarious 00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:40,176 hilarious Just depths of fucking hell. hilarious hilarious 388 hilarious 00:19:40,178 --> 00:19:42,345 hilarious Just--i wake up, hilarious I get, like, chicken wings. hilarious hilarious 389 hilarious 00:19:42,347 --> 00:19:44,213 hilarious Shit nobody eats hilarious At 10:00 a.M. hilarious hilarious 390 hilarious 00:19:44,215 --> 00:19:47,083 hilarious Like, really--hot wings hilarious And i eat 'em all, hilarious hilarious 391 hilarious 00:19:47,085 --> 00:19:49,152 hilarious And then i'm like, "uh..." hilarious hilarious 392 hilarious 00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:51,320 hilarious So i get ice cream hilarious To cool it off, you know? hilarious hilarious 393 hilarious 00:19:51,322 --> 00:19:53,589 hilarious Like... hilarious And then i feel worse, hilarious hilarious 394 hilarious 00:19:53,591 --> 00:19:56,859 hilarious So i jack off and pass out. hilarious hilarious 395 hilarious 00:19:56,861 --> 00:19:59,929 hilarious I turn off my phone hilarious In case my kids call. hilarious hilarious 396 hilarious 00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:03,366 hilarious I can't fucking face anybody. hilarious hilarious 397 hilarious 00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,734 hilarious I wake up covered with hilarious Three kinds of shame glaze hilarious hilarious 398 hilarious 00:20:05,736 --> 00:20:08,404 hilarious Just covering my body. hilarious hilarious 399 hilarious 00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:16,045 hilarious And so right around 5:00 hilarious In the afternoon hilarious hilarious 400 hilarious 00:20:16,047 --> 00:20:17,480 hilarious It starts getting dark, hilarious hilarious 401 hilarious 00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:19,482 hilarious And i'm like, "i got to be hilarious In the daylight just once." hilarious hilarious 402 hilarious 00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:21,717 hilarious I have to at least hilarious One time in the day hilarious hilarious 403 hilarious 00:20:21,719 --> 00:20:23,386 hilarious Be in the daylight. hilarious hilarious 404 hilarious 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,854 hilarious And that's-- hilarious I just stand there. That's it. hilarious hilarious 405 hilarious 00:20:25,856 --> 00:20:28,924 hilarious Like a fucking mental patient hilarious In a bathrobe. hilarious hilarious 406 hilarious 00:20:28,926 --> 00:20:30,793 hilarious Just-- hilarious hilarious 407 hilarious 00:20:40,003 --> 00:20:43,038 hilarious Cigarette burns hilarious On the robe and shit. hilarious hilarious 408 hilarious 00:20:45,242 --> 00:20:48,111 hilarious Some girl telling me hilarious She got married. hilarious hilarious 409 hilarious 00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,045 hilarious I'm not listening. hilarious hilarious 410 hilarious 00:20:50,047 --> 00:20:52,848 hilarious "Daddy, This is my husband." hilarious hilarious 411 hilarious 00:20:59,389 --> 00:21:02,691 hilarious That's what it feels like, hilarious Anyway. hilarious hilarious 412 hilarious 00:21:02,693 --> 00:21:04,927 hilarious And i started hilarious Looking at people, hilarious hilarious 413 hilarious 00:21:04,929 --> 00:21:06,695 hilarious And they're all crispy-clothed hilarious hilarious 414 hilarious 00:21:06,697 --> 00:21:09,332 hilarious And rosy-cheeked hilarious And full of purpose, hilarious hilarious 415 hilarious 00:21:09,334 --> 00:21:12,101 hilarious And they're making me hilarious Feel worse. hilarious hilarious 416 hilarious 00:21:12,103 --> 00:21:13,902 hilarious And i'm about to go back hilarious In the hotel hilarious hilarious 417 hilarious 00:21:13,904 --> 00:21:17,340 hilarious And jack off another time. hilarious hilarious 418 hilarious 00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,841 hilarious And then i look hilarious Across the street hilarious hilarious 419 hilarious 00:21:18,843 --> 00:21:19,876 hilarious And i see this couple, hilarious hilarious 420 hilarious 00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:21,978 hilarious And they were just striking. hilarious hilarious 421 hilarious 00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,279 hilarious They were a beautiful couple. hilarious hilarious 422 hilarious 00:21:23,281 --> 00:21:26,749 hilarious It was a beautiful woman hilarious With a beautiful man. hilarious hilarious 423 hilarious 00:21:26,751 --> 00:21:28,818 hilarious I'll say he's beautiful. hilarious I got no problem with it. hilarious hilarious 424 hilarious 00:21:28,820 --> 00:21:29,819 hilarious I'll suck his dick too. hilarious hilarious 425 hilarious 00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:30,987 hilarious I don't need your permission. hilarious hilarious 426 hilarious 00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:32,455 hilarious I don't care. hilarious hilarious 427 hilarious 00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:36,926 hilarious Walk right over there hilarious And suck his dick. hilarious hilarious 428 hilarious 00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:39,628 hilarious I mean, i never did that, hilarious But i'm 41. hilarious hilarious 429 hilarious 00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:40,964 hilarious Maybe i'll do hilarious The second half gay. hilarious hilarious 430 hilarious 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:42,899 hilarious I don't know. hilarious hilarious 431 hilarious 00:21:46,737 --> 00:21:48,371 hilarious It remains an option. hilarious hilarious 432 hilarious 00:21:48,373 --> 00:21:50,139 hilarious There's got to be hilarious Something to it. hilarious hilarious 433 hilarious 00:21:50,141 --> 00:21:51,707 hilarious Those folks hilarious Are having a good time. hilarious hilarious 434 hilarious 00:21:51,709 --> 00:21:56,212 hilarious They have parades. hilarious hilarious 435 hilarious 00:21:56,214 --> 00:21:58,547 hilarious They--there's no parades hilarious For how i get laid. hilarious hilarious 436 hilarious 00:21:58,549 --> 00:22:00,449 hilarious They have parades. hilarious hilarious 437 hilarious 00:22:00,451 --> 00:22:02,018 hilarious Marching down the street hilarious hilarious 438 hilarious 00:22:02,020 --> 00:22:03,686 hilarious To celebrate that hilarious They blow each other hilarious hilarious 439 hilarious 00:22:03,688 --> 00:22:06,822 hilarious And fuck each other hilarious In the ass. hilarious hilarious 440 hilarious 00:22:06,824 --> 00:22:08,658 hilarious Smush their vaginas together, hilarious hilarious 441 hilarious 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:10,793 hilarious Or whatever that one is. hilarious hilarious 442 hilarious 00:22:13,396 --> 00:22:15,264 hilarious Whatever wonderful thing hilarious Those folks are doing hilarious hilarious 443 hilarious 00:22:15,266 --> 00:22:23,039 hilarious That's none of my business. hilarious hilarious 444 hilarious 00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:24,640 hilarious So i--okay, hilarious So i'm looking at the couple, hilarious hilarious 445 hilarious 00:22:24,642 --> 00:22:27,643 hilarious And they're walking hilarious On the other side of the street, hilarious hilarious 446 hilarious 00:22:27,645 --> 00:22:29,344 hilarious And they have a child with them. hilarious hilarious 447 hilarious 00:22:29,346 --> 00:22:30,780 hilarious But i can't see their child, hilarious hilarious 448 hilarious 00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:32,715 hilarious 'Cause there's, like, hilarious A dumpster and some other stuff. hilarious hilarious 449 hilarious 00:22:32,717 --> 00:22:34,283 hilarious I just see, like, hilarious A little head. hilarious hilarious 450 hilarious 00:22:34,285 --> 00:22:36,986 hilarious And i'm waiting, i'm curious hilarious What their kid looks like, hilarious hilarious 451 hilarious 00:22:36,988 --> 00:22:38,187 hilarious Because they're so beautiful. hilarious hilarious 452 hilarious 00:22:38,189 --> 00:22:39,522 hilarious Maybe i want hilarious To fuck their kid. hilarious hilarious 453 hilarious 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:40,523 hilarious I don't know. hilarious hilarious 454 hilarious 00:22:40,525 --> 00:22:44,760 hilarious [Laughs] hilarious hilarious 455 hilarious 00:22:44,762 --> 00:22:47,063 hilarious That--that's just me hilarious Saying something terrible hilarious hilarious 456 hilarious 00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:49,365 hilarious Because it makes me laugh hilarious That it upsets you. hilarious hilarious 457 hilarious 00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:51,367 hilarious That's all that is. hilarious Just so you know. hilarious hilarious 458 hilarious 00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:55,304 hilarious It's just--it's just enjoyable hilarious To me that you're upset. hilarious hilarious 459 hilarious 00:22:55,306 --> 00:22:58,174 hilarious That's all it is. hilarious I'm not gonna fuck a kid. hilarious hilarious 460 hilarious 00:22:58,176 --> 00:23:00,276 hilarious I wouldn't do that. hilarious Maybe a dead kid. hilarious hilarious 461 hilarious 00:23:00,278 --> 00:23:02,111 hilarious Who are you hurting? hilarious He's dead. hilarious hilarious 462 hilarious 00:23:02,113 --> 00:23:05,281 hilarious Who are you hurting? hilarious hilarious 463 hilarious 00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:08,284 hilarious I'm not saying i would kill hilarious A kid and fuck him. hilarious hilarious 464 hilarious 00:23:08,286 --> 00:23:10,820 hilarious I'm saying if i found hilarious A dead kid in a field hilarious hilarious 465 hilarious 00:23:10,822 --> 00:23:13,022 hilarious And it wasn't raining, hilarious I might take a shot. hilarious hilarious 466 hilarious 00:23:13,024 --> 00:23:14,190 hilarious I don't know. hilarious hilarious 467 hilarious 00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:16,392 hilarious I haven't been hilarious In that situation. hilarious hilarious 468 hilarious 00:23:16,394 --> 00:23:19,862 hilarious All right. hilarious hilarious 469 hilarious 00:23:19,864 --> 00:23:21,463 hilarious [Laughs] hilarious hilarious 470 hilarious 00:23:21,465 --> 00:23:24,133 hilarious Oh, sorry. hilarious hilarious 471 hilarious 00:23:26,804 --> 00:23:27,971 hilarious All right. Okay. hilarious hilarious 472 hilarious 00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:31,908 hilarious So i'm looking hilarious At the couple, and... hilarious hilarious 473 hilarious 00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,075 hilarious [Sighs] hilarious hilarious 474 hilarious 00:23:37,514 --> 00:23:38,981 hilarious They got a kid with them, hilarious hilarious 475 hilarious 00:23:38,983 --> 00:23:40,215 hilarious And i'm curious hilarious What their kid looks like. hilarious hilarious 476 hilarious 00:23:40,217 --> 00:23:41,383 hilarious And they come hilarious Around the corner, hilarious hilarious 477 hilarious 00:23:41,385 --> 00:23:42,952 hilarious And they're--and this hilarious Is a true story. hilarious hilarious 478 hilarious 00:23:42,954 --> 00:23:44,219 hilarious It wasn't a kid. hilarious hilarious 479 hilarious 00:23:44,221 --> 00:23:50,192 hilarious It was a little old chinese hilarious Woman walking next to them. hilarious hilarious 480 hilarious 00:23:50,194 --> 00:23:51,861 hilarious And here's what hilarious My dumb brain tells me. hilarious hilarious 481 hilarious 00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:56,532 hilarious I go, "oh, that's what hilarious Their child is like." hilarious hilarious 482 hilarious 00:23:56,534 --> 00:23:59,301 hilarious Not like, "oh, she's hilarious A separate person. hilarious hilarious 483 hilarious 00:23:59,303 --> 00:24:00,703 hilarious She's not with them." hilarious hilarious 484 hilarious 00:24:00,705 --> 00:24:02,005 hilarious I'm like, hilarious "Oh, that young couple 485 00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:05,141 Gave birth to a tiny," hilarious Elderly chinese woman. hilarious hilarious 486 hilarious 00:24:05,143 --> 00:24:07,476 hilarious Isn't that interesting?" hilarious hilarious 487 hilarious 00:24:07,478 --> 00:24:08,945 hilarious And then the other hilarious Part of me had to go, hilarious hilarious 488 hilarious 00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:10,813 hilarious "Dude, you-- 489 00:24:10,815 --> 00:24:13,482 Yeah, that's what happened." hilarious Yes. hilarious hilarious 490 hilarious 00:24:13,484 --> 00:24:17,286 hilarious Asshole." hilarious hilarious 491 hilarious 00:24:17,288 --> 00:24:19,088 hilarious And then i was looking hilarious At the little old chinese lady. hilarious hilarious 492 hilarious 00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:21,157 hilarious She was--there was hilarious A beauty to her. hilarious hilarious 493 hilarious 00:24:21,159 --> 00:24:22,491 hilarious She's just tiny, little, hilarious Old ch-- hilarious hilarious 494 hilarious 00:24:22,493 --> 00:24:24,493 hilarious I was staring at her hilarious 'Cause i was fascinated by her. hilarious hilarious 495 hilarious 00:24:24,495 --> 00:24:25,761 hilarious I don't know anybody like her, hilarious hilarious 496 hilarious 00:24:25,763 --> 00:24:29,232 hilarious And i am so not hilarious A little old chinese lady. hilarious hilarious 497 hilarious 00:24:29,234 --> 00:24:31,533 hilarious That i--i was like, hilarious What are her thoughts? hilarious hilarious 498 hilarious 00:24:31,535 --> 00:24:33,102 hilarious That was what hilarious I was burning inside with. hilarious hilarious 499 hilarious 00:24:33,104 --> 00:24:34,837 hilarious What is she thinking hilarious Right now? hilarious hilarious 500 hilarious 00:24:34,839 --> 00:24:36,071 hilarious I can never know. hilarious hilarious 501 hilarious 00:24:36,073 --> 00:24:37,807 hilarious And i really--the dumb brain hilarious hilarious 502 hilarious 00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,408 hilarious Is telling me hilarious That she's just thinking-- hilarious hilarious 503 hilarious 00:24:39,410 --> 00:24:42,277 hilarious [Imitates chinese] hilarious hilarious 504 hilarious 00:24:42,279 --> 00:24:45,748 hilarious That's how dumb i am. hilarious hilarious 505 hilarious 00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:51,054 hilarious That i think chinese hilarious Gibberish that i made up... hilarious hilarious 506 hilarious 00:24:52,389 --> 00:24:56,559 hilarious Is in her hilarious Actually chinese mind. hilarious hilarious 507 hilarious 00:24:56,561 --> 00:24:57,359 hilarious That's all. hilarious Just-- hilarious hilarious 508 hilarious 00:24:57,361 --> 00:24:59,795 hilarious Me chinese. hilarious [Imitates chinese] hilarious hilarious 509 hilarious 00:25:04,835 --> 00:25:07,503 hilarious Course i didn't--i can't know hilarious What she was thinking. hilarious hilarious 510 hilarious 00:25:07,505 --> 00:25:08,704 hilarious She could be thinking hilarious Anything. hilarious hilarious 511 hilarious 00:25:08,706 --> 00:25:10,372 hilarious Eh, black people steal. hilarious hilarious 512 hilarious 00:25:10,374 --> 00:25:12,007 hilarious So i'm like-- hilarious hilarious 513 hilarious 00:25:12,009 --> 00:25:13,809 hilarious She might-- hilarious I'm not saying they steal. hilarious hilarious 514 hilarious 00:25:13,811 --> 00:25:15,611 hilarious I'm saying that fucking hilarious Racist chinese lady hilarious hilarious 515 hilarious 00:25:15,613 --> 00:25:16,712 hilarious Might have been thinking it. hilarious hilarious 516 hilarious 00:25:16,714 --> 00:25:19,749 hilarious She might have been. hilarious It's possible. hilarious hilarious 517 hilarious 00:25:24,021 --> 00:25:25,588 hilarious And i went to England. hilarious hilarious 518 hilarious 00:25:25,590 --> 00:25:27,756 hilarious I spent a month there. hilarious I liked England. hilarious hilarious 519 hilarious 00:25:27,758 --> 00:25:28,657 hilarious Everything's different. hilarious hilarious 520 hilarious 00:25:28,659 --> 00:25:29,959 hilarious I mean, that's obvious, hilarious hilarious 521 hilarious 00:25:29,961 --> 00:25:31,393 hilarious But some of hilarious The differences were cool. hilarious hilarious 522 hilarious 00:25:31,395 --> 00:25:32,628 hilarious I like the money, hilarious The money-- hilarious hilarious 523 hilarious 00:25:32,630 --> 00:25:35,198 hilarious Instead of a dollar bill hilarious They have the pound coin. hilarious hilarious 524 hilarious 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,399 hilarious And it's a coin and hilarious You throw it on the counter. hilarious hilarious 525 hilarious 00:25:37,401 --> 00:25:38,400 hilarious It felt kind of cool. hilarious hilarious 526 hilarious 00:25:38,402 --> 00:25:40,402 hilarious Like the old west. hilarious hilarious 527 hilarious 00:25:40,404 --> 00:25:43,305 hilarious Like going on the--you know, hilarious Being on the dusty trail. hilarious hilarious 528 hilarious 00:25:43,307 --> 00:25:47,110 hilarious You see a saloon, so you walk hilarious Over to it with your horse. hilarious hilarious 529 hilarious 00:25:47,112 --> 00:25:51,948 hilarious You throw the rope hilarious Vaguely at the pole outside. hilarious hilarious 530 hilarious 00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:54,884 hilarious That thing they do. hilarious hilarious 531 hilarious 00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:56,185 hilarious It's my whole life hilarious On that horse. hilarious hilarious 532 hilarious 00:25:56,187 --> 00:26:00,723 hilarious Should be fine. hilarious Just... hilarious hilarious 533 hilarious 00:26:00,725 --> 00:26:02,892 hilarious Walk in the saloon. hilarious hilarious 534 hilarious 00:26:02,894 --> 00:26:05,962 hilarious "Give me a beer, The bottle of whiskey, 535 00:26:05,964 --> 00:26:07,663 And a room for a week," hilarious hilarious 536 hilarious 00:26:07,665 --> 00:26:11,433 hilarious "Steak dinner, shave And a haircut and a bath, 537 00:26:11,435 --> 00:26:13,302 And some new clothes" hilarious And a hat and some boots, hilarious hilarious 538 hilarious 00:26:13,304 --> 00:26:16,205 hilarious And some oats for my horse, hilarious And a woman." hilarious hilarious 539 hilarious 00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:18,641 hilarious Here you go. hilarious Ping. hilarious hilarious 540 hilarious 00:26:18,643 --> 00:26:21,144 hilarious That's all. hilarious hilarious 541 hilarious 00:26:21,146 --> 00:26:25,081 hilarious One heavy coin. hilarious You're fine. hilarious hilarious 542 hilarious 00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:30,153 hilarious Nobody adds up all those things hilarious You mentioned. hilarious hilarious 543 hilarious 00:26:30,155 --> 00:26:34,157 hilarious They don't check hilarious To see what coin it was. hilarious hilarious 544 hilarious 00:26:34,159 --> 00:26:37,026 hilarious The guy just keeps hilarious Drying the glass. hilarious hilarious 545 hilarious 00:26:40,564 --> 00:26:42,198 hilarious Things were very vague hilarious Back then. hilarious hilarious 546 hilarious 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,033 hilarious Things just cost money. hilarious hilarious 547 hilarious 00:26:44,035 --> 00:26:45,367 hilarious Hey, how much is that? hilarious hilarious 548 hilarious 00:26:45,369 --> 00:26:49,238 hilarious Money. hilarious hilarious 549 hilarious 00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,174 hilarious In the old english movies, hilarious It was different. hilarious hilarious 550 hilarious 00:26:51,176 --> 00:26:52,809 hilarious It was a little sack of coins. hilarious hilarious 551 hilarious 00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:54,844 hilarious Remember that little hilarious Drawstring sack hilarious hilarious 552 hilarious 00:26:54,846 --> 00:26:57,180 hilarious Tossed over hilarious By some faggy lord hilarious hilarious 553 hilarious 00:26:57,182 --> 00:27:00,783 hilarious With a ruffled shirt. hilarious hilarious 554 hilarious 00:27:00,785 --> 00:27:03,119 hilarious Throw it disdainfully down hilarious To some commoner hilarious hilarious 555 hilarious 00:27:03,121 --> 00:27:06,355 hilarious Who's gonna do something hilarious Beneath his station. hilarious hilarious 556 hilarious 00:27:06,357 --> 00:27:10,426 hilarious "Follow the girl and report Back to me at midnight. 557 00:27:10,428 --> 00:27:12,761 Bring a shovel and a sack" hilarious hilarious 558 hilarious 00:27:12,763 --> 00:27:17,900 hilarious "And two reliable men Such as yourselves. 559 00:27:17,902 --> 00:27:19,368 Oh, what's that?" hilarious Oh, yes, of course. hilarious hilarious 560 hilarious 00:27:19,370 --> 00:27:21,337 hilarious Well, hilarious This ought to be sufficient." hilarious hilarious 561 hilarious 00:27:21,339 --> 00:27:22,705 hilarious Meh, just--shink. hilarious hilarious 562 hilarious 00:27:22,707 --> 00:27:24,773 hilarious Oh, thank you, sir. hilarious hilarious 563 hilarious 00:27:24,775 --> 00:27:29,045 hilarious The guy's so happy hilarious To get a general amount hilarious hilarious 564 hilarious 00:27:29,047 --> 00:27:31,280 hilarious of some kind hilarious of currency or another. hilarious hilarious 565 hilarious 00:27:31,282 --> 00:27:32,648 hilarious He didn't, like, count it. hilarious hilarious 566 hilarious 00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:34,717 hilarious Like, "i think you only gave me hilarious Enough for the shovel. hilarious hilarious 567 hilarious 00:27:34,719 --> 00:27:38,687 hilarious There's not enough there." hilarious hilarious 568 hilarious 00:27:38,689 --> 00:27:41,123 hilarious That was a good time hilarious In our economy, hilarious hilarious 569 hilarious 00:27:41,125 --> 00:27:43,692 hilarious When you needed to have gold hilarious To buy shit. hilarious hilarious 570 hilarious 00:27:43,694 --> 00:27:45,828 hilarious We might be going back to that hilarious Pretty soon too. hilarious hilarious 571 hilarious 00:27:45,830 --> 00:27:48,364 hilarious Things are pretty fucked up. hilarious hilarious 572 hilarious 00:27:48,366 --> 00:27:50,799 hilarious People are a little bit scared. hilarious But you know what? hilarious hilarious 573 hilarious 00:27:50,801 --> 00:27:52,201 hilarious How bad could it really get? hilarious hilarious 574 hilarious 00:27:52,203 --> 00:27:54,202 hilarious I mean, most Americans hilarious Have so much crap hilarious hilarious 575 hilarious 00:27:54,204 --> 00:27:56,071 hilarious You could lose most of it hilarious hilarious 576 hilarious 00:27:56,073 --> 00:27:57,773 hilarious And still be-- hilarious Have more shit hilarious hilarious 577 hilarious 00:27:57,775 --> 00:27:59,208 hilarious Than the average Canadian, hilarious Even. hilarious hilarious 578 hilarious 00:27:59,210 --> 00:28:02,311 hilarious Like, we're the fattest hilarious People in the world, hilarious hilarious 579 hilarious 00:28:02,313 --> 00:28:03,679 hilarious And we just have hilarious All this shit, hilarious hilarious 580 hilarious 00:28:03,681 --> 00:28:04,780 hilarious And we hate it. hilarious hilarious 581 hilarious 00:28:04,782 --> 00:28:07,483 hilarious We're just miserable hilarious With our phones. hilarious hilarious 582 hilarious 00:28:07,485 --> 00:28:09,418 hilarious Fucking... hilarious [Murmurs] hilarious hilarious 583 hilarious 00:28:09,420 --> 00:28:12,488 hilarious Just angry all the time. hilarious hilarious 584 hilarious 00:28:12,490 --> 00:28:15,324 hilarious And i worry about hilarious The economy failing, hilarious hilarious 585 hilarious 00:28:15,326 --> 00:28:16,725 hilarious Because we don't-- hilarious We can't even-- hilarious hilarious 586 hilarious 00:28:16,727 --> 00:28:18,627 hilarious We're miserable hilarious With a great life. hilarious hilarious 587 hilarious 00:28:18,629 --> 00:28:19,995 hilarious Like, i don't know hilarious How the fuck hilarious hilarious 588 hilarious 00:28:19,997 --> 00:28:21,430 hilarious We're gonna deal with, like, hilarious hilarious 589 hilarious 00:28:21,432 --> 00:28:23,799 hilarious When you got to move your mom hilarious Into the cellar and shit hilarious hilarious 590 hilarious 00:28:23,801 --> 00:28:27,936 hilarious And, like, have, like, hilarious Serious problems. hilarious hilarious 591 hilarious 00:28:27,938 --> 00:28:29,771 hilarious Because we have, like-- hilarious Up till now, hilarious hilarious 592 hilarious 00:28:29,773 --> 00:28:31,807 hilarious We have white-- hilarious We have white people problems hilarious hilarious 593 hilarious 00:28:31,809 --> 00:28:33,109 hilarious In America, hilarious That's what we have. hilarious hilarious 594 hilarious 00:28:33,111 --> 00:28:34,910 hilarious White people problems. hilarious You know what that is? hilarious hilarious 595 hilarious 00:28:34,912 --> 00:28:36,412 hilarious That's where your life hilarious Is amazing, hilarious hilarious 596 hilarious 00:28:36,414 --> 00:28:40,649 hilarious So you just make shit up hilarious To be upset about. hilarious hilarious 597 hilarious 00:28:40,651 --> 00:28:42,851 hilarious People in other countries hilarious Have real problems. hilarious hilarious 598 hilarious 00:28:42,853 --> 00:28:44,086 hilarious Like, "oh, shit, hilarious hilarious 599 hilarious 00:28:44,088 --> 00:28:45,754 hilarious They're cutting off hilarious All our heads today." hilarious hilarious 600 hilarious 00:28:45,756 --> 00:28:47,489 hilarious Things like that. hilarious hilarious 601 hilarious 00:28:51,794 --> 00:28:54,029 hilarious Here we make shit up hilarious To be upset about. hilarious hilarious 602 hilarious 00:28:54,031 --> 00:28:56,665 hilarious "Like, how come i have to choose A language on the atm machine? 603 00:28:56,667 --> 00:28:58,334 It's bullshit." hilarious hilarious 604 hilarious 00:29:04,708 --> 00:29:07,108 hilarious "I shouldn't have to do that. 605 00:29:07,110 --> 00:29:10,078 I'm American." hilarious hilarious 606 hilarious 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,114 hilarious God, the shit hilarious We bitch about. hilarious hilarious 607 hilarious 00:29:13,116 --> 00:29:14,550 hilarious I called American Airlines, hilarious hilarious 608 hilarious 00:29:14,552 --> 00:29:17,052 hilarious And i got a xstani lady. hilarious hilarious 609 hilarious 00:29:17,054 --> 00:29:20,055 hilarious And she was in Pakistan. hilarious hilarious 610 hilarious 00:29:20,057 --> 00:29:24,226 hilarious Only people near my fat, hilarious White body should have jobs. hilarious hilarious 611 hilarious 00:29:29,966 --> 00:29:31,467 hilarious I'll tell you what, though. hilarious hilarious 612 hilarious 00:29:31,469 --> 00:29:32,735 hilarious When i call American Airlines hilarious hilarious 613 hilarious 00:29:32,737 --> 00:29:33,836 hilarious And i get the Pakistani lady, hilarious hilarious 614 hilarious 00:29:33,838 --> 00:29:35,637 hilarious I hang up and i call again. hilarious hilarious 615 hilarious 00:29:35,639 --> 00:29:36,872 hilarious I do. hilarious hilarious 616 hilarious 00:29:36,874 --> 00:29:38,340 hilarious I'm gonna tell you honestly. hilarious hilarious 617 hilarious 00:29:38,342 --> 00:29:39,808 hilarious And it's not because hilarious I don't like her, hilarious hilarious 618 hilarious 00:29:39,810 --> 00:29:41,710 hilarious And it's not because hilarious She doesn't speak english, hilarious hilarious 619 hilarious 00:29:41,712 --> 00:29:44,079 hilarious 'Cause she speaks hilarious Way better than i do. hilarious hilarious 620 hilarious 00:29:44,081 --> 00:29:47,048 hilarious She's just a better person. hilarious It's so clear. hilarious hilarious 621 hilarious 00:29:47,050 --> 00:29:49,117 hilarious And i know--here's why hilarious I don't like talking to her. hilarious hilarious 622 hilarious 00:29:49,119 --> 00:29:50,953 hilarious 'Cause i know she doesn't hilarious Give a shit hilarious hilarious 623 hilarious 00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:54,189 hilarious About me and hilarious My white people problems. hilarious hilarious 624 hilarious 00:29:54,191 --> 00:29:55,791 hilarious I want to talk hilarious To the lady from Texas, hilarious hilarious 625 hilarious 00:29:55,793 --> 00:29:57,559 hilarious Who's-- hilarious Well, how can i help you? hilarious hilarious 626 hilarious 00:29:57,561 --> 00:29:59,060 hilarious That's the lady i want. hilarious hilarious 627 hilarious 00:29:59,062 --> 00:30:00,362 hilarious I just know when i-- hilarious hilarious 628 hilarious 00:30:00,364 --> 00:30:01,330 hilarious [Pakistani accent] hilarious Hello, American-- hilarious hilarious 629 hilarious 00:30:01,332 --> 00:30:02,365 hilarious "Oh, fuck. You don't care." hilarious hilarious 630 hilarious 00:30:02,367 --> 00:30:03,999 hilarious There's no way. hilarious Why would you? hilarious hilarious 631 hilarious 00:30:04,001 --> 00:30:05,401 hilarious I'm in my underwear. hilarious hilarious 632 hilarious 00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:08,136 hilarious "Hi, i have a layover In Dallas that's really long, 633 00:30:08,138 --> 00:30:09,438 And i was wondering if--" hilarious hilarious 634 hilarious 00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:10,906 hilarious And she's like, hilarious "Oh, really? 635 00:30:10,908 --> 00:30:13,675 I haven't had a clean glass" hilarious of water in ten years, okay? hilarious hilarious 636 hilarious 00:30:13,677 --> 00:30:15,477 hilarious "Two of my kids Died this morning. 637 00:30:15,479 --> 00:30:17,012 I still came to work," hilarious You fat shit. hilarious hilarious 638 hilarious 00:30:17,014 --> 00:30:18,514 hilarious "I can hear your fat Over the phone. 639 00:30:18,516 --> 00:30:20,616 Why don't you hang up And kill yourself?" hilarious hilarious 640 hilarious 00:30:20,618 --> 00:30:22,818 hilarious Why would she care? hilarious hilarious 641 hilarious 00:30:26,857 --> 00:30:28,690 hilarious But we just--God. hilarious hilarious 642 hilarious 00:30:28,692 --> 00:30:30,158 hilarious Standing at the atm. hilarious hilarious 643 hilarious 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:34,329 hilarious "I can't believe They make me go like this. 644 00:30:34,331 --> 00:30:36,565 Stupid." hilarious hilarious 645 hilarious 00:30:36,567 --> 00:30:38,901 hilarious What the fuck hilarious Are you complaining about? hilarious hilarious 646 hilarious 00:30:38,903 --> 00:30:43,672 hilarious You push a button and money hilarious Comes out a fucking slot. hilarious hilarious 647 hilarious 00:30:49,579 --> 00:30:51,080 hilarious It didn't used to be that way. hilarious hilarious 648 hilarious 00:30:51,082 --> 00:30:53,915 hilarious When i was younger, hilarious You had to go in the bank. hilarious hilarious 649 hilarious 00:30:53,917 --> 00:30:56,185 hilarious Remember that? hilarious You had to go inside the bank. hilarious hilarious 650 hilarious 00:30:56,187 --> 00:30:57,553 hilarious Now you look in the bank, hilarious hilarious 651 hilarious 00:30:57,555 --> 00:30:59,555 hilarious You're like, "what are those hilarious People doing in there? hilarious hilarious 652 hilarious 00:30:59,557 --> 00:31:02,057 hilarious Are they cleaning? hilarious The money's out here." hilarious hilarious 653 hilarious 00:31:07,030 --> 00:31:08,997 hilarious It's amazing how different hilarious Shit is now, hilarious hilarious 654 hilarious 00:31:08,999 --> 00:31:10,666 hilarious And it hasn't been this way hilarious For a long time. hilarious hilarious 655 hilarious 00:31:10,668 --> 00:31:11,867 hilarious It's been a very short time. hilarious hilarious 656 hilarious 00:31:11,869 --> 00:31:14,303 hilarious Everybody has a phone hilarious In their pocket. hilarious hilarious 657 hilarious 00:31:14,305 --> 00:31:15,437 hilarious It didn't used to be hilarious You had a phone-- hilarious hilarious 658 hilarious 00:31:15,439 --> 00:31:16,872 hilarious Just a few years ago, hilarious hilarious 659 hilarious 00:31:16,874 --> 00:31:18,807 hilarious Nobody had their phone. hilarious hilarious 660 hilarious 00:31:18,809 --> 00:31:21,877 hilarious It was just the phone. hilarious hilarious 661 hilarious 00:31:21,879 --> 00:31:23,945 hilarious It was this thing, the phone, hilarious hilarious 662 hilarious 00:31:23,947 --> 00:31:27,416 hilarious That was in a room hilarious In your house. hilarious hilarious 663 hilarious 00:31:27,418 --> 00:31:29,418 hilarious And then you had to dial hilarious This fucking thing. hilarious hilarious 664 hilarious 00:31:29,420 --> 00:31:31,287 hilarious There was a rotor, hilarious hilarious 665 hilarious 00:31:31,289 --> 00:31:32,954 hilarious And you had to turn it hilarious And go-- hilarious hilarious 666 hilarious 00:31:32,956 --> 00:31:35,657 hilarious [Imitates rotary phone] hilarious hilarious 667 hilarious 00:31:35,659 --> 00:31:38,360 hilarious You actually hated people hilarious With zeros in their numbers, hilarious hilarious 668 hilarious 00:31:38,362 --> 00:31:39,561 hilarious 'Cause they made you do-- hilarious hilarious 669 hilarious 00:31:39,563 --> 00:31:41,997 hilarious Well, this guy's got hilarious A zero and a nine. hilarious hilarious 670 hilarious 00:31:41,999 --> 00:31:44,166 hilarious How badly do i want to talk hilarious To that piece of shit? hilarious hilarious 671 hilarious 00:31:44,168 --> 00:31:47,970 hilarious That's too much work. hilarious hilarious 672 hilarious 00:31:47,972 --> 00:31:50,773 hilarious Now we have this, hilarious Which is amazing. hilarious hilarious 673 hilarious 00:31:50,775 --> 00:31:53,675 hilarious We have these phones that you hilarious Can call in an air strike. hilarious hilarious 674 hilarious 00:31:53,677 --> 00:31:56,245 hilarious You can look at the top hilarious of your own head. hilarious hilarious 675 hilarious 00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:58,180 hilarious It's amazing, this shit, hilarious hilarious 676 hilarious 00:31:58,182 --> 00:32:00,515 hilarious And it's wasted hilarious On the shittiest generation hilarious hilarious 677 hilarious 00:32:00,517 --> 00:32:02,785 hilarious of piece of shit assholes hilarious That ever fucking lived. hilarious hilarious 678 hilarious 00:32:02,787 --> 00:32:04,987 hilarious I swear to God. hilarious We are. hilarious hilarious 679 hilarious 00:32:04,989 --> 00:32:08,223 hilarious We're the worst people so far. hilarious hilarious 680 hilarious 00:32:08,225 --> 00:32:10,025 hilarious Because we have hilarious This beautiful thing, hilarious hilarious 681 hilarious 00:32:10,027 --> 00:32:11,226 hilarious And we hate it. hilarious hilarious 682 hilarious 00:32:11,228 --> 00:32:13,195 hilarious We're just-- hilarious Fucking thing. hilarious hilarious 683 hilarious 00:32:13,197 --> 00:32:15,831 hilarious I don't-- hilarious Never saw a person going, hilarious hilarious 684 hilarious 00:32:15,833 --> 00:32:17,032 hilarious "Look at what My phone can do." hilarious hilarious 685 hilarious 00:32:17,034 --> 00:32:18,466 hilarious Nobody does that. hilarious hilarious 686 hilarious 00:32:18,468 --> 00:32:22,137 hilarious They all go-- hilarious "Fucking thing, it sucks. 687 00:32:22,139 --> 00:32:24,372 I can't get it to--" hilarious hilarious 688 hilarious 00:32:24,374 --> 00:32:26,741 hilarious Give it a second, hilarious Would you? hilarious hilarious 689 hilarious 00:32:26,743 --> 00:32:29,444 hilarious Could you give it a second? hilarious hilarious 690 hilarious 00:32:29,446 --> 00:32:31,313 hilarious It's going to space. hilarious hilarious 691 hilarious 00:32:31,315 --> 00:32:36,418 hilarious Can you give it a second hilarious To get back from space? hilarious hilarious 692 hilarious 00:32:36,420 --> 00:32:39,254 hilarious Is the speed of light hilarious Too slow for you? hilarious hilarious 693 hilarious 00:32:39,256 --> 00:32:41,690 hilarious You non-contributing, hilarious Product sponge cunt? hilarious hilarious 694 hilarious 00:32:41,692 --> 00:32:43,391 hilarious Can you just wait? hilarious hilarious 695 hilarious 00:32:43,393 --> 00:32:48,230 hilarious Can you just take hilarious A little breath? hilarious hilarious 696 hilarious 00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:51,867 hilarious Just wait for that picture of hilarious Axl rose to get on your phone. hilarious hilarious 697 hilarious 00:32:51,869 --> 00:32:54,469 hilarious Like it even fucking mattered hilarious What you were doing. hilarious hilarious 698 hilarious 00:32:54,471 --> 00:32:58,040 hilarious Like it was even important. hilarious hilarious 699 hilarious 00:32:58,042 --> 00:32:59,607 hilarious We're all just so mad. hilarious hilarious 700 hilarious 00:32:59,609 --> 00:33:01,710 hilarious "I hate my phone. It sucks!" hilarious hilarious 701 hilarious 00:33:01,712 --> 00:33:03,145 hilarious No, it doesn't. hilarious hilarious 702 hilarious 00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:05,580 hilarious It's amazing. hilarious hilarious 703 hilarious 00:33:05,582 --> 00:33:07,216 hilarious The shittiest cell phone hilarious In the world hilarious hilarious 704 hilarious 00:33:07,218 --> 00:33:09,351 hilarious Is a miracle. hilarious hilarious 705 hilarious 00:33:09,353 --> 00:33:12,687 hilarious Your life sucks hilarious Around the phone. hilarious hilarious 706 hilarious 00:33:14,690 --> 00:33:18,160 hilarious Why are you so mad at it? hilarious hilarious 707 hilarious 00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:19,829 hilarious People say hilarious The craziest shit. hilarious hilarious 708 hilarious 00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:24,366 hilarious I--i hate Verizon. hilarious hilarious 709 hilarious 00:33:24,368 --> 00:33:26,735 hilarious What are you talking about? hilarious hilarious 710 hilarious 00:33:26,737 --> 00:33:28,570 hilarious How can that feeling exist? hilarious hilarious 711 hilarious 00:33:28,572 --> 00:33:32,374 hilarious I hate Verizon! hilarious hilarious 712 hilarious 00:33:32,376 --> 00:33:34,442 hilarious "Why? Did they fire you And take away your pension?" hilarious hilarious 713 hilarious 00:33:34,444 --> 00:33:38,546 hilarious "No, it just--couple of times It was weird for a second." hilarious hilarious 714 hilarious 00:33:38,548 --> 00:33:40,949 hilarious [Grumbles] hilarious hilarious 715 hilarious 00:33:40,951 --> 00:33:45,420 hilarious I hate them! hilarious hilarious 716 hilarious 00:33:45,422 --> 00:33:46,855 hilarious Hate Verizon. hilarious hilarious 717 hilarious 00:33:46,857 --> 00:33:48,757 hilarious Well, make your own, then. hilarious hilarious 718 hilarious 00:33:48,759 --> 00:33:51,693 hilarious You go make one. hilarious hilarious 719 hilarious 00:33:51,695 --> 00:33:52,828 hilarious Make your own network. hilarious hilarious 720 hilarious 00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:56,131 hilarious Get some hubcaps hilarious And climb some trees. hilarious hilarious 721 hilarious 00:33:56,133 --> 00:34:00,969 hilarious See how close hilarious Yours is to perfect. hilarious hilarious 722 hilarious 00:34:00,971 --> 00:34:02,438 hilarious Why would it be perfect? hilarious hilarious 723 hilarious 00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:04,339 hilarious Really, hilarious It's as good as it is. hilarious hilarious 724 hilarious 00:34:04,341 --> 00:34:06,808 hilarious Why do we expect it hilarious To be fucking perfect hilarious hilarious 725 hilarious 00:34:06,810 --> 00:34:07,809 hilarious All the fucking time? hilarious hilarious 726 hilarious 00:34:07,811 --> 00:34:08,810 hilarious We're not contributing. hilarious hilarious 727 hilarious 00:34:08,812 --> 00:34:10,412 hilarious We're not helping it be perfect. hilarious hilarious 728 hilarious 00:34:10,414 --> 00:34:13,581 hilarious We don't even know what-- hilarious What is involved. hilarious hilarious 729 hilarious 00:34:13,583 --> 00:34:15,884 hilarious Do you have any idea hilarious What is involved hilarious hilarious 730 hilarious 00:34:15,886 --> 00:34:17,852 hilarious In taking your thing hilarious That you said hilarious hilarious 731 hilarious 00:34:17,854 --> 00:34:21,189 hilarious That nobody needs hilarious To ever hear ever, hilarious hilarious 732 hilarious 00:34:21,191 --> 00:34:24,393 hilarious When you go-- hilarious Hey, what's up, dude. hilarious hilarious 733 hilarious 00:34:24,395 --> 00:34:26,562 hilarious [Blows raspberry] hilarious hilarious 734 hilarious 00:34:26,564 --> 00:34:30,132 hilarious And a little, invisible, hilarious Magic angel takes it, and-- hilarious hilarious 735 hilarious 00:34:30,134 --> 00:34:31,901 hilarious [Whooshes] hilarious hilarious 736 hilarious 00:34:35,171 --> 00:34:37,672 hilarious God damn it. hilarious hilarious 737 hilarious 00:34:37,674 --> 00:34:39,975 hilarious Ho--"when did you hilarious Send me that text?" hilarious hilarious 738 hilarious 00:34:39,977 --> 00:34:42,610 hilarious If i sent it to you hilarious A month ago, it's amazing. hilarious hilarious 739 hilarious 00:34:42,612 --> 00:34:46,815 hilarious Whenever it gets to you, hilarious It's amazing. hilarious hilarious 740 hilarious 00:34:46,817 --> 00:34:48,249 hilarious Whenever it gets to you hilarious hilarious 741 hilarious 00:34:48,251 --> 00:34:49,984 hilarious In your chosen fucking font. hilarious hilarious 742 hilarious 00:34:49,986 --> 00:34:54,923 hilarious It's incredible. hilarious hilarious 743 hilarious 00:34:54,925 --> 00:34:56,625 hilarious I don't know. hilarious I'm not that old. I'm 41. hilarious hilarious 744 hilarious 00:34:56,627 --> 00:34:58,427 hilarious But i'm still amazed hilarious At the shit in my life. hilarious hilarious 745 hilarious 00:34:58,429 --> 00:34:59,961 hilarious I'm amazed at the shit hilarious In the world. hilarious hilarious 746 hilarious 00:34:59,963 --> 00:35:03,165 hilarious I was on a plane once, hilarious Like about a month ago, hilarious hilarious 747 hilarious 00:35:03,167 --> 00:35:05,033 hilarious And they had high-speed, hilarious Wireless internet on the plane, hilarious hilarious 748 hilarious 00:35:05,035 --> 00:35:06,401 hilarious And they had never hilarious Done that before. hilarious hilarious 749 hilarious 00:35:06,403 --> 00:35:08,003 hilarious They explained to us hilarious That we were, like, hilarious hilarious 750 hilarious 00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:09,170 hilarious One of the first aircraft. hilarious hilarious 751 hilarious 00:35:09,172 --> 00:35:11,606 hilarious And i opened up my laptop, hilarious And i'm online. hilarious hilarious 752 hilarious 00:35:11,608 --> 00:35:13,041 hilarious I'm looking hilarious At youtube and shit hilarious hilarious 753 hilarious 00:35:13,043 --> 00:35:13,975 hilarious While we're flying. hilarious hilarious 754 hilarious 00:35:13,977 --> 00:35:15,510 hilarious And then it broke down. hilarious hilarious 755 hilarious 00:35:15,512 --> 00:35:17,713 hilarious And the woman says, "i'm sorry, hilarious But we have to fix the internet, hilarious hilarious 756 hilarious 00:35:17,715 --> 00:35:19,113 hilarious So it's down hilarious For the rest of the flight." hilarious hilarious 757 hilarious 00:35:19,115 --> 00:35:24,286 hilarious The guy next to me goes, hilarious It's fucking bullshit. hilarious hilarious 758 hilarious 00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:27,222 hilarious I'm, like, "dude, how does hilarious The world owe you something hilarious hilarious 759 hilarious 00:35:27,224 --> 00:35:30,192 hilarious You didn't even know existed hilarious 30 seconds ago?" hilarious hilarious 760 hilarious 00:35:33,129 --> 00:35:34,663 hilarious People on planes hilarious Are the worst. hilarious hilarious 761 hilarious 00:35:34,665 --> 00:35:36,532 hilarious People on planes, hilarious They complain. hilarious hilarious 762 hilarious 00:35:36,534 --> 00:35:38,433 hilarious They get off the plane, hilarious They come to your house, hilarious hilarious 763 hilarious 00:35:38,435 --> 00:35:41,569 hilarious And they tell you about hilarious Your whole flight experience. hilarious hilarious 764 hilarious 00:35:41,571 --> 00:35:44,305 hilarious And they make it sound hilarious Like it was fucking a-- hilarious hilarious 765 hilarious 00:35:44,307 --> 00:35:46,041 hilarious A cattle car hilarious In Poland in the '40s. hilarious hilarious 766 hilarious 00:35:46,043 --> 00:35:47,042 hilarious They just make it-- hilarious hilarious 767 hilarious 00:35:47,044 --> 00:35:51,446 hilarious "That was the worst Day of my life. 768 00:35:51,448 --> 00:35:54,850 I had to sit on the runway" hilarious hilarious 769 hilarious 00:35:54,852 --> 00:35:57,252 hilarious For 40 minutes." hilarious hilarious 770 hilarious 00:35:57,254 --> 00:35:58,987 hilarious That's a story hilarious In this country. hilarious hilarious 771 hilarious 00:35:58,989 --> 00:36:01,089 hilarious That's a fucking hardship, hilarious hilarious 772 hilarious 00:36:01,091 --> 00:36:04,226 hilarious That you had to sit hilarious On the runway. hilarious hilarious 773 hilarious 00:36:04,228 --> 00:36:06,128 hilarious People will listen hilarious To that story. hilarious hilarious 774 hilarious 00:36:06,130 --> 00:36:08,029 hilarious They'll stop doing the dishes hilarious And turn around and go, hilarious hilarious 775 hilarious 00:36:08,031 --> 00:36:10,398 hilarious "Oh, my God, really? For 40 minutes? 776 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:14,535 That's awful. You should sue them." hilarious hilarious 777 hilarious 00:36:18,341 --> 00:36:21,576 hilarious "I had to sit on the runway For 40 minutes." hilarious hilarious 778 hilarious 00:36:21,578 --> 00:36:23,445 hilarious Oh, my God, really? hilarious What happened then? hilarious hilarious 779 hilarious 00:36:23,447 --> 00:36:27,316 hilarious Did you fly through the air hilarious Like a bird? hilarious hilarious 780 hilarious 00:36:27,318 --> 00:36:28,750 hilarious Incredibly? hilarious hilarious 781 hilarious 00:36:28,752 --> 00:36:33,188 hilarious Did you soar hilarious Into the clouds impossibly? hilarious hilarious 782 hilarious 00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:37,492 hilarious Did you partake hilarious In the miracle of human flight? hilarious hilarious 783 hilarious 00:36:37,494 --> 00:36:40,662 hilarious And then land softly hilarious On giant tires hilarious hilarious 784 hilarious 00:36:40,664 --> 00:36:41,964 hilarious That you couldn't hilarious Even conceive hilarious hilarious 785 hilarious 00:36:41,966 --> 00:36:43,998 hilarious How they fucking hilarious Put air in them? hilarious hilarious 786 hilarious 00:36:48,304 --> 00:36:50,973 hilarious How dare you. hilarious hilarious 787 hilarious 00:36:50,975 --> 00:36:53,742 hilarious Bitching about flying. hilarious hilarious 788 hilarious 00:36:53,744 --> 00:36:55,544 hilarious "I had to pay For my sandwich." hilarious hilarious 789 hilarious 00:36:55,546 --> 00:36:59,848 hilarious You're flying! hilarious hilarious 790 hilarious 00:36:59,850 --> 00:37:03,452 hilarious You're sitting in a chair hilarious In the sky. hilarious hilarious 791 hilarious 00:37:06,756 --> 00:37:09,224 hilarious You're like a greek myth hilarious Right now. hilarious hilarious 792 hilarious 00:37:12,228 --> 00:37:14,062 hilarious "But it doesn't Go back very far, 793 00:37:14,064 --> 00:37:17,198 And it's sort of Squishing my knees." hilarious hilarious 794 hilarious 00:37:22,204 --> 00:37:24,406 hilarious The Wright Brothers would hilarious kick us all right in the cunt hilarious hilarious 795 hilarious 00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:27,209 hilarious If they knew. hilarious hilarious 796 hilarious 00:37:27,211 --> 00:37:32,981 hilarious If--if you could go back hilarious In time to Orville Wright hilarious hilarious 797 hilarious 00:37:32,983 --> 00:37:36,718 hilarious And go, "hey, dude, i had to sit hilarious On the runway for 40 minutes." hilarious hilarious 798 hilarious 00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:38,453 hilarious And he'd be like, hilarious "Oh, shit, 799 00:37:38,455 --> 00:37:40,889 Well, let's Not even bother, then." hilarious hilarious 800 hilarious 00:37:42,091 --> 00:37:43,725 hilarious "Hey, Wendell, shut it down. 801 00:37:43,727 --> 00:37:45,727 They make you wait for a bit." hilarious hilarious 802 hilarious 00:37:45,729 --> 00:37:49,798 hilarious That hardly seems worth it." hilarious hilarious 803 hilarious 00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:51,900 hilarious There's always delays. hilarious hilarious 804 hilarious 00:37:51,902 --> 00:37:53,501 hilarious That's what everybody hilarious Complains about. hilarious hilarious 805 hilarious 00:37:53,503 --> 00:37:54,836 hilarious There's always delays hilarious When i fly. hilarious hilarious 806 hilarious 00:37:54,838 --> 00:37:56,972 hilarious Really? Delays. hilarious It's too slow. hilarious hilarious 807 hilarious 00:37:56,974 --> 00:37:58,840 hilarious Air travel's too slow. hilarious hilarious 808 hilarious 00:37:58,842 --> 00:38:01,577 hilarious New York to California hilarious In six hours. hilarious hilarious 809 hilarious 00:38:01,579 --> 00:38:05,146 hilarious That used to take 30 years, hilarious To do that, hilarious hilarious 810 hilarious 00:38:05,148 --> 00:38:07,849 hilarious And a bunch of you would die hilarious On the way there. hilarious hilarious 811 hilarious 00:38:07,851 --> 00:38:10,819 hilarious You'd get shot in the neck hilarious With an arrow and you'd go-- hilarious hilarious 812 hilarious 00:38:10,821 --> 00:38:12,788 hilarious [Gags] hilarious And fall down. hilarious hilarious 813 hilarious 00:38:12,790 --> 00:38:14,723 hilarious And the other passengers hilarious Would just bury you hilarious hilarious 814 hilarious 00:38:14,725 --> 00:38:18,860 hilarious And put a stick there with your hilarious Hat on it and keep walking. hilarious hilarious 815 hilarious 00:38:18,862 --> 00:38:20,462 hilarious And one of 'em hilarious Would fuck your wife hilarious hilarious 816 hilarious 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:23,732 hilarious And have three babies. hilarious hilarious 817 hilarious 00:38:23,734 --> 00:38:26,134 hilarious And all the old people hilarious Would die. hilarious hilarious 818 hilarious 00:38:26,136 --> 00:38:27,803 hilarious You'd be a whole different hilarious Group of people hilarious hilarious 819 hilarious 00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:32,006 hilarious By the time hilarious You got to California. hilarious hilarious 820 hilarious 00:38:32,008 --> 00:38:33,775 hilarious Now you watch hilarious An Adam Sandler movie hilarious hilarious 821 hilarious 00:38:33,777 --> 00:38:36,445 hilarious And you take a big, runny dump hilarious And you're there. hilarious hilarious 822 hilarious 00:38:43,819 --> 00:38:46,388 hilarious I was, uh, i was flying hilarious About a week ago, hilarious hilarious 823 hilarious 00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:48,256 hilarious And, uh, i was in the airport, hilarious hilarious 824 hilarious 00:38:48,258 --> 00:38:49,757 hilarious And i saw this really old man, hilarious hilarious 825 hilarious 00:38:49,759 --> 00:38:51,426 hilarious And he's on-- hilarious He's on a wheelchair. hilarious hilarious 826 hilarious 00:38:51,428 --> 00:38:52,661 hilarious I can fucking hear hilarious That shit, hilarious hilarious 827 hilarious 00:38:52,663 --> 00:38:53,629 hilarious So back the fuck off. hilarious hilarious 828 hilarious 00:38:53,631 --> 00:38:55,630 hilarious I can hear hilarious It in your headsets. hilarious hilarious 829 hilarious 00:38:55,632 --> 00:38:58,366 hilarious Just careful. hilarious Or turn them down. hilarious hilarious 830 hilarious 00:38:58,368 --> 00:39:00,902 hilarious Sorry to fuck up hilarious The entire show for that, hilarious hilarious 831 hilarious 00:39:00,904 --> 00:39:01,903 hilarious But i could hear-- hilarious hilarious 832 hilarious 00:39:01,905 --> 00:39:03,104 hilarious [Imitates earpiece chatter] hilarious hilarious 833 hilarious 00:39:03,106 --> 00:39:04,105 hilarious "Get closer to him. 834 00:39:04,107 --> 00:39:05,139 No, it's okay, it's fine." hilarious hilarious 835 hilarious 00:39:05,141 --> 00:39:06,908 hilarious Get closer to him. hilarious He won't mind." hilarious hilarious 836 hilarious 00:39:10,713 --> 00:39:12,614 hilarious All right. hilarious Wait a second. hilarious hilarious 837 hilarious 00:39:12,616 --> 00:39:15,083 hilarious [Cheers and applause] hilarious hilarious 838 hilarious 00:39:23,359 --> 00:39:27,195 hilarious Okay, uh, hilarious This about where i was? hilarious hilarious 839 hilarious 00:39:27,197 --> 00:39:28,864 hilarious Okay. hilarious hilarious 840 hilarious 00:39:28,866 --> 00:39:29,764 hilarious [Audience member shouts] hilarious hilarious 841 hilarious 00:39:29,766 --> 00:39:30,832 hilarious That's right. hilarious I was on a-- hilarious hilarious 842 hilarious 00:39:30,834 --> 00:39:35,437 hilarious I was in the, um... hilarious hilarious 843 hilarious 00:39:35,439 --> 00:39:36,905 hilarious I was in the airport. hilarious hilarious 844 hilarious 00:39:36,907 --> 00:39:38,673 hilarious Ugh... hilarious hilarious 845 hilarious 00:39:38,675 --> 00:39:40,441 hilarious Tot--just drenched right now. hilarious hilarious 846 hilarious 00:39:40,443 --> 00:39:43,278 hilarious Totally drenched. hilarious hilarious 847 hilarious 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:46,381 hilarious It's like i peed. hilarious It's crazy. hilarious hilarious 848 hilarious 00:39:52,121 --> 00:39:54,823 hilarious Okay, so i'm in the airport, hilarious hilarious 849 hilarious 00:39:54,825 --> 00:39:56,524 hilarious And i'm going through security, hilarious hilarious 850 hilarious 00:39:56,526 --> 00:39:59,127 hilarious And they bring this old man hilarious In a wheelchair, hilarious hilarious 851 hilarious 00:39:59,129 --> 00:40:01,696 hilarious And he was... hilarious hilarious 852 hilarious 00:40:01,698 --> 00:40:02,931 hilarious Crazy old. hilarious hilarious 853 hilarious 00:40:02,933 --> 00:40:05,000 hilarious I mean, he was the oldest thing hilarious I've ever seen. hilarious hilarious 854 hilarious 00:40:05,002 --> 00:40:07,402 hilarious I've been hilarious To museums and shit. hilarious hilarious 855 hilarious 00:40:07,404 --> 00:40:09,036 hilarious This dude... hilarious hilarious 856 hilarious 00:40:09,038 --> 00:40:11,038 hilarious I didn't know hilarious There had been as much time hilarious hilarious 857 hilarious 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:12,507 hilarious As this guy was old. hilarious hilarious 858 hilarious 00:40:12,509 --> 00:40:14,676 hilarious I mean, hilarious He was at least forever. hilarious hilarious 859 hilarious 00:40:14,678 --> 00:40:16,411 hilarious He was at least that old. hilarious hilarious 860 hilarious 00:40:16,413 --> 00:40:19,681 hilarious Just tiny, hilarious Little nosferatu hands hilarious hilarious 861 hilarious 00:40:19,683 --> 00:40:21,383 hilarious And eggy head. hilarious hilarious 862 hilarious 00:40:21,385 --> 00:40:25,654 hilarious Just one of those... hilarious hilarious 863 hilarious 00:40:25,656 --> 00:40:27,255 hilarious So frail. hilarious hilarious 864 hilarious 00:40:27,257 --> 00:40:28,690 hilarious It was like hilarious Just the atmosphere hilarious hilarious 865 hilarious 00:40:28,692 --> 00:40:30,258 hilarious Was crushing him hilarious Into a diamond. hilarious hilarious 866 hilarious 00:40:30,260 --> 00:40:33,495 hilarious Just... hilarious [Screeches] hilarious hilarious 867 hilarious 00:40:36,565 --> 00:40:38,033 hilarious And they're hilarious Pushing him through, hilarious hilarious 868 hilarious 00:40:38,035 --> 00:40:38,867 hilarious And i'm not the only per-- hilarious hilarious 869 hilarious 00:40:38,869 --> 00:40:40,368 hilarious Like, hilarious He was parting the people, hilarious hilarious 870 hilarious 00:40:40,370 --> 00:40:42,170 hilarious 'Cause people were going, hilarious "What the fuck? 871 00:40:42,172 --> 00:40:45,406 That's crazy. He's really old!" hilarious hilarious 872 hilarious 00:40:48,811 --> 00:40:49,945 hilarious And they take him hilarious Through security, hilarious hilarious 873 hilarious 00:40:49,947 --> 00:40:51,246 hilarious And, you know, hilarious If you're really old hilarious hilarious 874 hilarious 00:40:51,248 --> 00:40:52,413 hilarious Or you're in a wheelchair, hilarious hilarious 875 hilarious 00:40:52,415 --> 00:40:53,949 hilarious You can't go through hilarious The metal detector hilarious hilarious 876 hilarious 00:40:53,951 --> 00:40:54,950 hilarious If you're in a wheelchair, hilarious hilarious 877 hilarious 00:40:54,952 --> 00:40:56,451 hilarious So they take you hilarious To secondary clearance, hilarious hilarious 878 hilarious 00:40:56,453 --> 00:40:57,986 hilarious Which is far more stringent. hilarious hilarious 879 hilarious 00:40:57,988 --> 00:41:01,089 hilarious Like, the oldest and feeblest hilarious People get the highest scrutiny. hilarious hilarious 880 hilarious 00:41:01,091 --> 00:41:02,658 hilarious So they take him over there, hilarious hilarious 881 hilarious 00:41:02,660 --> 00:41:05,493 hilarious And he's--i mean, he doesn't hilarious Even look good for infinity. hilarious hilarious 882 hilarious 00:41:05,495 --> 00:41:06,528 hilarious He's not even like, a-- hilarious hilarious 883 hilarious 00:41:06,530 --> 00:41:08,263 hilarious He's, like-- hilarious hilarious 884 hilarious 00:41:08,265 --> 00:41:11,733 hilarious Got a whole thing going. hilarious hilarious 885 hilarious 00:41:11,735 --> 00:41:13,234 hilarious And they take him over, hilarious hilarious 886 hilarious 00:41:13,236 --> 00:41:16,071 hilarious And they start checking him hilarious For weapons. hilarious hilarious 887 hilarious 00:41:16,073 --> 00:41:18,006 hilarious Like, thor--like, hilarious What do you got there, huh? hilarious hilarious 888 hilarious 00:41:18,008 --> 00:41:19,641 hilarious Like, checking him. hilarious hilarious 889 hilarious 00:41:19,643 --> 00:41:20,642 hilarious And they lift him-- hilarious hilarious 890 hilarious 00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:21,943 hilarious I swear to God, hilarious They picked him up hilarious hilarious 891 hilarious 00:41:21,945 --> 00:41:23,779 hilarious Gently out of the wheelchair hilarious By the shoulders, hilarious hilarious 892 hilarious 00:41:23,781 --> 00:41:26,581 hilarious And he's standing between hilarious These two guys like this, hilarious hilarious 893 hilarious 00:41:26,583 --> 00:41:30,785 hilarious And they're going-- hilarious [Imitates beeping] hilarious hilarious 894 hilarious 00:41:30,787 --> 00:41:35,156 hilarious And i'm like, "really? hilarious Is that the guy, fellas? hilarious hilarious 895 hilarious 00:41:35,158 --> 00:41:37,426 hilarious "You think that's the guy? 896 00:41:37,428 --> 00:41:40,161 Do you want to maybe Let him go?" hilarious hilarious 897 hilarious 00:41:40,163 --> 00:41:42,297 hilarious Let him enjoy the last hilarious Ten seconds of his life hilarious hilarious 898 hilarious 00:41:42,299 --> 00:41:44,999 hilarious Doing something else. hilarious hilarious 899 hilarious 00:41:45,001 --> 00:41:46,902 hilarious What--what is he gonna-- hilarious hilarious 900 hilarious 00:41:46,904 --> 00:41:48,003 hilarious Even if he pulled it off, hilarious hilarious 901 hilarious 00:41:48,005 --> 00:41:50,772 hilarious He deserves whatever he wanted, hilarious Really. hilarious hilarious 902 hilarious 00:41:50,774 --> 00:41:52,473 hilarious What is he gonna do? hilarious hilarious 903 hilarious 00:41:52,475 --> 00:41:55,043 hilarious Even if he had a grenade-- hilarious hilarious 904 hilarious 00:41:55,045 --> 00:41:56,812 hilarious Let him keep it. hilarious hilarious 905 hilarious 00:42:00,316 --> 00:42:01,750 hilarious And i know what they'd say. hilarious hilarious 906 hilarious 00:42:01,752 --> 00:42:03,684 hilarious They'd be like, "well, hilarious Where do you draw the line?" hilarious hilarious 907 hilarious 00:42:03,686 --> 00:42:04,920 hilarious He--this is the line. hilarious hilarious 908 hilarious 00:42:04,922 --> 00:42:06,922 hilarious This guy right here, hilarious He's the actual line. hilarious hilarious 909 hilarious 00:42:06,924 --> 00:42:09,090 hilarious It's very clear. hilarious hilarious 910 hilarious 00:42:17,199 --> 00:42:18,867 hilarious There's always somebody going hilarious Through security who's like, hilarious hilarious 911 hilarious 00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:21,636 hilarious "I don't want To take off my shoes. 912 00:42:21,638 --> 00:42:23,572 Stupid." hilarious hilarious 913 hilarious 00:42:23,574 --> 00:42:25,607 hilarious I'm not a terrorist." hilarious hilarious 914 hilarious 00:42:25,609 --> 00:42:26,641 hilarious Oh, that's right. hilarious hilarious 915 hilarious 00:42:26,643 --> 00:42:27,976 hilarious We only make hilarious Terrorists do that. hilarious hilarious 916 hilarious 00:42:27,978 --> 00:42:31,078 hilarious I'm sorry. hilarious hilarious 917 hilarious 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:32,914 hilarious [Grumbles] hilarious hilarious 918 hilarious 00:42:32,916 --> 00:42:34,783 hilarious That's what we sound like now. hilarious hilarious 919 hilarious 00:42:34,785 --> 00:42:37,085 hilarious [Grumbles] hilarious hilarious 920 hilarious 00:42:37,087 --> 00:42:38,220 hilarious Just the whole country. hilarious hilarious 921 hilarious 00:42:38,222 --> 00:42:39,621 hilarious We're like hilarious Fat eighth graders. hilarious hilarious 922 hilarious 00:42:39,623 --> 00:42:41,490 hilarious All of us. hilarious hilarious 923 hilarious 00:42:41,492 --> 00:42:43,158 hilarious Just-- hilarious hilarious 924 hilarious 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:45,460 hilarious Not fair. hilarious hilarious 925 hilarious 00:42:45,462 --> 00:42:46,828 hilarious You ever listen to people? hilarious hilarious 926 hilarious 00:42:46,830 --> 00:42:47,996 hilarious When i was in England, hilarious hilarious 927 hilarious 00:42:47,998 --> 00:42:50,364 hilarious I went into this cafe hilarious Full of AfghaniJ people, hilarious hilarious 928 hilarious 00:42:50,366 --> 00:42:51,432 hilarious And they're--they just had hilarious hilarious 929 hilarious 00:42:51,434 --> 00:42:52,834 hilarious Crackly energy hilarious To their language. hilarious hilarious 930 hilarious 00:42:52,836 --> 00:42:54,068 hilarious I don't know hilarious What they were saying, hilarious hilarious 931 hilarious 00:42:54,070 --> 00:42:57,038 hilarious But it was like-- hilarious [Imitates language] hilarious hilarious 932 hilarious 00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:58,372 hilarious There's energy. hilarious hilarious 933 hilarious 00:42:58,374 --> 00:43:00,474 hilarious We don't have that anymore. hilarious hilarious 934 hilarious 00:43:00,476 --> 00:43:01,542 hilarious You ever listen to people? hilarious hilarious 935 hilarious 00:43:01,544 --> 00:43:03,345 hilarious You ever listen to what hilarious People really sound like? hilarious hilarious 936 hilarious 00:43:03,347 --> 00:43:05,013 hilarious The other day i was hilarious In some whatever coffee-- hilarious hilarious 937 hilarious 00:43:05,015 --> 00:43:06,181 hilarious I don't know, hilarious You can only be in six places. hilarious hilarious 938 hilarious 00:43:06,183 --> 00:43:08,049 hilarious Whichever one i was in. hilarious hilarious 939 hilarious 00:43:08,051 --> 00:43:11,519 hilarious And i'm listening to just fat hilarious White people talk to each other. hilarious hilarious 940 hilarious 00:43:11,521 --> 00:43:12,921 hilarious These two fat white guys hilarious Behind me. hilarious hilarious 941 hilarious 00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:14,088 hilarious One of 'em is like... hilarious hilarious 942 hilarious 00:43:14,090 --> 00:43:17,025 hilarious [Mumbling, slurring] hilarious hilarious 943 hilarious 00:43:29,672 --> 00:43:31,339 hilarious And his friend's like, hilarious "I know, it's... 944 00:43:31,341 --> 00:43:34,876 [Mumbling, slurring] 945 00:43:34,878 --> 00:43:37,278 ...Obama." hilarious hilarious 946 hilarious 00:43:40,115 --> 00:43:41,816 hilarious These two women are talking. hilarious One of them's like... hilarious hilarious 947 hilarious 00:43:41,818 --> 00:43:44,786 hilarious [Higher-pitched mumbling, hilarious Slurring] hilarious hilarious 948 hilarious 00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:52,527 hilarious I know, it's... hilarious hilarious 949 hilarious 00:43:52,529 --> 00:43:55,797 hilarious [Higher-pitched mumbling, hilarious Slurring] hilarious hilarious 950 hilarious 00:43:55,799 --> 00:43:58,833 hilarious ...Stephanie. hilarious hilarious 951 hilarious 00:44:04,707 --> 00:44:07,742 hilarious Anyway, i was listening hilarious To the two guys, hilarious hilarious 952 hilarious 00:44:07,744 --> 00:44:10,278 hilarious And one of 'em used a word hilarious hilarious 953 hilarious 00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,013 hilarious That really pissed me off, hilarious hilarious 954 hilarious 00:44:12,015 --> 00:44:13,714 hilarious Because it was how he used it. hilarious hilarious 955 hilarious 00:44:13,716 --> 00:44:14,916 hilarious He used the word hilarious Hilarious. hilarious hilarious 956 hilarious 00:44:14,918 --> 00:44:16,584 hilarious That's one of those words hilarious That we use-- hilarious hilarious 957 hilarious 00:44:16,586 --> 00:44:18,519 hilarious That we don't care hilarious What it means. hilarious hilarious 958 hilarious 00:44:18,521 --> 00:44:21,056 hilarious We go right for the top shelf hilarious With our words now. hilarious hilarious 959 hilarious 00:44:21,058 --> 00:44:22,890 hilarious We don't think about hilarious How we talk. hilarious hilarious 960 hilarious 00:44:22,892 --> 00:44:25,226 hilarious We just say the-- hilarious Right to the fucking just-- hilarious hilarious 961 hilarious 00:44:25,228 --> 00:44:27,162 hilarious "Dude, it was amazing. 962 00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:28,963 It was amazing." hilarious hilarious 963 hilarious 00:44:28,965 --> 00:44:31,900 hilarious really? hilarious You were amazed? hilarious hilarious 964 hilarious 00:44:31,902 --> 00:44:37,038 hilarious You were amazed by hilarious A basket of chicken wings? hilarious hilarious 965 hilarious 00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:38,973 hilarious Really? hilarious hilarious 966 hilarious 00:44:38,975 --> 00:44:40,708 hilarious Amazing. hilarious hilarious 967 hilarious 00:44:40,710 --> 00:44:42,143 hilarious What are you gonna-- hilarious hilarious 968 hilarious 00:44:42,145 --> 00:44:45,246 hilarious What are you gonna do hilarious With the rest of your life now? hilarious hilarious 969 hilarious 00:44:45,248 --> 00:44:47,849 hilarious What if something hilarious Really happens to you? hilarious hilarious 970 hilarious 00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:49,884 hilarious What if Jesus comes down hilarious From the sky hilarious hilarious 971 hilarious 00:44:49,886 --> 00:44:52,153 hilarious And makes love to you hilarious All night long, hilarious hilarious 972 hilarious 00:44:52,155 --> 00:44:56,057 hilarious And leaves the new, hilarious Living lord in your belly? hilarious hilarious 973 hilarious 00:44:58,394 --> 00:45:00,628 hilarious What are you gonna call that? hilarious hilarious 974 hilarious 00:45:00,630 --> 00:45:04,732 hilarious You used "amazing" hilarious On a basket of chicken wings. hilarious hilarious 975 hilarious 00:45:04,734 --> 00:45:08,136 hilarious You've limited yourself verbally hilarious To a shit life. hilarious hilarious 976 hilarious 00:45:10,573 --> 00:45:11,739 hilarious All these words we use. hilarious hilarious 977 hilarious 00:45:11,741 --> 00:45:12,974 hilarious Genius. hilarious That's-- hilarious hilarious 978 hilarious 00:45:12,976 --> 00:45:14,542 hilarious You can--anybody hilarious Can be a genius now. hilarious hilarious 979 hilarious 00:45:14,544 --> 00:45:16,511 hilarious It used to be hilarious You had to have a thought hilarious hilarious 980 hilarious 00:45:16,513 --> 00:45:17,878 hilarious No one ever had before, hilarious hilarious 981 hilarious 00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:20,181 hilarious Or you had to invent a number. hilarious hilarious 982 hilarious 00:45:20,183 --> 00:45:24,519 hilarious Now it's like, "hey, i got a cup hilarious In case we need another cup." hilarious hilarious 983 hilarious 00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:27,422 hilarious Dude, you're a genius. hilarious hilarious 984 hilarious 00:45:35,530 --> 00:45:37,699 hilarious So these guys, hilarious They used "hilarious." hilarious hilarious 985 hilarious 00:45:37,701 --> 00:45:39,701 hilarious And i remember hilarious The context exactly, hilarious hilarious 986 hilarious 00:45:39,703 --> 00:45:40,802 hilarious Because i had hilarious The hate recorder hilarious hilarious 987 hilarious 00:45:40,804 --> 00:45:42,070 hilarious Running in hilarious The back of my head. hilarious hilarious 988 hilarious 00:45:42,072 --> 00:45:43,537 hilarious I was just standing there hilarious Fucking angry. hilarious hilarious 989 hilarious 00:45:43,539 --> 00:45:44,538 hilarious I'm listening to 'em. hilarious hilarious 990 hilarious 00:45:44,540 --> 00:45:45,639 hilarious One guy says to the other guy, hilarious hilarious 991 hilarious 00:45:45,641 --> 00:45:48,776 hilarious He goes, uh, hilarious "Hey, dude, so, uh... 992 00:45:48,778 --> 00:45:49,844 [Breathes heavily] 993 00:45:49,846 --> 00:45:53,080 So guess who i saw today." hilarious hilarious 994 hilarious 00:45:53,082 --> 00:45:55,716 hilarious And his friend goes, hilarious Who? hilarious hilarious 995 hilarious 00:45:55,718 --> 00:45:57,285 hilarious I swear to God hilarious That's how he said it. hilarious hilarious 996 hilarious 00:45:57,287 --> 00:46:01,189 hilarious It just slid out. hilarious Just "who?" hilarious hilarious 997 hilarious 00:46:01,191 --> 00:46:02,857 hilarious I was like, hilarious "Tighten your lips up, man. 998 00:46:02,859 --> 00:46:04,626 Make an effort." hilarious hilarious 999 hilarious 00:46:04,628 --> 00:46:06,994 hilarious Who. hilarious That's how a person talks. hilarious hilarious 1000 hilarious 00:46:06,996 --> 00:46:08,563 hilarious This guy, hilarious He's just secreting words hilarious hilarious 1001 hilarious 00:46:08,565 --> 00:46:10,665 hilarious Out of the front of his head. hilarious hilarious 1002 hilarious 00:46:10,667 --> 00:46:13,668 hilarious Who? hilarious hilarious 1003 hilarious 00:46:13,670 --> 00:46:17,705 hilarious [Sputtering, slurring] hilarious hilarious 1004 hilarious 00:46:17,707 --> 00:46:22,410 hilarious So his friend goes, hilarious I saw Lisa today. hilarious hilarious 1005 hilarious 00:46:22,412 --> 00:46:26,514 hilarious And he goes, hilarious That's hilarious. hilarious hilarious 1006 hilarious 00:46:30,986 --> 00:46:34,923 hilarious How the fuck hilarious Is that hilarious? hilarious hilarious 1007 hilarious 00:46:34,925 --> 00:46:37,224 hilarious That you saw Lisa. hilarious hilarious 1008 hilarious 00:46:37,226 --> 00:46:39,794 hilarious Is Lisa a poodle hilarious On her hind legs? hilarious hilarious 1009 hilarious 00:46:39,796 --> 00:46:41,495 hilarious How is that hilarious? hilarious hilarious 1010 hilarious 00:46:41,497 --> 00:46:44,699 hilarious Was she standing next to hilarious Jerry Lewis when he was younger? hilarious hilarious 1011 hilarious 00:46:44,701 --> 00:46:46,834 hilarious How the fuck hilarious Is that hilarious? hilarious hilarious 1012 hilarious 00:46:46,836 --> 00:46:50,404 hilarious Do you know hilarious What "hilarious" means? hilarious hilarious 1013 hilarious 00:46:50,406 --> 00:46:51,806 hilarious Hilarious means so funny hilarious hilarious 1014 hilarious 00:46:51,808 --> 00:46:56,043 hilarious That you almost went insane hilarious When you heard that sh-- hilarious hilarious 1015 hilarious 00:46:56,045 --> 00:47:01,015 hilarious It's just so funny hilarious That it almost ruined your life. hilarious hilarious 1016 hilarious 00:47:01,017 --> 00:47:04,419 hilarious You're homeless now because hilarious You can't cope or reason anymore hilarious hilarious 1017 hilarious 00:47:04,421 --> 00:47:06,153 hilarious Because that hilarious thing hilarious hilarious 1018 hilarious 00:47:06,155 --> 00:47:07,988 hilarious Just shattered your mind, hilarious hilarious 1019 hilarious 00:47:07,990 --> 00:47:10,558 hilarious And three months later you got hilarious Shit and leaves in your hair, hilarious hilarious 1020 hilarious 00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:13,460 hilarious And you're drenched hilarious In pee in the gutter. hilarious hilarious 1021 hilarious 00:47:13,462 --> 00:47:15,062 hilarious That's how funny hilarious Hilarious is. hilarious hilarious 1022 hilarious 00:47:15,064 --> 00:47:16,297 hilarious I don't know hilarious This Lisa cunt, hilarious hilarious 1023 hilarious 00:47:16,299 --> 00:47:17,465 hilarious But she ain't that funny. hilarious hilarious 1024 hilarious 00:47:17,467 --> 00:47:19,634 hilarious There's just no way. hilarious hilarious 1025 hilarious 00:47:19,636 --> 00:47:24,071 hilarious She's that funny on sight? hilarious hilarious 1026 hilarious 00:47:24,073 --> 00:47:25,106 hilarious Fuck her. hilarious hilarious 1027 hilarious 00:47:25,108 --> 00:47:26,674 hilarious Seriously. hilarious I hope she's dead. hilarious hilarious 1028 hilarious 00:47:26,676 --> 00:47:28,142 hilarious I really do. hilarious I hate her. hilarious hilarious 1029 hilarious 00:47:28,144 --> 00:47:30,645 hilarious I hope she died today. hilarious hilarious 1030 hilarious 00:47:30,647 --> 00:47:33,648 hilarious Weirdly and horribly. hilarious hilarious 1031 hilarious 00:47:33,650 --> 00:47:35,350 hilarious I hope the person hilarious She loved most hilarious hilarious 1032 hilarious 00:47:35,352 --> 00:47:36,817 hilarious Pushed her off a cliff, hilarious hilarious 1033 hilarious 00:47:36,819 --> 00:47:39,721 hilarious And she was just falling and hilarious Screaming the whole way down, hilarious hilarious 1034 hilarious 00:47:39,723 --> 00:47:41,188 hilarious Never accepting it. hilarious hilarious 1035 hilarious 00:47:41,190 --> 00:47:43,391 hilarious And then Superman hilarious swooped her up hilarious hilarious 1036 hilarious 00:47:43,393 --> 00:47:45,493 hilarious And then dropped her hilarious from higher. hilarious hilarious 1037 hilarious 00:47:45,495 --> 00:47:48,429 hilarious [Laughter and applause] hilarious hilarious 1038 hilarious 00:47:50,832 --> 00:47:53,501 hilarious I seriously hope hilarious That happened... hilarious hilarious 1039 hilarious 00:47:53,503 --> 00:47:56,170 hilarious To stupid Lisa. hilarious hilarious 1040 hilarious 00:47:56,172 --> 00:47:57,972 hilarious With her one tit hilarious bigger than the other, hilarious hilarious 1041 hilarious 00:47:57,974 --> 00:48:00,475 hilarious And her fucking frizzy hair, hilarious hilarious 1042 hilarious 00:48:00,477 --> 00:48:02,543 hilarious And her... hilarious hilarious 1043 hilarious 00:48:02,545 --> 00:48:04,912 hilarious Her big nose. hilarious hilarious 1044 hilarious 00:48:04,914 --> 00:48:06,180 hilarious Fucking Jew. hilarious hilarious 1045 hilarious 00:48:06,182 --> 00:48:07,982 hilarious [Laughter] hilarious hilarious 1046 hilarious 00:48:07,984 --> 00:48:10,685 hilarious What am i doing? hilarious hilarious 1047 hilarious 00:48:10,687 --> 00:48:13,288 hilarious I've lost my mind. hilarious hilarious 1048 hilarious 00:48:17,660 --> 00:48:20,227 hilarious Jew is a funny word, hilarious Because-- hilarious hilarious 1049 hilarious 00:48:20,229 --> 00:48:22,697 hilarious It is. hilarious Because "Jew" is the only word hilarious hilarious 1050 hilarious 00:48:22,699 --> 00:48:26,000 hilarious That is the polite thing hilarious to call a group of people hilarious hilarious 1051 hilarious 00:48:26,002 --> 00:48:29,870 hilarious And the slur hilarious for the same group. hilarious hilarious 1052 hilarious 00:48:29,872 --> 00:48:31,406 hilarious Most groups hilarious have a good and a bad-- hilarious hilarious 1053 hilarious 00:48:31,408 --> 00:48:34,642 hilarious Theirs, the same word, hilarious Just with a little stank on it, hilarious hilarious 1054 hilarious 00:48:34,644 --> 00:48:38,713 hilarious And it becomes a terrible hilarious Thing to call a person. hilarious hilarious 1055 hilarious 00:48:38,715 --> 00:48:40,815 hilarious 'Cause you can say. hilarious He's a Jew. It's fine. hilarious hilarious 1056 hilarious 00:48:40,817 --> 00:48:42,083 hilarious but "he's a Jew." hilarious hilarious 1057 hilarious 00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:44,018 hilarious Like, that's all it takes. hilarious hilarious 1058 hilarious 00:48:48,824 --> 00:48:51,326 hilarious I wish the president hilarious Would slip one into a speech hilarious hilarious 1059 hilarious 00:48:51,328 --> 00:48:52,393 hilarious That's just on the border, hilarious hilarious 1060 hilarious 00:48:52,395 --> 00:48:53,861 hilarious Just to fuck hilarious With people's heads. hilarious hilarious 1061 hilarious 00:48:53,863 --> 00:48:55,563 hilarious Just in the middle, hilarious You know. hilarious hilarious 1062 hilarious 00:48:55,565 --> 00:48:57,031 hilarious "We all got to get along In this country. 1063 00:48:57,033 --> 00:48:58,199 We need everybody." hilarious hilarious 1064 hilarious 00:48:58,201 --> 00:48:59,967 hilarious "blacks and whites hilarious And christians and Jews, hilarious hilarious 1065 hilarious 00:48:59,969 --> 00:49:02,703 hilarious And let's just try to..." hilarious hilarious 1066 hilarious 00:49:02,705 --> 00:49:04,805 hilarious Hmm. hilarious hilarious 1067 hilarious 00:49:04,807 --> 00:49:06,441 hilarious I don't... hilarious Can't call him on it, hilarious hilarious 1068 hilarious 00:49:06,443 --> 00:49:08,376 hilarious But that seemed inappropriate. hilarious hilarious 1069 hilarious 00:49:13,715 --> 00:49:16,017 hilarious Fucking Lisa. hilarious hilarious 1070 hilarious 00:49:16,019 --> 00:49:18,452 hilarious Fucking Lisa, man. hilarious hilarious 1071 hilarious 00:49:18,454 --> 00:49:20,621 hilarious It's just-- hilarious It didn't deserve that. hilarious hilarious 1072 hilarious 00:49:20,623 --> 00:49:21,489 hilarious The story didn't deserve-- hilarious hilarious 1073 hilarious 00:49:21,491 --> 00:49:22,690 hilarious Here's what he should have said. hilarious hilarious 1074 hilarious 00:49:22,692 --> 00:49:23,925 hilarious This is what hilarious That story deserved. hilarious hilarious 1075 hilarious 00:49:23,927 --> 00:49:25,693 hilarious It should have been like, hilarious I saw Lisa today. hilarious hilarious 1076 hilarious 00:49:25,695 --> 00:49:28,095 hilarious The other guy should have said, hilarious That happened. hilarious hilarious 1077 hilarious 00:49:28,097 --> 00:49:30,532 hilarious That's it. hilarious That's all it deserved. hilarious hilarious 1078 hilarious 00:49:30,534 --> 00:49:32,433 hilarious He should have said, hilarious That happened, hilarious hilarious 1079 hilarious 00:49:32,435 --> 00:49:34,402 hilarious And then they just hilarious Should have started making out. hilarious hilarious 1080 hilarious 00:49:34,404 --> 00:49:35,536 hilarious I don't know why i wanted that. hilarious hilarious 1081 hilarious 00:49:35,538 --> 00:49:37,472 hilarious I just wanted these hilarious Two old fat guys hilarious hilarious 1082 hilarious 00:49:37,474 --> 00:49:39,573 hilarious To just start blowing hilarious Each other on the floor. hilarious hilarious 1083 hilarious 00:49:39,575 --> 00:49:41,042 hilarious Not even gay blowing. hilarious hilarious 1084 hilarious 00:49:41,044 --> 00:49:42,944 hilarious Just awkward, hilarious Heterosexual sucking, hilarious hilarious 1085 hilarious 00:49:42,946 --> 00:49:44,545 hilarious That they don't know hilarious What they're doing. hilarious hilarious 1086 hilarious 00:49:44,547 --> 00:49:46,347 hilarious And they don't even get hard hilarious Partway through. hilarious hilarious 1087 hilarious 00:49:46,349 --> 00:49:49,016 hilarious They're just sucking hilarious Each other's soft penises. hilarious hilarious 1088 hilarious 00:49:49,018 --> 00:49:50,251 hilarious And they're both crying, hilarious hilarious 1089 hilarious 00:49:50,253 --> 00:49:55,556 hilarious 'Cause they're embarrassed hilarious And confused. hilarious hilarious 1090 hilarious 00:49:55,558 --> 00:49:57,492 hilarious Now that would be hilarious. hilarious hilarious 1091 hilarious 00:49:57,494 --> 00:50:00,761 hilarious Then you would have a story hilarious That you could call hilarious hilarious hilarious 1092 hilarious 00:50:00,763 --> 00:50:03,697 hilarious Without being accused hilarious of hyperbole. hilarious hilarious 1093 hilarious 00:50:11,473 --> 00:50:14,442 hilarious It's amazing, the stories that hilarious People think are interesting. hilarious hilarious 1094 hilarious 00:50:14,444 --> 00:50:16,177 hilarious And that's always one of 'em, hilarious hilarious 1095 hilarious 00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:19,013 hilarious Is when your friend ran hilarious Into somebody from their past, hilarious hilarious 1096 hilarious 00:50:19,015 --> 00:50:20,815 hilarious And they can't hilarious Wait to tell you. hilarious hilarious 1097 hilarious 00:50:20,817 --> 00:50:22,716 hilarious And first they want hilarious To tell you for 40 minutes hilarious hilarious 1098 hilarious 00:50:22,718 --> 00:50:24,252 hilarious How blown away you're gonna be hilarious hilarious 1099 hilarious 00:50:24,254 --> 00:50:26,287 hilarious That they saw this person. hilarious hilarious 1100 hilarious 00:50:26,289 --> 00:50:30,358 hilarious "Dude, you're not gonna believe Who i saw today." hilarious hilarious 1101 hilarious 00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:33,161 hilarious Yes, i am. hilarious hilarious 1102 hilarious 00:50:33,163 --> 00:50:35,063 hilarious Course i am. hilarious hilarious 1103 hilarious 00:50:35,065 --> 00:50:37,832 hilarious Don't even tell me. hilarious I don't care. hilarious hilarious 1104 hilarious 00:50:37,834 --> 00:50:40,435 hilarious "No. No, dude. 1105 00:50:40,437 --> 00:50:42,036 Dude!" hilarious hilarious 1106 hilarious 00:50:42,038 --> 00:50:45,740 hilarious "When you find out-- Holy shit! 1107 00:50:45,742 --> 00:50:47,441 When you find out who i saw," hilarious hilarious 1108 hilarious 00:50:47,443 --> 00:50:50,011 hilarious "You are gonna shit in your Father's mouth when i tell you. 1109 00:50:50,013 --> 00:50:51,679 I'm serious!" hilarious hilarious 1110 hilarious 00:50:51,681 --> 00:50:53,748 hilarious "When i tell you who i saw, 1111 00:50:53,750 --> 00:50:55,883 You are gonna" hilarious Kill, fuck, and eat hilarious hilarious 1112 hilarious 00:50:55,885 --> 00:50:59,053 hilarious "Four mexican retarded kids When i tell you who i saw today. 1113 00:50:59,055 --> 00:51:00,487 I'm s--you're gonna do that." hilarious hilarious 1114 hilarious 00:51:00,489 --> 00:51:03,223 hilarious "I'm serious That you're gonna do that. 1115 00:51:03,225 --> 00:51:04,625 You're not gonna--" hilarious hilarious 1116 hilarious 00:51:04,627 --> 00:51:06,160 hilarious "You're just gonna Rip out your asshole 1117 00:51:06,162 --> 00:51:08,229 And throw it on the wall." hilarious hilarious 1118 hilarious 00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:09,396 hilarious "It's gonna stick there, 1119 00:51:09,398 --> 00:51:10,698 And you're gonna" hilarious Dive through it hilarious hilarious 1120 hilarious 00:51:10,700 --> 00:51:12,734 hilarious Into another dimension." hilarious hilarious 1121 hilarious 00:51:12,736 --> 00:51:14,702 hilarious [Laughs] hilarious hilarious 1122 hilarious 00:51:14,704 --> 00:51:17,271 hilarious Tell you who i saw today. hilarious hilarious 1123 hilarious 00:51:21,710 --> 00:51:24,111 hilarious Anyway, i don't know hilarious Why i'm such an asshole. hilarious hilarious 1124 hilarious 00:51:24,113 --> 00:51:26,113 hilarious I really am. hilarious I have--i'm grumpy. hilarious hilarious 1125 hilarious 00:51:26,115 --> 00:51:28,683 hilarious I don't--i get impatient hilarious With people quickly, you know? hilarious hilarious 1126 hilarious 00:51:28,685 --> 00:51:29,684 hilarious I just get tired of-- hilarious hilarious 1127 hilarious 00:51:29,686 --> 00:51:31,085 hilarious When people are boring, hilarious hilarious 1128 hilarious 00:51:31,087 --> 00:51:34,289 hilarious I want to kill them, you know, hilarious And that's not fair. hilarious hilarious 1129 hilarious 00:51:34,291 --> 00:51:35,490 hilarious I used to like people more, hilarious hilarious 1130 hilarious 00:51:35,492 --> 00:51:36,824 hilarious But now i have children, hilarious hilarious 1131 hilarious 00:51:36,826 --> 00:51:38,292 hilarious And that changes your life. hilarious hilarious 1132 hilarious 00:51:38,294 --> 00:51:40,061 hilarious It changes your life hilarious In a lot of ways. hilarious hilarious 1133 hilarious 00:51:40,063 --> 00:51:42,262 hilarious Like, you spend hilarious A lot of time with people hilarious hilarious 1134 hilarious 00:51:42,264 --> 00:51:44,098 hilarious You never would have chosen hilarious To spend time with. hilarious hilarious 1135 hilarious 00:51:44,100 --> 00:51:45,600 hilarious Not in a million years. hilarious hilarious 1136 hilarious 00:51:45,602 --> 00:51:47,368 hilarious I spend whole days hilarious With people i'm like, hilarious hilarious 1137 hilarious 00:51:47,370 --> 00:51:49,236 hilarious "I never would have Hung out with you." hilarious hilarious 1138 hilarious 00:51:49,238 --> 00:51:50,638 hilarious I didn't choose you. hilarious hilarious 1139 hilarious 00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,072 hilarious Our children chose each other hilarious hilarious 1140 hilarious 00:51:52,074 --> 00:51:53,708 hilarious Based on no criteria, hilarious By the way. hilarious hilarious 1141 hilarious 00:51:53,710 --> 00:51:55,275 hilarious They're the same size. hilarious hilarious 1142 hilarious 00:51:55,277 --> 00:51:56,744 hilarious They don't give a shit hilarious hilarious 1143 hilarious 00:51:56,746 --> 00:52:00,014 hilarious Who they make me hilarious Hang out with. hilarious hilarious 1144 hilarious 00:52:00,016 --> 00:52:01,616 hilarious My daughter had hilarious A playdate the other day. hilarious hilarious 1145 hilarious 00:52:01,618 --> 00:52:03,417 hilarious This kid comes over, hilarious And his father brings him, hilarious hilarious 1146 hilarious 00:52:03,419 --> 00:52:04,952 hilarious And his father hilarious Brings his fucking face hilarious hilarious 1147 hilarious 00:52:04,954 --> 00:52:07,488 hilarious Into my house. hilarious hilarious 1148 hilarious 00:52:07,490 --> 00:52:08,923 hilarious And i have to ask it questions hilarious hilarious 1149 hilarious 00:52:08,925 --> 00:52:10,525 hilarious For an hour and a half. hilarious hilarious 1150 hilarious 00:52:10,527 --> 00:52:13,093 hilarious "Ugh. What do you do? I don't care. 1151 00:52:13,095 --> 00:52:15,462 God damn it." hilarious hilarious 1152 hilarious 00:52:15,464 --> 00:52:17,297 hilarious "What other shit Are you passing on 1153 00:52:17,299 --> 00:52:18,666 To that little faggot" hilarious You brought over here hilarious hilarious 1154 hilarious 00:52:18,668 --> 00:52:19,767 hilarious "To play with my kid? 1155 00:52:19,769 --> 00:52:21,102 I don't--i hate your son." hilarious hilarious 1156 hilarious 00:52:21,104 --> 00:52:22,837 hilarious "I hate him. 1157 00:52:22,839 --> 00:52:24,539 He smells." hilarious hilarious 1158 hilarious 00:52:24,541 --> 00:52:26,473 hilarious Gets too close hilarious When he talks. hilarious hilarious 1159 hilarious 00:52:26,475 --> 00:52:27,474 hilarious Can i have raisins? hilarious hilarious 1160 hilarious 00:52:27,476 --> 00:52:31,812 hilarious Yes, you can have-- hilarious Just...Stand... hilarious hilarious 1161 hilarious 00:52:31,814 --> 00:52:33,814 hilarious Dude, i'm not-- hilarious You're not mine. hilarious hilarious 1162 hilarious 00:52:33,816 --> 00:52:35,249 hilarious I don't love you. hilarious Do you understand? hilarious hilarious 1163 hilarious 00:52:35,251 --> 00:52:37,151 hilarious I don't have any--no love. hilarious hilarious 1164 hilarious 00:52:37,153 --> 00:52:39,554 hilarious None. hilarious hilarious 1165 hilarious 00:52:39,556 --> 00:52:41,022 hilarious I don't even have an instinct hilarious To protect you. hilarious hilarious 1166 hilarious 00:52:41,024 --> 00:52:42,423 hilarious I don't care if you die. hilarious hilarious 1167 hilarious 00:52:42,425 --> 00:52:45,560 hilarious I seriously--i won't hilarious Feel anything if you die. hilarious hilarious 1168 hilarious 00:52:45,562 --> 00:52:48,495 hilarious I'll have to pretend. hilarious For your dad. hilarious hilarious 1169 hilarious 00:52:52,634 --> 00:52:55,570 hilarious I like kids. hilarious Parents, i'm not crazy about. hilarious hilarious 1170 hilarious 00:52:55,572 --> 00:52:57,638 hilarious Most parents-- hilarious Like, this whole country, hilarious hilarious 1171 hilarious 00:52:57,640 --> 00:52:59,073 hilarious Our thing is the children. hilarious hilarious 1172 hilarious 00:52:59,075 --> 00:53:00,507 hilarious We have to do it all hilarious For the children. hilarious hilarious 1173 hilarious 00:53:00,509 --> 00:53:02,376 hilarious And, meanwhile, hilarious Nobody gives a shit hilarious hilarious 1174 hilarious 00:53:02,378 --> 00:53:04,144 hilarious About how hilarious They raise their kids. hilarious hilarious 1175 hilarious 00:53:04,146 --> 00:53:05,980 hilarious People put minimal effort hilarious Into it. hilarious hilarious 1176 hilarious 00:53:05,982 --> 00:53:07,181 hilarious They have--their kids-- hilarious hilarious 1177 hilarious 00:53:07,183 --> 00:53:08,783 hilarious They're, like, hilarious Consumers of their kids. hilarious hilarious 1178 hilarious 00:53:08,785 --> 00:53:10,384 hilarious Like, they want to call hilarious Customer service. hilarious hilarious 1179 hilarious 00:53:10,386 --> 00:53:12,587 hilarious "Why does he play Video games all day? 1180 00:53:12,589 --> 00:53:15,189 I don't understand Why he plays video--" hilarious hilarious 1181 hilarious 00:53:15,191 --> 00:53:17,592 hilarious Maybe 'cause you bought him hilarious A fucking video game, hilarious hilarious 1182 hilarious 00:53:17,594 --> 00:53:19,359 hilarious You idiot. hilarious hilarious 1183 hilarious 00:53:19,361 --> 00:53:21,896 hilarious Throw it a-- hilarious Throw it away! hilarious hilarious 1184 hilarious 00:53:21,898 --> 00:53:24,398 hilarious Who told you hilarious That was a good idea? hilarious hilarious 1185 hilarious 00:53:24,400 --> 00:53:26,000 hilarious A developing mind. hilarious hilarious 1186 hilarious 00:53:26,002 --> 00:53:28,335 hilarious [Grunts] hilarious hilarious 1187 hilarious 00:53:28,337 --> 00:53:32,106 hilarious Fucking idiots. hilarious hilarious 1188 hilarious 00:53:32,108 --> 00:53:33,708 hilarious My kids don't even hilarious Watch television. hilarious hilarious 1189 hilarious 00:53:33,710 --> 00:53:35,275 hilarious And when i tell hilarious Most other parents that, hilarious hilarious 1190 hilarious 00:53:35,277 --> 00:53:36,276 hilarious You know what they say? hilarious hilarious 1191 hilarious 00:53:36,278 --> 00:53:38,178 hilarious They go, hilarious Aw, fuck you. hilarious hilarious 1192 hilarious 00:53:38,180 --> 00:53:40,047 hilarious Why? hilarious hilarious 1193 hilarious 00:53:40,049 --> 00:53:42,049 hilarious "Just 'cause fuck you. 1194 00:53:42,051 --> 00:53:45,152 Fucking hippie weirdo." hilarious hilarious 1195 hilarious 00:53:45,154 --> 00:53:48,322 hilarious "They're gonna Grow up weirdos. 1196 00:53:48,324 --> 00:53:50,825 'Cause they don't watch" hilarious Just fucking anger and colors hilarious hilarious 1197 hilarious 00:53:50,827 --> 00:53:52,392 hilarious Screaming in their face." hilarious hilarious 1198 hilarious 00:53:52,394 --> 00:53:53,861 hilarious [Screams] hilarious hilarious 1199 hilarious 00:53:55,931 --> 00:53:57,265 hilarious If your kids watch tv, hilarious hilarious 1200 hilarious 00:53:57,267 --> 00:53:58,532 hilarious Here's what you should do. hilarious hilarious 1201 hilarious 00:53:58,534 --> 00:53:59,867 hilarious Just--if you think hilarious That's really a good idea hilarious hilarious 1202 hilarious 00:53:59,869 --> 00:54:01,168 hilarious To have 'em watch tv, hilarious hilarious 1203 hilarious 00:54:01,170 --> 00:54:02,803 hilarious Next time your kid's hilarious Watching television, hilarious hilarious 1204 hilarious 00:54:02,805 --> 00:54:04,471 hilarious Just come up behind them when hilarious They don't know you're there, hilarious hilarious 1205 hilarious 00:54:04,473 --> 00:54:06,240 hilarious And just turn it off hilarious Without any warning. hilarious hilarious 1206 hilarious 00:54:06,242 --> 00:54:07,208 hilarious Just go--pfft. hilarious hilarious 1207 hilarious 00:54:07,210 --> 00:54:08,275 hilarious Watch what happens. hilarious They go-- hilarious hilarious 1208 hilarious 00:54:08,277 --> 00:54:09,543 hilarious [Screams] hilarious hilarious 1209 hilarious 00:54:09,545 --> 00:54:11,578 hilarious Do you think hilarious That's a good sign? hilarious hilarious 1210 hilarious 00:54:11,580 --> 00:54:14,582 hilarious You think it's a sign hilarious That it's healthy for them? hilarious hilarious 1211 hilarious 00:54:14,584 --> 00:54:16,183 hilarious That when it's taken away hilarious They go-- hilarious hilarious 1212 hilarious 00:54:16,185 --> 00:54:18,619 hilarious [Mutters] hilarious hilarious 1213 hilarious 00:54:20,054 --> 00:54:22,523 hilarious Because you've created hilarious Such a high bar of stimulus hilarious hilarious 1214 hilarious 00:54:22,525 --> 00:54:24,892 hilarious That nothing competes. hilarious hilarious 1215 hilarious 00:54:24,894 --> 00:54:27,795 hilarious A beautiful day is shit hilarious To a child now. hilarious hilarious 1216 hilarious 00:54:27,797 --> 00:54:29,797 hilarious A gorgeous, panoramic day hilarious hilarious 1217 hilarious 00:54:29,799 --> 00:54:34,401 hilarious With hawks catching fucking mice hilarious And flying away hilarious hilarious 1218 hilarious 00:54:34,403 --> 00:54:38,639 hilarious And bears with fucking fish hilarious In their teeth. hilarious hilarious 1219 hilarious 00:54:38,641 --> 00:54:41,875 hilarious And the kid's like, hilarious "I want to watch the television! 1220 00:54:41,877 --> 00:54:45,446 This is nothing!" hilarious hilarious 1221 hilarious 00:54:45,448 --> 00:54:46,981 hilarious That's what's wrong hilarious With our kids. hilarious hilarious 1222 hilarious 00:54:46,983 --> 00:54:49,083 hilarious They can't just stand hilarious And be a person without-- hilarious hilarious 1223 hilarious 00:54:49,085 --> 00:54:53,020 hilarious Baa! Blah! hilarious hilarious 1224 hilarious 00:54:53,022 --> 00:54:54,622 hilarious And then the food-- hilarious hilarious 1225 hilarious 00:54:54,624 --> 00:54:57,858 hilarious We feed them food hilarious That tastes like insanity. hilarious hilarious 1226 hilarious 00:54:57,860 --> 00:55:00,394 hilarious It's insanity, our food. hilarious hilarious 1227 hilarious 00:55:00,396 --> 00:55:02,997 hilarious Do you under--you should hilarious To be able to give a kid hilarious hilarious 1228 hilarious 00:55:02,999 --> 00:55:04,999 hilarious An apple, and they go, hilarious "Oh, thank you. 1229 00:55:05,001 --> 00:55:06,701 I love apples." hilarious hilarious 1230 hilarious 00:55:06,703 --> 00:55:07,834 hilarious Kids can't even taste-- hilarious hilarious 1231 hilarious 00:55:07,836 --> 00:55:09,904 hilarious Apples are like paper to them. hilarious hilarious 1232 hilarious 00:55:09,906 --> 00:55:11,405 hilarious Because we fill 'em, hilarious hilarious 1233 hilarious 00:55:11,407 --> 00:55:12,907 hilarious We force them to eat-- hilarious hilarious 1234 hilarious 00:55:12,909 --> 00:55:15,109 hilarious People force their kids hilarious To eat fast food. hilarious hilarious 1235 hilarious 00:55:15,111 --> 00:55:16,510 hilarious I was in this hamburger-- hilarious hilarious 1236 hilarious 00:55:16,512 --> 00:55:18,979 hilarious This woman's, like, just hilarious Shoving french fries in the-- hilarious hilarious 1237 hilarious 00:55:18,981 --> 00:55:20,447 hilarious Eat it! hilarious hilarious 1238 hilarious 00:55:20,449 --> 00:55:22,550 hilarious The kid's, like, hilarious "Mom, it's salty. It hurts. 1239 00:55:22,552 --> 00:55:24,184 I can't eat anymore." hilarious hilarious 1240 hilarious 00:55:24,186 --> 00:55:26,887 hilarious "Shut up. Have a soda." hilarious hilarious 1241 hilarious 00:55:28,824 --> 00:55:32,727 hilarious We give them msg, hilarious Sugar, and caffeine, hilarious hilarious 1242 hilarious 00:55:32,729 --> 00:55:37,265 hilarious And, weirdly, hilarious They react to those chemicals. hilarious hilarious 1243 hilarious 00:55:37,267 --> 00:55:38,632 hilarious And so they yell, "aah." hilarious hilarious 1244 hilarious 00:55:38,634 --> 00:55:39,733 hilarious And then we hit them. hilarious hilarious 1245 hilarious 00:55:39,735 --> 00:55:44,238 hilarious What fucking chance hilarious Does a kid have? hilarious hilarious 1246 hilarious 00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:46,340 hilarious We pump the stuff in there. hilarious hilarious 1247 hilarious 00:55:46,342 --> 00:55:48,909 hilarious Aah! hilarious "Shut up! 1248 00:55:48,911 --> 00:55:52,213 Stop it." hilarious hilarious 1249 hilarious 00:55:52,215 --> 00:55:56,116 hilarious Why are you like this?" hilarious hilarious 1250 hilarious 00:55:56,118 --> 00:56:00,121 hilarious "'Cause i haven't had actual Nutrition in eight years, mom. 1251 00:56:00,123 --> 00:56:03,390 I'm dehydrated." hilarious hilarious 1252 hilarious 00:56:03,392 --> 00:56:04,592 hilarious "Give me water. 1253 00:56:04,594 --> 00:56:06,093 Pepsi's not water," hilarious You cunt. hilarious hilarious 1254 hilarious 00:56:06,095 --> 00:56:09,130 hilarious "Give me a glass of water. 1255 00:56:09,132 --> 00:56:11,032 I'm dying." hilarious hilarious 1256 hilarious 00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:14,234 hilarious I have sores on my tongue hilarious All the time." hilarious hilarious 1257 hilarious 00:56:17,371 --> 00:56:18,839 hilarious "And stop hitting me. 1258 00:56:18,841 --> 00:56:21,241 You're huge." hilarious hilarious 1259 hilarious 00:56:21,243 --> 00:56:25,746 hilarious "How could you hit me? That's crazy. 1260 00:56:25,748 --> 00:56:30,217 You're a giant, And i can't defend myself." hilarious hilarious 1261 hilarious 00:56:31,687 --> 00:56:34,888 hilarious I really think it's crazy hilarious That we hit our kids. hilarious hilarious 1262 hilarious 00:56:34,890 --> 00:56:37,424 hilarious It really is--here's the crazy hilarious Part about it. hilarious hilarious 1263 hilarious 00:56:37,426 --> 00:56:39,560 hilarious Kids are the only people hilarious In the world hilarious hilarious 1264 hilarious 00:56:39,562 --> 00:56:41,628 hilarious That you're allowed to hit. hilarious hilarious 1265 hilarious 00:56:41,630 --> 00:56:43,330 hilarious Do you realize that? hilarious hilarious 1266 hilarious 00:56:43,332 --> 00:56:44,898 hilarious They're the most vulnerable, hilarious hilarious 1267 hilarious 00:56:44,900 --> 00:56:47,802 hilarious And they're the most destroyed hilarious By being hit, hilarious hilarious 1268 hilarious 00:56:47,804 --> 00:56:51,004 hilarious But it's totally hilarious Okay to hit them. hilarious hilarious 1269 hilarious 00:56:51,006 --> 00:56:52,840 hilarious And they're the only ones. hilarious hilarious 1270 hilarious 00:56:52,842 --> 00:56:54,608 hilarious If you hit a dog, hilarious hilarious 1271 hilarious 00:56:54,610 --> 00:56:58,645 hilarious They fucking will put you hilarious In jail for that shit. hilarious hilarious 1272 hilarious 00:56:58,647 --> 00:57:00,047 hilarious You can't hit a person hilarious hilarious 1273 hilarious 00:57:00,049 --> 00:57:03,483 hilarious Unless you can prove that hilarious They were trying to kill you. hilarious hilarious 1274 hilarious 00:57:03,485 --> 00:57:05,853 hilarious But a little, tiny person hilarious With a head this big hilarious hilarious 1275 hilarious 00:57:05,855 --> 00:57:07,755 hilarious Who trusts you implicitly, hilarious Fuck 'em. hilarious hilarious 1276 hilarious 00:57:07,757 --> 00:57:09,189 hilarious Who gives a shit? hilarious hilarious 1277 hilarious 00:57:09,191 --> 00:57:12,326 hilarious Just fucking-- hilarious Let's all hit them. hilarious hilarious 1278 hilarious 00:57:12,328 --> 00:57:14,562 hilarious People want you hilarious To hit your kid. hilarious hilarious 1279 hilarious 00:57:14,564 --> 00:57:16,263 hilarious If your kid's making noise, hilarious hilarious 1280 hilarious 00:57:16,265 --> 00:57:17,464 hilarious They'll be like, hilarious "Hit him! Hit him! 1281 00:57:17,466 --> 00:57:19,266 Hit him!" hilarious hilarious 1282 hilarious 00:57:19,268 --> 00:57:23,603 hilarious [Growls] hilarious Hit him!" hilarious hilarious 1283 hilarious 00:57:23,605 --> 00:57:25,039 hilarious That's right. hilarious We're proud of it. hilarious hilarious 1284 hilarious 00:57:25,041 --> 00:57:26,740 hilarious We tell-- hilarious I hit my kids. hilarious hilarious 1285 hilarious 00:57:26,742 --> 00:57:28,175 hilarious That's what people say hilarious All the time. hilarious hilarious 1286 hilarious 00:57:28,177 --> 00:57:30,344 hilarious "You're damn right I hit my kids." hilarious hilarious 1287 hilarious 00:57:30,346 --> 00:57:32,179 hilarious Why--why do you hit them? hilarious hilarious 1288 hilarious 00:57:32,181 --> 00:57:35,949 hilarious "'Cause they were doing a thing I didn't like at the moment, 1289 00:57:35,951 --> 00:57:39,053 And so i hit them," hilarious And guess what? hilarious hilarious 1290 hilarious 00:57:39,055 --> 00:57:42,122 hilarious They didn't do it after that." hilarious hilarious 1291 hilarious 00:57:42,124 --> 00:57:44,124 hilarious Well, that wouldn't be taking hilarious The fucking easy way out, hilarious hilarious 1292 hilarious 00:57:44,126 --> 00:57:45,192 hilarious Would it? hilarious hilarious 1293 hilarious 00:57:45,194 --> 00:57:46,827 hilarious How about talking to 'em hilarious For a second, hilarious hilarious 1294 hilarious 00:57:46,829 --> 00:57:49,930 hilarious You fucking retard? hilarious hilarious 1295 hilarious 00:57:49,932 --> 00:57:51,732 hilarious How do you f-- hilarious How is that-- hilarious hilarious 1296 hilarious 00:57:51,734 --> 00:57:54,301 hilarious How is that the-- hilarious hilarious 1297 hilarious 00:57:54,303 --> 00:57:55,769 hilarious What are you, an idiot? hilarious hilarious 1298 hilarious 00:57:55,771 --> 00:58:00,274 hilarious What are you? hilarious A fucking ape? hilarious hilarious 1299 hilarious 00:58:00,276 --> 00:58:02,276 hilarious "Well, i don't-- It's a pain in the ass." hilarious hilarious 1300 hilarious 00:58:02,278 --> 00:58:03,477 hilarious Well, you fucked a woman, hilarious hilarious 1301 hilarious 00:58:03,479 --> 00:58:05,379 hilarious And a fucking baby hilarious Came out of her vagina. hilarious hilarious 1302 hilarious 00:58:05,381 --> 00:58:08,081 hilarious Now you be patient. hilarious hilarious 1303 hilarious 00:58:08,083 --> 00:58:12,219 hilarious It's not their fault. hilarious hilarious 1304 hilarious 00:58:12,221 --> 00:58:14,822 hilarious "Well, i'm teaching 'em That you hit things." hilarious hilarious 1305 hilarious 00:58:18,025 --> 00:58:19,093 hilarious "It's learning the world. 1306 00:58:19,095 --> 00:58:22,529 You hit him," hilarious And he'll know... hilarious hilarious 1307 hilarious 00:58:22,531 --> 00:58:25,265 hilarious "That i'm stronger than him, 1308 00:58:25,267 --> 00:58:27,968 That it hurts when my hand" hilarious Hits his face. hilarious hilarious 1309 hilarious 00:58:27,970 --> 00:58:29,102 hilarious "He'll know. 1310 00:58:29,104 --> 00:58:31,137 He'll get some wisdom" hilarious Out of that. hilarious hilarious 1311 hilarious 00:58:31,139 --> 00:58:33,941 hilarious Raising 'em right." hilarious hilarious 1312 hilarious 00:58:33,943 --> 00:58:36,577 hilarious God damn it. hilarious hilarious 1313 hilarious 00:58:36,579 --> 00:58:37,745 hilarious Look, though, hilarious Let me say this. hilarious hilarious 1314 hilarious 00:58:37,747 --> 00:58:40,180 hilarious If you have kids hilarious And you do hit your kids, hilarious hilarious 1315 hilarious 00:58:40,182 --> 00:58:42,015 hilarious I totally get it. hilarious I'm not judging. hilarious hilarious 1316 hilarious 00:58:42,017 --> 00:58:45,285 hilarious Let me just explain. hilarious I get it. hilarious hilarious 1317 hilarious 00:58:45,287 --> 00:58:48,488 hilarious Because my mom hit me. hilarious hilarious 1318 hilarious 00:58:48,490 --> 00:58:50,424 hilarious She hit me all the time. hilarious hilarious 1319 hilarious 00:58:50,426 --> 00:58:51,926 hilarious I don't hit my kids. hilarious hilarious 1320 hilarious 00:58:51,928 --> 00:58:53,226 hilarious I'm not better than my mom. hilarious hilarious 1321 hilarious 00:58:53,228 --> 00:58:55,228 hilarious It's 'cause she was poor hilarious And i have money. hilarious hilarious 1322 hilarious 00:58:55,230 --> 00:58:56,663 hilarious That's really all it is. hilarious hilarious 1323 hilarious 00:58:56,665 --> 00:58:58,599 hilarious It really is. hilarious hilarious 1324 hilarious 00:58:58,601 --> 00:59:00,000 hilarious My mom works really hard. hilarious hilarious 1325 hilarious 00:59:00,002 --> 00:59:01,301 hilarious She was a single mom. hilarious hilarious 1326 hilarious 00:59:01,303 --> 00:59:03,637 hilarious She'd come home all hilarious Bent over after 15 hours. hilarious hilarious 1327 hilarious 00:59:03,639 --> 00:59:05,739 hilarious I'd be like, "mommy, hilarious Nyah nyah nyah." hilarious hilarious 1328 hilarious 00:59:05,741 --> 00:59:06,907 hilarious Shut up! hilarious hilarious 1329 hilarious 00:59:06,909 --> 00:59:09,409 hilarious I totally get that. hilarious hilarious 1330 hilarious 00:59:09,411 --> 00:59:13,046 hilarious I work two hours a week hilarious Sometimes, hilarious hilarious 1331 hilarious 00:59:13,048 --> 00:59:15,816 hilarious So it's not really fair, hilarious hilarious 1332 hilarious 00:59:15,818 --> 00:59:18,819 hilarious And i know that. hilarious hilarious 1333 hilarious 00:59:18,821 --> 00:59:21,021 hilarious I know there's moments hilarious When you just fucking-- hilarious hilarious 1334 hilarious 00:59:21,023 --> 00:59:22,890 hilarious I mean, they're-- hilarious Being a parent means you have hilarious hilarious 1335 hilarious 00:59:22,892 --> 00:59:24,491 hilarious Your back up against the wall hilarious All the time, hilarious hilarious 1336 hilarious 00:59:24,493 --> 00:59:25,993 hilarious Because it's the only job hilarious You can't quit. hilarious hilarious 1337 hilarious 00:59:25,995 --> 00:59:27,561 hilarious It's the only job hilarious Where you can't just go-- hilarious hilarious 1338 hilarious 00:59:27,563 --> 00:59:28,862 hilarious Just put your wrench hilarious Down and go, hilarious hilarious 1339 hilarious 00:59:28,864 --> 00:59:30,631 hilarious "Fuck it, guys. I'm leaving. 1340 00:59:30,633 --> 00:59:32,933 I don't even" hilarious Want my last check. hilarious hilarious 1341 hilarious 00:59:32,935 --> 00:59:34,702 hilarious I'm going home." hilarious hilarious 1342 hilarious 00:59:38,540 --> 00:59:40,307 hilarious Anyway, i got two. hilarious hilarious 1343 hilarious 00:59:40,309 --> 00:59:42,610 hilarious And the seven-year-old, hilarious She's no trouble now. hilarious hilarious 1344 hilarious 00:59:42,612 --> 00:59:44,711 hilarious That kid's amazing. hilarious She's better than me. hilarious hilarious 1345 hilarious 00:59:44,713 --> 00:59:47,714 hilarious She's smarter than me. hilarious She's more decent. hilarious hilarious 1346 hilarious 00:59:47,716 --> 00:59:49,883 hilarious She's cleaner. hilarious hilarious 1347 hilarious 00:59:49,885 --> 00:59:51,485 hilarious Like, she comes out hilarious of her room all dressed hilarious hilarious 1348 hilarious 00:59:51,487 --> 00:59:52,586 hilarious With a little bow. hilarious hilarious 1349 hilarious 00:59:52,588 --> 00:59:54,154 hilarious She's like, "hi. hilarious Good morning, daddy." hilarious hilarious 1350 hilarious 00:59:54,156 --> 00:59:56,656 hilarious And i'm in my underwear, hilarious Like, "uh, hi." hilarious hilarious 1351 hilarious 01:00:03,198 --> 01:00:04,931 hilarious I keep trying hilarious Not to screw her up, hilarious hilarious 1352 hilarious 01:00:04,933 --> 01:00:06,400 hilarious Because she's headed hilarious For a great life hilarious hilarious 1353 hilarious 01:00:06,402 --> 01:00:07,468 hilarious Unless i fuck it up. hilarious hilarious 1354 hilarious 01:00:07,470 --> 01:00:08,768 hilarious That's basically hilarious What's going on. hilarious hilarious 1355 hilarious 01:00:08,770 --> 01:00:10,070 hilarious I'm not--i'm not hilarious A father anymore. hilarious hilarious 1356 hilarious 01:00:10,072 --> 01:00:12,339 hilarious I'm just a fat landlord. hilarious I don't really matter. hilarious hilarious 1357 hilarious 01:00:15,543 --> 01:00:17,478 hilarious Like, the other day, she was hilarious Asking me all these questions. hilarious hilarious 1358 hilarious 01:00:17,480 --> 01:00:19,146 hilarious And i totally hear-- hilarious She's asking me stuff, hilarious hilarious 1359 hilarious 01:00:19,148 --> 01:00:21,081 hilarious And i'm just trying to tell her hilarious What i know to be the truth. hilarious hilarious 1360 hilarious 01:00:21,083 --> 01:00:22,216 hilarious But you can't just do that. hilarious hilarious 1361 hilarious 01:00:22,218 --> 01:00:23,317 hilarious There's some shit hilarious That's true hilarious hilarious 1362 hilarious 01:00:23,319 --> 01:00:24,385 hilarious That you can't tell your kids hilarious hilarious 1363 hilarious 01:00:24,387 --> 01:00:25,452 hilarious When they're certain ages. hilarious hilarious 1364 hilarious 01:00:25,454 --> 01:00:26,820 hilarious I know that sounds simple, hilarious hilarious 1365 hilarious 01:00:26,822 --> 01:00:29,356 hilarious But you don't know all the time hilarious Until you fuck up. hilarious hilarious 1366 hilarious 01:00:29,358 --> 01:00:30,690 hilarious I'm talking to her, hilarious And she goes, hilarious hilarious 1367 hilarious 01:00:30,692 --> 01:00:32,326 hilarious "Daddy, does the earth Go around the sun?" hilarious hilarious 1368 hilarious 01:00:32,328 --> 01:00:33,427 hilarious And i was like, "yeah." hilarious hilarious 1369 hilarious 01:00:33,429 --> 01:00:34,895 hilarious She goes, "does it do it hilarious All the time?" hilarious hilarious 1370 hilarious 01:00:34,897 --> 01:00:36,296 hilarious And i go, "yeah." hilarious hilarious 1371 hilarious 01:00:36,298 --> 01:00:39,066 hilarious She says, "will the earth always hilarious Go around the sun forever?" hilarious hilarious 1372 hilarious 01:00:39,068 --> 01:00:40,734 hilarious And i was like, hilarious "Well, no, at some point, 1373 01:00:40,736 --> 01:00:43,337 The sun's gonna explode." hilarious hilarious 1374 hilarious 01:00:49,077 --> 01:00:52,012 hilarious She's seven years old. hilarious hilarious 1375 hilarious 01:00:52,014 --> 01:00:53,580 hilarious Do you understand hilarious How horrible that is? hilarious hilarious 1376 hilarious 01:00:53,582 --> 01:00:55,382 hilarious She started crying hilarious Immediately. hilarious hilarious 1377 hilarious 01:00:55,384 --> 01:00:59,386 hilarious Crying bitter tears hilarious For the death of all humanity. hilarious hilarious 1378 hilarious 01:00:59,388 --> 01:01:01,021 hilarious And here's how hilarious I tried to save it. hilarious hilarious 1379 hilarious 01:01:01,023 --> 01:01:02,756 hilarious I go, "oh, honey, hilarious This isn't gonna happen hilarious hilarious 1380 hilarious 01:01:02,758 --> 01:01:04,091 hilarious "Until you And everybody you know 1381 01:01:04,093 --> 01:01:06,026 Has been dead For a very long time." hilarious hilarious 1382 hilarious 01:01:10,398 --> 01:01:13,133 hilarious She didn't know hilarious Any of those things, hilarious hilarious 1383 hilarious 01:01:13,135 --> 01:01:16,937 hilarious And now she knows hilarious All of those things. hilarious hilarious 1384 hilarious 01:01:16,939 --> 01:01:19,339 hilarious She's gonna die. hilarious hilarious 1385 hilarious 01:01:19,341 --> 01:01:22,209 hilarious Everybody she knows hilarious Is gonna die. hilarious hilarious 1386 hilarious 01:01:22,211 --> 01:01:25,145 hilarious They're gonna be dead hilarious For a very long time, hilarious hilarious 1387 hilarious 01:01:25,147 --> 01:01:28,515 hilarious And then the sun's hilarious gonna explode. hilarious hilarious 1388 hilarious 01:01:28,517 --> 01:01:33,387 hilarious She learned all that hilarious In 12 seconds hilarious hilarious 1389 hilarious 01:01:33,389 --> 01:01:36,856 hilarious At the age of seven. hilarious hilarious 1390 hilarious 01:01:36,858 --> 01:01:38,625 hilarious She took it pretty well. hilarious I was proud of her. hilarious hilarious 1391 hilarious 01:01:38,627 --> 01:01:43,464 hilarious She's like, "oh. Dude." hilarious hilarious 1392 hilarious 01:01:43,466 --> 01:01:45,532 hilarious [Breathes heavily] hilarious hilarious 1393 hilarious 01:01:45,534 --> 01:01:48,468 hilarious "Okay, well... 1394 01:01:48,470 --> 01:01:51,705 I guess i'll go play. I don't..." hilarious hilarious 1395 hilarious 01:01:54,075 --> 01:01:55,341 hilarious She's had a tough year, hilarious That kid. hilarious hilarious 1396 hilarious 01:01:55,343 --> 01:01:56,577 hilarious I feel really bad. hilarious hilarious 1397 hilarious 01:01:56,579 --> 01:01:58,278 hilarious Lot of bad things hilarious Happened to her this year. hilarious hilarious 1398 hilarious 01:01:58,280 --> 01:02:00,547 hilarious This summer, hilarious She got bit by a pony. hilarious hilarious 1399 hilarious 01:02:00,549 --> 01:02:01,982 hilarious I'm not kidding. hilarious hilarious 1400 hilarious 01:02:01,984 --> 01:02:04,551 hilarious A pony bit her. hilarious hilarious 1401 hilarious 01:02:04,553 --> 01:02:08,822 hilarious How do you more break hilarious A little girl's heart? hilarious hilarious 1402 hilarious 01:02:08,824 --> 01:02:10,023 hilarious Than a pony bi-- hilarious hilarious 1403 hilarious 01:02:10,025 --> 01:02:12,659 hilarious That's like being raped hilarious By Santa Claus. hilarious hilarious 1404 hilarious 01:02:16,431 --> 01:02:19,933 hilarious It was the worst thing hilarious That ever happened, hilarious hilarious 1405 hilarious 01:02:19,935 --> 01:02:21,568 hilarious And it was made worse hilarious By the fact hilarious hilarious 1406 hilarious 01:02:21,570 --> 01:02:24,138 hilarious That it followed the greatest hilarious Moment of her life, hilarious hilarious 1407 hilarious 01:02:24,140 --> 01:02:26,173 hilarious Because she'd never hilarious Seen a pony up close. hilarious hilarious 1408 hilarious 01:02:26,175 --> 01:02:28,008 hilarious We just never were fucking-- hilarious Shitty parents. hilarious hilarious 1409 hilarious 01:02:28,010 --> 01:02:29,909 hilarious We never gave her, hilarious Like, a pony ride. hilarious hilarious 1410 hilarious 01:02:29,911 --> 01:02:31,645 hilarious And last summer hilarious I took the kids to Italy. hilarious hilarious 1411 hilarious 01:02:31,647 --> 01:02:33,413 hilarious I took my girls to Italy hilarious For whatever reason. hilarious hilarious 1412 hilarious 01:02:33,415 --> 01:02:34,848 hilarious I don't know why. hilarious hilarious 1413 hilarious 01:02:34,850 --> 01:02:37,351 hilarious And we're in this farmhouse hilarious In the middle of nowhere. hilarious hilarious 1414 hilarious 01:02:37,353 --> 01:02:38,818 hilarious And i put 'em to bed, hilarious And i come outside, hilarious hilarious 1415 hilarious 01:02:38,820 --> 01:02:40,420 hilarious And there's ponies. hilarious hilarious 1416 hilarious 01:02:40,422 --> 01:02:43,023 hilarious They just showed up hilarious Out of nowhere. hilarious hilarious 1417 hilarious 01:02:43,025 --> 01:02:45,159 hilarious Just wild ponies. hilarious hilarious 1418 hilarious 01:02:45,161 --> 01:02:48,262 hilarious Like 50 ponies. hilarious I'm not fucking with you. hilarious hilarious 1419 hilarious 01:02:48,264 --> 01:02:50,664 hilarious A huge amount of ponies. hilarious And one donkey. hilarious hilarious 1420 hilarious 01:02:50,666 --> 01:02:51,931 hilarious I don't know why. hilarious hilarious 1421 hilarious 01:02:51,933 --> 01:02:56,236 hilarious There was one donkey hilarious Hanging out with the ponies. hilarious hilarious 1422 hilarious 01:02:56,238 --> 01:02:57,271 hilarious And they're just la-- hilarious hilarious 1423 hilarious 01:02:57,273 --> 01:02:58,405 hilarious And i'm like-- hilarious [Gasps] hilarious hilarious 1424 hilarious 01:02:58,407 --> 01:02:59,939 hilarious And i run downstairs, hilarious And i wake her up. hilarious hilarious 1425 hilarious 01:02:59,941 --> 01:03:01,041 hilarious The little one, fuck her. hilarious hilarious 1426 hilarious 01:03:01,043 --> 01:03:02,108 hilarious She's not making memories. hilarious hilarious 1427 hilarious 01:03:02,110 --> 01:03:03,277 hilarious Who cares? hilarious It's not worth it. hilarious hilarious 1428 hilarious 01:03:03,279 --> 01:03:04,978 hilarious I take the seven-year-old, hilarious hilarious 1429 hilarious 01:03:04,980 --> 01:03:07,247 hilarious And i bring her outside, hilarious hilarious 1430 hilarious 01:03:07,249 --> 01:03:10,317 hilarious And she's standing barefoot hilarious In her pajamas. hilarious hilarious 1431 hilarious 01:03:10,319 --> 01:03:12,886 hilarious And it's dusk, hilarious And it's ponies, hilarious hilarious 1432 hilarious 01:03:12,888 --> 01:03:14,421 hilarious And she's like-- hilarious [Gasps] hilarious hilarious 1433 hilarious 01:03:14,423 --> 01:03:16,256 hilarious And i'm like, hilarious "I'm the best fucking father. 1434 01:03:16,258 --> 01:03:18,892 I'm the best father." hilarious Yeah! hilarious hilarious 1435 hilarious 01:03:18,894 --> 01:03:22,929 hilarious "Yeah! Look at that shit! 1436 01:03:22,931 --> 01:03:28,368 That's right! I gave that to you!" hilarious hilarious 1437 hilarious 01:03:28,370 --> 01:03:31,471 hilarious And she starts walking out hilarious Towards the ponies. hilarious hilarious 1438 hilarious 01:03:31,473 --> 01:03:32,806 hilarious She's like, hilarious "Can i go near them? 1439 01:03:32,808 --> 01:03:34,307 I'm like, yeah.""" hilarious I'm an idiot. hilarious hilarious 1440 hilarious 01:03:34,309 --> 01:03:36,176 hilarious I'm like, "yeah, totally. hilarious hilarious 1441 hilarious 01:03:36,178 --> 01:03:37,878 hilarious "Go on out there, honey. 1442 01:03:37,880 --> 01:03:41,514 You're only outnumbered" hilarious 50 to 1. hilarious hilarious 1443 hilarious 01:03:41,516 --> 01:03:43,950 hilarious "What could possibly happen 1444 01:03:43,952 --> 01:03:46,820 In a sea of wild ponies?" hilarious hilarious 1445 hilarious 01:03:48,422 --> 01:03:49,823 hilarious And she walks out, hilarious hilarious 1446 hilarious 01:03:49,825 --> 01:03:52,025 hilarious And there's this one, hilarious Beautiful, speckled pony, hilarious hilarious 1447 hilarious 01:03:52,027 --> 01:03:53,359 hilarious And as she's hilarious Walking towards it, hilarious hilarious 1448 hilarious 01:03:53,361 --> 01:03:54,961 hilarious I'm an asshole, hilarious 'Cause i don't read-- hilarious hilarious 1449 hilarious 01:03:54,963 --> 01:03:58,331 hilarious It's going like-- hilarious [Snorts] hilarious hilarious 1450 hilarious 01:03:58,333 --> 01:04:00,233 hilarious It's totally going, hilarious "Dude, [snorts] no. 1451 01:04:00,235 --> 01:04:02,435 Not--i'm not one of--" hilarious Fuck it. hilarious hilarious 1452 hilarious 01:04:02,437 --> 01:04:03,837 hilarious "Get her out. Get her out. 1453 01:04:03,839 --> 01:04:06,006 I'm a--dude," hilarious I'm a fucking Italian wild pony. hilarious hilarious 1454 hilarious 01:04:06,008 --> 01:04:09,242 hilarious Get her out of here." hilarious hilarious 1455 hilarious 01:04:09,244 --> 01:04:10,844 hilarious Can i go, daddy? hilarious hilarious 1456 hilarious 01:04:10,846 --> 01:04:13,613 hilarious I'm like, "yes, totally. hilarious Go up to the pony." hilarious hilarious 1457 hilarious 01:04:13,615 --> 01:04:14,981 hilarious She walks up to the pony, hilarious hilarious 1458 hilarious 01:04:14,983 --> 01:04:17,050 hilarious And she turns to me and says, hilarious He's beautiful. hilarious hilarious 1459 hilarious 01:04:17,052 --> 01:04:18,318 hilarious And as she's saying that, hilarious hilarious 1460 hilarious 01:04:18,320 --> 01:04:21,622 hilarious The pony bites her hilarious On the fucking leg. hilarious hilarious 1461 hilarious 01:04:21,624 --> 01:04:23,056 hilarious And she screams. hilarious hilarious 1462 hilarious 01:04:23,058 --> 01:04:25,191 hilarious It didn't break the skin, hilarious But it was an awful bruise. hilarious hilarious 1463 hilarious 01:04:25,193 --> 01:04:26,793 hilarious And i grab her hilarious And i run inside. hilarious hilarious 1464 hilarious 01:04:26,795 --> 01:04:30,530 hilarious And she says, "why, daddy? hilarious Why did the pony bite me?" hilarious hilarious 1465 hilarious 01:04:30,532 --> 01:04:32,699 hilarious And i said, "i don't know." hilarious hilarious 1466 hilarious 01:04:32,701 --> 01:04:34,902 hilarious And she said, hilarious Do ponies bite a lot? hilarious hilarious 1467 hilarious 01:04:34,904 --> 01:04:36,035 hilarious And i'm like, "well, yeah," hilarious hilarious 1468 hilarious 01:04:36,037 --> 01:04:37,337 hilarious 'Cause i don't want her to think hilarious hilarious 1469 hilarious 01:04:37,339 --> 01:04:38,104 hilarious That she's so horrible hilarious hilarious 1470 hilarious 01:04:38,106 --> 01:04:40,874 hilarious That the first pony ever hilarious Bit her. hilarious hilarious 1471 hilarious 01:04:40,876 --> 01:04:42,776 hilarious I go, "yeah, honey, hilarious Ponies bite," hilarious hilarious 1472 hilarious 01:04:42,778 --> 01:04:45,478 hilarious And she goes, "well, hilarious Why did you let me near it?" hilarious hilarious 1473 hilarious 01:04:49,116 --> 01:04:52,185 hilarious She's like, "dude, hilarious Make a fucking effort." hilarious hilarious 1474 hilarious 01:04:58,026 --> 01:04:59,892 hilarious And then we're in the house, hilarious And she says-- hilarious hilarious 1475 hilarious 01:04:59,894 --> 01:05:01,394 hilarious This is how great this kid is. hilarious hilarious 1476 hilarious 01:05:01,396 --> 01:05:02,829 hilarious She calms down, hilarious And she goes, hilarious hilarious 1477 hilarious 01:05:02,831 --> 01:05:05,065 hilarious "I want to look up About ponies biting." hilarious hilarious 1478 hilarious 01:05:05,067 --> 01:05:06,166 hilarious Like, that's how she thinks. hilarious hilarious 1479 hilarious 01:05:06,168 --> 01:05:07,301 hilarious Something upsets her, hilarious hilarious 1480 hilarious 01:05:07,303 --> 01:05:10,104 hilarious She wants to look it up hilarious And learn about it. hilarious hilarious 1481 hilarious 01:05:10,106 --> 01:05:11,471 hilarious She says, "i want to find out hilarious Why they bite hilarious hilarious 1482 hilarious 01:05:11,473 --> 01:05:13,373 hilarious And what people say about it." hilarious hilarious 1483 hilarious 01:05:13,375 --> 01:05:16,042 hilarious So we go and we do look up hilarious About ponies, hilarious hilarious 1484 hilarious 01:05:16,044 --> 01:05:17,578 hilarious And it turns hilarious Out they're assholes. hilarious hilarious 1485 hilarious 01:05:17,580 --> 01:05:21,748 hilarious They bite all the time. hilarious hilarious 1486 hilarious 01:05:21,750 --> 01:05:23,083 hilarious And there's all these websites hilarious hilarious 1487 hilarious 01:05:23,085 --> 01:05:25,418 hilarious That talk about what to do hilarious When your pony bites, hilarious hilarious 1488 hilarious 01:05:25,420 --> 01:05:27,254 hilarious And it's like everything else hilarious On the internet. hilarious hilarious 1489 hilarious 01:05:27,256 --> 01:05:29,923 hilarious It's just fighting. hilarious Just people angry at each other. hilarious hilarious 1490 hilarious 01:05:29,925 --> 01:05:31,191 hilarious The first guy says, hilarious hilarious 1491 hilarious 01:05:31,193 --> 01:05:34,994 hilarious "You got to punch the pony Right in the face." hilarious hilarious 1492 hilarious 01:05:34,996 --> 01:05:37,397 hilarious Just punch it hilarious Right in the face. hilarious hilarious 1493 hilarious 01:05:39,567 --> 01:05:42,302 hilarious Then the next person says, hilarious "You're a terrible person. 1494 01:05:42,304 --> 01:05:46,340 You should have your ponies Taken away from you." hilarious hilarious 1495 hilarious 01:05:46,342 --> 01:05:47,974 hilarious The next person hilarious Was my favorite. hilarious hilarious 1496 hilarious 01:05:47,976 --> 01:05:50,977 hilarious They go, "people who don't punch hilarious Their ponies make me sick." hilarious hilarious 1497 hilarious 01:05:55,016 --> 01:05:57,584 hilarious So we really are hilarious A divided nation. hilarious hilarious 1498 hilarious 01:06:01,790 --> 01:06:04,057 hilarious The three-year-old hilarious Is a different story. hilarious hilarious 1499 hilarious 01:06:04,059 --> 01:06:05,726 hilarious The three-year-old, hilarious Here's her deal. hilarious hilarious 1500 hilarious 01:06:05,728 --> 01:06:07,794 hilarious She's a three-year-old. hilarious That's really it. hilarious hilarious 1501 hilarious 01:06:07,796 --> 01:06:08,928 hilarious She's three years old. hilarious hilarious 1502 hilarious 01:06:08,930 --> 01:06:10,397 hilarious The other day hilarious I got in a fight with her. hilarious hilarious 1503 hilarious 01:06:10,399 --> 01:06:12,132 hilarious Whose fault is that? hilarious hilarious 1504 hilarious 01:06:12,134 --> 01:06:15,135 hilarious I'm 41, hilarious And she's 3. hilarious hilarious 1505 hilarious 01:06:15,137 --> 01:06:16,970 hilarious It's always your fault hilarious With a three-year-old. hilarious hilarious 1506 hilarious 01:06:16,972 --> 01:06:17,971 hilarious Always. hilarious hilarious 1507 hilarious 01:06:17,973 --> 01:06:19,206 hilarious Because they are hilarious Just what they are. hilarious hilarious 1508 hilarious 01:06:19,208 --> 01:06:21,208 hilarious They can't help it. hilarious Just tape the windows. hilarious hilarious 1509 hilarious 01:06:21,210 --> 01:06:24,378 hilarious It's a fucking hurricane. hilarious Just wait. hilarious hilarious 1510 hilarious 01:06:24,380 --> 01:06:26,380 hilarious Anytime you're like this hilarious With a three-year-old-- hilarious hilarious 1511 hilarious 01:06:26,382 --> 01:06:28,348 hilarious Don't you under-- hilarious You're an idiot. hilarious hilarious 1512 hilarious 01:06:28,350 --> 01:06:29,349 hilarious That's you being an idiot. hilarious hilarious 1513 hilarious 01:06:29,351 --> 01:06:30,717 hilarious Don't you understand? hilarious hilarious 1514 hilarious 01:06:30,719 --> 01:06:32,553 hilarious "No, i don't, dad. I haven't developed enough. 1515 01:06:32,555 --> 01:06:36,356 You just have to wait." hilarious hilarious 1516 hilarious 01:06:36,358 --> 01:06:37,424 hilarious But it was partly her fault, hilarious hilarious 1517 hilarious 01:06:37,426 --> 01:06:38,892 hilarious 'Cause she wore me down. hilarious hilarious 1518 hilarious 01:06:38,894 --> 01:06:40,060 hilarious Let me tell you hilarious What happened. hilarious hilarious 1519 hilarious 01:06:40,062 --> 01:06:41,562 hilarious It was this horrible, hilarious Horrible day. hilarious hilarious 1520 hilarious 01:06:41,564 --> 01:06:43,664 hilarious It started the night before, hilarious 'Cause she woke me up all night. hilarious hilarious 1521 hilarious 01:06:43,666 --> 01:06:44,798 hilarious Just woke me up hilarious Every fucking-- hilarious hilarious 1522 hilarious 01:06:44,800 --> 01:06:46,066 hilarious Just ten minutes. hilarious Just woke me up-- hilarious hilarious 1523 hilarious 01:06:46,068 --> 01:06:47,233 hilarious Just-- hilarious Dad. hilarious hilarious 1524 hilarious 01:06:47,235 --> 01:06:48,735 hilarious With nothing. hilarious That's the worst part. hilarious hilarious 1525 hilarious 01:06:48,737 --> 01:06:50,204 hilarious Daddy! hilarious Wha--what? What is it? hilarious hilarious 1526 hilarious 01:06:50,206 --> 01:06:51,205 hilarious Um... hilarious hilarious 1527 hilarious 01:06:51,207 --> 01:06:53,940 hilarious "Oh, fuck you. You got nothing. 1528 01:06:53,942 --> 01:06:56,176 You bullshitter, you." hilarious hilarious 1529 hilarious 01:06:59,214 --> 01:07:00,914 hilarious So now it's the next morning, hilarious hilarious 1530 hilarious 01:07:00,916 --> 01:07:02,749 hilarious I'm making breakfast, hilarious And i'm gone. hilarious hilarious 1531 hilarious 01:07:02,751 --> 01:07:04,484 hilarious I'm insane. hilarious hilarious 1532 hilarious 01:07:04,486 --> 01:07:06,119 hilarious I drank too much coffee hilarious To overcompensate, hilarious hilarious 1533 hilarious 01:07:06,121 --> 01:07:07,421 hilarious And i'm like-- hilarious hilarious 1534 hilarious 01:07:07,423 --> 01:07:09,223 hilarious I keep having these moments hilarious Where it's like-- hilarious hilarious 1535 hilarious 01:07:09,225 --> 01:07:12,058 hilarious And there's nothing there. hilarious Just nothing. hilarious hilarious 1536 hilarious 01:07:12,060 --> 01:07:14,695 hilarious Uh, okay. Jesus. hilarious hilarious 1537 hilarious 01:07:14,697 --> 01:07:15,895 hilarious I'm making french toast. hilarious hilarious 1538 hilarious 01:07:15,897 --> 01:07:17,664 hilarious She's over there hilarious Sitting in her little chair, hilarious hilarious 1539 hilarious 01:07:17,666 --> 01:07:18,732 hilarious Just fucking anger. hilarious hilarious 1540 hilarious 01:07:18,734 --> 01:07:20,534 hilarious Just pure--she's hilarious A little ball of anger. hilarious hilarious 1541 hilarious 01:07:20,536 --> 01:07:24,170 hilarious She's like, hilarious I want french toast! hilarious hilarious 1542 hilarious 01:07:24,172 --> 01:07:26,740 hilarious I'm like, "yeah, that's hilarious What i'm making, honey. hilarious hilarious 1543 hilarious 01:07:26,742 --> 01:07:28,408 hilarious I'm making french toast." hilarious hilarious 1544 hilarious 01:07:28,410 --> 01:07:30,110 hilarious I bring it over. hilarious Here. hilarious hilarious 1545 hilarious 01:07:30,112 --> 01:07:32,312 hilarious Give me syrup! hilarious hilarious 1546 hilarious 01:07:32,314 --> 01:07:34,781 hilarious "Yes. of course. I'll give you syrup. 1547 01:07:34,783 --> 01:07:37,517 I always do. I love you very much." hilarious hilarious 1548 hilarious 01:07:37,519 --> 01:07:39,919 hilarious Cut it for me! hilarious hilarious 1549 hilarious 01:07:39,921 --> 01:07:41,388 hilarious "I'm happy to cut it for you. 1550 01:07:41,390 --> 01:07:43,590 You're not asking nicely," hilarious But it's okay. hilarious hilarious 1551 hilarious 01:07:43,592 --> 01:07:44,658 hilarious "I'll cut it for you, Baby. 1552 01:07:44,660 --> 01:07:46,860 I love you very much." hilarious hilarious 1553 hilarious 01:07:46,862 --> 01:07:48,595 hilarious Then she's looking hilarious At her plate, hilarious hilarious 1554 hilarious 01:07:48,597 --> 01:07:51,030 hilarious And she's literally going-- hilarious [Breathing heavily] hilarious hilarious 1555 hilarious 01:07:51,032 --> 01:07:52,899 hilarious 'Cause she needs to be-- hilarious Want something. hilarious hilarious 1556 hilarious 01:07:52,901 --> 01:07:53,967 hilarious You know, she didn't-- hilarious hilarious 1557 hilarious 01:07:53,969 --> 01:07:55,535 hilarious There's nothing logical hilarious For her to want, hilarious hilarious 1558 hilarious 01:07:55,537 --> 01:07:57,738 hilarious So her brain has to go hilarious Somewhere crazy. hilarious hilarious 1559 hilarious 01:07:57,740 --> 01:07:58,938 hilarious So she's looking hilarious At her plate. hilarious hilarious 1560 hilarious 01:07:58,940 --> 01:08:03,242 hilarious She goes, "i don't know hilarious Which piece to eat!" hilarious hilarious 1561 hilarious 01:08:07,581 --> 01:08:09,015 hilarious And i'm still not engaging. hilarious hilarious 1562 hilarious 01:08:09,017 --> 01:08:10,216 hilarious I'm like, hilarious "Oh, i know, honey. 1563 01:08:10,218 --> 01:08:12,151 That's hard." hilarious That's really hard. hilarious hilarious 1564 hilarious 01:08:12,153 --> 01:08:14,320 hilarious "I'll just make a list of pros And cons for every piece, 1565 01:08:14,322 --> 01:08:16,455 And i'll help you With it later." hilarious hilarious 1566 hilarious 01:08:16,457 --> 01:08:18,391 hilarious And i look at her, hilarious And she's walking towards me now hilarious hilarious 1567 hilarious 01:08:18,393 --> 01:08:19,826 hilarious With the plate just vertical, hilarious hilarious 1568 hilarious 01:08:19,828 --> 01:08:21,728 hilarious With syrup fucking hilarious Going on the floor. hilarious hilarious 1569 hilarious 01:08:21,730 --> 01:08:24,731 hilarious She's like, hilarious "Help me! 1570 01:08:24,733 --> 01:08:27,634 You're not helping!" hilarious hilarious 1571 hilarious 01:08:29,637 --> 01:08:33,973 hilarious And i'm standing there, hilarious Like, looking at her, hilarious hilarious 1572 hilarious 01:08:33,975 --> 01:08:38,044 hilarious And i love her, hilarious And i'm proud of her in a way, hilarious hilarious 1573 hilarious 01:08:38,046 --> 01:08:39,713 hilarious 'Cause i know she'll never hilarious Want for anything. hilarious hilarious 1574 hilarious 01:08:39,715 --> 01:08:41,214 hilarious She'll beat the shit hilarious Out of people. hilarious hilarious 1575 hilarious 01:08:41,216 --> 01:08:43,850 hilarious She's... hilarious hilarious 1576 hilarious 01:08:43,852 --> 01:08:46,519 hilarious She'll kill people for meat hilarious After the apocalypse. hilarious hilarious 1577 hilarious 01:08:46,521 --> 01:08:50,757 hilarious She'll be one of those. hilarious hilarious 1578 hilarious 01:08:50,759 --> 01:08:52,926 hilarious And then later i'm trying hilarious To get them dressed for school, hilarious hilarious 1579 hilarious 01:08:52,928 --> 01:08:54,928 hilarious And now the clock's ticking, hilarious And i'm like, "uh..." hilarious hilarious 1580 hilarious 01:08:54,930 --> 01:08:56,330 hilarious And i'm trying to put hilarious A sweater on her, hilarious hilarious 1581 hilarious 01:08:56,332 --> 01:08:57,564 hilarious And it's impossible. hilarious hilarious 1582 hilarious 01:08:57,566 --> 01:08:59,666 hilarious The sweater has buttons hilarious That just don't exist. hilarious hilarious 1583 hilarious 01:08:59,668 --> 01:09:00,867 hilarious And i'm fucking-- hilarious hilarious 1584 hilarious 01:09:00,869 --> 01:09:03,102 hilarious My fat fingers, hilarious And they're full of sweat. hilarious hilarious 1585 hilarious 01:09:03,104 --> 01:09:05,338 hilarious And i have just tears hilarious Going down my cheeks. hilarious hilarious 1586 hilarious 01:09:05,340 --> 01:09:06,973 hilarious Crazy tears. hilarious hilarious 1587 hilarious 01:09:06,975 --> 01:09:08,041 hilarious I'm not crying. hilarious hilarious 1588 hilarious 01:09:08,043 --> 01:09:10,010 hilarious I'm, like, hilarious Smiling with tears. hilarious hilarious 1589 hilarious 01:09:10,012 --> 01:09:11,544 hilarious Copious-- hilarious hilarious 1590 hilarious 01:09:11,546 --> 01:09:13,480 hilarious "I can't-- I can't put on the sweater. 1591 01:09:13,482 --> 01:09:16,516 I can't put on the sweater." hilarious hilarious 1592 hilarious 01:09:16,518 --> 01:09:19,852 hilarious I can't. hilarious I really can't do it." hilarious hilarious 1593 hilarious 01:09:19,854 --> 01:09:22,922 hilarious And she's going like this. hilarious hilarious 1594 hilarious 01:09:22,924 --> 01:09:25,358 hilarious So i give her a fig newton hilarious Just to immobilize her, hilarious hilarious 1595 hilarious 01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:27,059 hilarious Just to stop it. hilarious hilarious 1596 hilarious 01:09:27,061 --> 01:09:29,096 hilarious 'Cause she loves fig newtons. hilarious hilarious 1597 hilarious 01:09:29,098 --> 01:09:30,530 hilarious I go, "here, honey. hilarious Have a fig newton." hilarious hilarious 1598 hilarious 01:09:30,532 --> 01:09:34,401 hilarious She goes, "they're not hilarious Called fig newtons. hilarious hilarious 1599 hilarious 01:09:34,403 --> 01:09:39,572 hilarious They're called pig newtons." hilarious hilarious 1600 hilarious 01:09:39,574 --> 01:09:42,876 hilarious And i go, hilarious "No, they're not. 1601 01:09:42,878 --> 01:09:46,413 They're called fig newtons." hilarious hilarious 1602 hilarious 01:09:46,415 --> 01:09:49,482 hilarious And right away in my head hilarious I'm like, "what are you doing? hilarious hilarious 1603 hilarious 01:09:49,484 --> 01:09:53,453 hilarious "Why? What is to be gained? 1604 01:09:53,455 --> 01:09:55,354 What do you care?" hilarious hilarious 1605 hilarious 01:09:55,356 --> 01:09:57,624 hilarious Just--"yeah, pig newtons. hilarious Fine. Go ahead. hilarious hilarious 1606 hilarious 01:09:57,626 --> 01:09:59,025 hilarious "Good luck to you. Go through life. 1607 01:09:59,027 --> 01:10:00,326 See what kind of job" hilarious You can hold down hilarious hilarious 1608 hilarious 01:10:00,328 --> 01:10:02,295 hilarious "With shit like that Clanging around in your head. 1609 01:10:02,297 --> 01:10:05,865 I don't care. I'll be dead." hilarious hilarious 1610 hilarious 01:10:05,867 --> 01:10:07,767 hilarious But for some reason hilarious I engaged. hilarious hilarious 1611 hilarious 01:10:07,769 --> 01:10:10,637 hilarious "No, honey, They're called fig newtons." hilarious hilarious 1612 hilarious 01:10:10,639 --> 01:10:13,840 hilarious She goes, hilarious "No. You don't know. 1613 01:10:13,842 --> 01:10:18,144 You don't know. They're called pig newtons." hilarious hilarious 1614 hilarious 01:10:18,146 --> 01:10:21,314 hilarious And i just--i feel this rage hilarious Building inside. hilarious hilarious 1615 hilarious 01:10:21,316 --> 01:10:24,116 hilarious Just... hilarious hilarious 1616 hilarious 01:10:24,118 --> 01:10:26,352 hilarious Because it's not hilarious That she's wrong. hilarious hilarious 1617 hilarious 01:10:26,354 --> 01:10:28,387 hilarious She's three. hilarious She's entitled to be wrong. hilarious hilarious 1618 hilarious 01:10:28,389 --> 01:10:31,591 hilarious But it's the fucking arrogance hilarious hilarious 1619 hilarious 01:10:31,593 --> 01:10:33,827 hilarious of this kid. hilarious hilarious 1620 hilarious 01:10:33,829 --> 01:10:36,262 hilarious No humility. hilarious hilarious 1621 hilarious 01:10:36,264 --> 01:10:39,298 hilarious No decent sense hilarious of self-doubt. hilarious hilarious 1622 hilarious 01:10:39,300 --> 01:10:41,568 hilarious She's not going like, "dad, hilarious I think those are pig newtons. hilarious hilarious 1623 hilarious 01:10:41,570 --> 01:10:43,336 hilarious Are you sure hilarious That you have it right?" hilarious hilarious 1624 hilarious 01:10:43,338 --> 01:10:44,370 hilarious She's not saying that. hilarious hilarious 1625 hilarious 01:10:44,372 --> 01:10:45,638 hilarious She's not going, like, hilarious hilarious 1626 hilarious 01:10:45,640 --> 01:10:47,440 hilarious "Dad, i'm pretty sure Those are pig newtons," hilarious hilarious 1627 hilarious 01:10:47,442 --> 01:10:49,175 hilarious Which would be a little hilarious Cunty, but acceptable. hilarious hilarious 1628 hilarious 01:10:49,177 --> 01:10:50,544 hilarious I could deal with that. hilarious hilarious 1629 hilarious 01:10:50,546 --> 01:10:52,412 hilarious She's giving me nothing. hilarious hilarious 1630 hilarious 01:10:52,414 --> 01:10:55,248 hilarious "No, you don't know. 1631 01:10:55,250 --> 01:10:56,583 Those are pig--" hilarious hilarious 1632 hilarious 01:10:56,585 --> 01:10:58,217 hilarious I'm like, hilarious "Really? I don't know? 1633 01:10:58,219 --> 01:10:59,719 I don't know?" hilarious hilarious 1634 hilarious 01:10:59,721 --> 01:11:02,889 hilarious "Dude, i'm not even using My memory right now, okay? 1635 01:11:02,891 --> 01:11:05,525 I'm reading the fucking box" hilarious hilarious 1636 hilarious 01:11:05,527 --> 01:11:09,162 hilarious "That the shit came out of! 1637 01:11:09,164 --> 01:11:12,064 It says it!" hilarious hilarious 1638 hilarious 01:11:12,066 --> 01:11:14,901 hilarious Where are you getting hilarious Your information?" hilarious hilarious 1639 hilarious 01:11:16,370 --> 01:11:20,339 hilarious "How do you fuck with me On this? 1640 01:11:20,341 --> 01:11:24,811 You're 3 and i'm 41!" hilarious hilarious 1641 hilarious 01:11:24,813 --> 01:11:28,247 hilarious "What are the odds that You're right and i'm wrong? 1642 01:11:28,249 --> 01:11:31,150 What are the sheer odds" hilarious of that? hilarious hilarious 1643 hilarious 01:11:31,152 --> 01:11:32,819 hilarious "And take a bite of the cookie. 1644 01:11:32,821 --> 01:11:34,754 Does it taste like" hilarious A pork cookie, motherfucker? hilarious hilarious 1645 hilarious 01:11:34,756 --> 01:11:38,624 hilarious "I don't think so. 1646 01:11:38,626 --> 01:11:41,227 Why would they call it A pig newton?" hilarious hilarious 1647 hilarious 01:11:44,765 --> 01:11:46,566 hilarious "What's-- Oh, it tastes like figs. 1648 01:11:46,568 --> 01:11:48,801 Fucking interesting, That, isn't it?" hilarious hilarious 1649 hilarious 01:11:55,843 --> 01:11:57,510 hilarious I didn't say a word of that. hilarious Obviously. hilarious hilarious 1650 hilarious 01:11:57,512 --> 01:11:59,880 hilarious But anyway, later... hilarious hilarious 1651 hilarious 01:11:59,882 --> 01:12:02,349 hilarious Got the kids dressed. hilarious It's winter. hilarious hilarious 1652 hilarious 01:12:02,351 --> 01:12:03,449 hilarious We all have the layers on, hilarious hilarious 1653 hilarious 01:12:03,451 --> 01:12:04,617 hilarious And it's time hilarious To go to school. hilarious hilarious 1654 hilarious 01:12:04,619 --> 01:12:06,519 hilarious And i've got ten minutes hilarious To get to a school hilarious hilarious 1655 hilarious 01:12:06,521 --> 01:12:07,520 hilarious That's ten minutes away, hilarious hilarious 1656 hilarious 01:12:07,522 --> 01:12:09,122 hilarious Which is a horrible feeling. hilarious hilarious 1657 hilarious 01:12:09,124 --> 01:12:10,957 hilarious I put my hand hilarious On the door to leave, hilarious hilarious 1658 hilarious 01:12:10,959 --> 01:12:15,895 hilarious And all of a sudden i go, hilarious "I got to take a shit. 1659 01:12:15,897 --> 01:12:16,896 Take the coats off, kids." hilarious hilarious 1660 hilarious 01:12:16,898 --> 01:12:18,064 hilarious "We're gonna be late. 1661 01:12:18,066 --> 01:12:19,532 You're gonna be" hilarious 40 minutes late. hilarious hilarious 1662 hilarious 01:12:19,534 --> 01:12:20,800 hilarious I don't give a shit." hilarious hilarious 1663 hilarious 01:12:20,802 --> 01:12:23,637 hilarious I am not walking hilarious To school like this. hilarious hilarious 1664 hilarious 01:12:23,639 --> 01:12:25,638 hilarious I can't use the bathroom hilarious At the school, hilarious hilarious 1665 hilarious 01:12:25,640 --> 01:12:29,408 hilarious 'Cause child molesters hilarious Ruined that for everybody. hilarious hilarious 1666 hilarious 01:12:29,410 --> 01:12:31,878 hilarious Just--we're-- hilarious I'm shitting here. hilarious hilarious 1667 hilarious 01:12:31,880 --> 01:12:33,179 hilarious So i'm sitting on the toilet. hilarious hilarious 1668 hilarious 01:12:33,181 --> 01:12:34,213 hilarious I'm shitting. hilarious hilarious 1669 hilarious 01:12:34,215 --> 01:12:35,381 hilarious With the door open, hilarious By the way. hilarious hilarious 1670 hilarious 01:12:35,383 --> 01:12:37,717 hilarious That's my life. hilarious Two kids by myself. hilarious hilarious 1671 hilarious 01:12:37,719 --> 01:12:39,653 hilarious I can't shit hilarious With the door closed. hilarious hilarious 1672 hilarious 01:12:39,655 --> 01:12:41,354 hilarious Unless i gather them hilarious Into the bathroom hilarious hilarious 1673 hilarious 01:12:41,356 --> 01:12:43,056 hilarious To watch daddy take a dump. hilarious hilarious 1674 hilarious 01:12:43,058 --> 01:12:44,857 hilarious Which i've done hilarious With the little one. hilarious hilarious 1675 hilarious 01:12:44,859 --> 01:12:47,159 hilarious "Honey, uh, i got to poop And you're too crazy. 1676 01:12:47,161 --> 01:12:50,830 Just come with me. You got to come with me." hilarious hilarious 1677 hilarious 01:12:50,832 --> 01:12:52,932 hilarious So i'm sitting there, hilarious And i'm shitting, hilarious hilarious 1678 hilarious 01:12:52,934 --> 01:12:57,137 hilarious And i'm trying to see them hilarious In the other room. hilarious hilarious 1679 hilarious 01:12:57,139 --> 01:12:58,404 hilarious "Honey, Stay between the tables. 1680 01:12:58,406 --> 01:13:00,807 I can't see you," hilarious I said. hilarious hilarious 1681 hilarious 01:13:00,809 --> 01:13:03,910 hilarious The little one hilarious Walks into view naked. hilarious hilarious 1682 hilarious 01:13:03,912 --> 01:13:08,514 hilarious It's all gone. hilarious All gone. hilarious hilarious 1683 hilarious 01:13:08,516 --> 01:13:10,283 hilarious Walks up, looks at me. hilarious hilarious 1684 hilarious 01:13:19,660 --> 01:13:20,927 hilarious And then she-- hilarious hilarious 1685 hilarious 01:13:20,929 --> 01:13:22,528 hilarious I don't know why, hilarious But she shows me her ass. hilarious hilarious 1686 hilarious 01:13:22,530 --> 01:13:24,297 hilarious It's something hilarious She always does when she's-- hilarious hilarious 1687 hilarious 01:13:24,299 --> 01:13:26,399 hilarious She just goes-- hilarious hilarious 1688 hilarious 01:13:30,371 --> 01:13:32,104 hilarious "Look at it! 1689 01:13:32,106 --> 01:13:34,640 Daddy, You're not looking!" hilarious hilarious 1690 hilarious 01:13:38,412 --> 01:13:42,682 hilarious So i'm sitting there shitting, hilarious Looking at her ass. hilarious hilarious 1691 hilarious 01:13:42,684 --> 01:13:45,518 hilarious [Clears throat] hilarious hilarious 1692 hilarious 01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:49,121 hilarious And i saw something hilarious That i'd never seen before. hilarious hilarious 1693 hilarious 01:13:49,123 --> 01:13:51,157 hilarious And i'm gonna describe it to you hilarious The way that i saw it, hilarious hilarious 1694 hilarious 01:13:51,159 --> 01:13:53,125 hilarious Because it just--i didn't know hilarious What i was looking at. hilarious hilarious 1695 hilarious 01:13:53,127 --> 01:13:54,461 hilarious I'm looking at her little, hilarious White ass. hilarious hilarious 1696 hilarious 01:13:54,463 --> 01:13:57,964 hilarious She's white. Little, perfect, hilarious Little, white ass. hilarious hilarious 1697 hilarious 01:13:57,966 --> 01:13:59,632 hilarious And right in the center of it, hilarious hilarious 1698 hilarious 01:13:59,634 --> 01:14:01,467 hilarious This little black dot hilarious Just--boop! hilarious hilarious 1699 hilarious 01:14:01,469 --> 01:14:03,436 hilarious Appeared like magic. hilarious hilarious 1700 hilarious 01:14:03,438 --> 01:14:04,904 hilarious That's what it hilarious Looked like to me, hilarious hilarious 1701 hilarious 01:14:04,906 --> 01:14:06,071 hilarious Because i've never hilarious Seen shit hilarious hilarious 1702 hilarious 01:14:06,073 --> 01:14:08,541 hilarious Actually coming out hilarious of an ass before. hilarious hilarious 1703 hilarious 01:14:08,543 --> 01:14:11,311 hilarious I never saw that. hilarious hilarious 1704 hilarious 01:14:11,313 --> 01:14:12,445 hilarious I never saw the shit-- hilarious hilarious 1705 hilarious 01:14:12,447 --> 01:14:16,048 hilarious Like, the crowning, hilarious The shit coming out. hilarious hilarious 1706 hilarious 01:14:16,050 --> 01:14:18,050 hilarious And if you ever do see that, hilarious hilarious 1707 hilarious 01:14:18,052 --> 01:14:19,519 hilarious It's fucking bananas, man. hilarious hilarious 1708 hilarious 01:14:19,521 --> 01:14:21,654 hilarious It's weird. hilarious hilarious 1709 hilarious 01:14:21,656 --> 01:14:23,155 hilarious And upsetting. hilarious hilarious 1710 hilarious 01:14:23,157 --> 01:14:26,492 hilarious I yelled. hilarious I went, "aah!" hilarious hilarious 1711 hilarious 01:14:29,596 --> 01:14:31,964 hilarious And a second later, just-- hilarious hilarious 1712 hilarious 01:14:31,966 --> 01:14:35,435 hilarious She just drops hilarious This massive-- hilarious hilarious 1713 hilarious 01:14:35,437 --> 01:14:38,304 hilarious I felt the impact tremor hilarious Under my feet. hilarious hilarious 1714 hilarious 01:14:38,306 --> 01:14:42,675 hilarious This huge pile of shit. hilarious hilarious 1715 hilarious 01:14:42,677 --> 01:14:44,210 hilarious Just a pile. hilarious hilarious 1716 hilarious 01:14:44,212 --> 01:14:47,313 hilarious Like several people's hilarious Pile of shit. hilarious hilarious 1717 hilarious 01:14:47,315 --> 01:14:49,915 hilarious Like a port-a-potty on hilarious The last day of the festival. hilarious hilarious 1718 hilarious 01:14:49,917 --> 01:14:54,420 hilarious Just a huge, hilarious Huge pile of shit. hilarious hilarious 1719 hilarious 01:14:54,422 --> 01:14:56,856 hilarious How? She's three. hilarious hilarious 1720 hilarious 01:14:56,858 --> 01:14:58,658 hilarious This kid shits like a bear. hilarious hilarious 1721 hilarious 01:14:58,660 --> 01:15:02,128 hilarious I don't understand it. hilarious Seriously. hilarious hilarious 1722 hilarious 01:15:02,130 --> 01:15:04,464 hilarious If you were in the woods hilarious And you saw a shit like that, hilarious hilarious 1723 hilarious 01:15:04,466 --> 01:15:06,899 hilarious You'd be like, "let's get hilarious The fuck out of here! hilarious hilarious 1724 hilarious 01:15:06,901 --> 01:15:08,935 hilarious Run!" hilarious hilarious 1725 hilarious 01:15:08,937 --> 01:15:10,803 hilarious Huge pile of shit. hilarious hilarious 1726 hilarious 01:15:10,805 --> 01:15:13,106 hilarious As big as her whole body. hilarious Easily. hilarious hilarious 1727 hilarious 01:15:13,108 --> 01:15:17,143 hilarious I thought she would just crumple hilarious Like a balloon on top of it. hilarious hilarious 1728 hilarious 01:15:17,145 --> 01:15:20,747 hilarious Huh. Weird. hilarious hilarious 1729 hilarious 01:15:20,749 --> 01:15:23,549 hilarious She's standing there just hilarious Straddling this huge shit, hilarious hilarious 1730 hilarious 01:15:23,551 --> 01:15:26,085 hilarious Presenting it, like... hilarious hilarious 1731 hilarious 01:15:32,659 --> 01:15:35,861 hilarious She slips, falls hilarious Right into her own shit. hilarious hilarious 1732 hilarious 01:15:35,863 --> 01:15:37,697 hilarious Yes, fell-- hilarious I was there. hilarious hilarious 1733 hilarious 01:15:37,699 --> 01:15:39,131 hilarious Fell right in the middle hilarious hilarious 1734 hilarious 01:15:39,133 --> 01:15:44,237 hilarious of her own heap of shit. hilarious hilarious 1735 hilarious 01:15:44,239 --> 01:15:45,872 hilarious Her head hit the floor. hilarious hilarious 1736 hilarious 01:15:45,874 --> 01:15:48,040 hilarious You know that sound of your hilarious Kid's head hitting the floor? hilarious hilarious 1737 hilarious 01:15:48,042 --> 01:15:51,644 hilarious [Smacks stool] hilarious "Ooh. Oh, God. 1738 01:15:51,646 --> 01:15:53,146 Uh, she's done." hilarious hilarious 1739 hilarious 01:15:53,148 --> 01:15:56,049 hilarious "That's it for her. She's finished. 1740 01:15:56,051 --> 01:15:58,317 She's gonna be running" hilarious To the mailbox once a day. hilarious hilarious 1741 hilarious 01:15:58,319 --> 01:16:00,219 hilarious That's about it for her." hilarious hilarious 1742 hilarious 01:16:04,658 --> 01:16:06,393 hilarious Now she's laying hilarious In her shit, hilarious hilarious 1743 hilarious 01:16:06,395 --> 01:16:11,030 hilarious Screaming and crying hilarious And making an angel. hilarious hilarious 1744 hilarious 01:16:14,368 --> 01:16:16,669 hilarious I run over. hilarious I'm still shitting, hilarious hilarious 1745 hilarious 01:16:16,671 --> 01:16:19,038 hilarious Holding a hilarious Shit-covered child. hilarious hilarious 1746 hilarious 01:16:19,040 --> 01:16:20,473 hilarious We're the shit family. hilarious hilarious 1747 hilarious 01:16:20,475 --> 01:16:21,975 hilarious That's what we are. hilarious hilarious 1748 hilarious 01:16:21,977 --> 01:16:23,509 hilarious The seven-year-old's hilarious Standing there, hilarious hilarious 1749 hilarious 01:16:23,511 --> 01:16:24,978 hilarious "I got to get The fuck out of here. 1750 01:16:24,980 --> 01:16:26,445 This is horrible." hilarious hilarious 1751 hilarious 01:16:32,086 --> 01:16:33,920 hilarious That's my life right now, hilarious Man. hilarious hilarious 1752 hilarious 01:16:33,922 --> 01:16:37,590 hilarious That's--like, where in there hilarious Do i fit, like, hilarious hilarious 1753 hilarious 01:16:37,592 --> 01:16:39,025 hilarious Getting pussy? hilarious hilarious 1754 hilarious 01:16:39,027 --> 01:16:40,793 hilarious Like, there's no place hilarious For that. hilarious hilarious 1755 hilarious 01:16:40,795 --> 01:16:44,096 hilarious I can't even think about it. hilarious hilarious 1756 hilarious 01:16:44,098 --> 01:16:45,331 hilarious I tried to, like-- hilarious hilarious 1757 hilarious 01:16:45,333 --> 01:16:46,232 hilarious The other day i was, like, hilarious hilarious 1758 hilarious 01:16:46,234 --> 01:16:48,067 hilarious Okay, take a sexual hilarious Inventory here. hilarious hilarious 1759 hilarious 01:16:48,069 --> 01:16:49,902 hilarious What do you got left, hilarious You know? hilarious hilarious 1760 hilarious 01:16:49,904 --> 01:16:51,236 hilarious And i went-- hilarious I took off my clothes, hilarious hilarious 1761 hilarious 01:16:51,238 --> 01:16:52,438 hilarious And i stood in the mirror, hilarious hilarious 1762 hilarious 01:16:52,440 --> 01:16:53,473 hilarious And i looked in the mirror, hilarious hilarious 1763 hilarious 01:16:53,475 --> 01:16:54,874 hilarious Like, a full-length mirror, hilarious Naked. hilarious hilarious 1764 hilarious 01:16:54,876 --> 01:16:56,109 hilarious I'll never do that again. hilarious hilarious 1765 hilarious 01:16:56,111 --> 01:16:57,510 hilarious I don't need-- hilarious I don't need to do it. hilarious hilarious 1766 hilarious 01:16:57,512 --> 01:16:59,045 hilarious I can go my whole life hilarious Without doing it again. hilarious hilarious 1767 hilarious 01:16:59,047 --> 01:17:00,179 hilarious I'm going to. hilarious hilarious 1768 hilarious 01:17:00,181 --> 01:17:02,482 hilarious I'm not in good shape. hilarious hilarious 1769 hilarious 01:17:02,484 --> 01:17:03,916 hilarious I'm not in the worst shape. hilarious hilarious 1770 hilarious 01:17:03,918 --> 01:17:05,018 hilarious I mean, hilarious I went to a doctor, hilarious hilarious 1771 hilarious 01:17:05,020 --> 01:17:06,685 hilarious And he gave me the whole hilarious 41-year-old thing. hilarious hilarious 1772 hilarious 01:17:06,687 --> 01:17:08,454 hilarious He's like, "all right, well, hilarious Your cholesterol is high, hilarious hilarious 1773 hilarious 01:17:08,456 --> 01:17:11,090 hilarious "But i don't expect you To do anything about that. 1774 01:17:11,092 --> 01:17:13,259 And your prostate's" hilarious A little bit too big. hilarious hilarious 1775 hilarious 01:17:13,261 --> 01:17:16,029 hilarious "Let's go ahead and let it Be a little too big. 1776 01:17:16,031 --> 01:17:18,931 And you're only Cosmetically overweight." hilarious hilarious 1777 hilarious 01:17:18,933 --> 01:17:20,366 hilarious I was like, "what?" hilarious hilarious 1778 hilarious 01:17:20,368 --> 01:17:22,068 hilarious He goes, hilarious "Your overweightness, 1779 01:17:22,070 --> 01:17:23,903 It's not a medical issue." hilarious hilarious 1780 hilarious 01:17:23,905 --> 01:17:27,873 hilarious I'm like, "well, so then you hilarious didn't have to say anything. hilarious hilarious 1781 hilarious 01:17:27,875 --> 01:17:30,043 hilarious Why--why did you even hilarious bring it up?" hilarious hilarious 1782 hilarious 01:17:30,045 --> 01:17:31,844 hilarious You're just saying, like, hilarious "Well, medically speaking, 1783 01:17:31,846 --> 01:17:34,380 You don't have a weight problem, but you look gross." hilarious hilarious 1784 hilarious 01:17:34,382 --> 01:17:36,315 hilarious That's what he's saying. hilarious hilarious 1785 hilarious 01:17:38,218 --> 01:17:39,218 hilarious I'm looking at myself, hilarious hilarious 1786 hilarious 01:17:39,220 --> 01:17:40,420 hilarious And here's the problem, hilarious hilarious 1787 hilarious 01:17:40,422 --> 01:17:42,522 hilarious Is that i didn't even hilarious wear down evenly. hilarious hilarious 1788 hilarious 01:17:42,524 --> 01:17:44,657 hilarious Like, different parts hilarious of my body hilarious hilarious 1789 hilarious 01:17:44,659 --> 01:17:46,025 hilarious Are older than others. hilarious hilarious 1790 hilarious 01:17:46,027 --> 01:17:49,295 hilarious Like, my dick and balls hilarious Don't even match each other. hilarious hilarious 1791 hilarious 01:17:49,297 --> 01:17:51,364 hilarious Like, my balls hilarious Are older than me. hilarious hilarious 1792 hilarious 01:17:51,366 --> 01:17:52,798 hilarious They're, like, the old-- hilarious I swear to God. hilarious hilarious 1793 hilarious 01:17:52,800 --> 01:17:56,068 hilarious I'm 41. hilarious My balls are, like, 72. hilarious hilarious 1794 hilarious 01:17:56,070 --> 01:17:59,104 hilarious They're really old, and they hilarious Just kind of hang there. hilarious hilarious 1795 hilarious 01:18:04,344 --> 01:18:05,945 hilarious They're just hanging, like... hilarious hilarious 1796 hilarious 01:18:05,947 --> 01:18:08,447 hilarious They look like they're being hilarious Rescued by a helicopter hilarious hilarious 1797 hilarious 01:18:08,449 --> 01:18:09,682 hilarious From a mountain. hilarious hilarious 1798 hilarious 01:18:09,684 --> 01:18:14,253 hilarious [Imitates helicopter] hilarious hilarious 1799 hilarious 01:18:14,255 --> 01:18:16,656 hilarious They've been trapped hilarious On a mountain together. hilarious hilarious 1800 hilarious 01:18:16,658 --> 01:18:18,658 hilarious Zipped together hilarious In a sleeping bag. hilarious hilarious 1801 hilarious 01:18:18,660 --> 01:18:21,027 hilarious [Shuddering] hilarious hilarious 1802 hilarious 01:18:21,029 --> 01:18:23,095 hilarious "If we ever get out of this, 1803 01:18:23,097 --> 01:18:27,332 I'll never call you lefty again. I'm sorry." hilarious hilarious 1804 hilarious 01:18:27,334 --> 01:18:29,102 hilarious And then my dick is, like, hilarious hilarious 1805 hilarious 01:18:29,104 --> 01:18:32,638 hilarious Happy and shiny hilarious And young-looking. hilarious hilarious 1806 hilarious 01:18:32,640 --> 01:18:34,774 hilarious My penis is, like, a young, hilarious 21-year-old guy hilarious hilarious 1807 hilarious 01:18:34,776 --> 01:18:36,709 hilarious Walking down with these hilarious Two old guys following him. hilarious hilarious 1808 hilarious 01:18:36,711 --> 01:18:38,144 hilarious Hey, man, hang back. hilarious hilarious 1809 hilarious 01:18:38,146 --> 01:18:40,012 hilarious I'm trying to get some pussy. hilarious Get out of here. hilarious hilarious 1810 hilarious 01:18:40,014 --> 01:18:44,117 hilarious [Elderly voice] hilarious Wait for us. hilarious hilarious 1811 hilarious 01:18:44,119 --> 01:18:45,952 hilarious And at some point, hilarious I got to show this shit hilarious hilarious 1812 hilarious 01:18:45,954 --> 01:18:47,353 hilarious To some poor, hilarious Unfortunate woman hilarious hilarious 1813 hilarious 01:18:47,355 --> 01:18:49,922 hilarious That has to see this hilarious Fucked up package of mine. hilarious hilarious 1814 hilarious 01:18:49,924 --> 01:18:50,990 hilarious I don't know what-- hilarious hilarious 1815 hilarious 01:18:50,992 --> 01:18:52,591 hilarious Like, i'll tuck my balls hilarious Between my legs. hilarious hilarious 1816 hilarious 01:18:52,593 --> 01:18:54,127 hilarious "I don't have balls. I just have a penis. 1817 01:18:54,129 --> 01:18:57,163 Is that okay?" hilarious hilarious 1818 hilarious 01:18:57,165 --> 01:18:58,831 hilarious That must be weird for women, hilarious hilarious 1819 hilarious 01:18:58,833 --> 01:19:01,801 hilarious That you don't know what kind of hilarious Dick and balls you're gonna get hilarious hilarious 1820 hilarious 01:19:01,803 --> 01:19:05,104 hilarious Until it's way too late. hilarious hilarious 1821 hilarious 01:19:05,106 --> 01:19:07,539 hilarious Like, it's the last hilarious Thing you see. hilarious hilarious 1822 hilarious 01:19:07,541 --> 01:19:09,075 hilarious And it doesn't seem fair. hilarious hilarious 1823 hilarious 01:19:09,077 --> 01:19:10,376 hilarious It should be the first hilarious Thing you see. hilarious hilarious 1824 hilarious 01:19:10,378 --> 01:19:12,078 hilarious Every date should start hilarious With a guy taking out-- hilarious hilarious 1825 hilarious 01:19:12,080 --> 01:19:13,512 hilarious Is this gonna be okay? hilarious hilarious 1826 hilarious 01:19:13,514 --> 01:19:15,447 hilarious "Yeah, that's fine. It's gonna be worth my time. 1827 01:19:15,449 --> 01:19:18,184 Go ahead and put it away. We'll deal with it later." hilarious hilarious 1828 hilarious 01:19:18,186 --> 01:19:19,786 hilarious 'Cause you don't-- hilarious hilarious 1829 hilarious 01:19:19,788 --> 01:19:22,188 hilarious You don't find out till you're hilarious Looking down the barrel of it, hilarious hilarious 1830 hilarious 01:19:22,190 --> 01:19:24,223 hilarious And it's really too late now. hilarious hilarious 1831 hilarious 01:19:24,225 --> 01:19:27,226 hilarious Like, "oh, Jesus." hilarious hilarious 1832 hilarious 01:19:27,228 --> 01:19:28,594 hilarious And the dick's hilarious Looking up at you, hilarious hilarious 1833 hilarious 01:19:28,596 --> 01:19:29,662 hilarious And it's all... hilarious hilarious 1834 hilarious 01:19:29,664 --> 01:19:31,764 hilarious Like, "this is, hilarious Like, a Dr. Seuss tree. hilarious hilarious 1835 hilarious 01:19:31,766 --> 01:19:35,000 hilarious "I don't even-- It's all yellowy brown 1836 01:19:35,002 --> 01:19:39,706 With sprigs coming out." hilarious hilarious 1837 hilarious 01:19:39,708 --> 01:19:41,073 hilarious And women are so nice. hilarious hilarious 1838 hilarious 01:19:41,075 --> 01:19:42,541 hilarious I don't know a single story hilarious hilarious 1839 hilarious 01:19:42,543 --> 01:19:44,510 hilarious of a woman who finally gets hilarious A guy's dick out and goes, hilarious hilarious 1840 hilarious 01:19:44,512 --> 01:19:46,245 hilarious "No. That--no. 1841 01:19:46,247 --> 01:19:48,747 That's not your dick." hilarious Come on! hilarious hilarious 1842 hilarious 01:19:48,749 --> 01:19:49,916 hilarious "Take out your penis. 1843 01:19:49,918 --> 01:19:50,917 That's not a penis." hilarious hilarious 1844 hilarious 01:19:50,919 --> 01:19:53,352 hilarious That's bullshit." hilarious hilarious 1845 hilarious 01:19:53,354 --> 01:19:57,757 hilarious They just go, "okay. hilarious Oh, fuck. hilarious hilarious 1846 hilarious 01:19:57,759 --> 01:20:00,893 hilarious What hole can i put this in hilarious That'll depress me the least?" hilarious hilarious 1847 hilarious 01:20:08,736 --> 01:20:10,135 hilarious And i have-- hilarious I have met some women hilarious hilarious 1848 hilarious 01:20:10,137 --> 01:20:11,237 hilarious Since i been single, hilarious hilarious 1849 hilarious 01:20:11,239 --> 01:20:12,571 hilarious And they've been younger, hilarious Mostly, hilarious hilarious 1850 hilarious 01:20:12,573 --> 01:20:13,973 hilarious Because women my age-- hilarious hilarious 1851 hilarious 01:20:13,975 --> 01:20:15,441 hilarious I like women my age, hilarious hilarious 1852 hilarious 01:20:15,443 --> 01:20:17,309 hilarious But they're mostly either hilarious Married with children hilarious hilarious 1853 hilarious 01:20:17,311 --> 01:20:18,978 hilarious Or in a room alone, hilarious Angry and crazy. hilarious hilarious 1854 hilarious 01:20:18,980 --> 01:20:20,479 hilarious One or the other. hilarious hilarious 1855 hilarious 01:20:20,481 --> 01:20:23,482 hilarious They're not out looking hilarious To fuck a comic, generally. hilarious hilarious 1856 hilarious 01:20:23,484 --> 01:20:25,684 hilarious But young women hilarious Are up for something. hilarious hilarious 1857 hilarious 01:20:25,686 --> 01:20:27,753 hilarious They'll fuck you and do hilarious Other things later. hilarious hilarious 1858 hilarious 01:20:27,755 --> 01:20:29,088 hilarious Like... hilarious hilarious 1859 hilarious 01:20:29,090 --> 01:20:30,856 hilarious And also, hilarious With younger women, hilarious hilarious 1860 hilarious 01:20:30,858 --> 01:20:32,759 hilarious I'm in competition hilarious With younger guys, hilarious hilarious 1861 hilarious 01:20:32,761 --> 01:20:34,660 hilarious And younger guys hilarious Are not very subtle. hilarious hilarious 1862 hilarious 01:20:34,662 --> 01:20:36,528 hilarious They don't really know hilarious How to talk to a woman hilarious hilarious 1863 hilarious 01:20:36,530 --> 01:20:37,496 hilarious Even their own age. hilarious hilarious 1864 hilarious 01:20:37,498 --> 01:20:38,898 hilarious They're just kind of all-- hilarious hilarious 1865 hilarious 01:20:38,900 --> 01:20:40,966 hilarious Like, penis skin's been grafted hilarious On their whole body. hilarious hilarious 1866 hilarious 01:20:40,968 --> 01:20:42,768 hilarious They're just-- hilarious [Mutters] hilarious hilarious 1867 hilarious 01:20:42,770 --> 01:20:44,703 hilarious "Can i--is this... 1868 01:20:44,705 --> 01:20:47,807 Is this is a fuck date?" hilarious 'Cause i... hilarious hilarious 1869 hilarious 01:20:47,809 --> 01:20:51,243 hilarious I just want to put my come hilarious In your body." hilarious hilarious 1870 hilarious 01:20:51,245 --> 01:20:52,845 hilarious It's just a lot of pressure. hilarious hilarious 1871 hilarious 01:20:52,847 --> 01:20:54,146 hilarious And then the young woman hilarious Meets me, hilarious hilarious 1872 hilarious 01:20:54,148 --> 01:20:55,580 hilarious And i'm like, "hey, look, hilarious hilarious 1873 hilarious 01:20:55,582 --> 01:20:58,117 hilarious "I've been jerking off in The guest room for 15 years. 1874 01:20:58,119 --> 01:20:59,551 I'm like the man" hilarious In the iron mask. hilarious hilarious 1875 hilarious 01:20:59,553 --> 01:21:01,987 hilarious I'm just happy to be out." hilarious hilarious 1876 hilarious 01:21:04,557 --> 01:21:06,659 hilarious Young guys are-- hilarious They're afraid of women. hilarious hilarious 1877 hilarious 01:21:06,661 --> 01:21:08,560 hilarious They're afraid hilarious of their feelings. hilarious hilarious 1878 hilarious 01:21:08,562 --> 01:21:10,362 hilarious My girlfriend's mad at me! hilarious hilarious 1879 hilarious 01:21:10,364 --> 01:21:12,198 hilarious Well, later she won't be. hilarious hilarious 1880 hilarious 01:21:12,200 --> 01:21:15,000 hilarious Fucking calm down. hilarious hilarious 1881 hilarious 01:21:15,002 --> 01:21:16,401 hilarious They're afraid hilarious of their bodies. hilarious hilarious 1882 hilarious 01:21:16,403 --> 01:21:17,803 hilarious They're afraid hilarious of women's bodies. hilarious hilarious 1883 hilarious 01:21:17,805 --> 01:21:19,805 hilarious "My girlfriend's having Her period. What do i do?" hilarious hilarious 1884 hilarious 01:21:19,807 --> 01:21:21,607 hilarious Fuck her in the period hole, hilarious You idiot. hilarious hilarious 1885 hilarious 01:21:21,609 --> 01:21:23,809 hilarious What is--what's the dilemma? hilarious hilarious 1886 hilarious 01:21:23,811 --> 01:21:25,244 hilarious I don't give a shit. hilarious hilarious 1887 hilarious 01:21:25,246 --> 01:21:27,446 hilarious If you're having your period, hilarious Come on over. hilarious hilarious 1888 hilarious 01:21:27,448 --> 01:21:30,149 hilarious I'm 41. I'm--i'll fuck hilarious The shit out of you. hilarious hilarious 1889 hilarious 01:21:30,151 --> 01:21:32,351 hilarious I'll drink the blood. hilarious Let's party. hilarious hilarious 1890 hilarious 01:21:36,456 --> 01:21:37,956 hilarious Thank you very much, guys. hilarious hilarious 1891 hilarious 01:21:37,958 --> 01:21:39,925 hilarious You guys--you were great. hilarious hilarious 1892 hilarious 01:21:39,927 --> 01:21:42,494 hilarious Thank you. hilarious hilarious 1893 hilarious 01:21:42,496 --> 01:21:47,767 hilarious [Cheers and applause] 1 chewed up 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:53,000 chewed up Hello, alright... thank you, alright faggot how you doin' chewed up chewed up 2 chewed up 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,700 chewed up Sorry, I called him a faggot. chewed up chewed up 3 chewed up 00:00:54,800 --> 00:01:02,500 chewed up I miss that word, k'now, I grew up saying that word and, chewed up I mean, it never ment gay. chewed up chewed up 4 chewed up 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:10,100 chewed up When I was a kid, I didn't even know what gay was, chewed up I hadn't been told that people do that, I had no fucking idea. chewed up chewed up 5 chewed up 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:16,900 chewed up Faggot didn't mean gay. When I was a kid, you called chewed up someone a faggot because they were being a faggot, y'know. chewed up chewed up 6 chewed up 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,700 chewed up Someone's just being a faggot. "Neee," Shut up faggot. chewed up chewed up 7 chewed up 00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:28,100 chewed up You're not supposed to use those for that. chewed up Shut up faggot. chewed up chewed up 8 chewed up 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:36,000 chewed up I would never call a gay guy a faggot, unless he was being a faggot. But not because he's gay, do you understand? chewed up chewed up 9 chewed up 00:01:36,100 --> 00:01:42,800 chewed up If I saw two guys blowing each other, I don't know why chewed up I'm watching them do it, but if I just happened to. chewed up chewed up 10 chewed up 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:54,300 chewed up I stumble upon a couple of fellas blowing one another on chewed up their respective "penisia" chewed up chewed up 11 chewed up 00:01:56,500 --> 00:02:02,700 chewed up That's plural for penis that I invented today... "penisia" chewed up chewed up 12 chewed up 00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:10,400 chewed up I would be respectful to them, y'know, "Hello gentlemen." chewed up chewed up 13 chewed up 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:20,900 chewed up But if one of them took the dick out of his mouth and chewed up started acting all faggy and saying annoying faggy things. chewed up chewed up 14 chewed up 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,600 chewed up You know people from Phoenix are Phoenisians or chewed up something like that. chewed up chewed up 15 chewed up 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:37,900 chewed up I'd be like "hey shut up faggot, FAAAAGGGOOT" chewed up chewed up 16 chewed up 00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:45,000 chewed up Quit being a faggot and suck that dick, chewed up that's what I would say to them. chewed up chewed up 17 chewed up 00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:57,800 chewed up I don't know, I wouldn't call someone a mean name for sucking a dick, because if you suck a dick, that's awesome, I respect you. chewed up chewed up 18 chewed up 00:02:57,900 --> 00:03:07,900 chewed up Because I can't do it, I mean I haven't tried and failed, I just, chewed up I put myself there in my mind and I couldn't do it because chewed up I'm afraid, that's the only reason chewed up chewed up 19 chewed up 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:15,400 chewed up That's why, if you can suck a dick I think that there's chewed up a strength in being able to do that, I believe that. chewed up chewed up 20 chewed up 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:24,400 chewed up I don't believe that blowing somebody comes easily to anybody, chewed up even if it's something you generally do, every new dick chewed up must take somethin' outta you. chewed up chewed up 21 chewed up 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:34,400 chewed up There must be something you gotta do to get yourself ready, chewed up y'know, "[clears throat] okay, here we go" chewed up chewed up 22 chewed up 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:45,300 chewed up [exhales] "ahaha, you.. I'm gonna suck ya" chewed up chewed up 23 chewed up 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:53,600 chewed up muahaha oookay, HERE WE GO! chewed up chewed up 24 chewed up 00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:59,900 chewed up So, faggot, I don't know. chewed up chewed up 25 chewed up 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:08,000 chewed up A lot of words that are not bad words, but some people start chewed up using them a lot to hurt other people and then they become chewed up bad and become hard to use. chewed up chewed up 26 chewed up 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:11,500 chewed up There's words that I love that I can't use because other chewed up people use them wrong to hurt other people. chewed up chewed up 27 chewed up 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:22,000 chewed up Like the word cunt is a beautiful word, to me there's just chewed up beauty in that word, and I mean like asthetically it's chocolate-y chewed up and round on the ends. chewed up chewed up 28 chewed up 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:32,100 chewed up I just... cunt, I just like the way it sounds. I don't use chewed up it as an insult, I'll be alone in the laundry like "cunt, cunt" I chewed up just like saying it chewed up chewed up 29 chewed up 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:41,100 chewed up I would never call a woman a cunt, except for my mom chewed up because she likes it for some weird reason, but.. chewed up chewed up 30 chewed up 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:50,000 chewed up it's a very misused word, it's supposed to mean vagina, which chewed up I don't think works at all because vagina's are so sweet chewed up chewed up 31 chewed up 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:59,100 chewed up they're little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear chewed up a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina. chewed up chewed up 32 chewed up 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:10,600 chewed up Even for vaginas that's too harsh, chewed up they should be called like "fala-lala" chewed up chewed up 33 chewed up 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:19,400 chewed up There should be a butterfly fluttering around every vagina chewed up just all the time, a little butterfly. chewed up chewed up 34 chewed up 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:25,100 chewed up You go to the doctor and he's like "Well the butterfly looks good chewed up so we're in good shape" chewed up chewed up 35 chewed up 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:33,900 chewed up How do you look at something that pretty and say chewed up That's a CUNT that doesn't fit at all. chewed up chewed up 36 chewed up 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:42,800 chewed up Maybe if it was a giant vagina and it was attacking a town and throwing buses around and knocking over telephone poles chewed up chewed up 37 chewed up 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:48,000 chewed up Then you can say "Hey, somebody shoot that cunt with a bazooka!" chewed up chewed up 38 chewed up 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,500 chewed up It's gonna step on the candy store! chewed up chewed up 39 chewed up 00:05:53,400 --> 00:06:02,400 chewed up So, faggot, cunt. Everybody has different words that offend them. Different things that they hear and get offended by. chewed up chewed up 40 chewed up 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:06,500 chewed up To me, the thing that offends me the most is when I hear someone say "the N-word" chewed up chewed up 41 chewed up 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:19,300 chewed up not nigger by the way, I mean "the N-word," literally whenever a white lady on CNN says "the N-word" that's just white people getting away with saying nigger. chewed up chewed up 42 chewed up 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:32,400 chewed up They found a way to say nigger, "N-word", it's bullshit because when you say "the N-word" you're putting nigger in the listener's head. That's what saying a word is. chewed up chewed up 43 chewed up 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:43,400 chewed up You say "the N-word" and I go "Oh, she means nigger," you're making ME say it in my head. Why don't YOU fucking say it instead and take responsibility. chewed up chewed up 44 chewed up 00:06:43,500 --> 00:07:01,300 chewed up With the shitty words you wanna say, just say it, don't hide behind chewed up the first letter like a faggot. Just say nigger you stupid cunt. chewed up chewed up 45 chewed up 00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:08,200 chewed up I don't know, I don't care. chewed up chewed up 46 chewed up 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:18,800 chewed up Somebody'll kick my ass, I mean all this shit goes on in my head, I don't really... I thought the word nigger the other day, it wasn't even racist. chewed up chewed up 47 chewed up 00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:26,000 chewed up Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don't like starbucks anymore because they don't care anymore. chewed up chewed up 48 chewed up 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:31,800 chewed up They just press a button and some old lady's diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you. chewed up chewed up 49 chewed up 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:40,600 chewed up So I go to a young people's cool coffee place with all the band's playing notice on the walls, it's called like "The Howling Dew" or something. chewed up chewed up 50 chewed up 00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:46,500 chewed up The dude behind the counter has like a tight t-shirt and a pony tail and he's like "hey what's up man" chewed up chewed up 51 chewed up 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:54,100 chewed up And I was like "Hey can I get a cappuccino?" and he's like "Yeah, right on, totally," like he's amazed that he can help me. chewed up chewed up 52 chewed up 00:07:54,200 --> 00:08:00,100 chewed up Oh yeah, I got all the stuff right here, this is awesome! chewed up chewed up 53 chewed up 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:11,100 chewed up And so he starts making my coffee, he worked so hard. He grounded the beans just for that one cup and put them in the thing and tamped them with this old thing chewed up chewed up 54 chewed up 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:23,900 chewed up [click clakity click] and he took the milk and he frothed it like for an hour and he banged it on the counter and I don't know why but it was awesome, he scooped it in and put a little cocoa on it. chewed up chewed up 55 chewed up 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:33,900 chewed up and he's like "Here ya go man," and I was just blown away and for some reason as I left there, the thought in my head was "That nigger made the shit outta my coffee" chewed up chewed up 56 chewed up 00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:44,200 chewed up I don't know why, he wasn't black, that was just what was in my heart for some reason was "that nigger made the shit outta my coffee" chewed up chewed up 57 chewed up 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:53,600 chewed up I don't know, I don't care chewed up chewed up 58 chewed up 00:08:53,700 --> 00:09:03,400 chewed up I'm all sweaty, I don't feel good. I ate too much and masturbated too recently, y'know that kinda.. chewed up chewed up 59 chewed up 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:13,100 chewed up y'know it's bad to like jerk off and run out the door 'cause you run into somebody like "uggh, she knows," you gotta like take some time along to process the shame. chewed up chewed up 60 chewed up 00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:32,100 chewed up I just can't stop eating, today I weighed myself, I don't know why, I'm not using the information, it's not guiding my behaviour why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am. chewed up chewed up 61 chewed up 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:44,200 chewed up I weighed myself and I usually hover around 230... chewed up 240 today, I weight 240 pounds, which is not okay. chewed up chewed up 62 chewed up 00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:54,099 chewed up You know like when you go to the doctor they give you like a formula for how much you should weigh? I'm pretty sure it's not your age plus 200 pounds. chewed up chewed up 63 chewed up 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,000 chewed up That doesn't seem like.. chewed up chewed up 64 chewed up 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,800 chewed up Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each. chewed up chewed up 65 chewed up 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:11,500 chewed up So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me. chewed up chewed up 66 chewed up 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:26,000 chewed up And it's really bad 'cause I'm 40, and my doctor's like, "Yeah, you gotta be less people... you can't be so much... He just told me, "This is bad." chewed up chewed up 67 chewed up 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:30,400 chewed up And he starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, like there's a pattern. chewed up chewed up 68 chewed up 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:38,700 chewed up It's just chaos, and awfulness. It's just depesperate, constant... He's like, "How many meals and how many bowel movements a day?" chewed up chewed up 69 chewed up 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:44,900 chewed up I'm like, I have no idea, I have no idea. It's just a blur, I'm just shittin' and eatin' all day. chewed up chewed up 70 chewed up 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:54,800 chewed up I fill, pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole, that's it. chewed up chewed up 71 chewed up 00:10:54,800 --> 00:11:06,000 chewed up Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea? Of my eating habits? chewed up chewed up 72 chewed up 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:14,300 chewed up And he's trying to get a handle on my... He's like, "Dude, okay look, how long, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?" chewed up chewed up 73 chewed up 00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:26,899 chewed up I'm like, "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I, that's when I stop." chewed up chewed up 74 chewed up 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:35,900 chewed up I guess normal people eat 'til they're like, "Oh, that's, I guess that's all the nutrition I require, right there, I just reached it. chewed up chewed up 75 chewed up 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:45,100 chewed up I will cease the intake now... and convert this into useful energy throughout the day." chewed up chewed up 76 chewed up 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:55,700 chewed up No. Every time I eat it ends with me, "Why the fuck did I eat that? Dude, get it away, I don't wanna look at that shit, that's uggghh.... chewed up chewed up 77 chewed up 00:11:55,700 --> 00:12:04,800 chewed up It's all right here too, it's like ucckkhhh. [exhales] chewed up chewed up 78 chewed up 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:16,100 chewed up I got syrup in my veins, like for blood, I got syrup. It's gonna be bad later, ugggh." I can't take care of myself. chewed up chewed up 79 chewed up 00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:27,900 chewed up And I'm always, just uncomfortable. Just sweaty, and just... like, this is, such a bummer. Like... it's my nightmare, it's my whole life. chewed up chewed up 80 chewed up 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:35,300 chewed up Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I'm so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, chewed up chewed up 81 chewed up 00:12:35,300 --> 00:12:42,399 chewed up but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers. chewed up chewed up 82 chewed up 00:12:42,399 --> 00:12:48,100 chewed up Briefs, briefs are for a normal man with one leg here and one leg here. Two chewed up chewed up 83 chewed up 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:56,400 chewed up totally separate legs, with a whole area between, and the briefs go up into this little valley, this little area, chewed up chewed up 84 chewed up 00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:04,200 chewed up and they come down like this, and they can just tuck up in there and just hold them nicely because he's chewed up chewed up 85 chewed up 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:12,400 chewed up got all that air and negative space. But this is just, all just mashed together, just upsetting, sting-y, chewed up chewed up 86 chewed up 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:23,900 chewed up red, sweaty, just like... This looks like a pig's ass when I'm naked. Like even my dick is curly like the chewed up chewed up 87 chewed up 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:33,900 chewed up tail... This is a pig's ass. And I pull briefs on and they're just go "Grrrrrrunhhh!" and they just grab chewed up chewed up 88 chewed up 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:41,300 chewed up my dick and balls, "Here's your balls, you fat bastard, you like that?!" And they just dig up in there chewed up chewed up 89 chewed up 00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:50,400 chewed up with this viciously sharp cotton, and "Owwww!" And after a while I have just this wad of just damp cloth, chewed up chewed up 90 chewed up 00:13:50,400 --> 00:14:04,000 chewed up just a wad of wet cotton, just like the size of a tennis ball, like a huge wad of wet cotton. And boxers were chewed up chewed up 91 chewed up 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:12,500 chewed up worse because they're, just they just let everything flap around, and touch each other, and upset each other... I need everything to be segregated down here. chewed up chewed up 92 chewed up 00:19:54,500 --> 00:20:02,500 chewed up I went 'cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he's like chewed up chewed up 93 chewed up 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:09,000 chewed up Yeah your ankle is just worn out chewed up chewed up 94 chewed up 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:15,500 chewed up I was like "What do you mean, I injured my ankle?" and he's like "No, it's just shitty now." chewed up chewed up 95 chewed up 00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:25,600 chewed up You see that dark area? Bleck, it's all hardened... they get like that and they're not good anymore. chewed up chewed up 96 chewed up 00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:36,500 chewed up I was like "Well goodbye? There's nothing? There's no option, it's just incurable shitty ankle? That's it?" chewed up chewed up 97 chewed up 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:43,000 chewed up And he goes, "Well, there's things you can do... you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle" chewed up chewed up 98 chewed up 00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:58,100 chewed up I was like, "How long will that take to fix it?" and he's like "No, you just do that now, that's just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die." chewed up chewed up 99 chewed up 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:15,800 chewed up I was like, "Dude this hurts a lot" and he goes, "Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn't matter don't pay attention to the dosage" chewed up chewed up 100 chewed up 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:23,000 chewed up I'm like "really?" and he goes "Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you'd be fine," he say take 10 Aleve a day.. chewed up chewed up 101 chewed up 00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:34,900 chewed up I said, "Doesn't that stuff like hurt your intestines?" he goes, "Oh yeah, it'll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting." chewed up chewed up 102 chewed up 00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:47,400 chewed up This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like "What if I was like an athlete or something?" he goes, "You're not an athlete.." chewed up chewed up 103 chewed up 00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:53,100 chewed up So no to whatever else you were about to say chewed up chewed up 104 chewed up 00:21:54,700 --> 00:22:04,000 chewed up It's bleak. It's harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can't see out of her left eye, it just shut off... chewed up chewed up 105 chewed up 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:12,500 chewed up The last time we went to see her she's like "I can't see out of my left eye" and we're all like, "Uggh, hey what was chistmas like in the '40s?" chewed up chewed up 106 chewed up 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:16,400 chewed up Maybe that'd run out the clock on the eye thing if we're luck, y'know? chewed up chewed up 107 chewed up 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:24,000 chewed up So I go to her doctor, he's always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say "She can't see out of her left eye at all." chewed up chewed up 108 chewed up 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,800 chewed up And I swear to god he goes, "Well she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her head." chewed up chewed up 109 chewed up 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:44,000 chewed up I swear to god, that's exactly what he said... I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this paticular diagnosis. chewed up chewed up 110 chewed up 00:22:44,000 --> 00:23:00,000 chewed up He said that she's PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He's a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said "fucking head" I swear to god. chewed up chewed up 111 chewed up 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:12,500 chewed up Like that's what he was thinking, "she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old cunt will be dead in a week, I ain't gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye" chewed up chewed up 112 chewed up 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:18,000 chewed up What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don't love her enough chewed up chewed up 113 chewed up 00:23:22,300 --> 00:23:30,300 chewed up I ain't there yet, I'm halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either. chewed up chewed up 114 chewed up 00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:37,300 chewed up I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young. chewed up chewed up 115 chewed up 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:54,000 chewed up And it's not okay, he brings them around and you're like "Dude.. don't" like I literally pointed at her face and said "Don't fuck her, that's awful" because it's just bad, y'know? chewed up chewed up 116 chewed up 00:23:53,700 --> 00:24:04,000 chewed up But so he was going to hav esex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said "I'm gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex" chewed up chewed up 117 chewed up 00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:14,000 chewed up I was like, "Who told you that that mattered?" and he goes, "Well you can cum more if you drink milk" chewed up chewed up 118 chewed up 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:25,100 chewed up This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, "Oh dude that's perfect! Just send that right through" chewed up chewed up 119 chewed up 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:29,800 chewed up Nobody will know the difference, just send it through chewed up chewed up 120 chewed up 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:39,600 chewed up You run outta cum and milk it doesn't matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat's face, whatever he was doing... chewed up chewed up 121 chewed up 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:48,200 chewed up What? I'll cum on my cat's face. chewed up chewed up 122 chewed up 00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:56,100 chewed up If she's watching, she's gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It's her fault now. chewed up chewed up 123 chewed up 00:24:57,100 --> 00:25:00,700 chewed up Cum on my cat's face once, shame on me... chewed up chewed up 124 chewed up 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:17,000 chewed up ...I don't have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat's face I'm not trying to take that back, I just don't happen to have a cat. chewed up chewed up 125 chewed up 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:33,000 chewed up I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and... yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls. chewed up chewed up 126 chewed up 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:40,500 chewed up Which is something you know can't un-know. You just know it. I did this. chewed up chewed up 127 chewed up 00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:52,100 chewed up And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn't sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him... chewed up chewed up 128 chewed up 00:25:54,000 --> 00:26:02,700 chewed up And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn't refuse I think that's probably the fairest way to put it. chewed up chewed up 129 chewed up 00:26:06,100 --> 00:26:14,100 chewed up I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog's face, he was like "aww fuck, dude what's wrong with you?" chewed up chewed up 130 chewed up 00:26:15,100 --> 00:26:22,500 chewed up Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls? chewed up chewed up 131 chewed up 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:33,100 chewed up Alright fine, let's do it, I'm doing it I don't care, look you gotta live with it 'cause I'll be dead in like 2 years I'm a dog, this is your problem. chewed up chewed up 132 chewed up 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:51,000 chewed up Sorry I'm being so negative... I'm a bummer, I don't know, I shouldn't be, I'm a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I'm healthy, I'm relatively young. I'm white which thank god for that shit. chewed up chewed up 133 chewed up 00:26:51,000 --> 00:27:02,100 chewed up That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin' me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you're not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good. chewed up chewed up 134 chewed up 00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:11,400 chewed up Let me be clear by the way, I'm not saying white people are better. I'm saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue? chewed up chewed up 135 chewed up 00:27:13,500 --> 00:27:21,100 chewed up If it was an option, I would re-up every year. "Oh I'll take white again, I'm absolutely enjoying it, I'll stick with white thank you." chewed up chewed up 136 chewed up 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:31,000 chewed up Here's how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there chewed up chewed up 137 chewed up 00:27:35,700 --> 00:27:46,800 chewed up That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can't fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like "Hey anything before 1980 no thank you" chewed up chewed up 138 chewed up 00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:57,500 chewed up But I can go to any time, the year 2, I don't even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, "Welcome we have a table right here for you sir." chewed up chewed up 139 chewed up 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:03,000 chewed up Thank you, it's lovely here in the year 2. chewed up chewed up 140 chewed up 00:28:03,900 --> 00:28:13,200 chewed up I can go to any time. In the past, I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we're gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that. chewed up chewed up 141 chewed up 00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:25,300 chewed up We're not gonna just fall from number 1 to 2. They're gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now "weeeeee" chewed up chewed up 142 chewed up 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:34,000 chewed up Now if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole chewed up chewed up 143 chewed up 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:44,000 chewed up It is great, and I'm a man. How many advantages can one person have I'm a white man, you can't even hurt my feelings. chewed up chewed up 144 chewed up 00:28:45,000 --> 00:29:10,800 chewed up What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? "Hey cracker!" "Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn't have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag." chewed up chewed up 145 chewed up 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,500 chewed up I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs. chewed up chewed up 146 chewed up 00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:28,000 chewed up The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house... chewed up chewed up 147 chewed up 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:43,900 chewed up So I'm driving to Walgreens, it was nightime and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they're everywhere up there. chewed up chewed up 148 chewed up 00:29:43,900 --> 00:29:50,900 chewed up I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I'd see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country chewed up chewed up 149 chewed up 00:29:51,000 --> 00:30:01,000 chewed up and you see a deer and everybody is like, "Turn off the car, don't scare it, it's just so beautiful, look at the beautiful deer, look how he looks around it's just so mysterious and beautiful. chewed up chewed up 150 chewed up 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:05,400 chewed up God gave us a gift everybody just enjoy the gift of the beautiful deer" chewed up chewed up 151 chewed up 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:14,400 chewed up But now I live, and deer are in my fucking yard everyday and they suck, they're just rats with hooves chewed up chewed up 152 chewed up 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:26,900 chewed up They don't matter. They have ticks that give you lime disease and they shit everywhere and they make a noise, did you know that? They go [scoffs]. They're assholes. chewed up chewed up 153 chewed up 00:30:27,500 --> 00:30:36,700 chewed up They're shit animals. I go out every morning and throw rocks at them and I try really hard to them on the head with rocks. chewed up chewed up 154 chewed up 00:30:41,500 --> 00:30:45,300 chewed up And they don't care, they're like [farts][scoffs], they don't care. chewed up chewed up 155 chewed up 00:30:48,900 --> 00:30:56,200 chewed up I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing. I wouldn't feel anything. chewed up chewed up 156 chewed up 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:04,100 chewed up I'd just go, "Oh look, he's dead, that's interesting. I guess that's what happens when you shoot them in the fucking mouth." chewed up chewed up 157 chewed up 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:18,000 chewed up I'd go out of my way to kill a deer, I would happily blow 20 guys in an alley with bleeding dicks so I could get AIDS and then fuck a deer and kill it with my AIDS, I would do that in a second chewed up chewed up 158 chewed up 00:31:18,300 --> 00:31:21,899 chewed up I mean it, I mean it. chewed up chewed up 159 chewed up 00:31:26,900 --> 00:31:33,000 chewed up So I see this deer and this is how dumb they are. I hit him with my headlights and he does "DUH," that whole thing. chewed up chewed up 160 chewed up 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:43,100 chewed up And they he won't just go, he's like "Can I go? Can I- Can I go?" and I'm like, "Fucking GO!" "I don't know if I can, I don't-" chewed up chewed up 161 chewed up 00:31:43,100 --> 00:31:51,500 chewed up Just GOOO! And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics. chewed up chewed up 162 chewed up 00:31:51,600 --> 00:32:06,300 chewed up I swear, and he ran and smashed his body into my fucking car, like just [thud]. Destroyed my mirror, just shattered my mirror. He broke his neck, I heard him break his own fucking neck. chewed up chewed up 163 chewed up 00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:14,600 chewed up And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died. chewed up chewed up 164 chewed up 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:26,300 chewed up And I'm glad he's dead. I was glad right away. I got outta my car and I yelled into the woods, chewed up chewed up 165 chewed up 00:32:26,300 --> 00:32:45,400 chewed up I'm glad you're dead you fucking idiot! I hope your deer wife finds you dead and dies of a broken heart. I hope your deer babies starve to death, you broke my mirror you faggot, cunt, nigger deer. chewed up chewed up 166 chewed up 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:05,000 chewed up So I go to Walgreens.. I just kept going. chewed up chewed up 167 chewed up 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:12,900 chewed up I gotta by drugs all the time 'cause I got kids. Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. chewed up chewed up 168 chewed up 00:33:12,900 --> 00:33:20,600 chewed up And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth. chewed up chewed up 169 chewed up 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,100 chewed up Just [achoo], hit my right in the back of the throat. chewed up chewed up 170 chewed up 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:32,200 chewed up I'm like, "Thank honey, I'm sick right now I can feel it already." chewed up chewed up 171 chewed up 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:36,200 chewed up She did this by the way because she was trying to tell me a secret. chewed up chewed up 172 chewed up 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:40,700 chewed up And she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths. chewed up chewed up 173 chewed up 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:44,800 chewed up She takes her whole face, [whispers] [coughs]. chewed up chewed up 174 chewed up 00:33:48,700 --> 00:33:52,800 chewed up Which is inconsiderate, borderline retarded behaviour if you ask me. chewed up chewed up 175 chewed up 00:33:55,100 --> 00:34:05,600 chewed up And by the way, she's 5. 5 years old, what secret does she really have that I really need to hear.. chewed up chewed up 176 chewed up 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:11,000 chewed up Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm gonna go "Holy shit are you serious? chewed up chewed up 177 chewed up 00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:23,000 chewed up Oh my god. Honey, I won't tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on christmas eve? Oh my god." chewed up chewed up 178 chewed up 00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:33,500 chewed up She's 5. 5 years old, do you know what that means? Nothing that she says matters. chewed up chewed up 179 chewed up 00:34:33,900 --> 00:34:38,300 chewed up She's never said anything actually important in her entire life. chewed up chewed up 180 chewed up 00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:46,500 chewed up I literally could have missed every word this fucking kid has ever said and nothing would be different. chewed up chewed up 181 chewed up 00:34:46,900 --> 00:34:56,300 chewed up Everything would be exactly the same. I enjoy the things she says, they're beautiful and poetic and I love hearing them but I don't have to fucking hear any of it. chewed up chewed up 182 chewed up 00:34:56,300 --> 00:35:04,000 chewed up And that's an important distinction. If you're a parent, you just start making it because you can't listen to them all the time when they're talking because they're talking all the time. chewed up chewed up 183 chewed up 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:07,999 chewed up And they just talk whenever, they don't give a shit what you're doing, or if it's a good time. chewed up chewed up 184 chewed up 00:35:07,999 --> 00:35:10,600 chewed up I'm in a shootout with the cops and she's telling me all kinds of shit. chewed up chewed up 185 chewed up 00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:21,400 chewed up She doesn't care because she's 5. They're self-absorbed people, they have no ability.. No 5 year old goes, "No go ahead and finish, I'll tell you after it's fine." They just can't. chewed up chewed up 186 chewed up 00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:31,600 chewed up And sometimes it's impossible. The other day I was in New York City with my kids, and I got two of these fucking things, remember that please, 2 of 'em. chewed up chewed up 187 chewed up 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:40,000 chewed up And we're in crowded streets and I got this one here a 2 year old and I'm carrying... She can walk but she won't, she's a bullshitter. So I'm carrying her. chewed up chewed up 188 chewed up 00:35:40,100 --> 00:35:51,700 chewed up And she weighs like 20 babies, this kid. She's tiny but she's got the density of a dying sun, I don't understand how she's this heavy. chewed up chewed up 189 chewed up 00:35:52,300 --> 00:35:56,500 chewed up It feels like a fat raccoon holding a bowling ball, that's what she feels like. chewed up chewed up 190 chewed up 00:35:56,700 --> 00:36:07,500 chewed up And the pain in my shoulder is intense. And it's sending signals to my brain like, "You don't love her, just drop her, she doesn't matter just let her die." chewed up chewed up 191 chewed up 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:19,900 chewed up So I'm fighting that on this side. I got the 5 year old like this, I hope it's her I haven't looked back in about an hour. I'm just dragging somebody tiny. chewed up chewed up 192 chewed up 00:36:20,100 --> 00:36:26,700 chewed up Through many stranger's thighs. Breifcase corners are hitting her in the temple, I don't give a shit. chewed up chewed up 193 chewed up 00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:34,400 chewed up I'm in a hurry because my pocket's vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit. chewed up chewed up 194 chewed up 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:39,500 chewed up And I'm yelling at my pocket like she can hear me, "I'm fucking coming, shut up!" chewed up chewed up 195 chewed up 00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:50,000 chewed up And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground. chewed up chewed up 196 chewed up 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:55,100 chewed up What? Am I gonna listen to this shit? Really? chewed up chewed up 197 chewed up 00:36:56,800 --> 00:37:05,000 chewed up What? Am I gonna take a knee every 2 seconds like, "What's that sweetie? Go ahead, what's that?" "Excuse ME sir!" "Go ahead, it's fine. chewed up chewed up 198 chewed up 00:37:05,500 --> 00:37:15,799 chewed up Yeah. Yeah sometimes dogs are brown that's very true. It's a good thing I didn't miss any of that shit coming out of your stupid face." chewed up chewed up 199 chewed up 00:37:16,500 --> 00:37:23,500 chewed up What kind of a father would I be? If I pretended to listen to that. chewed up chewed up 200 chewed up 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:31,700 chewed up I remember the first time my daughter said a whole sentence, that was a big deal because she had never made a whole thought by herself, she just said her little words. chewed up chewed up 201 chewed up 00:37:31,700 --> 00:37:36,600 chewed up I was doing the dishes and I just hear, "Daddy, I don't like chicken." chewed up chewed up 202 chewed up 00:37:36,700 --> 00:37:42,900 chewed up I dropped the plate, my wife and I cried and hugged. It's a big moment. chewed up chewed up 203 chewed up 00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:46,600 chewed up A week later, I'm making dinner and she goes, "Daddy I dont like chicken." chewed up chewed up 204 chewed up 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:59,900 chewed up Well we're fucking having chicken, what are you talking about? I don't like chicken, I don't like you, I don't like people that make me work and don't appreciate what I make for them. chewed up chewed up 205 chewed up 00:38:02,199 --> 00:38:09,500 chewed up "You don't like chicken? Then make whatever the fuck you want, get out of your shitty little plastic chair and make your own dinner, whatever it is that you want so much. 206 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:18,300 You'll like the chicken when I shove it up your ass 'cause that's where it's going if you don't eat it, seriously.""" chewed up chewed up 207 chewed up 00:38:18,300 --> 00:38:23,900 chewed up "I will grind it up in the KusineArt and blow it up your ass with a straw." chewed up chewed up 208 chewed up 00:38:25,700 --> 00:38:37,300 chewed up I got to feed her. She's gotta eat. When your kid won't eat, you just go crazy because you have a physical need to feed them, it's an instinct. chewed up chewed up 209 chewed up 00:38:37,300 --> 00:38:45,200 chewed up and when they're just sitting there looking at their food, you're like, "Just fucking eat it! You'll die you idiot, eat the food!" chewed up chewed up 210 chewed up 00:38:46,500 --> 00:38:54,300 chewed up "I don't like it." "It doesn't matter, put it in your face." chewed up chewed up 211 chewed up 00:38:54,499 --> 00:39:01,200 chewed up They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I'm not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it! chewed up chewed up 212 chewed up 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:05,800 chewed up You have a social security number, you're on the grid motherfucker, EAT! chewed up chewed up 213 chewed up 00:39:07,100 --> 00:39:13,800 chewed up If you're skinny, I go to jail, do you understand? chewed up chewed up 214 chewed up 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:20,300 chewed up And I love my kids and I'd die for them but my life fucking stinks. chewed up chewed up 215 chewed up 00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:24,600 chewed up It just does, it is what it is. When you're a parent, all the pleasures are gone. chewed up chewed up 216 chewed up 00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:38,900 chewed up Nobody fucks you ever again, that shit's just over. You can't sleep, you don't eat, you don't eat meals you just fast standing up, some macaroni and cheese that she didn't fucking eat, that's your dinner now." chewed up chewed up 217 chewed up 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:48,900 chewed up with people yelling at you. You don't have any fun, your single friend is like, "Did you see that movie?" "NO I didn't see the fucking movie, okay?" chewed up chewed up 218 chewed up 00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:56,200 chewed up And you can't even enjoy being a parent because there's no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks. chewed up chewed up 219 chewed up 00:39:56,200 --> 00:40:01,700 chewed up We make huge mistakes and then you just go, "whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess." chewed up chewed up 220 chewed up 00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:09,999 chewed up My 5 year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I'm like, "good luck with that shit honey, that's all my handiwork" chewed up chewed up 221 chewed up 00:40:10,500 --> 00:40:12,800 chewed up Sorry chewed up chewed up 222 chewed up 00:40:13,300 --> 00:40:20,400 chewed up And it get's harder too, you think it's gonna get easier. When they're babies you think that's the hard part 'cause you gotta do everything. chewed up chewed up 223 chewed up 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:24,400 chewed up You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything. chewed up chewed up 224 chewed up 00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:28,100 chewed up But you think it's gonna get easier because they're gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they're not. chewed up chewed up 225 chewed up 00:40:28,100 --> 00:40:32,100 chewed up They're gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won't do it. chewed up chewed up 226 chewed up 00:40:32,100 --> 00:40:36,600 chewed up So it's actually easier when they're babies 'cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face. chewed up chewed up 227 chewed up 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:41,600 chewed up If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it. chewed up chewed up 228 chewed up 00:40:41,600 --> 00:40:44,500 chewed up Just pull her arms through the sweater. chewed up chewed up 229 chewed up 00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:49,800 chewed up Throw her in the car and kick the door closed. chewed up chewed up 230 chewed up 00:40:50,600 --> 00:41:04,300 chewed up And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door. chewed up chewed up 231 chewed up 00:41:04,300 --> 00:41:07,400 chewed up It's like a Carnival cruise, it's just the greatest. chewed up chewed up 232 chewed up 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:23,600 chewed up [relief] and you just stand at your door like, "Okay fuck that was bad, what'd I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody" chewed up chewed up 233 chewed up 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:33,700 chewed up I was changing my daughter the other day, and she's too old for diapers now, but she's still in them and it's bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps. chewed up chewed up 234 chewed up 00:41:33,700 --> 00:41:41,300 chewed up This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a 48 year old alcoholic man's shit in her diaper. chewed up chewed up 235 chewed up 00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:45,000 chewed up Like she was out all night drinking Jager chewed up chewed up 236 chewed up 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:49,100 chewed up She went to Denny's and got a grand slam chewed up chewed up 237 chewed up 00:41:49,100 --> 00:41:53,700 chewed up Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot. chewed up chewed up 238 chewed up 00:41:54,199 --> 00:41:57,800 chewed up Passed out in a pontiac and shit herself. chewed up chewed up 239 chewed up 00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:02,500 chewed up Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn chewed up chewed up 240 chewed up 00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:17,700 chewed up And now I gotta clean it and it's crazy, and you can't even react and go like, "What the fuck, that's disgusting!" You'll fuck 'em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice. chewed up chewed up 241 chewed up 00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:22,000 chewed up You open her diaper and it's just chaos in there, it's just bananas, it's just.. chewed up chewed up 242 chewed up 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:38,400 chewed up Every new shit amazes me, every one I'm like, "Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. 'Cause that's awful." chewed up chewed up 243 chewed up 00:42:39,100 --> 00:43:03,900 chewed up But you can't, you gotta be like, "Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that's really something. That's really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you." chewed up chewed up 244 chewed up 00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:17,200 chewed up Just down off your back, let's get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end. chewed up chewed up 245 chewed up 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:28,900 chewed up Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day. chewed up chewed up 246 chewed up 00:43:29,100 --> 00:43:32,500 chewed up They don't tell you that. chewed up chewed up 247 chewed up 00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:39,600 chewed up When you're getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says "You know you're gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat." chewed up chewed up 248 chewed up 00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,400 chewed up They don't tell you that. chewed up chewed up 249 chewed up 00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:50,500 chewed up Nobody tells you chewed up chewed up 250 chewed up 00:43:51,900 --> 00:43:57,400 chewed up And they should, it's a big part in being a dad. It's bigger than christmas, it happens everyday. chewed up chewed up 251 chewed up 00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:00,400 chewed up You gotta get it right, front to back. It's very important. chewed up chewed up 252 chewed up 00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:11,700 chewed up I'm glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don't want to clean shit off of some kid's balls. I'm glad that's not my job. chewed up chewed up 253 chewed up 00:44:11,700 --> 00:44:22,700 chewed up Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don't like their little penises, it bothers me. chewed up chewed up 254 chewed up 00:44:22,700 --> 00:44:29,300 chewed up I just get this weird feeling like they're gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks. chewed up chewed up 255 chewed up 00:44:29,300 --> 00:44:33,200 chewed up I know it's an irrational fear but it's very real to me. chewed up chewed up 256 chewed up 00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:41,200 chewed up I'm gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, "Fuck what are you doing? You're fucking my nose.." chewed up chewed up 257 chewed up 00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:48,100 chewed up "Neheee" "Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They're fucking my nose when I'm sleeping" chewed up chewed up 258 chewed up 00:44:55,500 --> 00:45:03,400 chewed up Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them 'cause it's really hard and really do. chewed up chewed up 259 chewed up 00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:08,500 chewed up Here's the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they're different. chewed up chewed up 260 chewed up 00:45:08,500 --> 00:45:10,800 chewed up Here's the difference for me between boys and girls. chewed up chewed up 261 chewed up 00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:16,600 chewed up Boys fuck things up... Girls are fucked up. chewed up chewed up 262 chewed up 00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,900 chewed up That's the difference. chewed up chewed up 263 chewed up 00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:27,700 chewed up Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane. chewed up chewed up 264 chewed up 00:45:29,700 --> 00:45:38,800 chewed up Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity. chewed up chewed up 265 chewed up 00:45:39,900 --> 00:45:48,500 chewed up Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he's like 4 years old and she's been with him all day so she's in bad shape. chewed up chewed up 266 chewed up 00:45:48,500 --> 00:45:54,300 chewed up She's got a drink and she's like, "I can't, I can't do it anymore, I can't do it." chewed up chewed up 267 chewed up 00:45:54,300 --> 00:45:58,100 chewed up And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down. chewed up chewed up 268 chewed up 00:45:59,100 --> 00:46:01,000 chewed up And then her little boy walks up to her. chewed up chewed up 269 chewed up 00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:05,300 chewed up He's got a handful of sand, I don't know where he got it, there's no sand in my home. chewed up chewed up 270 chewed up 00:46:05,600 --> 00:46:12,500 chewed up He's got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink. chewed up chewed up 271 chewed up 00:46:17,100 --> 00:46:22,800 chewed up It's all she had, and he just ruined it. chewed up chewed up 272 chewed up 00:46:23,300 --> 00:46:29,200 chewed up Really confident too, not like this, he was like, "Yeah this shit goes right there." chewed up chewed up 273 chewed up 00:46:34,700 --> 00:46:42,100 chewed up And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldnt even dream of doing that. It wouldn't even enter their heads that a person could do that. chewed up chewed up 274 chewed up 00:46:42,100 --> 00:46:44,100 chewed up But they're fucked up. chewed up chewed up 275 chewed up 00:46:44,100 --> 00:46:56,600 chewed up Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister's toy to make it fair. chewed up chewed up 276 chewed up 00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:59,900 chewed up And I did. chewed up chewed up 277 chewed up 00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:07,900 chewed up That's how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying. chewed up chewed up 278 chewed up 00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:12,200 chewed up And I look at her and she's got this creepy smile on her face. chewed up chewed up 279 chewed up 00:47:17,300 --> 00:47:21,900 chewed up That's the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really chewed up chewed up 280 chewed up 00:47:21,900 --> 00:47:29,500 chewed up Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you. chewed up chewed up 281 chewed up 00:47:29,500 --> 00:47:32,900 chewed up But a women will ruin your fucking life. chewed up chewed up 282 chewed up 00:47:33,100 --> 00:47:35,600 chewed up Do you see the difference? chewed up chewed up 283 chewed up 00:47:35,600 --> 00:47:42,800 chewed up Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. chewed up chewed up 284 chewed up 00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:51,100 chewed up He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart. chewed up chewed up 285 chewed up 00:47:55,000 --> 00:48:02,700 chewed up My wife and I we've been married now for about 9 years now, so we're almost done. chewed up chewed up 286 chewed up 00:48:02,900 --> 00:48:16,500 chewed up After 9 years and 2 kids you start looking at eachother like, "No. We're not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?" chewed up chewed up 287 chewed up 00:48:17,700 --> 00:48:24,400 chewed up We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, "You should go on a date." and I'm like, "Fuck you." chewed up chewed up 288 chewed up 00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:29,700 chewed up And I did go on a date with my wife and I don't think I'm gonna call her again. It wasn't really fun. chewed up chewed up 289 chewed up 00:48:34,400 --> 00:48:39,500 chewed up Somethings do get easier as you've been married for a while, you start to understand eachother better and you start looking at yourself more. chewed up chewed up 290 chewed up 00:48:39,500 --> 00:48:45,000 chewed up You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you're bringing to the table chewed up chewed up 291 chewed up 00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:49,800 chewed up And you blame them less for shit, y'know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now. chewed up chewed up 292 chewed up 00:48:49,800 --> 00:48:57,600 chewed up I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, "She hasn't fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?" chewed up chewed up 293 chewed up 00:48:58,700 --> 00:49:08,100 chewed up Now I look at myself and I'm like, "How did she fuck me for years?!" She fucked me for years! chewed up chewed up 294 chewed up 00:49:08,100 --> 00:49:16,600 chewed up She couldn't possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about 500 for the team. You gotta respect that shit. chewed up chewed up 295 chewed up 00:49:17,600 --> 00:49:24,400 chewed up 'Cause it's hard for women to have sex if they don't feel like it, it's not a skill they have generally. chewed up chewed up 296 chewed up 00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:27,500 chewed up Men have it, that's just different, we have different sexual skills. chewed up chewed up 297 chewed up 00:49:27,500 --> 00:49:33,000 chewed up Men can fuck whatever, we don't care. We'll fuck you even if we don't like you, everybody knows that. chewed up chewed up 298 chewed up 00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:40,000 chewed up But, we'll fuck you even if we don't feel like fucking you. Even if we're not hard we'll be like, "I'll fuck you, give me a second, I'll find a way." chewed up chewed up 299 chewed up 00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:48,300 chewed up We don't care, we'll fuck THINGS. We'll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey's ass, we don't give a shit. chewed up chewed up 300 chewed up 00:49:48,300 --> 00:49:52,400 chewed up We are jizz on demand, we just don't care. chewed up chewed up 301 chewed up 00:49:52,300 --> 00:50:01,399 chewed up Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me. chewed up chewed up 302 chewed up 00:50:01,399 --> 00:50:12,700 chewed up Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop 'cause of some other shit that distracted them. chewed up chewed up 303 chewed up 00:50:12,700 --> 00:50:17,800 chewed up If I'm fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom's head off. chewed up chewed up 304 chewed up 00:50:17,800 --> 00:50:37,700 chewed up And I'll be like, "Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we're gonna have a talk about that picture." chewed up chewed up 305 chewed up 00:50:37,700 --> 00:50:46,400 chewed up 'Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was 12 and I haven't skipped a day. chewed up chewed up 306 chewed up 00:50:46,400 --> 00:50:53,900 chewed up I cum everyday, and I've fucked maybe 20 times in my life so.. It's just been me doing most of the work. chewed up chewed up 307 chewed up 00:50:53,900 --> 00:51:02,900 chewed up I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's so selfish. But I know it's bad, I know I'm hurting somebody somewhere. chewed up chewed up 308 chewed up 00:51:02,900 --> 00:51:12,100 chewed up I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited. chewed up chewed up 309 chewed up 00:51:12,100 --> 00:51:22,000 chewed up And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that.. chewed up chewed up 310 chewed up 00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:29,700 chewed up I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that's the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us. chewed up chewed up 311 chewed up 00:51:32,300 --> 00:51:36,200 chewed up I know you all waited a whole week 'cause you're awesome, but I just couldn't do it. chewed up chewed up 312 chewed up 00:51:36,800 --> 00:51:41,800 chewed up A boner is a boner, it's gotta go, something's gotta happen. chewed up chewed up 313 chewed up 00:51:42,500 --> 00:51:47,900 chewed up Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I've every had. chewed up chewed up 314 chewed up 00:51:47,900 --> 00:51:58,400 chewed up I remember the first one, I was 9. That's the worst thing about a little boy's life is that you start getting boners when you're 9 and you don't cum for 3 fucking years. chewed up chewed up 315 chewed up 00:51:58,500 --> 00:52:01,900 chewed up It's 3 years of just vicious little boners. chewed up chewed up 316 chewed up 00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:11,400 chewed up That don't go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you're still hard. chewed up chewed up 317 chewed up 00:52:11,900 --> 00:52:17,200 chewed up It's awful! If you ever see a 9 year old on the street just give him 20 bucks 'cause he's very unhappy. chewed up chewed up 318 chewed up 00:52:17,300 --> 00:52:20,500 chewed up Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out. chewed up chewed up 319 chewed up 00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:35,700 chewed up I remember being 9 and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that's all I did. chewed up chewed up 320 chewed up 00:52:35,700 --> 00:52:44,199 chewed up If I was standing infront of a car I'd just press it against the car like, "[moans] aww, it's warm from the sun, this is good" chewed up chewed up 321 chewed up 00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:53,800 chewed up I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house. chewed up chewed up 322 chewed up 00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:59,300 chewed up I'd fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a 9 year old boy at home, he's fucking your house right now. chewed up chewed up 323 chewed up 00:52:59,400 --> 00:53:08,400 chewed up 'Cause that what we do. I had a corderoy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated. chewed up chewed up 324 chewed up 00:53:10,700 --> 00:53:17,600 chewed up I used to do weird things with my dick too, I'd just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don't know why I just liked the pressure. chewed up chewed up 325 chewed up 00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:25,900 chewed up I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls. chewed up chewed up 326 chewed up 00:53:25,900 --> 00:53:30,000 chewed up This is good, this is good, I don't know why but this is good. chewed up chewed up 327 chewed up 00:53:34,100 --> 00:53:40,300 chewed up I don't know how I ever got laid really, 'cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like.. chewed up chewed up 328 chewed up 00:53:40,300 --> 00:53:51,100 chewed up There's guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn't I'd be like, "[stutters] Can I fuck you?" Just blert it out. chewed up chewed up 329 chewed up 00:53:54,700 --> 00:54:02,400 chewed up I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute. chewed up chewed up 330 chewed up 00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:11,700 chewed up And we're making out in my hotel and she's into it, she's like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I'm like, "hm, okay." chewed up chewed up 331 chewed up 00:54:11,700 --> 00:54:18,200 chewed up So then we're making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened. chewed up chewed up 332 chewed up 00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:23,000 chewed up And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, "Hey what happened last night?" chewed up chewed up 333 chewed up 00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:30,000 chewed up I was like, "What?" and she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'cause you didn't want to." chewed up chewed up 334 chewed up 00:54:30,000 --> 00:54:37,900 chewed up She's like, "Yes I did, I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" and she goes, "'cause I wanted you to just go for it." chewed up chewed up 335 chewed up 00:54:39,700 --> 00:54:47,700 chewed up I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that's a big turn on for me." chewed up chewed up 336 chewed up 00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:56,200 chewed up I was like, "Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you." and she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous." chewed up chewed up 337 chewed up 00:54:56,200 --> 00:55:04,900 chewed up I'm like, "What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that shit?" chewed up chewed up 338 chewed up 00:55:13,300 --> 00:55:22,000 chewed up "What kind of idiot... I'm getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing. 339 00:55:22,000 --> 00:55:32,600 I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what's the worst that could happen after all?" chewed up chewed up 340 chewed up 00:55:33,300 --> 00:55:43,600 chewed up Jesus. Anyway, that's all history. Sex for me is gone. It's just my wife and me. chewed up chewed up 341 chewed up 00:55:43,600 --> 00:55:51,100 chewed up And it's sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She's gorgeous she just turned 40 and she's awesome. chewed up chewed up 342 chewed up 00:55:51,100 --> 00:55:57,300 chewed up And it's not because she looks younger than 40, she looks like she's 40 on the nose. I just like that. chewed up chewed up 343 chewed up 00:55:57,300 --> 00:56:04,700 chewed up I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like "women women" she's got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do. chewed up chewed up 344 chewed up 00:56:04,700 --> 00:56:10,200 chewed up She's got strong arms from picking up the kids, she's strong and sexy on a whole other level. chewed up chewed up 345 chewed up 00:56:10,200 --> 00:56:20,400 chewed up She's changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they're black now! She's intense, kinda crazy looking. chewed up chewed up 346 chewed up 00:56:20,700 --> 00:56:24,900 chewed up All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She's got character. chewed up chewed up 347 chewed up 00:56:26,400 --> 00:56:30,000 chewed up She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers. chewed up chewed up 348 chewed up 00:56:32,900 --> 00:56:39,200 chewed up She's intense, I like it, it turns me on. That's what I like now, I like "women women." chewed up chewed up 349 chewed up 00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:45,100 chewed up Girls I'm done a long time ago. 22 year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time. chewed up chewed up 350 chewed up 00:56:45,100 --> 00:57:00,000 chewed up "Wooooo" That's not me anymore. I like women, and I know that's offensive to 22 year old girls like, "I'm a woman too, I'm totally a woman." chewed up chewed up 351 chewed up 00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:09,100 chewed up Not to me, sorry. To me, you're not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that's really when you become a women. chewed up chewed up 352 chewed up 00:57:09,100 --> 00:57:12,000 chewed up Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams. chewed up chewed up 353 chewed up 00:57:12,000 --> 00:57:20,400 chewed up If you're still standing after that shit, you are a woman. chewed up chewed up 354 chewed up 00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:31,000 chewed up If you're still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you're standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it's 2 degrees, you're like "It's gonna be great in there!" You're a girl. chewed up chewed up 355 chewed up 00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:38,300 chewed up I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don't wanna fuck you. I'll jerk off to you but I don't wanna fuck you and get involved. chewed up chewed up 356 chewed up 00:57:39,100 --> 00:57:42,000 chewed up I do wanna fuck you but you won't fuck me so fuck you anyway. chewed up chewed up 357 chewed up 00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:51,400 chewed up I would, oh I'd totally fuck you. But- chewed up chewed up 358 chewed up 00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:59,800 chewed up There's just a difference between girls and women and it's not just age, there's a reason why they call it "Girl's Gone Wild" chewed up chewed up 359 chewed up 00:57:59,800 --> 00:58:07,300 chewed up You notice there's not women gone wild, 'cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd. chewed up chewed up 360 chewed up 00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:19,400 chewed up Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that's what wild women do. chewed up chewed up 361 chewed up 00:58:20,500 --> 00:58:26,299 chewed up They don't show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it's a whole other thing. chewed up chewed up 362 chewed up 00:58:28,500 --> 00:58:33,900 chewed up Try taking your 40 year old wife's picture when she comes outta the shower, "Fuck you, get the fuck outta here." chewed up chewed up 363 chewed up 00:58:35,700 --> 00:58:40,000 chewed up It's not funny, you thought it would be cute like "Don't" she's like "FUCK OFF" chewed up chewed up 364 chewed up 00:58:41,100 --> 00:58:50,700 chewed up Sorry.. 'Cause she doesn't have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained. chewed up chewed up 365 chewed up 00:58:50,900 --> 00:58:55,900 chewed up I get bills for my wife's breasts that's some grown up woman shit right there. chewed up chewed up 366 chewed up 00:58:55,900 --> 00:59:05,200 chewed up Girl's have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that's awesome. But you're not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples. chewed up chewed up 367 chewed up 00:59:12,100 --> 00:59:16,400 chewed up And you're not a man until you've sucked one of those fucking things either by the way. chewed up chewed up 368 chewed up 00:59:18,000 --> 00:59:24,900 chewed up Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night. 1 shameless 00:00:13,978 --> 00:00:16,746 shameless PLEASE WELCOME LOUIS C.K.! shameless shameless 2 shameless 00:00:34,498 --> 00:00:35,765 shameless THANK YOU. shameless shameless 3 shameless 00:00:39,336 --> 00:00:40,904 shameless THANK YOU. shameless shameless 4 shameless 00:00:43,841 --> 00:00:46,109 shameless THANK YOU. shameless shameless 5 shameless 00:00:47,511 --> 00:00:49,512 shameless THANK YOU, THANKS, shameless THAT'S VERY NICE. shameless shameless 6 shameless 00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:51,614 shameless HELLO, EVERYBODY. shameless shameless 7 shameless 00:00:51,682 --> 00:00:52,782 shameless HOW ARE YA? shameless shameless 8 shameless 00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:53,750 shameless WOO! shameless shameless 9 shameless 00:00:53,817 --> 00:00:55,285 shameless GOOD, THANKS FOR- shameless shameless 10 shameless 00:00:55,352 --> 00:00:56,452 shameless THANK YOU, OH, GOOD. shameless shameless 11 shameless 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,788 shameless THANKS, THANKS FOR COMING, shameless THANKS FOR BEING HERE. shameless shameless 12 shameless 00:00:58,856 --> 00:01:00,957 shameless THANKS FOR NOT shameless DYING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE. shameless shameless 13 shameless 00:01:02,126 --> 00:01:03,393 shameless WHICH COULD'VE HAPPENED. shameless shameless 14 shameless 00:01:04,795 --> 00:01:06,329 shameless #NAME? shameless THROUGH THE TRAFFIC. shameless shameless 15 shameless 00:01:06,397 --> 00:01:07,564 shameless I DROVE HERE, shameless AND ON THE WAY HERE shameless shameless 16 shameless 00:01:07,631 --> 00:01:09,732 shameless I SAW A BUMPER STICKER shameless ON A CAR, AND IT SAID, shameless shameless 17 shameless 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:12,735 shameless UH, IT SAID "TELL YOUR shameless GIRLFRIEND I SAID THANKS." shameless shameless 18 shameless 00:01:17,141 --> 00:01:20,243 shameless ISN'T THAT A LITTLE PERSONAL shameless FOR A BUMPER STICKER, REALLY? shameless shameless 19 shameless 00:01:20,311 --> 00:01:21,578 shameless A BUMPER STICKER shameless SHOULD BE LIKE, shameless shameless 20 shameless 00:01:21,645 --> 00:01:23,413 shameless "HEY, I'M IN FRONT OF YOU, BUH-BAA," shameless shameless 21 shameless 00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:24,881 shameless WHATEVER, YOU KNOW. shameless shameless 22 shameless 00:01:24,949 --> 00:01:26,749 shameless NOT, "HEY, I FUCKED shameless YOUR GIRLFRIEND." shameless shameless 23 shameless 00:01:26,817 --> 00:01:29,085 shameless YOU REALLY WANT THAT shameless ON YOUR CAR shameless shameless 24 shameless 00:01:29,153 --> 00:01:33,256 shameless ALL DAY FOR WHOEVER'S shameless BEHIND YOU? shameless shameless 25 shameless 00:01:33,324 --> 00:01:35,091 shameless "TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND I SAID THANKS," shameless shameless 26 shameless 00:01:35,159 --> 00:01:37,527 shameless HOW DOES HE KNOW I'M NOT BEHIND shameless HIM JUST GETTING MAD, shameless shameless 27 shameless 00:01:37,595 --> 00:01:38,928 shameless AND... shameless shameless 28 shameless 00:01:38,996 --> 00:01:41,831 shameless CRAZY, TAKING IT PERSONAL, shameless MOTHERFUCKER... shameless shameless 29 shameless 00:01:43,334 --> 00:01:45,768 shameless I FOLLOW HIM HOME, I GET OUT OF shameless MY CAR IN HIS DRIVEWAY shameless shameless 30 shameless 00:01:45,836 --> 00:01:47,904 shameless WITH A PIPE, shameless WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? shameless shameless 31 shameless 00:01:50,007 --> 00:01:53,443 shameless THANK HER FOR WHAT, EXACTLY? shameless shameless 32 shameless 00:01:53,510 --> 00:01:56,112 shameless - WAIT A MINUTE, shameless YOU FUCKED MY GIRLFRIEND? shameless shameless 33 shameless 00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:57,580 shameless THEN YOU MADE THAT shameless BUMPER STICKER shameless shameless 34 shameless 00:01:57,648 --> 00:02:00,950 shameless AND FOUND ME IN TRAFFIC shameless AND GOT IN FRONT OF ME? shameless shameless 35 shameless 00:02:01,018 --> 00:02:04,053 shameless WOO! shameless shameless 36 shameless 00:02:04,121 --> 00:02:05,888 shameless MOTHERFUCKER. shameless shameless 37 shameless 00:02:05,956 --> 00:02:07,523 shameless AND I JUST BEAT HIM shameless TO DEATH WITH A PIPE shameless shameless 38 shameless 00:02:07,591 --> 00:02:11,361 shameless RIGHT THERE IN shameless HIS DRIVEWAY, MM, MM! shameless shameless 39 shameless 00:02:11,428 --> 00:02:13,229 shameless AND JERK OFF ON HIS CORPSE. shameless shameless 40 shameless 00:02:21,138 --> 00:02:23,539 shameless DIDN'T NEED THAT PART. shameless DIDN'T NEED IT. shameless shameless 41 shameless 00:02:23,607 --> 00:02:24,907 shameless THE STORY WAS TOTAY COMPLETE shameless shameless 42 shameless 00:02:24,975 --> 00:02:28,244 shameless WITHOUT THE JERKING OFF shameless ON THE CORPSE. shameless shameless 43 shameless 00:02:28,312 --> 00:02:30,146 shameless IT'S TOO LATE. shameless shameless 44 shameless 00:02:32,149 --> 00:02:33,416 shameless #NAME? shameless THE OTHER NIGHT, shameless shameless 45 shameless 00:02:33,484 --> 00:02:35,218 shameless IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE shameless BECAUSE I'M LYING. shameless shameless 46 shameless 00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:37,086 shameless BUT, UM- shameless shameless 47 shameless 00:02:37,154 --> 00:02:39,155 shameless I WAS... shameless shameless 48 shameless 00:02:42,793 --> 00:02:44,927 shameless - I WAS AT A BAR, shameless AND, UH, UM, shameless shameless 49 shameless 00:02:44,995 --> 00:02:46,596 shameless I WAS WAITING FOR THE BATHROOM shameless FOR A REALLY LONG TIME, shameless shameless 50 shameless 00:02:46,664 --> 00:02:48,264 shameless THERE WAS A GUY IN THE BATHROOM shameless AND I'M WAITING FOR HIM. shameless shameless 51 shameless 00:02:48,332 --> 00:02:49,399 shameless AND THEN AFTER A WHILE, shameless shameless 52 shameless 00:02:49,466 --> 00:02:50,767 shameless THIS GUY THAT WORKS THERE shameless WALKS BY, HE GOES, shameless shameless 53 shameless 00:02:50,834 --> 00:02:52,435 shameless ARE YOU STILL WAITING? shameless AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH." shameless shameless 54 shameless 00:02:52,503 --> 00:02:53,770 shameless SO HE BANGS ON shameless THE DOOR AND HE GOES, shameless shameless 55 shameless 00:02:53,837 --> 00:02:56,272 shameless "COME, ASSHOLE, SHIT AND GET OUT!" shameless shameless 56 shameless 00:02:56,340 --> 00:02:59,542 shameless AND THEN HE WALKS AWAY. shameless shameless 57 shameless 00:03:09,953 --> 00:03:11,621 shameless - I WAS IN NEW YORK, shameless I WENT TO A-UH, shameless shameless 58 shameless 00:03:11,689 --> 00:03:13,523 shameless I WENT TO THIS POLISH MEAT shameless PLACE IN NEW YORK, shameless shameless 59 shameless 00:03:13,590 --> 00:03:14,891 shameless AND I GO TO THE GUY shameless AT THE COUNTER, I WAS LIKE, shameless shameless 60 shameless 00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:16,225 shameless HEY, COULD I GET A SANDWICH? shameless shameless 61 shameless 00:03:16,293 --> 00:03:19,062 shameless AND HE'S LIKE, "YES!" shameless AND HE JUST MADE ME A SANDWICH. shameless shameless 62 shameless 00:03:21,131 --> 00:03:23,733 shameless HEH, HEH, HEH. shameless shameless 63 shameless 00:03:23,801 --> 00:03:26,369 shameless THAT WAS IT, HE DIDN'T ASK ME shameless WHAT KIND OR ANYTHING, shameless shameless 64 shameless 00:03:26,437 --> 00:03:28,404 shameless HE JUST MADE IT. shameless shameless 65 shameless 00:03:30,808 --> 00:03:34,477 shameless IT HAD, LIKE, RAISINS shameless AND BONES IN IT. WHAT THE FUCK? shameless shameless 66 shameless 00:03:38,816 --> 00:03:40,883 shameless #NAME? shameless EAT WEIRD FOOD, MAN. shameless shameless 67 shameless 00:03:40,951 --> 00:03:43,886 shameless I WAS IN CHINATOWN, AND, UH, shameless YOU KNOW ONE OF THE GROCERIES- shameless shameless 68 shameless 00:03:43,954 --> 00:03:46,589 shameless I KNOW THAT'S NOT ANOTHER shameless COUNTRY, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW- shameless shameless 69 shameless 00:03:46,657 --> 00:03:48,558 shameless HA HA HA- shameless shameless 70 shameless 00:03:48,625 --> 00:03:50,760 shameless #NAME? shameless STORES IN CHINATOWN, shameless shameless 71 shameless 00:03:50,828 --> 00:03:53,763 shameless THEY'RE FOR THE CHINESE PEOPLE, shameless THEY EAT THEIR ACTUAL FOOD, shameless shameless 72 shameless 00:03:53,831 --> 00:03:56,532 shameless AND, UH, I WAS shameless IN ONE OF THOSE, AND THEY- shameless shameless 73 shameless 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,102 shameless THEY HAD DUCK VAGINAS, shameless I SWEAR TO GOD. shameless shameless 74 shameless 00:03:59,169 --> 00:04:02,839 shameless A HUGE BARREL OF shameless FUCKIN' DUCK VAGINAS... shameless shameless 75 shameless 00:04:02,906 --> 00:04:04,707 shameless WITH A SCOOP STUCK IN IT. shameless shameless 76 shameless 00:04:06,276 --> 00:04:08,478 shameless YEAH! shameless shameless 77 shameless 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,215 shameless - AND I'M STANDING THERE shameless JUST STARING AT THIS shameless shameless 78 shameless 00:04:12,282 --> 00:04:15,051 shameless FUCKING HUGE... shameless shameless 79 shameless 00:04:15,119 --> 00:04:16,519 shameless AND I'M THINKING, shameless shameless 80 shameless 00:04:16,587 --> 00:04:20,223 shameless COULD WE POSSIBLY DOMINATE shameless A SPECIES MORE THAN THAT? shameless shameless 81 shameless 00:04:22,126 --> 00:04:25,862 shameless - THAN THAT-WE'RE SELLING THEIR shameless VAGINAS IN A FUCKING BARREL. shameless shameless 82 shameless 00:04:28,632 --> 00:04:32,702 shameless #NAME? shameless LIKE, "DUDES... JESUS. shameless shameless 83 shameless 00:04:32,770 --> 00:04:34,904 shameless "YOU WON THE WAR, TAKE IT EASY, 84 00:04:34,972 --> 00:04:37,940 YOU DON'T HAVE TO SELL OUR VAGINAS." shameless shameless 85 shameless 00:04:39,476 --> 00:04:41,410 shameless - I DIDN'T GET ANY, shameless BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW- shameless shameless 86 shameless 00:04:41,478 --> 00:04:42,912 shameless WHAT IF I LOVE DUCK VAGINAS? shameless shameless 87 shameless 00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:46,149 shameless I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT. shameless shameless 88 shameless 00:04:47,484 --> 00:04:49,585 shameless - IT'S NOT LIKE MILLIONS shameless OF THINGS TASTE LIKE shameless shameless 89 shameless 00:04:49,653 --> 00:04:52,755 shameless A FUCKING DUCK VAGINA, shameless IT WOULD BE VERY SPECIFIC shameless shameless 90 shameless 00:04:52,823 --> 00:04:55,391 shameless TO BE ADDICTED TO THAT. shameless shameless 91 shameless 00:04:55,459 --> 00:04:57,226 shameless NOT FOR ME. shameless shameless 92 shameless 00:05:01,165 --> 00:05:04,367 shameless - I HAVE THIS FRIEND, shameless HE HAS A PHONE THAT CAN "IM," shameless shameless 93 shameless 00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:07,136 shameless HE CAN INSTANT MESSAGE, AND SO shameless NOW I REALLY WANT HIM TO DIE, shameless shameless 94 shameless 00:05:07,204 --> 00:05:09,705 shameless BECAUSE I'M SICK OF GETTING shameless THESE FUCKING MESSAGES shameless shameless 95 shameless 00:05:09,773 --> 00:05:11,707 shameless FROM HIM ON HIS PHONE. shameless I'M IN A SHOW STORE. shameless shameless 96 shameless 00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:13,543 shameless THAT'S THE WHOLE MESSAGE! shameless shameless 97 shameless 00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:17,046 shameless WE'RE NOT SECRET AGENTS, I DON'T shameless NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE. shameless shameless 98 shameless 00:05:17,114 --> 00:05:18,881 shameless SO I GET THIS shameless MESSAGE FROM HIM, shameless shameless 99 shameless 00:05:18,949 --> 00:05:20,850 shameless HE SAYS, "I'M ON AN shameless AIRPLANE IN SEATTLE." shameless shameless 100 shameless 00:05:20,918 --> 00:05:22,051 shameless SO I WROTE BACK AND I SAID, shameless shameless 101 shameless 00:05:22,119 --> 00:05:23,886 shameless "WELL, I HOPE YOUR PLANE CRASHES." shameless shameless 102 shameless 00:05:25,122 --> 00:05:26,856 shameless #NAME? shameless AND HE CALLS ME, shameless shameless 103 shameless 00:05:26,924 --> 00:05:28,558 shameless "TAKE IT BACK, WE'RE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF." shameless shameless 104 shameless 00:05:28,625 --> 00:05:30,059 shameless I'M LIKE, "FUCK YOU, shameless I HOPE IT CRASHES. shameless shameless 105 shameless 00:05:30,127 --> 00:05:32,895 shameless I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT BACK." shameless shameless 106 shameless 00:05:32,963 --> 00:05:34,864 shameless HOPE IT CRASHES TWICE. shameless shameless 107 shameless 00:05:34,932 --> 00:05:36,899 shameless HOPE IT CRASHES shameless AND KILLS HALF OF YOU shameless shameless 108 shameless 00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:38,234 shameless AND THEY GO, "FUCK IT, shameless LET'S Y AGAIN," shameless shameless 109 shameless 00:05:38,302 --> 00:05:40,236 shameless AND THEY TAKE OFF shameless AND CRASH AGAIN. shameless shameless 110 shameless 00:05:40,304 --> 00:05:42,405 shameless I HOPE THAT HAPPENS. shameless shameless 111 shameless 00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:44,740 shameless SINCERELY I HOPE IT. shameless shameless 112 shameless 00:05:47,144 --> 00:05:48,744 shameless #NAME? shameless TO MAKE IT-HE GOES, shameless shameless 113 shameless 00:05:48,812 --> 00:05:50,580 shameless "WELL, HOW ARE YOU GONNA FEEL NOW IF MY PLANE CRASHES 114 00:05:50,647 --> 00:05:52,415 AFTER YOU WENT AND SAID THAT?" shameless shameless 115 shameless 00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:55,751 shameless I'M LIKE, ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME? shameless THAT WOULD BE AMAZING! shameless shameless 116 shameless 00:05:55,819 --> 00:05:59,422 shameless TO KNOW THAT I CAN DO THAT? shameless shameless 117 shameless 00:05:59,489 --> 00:06:03,092 shameless I'D HAPPILY TRADE YOUR LIFE FOR shameless KNOWLEDGE OF MY POWERS. shameless shameless 118 shameless 00:06:05,095 --> 00:06:07,630 shameless HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO JUST shameless MAKES YOU HATE HIM, shameless shameless 119 shameless 00:06:07,698 --> 00:06:09,365 shameless BECAUSE, UH, YOU KNOW WHEN shameless YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT YOU HATE? shameless shameless 120 shameless 00:06:09,433 --> 00:06:11,534 shameless YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH shameless YOUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 121 shameless 00:06:11,602 --> 00:06:13,369 shameless HE ALWAYS STARTS CONVERSATIONS shameless THAT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE. shameless shameless 122 shameless 00:06:13,437 --> 00:06:14,871 shameless YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE, shameless "HEY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU 123 00:06:14,938 --> 00:06:17,874 HAD A TIME MACHINE?" shameless I'M LIKE, FUCK YOU. shameless shameless 124 shameless 00:06:17,941 --> 00:06:20,376 shameless I DON'T- shameless shameless 125 shameless 00:06:20,444 --> 00:06:21,677 shameless YOU KNOW WHAT? shameless I WOULDN'T USE IT. shameless shameless 126 shameless 00:06:21,745 --> 00:06:23,980 shameless I'D JUST LET IT shameless SIT IN MY HOUSE. shameless shameless 127 shameless 00:06:25,282 --> 00:06:27,183 shameless I'D PUT A DRINK ON IT, shameless YOU KNOW, I GOT A TIME MACHINE, shameless shameless 128 shameless 00:06:27,251 --> 00:06:28,885 shameless I NEVER EVEN WENT IN IT. shameless shameless 129 shameless 00:06:28,952 --> 00:06:30,887 shameless I DON'T KNOW, shameless I'M NOT INTERESTED. shameless shameless 130 shameless 00:06:30,954 --> 00:06:32,722 shameless I'D USE IT shameless TO GO BACK 30 MINUTES AGO shameless shameless 131 shameless 00:06:32,789 --> 00:06:34,891 shameless AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING shameless FACE BEFORE YOU ASK ME THAT. shameless shameless 132 shameless 00:06:34,958 --> 00:06:37,693 shameless THAT'S ALL. shameless shameless 133 shameless 00:06:37,761 --> 00:06:39,962 shameless ONE USE. shameless shameless 134 shameless 00:06:41,431 --> 00:06:43,466 shameless SO HE GOES, "WELL, shameless HERE'S WHAT I WOULD DO." shameless shameless 135 shameless 00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:44,734 shameless 'CAUSE OF COURSE THAT'S shameless THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT shameless shameless 136 shameless 00:06:44,801 --> 00:06:48,070 shameless OF ASKING ME, IS TO STARE shameless AT ME WHILE I SAY MINE shameless shameless 137 shameless 00:06:48,138 --> 00:06:50,273 shameless AND THEN SAY HIS. shameless shameless 138 shameless 00:06:51,975 --> 00:06:53,876 shameless SO HE SAID IF shameless HE HAD A TIME MACHINE, shameless shameless 139 shameless 00:06:53,944 --> 00:06:55,244 shameless HE WOULD'VE shameless KILLED HITLER, LIKE, shameless shameless 140 shameless 00:06:55,312 --> 00:06:56,579 shameless HE WOULD GO BACK shameless AND KILL HITLER. shameless shameless 141 shameless 00:06:56,647 --> 00:06:57,914 shameless I LOVE THAT HE THINKS shameless HE COULD JUST KILL HITLER shameless shameless 142 shameless 00:06:57,981 --> 00:06:59,248 shameless JUST 'CAUSE shameless HE JUST GOES BACK THERE shameless shameless 143 shameless 00:06:59,316 --> 00:07:01,584 shameless AND WALK UP AND KILL THE DUDE. shameless shameless 144 shameless 00:07:01,652 --> 00:07:03,853 shameless AND I WAS THINKING, shameless THAT'S A NOBLE PURPOSE shameless shameless 145 shameless 00:07:03,921 --> 00:07:05,187 shameless FOR A TIME MACHINE, shameless I WOULD DO THAT. shameless shameless 146 shameless 00:07:05,255 --> 00:07:06,188 shameless BUT I WOULD'VE shameless GONE BACK WITH HIM shameless shameless 147 shameless 00:07:06,256 --> 00:07:07,690 shameless BUT I WOULDN'T shameless HAVE KILLED HITLER. shameless shameless 148 shameless 00:07:07,758 --> 00:07:10,026 shameless I WOULD'VE RAPED HIM. shameless THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. shameless shameless 149 shameless 00:07:10,093 --> 00:07:11,861 shameless BECAUSE I THINK THAT shameless WOULD'VE BEEN ENOUGH, shameless shameless 150 shameless 00:07:11,929 --> 00:07:14,196 shameless I THINK THAT WOULD'VE STOPPED shameless HIM FROM DOING ALL THAT SHIT. shameless shameless 151 shameless 00:07:14,264 --> 00:07:16,032 shameless IF HE HAD BEEN RAPED BY ME, shameless shameless 152 shameless 00:07:16,099 --> 00:07:18,868 shameless HE NEVER WOULD'VE PULLED shameless ANY OF THAT STUFF, MAN. shameless shameless 153 shameless 00:07:18,936 --> 00:07:20,369 shameless SHOULD WE INVADE POLAND? shameless shameless 154 shameless 00:07:20,437 --> 00:07:24,740 shameless "NO, I'LL JUST TAKE A SHOWER, I DON'T FEEL GOOD." shameless shameless 155 shameless 00:07:29,446 --> 00:07:32,715 shameless - LOW SELF-ESTEEM, shameless AND, YOU KNOW... shameless shameless 156 shameless 00:07:35,786 --> 00:07:37,720 shameless - I'M NOT CONDONING RAPE, shameless OBVIOUSLY, shameless shameless 157 shameless 00:07:37,788 --> 00:07:40,723 shameless YOU SHOULD NEVER RAPE ANYONE. shameless shameless 158 shameless 00:07:40,791 --> 00:07:42,692 shameless UM, UNLESS YOU HAVE A REASON, shameless LIKE YOU WANT TO shameless shameless 159 shameless 00:07:42,759 --> 00:07:44,393 shameless FUCK SOMEBODY AND shameless THEY WON'T LET YOU, shameless shameless 160 shameless 00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,228 shameless IN WHICH CASE, UH... shameless shameless 161 shameless 00:07:46,296 --> 00:07:48,564 shameless #NAME? shameless OPTION DO YOU HAVE? shameless shameless 162 shameless 00:07:48,632 --> 00:07:50,399 shameless HOW ELSE ARE YOU shameless shameless 163 shameless 00:07:50,467 --> 00:07:52,401 shameless SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN ORGASM shameless IN THEIR BODY shameless shameless 164 shameless 00:07:52,469 --> 00:07:54,070 shameless IF YOU DON'T RAPE THEM? shameless LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK? shameless shameless 165 shameless 00:07:56,306 --> 00:07:59,075 shameless HA HA HA. OK. shameless shameless 166 shameless 00:07:59,142 --> 00:08:01,344 shameless THAT'S FUCKED UP. shameless shameless 167 shameless 00:08:02,479 --> 00:08:04,847 shameless SO, HERE'S A WEIRD THING shameless THAT HAPPENED TO ME. shameless shameless 168 shameless 00:08:04,915 --> 00:08:06,148 shameless I HAVE THIS, UH, shameless I HAVE THIS T-SHIRT, shameless shameless 169 shameless 00:08:06,216 --> 00:08:08,351 shameless AND IT SAYS shameless AWESOME POSSUM ON IT. shameless shameless 170 shameless 00:08:08,418 --> 00:08:09,852 shameless AND IT'S GOT A PICTURE shameless OF A POSSUM. shameless shameless 171 shameless 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,688 shameless I KNOW IT'S STUPID, BUT A FRIEND shameless OF MINE GAVE IT TO ME- shameless shameless 172 shameless 00:08:12,756 --> 00:08:14,523 shameless FUCK YOU, I BOUGHT IT. shameless I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL. shameless shameless 173 shameless 00:08:14,591 --> 00:08:18,194 shameless BUT, UH, I- shameless shameless 174 shameless 00:08:18,261 --> 00:08:20,529 shameless I'D NEVER SEEN ANYBODY shameless WITH THAT SAME SHIRT BEFORE, shameless shameless 175 shameless 00:08:20,597 --> 00:08:21,731 shameless WITH THE AWESOME POSSUM SHIRT, shameless shameless 176 shameless 00:08:21,798 --> 00:08:24,200 shameless AND I WAS IN THIS COFFEE PLACE shameless IN L.A., YOU KNOW, shameless shameless 177 shameless 00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:25,835 shameless LIKE A COFFEE-NOT LIKE, UH, shameless LIKE STARBUCKS, shameless shameless 178 shameless 00:08:25,902 --> 00:08:28,204 shameless LIKE AN INDIE COFFEE PLACE WHERE shameless ALL THE COOL PEOPLE GO, shameless shameless 179 shameless 00:08:28,271 --> 00:08:30,339 shameless AND THEY'RE LIKE, OOH- shameless shameless 180 shameless 00:08:30,407 --> 00:08:33,376 shameless EH-HEH-EH-HEH... shameless shameless 181 shameless 00:08:33,443 --> 00:08:35,544 shameless - THEY GOT THEIR, LIKE, shameless SNOW HATS IN THE FUCKING SUMMER shameless shameless 182 shameless 00:08:35,612 --> 00:08:38,080 shameless AND ALL THAT SHIT, YOU KNOW, shameless THOSE COOL PEOPLE. shameless shameless 183 shameless 00:08:38,148 --> 00:08:40,850 shameless HUH, UH, AND THEIR IPODs. shameless shameless 184 shameless 00:08:40,917 --> 00:08:43,219 shameless AND THEY SAY COOL THINGS LIKE, shameless YEAH, ME, TOO. shameless shameless 185 shameless 00:08:43,286 --> 00:08:45,955 shameless OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW. shameless shameless 186 shameless 00:08:49,626 --> 00:08:52,061 shameless #NAME? shameless DOORWAY AND FUCKING HATE THEM. shameless shameless 187 shameless 00:08:52,129 --> 00:08:53,229 shameless I DON'T KNOW WHY shameless I GO TO THE PLACE, shameless shameless 188 shameless 00:08:53,296 --> 00:08:54,730 shameless I THINK IT'S shameless 'CAUSE I HATE THEM. shameless shameless 189 shameless 00:08:54,798 --> 00:08:56,565 shameless I JUST HATE- shameless shameless 190 shameless 00:08:56,633 --> 00:08:58,067 shameless THERE'S A CERTAIN PART OF shameless THE CULTURE I JUST HATE. shameless shameless 191 shameless 00:08:58,135 --> 00:08:59,735 shameless 'CAUSE I GREW UP IN BOSTON, shameless AND IN BOSTON, shameless shameless 192 shameless 00:08:59,803 --> 00:09:01,237 shameless PEOPLE JUST BEAT shameless THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. shameless shameless 193 shameless 00:09:01,304 --> 00:09:02,304 shameless FOR NO REASON. shameless shameless 194 shameless 00:09:02,372 --> 00:09:04,006 shameless THEY JUST BEAT THE SHIT shameless OUT OF EACH OTHER. shameless shameless 195 shameless 00:09:04,074 --> 00:09:05,508 shameless BUT I KIND OF THINK shameless YOU NEED THAT, shameless shameless 196 shameless 00:09:05,575 --> 00:09:06,842 shameless YOU KNOW, TO KEEP shameless QUALITY CONTROL. shameless shameless 197 shameless 00:09:06,910 --> 00:09:08,010 shameless 'CAUSE IN PLACES WHERE shameless THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN, shameless shameless 198 shameless 00:09:08,078 --> 00:09:09,311 shameless PEOPLE ARE JUSTOO FREE, shameless shameless 199 shameless 00:09:09,379 --> 00:09:11,514 shameless AND FUCKIN'- THEY'RE shameless JUST A BUMMER, YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 200 shameless 00:09:11,581 --> 00:09:13,682 shameless LIKE I WAS ONCE ON VENICE BEACH shameless AND I'M JOGGING, shameless shameless 201 shameless 00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:15,851 shameless AND THERE'S THIS GUY shameless ROLLERBLADING TOWARDS ME. shameless shameless 202 shameless 00:09:15,919 --> 00:09:17,520 shameless AND HE'S-HE'S GOT shameless ROLLERBLADES ON, shameless shameless 203 shameless 00:09:17,587 --> 00:09:20,189 shameless AND JUST A THONG, shameless JUST A FUCKING THONG, shameless shameless 204 shameless 00:09:20,257 --> 00:09:22,024 shameless THAT'S JUST GRABBING shameless THIS DICK AND BALLS shameless shameless 205 shameless 00:09:22,092 --> 00:09:24,193 shameless AND JUST FIGHTING WITH IT, shameless GOING, "AH, STAY IN THERE!" shameless shameless 206 shameless 00:09:25,429 --> 00:09:27,863 shameless - AND THEN HE'S JUST TOTAL shameless NAKED OTHERWISE, shameless shameless 207 shameless 00:09:27,931 --> 00:09:29,365 shameless AND HE'S GOT THIS shameless KENNY "G" HAIR, shameless shameless 208 shameless 00:09:29,433 --> 00:09:32,201 shameless AND HE'S JUST shameless ROLLERBLADING, LIKE- shameless shameless 209 shameless 00:09:39,342 --> 00:09:41,710 shameless I'M FREE! shameless shameless 210 shameless 00:09:41,778 --> 00:09:43,879 shameless #NAME? shameless HAD TO STOP JOGGING, shameless shameless 211 shameless 00:09:43,947 --> 00:09:47,216 shameless 'CAUSE I NEEDEMY WHOLE BODY shameless TO FUCKING HATE THIS GUY WITH. shameless shameless 212 shameless 00:09:47,284 --> 00:09:48,851 shameless I HAD TO JUST... shameless shameless 213 shameless 00:09:48,919 --> 00:09:51,887 shameless - STAND THERE GOING, shameless OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER. shameless shameless 214 shameless 00:09:53,290 --> 00:09:56,725 shameless #NAME? shameless YOU EXIST, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. shameless shameless 215 shameless 00:09:56,793 --> 00:10:00,563 shameless FUCKING GO SKATE INTO AN AIDS shameless TREE, YOU MOTHERFUCKER. shameless shameless 216 shameless 00:10:04,301 --> 00:10:06,235 shameless ALL RIGHT, NOW. shameless shameless 217 shameless 00:10:08,138 --> 00:10:10,539 shameless I DON'T KNOW, I'VE STARTED TO shameless KIND OF HATE PEOPLE, shameless shameless 218 shameless 00:10:10,607 --> 00:10:12,408 shameless AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE shameless I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST THEM, shameless shameless 219 shameless 00:10:12,476 --> 00:10:14,910 shameless IT'S JUST I-I ENJOY IT, shameless IT'S JUST RECREATION. shameless shameless 220 shameless 00:10:16,146 --> 00:10:17,413 shameless LIKE, YOU KNOW shameless WHEN YOU'RE AT THE BANK shameless shameless 221 shameless 00:10:17,481 --> 00:10:19,248 shameless AND YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO WHILE shameless YOU'RE WAITING IN LINE, shameless shameless 222 shameless 00:10:19,316 --> 00:10:20,749 shameless SO YOU JUST PICK PEOPLE shameless TO HATE WHILE YOU'RE WAITING? shameless shameless 223 shameless 00:10:20,817 --> 00:10:22,918 shameless YOU JUST LOOK AT SOMEONE shameless AND FORM AN OPINION shameless shameless 224 shameless 00:10:22,986 --> 00:10:24,587 shameless WITH NO INFORMATION. shameless shameless 225 shameless 00:10:24,654 --> 00:10:26,589 shameless AND IT'S NEVER POSITIVE. shameless shameless 226 shameless 00:10:26,656 --> 00:10:29,425 shameless WHO FUCKING WASTES THEIR TIME- shameless I BET HE'S A HARD WORKER. shameless shameless 227 shameless 00:10:29,493 --> 00:10:31,760 shameless WHO THINKS ABOUT THAT SHIT? shameless shameless 228 shameless 00:10:31,828 --> 00:10:34,096 shameless #NAME? shameless THEN YOU FIND A GUY- shameless shameless 229 shameless 00:10:34,164 --> 00:10:36,265 shameless "OH, LOOK AT HIS SHOES, WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. 230 00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:38,100 OH, LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF SHIT, 231 00:10:38,168 --> 00:10:40,569 HOPE HE DIES TODAY. OH, GOD, I HATE HIM." shameless shameless 232 shameless 00:10:40,637 --> 00:10:43,606 shameless I HATE HIM! shameless shameless 233 shameless 00:10:43,673 --> 00:10:44,773 shameless YOU WATCH ALL THE SHIT- shameless shameless 234 shameless 00:10:44,841 --> 00:10:46,275 shameless "YEAH, FILL THAT OUT, YOU FUCK FACE. 235 00:10:46,343 --> 00:10:48,777 FILL IT OUT. YEAH," shameless YOU FILLED IT OUT, I KNEW IT. shameless shameless 236 shameless 00:10:48,845 --> 00:10:50,813 shameless YOU SUCK." shameless shameless 237 shameless 00:10:52,349 --> 00:10:53,449 shameless HE'S JUST STANDING THERE, shameless shameless 238 shameless 00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:55,284 shameless HE HAS NO IDEA YOU'RE JUST shameless BOILING WITH HATE, shameless shameless 239 shameless 00:10:55,352 --> 00:10:57,987 shameless YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 240 shameless 00:11:00,357 --> 00:11:02,725 shameless #NAME? shameless SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, shameless shameless 241 shameless 00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,360 shameless LIKE, UH, I WAS shameless AT THE POST OFFICE, shameless shameless 242 shameless 00:11:04,427 --> 00:11:05,895 shameless AND I'M AT THE LINE-YOU KNOW, shameless IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGS shameless shameless 243 shameless 00:11:05,962 --> 00:11:07,563 shameless WHERE THERE'S A LONG LINE shameless AND 1 WINDOW OPEN. shameless shameless 244 shameless 00:11:07,631 --> 00:11:09,231 shameless SO EVERYONE IS shameless JUST LIKE, "AAH!" shameless shameless 245 shameless 00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:10,733 shameless EVERYONE'S MAD. shameless shameless 246 shameless 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,401 shameless BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE LINE, shameless YOU'RE IN THE HATE GROUP. shameless shameless 247 shameless 00:11:12,469 --> 00:11:14,403 shameless YOU GET TO BE PART OF THE GROUP, shameless AND YOU'RE ALL LOOKING shameless shameless 248 shameless 00:11:14,471 --> 00:11:16,739 shameless AT EACH OTHER GOING, shameless HUH, HUH... shameless shameless 249 shameless 00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:19,742 shameless HMM, LIKE A SILENT MOVIE shameless OF IMPATIENT PEOPLE, YOU KNOW. shameless shameless 250 shameless 00:11:28,151 --> 00:11:30,085 shameless THEN THERE'S ALWAYS 1 PERSON shameless WHO BREAKS THE SILENCE, shameless shameless 251 shameless 00:11:30,153 --> 00:11:31,220 shameless SOMEBODY WHO HAS AN IDEA, shameless YOU KNOW, LIKE- shameless shameless 252 shameless 00:11:31,288 --> 00:11:33,923 shameless "THEY SHOULD OPEN ANOTHER WINDOW." shameless shameless 253 shameless 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,093 shameless - AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE, shameless "YEAH, I KNOW, 254 00:11:38,161 --> 00:11:39,595 TOTALLY," shameless THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW. shameless shameless 255 shameless 00:11:39,663 --> 00:11:41,463 shameless THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW shameless HOW TO DO ANYTHING." shameless shameless 256 shameless 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,802 shameless - THEN THERE'S ALWAYS shameless AN OLD LADY WHO HAS A STORY. shameless shameless 257 shameless 00:11:46,870 --> 00:11:50,606 shameless I WAS HERE ON WEDNESDAY... shameless shameless 258 shameless 00:11:50,674 --> 00:11:53,776 shameless - "AND THERE WAS shameless ALSO A LINE LIKE THIS." shameless shameless 259 shameless 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:57,112 shameless HOLY SHIT, REALLY?! shameless shameless 260 shameless 00:11:57,180 --> 00:11:59,782 shameless OH, MY GOD, shameless YOU FUCKING OLD LADY, shameless shameless 261 shameless 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,584 shameless THAT'S AMAZING! shameless shameless 262 shameless 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,021 shameless - WELL, ANYWAY, THEN IT'S shameless YOUR TURN AT THE WINDOW, RIGHT? shameless shameless 263 shameless 00:12:06,089 --> 00:12:07,389 shameless AND NOW EVERYBODY'S shameless LOOKING AT YOU, shameless shameless 264 shameless 00:12:07,457 --> 00:12:08,891 shameless AND YOU FEEL THE SCRUTINY shameless shameless 265 shameless 00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:11,393 shameless OF HOW QUICKLY YOU'RE shameless MAILING YOUR SHIT, shameless shameless 266 shameless 00:12:11,461 --> 00:12:13,896 shameless YOU START REALIZING shameless HOW UNIMPORTANT YOUR PACKAGE IS, shameless shameless 267 shameless 00:12:13,964 --> 00:12:15,898 shameless AND YOU FEEL LIKE THEY CAN TELL. shameless "FUCK, GET OUT OF THERE. 268 00:12:15,966 --> 00:12:17,533 YOU DON'T NEED TO MAIL THAT RIGHT NOW." shameless shameless 269 shameless 00:12:17,601 --> 00:12:20,069 shameless AND IT'S LIKE... shameless shameless 270 shameless 00:12:20,136 --> 00:12:21,904 shameless - IF YOU DO 1 LITTLE shameless EXTRA THING LIKE, shameless shameless 271 shameless 00:12:21,972 --> 00:12:24,707 shameless "DO YOU HAVE THOSE STAMPS THAT HAVE JACKIE ROBINSON?" shameless shameless 272 shameless 00:12:24,774 --> 00:12:27,076 shameless BEHIND YOUR EAR, LIKE, shameless YOU HEAR, "PFFF, JESUS. shameless shameless 273 shameless 00:12:27,143 --> 00:12:29,745 shameless FUCK IT, DUDE." shameless shameless 274 shameless 00:12:29,813 --> 00:12:32,581 shameless THEY PUT THEIR SHIT DOWN shameless HEAVILY LIKE, "FUCK! shameless shameless 275 shameless 00:12:32,649 --> 00:12:37,086 shameless "NOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S GONNA MAKE ME STAND HERE 276 00:12:37,153 --> 00:12:39,922 WHILE HE BUYS FUCKING STAMPS" shameless AT THE POST OFFICE? shameless shameless 277 shameless 00:12:39,990 --> 00:12:42,758 shameless "ARE YOU SHITTING ME? 278 00:12:42,826 --> 00:12:44,927 LET'S SHIT IN HIS" shameless MOUTH RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY. shameless shameless 279 shameless 00:12:44,995 --> 00:12:46,762 shameless "LET'S-YOU FUCKING HOLD HIM DOWN, AND I WILL SHIT 280 00:12:46,830 --> 00:12:50,599 DIRECTLY INTO HIS FUCKING TIME-WASTING MOUTH." shameless shameless 281 shameless 00:12:57,173 --> 00:12:59,608 shameless - BUT ANYWAY, YEAH, shameless SO I WAS IN THE COFFEE PLACE, shameless shameless 282 shameless 00:12:59,676 --> 00:13:01,877 shameless UH, WITH THE YOUNG PEOPLE. shameless shameless 283 shameless 00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:05,547 shameless AND THEY'RE- shameless OOH, HEH, HEH, HEH, shameless shameless 284 shameless 00:13:05,615 --> 00:13:07,516 shameless AND I'M STANDING IN THE DOORWAY shameless JUST FANTASIZING ABOUT shameless shameless 285 shameless 00:13:07,584 --> 00:13:09,218 shameless WALKING AROUND JUST HITTING shameless THEIR CUPS TO THE FLOOR, shameless shameless 286 shameless 00:13:09,286 --> 00:13:11,053 shameless LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW. shameless shameless 287 shameless 00:13:13,423 --> 00:13:15,724 shameless BAGEL, AND COFFEE... shameless shameless 288 shameless 00:13:15,792 --> 00:13:17,559 shameless AND BAGEL... shameless shameless 289 shameless 00:13:17,627 --> 00:13:18,894 shameless HA HA HA. shameless shameless 290 shameless 00:13:18,962 --> 00:13:20,562 shameless AND I SEE THIS GUY, shameless HE'S LIKE 20 YEARS OLD, shameless shameless 291 shameless 00:13:20,630 --> 00:13:22,564 shameless AND HE HAS shameless THE "AWESOME POSSUM" SHIRT. shameless shameless 292 shameless 00:13:22,632 --> 00:13:23,766 shameless JUST LIKE MINE! shameless shameless 293 shameless 00:13:23,833 --> 00:13:25,067 shameless SO, I WENT LIKE THIS, shameless I WENT, LIKE, shameless shameless 294 shameless 00:13:25,135 --> 00:13:28,404 shameless HEY, NICE SHIRT. shameless shameless 295 shameless 00:13:28,471 --> 00:13:30,739 shameless AND HE WENT, "PFFF." shameless shameless 296 shameless 00:13:30,807 --> 00:13:34,076 shameless AND HE WALKED AWAY, shameless LIKE I'M A PIECE OF SHIT. shameless shameless 297 shameless 00:13:34,144 --> 00:13:35,577 shameless AND I STOOD THERE, shameless AND I WAS SO MAD, shameless shameless 298 shameless 00:13:35,645 --> 00:13:38,080 shameless I JUST THOUGHT, shameless "FUCK HIM, MAN. 299 00:13:38,148 --> 00:13:40,582 WE HAVE THE SAME SHIRT!" shameless shameless 300 shameless 00:13:40,650 --> 00:13:43,252 shameless IT'S AN UNUSUAL SHIRT. shameless shameless 301 shameless 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,755 shameless IT'S PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE shameless TO FUCKING DO THIS SHIT. shameless shameless 302 shameless 00:13:47,991 --> 00:13:49,758 shameless #NAME? shameless FEEL LIKE AN OLD FAG shameless shameless 303 shameless 00:13:49,826 --> 00:13:51,593 shameless JUST 'CAUSE I WANT shameless TO MAKE A CONNECTION shameless shameless 304 shameless 00:13:51,661 --> 00:13:53,429 shameless WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING? shameless shameless 305 shameless 00:13:53,496 --> 00:13:56,098 shameless IS HIS GENERATION shameless JUST TOO COOL AND IRONIC, shameless shameless 306 shameless 00:13:56,166 --> 00:13:59,101 shameless "EH, OOH, THAT'S LAME. THE OLDER GUY WANTED TO- 307 00:13:59,169 --> 00:14:00,269 OOH, HEH, EH." shameless shameless 308 shameless 00:14:00,337 --> 00:14:02,037 shameless FUCKING YOUNG CUNT, shameless I HOPE HE DIES. shameless shameless 309 shameless 00:14:02,105 --> 00:14:04,273 shameless LIKE, THAT'S HOW-THAT'S shameless HOW MAD I WAS. shameless shameless 310 shameless 00:14:07,110 --> 00:14:09,211 shameless - AND AS I'M STANDING THERE, shameless LIKE, IN THAT ANGER, shameless shameless 311 shameless 00:14:09,279 --> 00:14:11,213 shameless I LOOK DOWN AND I REALIZE shameless I'M NOT WEARING THE SHIRT, shameless shameless 312 shameless 00:14:11,281 --> 00:14:14,283 shameless I DON'T HAVE IT- shameless shameless 313 shameless 00:14:17,287 --> 00:14:19,221 shameless HA HA HA HA. shameless shameless 314 shameless 00:14:20,790 --> 00:14:24,059 shameless I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT shameless I DID, I JUST- shameless shameless 315 shameless 00:14:24,127 --> 00:14:27,696 shameless I SAW HIS, AND- shameless "DUH, ME TOO, DUH! 316 00:14:27,764 --> 00:14:29,631 DUH!" shameless shameless 317 shameless 00:14:33,937 --> 00:14:35,571 shameless HEY, THIS IS INTERESTING. shameless THE OTHER DAY, shameless shameless 318 shameless 00:14:35,638 --> 00:14:37,406 shameless A GUY TOLD ME shameless TO SUCK A BAG OF DICKS. shameless shameless 319 shameless 00:14:37,474 --> 00:14:38,907 shameless THAT WAS INTERESTING. shameless shameless 320 shameless 00:14:38,975 --> 00:14:40,743 shameless I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. shameless shameless 321 shameless 00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:44,413 shameless TOTAL STRANGER TOLD ME shameless TO SUCK A BAG OF DICKS. shameless shameless 322 shameless 00:14:45,815 --> 00:14:48,050 shameless A WHOLE BAG OF THEM! shameless shameless 323 shameless 00:14:51,154 --> 00:14:52,721 shameless HE WAS ANGRY, shameless HE DIDN'T JUST, shameless shameless 324 shameless 00:14:52,789 --> 00:14:54,256 shameless YOU KNOW, shameless SUCK A BAG OF DICKS, shameless shameless 325 shameless 00:14:54,324 --> 00:14:55,924 shameless LIKE A GREETING. shameless shameless 326 shameless 00:14:55,992 --> 00:14:57,593 shameless "OH, SUCK A BAG OF DICKS TO YOU, TOO, SIR, 327 00:14:57,660 --> 00:14:59,428 THANK YOU VERY MUCH." shameless shameless 328 shameless 00:14:59,496 --> 00:15:00,763 shameless YES. shameless shameless 329 shameless 00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:04,032 shameless IT'S A LOVELY DAY FOR shameless SUCKING SEVERAL BAGS OF DICKS. shameless shameless 330 shameless 00:15:06,436 --> 00:15:07,870 shameless HA HA. shameless shameless 331 shameless 00:15:07,937 --> 00:15:10,205 shameless NO, WHAT HAPPENED WAS, shameless I- I CUT HIM OFF IN TRAFFIC. shameless shameless 332 shameless 00:15:10,273 --> 00:15:11,507 shameless IT WAS JUST ONE OF shameless THOSE THINGS WHERE IT JUST- shameless shameless 333 shameless 00:15:11,574 --> 00:15:14,877 shameless I HAD TO GET IN, AND NO ONE shameless WAS IN MY CAR TO JUDGE ME, shameless shameless 334 shameless 00:15:14,944 --> 00:15:18,046 shameless AND I JUST FUCKING, YOU KNOW, shameless I JUST DECIDED- shameless shameless 335 shameless 00:15:18,114 --> 00:15:20,749 shameless HE'S NOT ME, SO I DON'T CARE shameless WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM, shameless shameless 336 shameless 00:15:20,817 --> 00:15:21,884 shameless AND I JUST CUT HIM OFF, shameless shameless 337 shameless 00:15:21,951 --> 00:15:23,719 shameless IT WAS JUST shameless A SHITTY THING TO DO. shameless shameless 338 shameless 00:15:23,787 --> 00:15:25,220 shameless AND IT WAS BAD, shameless shameless 339 shameless 00:15:25,288 --> 00:15:27,055 shameless 'CAUSE HE WAS COMING FAST shameless 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T IMAGINE shameless shameless 340 shameless 00:15:27,123 --> 00:15:30,025 shameless IN A MILLION YEARS SOMEONE shameless COULD BE THAT BIG OF AN ASSHOLE. shameless shameless 341 shameless 00:15:30,093 --> 00:15:32,561 shameless AND SO WHEN I DID IT, shameless HE HAD TO SLAM ON HIS BRAKES, shameless shameless 342 shameless 00:15:32,629 --> 00:15:34,396 shameless AND HIS DOG WENT PFF! shameless IN THE WINDSHIELD, shameless shameless 343 shameless 00:15:34,464 --> 00:15:37,065 shameless IT WAS REALLY VERY BAD. shameless shameless 344 shameless 00:15:37,133 --> 00:15:39,568 shameless #NAME? shameless AND THE WORST PART IS, shameless shameless 345 shameless 00:15:39,636 --> 00:15:41,403 shameless WHEN YOU CUT PEOPLE OFF, shameless THEY DON'T VANISH, shameless shameless 346 shameless 00:15:41,471 --> 00:15:44,072 shameless THEY'RE BEHIND YOU NOW, SO... shameless shameless 347 shameless 00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,741 shameless - LOOKING BACK AND HE'S LIKE, shameless FUCKING ASS! shameless shameless 348 shameless 00:15:45,809 --> 00:15:47,075 shameless AND HE'S SO MAD! shameless shameless 349 shameless 00:15:47,143 --> 00:15:48,577 shameless AND HE KEEPS TRYING shameless TO GET NEXT TO ME, shameless shameless 350 shameless 00:15:48,645 --> 00:15:50,078 shameless 'CAUSE HE JUST WANTS TO SEE shameless MY FUCKING FACE. shameless shameless 351 shameless 00:15:50,146 --> 00:15:51,046 shameless HE'S JUST DYING, shameless HE'S LIKE, shameless shameless 352 shameless 00:15:51,114 --> 00:15:52,414 shameless "I GOTTA SEE THIS COCKSUCKER, NOW. 353 00:15:52,482 --> 00:15:53,549 I GOTTA SEE THE FUCKING FACE 354 00:15:53,616 --> 00:15:55,417 OF THE PIECE OF SHIT THAT JUST DID THAT TO ME." shameless shameless 355 shameless 00:15:55,485 --> 00:15:56,752 shameless AND I KEEP CUTTING HIM OFF, shameless 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM shameless shameless 356 shameless 00:15:56,820 --> 00:15:59,455 shameless TO SEE I'M ASHAMED OF shameless WHAT I DID. shameless shameless 357 shameless 00:15:59,522 --> 00:16:02,424 shameless NO-NOPE YOU DON'T. shameless shameless 358 shameless 00:16:04,561 --> 00:16:07,362 shameless FINALLY WE GET TO A RED LIGHT, shameless AND I GOTTA FACE HIM, shameless shameless 359 shameless 00:16:07,430 --> 00:16:08,697 shameless ONLY 'CAUSE THERE'S shameless A CAR IN FRONT OF ME, shameless shameless 360 shameless 00:16:08,765 --> 00:16:11,533 shameless OTHERWISE I WOULD'VE FUCKING shameless BLOWN RIGHT THROUGH THERE. shameless shameless 361 shameless 00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:13,135 shameless BUT THERE HE IS, JUST- shameless shameless 362 shameless 00:16:13,203 --> 00:16:15,204 shameless RR-AAH! JUST FURIOUS. shameless shameless 363 shameless 00:16:15,271 --> 00:16:16,872 shameless AND I'M GOING, LIKE, shameless "YEAH, I KNOW, IT WAS AWFUL, 364 00:16:16,940 --> 00:16:18,707 I SHOULDN'T HAVE" shameless DONE IT. shameless shameless 365 shameless 00:16:18,775 --> 00:16:21,677 shameless I'M NOT MAD, I WAS WRONG, shameless WHY WOULD I BE MAD?" shameless shameless 366 shameless 00:16:21,744 --> 00:16:23,212 shameless AND HE'S LIKE, shameless WELL, FUCK YOU! shameless shameless 367 shameless 00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:24,379 shameless THEN HE STARTS GOING shameless LIKE THIS, shameless shameless 368 shameless 00:16:24,447 --> 00:16:26,582 shameless 'CAUSE HE WANTS ME TO ROLL shameless MY WINDOW DOWN. shameless shameless 369 shameless 00:16:26,649 --> 00:16:29,051 shameless LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE PART shameless IN MY OWN ABUSE, shameless shameless 370 shameless 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:30,219 shameless DURING THIS ARGUMENT. shameless shameless 371 shameless 00:16:30,286 --> 00:16:31,887 shameless "OH, I'M SORRY, I DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS. 372 00:16:31,955 --> 00:16:34,223 WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME, YES?" shameless shameless 373 shameless 00:16:36,292 --> 00:16:40,362 shameless - "HOW RUDE OF ME TO SHUT OUT shameless YOUR ANGER WITH MY-" shameless shameless 374 shameless 00:16:40,430 --> 00:16:42,731 shameless SO I DID, I ROLLED IT DOWN, shameless I'M INTERESTED. shameless shameless 375 shameless 00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:48,370 shameless - AND HE GOES, "HEY, ASSHOLE!" shameless I'M LIKE, "YEAH?" shameless shameless 376 shameless 00:16:48,438 --> 00:16:51,240 shameless HE SAYS, shameless SUCK A BAG OF DICKS! shameless shameless 377 shameless 00:16:56,479 --> 00:17:00,249 shameless THEN HE DROVE AWAY. shameless shameless 378 shameless 00:17:00,316 --> 00:17:02,351 shameless AND I WAS KIND OF SAD THAT HE shameless DROVE AWAY, BECAUSE shameless shameless 379 shameless 00:17:02,418 --> 00:17:05,621 shameless I HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS. shameless shameless 380 shameless 00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:09,992 shameless #NAME? shameless A BAG OF DICKS, shameless shameless 381 shameless 00:17:10,059 --> 00:17:12,027 shameless IT'S JUST WEIRD. shameless LIKE, FIRST OF ALL, shameless shameless 382 shameless 00:17:12,095 --> 00:17:13,862 shameless WHEN YOU PICTURE shameless A BAG OF DICKS... shameless shameless 383 shameless 00:17:15,598 --> 00:17:18,800 shameless #NAME? shameless YOU PICTURE A BAG OF DICKS? shameless shameless 384 shameless 00:17:18,868 --> 00:17:21,203 shameless IS IT LIKE A PLASTIC BAG shameless AND THEY'RE ALL MUSHING TOGETHER shameless shameless 385 shameless 00:17:21,271 --> 00:17:23,705 shameless LIKE CHICKEN PARTS- shameless shameless 386 shameless 00:17:23,773 --> 00:17:25,507 shameless #NAME? shameless WITH SHARPIE, shameless shameless 387 shameless 00:17:25,575 --> 00:17:27,876 shameless KEEP IT IN THE FREEZER. shameless shameless 388 shameless 00:17:27,944 --> 00:17:30,212 shameless OR IS IT, LIKE, A PAPER BAG shameless AND THEY'RE STICKING OUT shameless shameless 389 shameless 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,882 shameless LIKE BAGUETTES, KINDA LIKE? shameless YOU WENT SHOPPING- shameless shameless 390 shameless 00:17:33,950 --> 00:17:36,919 shameless BRINGING HOME THE BAG OF shameless DICKS FOR THE KIDS. shameless shameless 391 shameless 00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:43,492 shameless - HERE YOU GO, SUSIE, shameless TAKE A BLUE ONE, YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 392 shameless 00:17:44,794 --> 00:17:46,061 shameless HA HA HA, I DON'T KNOW, shameless THEY WERE HANGING shameless shameless 393 shameless 00:17:46,129 --> 00:17:49,131 shameless IN A WINDOW SOMEWHERE, shameless GIVE ME 2 OF THOSE. shameless shameless 394 shameless 00:17:51,301 --> 00:17:53,068 shameless AND HOW DO YOU shameless SUCK A BAG OF DICKS? shameless shameless 395 shameless 00:17:53,136 --> 00:17:54,403 shameless WHAT DOES HE WANT shameless ME TO DO? shameless shameless 396 shameless 00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:55,737 shameless DOES HE WANT ME TO TAKE shameless A BAG OF DICKS shameless shameless 397 shameless 00:17:55,805 --> 00:17:58,206 shameless AND SUCK IT-LIKE SUCK shameless THE SIDE OF THE BAG? shameless shameless 398 shameless 00:17:58,274 --> 00:18:00,576 shameless OR DO-DOES HE WANT shameless ME TO OPEN THE BAG shameless shameless 399 shameless 00:18:00,643 --> 00:18:02,678 shameless AND SUCK EACH DICK INDIVIDUALLY? shameless shameless 400 shameless 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,515 shameless #NAME? shameless LIKE EDAMAME SHELLS? shameless shameless 401 shameless 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:08,517 shameless LIKE THAT? shameless shameless 402 shameless 00:18:13,756 --> 00:18:16,358 shameless #NAME? shameless COME? YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW- shameless shameless 403 shameless 00:18:22,665 --> 00:18:24,199 shameless - I DON'T KNOW, I NEVER shameless EVEN SUCKED 1 DICK, shameless shameless 404 shameless 00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:25,667 shameless SO IT'S NOT AN AREA shameless THAT I UNDERSTAND. shameless shameless 405 shameless 00:18:25,735 --> 00:18:27,369 shameless I'VE NEVER-I'VE NEVER shameless SUCKED A DICK. shameless shameless 406 shameless 00:18:27,437 --> 00:18:29,538 shameless ISN'T THAT WEIRD? shameless I'VE NEVER SUCKED A DICK. shameless shameless 407 shameless 00:18:29,606 --> 00:18:31,440 shameless MY WHOLE LIFE. shameless shameless 408 shameless 00:18:31,507 --> 00:18:33,375 shameless THAT'S WEIRD TO ME. shameless shameless 409 shameless 00:18:34,911 --> 00:18:37,379 shameless IT IS, IT'S WEIRD. shameless shameless 410 shameless 00:18:37,447 --> 00:18:39,681 shameless BECAUSE ALMOST EVERYBODY shameless HAS SUCKED A DICK. shameless shameless 411 shameless 00:18:39,749 --> 00:18:41,550 shameless WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, shameless MOST PEOPLE ON EARTH shameless shameless 412 shameless 00:18:41,618 --> 00:18:42,884 shameless SUCK DICKS. shameless IT'S TRUE. shameless shameless 413 shameless 00:18:42,952 --> 00:18:45,053 shameless BECAUSE 51% OF shameless THE POPULATION ARE WOMEN, shameless shameless 414 shameless 00:18:45,121 --> 00:18:47,022 shameless AND THEY SUCK DICKS, shameless THEN THERE'S ALL THE GAY GUYS shameless shameless 415 shameless 00:18:47,090 --> 00:18:48,724 shameless THAT SUCK DICKS, shameless THEN THERE'S ALL shameless shameless 416 shameless 00:18:48,791 --> 00:18:50,726 shameless THE STRAIGHT GUYS WHO HAVE BEEN shameless FORCED TO SUCK A DICK shameless shameless 417 shameless 00:18:50,793 --> 00:18:52,728 shameless UNDER VARIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES, shameless shameless 418 shameless 00:18:52,795 --> 00:18:54,396 shameless SO, WHAT, shameless THERE'S ONLY LIKE shameless shameless 419 shameless 00:18:54,464 --> 00:18:57,032 shameless A THOUSAND OF US shameless OUT THERE WHO'VE- shameless shameless 420 shameless 00:18:57,100 --> 00:19:00,736 shameless NEVER BLEW ANYONE. shameless shameless 421 shameless 00:19:00,803 --> 00:19:03,005 shameless JUST A BUNCH OF SELFISH shameless ASSHOLES THAT ARE FUCKIN' shameless shameless 422 shameless 00:19:03,072 --> 00:19:06,575 shameless GETTIN' BLOWN AND NOT shameless BLOWING BACK, YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 423 shameless 00:19:08,077 --> 00:19:09,678 shameless IT'S LIKE, THAT'S WHAT shameless PEOPLE DO, shameless shameless 424 shameless 00:19:09,746 --> 00:19:13,348 shameless WE ALL FUCKIN' SUCK DICKS AND shameless I HAVEN'T DONE IT, AND- shameless shameless 425 shameless 00:19:13,416 --> 00:19:15,484 shameless I DON'T HAVE, LIKE, shameless A BIG REASON NOT TO, EITHER. shameless shameless 426 shameless 00:19:15,551 --> 00:19:17,853 shameless I DON'T HAVE A POLICY shameless AGAINST SUCKING A DICK, shameless shameless 427 shameless 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,188 shameless IT'S NOT SOMETHING shameless I'M AGAINST DOING, shameless shameless 428 shameless 00:19:20,256 --> 00:19:22,524 shameless I JUST HAVE NEVER SEEN A DICK shameless I WANTED TO SUCK. shameless shameless 429 shameless 00:19:22,592 --> 00:19:24,026 shameless THAT'S REALLY WHAT IT shameless COMES DOWN TO. shameless shameless 430 shameless 00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:27,529 shameless I'VE NEVER SEEN A PENIS shameless THAT INSPIRED ME TO SUCK IT. shameless shameless 431 shameless 00:19:27,597 --> 00:19:29,531 shameless EVERY DICK I'VE EVER shameless SEEN HAS BUMMED ME OUT, shameless shameless 432 shameless 00:19:29,599 --> 00:19:31,867 shameless I HATE 'EM, I-I HATE THEM. shameless shameless 433 shameless 00:19:31,934 --> 00:19:33,702 shameless THEY RUIN MY DAY shameless WHEN I SEE THEM, shameless shameless 434 shameless 00:19:33,770 --> 00:19:36,872 shameless BUT THAT'S JUST SO FAR. shameless shameless 435 shameless 00:19:36,939 --> 00:19:38,206 shameless - I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK shameless DO I KNOW? shameless shameless 436 shameless 00:19:38,274 --> 00:19:40,008 shameless THERE MIGHT BE THE-THIS shameless GUY RIGHT HERE MIGHT HAVE shameless shameless 437 shameless 00:19:40,076 --> 00:19:41,543 shameless A BEAUTIFUL DICK, shameless THIS GUY- shameless shameless 438 shameless 00:19:41,611 --> 00:19:43,378 shameless IF I SAW HIS DICK... shameless - WOO! shameless shameless 439 shameless 00:19:43,446 --> 00:19:44,880 shameless - I MIGHT GO, "OH, shameless FUCK, THAT SHIT'S GOING shameless shameless 440 shameless 00:19:44,947 --> 00:19:48,050 shameless IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW," shameless AND I'D JUST FUCKING- shameless shameless 441 shameless 00:19:48,117 --> 00:19:50,519 shameless AND I'D HAVE TO BLOW HIM. shameless shameless 442 shameless 00:19:50,586 --> 00:19:52,688 shameless #NAME? shameless DOWN AND BLOW HIM. shameless shameless 443 shameless 00:19:52,755 --> 00:19:55,057 shameless THAT'S THE KINDA-I WOULD, shameless LIKE, RAPE BLOW PEOPLE, shameless shameless 444 shameless 00:19:55,124 --> 00:19:56,725 shameless THAT'S WHAT I WOULD-LIKE, shameless HOLD THE GUY DOWN shameless shameless 445 shameless 00:19:56,793 --> 00:19:58,226 shameless AND BLOW HIM TO SPITE HIM. shameless shameless 446 shameless 00:19:58,294 --> 00:19:59,561 shameless THAT'S THE KIND OF SHIT shameless I WOULD DO. shameless shameless 447 shameless 00:19:59,629 --> 00:20:01,396 shameless JUST TO, YOU KNOW... shameless shameless 448 shameless 00:20:03,466 --> 00:20:04,900 shameless - I'M JUST SAYING shameless I'M NOT PREJUDICED. shameless shameless 449 shameless 00:20:04,967 --> 00:20:06,735 shameless I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MANY, shameless THERE'S BILLIONS- shameless shameless 450 shameless 00:20:06,803 --> 00:20:08,070 shameless LITERALLY, BILLIONS shameless OF DICKS IN THE WORLD, shameless shameless 451 shameless 00:20:08,137 --> 00:20:09,571 shameless AND I'VE SEEN, shameless LIKE, 40 AT THE MOST, shameless shameless 452 shameless 00:20:09,639 --> 00:20:11,406 shameless SO HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW? shameless shameless 453 shameless 00:20:11,474 --> 00:20:12,908 shameless WHAT, IS THAT TOO MANY? shameless shameless 454 shameless 00:20:12,975 --> 00:20:15,544 shameless - HA HA, YEAH, shameless THAT'S TOO MANY, RIGHT? shameless shameless 455 shameless 00:20:15,611 --> 00:20:17,913 shameless 40, JESUS CHRIST. shameless shameless 456 shameless 00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:20,749 shameless I'M ONLY 39, THAT'S A DICK shameless A YEAR PLUS ANOTHER ONE. shameless shameless 457 shameless 00:20:20,817 --> 00:20:22,584 shameless WHY AM I SAYING 40? shameless shameless 458 shameless 00:20:22,652 --> 00:20:25,153 shameless THAT'S A LOT. shameless shameless 459 shameless 00:20:25,221 --> 00:20:27,589 shameless THAT'S LIKE 2 BAGS shameless OF DICKS RIGHT THERE, shameless shameless 460 shameless 00:20:27,657 --> 00:20:30,058 shameless AT LEAST, 40 DICKS? shameless ALL RIGHT. shameless shameless 461 shameless 00:20:33,162 --> 00:20:35,430 shameless #NAME? shameless PEOPLE, UH, UH- shameless shameless 462 shameless 00:20:35,498 --> 00:20:37,099 shameless JUDGING PEOPLE shameless FOR THE WAY THEY HAVE SEX. shameless shameless 463 shameless 00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:39,601 shameless SOME PEOPLE GET ANGRY AT shameless HOMOSEXUALS JUST FOR BEING GAY, shameless shameless 464 shameless 00:20:39,669 --> 00:20:41,103 shameless THEY GET MAD AT THEM, URR! shameless shameless 465 shameless 00:20:41,170 --> 00:20:43,238 shameless I NEVER REALLY shameless UNDERSTOOD THAT, YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 466 shameless 00:20:43,306 --> 00:20:44,940 shameless BECAUSE THEY'RE JUST shameless HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER. shameless shameless 467 shameless 00:20:45,007 --> 00:20:46,441 shameless IT'S NOT-LIKE I COULD shameless UNDERSTAND IF GAY PEOPLE shameless shameless 468 shameless 00:20:46,509 --> 00:20:47,442 shameless WERE JUST RUNNING OUT shameless IN THE STREETS JUST shameless shameless 469 shameless 00:20:47,510 --> 00:20:49,277 shameless FUCKING PEOPLE IN shameless THE ASS WILLY-NILLY, shameless shameless 470 shameless 00:20:49,345 --> 00:20:50,946 shameless JUST LIKE A PESTILENCE. shameless shameless 471 shameless 00:20:51,013 --> 00:20:53,281 shameless LIKE, WITHOUT ASKING, shameless YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 472 shameless 00:20:53,349 --> 00:20:55,250 shameless LIKE YOU'RE AT THE ATM, shameless "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK? 473 00:20:55,318 --> 00:20:57,619 JESUS, GOD DAMN IT." shameless shameless 474 shameless 00:20:57,687 --> 00:20:59,621 shameless "SOME FAGGOT JUST FUCKED ME RIGHT IN THE ASS. 475 00:20:59,689 --> 00:21:01,623 SERIOUSLY!" shameless shameless 476 shameless 00:21:01,691 --> 00:21:05,026 shameless "FUCKING RIGHT THROUGH MY PANTS, HE FUCKING RUINED MY NEW PANTS. 477 00:21:05,094 --> 00:21:07,062 THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT." shameless shameless 478 shameless 00:21:07,130 --> 00:21:08,563 shameless - "ANOTHER ONE- shameless GOD DAMN IT! shameless shameless 479 shameless 00:21:08,631 --> 00:21:11,399 shameless I GOTTA GET THE FUCK HOME. shameless THIS IS RIDICULOUS." shameless shameless 480 shameless 00:21:16,139 --> 00:21:17,906 shameless #NAME? shameless DON'T DO THAT, shameless shameless 481 shameless 00:21:17,974 --> 00:21:20,242 shameless SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT shameless THE FUCKING PROBLEM IS. shameless shameless 482 shameless 00:21:20,309 --> 00:21:21,576 shameless PEOPLE GET MAD. shameless THEY DON'T WANT THEM TO GET- shameless shameless 483 shameless 00:21:21,644 --> 00:21:22,744 shameless DON'T GET MARRIED. shameless shameless 484 shameless 00:21:22,812 --> 00:21:24,079 shameless WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO shameless GO TO THE WEDDING. shameless shameless 485 shameless 00:21:24,147 --> 00:21:25,914 shameless WHAT THE FUCK? YOU DON'T HAVE shameless TO BUY THEM ANYTHING. shameless shameless 486 shameless 00:21:25,982 --> 00:21:26,915 shameless IT DOESN'T MATTER. shameless SOME PEOPLE GO, LIKE, shameless shameless 487 shameless 00:21:26,983 --> 00:21:28,750 shameless "WELL, THEN A GUY WILL MARRY HIS DOG." shameless shameless 488 shameless 00:21:28,818 --> 00:21:30,752 shameless GOOD, FUCKING-I HOPE shameless HE BLOWS HIS DOG- shameless shameless 489 shameless 00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:34,089 shameless WHO GIVES A SHIT? shameless IT DOESN'T MATTER. shameless shameless 490 shameless 00:21:34,157 --> 00:21:36,424 shameless IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY EFFECT shameless ON YOUR LIFE. shameless shameless 491 shameless 00:21:36,492 --> 00:21:38,393 shameless WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CARE? shameless OR PEOPLE THAT TRY shameless shameless 492 shameless 00:21:38,461 --> 00:21:40,562 shameless TO THINK-TALK LIKE shameless IT'S A SOCIAL ISSUE. shameless shameless 493 shameless 00:21:40,630 --> 00:21:43,098 shameless LIKE WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE shameless STAND UP IN A TALK SHOW shameless shameless 494 shameless 00:21:43,166 --> 00:21:46,434 shameless AND SAY, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO shameless EXPLAIN TO MY CHILD... shameless shameless 495 shameless 00:21:46,502 --> 00:21:48,470 shameless THAT 2 MEN ARE shameless GETTING MARRIED?" shameless shameless 496 shameless 00:21:48,538 --> 00:21:50,939 shameless I DON'T KNOW, IT'S YOUR SHITTY shameless KID, YOU FUCKING TELL THEM. shameless shameless 497 shameless 00:21:51,007 --> 00:21:54,609 shameless WHY IS THAT- shameless YONE ELSE'S PROBLEM? shameless shameless 498 shameless 00:21:54,677 --> 00:21:56,111 shameless 2 GUYS ARE IN LOVE shameless BUT THEY CAN'T GET MARRIED shameless shameless 499 shameless 00:21:56,179 --> 00:21:57,779 shameless 'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK shameless TO YOUR UGLY CHILD shameless shameless 500 shameless 00:21:57,847 --> 00:22:00,448 shameless FOR FUCKING 5 MINUTES? shameless shameless 501 shameless 00:22:00,516 --> 00:22:02,050 shameless #NAME? shameless YOUR SHITTY KID? shameless shameless 502 shameless 00:22:02,118 --> 00:22:03,852 shameless HE'S PROBABLY shameless A FAGGOT ANYWAY. shameless shameless 503 shameless 00:22:05,788 --> 00:22:08,056 shameless #NAME? shameless ALL RIGHT. shameless shameless 504 shameless 00:22:12,628 --> 00:22:14,930 shameless STUPID. shameless shameless 505 shameless 00:22:16,132 --> 00:22:17,399 shameless I DON'T KNOW. shameless shameless 506 shameless 00:22:17,466 --> 00:22:19,901 shameless THE ONLY, UM, THING THAT shameless BUMS ME OUT, THOUGH, shameless shameless 507 shameless 00:22:19,969 --> 00:22:21,570 shameless IS THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED shameless TO LAUGH AT GAY PEOPLE shameless shameless 508 shameless 00:22:21,637 --> 00:22:23,572 shameless WHEN THEY'RE FUNNY. shameless 'CAUSE SOMETIMES THEY JUST ARE. shameless shameless 509 shameless 00:22:23,639 --> 00:22:25,574 shameless THEY'RE FUNNY, LIKE, shameless I LIVED IN NEW YORK shameless shameless 510 shameless 00:22:25,641 --> 00:22:26,908 shameless FOR A LOT OF MY LIFE, shameless AND IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, shameless shameless 511 shameless 00:22:26,976 --> 00:22:28,710 shameless EVERYBODY WAS GAY, shameless AND-AND, YOU KNOW, SOME GUYS shameless shameless 512 shameless 00:22:28,778 --> 00:22:30,579 shameless ARE JUST A GUY shameless WALKING DOWN THE STREET, shameless shameless 513 shameless 00:22:30,646 --> 00:22:32,581 shameless BUT SOME GAY GUYS ARE A GUY shameless IN LITTLE SHORTS shameless shameless 514 shameless 00:22:32,648 --> 00:22:34,749 shameless AND A HALF SHIRT, shameless AND, YOU KNOW, shameless shameless 515 shameless 00:22:34,817 --> 00:22:38,086 shameless COMBAT BOOTS shameless SPRAY-PAINTED GREEN, shameless shameless 516 shameless 00:22:38,154 --> 00:22:39,921 shameless AND A WHISTLE, AND HE'S shameless STANDING ON THE CORNER GOING, shameless shameless 517 shameless 00:22:39,989 --> 00:22:42,424 shameless "HELLO! IT'S FUCKING HOT OUTSIDE." shameless shameless 518 shameless 00:22:42,491 --> 00:22:44,259 shameless THAT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE. shameless shameless 519 shameless 00:22:44,327 --> 00:22:46,761 shameless THOSE GUYS FUCKING EXIST shameless BY THE THOUSANDS. shameless shameless 520 shameless 00:22:46,829 --> 00:22:49,397 shameless AND WHEN I SEE THEM shameless I LAUGH REALLY LOUD, shameless shameless 521 shameless 00:22:49,465 --> 00:22:51,066 shameless I JUST DO. shameless shameless 522 shameless 00:22:51,133 --> 00:22:52,434 shameless AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE, shameless shameless 523 shameless 00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:53,935 shameless "DON'T LAUGH AT HIM 'CAUSE HE'S GAY." shameless shameless 524 shameless 00:22:54,003 --> 00:22:55,770 shameless NO, I'M NOT, I'M LAUGHING shameless 'CAUSE HE'S FUCKING shameless shameless 525 shameless 00:22:55,838 --> 00:22:58,573 shameless WEIRD AND SILLY! shameless HE'S HILARIOUS. shameless shameless 526 shameless 00:23:00,509 --> 00:23:01,877 shameless #NAME? shameless SUPPOSED TO REACT? shameless shameless 527 shameless 00:23:01,944 --> 00:23:03,044 shameless HELLO! shameless shameless 528 shameless 00:23:03,112 --> 00:23:06,381 shameless OH, HELLO, HELLO, YES? shameless shameless 529 shameless 00:23:06,449 --> 00:23:11,219 shameless SERIOUSNESS IS-YES. shameless shameless 530 shameless 00:23:11,287 --> 00:23:13,521 shameless IT'S STUPID. shameless shameless 531 shameless 00:23:14,957 --> 00:23:17,893 shameless THE ONLY-ACTUALLY, THE ONE GUY shameless I WOULD BLOW, UH- shameless shameless 532 shameless 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,561 shameless BASED ON- shameless shameless 533 shameless 00:23:19,629 --> 00:23:21,429 shameless BASED ON WHO HE IS, shameless shameless 534 shameless 00:23:21,497 --> 00:23:24,900 shameless IS EWAN McGREGOR. THERE IS THIS shameless ONE GUY OUT THERE, shameless shameless 535 shameless 00:23:24,967 --> 00:23:27,903 shameless I GOTTA SAY, THAT I HAVE shameless NO GAY INCLINATIONS shameless shameless 536 shameless 00:23:27,970 --> 00:23:31,239 shameless EXCEPT FOR I MET THIS shameless FUCKING DUDE IN PERSON, shameless shameless 537 shameless 00:23:31,307 --> 00:23:32,741 shameless I WAS WORKING shameless ON SOME AWARDS SHOW, shameless shameless 538 shameless 00:23:32,808 --> 00:23:34,075 shameless AND THERE HE'S shameless STANDING, RIGHT THERE, shameless shameless 539 shameless 00:23:34,143 --> 00:23:37,078 shameless AND I WAS LIKE, FUCK! LIKE, shameless I WAS JUST BLOWN AWAY. shameless shameless 540 shameless 00:23:37,146 --> 00:23:39,748 shameless LIKE, JESUS CHRIST, shameless HE'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! shameless shameless 541 shameless 00:23:41,150 --> 00:23:42,751 shameless - AND HE LOOKED AT ME, shameless AND HEAS LIKE, "HELLO." shameless shameless 542 shameless 00:23:42,818 --> 00:23:44,386 shameless AND I WAS LIKE- shameless I FUCKING SHIVERED, shameless shameless 543 shameless 00:23:44,453 --> 00:23:47,255 shameless LIKE, I STARTED SHIVERING, shameless LIKE, FUCK! shameless shameless 544 shameless 00:23:47,323 --> 00:23:50,258 shameless HE'S FUCKIN' GORGEOUS. shameless shameless 545 shameless 00:23:50,326 --> 00:23:52,260 shameless - AND LIKE A WEEK LATER, shameless I WAS JUST-I WAS, LIKE, shameless shameless 546 shameless 00:23:52,328 --> 00:23:53,762 shameless STARING OFF INTO SPACE shameless SOMEWHERE, AND I REALIZED- shameless shameless 547 shameless 00:23:53,829 --> 00:23:57,132 shameless FUCK! I WAS JUST DAYDREAMING shameless ABOUT EWAN McGREGOR! shameless shameless 548 shameless 00:24:00,836 --> 00:24:02,871 shameless - LIKE, SERIOUSLY, I'M NOT GAY shameless IN ANY OTHER WAY shameless shameless 549 shameless 00:24:02,939 --> 00:24:04,706 shameless EXCEPT FOR I WANT TOUCK shameless THAT GUY RIGHT IN THE FACE, shameless shameless 550 shameless 00:24:04,774 --> 00:24:07,142 shameless I TOTALLY WANT shameless TO FUCK HIS FACE. shameless shameless 551 shameless 00:24:07,209 --> 00:24:09,210 shameless I WANT TO FUCK THE SHIT shameless OUT OF HIS FACE. shameless shameless 552 shameless 00:24:09,278 --> 00:24:12,547 shameless I WANT HIM TO FUCKE. shameless I DO, I WANT HIM TO FUCK ME. shameless shameless 553 shameless 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:18,620 shameless OH. shameless shameless 554 shameless 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,694 shameless I DON'T REALLY HAVE A SHOT shameless WITH HIM, I THINK, shameless shameless 555 shameless 00:24:25,761 --> 00:24:27,295 shameless BECAUSE- shameless shameless 556 shameless 00:24:27,363 --> 00:24:29,898 shameless HA HA HA HA! shameless shameless 557 shameless 00:24:29,966 --> 00:24:32,534 shameless I JUST DON'T RAPE shameless MOVIE STARS, I'M NOT REALLY- shameless shameless 558 shameless 00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,736 shameless I'M FUCKING FAT. shameless shameless 559 shameless 00:24:34,804 --> 00:24:35,904 shameless IT'S RIDIC-LIKE, shameless I EVEN WEAR- shameless shameless 560 shameless 00:24:35,972 --> 00:24:37,906 shameless LIKE, I HAVE THIS shameless PROBLEM NOW, MY PANTS KEEP- shameless shameless 561 shameless 00:24:37,974 --> 00:24:39,741 shameless LIKE, I CAN'T KEEP THEM- shameless THEY WON'T STAY UP, shameless shameless 562 shameless 00:24:39,809 --> 00:24:41,209 shameless BECAUSE-HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS. shameless shameless 563 shameless 00:24:41,277 --> 00:24:43,244 shameless OK, YOU GET FAT, AND SOME OF shameless YOU SKINNY PEOPLE- shameless shameless 564 shameless 00:24:43,312 --> 00:24:44,446 shameless WON'T-I DON'T shameless GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, shameless shameless 565 shameless 00:24:44,513 --> 00:24:46,915 shameless WON'T GET THIS. shameless I HATE SKINNY PEOPLE BECAUSE shameless shameless 566 shameless 00:24:46,983 --> 00:24:48,917 shameless THEY DON'T EMPATHIZE WITH shameless FAT GUY PROBLEMS. shameless shameless 567 shameless 00:24:48,985 --> 00:24:50,752 shameless THEY JUST DON'T-LIKE, YOU EVER shameless HAVE A SKINNY FRIEND, shameless shameless 568 shameless 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:53,421 shameless YOUR TRYING TO TELL THEM, LIKE, shameless I JUST-I JUST WISH shameless shameless 569 shameless 00:24:53,489 --> 00:24:55,423 shameless I COULD HAVE 1 DONUT shameless AND FUCKING WALK AWAY, shameless shameless 570 shameless 00:24:55,491 --> 00:24:57,092 shameless I WISH I COULD DO THAT, shameless I WISH I HAD THE POWER shameless shameless 571 shameless 00:24:57,159 --> 00:24:59,094 shameless TO EAT A DONUT, AND... shameless shameless 572 shameless 00:24:59,161 --> 00:25:00,595 shameless AND YOUR shameless SKINNY FRIEND'S LIKE- shameless shameless 573 shameless 00:25:00,663 --> 00:25:03,031 shameless WELL, JUST EAT THE DONUT, shameless THEN, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? shameless shameless 574 shameless 00:25:03,099 --> 00:25:04,532 shameless YOU SHOULD TOTALLY... shameless shameless 575 shameless 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:05,867 shameless #NAME? shameless YOU WANT ONE, shameless shameless 576 shameless 00:25:05,935 --> 00:25:08,036 shameless YOU SHOULD TOTALLY shameless GO AHEAD AND HAVE ONE. shameless shameless 577 shameless 00:25:08,104 --> 00:25:11,706 shameless JUST ENJOY YOURSELF, shameless HAVE A DONUT IF YOU LIKE THEM. shameless shameless 578 shameless 00:25:11,774 --> 00:25:14,376 shameless FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T GET IT. shameless IT'S A WHOLE- shameless shameless 579 shameless 00:25:14,443 --> 00:25:16,044 shameless SPIRAL THAT BEGINS shameless WITH THE DONUT, shameless shameless 580 shameless 00:25:16,112 --> 00:25:17,379 shameless LATER I'M KILLING HOOKERS, shameless shameless 581 shameless 00:25:17,446 --> 00:25:19,714 shameless I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER shameless WHAT HAPPENED. shameless shameless 582 shameless 00:25:24,453 --> 00:25:25,553 shameless - BUT, SO, shameless HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS. shameless shameless 583 shameless 00:25:25,621 --> 00:25:28,056 shameless YOU GET FAT, AND YOUR PANTS shameless START TO GET TIGHT. shameless shameless 584 shameless 00:25:28,124 --> 00:25:30,058 shameless RIGHT? AND THEN shameless YOU GET FATTER, shameless shameless 585 shameless 00:25:30,126 --> 00:25:32,060 shameless 'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE, shameless OH, I'LL STOP EATING NOW, shameless shameless 586 shameless 00:25:32,128 --> 00:25:34,062 shameless YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 587 shameless 00:25:34,130 --> 00:25:36,731 shameless - AND THEN SUDDENLY, shameless ALL YOUR PANTS FUCKING HURT. shameless shameless 588 shameless 00:25:36,799 --> 00:25:38,566 shameless LIKE, EVERY shameless PAIR OF PANTS HURTS. shameless shameless 589 shameless 00:25:38,634 --> 00:25:40,068 shameless AND THEN YOU EAT EVEN MORE, shameless 'CAUSE IT'S LIKE, shameless shameless 590 shameless 00:25:40,136 --> 00:25:42,871 shameless "FUCK IT NOW, MAN, WHO EVEN CARES?" shameless shameless 591 shameless 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:48,743 shameless #NAME? shameless FUCKING OBSESSED WITH FOOD. shameless shameless 592 shameless 00:25:48,811 --> 00:25:51,079 shameless I WENT TO THIS FUCKING, shameless UH, UH, THING WITH shameless shameless 593 shameless 00:25:51,147 --> 00:25:53,048 shameless MY WIFE AND KIDS shameless WHERE IT WAS LIKE shameless shameless 594 shameless 00:25:53,115 --> 00:25:55,583 shameless THE KIDS AND THEIR KID FRIENDS shameless AND IT'S JUST A HOUSE shameless shameless 595 shameless 00:25:55,651 --> 00:25:58,086 shameless FULL OF ASSHOLES, YOU KNOW, shameless THAT HAVE KIDS. shameless shameless 596 shameless 00:25:58,154 --> 00:25:59,087 shameless AND I'M JUST STANDING THERE, shameless shameless 597 shameless 00:25:59,155 --> 00:26:01,256 shameless "FUCK IT, I JUST WANT TO KILL MYSELF." shameless shameless 598 shameless 00:26:01,323 --> 00:26:03,191 shameless I JUST WANT A BOMB TO DROP shameless ON THE WHOLE HOUSE shameless shameless 599 shameless 00:26:03,259 --> 00:26:05,527 shameless AND TAKE US ALL OUT. shameless shameless 600 shameless 00:26:05,594 --> 00:26:07,695 shameless AND I GET IN THERE, BUT THEN shameless THERE'S A PLATE OF COOKIES. shameless shameless 601 shameless 00:26:07,763 --> 00:26:09,697 shameless AND, LIKE, AS SOON AS I'M LIKE, shameless THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING, shameless shameless 602 shameless 00:26:09,765 --> 00:26:11,533 shameless I'M EATING EVERY FUCKING shameless COOKIE ON THAT PLATE. shameless shameless 603 shameless 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,368 shameless THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE-THAT'S shameless WHAT THIS ALL IS, shameless shameless 604 shameless 00:26:13,436 --> 00:26:16,704 shameless IS FUCKING THAT. shameless shameless 605 shameless 00:26:16,772 --> 00:26:19,007 shameless SO-AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE shameless A STRATEGY, YOU KNOW. shameless shameless 606 shameless 00:26:19,075 --> 00:26:20,542 shameless YOU CAN'T JUST FUCKING, UH, shameless YOU CAN'T JUST shameless shameless 607 shameless 00:26:20,609 --> 00:26:23,211 shameless FUCKING STAND THERE shameless AND JUST FUCKING- shameless shameless 608 shameless 00:26:24,947 --> 00:26:27,048 shameless - YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, SORT OF shameless KEEP REDISCOVERING shameless shameless 609 shameless 00:26:27,116 --> 00:26:28,716 shameless THE COOKIES, YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 610 shameless 00:26:28,784 --> 00:26:31,920 shameless YOU HAVE TO WALK OVER, shameless GO LIKE, "OH, HEY... " shameless shameless 611 shameless 00:26:33,556 --> 00:26:36,558 shameless - SO, WHO BROUGHT THOSE? shameless THAT'S COOL... shameless shameless 612 shameless 00:26:36,625 --> 00:26:38,393 shameless YOU DO THIS, shameless THIS MEANS, LIKE, shameless shameless 613 shameless 00:26:38,461 --> 00:26:40,895 shameless I TOTALLY COULD NOT EAT IT, shameless BUT FUCK IT, I'LL JUST- shameless shameless 614 shameless 00:26:40,963 --> 00:26:42,564 shameless DON'T WANT TO HURT shameless THE PEOPLE'S FEELINGS shameless shameless 615 shameless 00:26:42,631 --> 00:26:43,998 shameless WHO BROUGHT THE COOKIES. shameless shameless 616 shameless 00:26:44,066 --> 00:26:46,901 shameless MM, THAT'S INTERESTING, shameless I COULD TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. shameless shameless 617 shameless 00:26:46,969 --> 00:26:49,838 shameless TOTALLY FUCKING RADAR shameless BACK THERE. shameless shameless 618 shameless 00:26:49,905 --> 00:26:52,407 shameless OK, NEW PEOPLE AROUND THE DISH, shameless DO IT AGAIN-"HEY... " shameless shameless 619 shameless 00:26:59,815 --> 00:27:01,683 shameless - IF PEOPLE START NOTICING, shameless YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE, shameless shameless 620 shameless 00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:03,351 shameless "THESE ARE CRAZY, LIKE, I'M ADDIC- 621 00:27:03,419 --> 00:27:05,186 I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT THEM." shameless shameless 622 shameless 00:27:05,254 --> 00:27:06,688 shameless YEAH, IT'S THE FUCKING shameless COOKIES, shameless shameless 623 shameless 00:27:06,755 --> 00:27:07,856 shameless IT'S NOT shameless "YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT 624 00:27:07,923 --> 00:27:09,858 THAT CAN'T STOP EATING ANYTHING." shameless shameless 625 shameless 00:27:09,925 --> 00:27:11,759 shameless BUT, UM... shameless shameless 626 shameless 00:27:14,063 --> 00:27:15,363 shameless SO HERE'S shameless WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH, shameless shameless 627 shameless 00:27:15,431 --> 00:27:17,365 shameless YOU GET FAT ENOUGH, THOUGH, shameless WHAT HAPPENS IS shameless shameless 628 shameless 00:27:17,433 --> 00:27:19,367 shameless YOUR BELLY STARTS shameless TO PUSH OUT LIKE THIS, shameless shameless 629 shameless 00:27:19,435 --> 00:27:21,202 shameless AND THEN IT PUSHES shameless YOUR PANTS DOWN shameless shameless 630 shameless 00:27:21,270 --> 00:27:22,537 shameless TO YOUR PELVIS, shameless 'CAUSE THEY WON'T HANG shameless shameless 631 shameless 00:27:22,605 --> 00:27:24,372 shameless IN THE NORMAL PLACE shameless ANYMORE. shameless shameless 632 shameless 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,541 shameless AND THEN DOWN THERE, shameless THEY FEEL LOOSE, shameless shameless 633 shameless 00:27:26,609 --> 00:27:29,210 shameless AND YOU START GOING, shameless "HEY! LOSING WEIGHT, EH? 634 00:27:29,278 --> 00:27:31,012 I'M COMING DOWN!" shameless shameless 635 shameless 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:34,048 shameless - "MY PANTS ARE GETTING LOOSE, shameless I AM GETTING THINNER. shameless shameless 636 shameless 00:27:34,116 --> 00:27:37,385 shameless I ATE MY WAY THROUGH TO shameless THE OTHER SIDE, I DID!" shameless shameless 637 shameless 00:27:43,125 --> 00:27:45,560 shameless - FUCK IT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT, shameless I'M FAT. LOOK AT THIS SHIT. shameless shameless 638 shameless 00:27:45,628 --> 00:27:47,395 shameless I DON'T FUCKING CARE. shameless LOOK AT THAT. shameless shameless 639 shameless 00:27:47,463 --> 00:27:48,730 shameless - WOO! shameless - I DON'T CARE. shameless shameless 640 shameless 00:27:48,797 --> 00:27:52,066 shameless IT'S JUST A SWEATY BALL shameless OF FUCKING FLESH. shameless shameless 641 shameless 00:27:52,134 --> 00:27:53,401 shameless I DON'T CARE. shameless shameless 642 shameless 00:27:53,469 --> 00:27:55,703 shameless LOOK HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS, TOO, shameless IT GOES RIGHT IN. shameless shameless 643 shameless 00:27:55,771 --> 00:27:58,406 shameless LIKE, IT GOES AT A RIGHT ANGLE shameless AND HITS MY PELVIS. shameless shameless 644 shameless 00:27:58,474 --> 00:28:00,241 shameless IT DOESN'T, LIKE, shameless SLOPE BACK DOWN. shameless shameless 645 shameless 00:28:00,309 --> 00:28:03,011 shameless IT FUCKING GOES IN, shameless AND THEN BACK UP. shameless shameless 646 shameless 00:28:03,078 --> 00:28:04,679 shameless IT'S FUCKED UP. shameless shameless 647 shameless 00:28:04,747 --> 00:28:07,348 shameless - LIKE, WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER shameless AND I'M SCRUBBING LIKE THIS, shameless shameless 648 shameless 00:28:07,416 --> 00:28:09,017 shameless WHEN I GET DOWN THERE, shameless I GOTTA TURN IN LIKE THIS, shameless shameless 649 shameless 00:28:09,084 --> 00:28:10,351 shameless I GOTTA ACTUALLY shameless MAKE A TURN. shameless shameless 650 shameless 00:28:13,055 --> 00:28:15,857 shameless I GOTTA FUCKIN' CUT IN... shameless shameless 651 shameless 00:28:15,925 --> 00:28:17,859 shameless WHERE THE CREVICE GETS shameless FUCKING FILTHY. shameless shameless 652 shameless 00:28:17,927 --> 00:28:19,527 shameless IT'S RIDICULOUS. shameless shameless 653 shameless 00:28:19,595 --> 00:28:20,828 shameless - IT IS, IT'S LIKE shameless A THEATER SEAT. shameless shameless 654 shameless 00:28:20,896 --> 00:28:22,864 shameless THERE'S LIKE FUCKING- shameless RECEIPTS AND SHIT, shameless shameless 655 shameless 00:28:22,932 --> 00:28:25,867 shameless AND POPCORN, AND- shameless shameless 656 shameless 00:28:25,935 --> 00:28:29,237 shameless - FUCKING KIDS TOYS, shameless AND, OH, FUCK, WHAT THE HELL? shameless shameless 657 shameless 00:28:31,340 --> 00:28:34,042 shameless MY BODY'S JUST FALLING APART, shameless MAN, I GOT TITS NOW, TOO. shameless shameless 658 shameless 00:28:34,109 --> 00:28:36,544 shameless I JUST GOT TITS. shameless shameless 659 shameless 00:28:36,612 --> 00:28:40,381 shameless #NAME? shameless IN A MAN'S LIFE... shameless shameless 660 shameless 00:28:40,449 --> 00:28:42,383 shameless WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR shameless AND YOU REALIZE-FUCK, I GOT- shameless shameless 661 shameless 00:28:42,451 --> 00:28:43,718 shameless 'CAUSE YOU DON'T SEE shameless THEM COMING! shameless shameless 662 shameless 00:28:43,786 --> 00:28:45,720 shameless THEY'RE SORT OF POUTING OUT, shameless LITTLE BY LITTLE, shameless shameless 663 shameless 00:28:45,788 --> 00:28:47,388 shameless AND THEN ONE DAY, THEY JUST shameless FUCKING FALL A LITTLE, shameless shameless 664 shameless 00:28:47,456 --> 00:28:48,723 shameless AND THAT'S IT, shameless YOU HAVE TITS. shameless shameless 665 shameless 00:28:48,791 --> 00:28:50,225 shameless AND THEY'RE THERE shameless FOR GOOD, shameless shameless 666 shameless 00:28:50,292 --> 00:28:52,227 shameless THEY'RE NOT GONNA, LIKE, shameless GO BACK, IT'S FUCKING OVER. shameless shameless 667 shameless 00:28:52,294 --> 00:28:55,363 shameless THAT'S THE THING IS THAT I'M 39, shameless I'M NOT GONNA GET BETTER. shameless shameless 668 shameless 00:28:55,431 --> 00:28:57,398 shameless I'M NOT GOING TO BE shameless ALL RIPPED WHEN I'M 48. shameless shameless 669 shameless 00:28:57,466 --> 00:28:58,733 shameless IT'S FUCKING OVER. shameless shameless 670 shameless 00:28:58,801 --> 00:29:03,171 shameless IT'S THIS OR A LOT WORSE shameless FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. shameless shameless 671 shameless 00:29:03,239 --> 00:29:05,340 shameless BUT THE TITS WERE THE WORST, shameless 'CAUSE I USED TO LAUGH shameless shameless 672 shameless 00:29:05,407 --> 00:29:08,176 shameless AT GUYS WITH TITS, THAT SHIT shameless AIN'T FUNNY TO ME ANYMORE. shameless shameless 673 shameless 00:29:09,411 --> 00:29:11,145 shameless - 'CAUSE THAT WAS shameless AN AWFUL MOMENT, shameless shameless 674 shameless 00:29:11,213 --> 00:29:14,682 shameless I'M JUST STANDING THERE LOOKING, shameless AND-GOT ALL THESE FEELINGS. shameless shameless 675 shameless 00:29:14,750 --> 00:29:16,851 shameless THEY MUST BE THE SAME shameless FEELINGS THAT A TEENAGE GIRL HAS shameless shameless 676 shameless 00:29:16,919 --> 00:29:20,188 shameless WHEN SHE GETS HER TITS! shameless IT MUST BE THE SAME... shameless shameless 677 shameless 00:29:20,256 --> 00:29:22,190 shameless IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT shameless A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL shameless shameless 678 shameless 00:29:22,258 --> 00:29:25,026 shameless AND A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN shameless HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT MOMENT. shameless shameless 679 shameless 00:29:32,768 --> 00:29:34,769 shameless NOTHING! shameless shameless 680 shameless 00:29:36,772 --> 00:29:39,040 shameless HAVE TO CARRY MY BOOKS shameless LIKE THIS NOW. shameless shameless 681 shameless 00:29:41,610 --> 00:29:43,177 shameless - I DON'T KNOW. shameless YOU KNOW WHAT THE THING IS? shameless shameless 682 shameless 00:29:43,245 --> 00:29:44,712 shameless I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. shameless I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOK. shameless shameless 683 shameless 00:29:44,780 --> 00:29:46,881 shameless I'M BALD, I'M FAT, shameless I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. shameless shameless 684 shameless 00:29:46,949 --> 00:29:49,217 shameless I'M MARRIED, I GOT 2 KIDS, shameless AND MY WIFE HATES ME, shameless shameless 685 shameless 00:29:49,285 --> 00:29:51,386 shameless WHAT, AM I GONNA GET LAID shameless IF I LOSE A FEW POUNDS? shameless shameless 686 shameless 00:29:51,453 --> 00:29:52,887 shameless WHO FUCKIN' CARES? shameless shameless 687 shameless 00:29:52,955 --> 00:29:55,556 shameless LIKE I'M GONNA GET MAD PUSSY shameless IF I SUDDENLY LOOK BETTER? shameless shameless 688 shameless 00:29:55,624 --> 00:29:59,394 shameless NO. THAT SHIT IS OVER shameless FOR ME FOREVER. shameless shameless 689 shameless 00:29:59,461 --> 00:30:02,563 shameless AND I'M GLAD, I REALLY AM. shameless I'M RELIEVED. shameless shameless 690 shameless 00:30:02,631 --> 00:30:04,232 shameless NOW WHEN I SEE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL shameless WALKING DOWN THE STREET, shameless shameless 691 shameless 00:30:04,300 --> 00:30:06,567 shameless I'M LIKE, "HEY, FUCK YOU, shameless I DON'T GIVE A SHIT." shameless shameless 692 shameless 00:30:09,471 --> 00:30:12,407 shameless - EW. GO FUCK SOMEBODY ELSE, shameless I'LL JERK OFF TO YOU LATER, shameless shameless 693 shameless 00:30:12,474 --> 00:30:14,309 shameless PROBABLY HAVE A BETTER TIME. shameless shameless 694 shameless 00:30:19,748 --> 00:30:22,083 shameless - NOT LIKE SHE WOULD'VE FUCKED shameless THE SHIT OUT OF ME ANYWAY, shameless shameless 695 shameless 00:30:22,151 --> 00:30:24,085 shameless YOU KNOW, LIKE SHE WOULD'VE shameless GIVEN ME HER BEST. shameless shameless 696 shameless 00:30:24,153 --> 00:30:26,421 shameless I NEVER REALLY GOT THE BEST shameless OUT OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. shameless shameless 697 shameless 00:30:26,488 --> 00:30:28,089 shameless I HAD SEX WITH shameless A FEW BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, shameless shameless 698 shameless 00:30:28,157 --> 00:30:30,591 shameless AND THEY DIDN'T REALLY ROCK OUT shameless ON MY DICK SO MUCH. shameless shameless 699 shameless 00:30:30,659 --> 00:30:33,094 shameless IT WAS MORE LIKE, KIND OF LIKE, shameless "ALL RIGHT, WHY NOT, 700 00:30:33,162 --> 00:30:35,763 GIVE IT A-HE'S KIND OF FUNNY," shameless YOU KNOW, JUST SORT OF A- shameless shameless 701 shameless 00:30:35,831 --> 00:30:38,099 shameless BEGRUDGING FUCK shameless shameless 702 shameless 00:30:38,167 --> 00:30:42,103 shameless IN A WEIRD SITUATION WITH A LOT shameless OF REGRET AFTERWARDS. shameless shameless 703 shameless 00:30:42,171 --> 00:30:44,105 shameless I'VE BEEN THERE, LIKE-I WAS shameless IN OKLAHOMA CITY, shameless shameless 704 shameless 00:30:44,173 --> 00:30:45,773 shameless AND I SLEPT WITH THIS shameless BEAUTIFUL-BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, shameless shameless 705 shameless 00:30:45,841 --> 00:30:47,942 shameless SHE WAS SO HOT, shameless AND SHE GOT REALLY DRUNK shameless shameless 706 shameless 00:30:48,010 --> 00:30:49,944 shameless AND SHE FUCKED ME, shameless AND THE NEXT MORNING, shameless shameless 707 shameless 00:30:50,012 --> 00:30:51,446 shameless I WAKE UP AND SHE'S LOOKING shameless AT ME, SHE'S LIKE, shameless shameless 708 shameless 00:30:51,513 --> 00:30:54,782 shameless "OH, GOD. OH, JESUS CHRIST. 709 00:30:54,850 --> 00:30:57,118 OH, MY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YA'LL GOT TO FUCK ME. 710 00:30:57,186 --> 00:30:58,786 I CAN'T BELIEVE-" shameless SHE WAS BUMMED OU shameless shameless 711 shameless 00:30:58,854 --> 00:31:01,122 shameless I FEEL LIKE-I THINK SHE FELT shameless LIKE SHE HAD RAPED HERSELF shameless shameless 712 shameless 00:31:01,190 --> 00:31:03,558 shameless WITH MY DICK, THAT'S ACTUALLY, shameless LIKE, HOW SHE FELT. shameless shameless 713 shameless 00:31:07,796 --> 00:31:10,865 shameless - THAT'S SO WEIRD TO REALIZE shameless THAT YOU WERE SOMEBODY'S BOTTOM, shameless shameless 714 shameless 00:31:10,933 --> 00:31:13,901 shameless LIKE, YOU ARE SOMEBODY'S shameless PLACE THAT THEY GOT TO. shameless shameless 715 shameless 00:31:13,969 --> 00:31:16,738 shameless THAT THEY SAYOU IN THEIR BED shameless AND WENT, "OH, FUCK. shameless shameless 716 shameless 00:31:16,805 --> 00:31:18,406 shameless "OK, ALL RIGHT. 717 00:31:18,474 --> 00:31:21,876 I GOTTA TOTALLY STOP" shameless ALL THIS SHIT NOW. shameless shameless 718 shameless 00:31:21,944 --> 00:31:24,579 shameless "FUCK... 719 00:31:24,646 --> 00:31:27,749 F-I GOTTA-OH, I GOTTA" shameless GO BACK TO SCHOOL, shameless shameless 720 shameless 00:31:27,816 --> 00:31:29,751 shameless "I GOTTA FUCKIN'- 721 00:31:29,818 --> 00:31:33,321 - CONCILE WITH MY DAD, I- OH, FUCKIN' SHIT." shameless shameless 722 shameless 00:31:37,993 --> 00:31:39,927 shameless I NEVER HAD A PERIOD IN shameless MY LIFE WHERE I WAS, LIKE, shameless shameless 723 shameless 00:31:39,995 --> 00:31:42,430 shameless REALLY GOING HOG-WILD shameless WITH THE BABES. shameless shameless 724 shameless 00:31:42,498 --> 00:31:44,599 shameless I HAD A-IT WAS LATE FOR ME shameless WHEN I STARTED HAVING SEX, shameless shameless 725 shameless 00:31:44,666 --> 00:31:46,934 shameless I WAS 18 BEFORE shameless ANYTHING HAPPENED TO ME, shameless shameless 726 shameless 00:31:47,002 --> 00:31:48,936 shameless UH, MY GIRLFRIEND shameless GAVE ME A HAND JOB. shameless shameless 727 shameless 00:31:49,004 --> 00:31:50,605 shameless FIRST THING THAT HAPPENED shameless TO ME SEXUALLY EVER, shameless shameless 728 shameless 00:31:50,672 --> 00:31:52,673 shameless AND I MEAN, ITAS AWESOME, shameless IT WAS GREAT. shameless shameless 729 shameless 00:31:52,741 --> 00:31:54,776 shameless BECAUSE, UH, NOBODY HAD shameless EVER TOUCHED MY DICK, shameless shameless 730 shameless 00:31:54,843 --> 00:31:57,111 shameless NOBODY IN THE WORLD shameless HAD TOUCHED MY DICK. shameless shameless 731 shameless 00:31:57,179 --> 00:31:59,614 shameless MY DICK HAD TOUCHED shameless A LOT OF THINGS- shameless shameless 732 shameless 00:31:59,681 --> 00:32:01,282 shameless BECAUSE- shameless shameless 733 shameless 00:32:01,350 --> 00:32:02,550 shameless THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN shameless YOU'RE A YOUNG BOY, shameless shameless 734 shameless 00:32:02,618 --> 00:32:05,219 shameless YOU TOUCH YOUR DICK TO MANY shameless SURFACES AROUND THE WORLD, shameless shameless 735 shameless 00:32:05,287 --> 00:32:07,221 shameless JUST FUCKING LOOKING FOR shameless ANYTHING THAT FEELS shameless shameless 736 shameless 00:32:07,289 --> 00:32:10,391 shameless GOOD ENOUGH-THAT, UH, YOU DON'T shameless HAVE TO TALK TO A GIRL. shameless shameless 737 shameless 00:32:10,459 --> 00:32:12,393 shameless THAT'S THE WHOLE... shameless shameless 738 shameless 00:32:12,461 --> 00:32:14,395 shameless BUT FINALLY I GOT THIS shameless GIRLFRIEND, shameless shameless 739 shameless 00:32:14,463 --> 00:32:15,696 shameless AND WE'RE MAKING OUT, shameless AND SHE REACHED DOWN, shameless shameless 740 shameless 00:32:15,764 --> 00:32:17,064 shameless AND SHE PUT HER HAND shameless AROUND MY DICK, shameless shameless 741 shameless 00:32:17,132 --> 00:32:19,734 shameless AND I FUCKIN' LOST-FIRST OF shameless ALL, I CAME IMMEDIATELY, shameless shameless 742 shameless 00:32:19,802 --> 00:32:22,904 shameless AND ALSO I STARTED shameless FARTING AS I CAME. shameless shameless 743 shameless 00:32:22,971 --> 00:32:24,572 shameless AND- shameless shameless 744 shameless 00:32:26,475 --> 00:32:28,910 shameless - HA HA HA HA, shameless NO-I STARTED FARTING, shameless shameless 745 shameless 00:32:28,977 --> 00:32:30,244 shameless IT WASN'T JUST-PH, PH, PH! shameless shameless 746 shameless 00:32:30,312 --> 00:32:32,580 shameless IT WAS THROUGHOUT, shameless AND SHE'S LAUGHING. shameless shameless 747 shameless 00:32:32,648 --> 00:32:34,749 shameless PHH, PHH-"HA HA HA HA!" shameless shameless 748 shameless 00:32:37,486 --> 00:32:39,754 shameless THAT'S HOW shameless MY SEX LIFE STARTED, OK? shameless shameless 749 shameless 00:32:39,822 --> 00:32:42,223 shameless THAT'S HOW IT STARTED. shameless shameless 750 shameless 00:32:42,291 --> 00:32:46,260 shameless FUCKING SHAME AND DEPRESSION. shameless shameless 751 shameless 00:32:48,964 --> 00:32:51,399 shameless - BEFORE THAT, I WAS, UH, shameless IT WAS JUST ME shameless shameless 752 shameless 00:32:51,467 --> 00:32:54,769 shameless MASTURBATING COPIOUSLY, shameless HAPPILY, I LOVED IT. shameless shameless 753 shameless 00:32:54,837 --> 00:32:57,271 shameless WHEN I DISCOVERED MASTURBATION, shameless I WAS SO HAPPY. shameless shameless 754 shameless 00:32:57,339 --> 00:32:58,773 shameless I LOVED IT, shameless EVERYBODY LOVES IT, shameless shameless 755 shameless 00:32:58,841 --> 00:33:00,107 shameless NOBODY'S-"UH, shameless THIS FUCKING SUCKS," shameless shameless 756 shameless 00:33:00,175 --> 00:33:01,843 shameless IT'S PRETTY shameless UNIVERSALLY LIKED. shameless shameless 757 shameless 00:33:01,910 --> 00:33:04,879 shameless BUT, UH- shameless shameless 758 shameless 00:33:04,947 --> 00:33:06,547 shameless I, UM,- shameless shameless 759 shameless 00:33:06,615 --> 00:33:08,049 shameless I REMEMBER WHEN shameless I FIRST STARTED, shameless shameless 760 shameless 00:33:08,116 --> 00:33:09,717 shameless AND I THOUGHT I WAS shameless THE ONLY ONE DOING IT. shameless shameless 761 shameless 00:33:09,785 --> 00:33:11,385 shameless AND THEN I TOLD shameless MY FRIEND JEFF, shameless shameless 762 shameless 00:33:11,453 --> 00:33:13,221 shameless AND, UH, HE WAS DOING IT, TOO. shameless shameless 763 shameless 00:33:13,288 --> 00:33:15,056 shameless SO WE START-THAT'S shameless HIS REAL NAME, TOO, shameless shameless 764 shameless 00:33:15,123 --> 00:33:16,390 shameless IT'S KIND OF FUCKED UP shameless THAT I'M SAYING HIS NAME, shameless shameless 765 shameless 00:33:16,458 --> 00:33:18,726 shameless BUT ANYWAY, WE WERE- shameless shameless 766 shameless 00:33:18,794 --> 00:33:22,230 shameless #NAME? shameless ABOUT HOW WE MASTURBATED. shameless shameless 767 shameless 00:33:22,297 --> 00:33:24,632 shameless AND I DID IT, YOU KNOW, shameless WELL, I WAS 11, shameless shameless 768 shameless 00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:26,567 shameless SO I WAS GOING shameless LIKE THIS, WHICH- shameless shameless 769 shameless 00:33:26,635 --> 00:33:28,703 shameless I ACTUALLY DID IT LIKE THIS shameless FOR A LONG TIME, shameless shameless 770 shameless 00:33:28,770 --> 00:33:30,905 shameless 'CAUSE NOBODY TEACHES YOU shameless HOW TO JERK OFF. shameless shameless 771 shameless 00:33:30,973 --> 00:33:34,308 shameless SO, LIKE, EVEN ONCE MY DICK shameless GREW, I KEPT DOING IT LIKE THIS. shameless shameless 772 shameless 00:33:34,376 --> 00:33:36,410 shameless AND THEN I SAW A MOVIE shameless WHERE SOMEBODY WENT LIKE THAT, shameless shameless 773 shameless 00:33:36,478 --> 00:33:37,745 shameless AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, FUCK, shameless THE WHOLE HAND! shameless shameless 774 shameless 00:33:37,813 --> 00:33:39,313 shameless THAT IS GENIUS!" shameless shameless 775 shameless 00:33:40,482 --> 00:33:42,250 shameless AWESOME! shameless shameless 776 shameless 00:33:49,157 --> 00:33:52,760 shameless #NAME? shameless THINGS I EVER DISCOVERED. shameless shameless 777 shameless 00:33:52,828 --> 00:33:55,429 shameless I STILL SOMETIMES-THIS shameless IS, AH, SO SMART. shameless shameless 778 shameless 00:33:55,497 --> 00:33:57,598 shameless SO SMART TO USE shameless THE WHOLE HAND, AWESOME! shameless shameless 779 shameless 00:33:57,666 --> 00:33:59,066 shameless TO THIS DAY, shameless AND I'M LIKE, FUCKING, UH, shameless shameless 780 shameless 00:33:59,134 --> 00:34:00,768 shameless WHOEVER-FUCKING, shameless YEAH, AWESOME. shameless shameless 781 shameless 00:34:04,773 --> 00:34:06,541 shameless - BUT ANYWAY, JEFF DID IT shameless TOTALLY DIFFERENTLY. shameless shameless 782 shameless 00:34:06,608 --> 00:34:09,210 shameless JEFF DIDN'T, UH, shameless HE-WOULD LIE ON HIS STOMACH. shameless shameless 783 shameless 00:34:09,278 --> 00:34:11,212 shameless HE WOULD LAY ON HIS STOMACH shameless AND PRESS HIS DICK shameless shameless 784 shameless 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:12,880 shameless INTO HIS PALM shameless REALLY HARD, shameless shameless 785 shameless 00:34:12,948 --> 00:34:15,049 shameless AND HE ENJOYED THE PRESSURE. shameless shameless 786 shameless 00:34:15,117 --> 00:34:16,884 shameless AND, UH, SOME KIDS shameless DO IT LIKE THAT, shameless shameless 787 shameless 00:34:16,952 --> 00:34:18,352 shameless I LOOKED IT UP-BY THE WAY, shameless IT FUCKS YOUR DICK UP shameless shameless 788 shameless 00:34:18,420 --> 00:34:20,221 shameless SO DON'T DO IT, shameless DON'T DO IT, IT'S- shameless shameless 789 shameless 00:34:20,289 --> 00:34:21,722 shameless IT DOES FUCK YOUR DICK UP, shameless BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW shameless shameless 790 shameless 00:34:21,790 --> 00:34:23,891 shameless SO HE WAS PUSHING shameless HIS DICK INTO HIS PALM, shameless shameless 791 shameless 00:34:23,959 --> 00:34:25,393 shameless AND I THINK SOMETIMES shameless HE WOULD PUT A BOOK shameless shameless 792 shameless 00:34:25,460 --> 00:34:26,727 shameless ON THE OTHER-BEHIND shameless HIS HAND, LIKE, shameless shameless 793 shameless 00:34:26,795 --> 00:34:28,062 shameless HE JUST LIKED THE PRESSURE. shameless shameless 794 shameless 00:34:28,130 --> 00:34:29,530 shameless AND HE COULDN'T GET shameless ENOUGH PRESSURE, shameless shameless 795 shameless 00:34:29,598 --> 00:34:31,399 shameless SO HE SAID TO ME, shameless MAYBE IF I SAT ON HIS ASS shameless shameless 796 shameless 00:34:31,466 --> 00:34:33,234 shameless WHILE HE DID THIS- shameless shameless 797 shameless 00:34:33,302 --> 00:34:35,736 shameless IT WOULD BE BETTER. shameless shameless 798 shameless 00:34:35,804 --> 00:34:38,573 shameless SO I DID, I SAT ON HIS ASS- shameless shameless 799 shameless 00:34:42,311 --> 00:34:45,746 shameless - AND I REMEMBER THAT MOMENT, shameless I'M SITTIN' ON JEFF'S ASS... shameless shameless 800 shameless 00:34:47,149 --> 00:34:49,216 shameless #NAME? shameless HIMSELF OFF, shameless shameless 801 shameless 00:34:49,284 --> 00:34:51,085 shameless AND I REMEMBER THINKING shameless TO MYSELF, shameless shameless 802 shameless 00:34:51,153 --> 00:34:53,387 shameless ISN'T THIS GAY shameless THAT I'M DOING THIS? shameless shameless 803 shameless 00:34:57,659 --> 00:34:59,093 shameless #NAME? shameless A REALLY GOOD FRIEND? shameless shameless 804 shameless 00:34:59,161 --> 00:35:01,429 shameless MAYBE I'JUST shameless A GOOD FRIEND. shameless shameless 805 shameless 00:35:05,767 --> 00:35:07,868 shameless - IT'S WEIRD TO THINK NOW shameless THAT I FUCKING SAT ON shameless shameless 806 shameless 00:35:07,936 --> 00:35:12,373 shameless AN 11-YEAR-OLD BOY'S ASS shameless WHILE HE MASTURBATED. shameless shameless 807 shameless 00:35:12,441 --> 00:35:14,041 shameless I MEAN, I WAS 11, shameless SO IT WAS COOL. shameless shameless 808 shameless 00:35:14,109 --> 00:35:16,377 shameless NOW I'D GET FUCKING shameless CRUCIFIED FOR THAT SHIT. shameless shameless 809 shameless 00:35:17,779 --> 00:35:19,113 shameless HA HA HA! shameless shameless 810 shameless 00:35:19,181 --> 00:35:20,881 shameless I DIDN'T KNOW shameless WHAT I HAD, BOY. shameless shameless 811 shameless 00:35:20,949 --> 00:35:22,717 shameless EH, LET HER GO. shameless shameless 812 shameless 00:35:22,784 --> 00:35:26,287 shameless ALL RIGHT, EASY... WHEEZY. shameless shameless 813 shameless 00:35:29,458 --> 00:35:30,591 shameless HAH, ANYWAY... shameless shameless 814 shameless 00:35:30,659 --> 00:35:32,226 shameless SO NOW I'M MARRIED, shameless AND, UH, shameless shameless 815 shameless 00:35:32,294 --> 00:35:33,894 shameless THE SEX IS VERY DIFFERENT shameless WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED shameless shameless 816 shameless 00:35:33,962 --> 00:35:36,230 shameless 'CAUSE IT DOESN'T, shameless UH, EXIST, ACTUALLY. shameless shameless 817 shameless 00:35:37,599 --> 00:35:40,067 shameless #NAME? shameless OF MINE ABOUT HOW MY WIFE shameless shameless 818 shameless 00:35:40,135 --> 00:35:41,969 shameless AND I DON'T REALLY shameless FUCK ANYMORE, AND HE SAID, shameless shameless 819 shameless 00:35:42,037 --> 00:35:44,138 shameless "WELL, DOES SHE BLOW YOU AT LEAST?" shameless shameless 820 shameless 00:35:44,206 --> 00:35:45,573 shameless WHAT ARE YOU, FUCKING HIGH? shameless shameless 821 shameless 00:35:45,641 --> 00:35:47,441 shameless YOU THINK SHE'S BLOWING ME? shameless shameless 822 shameless 00:35:47,509 --> 00:35:49,243 shameless WHO WANTS TO BLOW shameless THEIR HUSBAND? shameless shameless 823 shameless 00:35:49,311 --> 00:35:50,411 shameless WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO- shameless shameless 824 shameless 00:35:50,479 --> 00:35:51,912 shameless WHAT A BUMMER TO BLOW shameless YOUR HUSBAND. shameless shameless 825 shameless 00:35:51,980 --> 00:35:53,414 shameless YOU DON'T WANT shameless TO BLOW YOUR HUSBAND, shameless shameless 826 shameless 00:35:53,482 --> 00:35:55,549 shameless YOU WANT TO BLOW YOUR DATE, shameless THAT'S WHO YOU WANT TO BLOW. shameless shameless 827 shameless 00:35:55,617 --> 00:35:57,084 shameless YOU WANT TO BLOW shameless A GUY YOU'VE BEEN DATING, shameless shameless 828 shameless 00:35:57,152 --> 00:35:58,419 shameless AND YOU DON'T shameless QUITE KNOW HIM YET. shameless shameless 829 shameless 00:35:58,487 --> 00:36:00,421 shameless HE COMES OVER AND PICKS shameless YOU UP, "OOH! shameless shameless 830 shameless 00:36:00,489 --> 00:36:02,189 shameless "THAT'S A NEW SHIRT, I NEVER SAW THAT SHIRT ON HIM. 831 00:36:02,257 --> 00:36:04,325 IT'S VERY HANDSOME." shameless YOU GO TO DINNER, shameless shameless 832 shameless 00:36:04,393 --> 00:36:05,693 shameless HE'S LIKE, shameless HERE, TRY THIS. shameless shameless 833 shameless 00:36:05,761 --> 00:36:08,029 shameless "OH, NEW THINGS, I LIKE NEW THINGS." shameless shameless 834 shameless 00:36:08,096 --> 00:36:09,864 shameless TELLS YOU SOMETHING FUNNY, shameless MAKES YOU LAUGH, "OOH! shameless shameless 835 shameless 00:36:09,931 --> 00:36:13,701 shameless HE SHOULDN'T SAY THAT, shameless OH, HE SHOULDN'T, OH." shameless shameless 836 shameless 00:36:13,769 --> 00:36:17,705 shameless TELLS YOU A SAD STORY, shameless OH-OH, MY GOD... shameless shameless 837 shameless 00:36:20,475 --> 00:36:22,209 shameless - YOU GO BACK TO HIS PLACE, shameless YOU SUCK HIS COCK, shameless shameless 838 shameless 00:36:22,277 --> 00:36:25,212 shameless AND YOU GO HOME, shameless THAT'S THE PROPER CONTEXT shameless shameless 839 shameless 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,882 shameless FOR A BLOWJOB. shameless shameless 840 shameless 00:36:27,949 --> 00:36:29,383 shameless #NAME? shameless BLOW A GUY AND THEN shameless shameless 841 shameless 00:36:29,451 --> 00:36:32,219 shameless GO TO IKEA WITH HIM shameless ALL DAY, THAT'S NOT FUN. shameless shameless 842 shameless 00:36:34,790 --> 00:36:37,391 shameless - DO HIS SHITTY LAUNDRY, shameless AND THEN HE COMES OUT, shameless shameless 843 shameless 00:36:37,459 --> 00:36:40,061 shameless "HEY, SUCK MY DICK, OK? 844 00:36:40,128 --> 00:36:41,662 WILL YOU SUCK MY DICK RIGHT NOW?" shameless shameless 845 shameless 00:36:41,730 --> 00:36:45,733 shameless "YES, I'M FUCKING DYING TO SUCK YOUR SMELLY OLD FUCKING 846 00:36:45,801 --> 00:36:48,736 DISGUSTING DICK FOR" shameless THE THOUSANDTH TIME. shameless shameless 847 shameless 00:36:48,804 --> 00:36:50,738 shameless I CAN'T FUCKIN' WAIT." shameless shameless 848 shameless 00:36:59,314 --> 00:37:01,382 shameless - MY, UM, MY WIFE shameless GAVE ME A HAND JOB, shameless shameless 849 shameless 00:37:01,450 --> 00:37:03,517 shameless UH, THE OTHER DAY, shameless AND, UH, shameless shameless 850 shameless 00:37:03,585 --> 00:37:05,519 shameless I GOTTA TELL YOU THAT I THINK shameless THAT THAT HAND JOB shameless shameless 851 shameless 00:37:05,587 --> 00:37:09,023 shameless WAS PROBABLY THE SADDEST THING shameless THAT EVER HAPPENED shameless shameless 852 shameless 00:37:09,091 --> 00:37:13,027 shameless IN AMERICA, IT REALLY WAS- shameless THE SADDEST FUCKING THING. shameless shameless 853 shameless 00:37:13,095 --> 00:37:15,863 shameless THAT HAND JOB shameless WAS SO TRAGIC, shameless shameless 854 shameless 00:37:15,931 --> 00:37:18,866 shameless THERE SHOULD BE, LIKE, shameless A MONUMENT TO THAT HAND JOB... shameless shameless 855 shameless 00:37:18,934 --> 00:37:21,535 shameless WITH A REFLECTING POOL shameless WHERE YOU JUST SIT AND THINK, shameless shameless 856 shameless 00:37:21,603 --> 00:37:24,705 shameless OH, THAT WAS FUCKING SAD. shameless shameless 857 shameless 00:37:24,773 --> 00:37:26,707 shameless #NAME? shameless PUT ROCKS ON IT shameless shameless 858 shameless 00:37:26,775 --> 00:37:30,044 shameless AND THINK ABOUT IT, shameless AND, YOU KNOW... shameless shameless 859 shameless 00:37:30,112 --> 00:37:31,712 shameless HA HA HA. shameless shameless 860 shameless 00:37:31,780 --> 00:37:33,047 shameless HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. shameless shameless 861 shameless 00:37:33,115 --> 00:37:34,715 shameless I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT shameless THIS HAND JOB. shameless shameless 862 shameless 00:37:34,783 --> 00:37:36,383 shameless UM... shameless shameless 863 shameless 00:37:36,451 --> 00:37:38,385 shameless #NAME? shameless IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY, shameless shameless 864 shameless 00:37:38,453 --> 00:37:41,388 shameless UH, THE BABY WAS ASLEEP shameless ON OUR BED, shameless shameless 865 shameless 00:37:41,456 --> 00:37:43,724 shameless THE 4-YEAR-OLD IS WHEREVER shameless THE FUCK SHE GOES ALL DAY- shameless shameless 866 shameless 00:37:43,792 --> 00:37:46,894 shameless AND, UM... shameless shameless 867 shameless 00:37:48,964 --> 00:37:51,065 shameless #NAME? shameless SITTING ON THE COUCH, shameless shameless 868 shameless 00:37:51,133 --> 00:37:54,235 shameless JUST SITTING THERE, JUST FUCKING shameless MARRIED ON THE COUCH, YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 869 shameless 00:37:54,302 --> 00:37:57,404 shameless JUST-AND MY WIFE LOOKED shameless AT ME, AND I DON'T KNOW shameless shameless 870 shameless 00:37:57,472 --> 00:37:59,240 shameless WHERE SHE GOT THIS SORT OF shameless SENSE THAT I WAS- shameless shameless 871 shameless 00:37:59,307 --> 00:38:00,407 shameless SHE SAID SOMETHING LIKE, shameless shameless 872 shameless 00:38:00,475 --> 00:38:02,009 shameless "HEY, WE HAVE TO GO TO THAT THING FOR THE-" shameless shameless 873 shameless 00:38:02,077 --> 00:38:03,844 shameless AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, shameless WHO GIVES A SHIT?" shameless shameless 874 shameless 00:38:03,912 --> 00:38:05,513 shameless LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS shameless THAT TIPPED HER OFF shameless shameless 875 shameless 00:38:05,580 --> 00:38:06,647 shameless THAT I WAS STARTING shameless TO FEEL REAL BAD- shameless shameless 876 shameless 00:38:06,715 --> 00:38:08,149 shameless HERE'S THE THING- shameless IS THAT AS FAR AS SEX, shameless shameless 877 shameless 00:38:08,216 --> 00:38:10,484 shameless FOR GUYS IT'S JUST NOT COMP- shameless WE JUST NEED TO RELEASE, shameless shameless 878 shameless 00:38:10,552 --> 00:38:12,686 shameless THAT'S ALL IT IS, shameless WE JUST-WE JUST NEED IT. shameless shameless 879 shameless 00:38:12,754 --> 00:38:14,522 shameless WOMEN, IT'S LIKE A FUCKING shameless EMOTIONAL THING, shameless shameless 880 shameless 00:38:14,589 --> 00:38:16,690 shameless WHERE THEY NEED-WE NEED TO COME shameless JUST 'CAUSE WE NEED TO, shameless shameless 881 shameless 00:38:16,758 --> 00:38:18,359 shameless WOMEN, IT'S LIKE shameless THEY GET INTO IT. shameless shameless 882 shameless 00:38:18,426 --> 00:38:20,528 shameless THEY SHIVER AND THEN shameless THEY LIE ON THEIR SIDE AND CRY shameless shameless 883 shameless 00:38:20,595 --> 00:38:21,862 shameless AFTER AND ALL THAT shameless KIND OF IT. shameless shameless 884 shameless 00:38:21,930 --> 00:38:23,864 shameless BUT-BUT FOR GUYS shameless shameless 885 shameless 00:38:23,932 --> 00:38:25,699 shameless IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT shameless WE NEED TO DO SO THAT shameless shameless 886 shameless 00:38:25,767 --> 00:38:28,035 shameless WE WON'T MURDER PEOPLE, shameless THAT'S ALL IT IS, REALLY. shameless shameless 887 shameless 00:38:30,772 --> 00:38:32,506 shameless - JUST MAINTENANCE, shameless OPEN THE FUCKING VALVE shameless shameless 888 shameless 00:38:32,574 --> 00:38:34,508 shameless ONCE IN A WHILE, PLEASE. shameless shameless 889 shameless 00:38:34,576 --> 00:38:36,544 shameless THE CITY SHOULD PUT A RED TAG shameless ON THE DICK THAT shameless shameless 890 shameless 00:38:36,611 --> 00:38:39,647 shameless HAS A PSI LEVEL THAT'S shameless UNACCEPTABLE. shameless shameless 891 shameless 00:38:44,119 --> 00:38:46,387 shameless #NAME? shameless WAITS TILL IT'S FUCKING shameless shameless 892 shameless 00:38:46,454 --> 00:38:48,222 shameless WAY-LIKE, shameless TILL IT'S CRITICAL. shameless shameless 893 shameless 00:38:48,290 --> 00:38:50,891 shameless SHE LETS IT GO SO LONG, shameless UNTIL FINALLY shameless shameless 894 shameless 00:38:50,959 --> 00:38:52,393 shameless WE'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH shameless AND SHE LOOKS AT ME- shameless shameless 895 shameless 00:38:52,460 --> 00:38:54,228 shameless "OK, WE'RE GONNA ALL BE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW 896 00:38:54,296 --> 00:38:55,729 IF I DON'T FUCKING DO SOMETHING." shameless shameless 897 shameless 00:38:55,797 --> 00:38:59,066 shameless SO... shameless shameless 898 shameless 00:38:59,134 --> 00:39:00,734 shameless SHE DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK ME, shameless SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BLOW ME, shameless shameless 899 shameless 00:39:00,802 --> 00:39:02,002 shameless SO SHE LOOKS AT ME shameless AND SHE GOES- shameless shameless 900 shameless 00:39:02,070 --> 00:39:06,006 shameless "WELL... WOULD YOU LIKE A HAND JOB?" shameless shameless 901 shameless 00:39:09,411 --> 00:39:12,179 shameless - I'M LIKE, "UH, YEAH, shameless THAT SOUNDS AWESOME." shameless shameless 902 shameless 00:39:17,419 --> 00:39:19,186 shameless #NAME? shameless DAUGHTER'S ROOM, shameless shameless 903 shameless 00:39:19,254 --> 00:39:21,188 shameless 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY shameless EMPTY ROOM IN THE HOUSE- shameless shameless 904 shameless 00:39:21,256 --> 00:39:22,523 shameless - OHH! shameless - HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? shameless shameless 905 shameless 00:39:22,591 --> 00:39:23,691 shameless FUCK YOU, I PAY THE RENT, shameless shameless 906 shameless 00:39:23,758 --> 00:39:26,360 shameless I'LL SHIT ON HER BED IF shameless I WANT TO. SERIOUSLY. shameless shameless 907 shameless 00:39:26,428 --> 00:39:29,029 shameless LET ME HAVE A FUCKING shameless HAND JOB IN MY HOUSE. shameless shameless 908 shameless 00:39:29,097 --> 00:39:32,199 shameless IT'S ALL I GET. shameless shameless 909 shameless 00:39:34,236 --> 00:39:35,536 shameless IT'S NOT ME, SHE WON'T shameless JERK ME OFF shameless shameless 910 shameless 00:39:35,604 --> 00:39:37,204 shameless IN THE LIVING ROOM 'CAUSE shameless THERE'S TOO MUCH NICE SHIT shameless shameless 911 shameless 00:39:37,272 --> 00:39:39,039 shameless I'M NOT ALLOWED TO COME ON. shameless THAT'S THE WHOLE THING. shameless shameless 912 shameless 00:39:39,107 --> 00:39:40,541 shameless I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY shameless MY ORGASM, shameless shameless 913 shameless 00:39:40,609 --> 00:39:42,710 shameless 'CAUSE THE SECOND I'M COMING shameless SHE'S POINTING MY DICK shameless shameless 914 shameless 00:39:42,777 --> 00:39:45,379 shameless AWAY FROM STUFF, "EW, shameless OH, CAREFUL!" shameless shameless 915 shameless 00:39:46,615 --> 00:39:48,215 shameless #NAME? shameless MY BELLYBUTTON, LIKE, shameless shameless 916 shameless 00:39:48,283 --> 00:39:51,185 shameless "MAKE IT GO BACK IN THERE, CAN IT GO BACK IN?" shameless shameless 917 shameless 00:39:59,261 --> 00:40:01,395 shameless - ALL RIGHT, SO I'M LYING ON shameless THE FLOOR IN MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM, shameless shameless 918 shameless 00:40:01,463 --> 00:40:03,397 shameless LOOKING UP AT THE MOBILE shameless OF FUCKING DUCKS shameless shameless 919 shameless 00:40:03,465 --> 00:40:05,933 shameless IN AIRPLANES... shameless shameless 920 shameless 00:40:07,936 --> 00:40:10,404 shameless #NAME? shameless NEED WITH AN AIRPLANE? shameless shameless 921 shameless 00:40:11,806 --> 00:40:14,909 shameless #NAME? shameless GIVE A SHIT? shameless shameless 922 shameless 00:40:14,976 --> 00:40:17,077 shameless SO I'M LAYING THERE ON shameless THE FLOOR, AND MY WIFE IS JUST shameless shameless 923 shameless 00:40:17,145 --> 00:40:18,913 shameless SITTING NEXT TO ME, shameless JUST-IN HER BATHROBE, shameless shameless 924 shameless 00:40:18,980 --> 00:40:20,314 shameless JUST- shameless shameless 925 shameless 00:40:49,678 --> 00:40:52,279 shameless - AND WEIRDLY, I'M NOT shameless GETTING OFF ON THIS. shameless shameless 926 shameless 00:40:52,347 --> 00:40:54,114 shameless THE FUCKING WOMAN shameless shameless 927 shameless 00:40:54,182 --> 00:40:56,951 shameless GRIMACING AND TUGGING shameless ON MY PENIS DRYLY shameless shameless 928 shameless 00:40:57,018 --> 00:40:58,953 shameless WHILE BASICALLY READING shameless PEOPLE MAGAZINE shameless shameless 929 shameless 00:40:59,020 --> 00:41:00,621 shameless AT THE SAME TIME- shameless shameless 930 shameless 00:41:00,689 --> 00:41:02,723 shameless - IT'S NOT THAT-I'M NOT GETTING shameless OFF ON IT FOR SOME- shameless shameless 931 shameless 00:41:02,791 --> 00:41:04,558 shameless IT'S TAKING ME A WHILE shameless TO COME, AND SHE STARTS shameless shameless 932 shameless 00:41:04,626 --> 00:41:06,226 shameless GETTING IMPATIENT, shameless SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON! shameless shameless 933 shameless 00:41:06,294 --> 00:41:07,728 shameless COME ON!" shameless shameless 934 shameless 00:41:07,796 --> 00:41:10,731 shameless LIKE YELLING "COME ON" INTO shameless MY DICK, SERIOUSLY. shameless shameless 935 shameless 00:41:13,969 --> 00:41:16,236 shameless - AT ONE POINT, shameless I WANTED HER TO LICK HER PALM. shameless shameless 936 shameless 00:41:16,304 --> 00:41:18,205 shameless I GOT THIS IDEA, shameless MAYBE IF SHE LICKS HER PALM, shameless shameless 937 shameless 00:41:18,273 --> 00:41:21,575 shameless THERE WILL BE SOME SEMBLANCE OF shameless SOMETHING GOING ON. shameless shameless 938 shameless 00:41:21,643 --> 00:41:25,412 shameless AND SO I HAD TO-YOU GOTTA shameless APPROACH ASKING FOR THOSE THINGS shameless shameless 939 shameless 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:27,247 shameless CAREFULLY, YOU CAN'T JUST GO, shameless HEY, LICK YOUR PALM! shameless shameless 940 shameless 00:41:27,315 --> 00:41:29,416 shameless LIKE THAT, 'CAUSE THAT'LL shameless RUIN WHATEVER MOOD shameless shameless 941 shameless 00:41:29,484 --> 00:41:31,418 shameless THERE ALREADY ISN'T. shameless shameless 942 shameless 00:41:31,486 --> 00:41:33,887 shameless SO, I GO, LIKE, "EHH. shameless shameless 943 shameless 00:41:33,955 --> 00:41:37,424 shameless "COULD YOU... MAYBE LICK YOUR PALM? 944 00:41:37,492 --> 00:41:40,260 LICK YOUR PALM? LICK YOUR PALM?" shameless shameless 945 shameless 00:41:40,328 --> 00:41:42,262 shameless SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?" shameless shameless 946 shameless 00:41:42,330 --> 00:41:45,099 shameless LICK YOUR PALM... LICK- shameless shameless 947 shameless 00:41:45,166 --> 00:41:47,768 shameless LICK... YOUR PALM... shameless shameless 948 shameless 00:41:47,836 --> 00:41:50,104 shameless SHE GOES, "WHAT THE FUCK shameless ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?" shameless shameless 949 shameless 00:41:50,171 --> 00:41:51,939 shameless YOU KNOW WHAT SHE shameless THOUGHT I SAID? shameless shameless 950 shameless 00:41:52,007 --> 00:41:54,775 shameless SHE THOUGHT I SAID, shameless YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR MOM. shameless shameless 951 shameless 00:42:07,956 --> 00:42:09,723 shameless #NAME? shameless THAT OUT OF MY HEAD. shameless shameless 952 shameless 00:42:09,791 --> 00:42:11,725 shameless I'M TRYING TO FUCKING, shameless LIKE, CLOSE MY EYES, shameless shameless 953 shameless 00:42:11,793 --> 00:42:13,560 shameless AND FANTASIZE THAT shameless SHE GIVES A SHIT, shameless shameless 954 shameless 00:42:13,628 --> 00:42:14,895 shameless NOTHING'S WORKING. shameless shameless 955 shameless 00:42:14,963 --> 00:42:17,364 shameless AND FINALLY SHE GOES, "HEY, shameless I'M GETTING REALLY TIRED." shameless shameless 956 shameless 00:42:17,432 --> 00:42:18,565 shameless SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID? shameless I FINALLY JUST TOOK shameless shameless 957 shameless 00:42:18,633 --> 00:42:22,202 shameless HER HAND IN MY HAND, shameless AND I JUST JERKED MYSELF OFF. shameless shameless 958 shameless 00:42:22,270 --> 00:42:24,405 shameless WITH HER HAND! shameless shameless 959 shameless 00:42:24,472 --> 00:42:27,741 shameless SHE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK YOU, shameless THAT'S MUCH EASIER THAT WAY." shameless shameless 960 shameless 00:42:27,809 --> 00:42:30,577 shameless THAT HAS TO BE shameless THE LOWEST FORM OF SEX shameless shameless 961 shameless 00:42:30,645 --> 00:42:34,248 shameless THAT'S EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE! shameless shameless 962 shameless 00:42:34,315 --> 00:42:37,918 shameless TO JUST BE JERKING MYSELF OFF shameless WITH MY TIRED WIFE'S HAND. shameless shameless 963 shameless 00:42:42,157 --> 00:42:44,258 shameless #NAME? shameless THAT POINT, SERIOUSLY, shameless shameless 964 shameless 00:42:44,325 --> 00:42:46,093 shameless SHE MIGHT AS WELL BE shameless A FUCKING CORPSE. shameless shameless 965 shameless 00:42:46,161 --> 00:42:47,761 shameless I CAME HOME AND FOUND shameless HER DEAD AND-"FUCK IT, shameless shameless 966 shameless 00:42:47,829 --> 00:42:49,763 shameless I'M GETTING ONE MORE BEFORE shameless I CALL THE POLICE." shameless shameless 967 shameless 00:42:49,831 --> 00:42:51,432 shameless JUST ONE MORE, shameless WHO IS IT HURTING? shameless shameless 968 shameless 00:42:51,499 --> 00:42:53,934 shameless I'M NOT HURTIN' NOBODY. shameless I'LL CALL 9-1-1. shameless shameless 969 shameless 00:42:54,002 --> 00:42:55,903 shameless SHE'S NOT GETTING shameless ANY BETTER. shameless shameless 970 shameless 00:43:01,776 --> 00:43:04,678 shameless COPS FIND DNA ON HER WRIST. shameless shameless 971 shameless 00:43:04,746 --> 00:43:06,880 shameless "HMM... 972 00:43:06,948 --> 00:43:09,049 SHE GAVE HIM A HAND JOB" shameless AND THEN DIED OF SHAME, I THINK. shameless shameless 973 shameless 00:43:09,117 --> 00:43:11,051 shameless I DON'T KNOW shameless WHAT HAPPENED." shameless shameless 974 shameless 00:43:14,622 --> 00:43:17,591 shameless I DON'T KNOW. shameless shameless 975 shameless 00:43:17,659 --> 00:43:19,059 shameless IT'S REALLY THE KIDS shameless THAT DO YOU IN. shameless shameless 976 shameless 00:43:19,127 --> 00:43:21,228 shameless WE HAVE 2 KIDS, THAT'S FUCKING shameless STUPID, DON'T DO THAT, shameless shameless 977 shameless 00:43:21,296 --> 00:43:24,398 shameless BECAUSE YOU JUST-IT shameless ALSO-IT-MAINLY WHAT IT DOES shameless shameless 978 shameless 00:43:24,466 --> 00:43:26,066 shameless TO A MARRIAGE, IT JUST shameless CHANGES THE WAY THAT YOU THINK shameless shameless 979 shameless 00:43:26,134 --> 00:43:27,901 shameless ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE, shameless 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, shameless shameless 980 shameless 00:43:27,969 --> 00:43:29,403 shameless WHEN YOU FIRST GET MARRIED, shameless YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP shameless shameless 981 shameless 00:43:29,471 --> 00:43:31,371 shameless THAT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU, shameless AND YOU'RE WORKING ON IT shameless shameless 982 shameless 00:43:31,439 --> 00:43:32,906 shameless TOGETHER, BUT THEN shameless YOU HAVE A KID, shameless shameless 983 shameless 00:43:32,974 --> 00:43:34,408 shameless AND YOU LOOK AT YOUR KID shameless AND YOU GO, "HOLY SHIT, shameless shameless 984 shameless 00:43:34,476 --> 00:43:36,743 shameless "THIS IS MY CHILD, SHE HAS MY DNA, 985 00:43:36,811 --> 00:43:38,412 SHE HAS MY NAME. I WOULD DIE FOR HER." shameless shameless 986 shameless 00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:39,580 shameless AND YOU LOOK AT shameless YOUR SPOUSE AND GO, shameless shameless 987 shameless 00:43:39,647 --> 00:43:42,216 shameless "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU'RE A STRANGER. 988 00:43:42,283 --> 00:43:44,918 WHY DO I TAKE SHIT FROM YOU?" shameless shameless 989 shameless 00:43:48,656 --> 00:43:50,724 shameless - BUT IT'S REALLY-IT'S THE KIDS shameless THAT MAKE IT VERY HARD. shameless shameless 990 shameless 00:43:50,792 --> 00:43:52,593 shameless WE HAVE 2-WE HAVE, shameless UH, A BABY, shameless shameless 991 shameless 00:43:52,660 --> 00:43:54,761 shameless AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW shameless THE BABY, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, shameless shameless 992 shameless 00:43:54,829 --> 00:43:56,763 shameless BECAUSE SHE HASN'T shameless SAID ANYTHING, shameless shameless 993 shameless 00:43:56,831 --> 00:43:58,599 shameless SO I DON'T REALLY shameless KNOW HER. shameless shameless 994 shameless 00:43:58,666 --> 00:44:00,267 shameless UH... shameless shameless 995 shameless 00:44:00,335 --> 00:44:02,536 shameless - I LIKE HER, SHE'S FINE, shameless BUT I DON'T KNOW HER. shameless shameless 996 shameless 00:44:02,604 --> 00:44:04,004 shameless HOW DO I KNOW shameless WHAT SHE'S REALLY LIKE? shameless shameless 997 shameless 00:44:04,072 --> 00:44:06,206 shameless MAYBE SHE FUCKIN' HATES JEWS, shameless I DON'T KNOW, shameless shameless 998 shameless 00:44:06,274 --> 00:44:07,541 shameless I DON'T KNOW NOTHING shameless ABOUT HER. shameless shameless 999 shameless 00:44:11,613 --> 00:44:13,213 shameless #NAME? shameless ALL THE TIME, THEY'RE LIKE, shameless shameless 1000 shameless 00:44:13,281 --> 00:44:15,048 shameless HEY, WHAT'S YOUR BABY LIKE? shameless shameless 1001 shameless 00:44:15,116 --> 00:44:17,384 shameless SHE'S A FUCKING BABY, shameless WHAT DO YOU WANT- shameless shameless 1002 shameless 00:44:17,452 --> 00:44:18,719 shameless YOU EVER SEEN A BABY? shameless shameless 1003 shameless 00:44:18,786 --> 00:44:21,255 shameless THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT shameless MY BABY'S LIKE. shameless shameless 1004 shameless 00:44:22,257 --> 00:44:24,057 shameless "BUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR BABY?" shameless shameless 1005 shameless 00:44:24,125 --> 00:44:26,527 shameless #NAME? shameless FROM TARGET, shameless shameless 1006 shameless 00:44:26,594 --> 00:44:28,562 shameless AND, UH... shameless shameless 1007 shameless 00:44:28,630 --> 00:44:30,731 shameless - SHE'S GETTING AN ABORTION. shameless IT'S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR, shameless shameless 1008 shameless 00:44:30,798 --> 00:44:33,300 shameless BUT OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW... shameless shameless 1009 shameless 00:44:37,305 --> 00:44:39,239 shameless - IT'S NOT A VERY COMPLICATED shameless RELATIONSHIP WITH A BABY. shameless shameless 1010 shameless 00:44:39,307 --> 00:44:41,575 shameless YOU-IT'S JUST SOMEBODY shameless I HAVE TO MAKE NOT DIE, shameless shameless 1011 shameless 00:44:41,643 --> 00:44:43,577 shameless THAT'S REALLY WHAT shameless THE WHOLE THING IS. shameless shameless 1012 shameless 00:44:43,645 --> 00:44:46,413 shameless AND, THERE-I'M BETTER AT IT shameless SOMETIMES THAN OTHERS. shameless shameless 1013 shameless 00:44:46,481 --> 00:44:49,416 shameless UM, ONE TIME I TOOK MY DAUGHTER shameless TO THE GROCERY STORE, shameless shameless 1014 shameless 00:44:49,484 --> 00:44:51,585 shameless AND I HAD TO PUT HER IN shameless THE STROLLER. shameless shameless 1015 shameless 00:44:51,653 --> 00:44:52,719 shameless SHE WON'T GO ON shameless THE FUCKING CART. shameless shameless 1016 shameless 00:44:52,787 --> 00:44:54,087 shameless SHE'S THE ONLY BABY shameless IN THE WORLD shameless shameless 1017 shameless 00:44:54,155 --> 00:44:56,089 shameless THAT WON'T GO IN THE SHOPPING shameless CART AND SIT THERE. shameless shameless 1018 shameless 00:44:56,157 --> 00:44:57,925 shameless YOU TRY TO PUT HER THERE shameless AND HER LEGS CURL UP, shameless shameless 1019 shameless 00:44:57,992 --> 00:44:59,927 shameless AND SHE GOES, "WAAH!" shameless FUCKING PSYCHO, shameless shameless 1020 shameless 00:44:59,994 --> 00:45:01,595 shameless SO I GOTTA PUT HER IN shameless A STROLLER, shameless shameless 1021 shameless 00:45:01,663 --> 00:45:03,864 shameless AND I GOT A CART, shameless AND I'M PUSHING THEM BOTH shameless shameless 1022 shameless 00:45:03,932 --> 00:45:06,333 shameless THROUGH THE FUCKING shameless SUPERMARKET. shameless shameless 1023 shameless 00:45:06,401 --> 00:45:08,702 shameless AND THEN I-OK, shameless SO I'M DONE SHOPPING, shameless shameless 1024 shameless 00:45:08,770 --> 00:45:10,871 shameless AND THEN I GO OUT shameless TO THE PARKING LOT. shameless shameless 1025 shameless 00:45:10,939 --> 00:45:12,873 shameless AND I OPEN THE CAR-FIRST shameless I START THE CAR shameless shameless 1026 shameless 00:45:12,941 --> 00:45:14,541 shameless BEFORE I PUT THEM IN THERE, shameless 'CAUSE I WANT IT TO GET shameless shameless 1027 shameless 00:45:14,609 --> 00:45:16,543 shameless NICE AND COOL shameless 'CAUSE I LOVE HER, shameless shameless 1028 shameless 00:45:16,611 --> 00:45:19,179 shameless SO I HAVE TO MAKE IT NICE shameless AND COMFORTABLE. shameless shameless 1029 shameless 00:45:19,247 --> 00:45:21,548 shameless LOOK, I DO, I LOVE shameless MY CHILDREN, I LOVE MY WIFE, shameless shameless 1030 shameless 00:45:21,616 --> 00:45:22,883 shameless I WISH I DIDN'T. shameless shameless 1031 shameless 00:45:22,951 --> 00:45:24,218 shameless HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE shameless TO WAKE UP ONE MORNING, shameless shameless 1032 shameless 00:45:24,285 --> 00:45:25,719 shameless "FUCK IT, I DON'T FEEL NOTHING FOR THESE ASSHOLES," shameless shameless 1033 shameless 00:45:25,787 --> 00:45:27,387 shameless AND JUST WALK OUT THE DOOR. shameless shameless 1034 shameless 00:45:27,455 --> 00:45:30,657 shameless - BUT SO FAR, shameless NO SUCH LUCK. shameless shameless 1035 shameless 00:45:30,725 --> 00:45:34,561 shameless SO, I START THE A.C., shameless THEN I PUT THE GROCERIES IN, shameless shameless 1036 shameless 00:45:34,629 --> 00:45:36,230 shameless THEN I GO TO GET MY DAUGHTER shameless OUT OF THE STROLLER, shameless shameless 1037 shameless 00:45:36,297 --> 00:45:37,731 shameless I GOT DOWN THERE, AND I REALIZE shameless THAT THE EXHAUST PIPE shameless shameless 1038 shameless 00:45:37,799 --> 00:45:39,066 shameless IS RIGHT IN HER shameless FUCKING FACE, shameless shameless 1039 shameless 00:45:39,133 --> 00:45:41,435 shameless IT'S JUST shameless FUCKING-BRRR! shameless shameless 1040 shameless 00:45:41,502 --> 00:45:43,904 shameless I'M LIKE, "FUCK!" shameless shameless 1041 shameless 00:45:46,808 --> 00:45:49,243 shameless #NAME? shameless IN THE DUMBEST shameless shameless 1042 shameless 00:45:49,310 --> 00:45:51,144 shameless FUCKING WAY EVER! shameless shameless 1043 shameless 00:45:53,648 --> 00:45:56,250 shameless - IF SHE DIED LIKE THAT, shameless I COULDN'T TELL HER MOM. shameless shameless 1044 shameless 00:45:56,317 --> 00:45:58,285 shameless I COULDN'T FUCKING GO HOME shameless WITH THAT STORY. shameless shameless 1045 shameless 00:45:58,353 --> 00:46:00,587 shameless "I PUT HER AND I FUCKING, I DON'T KNOW, I- 1046 00:46:00,655 --> 00:46:02,522 DIDN'T REALIZE-" shameless FUCK YOU. shameless shameless 1047 shameless 00:46:02,590 --> 00:46:04,024 shameless I JUST-I DON'T KNOW." shameless shameless 1048 shameless 00:46:04,092 --> 00:46:06,360 shameless I'D HAVE TO THROW HER shameless INTO TRAFFIC, ELP!" shameless shameless 1049 shameless 00:46:06,427 --> 00:46:08,028 shameless YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD shameless BE BETTER- shameless shameless 1050 shameless 00:46:08,096 --> 00:46:11,098 shameless TO ACTUALLY TELL HER THAT shameless I THREW HER INTO TRAFFIC. shameless shameless 1051 shameless 00:46:15,403 --> 00:46:18,872 shameless THE OTHER KID WE HAVE IS, UH, shameless SHE'S A GIRL AND SHE'S 4, shameless shameless 1052 shameless 00:46:18,940 --> 00:46:21,041 shameless AND SHE'S ALSO shameless A FUCKING ASSHOLE. shameless shameless 1053 shameless 00:46:21,109 --> 00:46:22,376 shameless UM... shameless shameless 1054 shameless 00:46:22,443 --> 00:46:23,510 shameless - IT'S TRUE, MAN. shameless I'M SERIOUS. shameless shameless 1055 shameless 00:46:23,578 --> 00:46:25,545 shameless I SAY THAT WITH NO REMORSE. shameless shameless 1056 shameless 00:46:25,613 --> 00:46:27,881 shameless FUCKING ASSHOLE. shameless SHE'S A DEUTSCHEBAG. shameless shameless 1057 shameless 00:46:27,949 --> 00:46:29,883 shameless SHE IS! shameless shameless 1058 shameless 00:46:29,951 --> 00:46:31,718 shameless FUCKING JERK. shameless shameless 1059 shameless 00:46:31,786 --> 00:46:32,886 shameless THE OTHER DAY, I'M LIKE, shameless shameless 1060 shameless 00:46:32,954 --> 00:46:34,054 shameless "PUT YOUR SHOES ON, WE'RE TRYING TO LEAVE. 1061 00:46:34,122 --> 00:46:35,389 PUT YOUR SHOES ON, PLEASE." shameless PUT YOUR SHOES ON. shameless shameless 1062 shameless 00:46:35,456 --> 00:46:36,556 shameless PUT YOUR SHOES ON." shameless shameless 1063 shameless 00:46:36,624 --> 00:46:37,891 shameless HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU shameless SAY THAT TO SOMEBODY BEFORE shameless shameless 1064 shameless 00:46:37,959 --> 00:46:39,593 shameless YOU JUST WANT TO KICK THEM shameless RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE? shameless shameless 1065 shameless 00:46:39,661 --> 00:46:41,395 shameless SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'RE shameless WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE shameless shameless 1066 shameless 00:46:41,462 --> 00:46:42,729 shameless THAT ARE TRYING shameless TO GO SOMEWHERE, shameless shameless 1067 shameless 00:46:42,797 --> 00:46:45,065 shameless AND YOU CAN'T GO-YOU CAN'T GO, shameless BECAUSE A MEMBER shameless shameless 1068 shameless 00:46:45,133 --> 00:46:49,136 shameless OF YOUR PARTY JUST shameless REFUSES TO PUT THEIR SHOES ON, shameless shameless 1069 shameless 00:46:49,203 --> 00:46:52,239 shameless THAT PERSON IS shameless A FUCKING ASSHOLE. OK? shameless shameless 1070 shameless 00:46:53,975 --> 00:46:55,809 shameless - YOU DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE, shameless IMAGINE BEING WITH A GROUP- shameless shameless 1071 shameless 00:46:55,877 --> 00:46:57,577 shameless HEY, WE CAN'T GO. shameless WHY? shameless shameless 1072 shameless 00:46:57,645 --> 00:46:59,079 shameless "'CAUSE FUCKING BILL WON'T PUT HIS SHOES ON, 1073 00:46:59,147 --> 00:47:00,747 HE JUST WON'T PUT THEM ON." shameless shameless 1074 shameless 00:47:00,815 --> 00:47:02,349 shameless "FUCK, BILL, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?" shameless shameless 1075 shameless 00:47:02,417 --> 00:47:04,518 shameless I DON'T WANT TO PUT THEM ON. shameless shameless 1076 shameless 00:47:04,585 --> 00:47:06,653 shameless FUCK YOU! shameless shameless 1077 shameless 00:47:09,057 --> 00:47:11,191 shameless - FUCKING KID SUCKS, SERIOUSLY, shameless THE OTHER DAY I'M- shameless shameless 1078 shameless 00:47:11,259 --> 00:47:13,360 shameless I WALK IN THE KITCHEN, shameless SHE'S TALKING TO MY WIFE. shameless shameless 1079 shameless 00:47:13,428 --> 00:47:15,862 shameless SHE SAYS, UH, "MAMA, shameless I SAW A DOGGY TODAY." shameless shameless 1080 shameless 00:47:15,930 --> 00:47:17,864 shameless AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY? shameless WHERE DID YOU SEE A DOGGY?" shameless shameless 1081 shameless 00:47:17,932 --> 00:47:20,834 shameless AND SHE'S LIKE, shameless I'M TELLING MAMA, NOT YOU. shameless shameless 1082 shameless 00:47:20,902 --> 00:47:21,868 shameless I'M LIKE, shameless HEY, FUCK YOU. shameless shameless 1083 shameless 00:47:21,936 --> 00:47:23,837 shameless I'M JUST ASKING TO BE shameless NICE ANYWAY. shameless shameless 1084 shameless 00:47:23,905 --> 00:47:25,372 shameless WHAT, YOU THINK I ACTUALLY shameless shameless 1085 shameless 00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:28,542 shameless GIVE A SHIT shameless ABOUT THE DOG YOU SAW? shameless shameless 1086 shameless 00:47:28,609 --> 00:47:30,210 shameless LIKE THAT WAS GONNA BE shameless AN AWESOME STORY shameless shameless 1087 shameless 00:47:30,278 --> 00:47:32,713 shameless THAT YOU SAW A FUCKING DOG. shameless shameless 1088 shameless 00:47:32,780 --> 00:47:35,549 shameless WHO GIVES A SHIT? shameless shameless 1089 shameless 00:47:35,616 --> 00:47:37,718 shameless I GOT BETTER STORIES THAN YOU, shameless I HAVE AN INTERESTING LIFE. shameless shameless 1090 shameless 00:47:37,785 --> 00:47:39,553 shameless I'M ON FUCKING TELEVISION shameless AND I WON AN EMMY, shameless shameless 1091 shameless 00:47:39,620 --> 00:47:41,221 shameless YOU DON'T ASK WHAT FUCKIN' shameless HAPPENED TO ME TODAY, shameless shameless 1092 shameless 00:47:41,289 --> 00:47:44,024 shameless YOU LITTLE BITCH. shameless shameless 1093 shameless 00:47:46,461 --> 00:47:48,962 shameless NO, HA HA HA HA. shameless shameless 1094 shameless 00:47:49,030 --> 00:47:52,065 shameless I DIDN'T SAY THAT shameless TO HER, OBVIOUSLY. shameless shameless 1095 shameless 00:47:52,133 --> 00:47:53,066 shameless BUT THAT'S THE THING, shameless shameless 1096 shameless 00:47:53,134 --> 00:47:54,901 shameless NOBODY EVER CALLS HER shameless ON HER BULLSHIT. shameless shameless 1097 shameless 00:47:56,471 --> 00:48:00,407 shameless - THAT'S HOW SHE GOT TO BE shameless AN ASSHOLE IN THE FIRST PLACE. shameless shameless 1098 shameless 00:48:00,475 --> 00:48:03,310 shameless NOBODY JUST GOES, shameless AH, FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW. shameless shameless 1099 shameless 00:48:05,913 --> 00:48:08,348 shameless - I'D LOVE TO FOR 1 DAY, shameless JUST FUCKING- shameless shameless 1100 shameless 00:48:08,416 --> 00:48:10,183 shameless BE TOTALLY HONEST-"OH, shameless YOU DREW A DOG? shameless shameless 1101 shameless 00:48:10,251 --> 00:48:12,018 shameless "LET ME SEE THAT. THAT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKS. 1102 00:48:12,086 --> 00:48:13,353 ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?" shameless THAT'S A SCRIBBLE. shameless shameless 1103 shameless 00:48:13,421 --> 00:48:16,156 shameless "THAT'S NOTHING, THAT'S NOT EVEN A ANYTHING. 1104 00:48:16,224 --> 00:48:18,692 SHOW ME A DOG THAT LOOKS LIKE" shameless THAT, I'LL GIVE YOU $1,000. shameless shameless 1105 shameless 00:48:18,760 --> 00:48:20,761 shameless SERIOUSLY." shameless shameless 1106 shameless 00:48:23,097 --> 00:48:25,699 shameless - AH, FUCKING, UH, shameless THE OTHER DAY I WAS JUST, LIKE shameless shameless 1107 shameless 00:48:25,767 --> 00:48:28,034 shameless JUST DREAMING ABOUT JUST shameless FUCKING KICKING HER. shameless shameless 1108 shameless 00:48:28,102 --> 00:48:29,870 shameless LIKE, KICKING HER shameless OUT A WINDOW, YOU KNOW, shameless shameless 1109 shameless 00:48:29,937 --> 00:48:32,038 shameless JUST FUCKING-PFF! shameless shameless 1110 shameless 00:48:32,106 --> 00:48:33,373 shameless #NAME? shameless FUCKING HURT HER, shameless shameless 1111 shameless 00:48:33,441 --> 00:48:36,109 shameless BUT I WANT TO-I DO, shameless YOU KNOW? shameless shameless 1112 shameless 00:48:37,612 --> 00:48:39,212 shameless ONE TIME MY DAUGHTER shameless HAD A BLACK EYE shameless shameless 1113 shameless 00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:42,215 shameless BECAUSE, UH, SHE WALKED INTO shameless A DOOR 'CAUSE SHE'S STUPID. shameless shameless 1114 shameless 00:48:42,283 --> 00:48:45,051 shameless AND, UM... shameless shameless 1115 shameless 00:48:45,119 --> 00:48:47,554 shameless SHE HAD A LITTLE BLACK EYE, shameless AND I TOOK HER TO ICE CREAM- shameless shameless 1116 shameless 00:48:47,622 --> 00:48:48,722 shameless WE WENT TO AN shameless ICE CREAM PLACE, shameless shameless 1117 shameless 00:48:48,790 --> 00:48:50,056 shameless AND EVERYBODY IN shameless THE ICE CREAM PLACE IS LIKE, shameless shameless 1118 shameless 00:48:50,124 --> 00:48:51,224 shameless GIVING ME A DIRTY LOOK. shameless shameless 1119 shameless 00:48:51,292 --> 00:48:53,727 shameless AND I REALIZE, shameless THEY THINK I HIT HER! shameless shameless 1120 shameless 00:48:53,795 --> 00:48:54,895 shameless AND SHE HAS shameless A BLACK EYE NOW, shameless shameless 1121 shameless 00:48:54,962 --> 00:48:56,196 shameless THAT'S WHY I'M TAKING HER shameless TO ICE CREAM. shameless shameless 1122 shameless 00:48:56,264 --> 00:48:57,731 shameless THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK. shameless shameless 1123 shameless 00:48:57,799 --> 00:48:59,399 shameless AND I WAS SO INSULTED, shameless shameless 1124 shameless 00:48:59,467 --> 00:49:00,901 shameless I WANTED TO SAY, shameless HEY, FUCK ALL OF YOU, OK? shameless shameless 1125 shameless 00:49:00,968 --> 00:49:02,002 shameless SHE'S THIS BIG. shameless shameless 1126 shameless 00:49:02,069 --> 00:49:04,838 shameless YOU INK IF I HIT HER shameless SHE'D HAVE A BLACK EYE? shameless shameless 1127 shameless 00:49:04,906 --> 00:49:06,840 shameless SHE'D BE FUCKING DECIMATED! shameless shameless 1128 shameless 00:49:06,908 --> 00:49:08,675 shameless THERE'D BE NOTHING THERE. shameless LOOK AT THIS SHIT. shameless shameless 1129 shameless 00:49:08,743 --> 00:49:11,912 shameless I WOULD RUIN HER HEAD shameless WITH ONE PUNCH-EASILY. shameless shameless 1130 shameless 00:49:11,979 --> 00:49:14,347 shameless SHE HAS NO DEFENSIVE SKILLS. shameless SHE FUCKING SUCKS. shameless shameless 1131 shameless 00:49:14,415 --> 00:49:16,349 shameless SHE'D BE LIKE, JUST SMILING shameless AT ME AND-PFF! shameless shameless 1132 shameless 00:49:16,417 --> 00:49:19,186 shameless THERE'D BE JUST FUCKING- shameless shameless 1133 shameless 00:49:21,055 --> 00:49:25,091 shameless #NAME? shameless LIKE A FUCKING BOMB WENT OFF. shameless shameless 1134 shameless 00:49:30,598 --> 00:49:31,865 shameless - I DON'T KNOW, shameless I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, shameless shameless 1135 shameless 00:49:31,933 --> 00:49:34,034 shameless BUT PEOPLE REALLY shameless DON'T GET WHAT IT'S LIKE shameless shameless 1136 shameless 00:49:34,101 --> 00:49:35,702 shameless WITH A KID FULL-TIME, shameless YOU KNOW- shameless shameless 1137 shameless 00:49:35,770 --> 00:49:37,871 shameless WE-WE PARENTS MAKE YOU shameless LOVE OUR KIDS shameless shameless 1138 shameless 00:49:37,939 --> 00:49:39,206 shameless 'CAUSE WE DRESS THEM UP shameless AND TAKE THEM OUT. shameless shameless 1139 shameless 00:49:39,273 --> 00:49:41,374 shameless LOOK AT HER-AND EVERYBODY shameless GOES, "OHH... NICE." shameless shameless 1140 shameless 00:49:41,442 --> 00:49:42,709 shameless BUT YOU DON'T KNOW shameless WHAT SHE'S LIKE shameless shameless 1141 shameless 00:49:42,777 --> 00:49:44,878 shameless WHEN SHE COMES HOME, shameless THE DRESS COMES OFF, shameless shameless 1142 shameless 00:49:44,946 --> 00:49:46,680 shameless SHE FUCKING RUBS shameless HER ASS IN MUD, shameless shameless 1143 shameless 00:49:46,747 --> 00:49:48,381 shameless SHE'S FUCKING GROSS. shameless shameless 1144 shameless 00:49:48,449 --> 00:49:50,217 shameless - SHE WON'T FUCKING shameless TAKE A BATH, LIKE, YOU CAN- shameless shameless 1145 shameless 00:49:50,284 --> 00:49:51,718 shameless ONCE YOU HAVE A BABY, shameless YOU CAN'T FORCE- shameless shameless 1146 shameless 00:49:51,786 --> 00:49:53,220 shameless FUCK HER, LET HER SLEEP shameless IN HER CLOTHES, shameless shameless 1147 shameless 00:49:53,287 --> 00:49:54,721 shameless I'M NOT DEALING shameless WITH IT TONIGHT. shameless shameless 1148 shameless 00:49:54,789 --> 00:49:56,556 shameless HER HAIR GETS CLUMPY, shameless SHE STINKS. shameless shameless 1149 shameless 00:49:56,624 --> 00:49:58,058 shameless SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE, shameless FUCKING, UGH! shameless shameless 1150 shameless 00:49:58,125 --> 00:50:01,728 shameless JUST FUCKING RANCID, shameless STINKY FUCKING KID. shameless shameless 1151 shameless 00:50:01,796 --> 00:50:03,063 shameless SHE FUCKIN'- shameless shameless 1152 shameless 00:50:03,130 --> 00:50:05,065 shameless IN FRONT OF PEOPLE- shameless SHE LIKE SCRATCHES HER ASSHOLE shameless shameless 1153 shameless 00:50:05,132 --> 00:50:06,366 shameless IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, LIKE, shameless shameless 1154 shameless 00:50:06,434 --> 00:50:08,902 shameless FUCKING DEEP ASSHOLE shameless SCRATCHING- shameless shameless 1155 shameless 00:50:08,970 --> 00:50:10,403 shameless IN THE FUCKING PANTIES. shameless shameless 1156 shameless 00:50:10,471 --> 00:50:11,905 shameless AND THEN SHE SMELLS shameless HER FINGER. shameless shameless 1157 shameless 00:50:11,973 --> 00:50:13,573 shameless THAT'S THE KIND OF shameless PERSON I'M TALKING ABOUT. shameless shameless 1158 shameless 00:50:13,641 --> 00:50:16,476 shameless SHE'S DISGUSTING! shameless shameless 1159 shameless 00:50:20,648 --> 00:50:22,749 shameless - THE OTHER DAY, I COME HOME, shameless AND SHE'S JUST LAYING shameless shameless 1160 shameless 00:50:22,817 --> 00:50:25,585 shameless ON THE CARPET WITH shameless JUST-SPREAD EAGLE NAKED, shameless shameless 1161 shameless 00:50:25,653 --> 00:50:27,420 shameless AND SHE'S JUST STRETCHING shameless HER VAGINA OPEN, shameless shameless 1162 shameless 00:50:27,488 --> 00:50:28,889 shameless GOING, "AAH!" shameless shameless 1163 shameless 00:50:28,956 --> 00:50:30,423 shameless JUST FUCKING- shameless shameless 1164 shameless 00:50:30,491 --> 00:50:32,759 shameless #NAME? shameless I'M LIKE, FUCK! shameless shameless 1165 shameless 00:50:32,827 --> 00:50:34,928 shameless SHIT, OK. shameless shameless 1166 shameless 00:50:36,330 --> 00:50:38,265 shameless WOW. shameless shameless 1167 shameless 00:50:38,332 --> 00:50:40,600 shameless THAT'S... WOW. shameless shameless 1168 shameless 00:50:43,004 --> 00:50:45,772 shameless - DON'T REACT. shameless I CAN'T-I CAN'T GO, shameless shameless 1169 shameless 00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:48,441 shameless AAH! I CAN'T DO THAT, shameless THAT'LL FUCK HER UP. shameless shameless 1170 shameless 00:50:48,509 --> 00:50:51,778 shameless JUST GO, HELLO, shameless HI, HOW ARE YOU? shameless shameless 1171 shameless 00:50:53,848 --> 00:50:56,449 shameless HI, HOW'S SCHOOL? OK. shameless shameless 1172 shameless 00:50:56,517 --> 00:50:58,618 shameless AAH! shameless shameless 1173 shameless 00:51:05,126 --> 00:51:06,893 shameless - I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK shameless TO DO ABOUT IT, EITHER. shameless shameless 1174 shameless 00:51:06,961 --> 00:51:08,395 shameless 'CAUSE SHE DOES IT shameless ALL THE TIME, AND I CAN'T- shameless shameless 1175 shameless 00:51:08,462 --> 00:51:10,063 shameless I DON'T WANT TO STOP HER! shameless 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? shameless shameless 1176 shameless 00:51:10,131 --> 00:51:11,398 shameless SHE'S HAPPY. shameless shameless 1177 shameless 00:51:11,465 --> 00:51:13,400 shameless THAT'S THE HAPPIEST shameless I'VE EVER SEEN ANY PERSON shameless shameless 1178 shameless 00:51:13,467 --> 00:51:16,036 shameless IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. shameless THAT'S A FUCKING HUMAN BEING shameless shameless 1179 shameless 00:51:16,103 --> 00:51:17,537 shameless AT THEIR HAPPIEST, shameless JUST, "AAH!" shameless shameless 1180 shameless 00:51:17,605 --> 00:51:19,406 shameless THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WISH shameless WE COULD DO! shameless shameless 1181 shameless 00:51:19,473 --> 00:51:21,408 shameless WE SHOULD ALL shameless BE DOING THAT, BUT- shameless shameless 1182 shameless 00:51:22,810 --> 00:51:24,411 shameless #NAME? shameless STOP IT, THOUGH, shameless shameless 1183 shameless 00:51:24,478 --> 00:51:25,745 shameless 'CAUSE SHE'LL BE shameless FUCKING HOMELESS shameless shameless 1184 shameless 00:51:25,813 --> 00:51:28,081 shameless IF SHE DOESN'T CUT shameless THIS SHIT. shameless shameless 1185 shameless 00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:35,255 shameless - SO, YEAH, shameless IT'S FUCKIN'... shameless shameless 1186 shameless 00:51:35,323 --> 00:51:36,890 shameless MY WIFE, UM, shameless shameless 1187 shameless 00:51:36,958 --> 00:51:38,425 shameless TOOK THE KIDS OUT shameless THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE- shameless shameless 1188 shameless 00:51:38,492 --> 00:51:40,927 shameless SHE JUST-THE MOST shameless AMAZING THING IS WHEN- shameless shameless 1189 shameless 00:51:40,995 --> 00:51:42,429 shameless WHEN YOU GET TO BE shameless ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE. shameless shameless 1190 shameless 00:51:42,496 --> 00:51:44,264 shameless AS A DAD, YOU NEVER GET TO BE shameless ALONE. OR AS A M. shameless shameless 1191 shameless 00:51:44,332 --> 00:51:45,932 shameless BUT WHEN THE OTHER PARENT shameless TAKES THE KIDS OUT, shameless shameless 1192 shameless 00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:47,601 shameless AND YOU'RE ALONE, shameless THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME. shameless shameless 1193 shameless 00:51:47,668 --> 00:51:49,102 shameless AND I THINK shameless I'M GETTING OLDER, shameless shameless 1194 shameless 00:51:49,170 --> 00:51:50,937 shameless 'CAUSE THE WAY I USE THAT TIME shameless HAS TOTALLY CHANGED. shameless shameless 1195 shameless 00:51:51,005 --> 00:51:53,106 shameless I USED TO HAVE, YOU KNOW, shameless JERK FEST 2006, shameless shameless 1196 shameless 00:51:53,174 --> 00:51:54,441 shameless ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME? shameless shameless 1197 shameless 00:51:54,508 --> 00:51:56,943 shameless JERKING OFF shameless IN MY OWN HOUSE... shameless shameless 1198 shameless 00:51:57,011 --> 00:51:59,446 shameless ALONE, IN MY OWN BED... shameless shameless 1199 shameless 00:51:59,513 --> 00:52:01,781 shameless TAKING MY TIME, shameless GO THROUGH MY WIFE'S SHIT shameless shameless 1200 shameless 00:52:01,849 --> 00:52:03,216 shameless FOR PICTURES OF HER FRIENDS shameless I WANT TO FUCK, shameless shameless 1201 shameless 00:52:03,284 --> 00:52:05,518 shameless EVERYTHING WAS AWESOME! shameless shameless 1202 shameless 00:52:09,790 --> 00:52:11,391 shameless - BUT I'M OLDER NOW, shameless SO I DON'T DO THAT. shameless shameless 1203 shameless 00:52:11,459 --> 00:52:12,559 shameless I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. shameless shameless 1204 shameless 00:52:12,627 --> 00:52:14,561 shameless NOW WHEN EVERYBODY LEAVES, shameless YOU KNOW WHAT I DO? shameless shameless 1205 shameless 00:52:14,629 --> 00:52:17,697 shameless I JUST SHIT FOR HOURS. shameless I TAKE A BIG, LONG- shameless shameless 1206 shameless 00:52:17,765 --> 00:52:20,400 shameless BEAUTIFULLY PRIVATE SHIT, shameless shameless 1207 shameless 00:52:20,468 --> 00:52:23,436 shameless WITH NOBODY FUCKING WITH ME. shameless THAT'S MY DREAM- shameless shameless 1208 shameless 00:52:23,471 --> 00:52:26,406 shameless IN LIFE- shameless IS TO TAKE A SHIT shameless shameless 1209 shameless 00:52:26,474 --> 00:52:27,574 shameless WITHOUT PEOPLE shameless FUCKING WITH ME. shameless shameless 1210 shameless 00:52:27,642 --> 00:52:29,409 shameless 'CAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS, shameless FIRST OF ALL, shameless shameless 1211 shameless 00:52:29,477 --> 00:52:31,411 shameless THE OTHER PARENT STARTS shameless BANGING AWAY ON THE DOOR, shameless shameless 1212 shameless 00:52:31,479 --> 00:52:33,580 shameless "GET OUT OF THERE! HELP ME!" shameless shameless 1213 shameless 00:52:34,982 --> 00:52:37,083 shameless - OR MY 4-YEAR-OLD WALKS IN shameless WHILE I'M SHITTING. shameless shameless 1214 shameless 00:52:37,151 --> 00:52:38,885 shameless SHE JUST FUCKING shameless WALKS IN THE ROOM shameless shameless 1215 shameless 00:52:38,953 --> 00:52:43,590 shameless AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE. shameless shameless 1216 shameless 00:52:43,658 --> 00:52:45,425 shameless - I'M LIKE, shameless GET OUT OF HERE! shameless shameless 1217 shameless 00:52:45,493 --> 00:52:48,595 shameless MY ASSHOLE IS THIS BIG, I'M shameless PUSHING A SHIT OUT RIGHT NOW, shameless shameless 1218 shameless 00:52:48,663 --> 00:52:52,165 shameless I DON'T WANT TO SEE shameless A CUTE FACE AT THIS MOMENT. shameless shameless 1219 shameless 00:52:53,134 --> 00:52:55,101 shameless THAT'S TRAUMATIZING. shameless shameless 1220 shameless 00:52:58,506 --> 00:53:01,441 shameless - AND I-AND SO WHEN THEY LEAVE, shameless EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE TO, shameless shameless 1221 shameless 00:53:01,509 --> 00:53:03,376 shameless I JUST SHIT FOR A FUCKING HOUR, shameless MY ASS DRIES OUT, shameless shameless 1222 shameless 00:53:03,444 --> 00:53:05,679 shameless I DON'T CARE. I STAY THERE shameless 'CAUSE I LOVE SHITTING. shameless shameless 1223 shameless 00:53:05,746 --> 00:53:07,881 shameless THAT'S HOW OLD I AM, shameless I LOVE TO SHIT. shameless shameless 1224 shameless 00:53:07,948 --> 00:53:09,382 shameless IT'S MY FAVORITE THING. shameless shameless 1225 shameless 00:53:09,450 --> 00:53:10,684 shameless I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY shameless CALL IT NUMBER 2, shameless shameless 1226 shameless 00:53:10,751 --> 00:53:12,218 shameless I THINK IT'S EASILY shameless THE BEST ONE. shameless shameless 1227 shameless 00:53:12,286 --> 00:53:14,054 shameless IN MY BOOK, IT'S NUMBER 1. shameless shameless 1228 shameless 00:53:20,294 --> 00:53:22,195 shameless HA HA. shameless shameless 1229 shameless 00:53:22,263 --> 00:53:24,731 shameless BUT, UH, NO, IT'S- shameless shameless 1230 shameless 00:53:24,799 --> 00:53:27,400 shameless IT'S HARD, HAVING KIDS shameless AND BEING MARRIED, shameless shameless 1231 shameless 00:53:27,468 --> 00:53:30,070 shameless IT'S DIFFICULT, AND, shameless YOU KNOW, WHATEVER, BUT- shameless shameless 1232 shameless 00:53:30,137 --> 00:53:32,238 shameless ONE THING THAT'S shameless MADE ME-IT'S IMPOSSIBLE shameless shameless 1233 shameless 00:53:32,306 --> 00:53:34,240 shameless FOR ME TO HAVE ANY SYMPATHY shameless FOR SINGLE PEOPLE. shameless shameless 1234 shameless 00:53:34,308 --> 00:53:36,042 shameless I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT shameless ABOUT SINGLE PEOPLE. shameless shameless 1235 shameless 00:53:36,110 --> 00:53:37,911 shameless I DON'T DISLIKE SINGLE PEOPLE, shameless BUT I DON'T GET- shameless shameless 1236 shameless 00:53:37,978 --> 00:53:39,746 shameless WHENEVER SINGLE PEOPLE shameless COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING, shameless shameless 1237 shameless 00:53:39,814 --> 00:53:41,581 shameless I REALLY WANT THEM TO JUST shameless SHUT THE FUCK UP. shameless shameless 1238 shameless 00:53:41,649 --> 00:53:43,883 shameless BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, shameless IF YOU'RE SINGLE, shameless shameless 1239 shameless 00:53:43,951 --> 00:53:46,486 shameless YOU LIFE HAS NO CONSEQUENCE shameless ON THE EARTH. shameless shameless 1240 shameless 00:53:46,554 --> 00:53:48,254 shameless EVEN IF YOU'RE HELPING shameless PEOPLE AGGRESSIVELY, shameless shameless 1241 shameless 00:53:48,322 --> 00:53:49,756 shameless WHICH YOU'RE shameless FUCKING NOT, shameless shameless 1242 shameless 00:53:49,824 --> 00:53:51,257 shameless NOBODY GIVES A SHIT shameless WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU. shameless shameless 1243 shameless 00:53:51,325 --> 00:53:53,226 shameless YOU CAN DIE, AND IT shameless ACTUALLY DOESN'T MATTER. shameless shameless 1244 shameless 00:53:53,294 --> 00:53:54,928 shameless IT DOESN'T. YOUR MOTHER shameless WILL CRY, WHATEVER. shameless shameless 1245 shameless 00:53:54,995 --> 00:53:56,763 shameless BUT OTHERWISE, NOBODY shameless GIVES A SHIT. shameless shameless 1246 shameless 00:53:56,831 --> 00:53:58,598 shameless I CAN'T DIE, shameless I GOT 2 KIDS shameless shameless 1247 shameless 00:53:58,666 --> 00:54:00,100 shameless AND MY WIFE DOESN'T shameless FUCKING WORK. shameless shameless 1248 shameless 00:54:00,167 --> 00:54:02,368 shameless SO I DON'T GET TO DIE. shameless I CAN'T DIE. shameless shameless 1249 shameless 00:54:02,436 --> 00:54:04,704 shameless I LOVE HER, BUT SHE'S shameless A PAINTER, GREAT. shameless shameless 1250 shameless 00:54:04,772 --> 00:54:07,540 shameless PAINT A DOLLAR AND TAKE shameless SOME PRESSURE OFF, PLEASE. shameless shameless 1251 shameless 00:54:07,608 --> 00:54:09,375 shameless BUT SO- shameless shameless 1252 shameless 00:54:09,443 --> 00:54:11,211 shameless - BUT SINGLE PEOPLE, shameless WHEN YOU-WHEN YOU- shameless shameless 1253 shameless 00:54:11,278 --> 00:54:13,713 shameless THEY COMPLAIN, shameless LIKE, WE DON'T COMPLAIN. shameless shameless 1254 shameless 00:54:13,781 --> 00:54:15,882 shameless WHEN YOU ASK A PARENT, shameless HEY, HOW'S THE FAMILY? shameless shameless 1255 shameless 00:54:15,950 --> 00:54:18,351 shameless WE GO, "GREAT." shameless THAT'S ALL WE EVER SAY. shameless shameless 1256 shameless 00:54:18,419 --> 00:54:21,054 shameless IT'S NEVER FUCKIN' GREAT, shameless BUT WE SAY GREAT, shameless shameless 1257 shameless 00:54:21,122 --> 00:54:22,555 shameless 'CAUSE WE'RE NOT shameless GONNA TELL YOU, shameless shameless 1258 shameless 00:54:22,623 --> 00:54:25,558 shameless "WELL, MY WIFE ASSASSINATED MY SEXUAL IDENTITY," shameless shameless 1259 shameless 00:54:25,626 --> 00:54:28,061 shameless AND, "UH, MY CHILDREN shameless ARE EATING MY DREAMS." shameless shameless 1260 shameless 00:54:28,129 --> 00:54:29,729 shameless WE DON'T FUCKING shameless BOTHER YOU WITH THAT. shameless shameless 1261 shameless 00:54:29,797 --> 00:54:32,565 shameless WE JUST SAY, "GREAT." shameless shameless 1262 shameless 00:54:32,633 --> 00:54:34,567 shameless BUT IF YOU ASK A SINGLE shameless PERSON, "HOW'S IT GOIN'?" shameless shameless 1263 shameless 00:54:34,635 --> 00:54:36,536 shameless THEY'RE LIKE, shameless "WELL, MY APARTMENT DOESN'T 1264 00:54:36,604 --> 00:54:39,672 GET ENOUGH SOUTHERN LIGHT," shameless AND THE CARPETING shameless shameless 1265 shameless 00:54:39,740 --> 00:54:41,407 shameless IS GETTING shameless A LITTLE MOLDY... " shameless shameless 1266 shameless 00:54:41,475 --> 00:54:43,576 shameless YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO? shameless BURN IT DOWN AND KILL YOURSELF, shameless shameless 1267 shameless 00:54:43,644 --> 00:54:45,879 shameless 'CAUSE NOBODY shameless FUCKING CARES. shameless shameless 1268 shameless 00:54:45,946 --> 00:54:48,748 shameless "MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T LIKE THE SAME MUSIC AS ME, 1269 00:54:48,816 --> 00:54:50,917 AND SHE ACTS BORED AT PARTIES... " shameless shameless 1270 shameless 00:54:50,985 --> 00:54:52,585 shameless FUCKING CALL HER shameless AND SAY, "FUCK YOU," shameless shameless 1271 shameless 00:54:52,653 --> 00:54:54,420 shameless AND HANG UP shameless AND LEAVE HER! shameless shameless 1272 shameless 00:54:54,488 --> 00:54:56,756 shameless YOU CAN END THAT SHIT shameless WITH A PHONE CALL. shameless shameless 1273 shameless 00:54:56,824 --> 00:54:58,925 shameless I NEED A FUCKING GUN shameless AND A PLANE TICKET shameless shameless 1274 shameless 00:54:58,993 --> 00:55:00,760 shameless AND BLEACH AND SHIT, shameless I NEED A WHOLE BUNCH OF- shameless shameless 1275 shameless 00:55:03,597 --> 00:55:06,199 shameless - THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH, shameless YOU'VE BEEN REALLY GREAT. 1 live at beacon theatre 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 live at beacon theatre Advertise your product or brand here live at beacon theatre contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 2 live at beacon theatre 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,000 live at beacon theatre [indistinct chatter] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 3 live at beacon theatre 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:00,000 live at beacon theatre -- Louis! live at beacon theatre -- Louis! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 4 live at beacon theatre 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,000 live at beacon theatre [indistinct chatter] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 5 live at beacon theatre 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:13,500 live at beacon theatre [cheering] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 6 live at beacon theatre 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,600 live at beacon theatre Alright, let's get started. live at beacon theatre Go ahead, sit down. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 7 live at beacon theatre 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,990 live at beacon theatre Okay, yes, sit down, live at beacon theatre we're just starting. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 8 live at beacon theatre 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,990 live at beacon theatre There's no opening act. live at beacon theatre Fuck it. Just, let's start. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 9 live at beacon theatre 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,500 live at beacon theatre Let's just start. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 10 live at beacon theatre 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,900 live at beacon theatre Get your seats. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 11 live at beacon theatre 00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:07,100 live at beacon theatre Get your beers and everybody live at beacon theatre go ahead, sit down. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 12 live at beacon theatre 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:10,000 live at beacon theatre Kill the house lights. live at beacon theatre Let's just start. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 13 live at beacon theatre 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:12,990 live at beacon theatre Let's just start a show. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 14 live at beacon theatre 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:17,500 live at beacon theatre There's no point in live at beacon theatre screwing around. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 15 live at beacon theatre 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,690 live at beacon theatre I'll do all the anouncements live at beacon theatre that you would have heard. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 16 live at beacon theatre 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:25,700 live at beacon theatre Please turn off your cell phones. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 17 live at beacon theatre 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,300 live at beacon theatre You can take pictures but live at beacon theatre turn off the flash. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 18 live at beacon theatre 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,100 live at beacon theatre That's stupid, live at beacon theatre because it's not-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 19 live at beacon theatre 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,790 live at beacon theatre You know when you're watching the live at beacon theatre World Series and there's all that-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 20 live at beacon theatre 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,800 live at beacon theatre Like your flash is lighting live at beacon theatre Yankee Stadium. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 21 live at beacon theatre 00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,800 live at beacon theatre Just leave your flash off. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 22 live at beacon theatre 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,400 live at beacon theatre Don't yell out during the show. live at beacon theatre If you have something you live at beacon theatre want to say to me... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 23 live at beacon theatre 00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:47,990 live at beacon theatre This is what we do. live at beacon theatre We write it down live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 24 live at beacon theatre 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,790 live at beacon theatre and then you go live at beacon theatre outside in the lobby live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 25 live at beacon theatre 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,290 live at beacon theatre and then you go home and live at beacon theatre you kill yourself live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 26 live at beacon theatre 00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:55,790 live at beacon theatre because, that's selfish. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 27 live at beacon theatre 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,800 live at beacon theatre This is a rhetorical performance. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 28 live at beacon theatre 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,990 live at beacon theatre It's got nothing to do with you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 29 live at beacon theatre 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,590 live at beacon theatre Don't text or twitter during live at beacon theatre the show. Just live your life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 30 live at beacon theatre 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,090 live at beacon theatre Don't keep telling people live at beacon theatre what you're doing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 31 live at beacon theatre 00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:10,090 live at beacon theatre Just, because also-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 32 live at beacon theatre 00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:12,300 live at beacon theatre also-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 33 live at beacon theatre 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,800 live at beacon theatre it lights up your big live at beacon theatre dumb face. It lights it up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 34 live at beacon theatre 00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:19,600 live at beacon theatre I see this beautiful see of live at beacon theatre darkness and then just one guy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 35 live at beacon theatre 00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:22,690 live at beacon theatre So, don't do that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 36 live at beacon theatre 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:25,900 live at beacon theatre What else? No jews, live at beacon theatre I think they said that earlier. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 37 live at beacon theatre 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:29,100 live at beacon theatre They told me I have to say it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 38 live at beacon theatre 00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,390 live at beacon theatre Jews aren't allowed. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 39 live at beacon theatre 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,390 live at beacon theatre If you're jewish this live at beacon theatre is a good time to go. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 40 live at beacon theatre 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,390 live at beacon theatre If you see somebody kind of Jewey live at beacon theatre looking then please tell an usher live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 41 live at beacon theatre 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,900 live at beacon theatre and they will-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 42 live at beacon theatre 00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,690 live at beacon theatre Sir, come on. live at beacon theatre Let's go. Come on. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 43 live at beacon theatre 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,700 live at beacon theatre Yes, let's go. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 44 live at beacon theatre 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,290 live at beacon theatre But, I'm really glad you're here. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 45 live at beacon theatre 00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,300 live at beacon theatre This is a sizeable crowd. live at beacon theatre This is a big place. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 46 live at beacon theatre 00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:57,700 live at beacon theatre There's about 2500 people live at beacon theatre here, and that's-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 47 live at beacon theatre 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,390 live at beacon theatre That's a lot of people. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 48 live at beacon theatre 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,400 live at beacon theatre That's enough people to be live at beacon theatre a sample of the population. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 49 live at beacon theatre 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:08,100 live at beacon theatre 2500 people is enough people that live at beacon theatre you're all going to experience-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 50 live at beacon theatre 00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:13,000 live at beacon theatre There's enough people here to live at beacon theatre say that within two months live at beacon theatre at least one of you will die. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 51 live at beacon theatre 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:19,200 live at beacon theatre I'm just saying. I think it's live at beacon theatre probably accurate to say live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 52 live at beacon theatre 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:23,200 live at beacon theatre that out of any random live at beacon theatre group of 2500 people live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 53 live at beacon theatre 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:26,800 live at beacon theatre not all of you are gonna make live at beacon theatre it to Christmas, unfortunately. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 54 live at beacon theatre 00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:29,990 live at beacon theatre There's gonna be-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 55 live at beacon theatre 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,000 live at beacon theatre At least one of you here tonight live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 56 live at beacon theatre 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,000 live at beacon theatre is going to ruin your live at beacon theatre family's Christmas live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 57 live at beacon theatre 00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:40,590 live at beacon theatre by dying a shitty death. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 58 live at beacon theatre 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,600 live at beacon theatre And I don't know live at beacon theatre who it is, I'm sorry. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 59 live at beacon theatre 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,890 live at beacon theatre I don't know, your live at beacon theatre death is whatever-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 60 live at beacon theatre 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:50,900 live at beacon theatre Some people, they want you to do live at beacon theatre things when they die with their-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 61 live at beacon theatre 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:55,100 live at beacon theatre "I want you to take my ashes and sprinkle--" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 62 live at beacon theatre 00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:58,700 live at beacon theatre Fuck you, I'm not doing live at beacon theatre none of that shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 63 live at beacon theatre 00:05:59,000 --> 00:05:59,990 live at beacon theatre You're dead. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 64 live at beacon theatre 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,000 live at beacon theatre I'm not going to run errands live at beacon theatre for you after you're dead. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 65 live at beacon theatre 00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:06,700 live at beacon theatre You don't matter anymore. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 66 live at beacon theatre 00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:14,500 live at beacon theatre Some people try to do something live at beacon theatre noble with their bodies. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 67 live at beacon theatre 00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:17,290 live at beacon theatre They try to have their bodies live at beacon theatre have some use after they're dead, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 68 live at beacon theatre 00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:18,990 live at beacon theatre which I think is a good thought. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 69 live at beacon theatre 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,790 live at beacon theatre You're only borrowing your body. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 70 live at beacon theatre 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:21,990 live at beacon theatre You're only borrowing everything. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 71 live at beacon theatre 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,490 live at beacon theatre If you're body's worth anything live at beacon theatre when you're done with it live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 72 live at beacon theatre 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:25,390 live at beacon theatre you should pass it on. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 73 live at beacon theatre 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:26,990 live at beacon theatre That's something I really believe. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 74 live at beacon theatre 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,000 live at beacon theatre I mean, I'm not going live at beacon theatre to do it, because live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 75 live at beacon theatre 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,200 live at beacon theatre I don't want--eew--it's mine. live at beacon theatre I don't want-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 76 live at beacon theatre 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,690 live at beacon theatre I have a lot of beliefs live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 77 live at beacon theatre 00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:37,190 live at beacon theatre and I live by none of them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 78 live at beacon theatre 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,990 live at beacon theatre That's just the way I am. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 79 live at beacon theatre 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:39,990 live at beacon theatre They're just my beliefs. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 80 live at beacon theatre 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,790 live at beacon theatre I just like believing them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 81 live at beacon theatre 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,890 live at beacon theatre I like that part. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 82 live at beacon theatre 00:06:43,900 --> 00:06:47,800 live at beacon theatre They're my little believies. live at beacon theatre They make me feel good live at beacon theatre about who I am. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 83 live at beacon theatre 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,590 live at beacon theatre But if they get in the live at beacon theatre way of a thing I want live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 84 live at beacon theatre 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,590 live at beacon theatre or I want to jack off or live at beacon theatre something, I fucking do that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 85 live at beacon theatre 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,600 live at beacon theatre But-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 86 live at beacon theatre 00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:58,900 live at beacon theatre But some people take their-- live at beacon theatre my grandma, uh, grandmother live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 87 live at beacon theatre 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:03,500 live at beacon theatre She--just, uh, for the layman-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 88 live at beacon theatre 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,390 live at beacon theatre My grandmother, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 89 live at beacon theatre 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,890 live at beacon theatre she gave her body to live at beacon theatre a medical school live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 90 live at beacon theatre 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,900 live at beacon theatre for it just to be live at beacon theatre examined and disected, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 91 live at beacon theatre 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:17,390 live at beacon theatre which is a good thought for that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 92 live at beacon theatre 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,400 live at beacon theatre But you know her survivors live at beacon theatre are--her family--- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 93 live at beacon theatre 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:21,990 live at beacon theatre That was a person. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 94 live at beacon theatre 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,000 live at beacon theatre That was my grandmother. live at beacon theatre She used to wear glasses live at beacon theatre and say things. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 95 live at beacon theatre 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:30,300 live at beacon theatre And now she's just shaved live at beacon theatre head on a metal table live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 96 live at beacon theatre 00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:33,900 live at beacon theatre with a hungover medical student live at beacon theatre trying to dig our her pancreas. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 97 live at beacon theatre 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:36,990 live at beacon theatre And he gets an "F". live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 98 live at beacon theatre 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,000 live at beacon theatre Imagine being the body where live at beacon theatre the kid got an "F" on you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 99 live at beacon theatre 00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:46,590 live at beacon theatre The teacher's like, live at beacon theatre No, you idiot. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 100 live at beacon theatre 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,600 live at beacon theatre And he writes "F" on her tit live at beacon theatre with a Sharpie and just live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 101 live at beacon theatre 00:07:50,700 --> 00:07:53,700 live at beacon theatre throws her down a shoot live at beacon theatre on a pile of "F" bodies. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 102 live at beacon theatre 00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:03,900 live at beacon theatre So, I don't care about her. live at beacon theatre [shout from audience] Louis! live at beacon theatre Shut up, idiot. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 103 live at beacon theatre 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,390 live at beacon theatre Just shut your fucking mouth. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 104 live at beacon theatre 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,400 live at beacon theatre Didn't you hear me before? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 105 live at beacon theatre 00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:17,190 live at beacon theatre Okay, so what am I going to do live at beacon theatre with my body. I'm going to die live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 106 live at beacon theatre 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,390 live at beacon theatre and I have to tell people live at beacon theatre what to do with my remains. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 107 live at beacon theatre 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,890 live at beacon theatre I have an idea for something live at beacon theatre to do with my body live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 108 live at beacon theatre 00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:24,490 live at beacon theatre or for other people to do with it, live at beacon theatre that will do good in the world. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 109 live at beacon theatre 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,790 live at beacon theatre It doesn't exist yet live at beacon theatre as an institution live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 110 live at beacon theatre 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,990 live at beacon theatre but I'm gonna create it, live at beacon theatre starting with my body. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 111 live at beacon theatre 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,490 live at beacon theatre What it is, it's a place live at beacon theatre where you can go live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 112 live at beacon theatre 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,190 live at beacon theatre and be with a dead body live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 113 live at beacon theatre 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,490 live at beacon theatre and you just do live at beacon theatre whatever you want. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 114 live at beacon theatre 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,890 live at beacon theatre And-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 115 live at beacon theatre 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,690 live at beacon theatre the point of this live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 116 live at beacon theatre 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,990 live at beacon theatre is that there are people out there live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 117 live at beacon theatre 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,000 live at beacon theatre who have sexual compulsions live at beacon theatre and they can't control them live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 118 live at beacon theatre 00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:47,100 live at beacon theatre and so they go and they live at beacon theatre bother alive people. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 119 live at beacon theatre 00:08:47,300 --> 00:08:50,290 live at beacon theatre And with this you get it live at beacon theatre out of your system. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 120 live at beacon theatre 00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:52,690 live at beacon theatre This is the deal. live at beacon theatre You go in the room. live at beacon theatre There's nobody else with you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 121 live at beacon theatre 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:56,690 live at beacon theatre You've got 90 minutes. live at beacon theatre You just do whatever you live at beacon theatre want, whatever it is. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 122 live at beacon theatre 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,790 live at beacon theatre Shit in my mouth. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 123 live at beacon theatre 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,990 live at beacon theatre You want to-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 124 live at beacon theatre 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,490 live at beacon theatre Stick my toe in your pussy. live at beacon theatre Piss on my face. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 125 live at beacon theatre 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:06,500 live at beacon theatre Whatever is the thing you gotta do. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 126 live at beacon theatre 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:09,790 live at beacon theatre Jack off with the cartilage of my ear. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 127 live at beacon theatre 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,800 live at beacon theatre Whatever is your heart's desire. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 128 live at beacon theatre 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:16,700 live at beacon theatre I want to be the Willy Wonka live at beacon theatre for perverts. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 129 live at beacon theatre 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:24,490 live at beacon theatre [singing] You can come on my back live at beacon theatre and pretend that I'm your father. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 130 live at beacon theatre 00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,500 live at beacon theatre [singing] I am dead, I don't mind. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 131 live at beacon theatre 00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:40,300 live at beacon theatre Sexual perversion is a problem. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 132 live at beacon theatre 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,500 live at beacon theatre You can't stop it. live at beacon theatre People gotta do what they gotta do. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 133 live at beacon theatre 00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:45,990 live at beacon theatre This country is pretty perverted. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 134 live at beacon theatre 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,690 live at beacon theatre We have to jack off to everything. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 135 live at beacon theatre 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:51,700 live at beacon theatre There's not sex and then everything. live at beacon theatre Sex is in everything. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 136 live at beacon theatre 00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:54,490 live at beacon theatre You watch the news and live at beacon theatre there's a woman telling you, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 137 live at beacon theatre 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,590 live at beacon theatre And in Libya... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 138 live at beacon theatre 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,990 live at beacon theatre Yeah tell me about Libya. live at beacon theatre Fucking tell me about Libya. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 139 live at beacon theatre 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,590 live at beacon theatre Say, "Libya" again. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 140 live at beacon theatre 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,090 live at beacon theatre Come on, fucking right up to live at beacon theatre the screen, on my flatscreen. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 141 live at beacon theatre 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,590 live at beacon theatre Come on, say, "Libya" again. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 142 live at beacon theatre 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:07,600 live at beacon theatre [grunting] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 143 live at beacon theatre 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,990 live at beacon theatre It should just be a person, live at beacon theatre In Libya... or whatever. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 144 live at beacon theatre 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,000 live at beacon theatre Why does it all have live at beacon theatre to be so sexualized? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 145 live at beacon theatre 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,000 live at beacon theatre And music, every live at beacon theatre musician is attractive. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 146 live at beacon theatre 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,890 live at beacon theatre Isn't that a weird coincidence live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 147 live at beacon theatre 00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:22,390 live at beacon theatre that everyone who can play live at beacon theatre music also looks good? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 148 live at beacon theatre 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:26,290 live at beacon theatre I would have thought there'd live at beacon theatre be one ugly guy with a guitar live at beacon theatre who would be amazing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 149 live at beacon theatre 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:29,300 live at beacon theatre But, fucking zero. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 150 live at beacon theatre 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:34,400 live at beacon theatre And there's teen pop idols live at beacon theatre who are children. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 151 live at beacon theatre 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,000 live at beacon theatre And they're on TV going-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 152 live at beacon theatre 00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:40,390 live at beacon theatre It's a kid live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 153 live at beacon theatre 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,400 live at beacon theatre and folks are jacking off to them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 154 live at beacon theatre 00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:46,500 live at beacon theatre Folks. live at beacon theatre Just "Folks" are jacking off. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 155 live at beacon theatre 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:52,000 live at beacon theatre [singing] Well, folks are jacking live at beacon theatre off to the girls on TV. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 156 live at beacon theatre 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:59,100 live at beacon theatre Some of them are really young. live at beacon theatre I don't know their names. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 157 live at beacon theatre 00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:02,090 live at beacon theatre I don't have that live at beacon theatre knowledge anymore. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 158 live at beacon theatre 00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:03,390 live at beacon theatre I'm too old. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 159 live at beacon theatre 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,400 live at beacon theatre When I think of a teen idol, live at beacon theatre there's Britney Spears. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 160 live at beacon theatre 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,590 live at beacon theatre Because she's my age now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 161 live at beacon theatre 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,490 live at beacon theatre That's how long ago that was. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 162 live at beacon theatre 00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:13,990 live at beacon theatre She caught up to me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 163 live at beacon theatre 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:18,000 live at beacon theatre When I was 35, she was 18. live at beacon theatre And now we're both 44 years old. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 164 live at beacon theatre 00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:23,100 live at beacon theatre So that's how little I know about live at beacon theatre who these people are. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 165 live at beacon theatre 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,490 live at beacon theatre I was thinking the other day, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 166 live at beacon theatre 00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:30,390 live at beacon theatre what if there was a live at beacon theatre baby who was born live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 167 live at beacon theatre 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,600 live at beacon theatre and there's been a lot of fucked up live at beacon theatre babies, all kinds of babies born. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 168 live at beacon theatre 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:38,500 live at beacon theatre There's been babies live at beacon theatre connected at the face, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 169 live at beacon theatre 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,800 live at beacon theatre to a dog or whatever, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 170 live at beacon theatre 00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,390 live at beacon theatre babies with three legs, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 171 live at beacon theatre 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,190 live at beacon theatre with hands on them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 172 live at beacon theatre 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:49,590 live at beacon theatre There's been live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 173 live at beacon theatre 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,090 live at beacon theatre Chinese babies. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 174 live at beacon theatre 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,290 live at beacon theatre That's-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 175 live at beacon theatre 00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:54,890 live at beacon theatre Okay, that's-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 176 live at beacon theatre 00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:57,900 live at beacon theatre That's the worst thing I ever said. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 177 live at beacon theatre 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,190 live at beacon theatre I think I just finally said live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 178 live at beacon theatre 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,000 live at beacon theatre the worst thing I have ever said. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 179 live at beacon theatre 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,000 live at beacon theatre That was totally live at beacon theatre unredeeming and horrible. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 180 live at beacon theatre 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,490 live at beacon theatre And it feels good. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 181 live at beacon theatre 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:11,990 live at beacon theatre It feels good to have live at beacon theatre found bottom. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 182 live at beacon theatre 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,990 live at beacon theatre There's a comfort in knowing live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 183 live at beacon theatre 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,000 live at beacon theatre that I just said the worst thing I'll live at beacon theatre ever say in the rest of my life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 184 live at beacon theatre 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,000 live at beacon theatre [exhaling] live at beacon theatre It's good. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 185 live at beacon theatre 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,200 live at beacon theatre All right. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 186 live at beacon theatre 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,390 live at beacon theatre Yeah, I'm not a good guy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 187 live at beacon theatre 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,790 live at beacon theatre I am not. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 188 live at beacon theatre 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,490 live at beacon theatre I wish I was a good guy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 189 live at beacon theatre 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:34,290 live at beacon theatre I like the idea of being live at beacon theatre a good guy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 190 live at beacon theatre 00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:38,300 live at beacon theatre Sometimes I have the opportunity live at beacon theatre to be a good guy and then I live at beacon theatre don't necessarily do it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 191 live at beacon theatre 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,190 live at beacon theatre I was on a plane once and live at beacon theatre I was flying first class, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 192 live at beacon theatre 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,990 live at beacon theatre because I had a thing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 193 live at beacon theatre 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,490 live at beacon theatre I first class. live at beacon theatre Who cares? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 194 live at beacon theatre 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:46,990 live at beacon theatre Just-- That's the way it is. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 195 live at beacon theatre 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,590 live at beacon theatre I don't-- I'm not like you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 196 live at beacon theatre 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,390 live at beacon theatre I'm not. I'm not. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 197 live at beacon theatre 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,900 live at beacon theatre All the things you do, I do a live at beacon theatre better version of all those things. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 198 live at beacon theatre 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,500 live at beacon theatre And-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 199 live at beacon theatre 00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:00,900 live at beacon theatre It's only for another year at live at beacon theatre the most, believe me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 200 live at beacon theatre 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,790 live at beacon theatre It's not gonna last. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 201 live at beacon theatre 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:06,600 live at beacon theatre It's been about eight months. live at beacon theatre I've got a year left and then I'm live at beacon theatre back to being just like you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 202 live at beacon theatre 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,600 live at beacon theatre But for now, it's pretty good. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 203 live at beacon theatre 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:17,000 live at beacon theatre I'm in a first class seat and live at beacon theatre first class is so crazily better. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 204 live at beacon theatre 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,890 live at beacon theatre It's so much better. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 205 live at beacon theatre 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,590 live at beacon theatre You get a bigger seat. live at beacon theatre You get food. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 206 live at beacon theatre 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,490 live at beacon theatre But also, you get to sit first. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 207 live at beacon theatre 00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,690 live at beacon theatre You get to sit before live at beacon theatre anybody else does. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 208 live at beacon theatre 00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:29,700 live at beacon theatre They sit you down and you get live at beacon theatre to just sit there with champagne live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 209 live at beacon theatre 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:33,100 live at beacon theatre and watch all the sweaty, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 210 live at beacon theatre 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:36,890 live at beacon theatre miserable, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 211 live at beacon theatre 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:39,900 live at beacon theatre all the single moms hefting live at beacon theatre their stroller and the kid. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 212 live at beacon theatre 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,400 live at beacon theatre "That looks heavy and nobody's helping you. That's a drag." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 213 live at beacon theatre 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:48,100 live at beacon theatre And you get to just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 214 live at beacon theatre 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,390 live at beacon theatre Anyway, so I'm on the plane. live at beacon theatre I'm in first class live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 215 live at beacon theatre 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,790 live at beacon theatre and this soldier gets on the plane. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 216 live at beacon theatre 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,490 live at beacon theatre I see soldiers fly all the time live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 217 live at beacon theatre 00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:59,290 live at beacon theatre because that's how they live at beacon theatre get to the war. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 218 live at beacon theatre 00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:01,790 live at beacon theatre They fly on a shitty airline. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 219 live at beacon theatre 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,090 live at beacon theatre You think they get to go on a live at beacon theatre cool green plane with a red light. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 220 live at beacon theatre 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,890 live at beacon theatre Go! Go! Go! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 221 live at beacon theatre 00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,490 live at beacon theatre No, they just go to Delta. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 222 live at beacon theatre 00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,290 live at beacon theatre And they just live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 223 live at beacon theatre 00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:12,300 live at beacon theatre wait in line to go to a war. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 224 live at beacon theatre 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,190 live at beacon theatre And they always fly coach. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 225 live at beacon theatre 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,590 live at beacon theatre I've never seen a soldier in live at beacon theatre first class in my life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 226 live at beacon theatre 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,490 live at beacon theatre It could be a full bird colonel, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 227 live at beacon theatre 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,390 live at beacon theatre he's between two fat live at beacon theatre guys in coach. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 228 live at beacon theatre 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,890 live at beacon theatre And they're always nice. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 229 live at beacon theatre 00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:25,390 live at beacon theatre I've never seen a soldier live at beacon theatre get on a plane-- live at beacon theatre Hey, I'm in the Army. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 230 live at beacon theatre 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,400 live at beacon theatre Fuck you. I have a gun. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 231 live at beacon theatre 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,190 live at beacon theatre They're always, "Oh, yes sir. live at beacon theatre Thank you very much ma'am." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 232 live at beacon theatre 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,200 live at beacon theatre It's like having an extra flight attendant. live at beacon theatre They help everybody put their shit up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 233 live at beacon theatre 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,090 live at beacon theatre They're awesome. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 234 live at beacon theatre 00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:40,790 live at beacon theatre And every time that I see a live at beacon theatre soldier on a plane, I always think, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 235 live at beacon theatre 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,990 live at beacon theatre You know what, live at beacon theatre I should give him my seat. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 236 live at beacon theatre 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,390 live at beacon theatre It would be the right thing to do. live at beacon theatre It would be easy to do and it live at beacon theatre would mean a lot to him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 237 live at beacon theatre 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,090 live at beacon theatre I could go up to him, "Hey, Son." live at beacon theatre I get to call him, "Son." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 238 live at beacon theatre 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:51,590 live at beacon theatre "Hey, son, go ahead and take my seat." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 239 live at beacon theatre 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,800 live at beacon theatre Because I'm in first class, why, live at beacon theatre for being a professional asshole. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 240 live at beacon theatre 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,790 live at beacon theatre I'm in first class because I talk live at beacon theatre about babies with big dicks. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 241 live at beacon theatre 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,800 live at beacon theatre That's what got me my seat. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 242 live at beacon theatre 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:10,700 live at beacon theatre This guy is giving his life live at beacon theatre for the country, he thinks, live at beacon theatre and so he has to sit-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 243 live at beacon theatre 00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:15,390 live at beacon theatre But that's good enough. live at beacon theatre That's good enough, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 244 live at beacon theatre 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,490 live at beacon theatre the fact that he thinks it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 245 live at beacon theatre 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,190 live at beacon theatre I'm serious. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 246 live at beacon theatre 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,690 live at beacon theatre He's fucking told by everybody live at beacon theatre in his life system live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 247 live at beacon theatre 00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:23,690 live at beacon theatre that that's a great thing live at beacon theatre to do and he's doing it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 248 live at beacon theatre 00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:25,190 live at beacon theatre And it's scary but he's doing it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 249 live at beacon theatre 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,790 live at beacon theatre And he's sitting in this shitty seat live at beacon theatre and I should trade with him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 250 live at beacon theatre 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,490 live at beacon theatre I never have. live at beacon theatre Let me make that clear. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 251 live at beacon theatre 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,090 live at beacon theatre I've never done it once. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 252 live at beacon theatre 00:15:32,100 --> 00:15:34,190 live at beacon theatre I've had so many opportunities. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 253 live at beacon theatre 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,200 live at beacon theatre I never even really, live at beacon theatre seriously came close. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 254 live at beacon theatre 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,290 live at beacon theatre And here's the worst part. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 255 live at beacon theatre 00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:42,300 live at beacon theatre I still just enjoy the fantasy live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 256 live at beacon theatre 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,200 live at beacon theatre for myself to enjoy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 257 live at beacon theatre 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:49,400 live at beacon theatre I was actually proud of myself live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 258 live at beacon theatre 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,090 live at beacon theatre for having thought of it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 259 live at beacon theatre 00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,690 live at beacon theatre I was proud. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 260 live at beacon theatre 00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,700 live at beacon theatre Ah, I am such a sweet man. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 261 live at beacon theatre 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,290 live at beacon theatre That is so nice of me live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 262 live at beacon theatre 00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:05,300 live at beacon theatre to think of that and then live at beacon theatre totally never do it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 263 live at beacon theatre 00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,490 live at beacon theatre At least you should be good live at beacon theatre just to the people-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 264 live at beacon theatre 00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:15,700 live at beacon theatre Just turn a good face to the live at beacon theatre people that you see in life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 265 live at beacon theatre 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,090 live at beacon theatre I don't do that either live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 266 live at beacon theatre 00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:20,490 live at beacon theatre because when I get in the live at beacon theatre elevator in my building-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 267 live at beacon theatre 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:23,500 live at beacon theatre That's my first contact live at beacon theatre with human beings after live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 268 live at beacon theatre 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,600 live at beacon theatre being home and just being live at beacon theatre disgusting for hours. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 269 live at beacon theatre 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,800 live at beacon theatre Then I come out of the elevator live at beacon theatre and there's always a guy on live at beacon theatre the elevator who's nice. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 270 live at beacon theatre 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,990 live at beacon theatre And I hate it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 271 live at beacon theatre 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,990 live at beacon theatre I get really upset when people live at beacon theatre say nice things to me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 272 live at beacon theatre 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,390 live at beacon theatre That's not a good impulse. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 273 live at beacon theatre 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,390 live at beacon theatre I get in the elevator and there's live at beacon theatre always this one guy who just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 274 live at beacon theatre 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:43,090 live at beacon theatre He sticks his face right in the live at beacon theatre front of his fucking head. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 275 live at beacon theatre 00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:46,100 live at beacon theatre Hi! He just floats it out live at beacon theatre there like a big balloon. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 276 live at beacon theatre 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,000 live at beacon theatre Hey, how's it going? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 277 live at beacon theatre 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,090 live at beacon theatre I get upset. live at beacon theatre I get cagey. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 278 live at beacon theatre 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,590 live at beacon theatre I get this weird impulse that live at beacon theatre I want to come on his face. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 279 live at beacon theatre 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:55,990 live at beacon theatre I don't know why that's the thing, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 280 live at beacon theatre 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,990 live at beacon theatre but that's what I think about. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 281 live at beacon theatre 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,500 live at beacon theatre I wish I could just secrete come live at beacon theatre without the sexual workup, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 282 live at beacon theatre 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000 live at beacon theatre like as a defense, live at beacon theatre like a squid or a skunk. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 283 live at beacon theatre 00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:09,500 live at beacon theatre Not sexually. I mean agressively. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 284 live at beacon theatre 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:12,290 live at beacon theatre Hi! live at beacon theatre [spurt] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 285 live at beacon theatre 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,190 live at beacon theatre Jesus, man. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 286 live at beacon theatre 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,200 live at beacon theatre You just came in my eye. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 287 live at beacon theatre 00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:23,100 live at beacon theatre I just want to go downstairs. live at beacon theatre I don't want to talk. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 288 live at beacon theatre 00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:31,300 live at beacon theatre Alright, this is going a little off the live at beacon theatre rails. I don't remember what I was live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 289 live at beacon theatre 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:33,990 live at beacon theatre trying to say. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 290 live at beacon theatre 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,000 live at beacon theatre I'd like to be a better person. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 291 live at beacon theatre 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,290 live at beacon theatre I would. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 292 live at beacon theatre 00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,290 live at beacon theatre I'd like to be a better person. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 293 live at beacon theatre 00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,690 live at beacon theatre And I think I'm getting live at beacon theatre worse as a person. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 294 live at beacon theatre 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,990 live at beacon theatre Because as you get older live at beacon theatre you start finding out-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 295 live at beacon theatre 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,390 live at beacon theatre Let me give you an example. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 296 live at beacon theatre 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,390 live at beacon theatre I rented a car a couple weeks live at beacon theatre ago, in Los Angeles live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 297 live at beacon theatre 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,190 live at beacon theatre I had the car for a few days live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 298 live at beacon theatre 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,690 live at beacon theatre and then when I went home I had live at beacon theatre to drop the car at the rental place. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 299 live at beacon theatre 00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,700 live at beacon theatre You gotta go to the rental place live at beacon theatre that's off the airport, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 300 live at beacon theatre 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,990 live at beacon theatre give them the car, give them live at beacon theatre your thing with the mileage. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 301 live at beacon theatre 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,990 live at beacon theatre You gotta get on a bus and then live at beacon theatre go to your terminal and check in. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 302 live at beacon theatre 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,790 live at beacon theatre I was late and I was worried live at beacon theatre about missing my flight. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 303 live at beacon theatre 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,090 live at beacon theatre So I knew I had no time live at beacon theatre to do any of that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 304 live at beacon theatre 00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:12,790 live at beacon theatre So I just live at beacon theatre --I never did this before-- live at beacon theatre I just drove my car live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 305 live at beacon theatre 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,800 live at beacon theatre right to the terminal live at beacon theatre and just left it there. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 306 live at beacon theatre 00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:20,700 live at beacon theatre Then I got on the plane. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 307 live at beacon theatre 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,000 live at beacon theatre Once I got on the plane and live at beacon theatre had a moment I called live at beacon theatre Hertz and I said, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 308 live at beacon theatre 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:27,200 live at beacon theatre Hey, listen, your car is sitting live at beacon theatre out in front of terminal four live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 309 live at beacon theatre 00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:30,300 live at beacon theatre and the keys are in it. live at beacon theatre So, that's where it is." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 310 live at beacon theatre 00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:34,190 live at beacon theatre And the guy's like, live at beacon theatre You can't do that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 311 live at beacon theatre 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,990 live at beacon theatre "You have to return it to the location and then get--" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 312 live at beacon theatre 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:42,500 live at beacon theatre Well, I didn't do that already, live at beacon theatre and now I'm leaving California. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 313 live at beacon theatre 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,700 live at beacon theatre So if you want your car you need live at beacon theatre to go to that place where it is. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 314 live at beacon theatre 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,990 live at beacon theatre And he was like, live at beacon theatre Awww, Jesus man. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 315 live at beacon theatre 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,000 live at beacon theatre Well, alright. We'll get it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 316 live at beacon theatre 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:56,300 live at beacon theatre And he-- That was the end of it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 317 live at beacon theatre 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:02,300 live at beacon theatre And I realized I could live at beacon theatre do this every time, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 318 live at beacon theatre 00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,390 live at beacon theatre every time I rented a car. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 319 live at beacon theatre 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,090 live at beacon theatre Because of course they want live at beacon theatre you to do all that shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 320 live at beacon theatre 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:12,100 live at beacon theatre But if you don't they live at beacon theatre still want the car back. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 321 live at beacon theatre 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,990 live at beacon theatre They're going to send a dude. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 322 live at beacon theatre 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,990 live at beacon theatre You could drive a car until live at beacon theatre you don't want it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 323 live at beacon theatre 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,000 live at beacon theatre Just get out of it while it's live at beacon theatre moving and just walk away. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 324 live at beacon theatre 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:23,200 live at beacon theatre No, I don't feel like being live at beacon theatre in that car any longer. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 325 live at beacon theatre 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:28,300 live at beacon theatre Just call Hertz. live at beacon theatre Hi, your car is drifting into the live at beacon theatre intersection of 28th and Broadway, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 326 live at beacon theatre 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,800 live at beacon theatre if you're interested. live at beacon theatre It's now your problem. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 327 live at beacon theatre 00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:37,700 live at beacon theatre But see, this is a live at beacon theatre terrible realization live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 328 live at beacon theatre 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,490 live at beacon theatre because you should act in a way live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 329 live at beacon theatre 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:42,500 live at beacon theatre that if everybody acted that live at beacon theatre way things would work out. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 330 live at beacon theatre 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,600 live at beacon theatre You should, because it would be live at beacon theatre mayhem if everybody was like that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 331 live at beacon theatre 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,790 live at beacon theatre And most people kind of don't care. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 332 live at beacon theatre 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,490 live at beacon theatre Most people are very selfish. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 333 live at beacon theatre 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:53,090 live at beacon theatre Most people don't give live at beacon theatre a shit what happens live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 334 live at beacon theatre 00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:56,100 live at beacon theatre as long as they get to live at beacon theatre do their favorite thing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 335 live at beacon theatre 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,800 live at beacon theatre People don't even want to back live at beacon theatre off from their favorite thing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 336 live at beacon theatre 00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:03,090 live at beacon theatre They won't even do their live at beacon theatre second favorite thing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 337 live at beacon theatre 00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:04,790 live at beacon theatre You ever seen somebody in trouble, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 338 live at beacon theatre 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,690 live at beacon theatre like they're at an intersection live at beacon theatre and they want to make a left, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 339 live at beacon theatre 00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:10,090 live at beacon theatre but they're in the right-- live at beacon theatre the all the way right lane live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 340 live at beacon theatre 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:13,100 live at beacon theatre because they messed up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 341 live at beacon theatre 00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:16,190 live at beacon theatre So, here's the guy. live at beacon theatre He's in the right lane. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 342 live at beacon theatre 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,200 live at beacon theatre And there's a lot cars, live at beacon theatre like 6th avenue. live at beacon theatre A lot of cars. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 343 live at beacon theatre 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,490 live at beacon theatre And he wants to make that left. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 344 live at beacon theatre 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,590 live at beacon theatre So what does he do? live at beacon theatre He just does it anyway. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 345 live at beacon theatre 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,290 live at beacon theatre He just goes at it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 346 live at beacon theatre 00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:28,300 live at beacon theatre He just shoves his car live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 347 live at beacon theatre 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:29,590 live at beacon theatre through everybody's life live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 348 live at beacon theatre 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,090 live at beacon theatre without any-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 349 live at beacon theatre 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:35,100 live at beacon theatre And everybody's honking and live at beacon theatre outraged and you always live at beacon theatre see they guy go, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 350 live at beacon theatre 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,500 live at beacon theatre I have to. I have to. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 351 live at beacon theatre 00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:42,700 live at beacon theatre "There's no other possible thing I could do." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 352 live at beacon theatre 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:48,290 live at beacon theatre "What else could I do, except go up one more block 353 00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:51,300 and then go left and take four seconds." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 354 live at beacon theatre 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,600 live at beacon theatre That's not my favorite way, though! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 355 live at beacon theatre 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,900 live at beacon theatre That only meets 99% of my criteria. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 356 live at beacon theatre 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,800 live at beacon theatre But I'm selfish. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 357 live at beacon theatre 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,200 live at beacon theatre I would like to be a better person, live at beacon theatre because I have kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 358 live at beacon theatre 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,290 live at beacon theatre And I want to pass on a better-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 359 live at beacon theatre 00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:16,190 live at beacon theatre Sometimes it's not clear what live at beacon theatre the right thing is to do. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 360 live at beacon theatre 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,200 live at beacon theatre One time I threw a candy live at beacon theatre wrapper on the street. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 361 live at beacon theatre 00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:22,700 live at beacon theatre I didn't do it like, "Yeah!" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 362 live at beacon theatre 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,090 live at beacon theatre I just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 363 live at beacon theatre 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:27,100 live at beacon theatre Yeah, take that shit, street. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 364 live at beacon theatre 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,800 live at beacon theatre I did it because I was shaking. live at beacon theatre I wanted the candy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 365 live at beacon theatre 00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:41,300 live at beacon theatre Anyway, I was with a friend live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 366 live at beacon theatre 00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:45,600 live at beacon theatre who said to me, "You just littered live at beacon theatre on the street. Don't you care live at beacon theatre about the environment?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 367 live at beacon theatre 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,400 live at beacon theatre And I thought about it and I said, live at beacon theatre You know what, this live at beacon theatre isn't 'The Environment'. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 368 live at beacon theatre 00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:52,590 live at beacon theatre This is New York City. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 369 live at beacon theatre 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,790 live at beacon theatre This is not 'The Environment'. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 370 live at beacon theatre 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,290 live at beacon theatre This is where people live. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 371 live at beacon theatre 00:21:57,300 --> 00:22:01,300 live at beacon theatre New York City is not the environment. live at beacon theatre New York City is a giant piece of litter. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 372 live at beacon theatre 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:06,400 live at beacon theatre It's the giantest, next to Mexico live at beacon theatre City, the shittiest piece of litter live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 373 live at beacon theatre 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:08,890 live at beacon theatre in the world. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 374 live at beacon theatre 00:22:08,900 --> 00:22:11,900 live at beacon theatre Just a pussy, runny, smoking, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 375 live at beacon theatre 00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:14,690 live at beacon theatre stinking piece of litter. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 376 live at beacon theatre 00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:16,090 live at beacon theatre So if you have a piece of litter, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 377 live at beacon theatre 00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:17,490 live at beacon theatre what are you supposed live at beacon theatre to do with it? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 378 live at beacon theatre 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:20,090 live at beacon theatre You should throw it live at beacon theatre on the pile of litter. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 379 live at beacon theatre 00:22:20,100 --> 00:22:22,690 live at beacon theatre Because if you don't, live at beacon theatre if you put it in a receptacle live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 380 live at beacon theatre 00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:25,090 live at beacon theatre then it gets collected and live at beacon theatre it gets taken to a dump live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 381 live at beacon theatre 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:27,590 live at beacon theatre and a landfill and then live at beacon theatre it goes on a boat. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 382 live at beacon theatre 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,590 live at beacon theatre And it goes out and gets live at beacon theatre dumped in the ocean and live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 383 live at beacon theatre 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,600 live at beacon theatre some dolphin wears it live at beacon theatre as a hat on its face live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 384 live at beacon theatre 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:37,800 live at beacon theatre for ten years, this hat that live at beacon theatre never dissolves, on its face. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 385 live at beacon theatre 00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:41,690 live at beacon theatre Ugh. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 386 live at beacon theatre 00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:44,700 live at beacon theatre Jesus. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 387 live at beacon theatre 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,800 live at beacon theatre [dolphin clicking] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 388 live at beacon theatre 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:56,200 live at beacon theatre Everything that we introduce live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 389 live at beacon theatre 00:22:56,300 --> 00:22:58,990 live at beacon theatre to the world is shitty... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 390 live at beacon theatre 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,590 live at beacon theatre ...meaning white people. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 391 live at beacon theatre 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,100 live at beacon theatre Because-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 392 live at beacon theatre 00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:06,300 live at beacon theatre I really think that white people live at beacon theatre are from another planet live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 393 live at beacon theatre 00:23:06,900 --> 00:23:09,900 live at beacon theatre because when we came to live at beacon theatre America, it was so nice. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 394 live at beacon theatre 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,890 live at beacon theatre It was just Indians. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 395 live at beacon theatre 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:14,790 live at beacon theatre And they weren't even Indians. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 396 live at beacon theatre 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,800 live at beacon theatre We called them that by accident. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 397 live at beacon theatre 00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,000 live at beacon theatre And we still call them that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 398 live at beacon theatre 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,600 live at beacon theatre We knew in a month live at beacon theatre that it wasn't Indians live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 399 live at beacon theatre 00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:28,090 live at beacon theatre but we just don't give a shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 400 live at beacon theatre 00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:31,100 live at beacon theatre We never correct it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 401 live at beacon theatre 00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:33,190 live at beacon theatre We came here. live at beacon theatre They're like, "Hi." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 402 live at beacon theatre 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,890 live at beacon theatre And we're like, live at beacon theatre Hey, you're Indians, right? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 403 live at beacon theatre 00:23:35,900 --> 00:23:38,190 live at beacon theatre And they're like, "No." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 404 live at beacon theatre 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,190 live at beacon theatre No, this is India, right? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 405 live at beacon theatre 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,190 live at beacon theatre No, it's not. It's a totally other place. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 406 live at beacon theatre 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:44,390 live at beacon theatre You're not Indians? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 407 live at beacon theatre 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:45,990 live at beacon theatre No. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 408 live at beacon theatre 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,000 live at beacon theatre Ahh, you're Indians. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 409 live at beacon theatre 00:23:51,700 --> 00:23:54,700 live at beacon theatre "You're Indians for hundreds of years after." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 410 live at beacon theatre 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,490 live at beacon theatre We ruined everything here. live at beacon theatre This was the great-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 411 live at beacon theatre 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:04,000 live at beacon theatre It was just coast-to-coast live at beacon theatre green, brown and beautiful. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 412 live at beacon theatre 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,490 live at beacon theatre And all the humans were live at beacon theatre just walking around live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 413 live at beacon theatre 00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:10,290 live at beacon theatre with painted faces, live at beacon theatre just walking. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 414 live at beacon theatre 00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:12,390 live at beacon theatre And they'd be like, live at beacon theatre Oh, that looks yummy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 415 live at beacon theatre 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,390 live at beacon theatre And they'd just eat from the ground. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 416 live at beacon theatre 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,390 live at beacon theatre And then they'd sleep on the grass. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 417 live at beacon theatre 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,190 live at beacon theatre And they'd wake up and they'd fuck. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 418 live at beacon theatre 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,200 live at beacon theatre And then they'd go for a swim live at beacon theatre and do a little dance. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 419 live at beacon theatre 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:23,490 live at beacon theatre That was the whole continent, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 420 live at beacon theatre 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:26,500 live at beacon theatre just folks doing that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 421 live at beacon theatre 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,990 live at beacon theatre I mean there was people in live at beacon theatre Mexico cutting off kids' heads live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 422 live at beacon theatre 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,090 live at beacon theatre and rolling them down live at beacon theatre the pyramid stairs. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 423 live at beacon theatre 00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:32,990 live at beacon theatre But that's-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 424 live at beacon theatre 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,590 live at beacon theatre I mean... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 425 live at beacon theatre 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,190 live at beacon theatre That's always going on. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 426 live at beacon theatre 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:38,590 live at beacon theatre You know-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 427 live at beacon theatre 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,600 live at beacon theatre You can't do a whole live at beacon theatre lot about that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 428 live at beacon theatre 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:46,990 live at beacon theatre But I think we came live at beacon theatre from another planet live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 429 live at beacon theatre 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,690 live at beacon theatre and the reason is we live at beacon theatre don't like it here. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 430 live at beacon theatre 00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:51,390 live at beacon theatre Why, if we're from here, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 431 live at beacon theatre 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:52,990 live at beacon theatre if we belong on Earth, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 432 live at beacon theatre 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,000 live at beacon theatre why aren't we comfortable live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 433 live at beacon theatre 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,690 live at beacon theatre on Earth, at all? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 434 live at beacon theatre 00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:01,290 live at beacon theatre We need nice smooth surfaces live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 435 live at beacon theatre 00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:03,790 live at beacon theatre and right angles and we live at beacon theatre need it to be cool live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 436 live at beacon theatre 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,100 live at beacon theatre and not too hot, just a live at beacon theatre little dit-dit just perfect. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 437 live at beacon theatre 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,390 live at beacon theatre Why wouldn't, when it's hot, live at beacon theatre why wouldn't we just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 438 live at beacon theatre 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,590 live at beacon theatre Yeah, fuck it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 439 live at beacon theatre 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,600 live at beacon theatre Why wouldn't we be like live at beacon theatre that if we belonged here? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 440 live at beacon theatre 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:19,600 live at beacon theatre And it's weird because live at beacon theatre people that are-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 441 live at beacon theatre 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,390 live at beacon theatre You know, there's live at beacon theatre environmentalists live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 442 live at beacon theatre 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:26,400 live at beacon theatre and there's people who live at beacon theatre just hate environmentalists. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 443 live at beacon theatre 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,390 live at beacon theatre People get angry live at beacon theatre at environmentalists live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 444 live at beacon theatre 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,990 live at beacon theatre because they think they're live at beacon theatre slowing down the economy live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 445 live at beacon theatre 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:34,490 live at beacon theatre and creating restrictions and a lot live at beacon theatre of these people are Christian. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 446 live at beacon theatre 00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:36,990 live at beacon theatre A lot of these people are live at beacon theatre very devout Christians live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 447 live at beacon theatre 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,390 live at beacon theatre and that's such a live at beacon theatre confusing thing to me, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 448 live at beacon theatre 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,400 live at beacon theatre that if you believe that live at beacon theatre God gave you the Earth, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 449 live at beacon theatre 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,790 live at beacon theatre that God created Earth for you, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 450 live at beacon theatre 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,400 live at beacon theatre why would you not live at beacon theatre have to look after it? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 451 live at beacon theatre 00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:50,990 live at beacon theatre Why the fuck-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 452 live at beacon theatre 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,990 live at beacon theatre Why would you not think that when live at beacon theatre he came back he wouldn't go, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 453 live at beacon theatre 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,000 live at beacon theatre What the fuck did you do? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 454 live at beacon theatre 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,400 live at beacon theatre "I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 455 live at beacon theatre 00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:05,300 live at beacon theatre The polar bears are brown. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 456 live at beacon theatre 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,600 live at beacon theatre What did you do to the polar bears? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 457 live at beacon theatre 00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:12,100 live at beacon theatre "Did you shit all over every polar bear?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 458 live at beacon theatre 00:26:13,100 --> 00:26:17,100 live at beacon theatre "What did you--who did this? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 459 live at beacon theatre 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:21,000 live at beacon theatre "Come over here. Did you fucking spill this? What is that?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 460 live at beacon theatre 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,400 live at beacon theatre "It's oil. It's just some oil. I didn't mean to spill--" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 461 live at beacon theatre 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,600 live at beacon theatre "Well why did you take it out of the fucking ground?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 462 live at beacon theatre 00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:32,300 live at beacon theatre Because I wanted to go faster. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 463 live at beacon theatre 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,400 live at beacon theatre I'm not fast enough. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 464 live at beacon theatre 00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:37,790 live at beacon theatre And I was cold. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 465 live at beacon theatre 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,990 live at beacon theatre What the fuck do you mean, 'cold'? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 466 live at beacon theatre 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,000 live at beacon theatre "I gave you everything you needed, you piece of shit." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 467 live at beacon theatre 00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:47,500 live at beacon theatre Well, because jobs, and I wanted-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 468 live at beacon theatre 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:52,700 live at beacon theatre "What is a job? Explain to me, what's a fucking job?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 469 live at beacon theatre 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,390 live at beacon theatre "Well, like you work at a place and people call 470 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,400 when their game doesn't work and you help them figure it out." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 471 live at beacon theatre 00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:01,890 live at beacon theatre What do you do that for? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 472 live at beacon theatre 00:27:01,900 --> 00:27:02,490 live at beacon theatre For money. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 473 live at beacon theatre 00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:04,890 live at beacon theatre What do you need money for? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 474 live at beacon theatre 00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:05,490 live at beacon theatre Food. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 475 live at beacon theatre 00:27:05,500 --> 00:27:08,490 live at beacon theatre Just eat the shit on the floor. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 476 live at beacon theatre 00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:11,500 live at beacon theatre I left shit all over the floor. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 477 live at beacon theatre 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,800 live at beacon theatre "Fucking corn and wheat and shit. Grind it up, make some bread. What are you doing?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 478 live at beacon theatre 00:27:16,100 --> 00:27:18,990 live at beacon theatre "Yeah, but it doesn't have, like, bacon around it." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 479 live at beacon theatre 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:24,000 live at beacon theatre "And like-- I like when it has bacon on it." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 480 live at beacon theatre 00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:32,300 live at beacon theatre I watched somebody do that the live at beacon theatre other day after a meal they went, live at beacon theatre Oh, it was just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 481 live at beacon theatre 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:38,600 live at beacon theatre And I started wondering, live at beacon theatre what does that mean? live at beacon theatre What does that signify? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 482 live at beacon theatre 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:41,990 live at beacon theatre I think what it means is that you live at beacon theatre ate something so delicious live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 483 live at beacon theatre 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,200 live at beacon theatre that you then kissed live at beacon theatre somebody on the asshole live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 484 live at beacon theatre 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:49,000 live at beacon theatre and their asshole exploded. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 485 live at beacon theatre 00:27:55,900 --> 00:27:58,090 live at beacon theatre That's some good eating. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 486 live at beacon theatre 00:27:58,100 --> 00:28:00,790 live at beacon theatre That's a nice sauce. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 487 live at beacon theatre 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:01,490 live at beacon theatre Is that good? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 488 live at beacon theatre 00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:03,890 live at beacon theatre Yeah, let me show you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 489 live at beacon theatre 00:28:03,900 --> 00:28:06,900 live at beacon theatre Shit. Let me have some of that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 490 live at beacon theatre 00:28:08,300 --> 00:28:11,300 live at beacon theatre That just destroyed my anus. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 491 live at beacon theatre 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:16,600 live at beacon theatre Anyway, I got kids and live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 492 live at beacon theatre 00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:20,500 live at beacon theatre that's sort of what I'm trying to say. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 493 live at beacon theatre 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,600 live at beacon theatre It's hard having kids live at beacon theatre because it's boring. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 494 live at beacon theatre 00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:28,790 live at beacon theatre That really is the hardest live at beacon theatre part of having kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 495 live at beacon theatre 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:31,800 live at beacon theatre Ask any parent, What's the hard part? live at beacon theatre Is it looking after their health care? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 496 live at beacon theatre 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:34,090 live at beacon theatre Is it making sure that their education-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 497 live at beacon theatre 00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:37,100 live at beacon theatre No, it's being with them on the floor live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 498 live at beacon theatre 00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:40,590 live at beacon theatre while they be children. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 499 live at beacon theatre 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,890 live at beacon theatre It's just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 500 live at beacon theatre 00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:45,900 live at beacon theatre They read Clifford the live at beacon theatre Big Red Dog to you live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 501 live at beacon theatre 00:28:46,500 --> 00:28:49,490 live at beacon theatre at a rate of 50 minutes a page. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 502 live at beacon theatre 00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:51,290 live at beacon theatre And you have to sit there live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 503 live at beacon theatre 00:28:51,300 --> 00:28:53,890 live at beacon theatre and be horribly proud and bored live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 504 live at beacon theatre 00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:56,590 live at beacon theatre at the same time. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 505 live at beacon theatre 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,590 live at beacon theatre I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 506 live at beacon theatre 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:00,890 live at beacon theatre I hate him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 507 live at beacon theatre 00:29:00,900 --> 00:29:03,590 live at beacon theatre There's 50 books about live at beacon theatre Clifford the Big Red Dog. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 508 live at beacon theatre 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:04,190 live at beacon theatre Fifty books. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 509 live at beacon theatre 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,390 live at beacon theatre There's seven books about Narnia live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 510 live at beacon theatre 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:09,090 live at beacon theatre that cover the birth and death of a nation live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 511 live at beacon theatre 00:29:09,100 --> 00:29:11,990 live at beacon theatre and mice with swords live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 512 live at beacon theatre 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,990 live at beacon theatre and a lion who's a god. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 513 live at beacon theatre 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:16,990 live at beacon theatre They did it in seven books. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 514 live at beacon theatre 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,790 live at beacon theatre Fifty books about live at beacon theatre Clifford the Big Red Dog, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 515 live at beacon theatre 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:22,690 live at beacon theatre and they all tell the exact same story. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 516 live at beacon theatre 00:29:22,700 --> 00:29:25,290 live at beacon theatre Look how big this dog is. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 517 live at beacon theatre 00:29:25,300 --> 00:29:28,300 live at beacon theatre That's it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 518 live at beacon theatre 00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,090 live at beacon theatre Look how big this dog is. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 519 live at beacon theatre 00:29:31,100 --> 00:29:33,790 live at beacon theatre That's the whole book. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 520 live at beacon theatre 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:36,800 live at beacon theatre Here's how big he was at the firehouse. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 521 live at beacon theatre 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,000 live at beacon theatre Here's how big he was at Thanksgiving. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 522 live at beacon theatre 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:43,400 live at beacon theatre Who gives a shit? live at beacon theatre You just drew him big. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 523 live at beacon theatre 00:29:44,500 --> 00:29:47,500 live at beacon theatre You just, on purpose, made live at beacon theatre him bigger than people. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 524 live at beacon theatre 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:51,600 live at beacon theatre It should be, "Look how big live at beacon theatre I drew the dog in this book." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 525 live at beacon theatre 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,290 live at beacon theatre Isn't that a mistake? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 526 live at beacon theatre 00:29:55,300 --> 00:29:56,790 live at beacon theatre There's no story. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 527 live at beacon theatre 00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:00,400 live at beacon theatre You maybe even just drew him live at beacon theatre closer to the page. I don't even live at beacon theatre know if you did it honestly. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 528 live at beacon theatre 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,690 live at beacon theatre Tell a story about Clifford. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 529 live at beacon theatre 00:30:03,700 --> 00:30:07,000 live at beacon theatre Make something happen, where live at beacon theatre maybe he steps on a policeman live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 530 live at beacon theatre 00:30:07,300 --> 00:30:11,500 live at beacon theatre and shatters his spine and it's live at beacon theatre devastating to the community. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 531 live at beacon theatre 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:14,800 live at beacon theatre He hangs on for two months and then dies. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 532 live at beacon theatre 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:17,490 live at beacon theatre And there's a whole, you know, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 533 live at beacon theatre 00:30:17,500 --> 00:30:20,500 live at beacon theatre funeral with bagpipes and live at beacon theatre everybody's crying. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 534 live at beacon theatre 00:30:21,100 --> 00:30:24,100 live at beacon theatre And Clifford gets the death penalty. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 535 live at beacon theatre 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,600 live at beacon theatre There's a whole book about live at beacon theatre his appeal process and how live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 536 live at beacon theatre 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,000 live at beacon theatre he found Jesus but everybody live at beacon theatre said it was bullshit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 537 live at beacon theatre 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,600 live at beacon theatre The cop's wife was like, live at beacon theatre I want that dog dead! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 538 live at beacon theatre 00:30:38,200 --> 00:30:41,700 live at beacon theatre And then he goes to the chair live at beacon theatre and they shave all his red live at beacon theatre fur off and now he's live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 539 live at beacon theatre 00:30:42,300 --> 00:30:45,300 live at beacon theatre Clifford the Big Pink Dog. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 540 live at beacon theatre 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,000 live at beacon theatre Put him on a big funny electric live at beacon theatre chair that the town got live at beacon theatre together and built. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 541 live at beacon theatre 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,890 live at beacon theatre It's boring having kids. live at beacon theatre You gotta play kid games. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 542 live at beacon theatre 00:30:58,900 --> 00:31:01,900 live at beacon theatre You gotta play board games, live at beacon theatre little kid board games where you-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 543 live at beacon theatre 00:31:02,700 --> 00:31:05,700 live at beacon theatre And then you go dit-dit-dit live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 544 live at beacon theatre 00:31:08,100 --> 00:31:11,100 live at beacon theatre You got a six, honey. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 545 live at beacon theatre 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:13,990 live at beacon theatre One. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 546 live at beacon theatre 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,790 live at beacon theatre Two. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 547 live at beacon theatre 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:17,290 live at beacon theatre Three. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 548 live at beacon theatre 00:31:17,300 --> 00:31:20,300 live at beacon theatre It's just here. Just go here. It's just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 549 live at beacon theatre 00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:22,590 live at beacon theatre Daddy, I'm learning. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 550 live at beacon theatre 00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:26,300 live at beacon theatre I know. You're going to grow up live at beacon theatre stupid because I'm bored. I live at beacon theatre can't take it, baby. I can't. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 551 live at beacon theatre 00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:27,990 live at beacon theatre I can't watch it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 552 live at beacon theatre 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,000 live at beacon theatre I'm bored more than I love you. live at beacon theatre I can't. I just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 553 live at beacon theatre 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:34,600 live at beacon theatre Come on. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 554 live at beacon theatre 00:31:36,500 --> 00:31:37,690 live at beacon theatre My girls are six and nine now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 555 live at beacon theatre 00:31:37,700 --> 00:31:40,700 live at beacon theatre They're actually a really exciting live at beacon theatre age because they're learning live at beacon theatre to do some cool stuff. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 556 live at beacon theatre 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,390 live at beacon theatre I played Monopoly with my kids. live at beacon theatre That's really fun. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 557 live at beacon theatre 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:46,990 live at beacon theatre My nine year old, she can live at beacon theatre totally do Monopoly. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 558 live at beacon theatre 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:49,990 live at beacon theatre The six year old actually totally live at beacon theatre gets how the game works live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 559 live at beacon theatre 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:53,000 live at beacon theatre but she's not emotionally live at beacon theatre developed enough live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 560 live at beacon theatre 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:56,400 live at beacon theatre to handle her inevitable loss live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 561 live at beacon theatre 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,990 live at beacon theatre in every game of Monopoly. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 562 live at beacon theatre 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,000 live at beacon theatre Because, a Monopoly loss is dark. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 563 live at beacon theatre 00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:05,290 live at beacon theatre It's heavy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 564 live at beacon theatre 00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:08,300 live at beacon theatre It's not like when you lose at Candyland. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 565 live at beacon theatre 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,000 live at beacon theatre Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey live at beacon theatre thing, baby. Oh, well. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 566 live at beacon theatre 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:16,500 live at beacon theatre You're in the gummy twirly-ohs live at beacon theatre and you didn't get to win. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 567 live at beacon theatre 00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,490 live at beacon theatre But when she loses at Monopoly I live at beacon theatre gotta look at her little face and go, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 568 live at beacon theatre 00:32:21,500 --> 00:32:24,500 live at beacon theatre Okay, sweetie, here's what's live at beacon theatre gonna happen now, okay? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 569 live at beacon theatre 00:32:25,100 --> 00:32:28,100 live at beacon theatre All your property, live at beacon theatre everything you have, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 570 live at beacon theatre 00:32:28,500 --> 00:32:31,190 live at beacon theatre all your railroads, your houses, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 571 live at beacon theatre 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:32,990 live at beacon theatre all your money, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 572 live at beacon theatre 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,690 live at beacon theatre that's mine now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 573 live at beacon theatre 00:32:35,700 --> 00:32:37,290 live at beacon theatre Gotta give it all to me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 574 live at beacon theatre 00:32:37,300 --> 00:32:39,990 live at beacon theatre No, give it to me. That's right. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 575 live at beacon theatre 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,000 live at beacon theatre No, no you can't play live at beacon theatre anymore, see, because live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 576 live at beacon theatre 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:45,090 live at beacon theatre even though you're giving me all of that live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 577 live at beacon theatre 00:32:45,100 --> 00:32:47,990 live at beacon theatre it doesn't even touch how live at beacon theatre much you owe me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 578 live at beacon theatre 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,000 live at beacon theatre It doesn't even touch it, baby. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 579 live at beacon theatre 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:54,500 live at beacon theatre You're going down hard. It's really bad. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 580 live at beacon theatre 00:32:55,500 --> 00:32:58,500 live at beacon theatre All you've been working for all day, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 581 live at beacon theatre 00:32:58,900 --> 00:33:00,990 live at beacon theatre I'm going to take it now live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 582 live at beacon theatre 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:04,000 live at beacon theatre and I'm going to use it to live at beacon theatre destroy your sister. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 583 live at beacon theatre 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:07,800 live at beacon theatre I mean, I'm going to ruin her. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 584 live at beacon theatre 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:11,200 live at beacon theatre It's just mayhem on this live at beacon theatre board for her now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 585 live at beacon theatre 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:17,290 live at beacon theatre When you have kids you also have to live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 586 live at beacon theatre 00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:19,690 live at beacon theatre belong to kid and parent culture. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 587 live at beacon theatre 00:33:19,700 --> 00:33:21,990 live at beacon theatre You have to know a lot of parents live at beacon theatre and a lot of other kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 588 live at beacon theatre 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,290 live at beacon theatre You have to hang out live at beacon theatre with other kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 589 live at beacon theatre 00:33:23,300 --> 00:33:25,090 live at beacon theatre Sometimes they're not live at beacon theatre even kids you know. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 590 live at beacon theatre 00:33:25,100 --> 00:33:27,790 live at beacon theatre When I go to parks with my live at beacon theatre kids, I play with them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 591 live at beacon theatre 00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:29,290 live at beacon theatre I play with my kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 592 live at beacon theatre 00:33:29,300 --> 00:33:30,790 live at beacon theatre Some people don't do that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 593 live at beacon theatre 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,800 live at beacon theatre They just take their kids to the park live at beacon theatre so they don't have to talk to them, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 594 live at beacon theatre 00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:37,000 live at beacon theatre and those kids kind of live at beacon theatre glom on to our shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 595 live at beacon theatre 00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:40,490 live at beacon theatre I'll be sitting at the park playing live at beacon theatre a fun game with my kids live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 596 live at beacon theatre 00:33:40,500 --> 00:33:43,290 live at beacon theatre and there's this woman on a live at beacon theatre bench. She's got her phone live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 597 live at beacon theatre 00:33:43,300 --> 00:33:44,990 live at beacon theatre and she's just staring at her phone. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 598 live at beacon theatre 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:46,690 live at beacon theatre And her kid's like, "Mommy, talk to me." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 599 live at beacon theatre 00:33:46,700 --> 00:33:49,700 live at beacon theatre Leave me alone. I'm trying to cheat on your father! Stop it! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 600 live at beacon theatre 00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,190 live at beacon theatre And then the kid comes up to us, live at beacon theatre Can I be in your family? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 601 live at beacon theatre 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,390 live at beacon theatre It's creepy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 602 live at beacon theatre 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,400 live at beacon theatre One time I was at a swimming live at beacon theatre pool with my kids, a public pool. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 603 live at beacon theatre 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:02,490 live at beacon theatre I had my daughter, my six live at beacon theatre year old, on my arm like this. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 604 live at beacon theatre 00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:05,500 live at beacon theatre She was like clamped on, and live at beacon theatre she's kicking. It was so much fun. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 605 live at beacon theatre 00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:08,800 live at beacon theatre And then she got off and another live at beacon theatre random child just clamped on. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 606 live at beacon theatre 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:13,790 live at beacon theatre It's like a rat. Get off of me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 607 live at beacon theatre 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:14,990 live at beacon theatre But I love you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 608 live at beacon theatre 00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:18,000 live at beacon theatre I don't know you, kid. Stop. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 609 live at beacon theatre 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,400 live at beacon theatre I think that kid's dead. I don't live at beacon theatre know what happened. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 610 live at beacon theatre 00:34:36,900 --> 00:34:40,400 live at beacon theatre Some kids in my kid's class, live at beacon theatre I like some of those kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 611 live at beacon theatre 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,600 live at beacon theatre Some of those kids are cool. They live at beacon theatre come over to my house and they live at beacon theatre play with my--I like them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 612 live at beacon theatre 00:34:43,700 --> 00:34:45,290 live at beacon theatre Other kids I don't like, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 613 live at beacon theatre 00:34:45,300 --> 00:34:47,090 live at beacon theatre especially the little boys. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 614 live at beacon theatre 00:34:47,100 --> 00:34:50,100 live at beacon theatre Little boys in my kid's class, live at beacon theatre I hate them. I hate little boys. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 615 live at beacon theatre 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:54,000 live at beacon theatre I'm like the opposite of a live at beacon theatre pedophile. I just hate-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 616 live at beacon theatre 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:01,600 live at beacon theatre There's one kid in my daughter's live at beacon theatre class who I hate so much, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 617 live at beacon theatre 00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,000 live at beacon theatre and it's really fucked up because I'm 44 live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 618 live at beacon theatre 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:09,600 live at beacon theatre and I hate a six year old. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 619 live at beacon theatre 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,590 live at beacon theatre I mean, I hate him live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 620 live at beacon theatre 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:14,600 live at beacon theatre with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 621 live at beacon theatre 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:18,000 live at beacon theatre I've thought about him three live at beacon theatre times since I came out here. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 622 live at beacon theatre 00:35:18,500 --> 00:35:21,500 live at beacon theatre That's how much I really hate this kid. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 623 live at beacon theatre 00:35:27,100 --> 00:35:30,100 live at beacon theatre I'm going to tell you about him and live at beacon theatre I have to make up a name live at beacon theatre because he's a real child live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 624 live at beacon theatre 00:35:30,300 --> 00:35:32,490 live at beacon theatre who lives in this city, so I have to live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 625 live at beacon theatre 00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:35,390 live at beacon theatre make up a name in order to live at beacon theatre tell this story about him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 626 live at beacon theatre 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,790 live at beacon theatre His name is just, Jezanthepuss. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 627 live at beacon theatre 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:41,300 live at beacon theatre Let's just call him Jezanthepuss. live at beacon theatre Jezanthepuss. Fine. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 628 live at beacon theatre 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:44,000 live at beacon theatre Okay. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 629 live at beacon theatre 00:35:45,100 --> 00:35:47,790 live at beacon theatre He's in my daughter's class. live at beacon theatre They're in first grade. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 630 live at beacon theatre 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:51,100 live at beacon theatre When we take our kids to class, live at beacon theatre there's a little procedure. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 631 live at beacon theatre 00:35:51,200 --> 00:35:54,200 live at beacon theatre You bring your kid to school and live at beacon theatre they have their backpack live at beacon theatre and their jacket live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 632 live at beacon theatre 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,600 live at beacon theatre and they go to their cubby live at beacon theatre and take it all off and they live at beacon theatre put it in the cubby. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 633 live at beacon theatre 00:35:57,900 --> 00:36:01,290 live at beacon theatre Then they take their homework live at beacon theatre folder and their lunchbox live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 634 live at beacon theatre 00:36:01,300 --> 00:36:02,690 live at beacon theatre and put them in the bins. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 635 live at beacon theatre 00:36:02,700 --> 00:36:04,390 live at beacon theatre Those are their little responsibilities. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 636 live at beacon theatre 00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:06,690 live at beacon theatre You help them do it so live at beacon theatre they'll, blah blah blah. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 637 live at beacon theatre 00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:09,700 live at beacon theatre But, Jezanthepuss-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 638 live at beacon theatre 00:36:11,500 --> 00:36:14,500 live at beacon theatre When he comes in he doesn't live at beacon theatre do none of that shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 639 live at beacon theatre 00:36:15,300 --> 00:36:18,300 live at beacon theatre He just walks in and just sheds it all. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 640 live at beacon theatre 00:36:26,900 --> 00:36:29,900 live at beacon theatre And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 641 live at beacon theatre 00:36:31,100 --> 00:36:33,990 live at beacon theatre picks it all up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 642 live at beacon theatre 00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,090 live at beacon theatre I hate his mother live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 643 live at beacon theatre 00:36:36,100 --> 00:36:39,100 live at beacon theatre because you hate a weak live at beacon theatre parent, when you're a parent. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 644 live at beacon theatre 00:36:39,500 --> 00:36:42,500 live at beacon theatre Because it's like you're raising live at beacon theatre Hitler, motherfucker. Do your job! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 645 live at beacon theatre 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,990 live at beacon theatre Get in there. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 646 live at beacon theatre 00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:49,000 live at beacon theatre If our parent group and our class live at beacon theatre were a platoon of soldiers, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 647 live at beacon theatre 00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:52,500 live at beacon theatre she'd be the one that we'd live at beacon theatre put soap bars in socks and-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 648 live at beacon theatre 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,690 live at beacon theatre We'd frag that bitch in her sleep. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 649 live at beacon theatre 00:36:57,700 --> 00:36:59,990 live at beacon theatre She would wash right the fuck out. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 650 live at beacon theatre 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:03,000 live at beacon theatre She wouldn't make it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 651 live at beacon theatre 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,590 live at beacon theatre When Jezanthepuss drops his shit, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 652 live at beacon theatre 00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:08,890 live at beacon theatre this bitch picks it up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 653 live at beacon theatre 00:37:08,900 --> 00:37:09,990 live at beacon theatre She just goes, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 654 live at beacon theatre 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:13,000 live at beacon theatre He just... I'll get... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 655 live at beacon theatre 00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:16,990 live at beacon theatre I'll get it... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 656 live at beacon theatre 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,000 live at beacon theatre And then I'll put it in the bins for him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 657 live at beacon theatre 00:37:21,300 --> 00:37:25,400 live at beacon theatre And she puts it all away for him, live at beacon theatre which frees him up to punch live at beacon theatre other kids in the face live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 658 live at beacon theatre 00:37:27,300 --> 00:37:30,300 live at beacon theatre because he's a shitty, live at beacon theatre horrible, violent child. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 659 live at beacon theatre 00:37:32,300 --> 00:37:33,990 live at beacon theatre One time I was at school, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 660 live at beacon theatre 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,190 live at beacon theatre and I was volunteering at recess. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 661 live at beacon theatre 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:38,390 live at beacon theatre It's something you do, you know, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 662 live at beacon theatre 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:39,590 live at beacon theatre if you're a good parent, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 663 live at beacon theatre 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:41,190 live at beacon theatre about once a month live at beacon theatre or whatever it is. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 664 live at beacon theatre 00:37:41,200 --> 00:37:42,390 live at beacon theatre You go to school live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 665 live at beacon theatre 00:37:42,400 --> 00:37:43,990 live at beacon theatre and you just stand there live at beacon theatre and you watch recess. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 666 live at beacon theatre 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:47,000 live at beacon theatre You masturbate, whatever live at beacon theatre you want to do. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 667 live at beacon theatre 00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:52,690 live at beacon theatre That is now the worst thing. live at beacon theatre That's the worst thing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 668 live at beacon theatre 00:37:52,700 --> 00:37:55,290 live at beacon theatre Now that's the worst thing I live at beacon theatre ever said. Okay. Alright. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 669 live at beacon theatre 00:37:55,300 --> 00:37:56,800 live at beacon theatre We'll find it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 670 live at beacon theatre 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:04,400 live at beacon theatre I mean you could. It's a public live at beacon theatre school nobody would even give a shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 671 live at beacon theatre 00:38:04,700 --> 00:38:07,700 live at beacon theatre But, I haven't thus far. live at beacon theatre It hasn't gotten that bad. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 672 live at beacon theatre 00:38:10,100 --> 00:38:12,490 live at beacon theatre Anyway, I'm watching recess live at beacon theatre and recess is a trip. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 673 live at beacon theatre 00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:15,500 live at beacon theatre If you've never been to recess, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 674 live at beacon theatre 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:19,400 live at beacon theatre it's intense because it's live at beacon theatre like the universe. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 675 live at beacon theatre 00:38:19,900 --> 00:38:21,990 live at beacon theatre You know if you watch the ocean crash, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 676 live at beacon theatre 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:23,390 live at beacon theatre waves on the beach for a long time, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 677 live at beacon theatre 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:26,400 live at beacon theatre you start feeling like you're live at beacon theatre understanding how everything works. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 678 live at beacon theatre 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:30,300 live at beacon theatre That's what recess is like, because live at beacon theatre every natural, chaotic energy live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 679 live at beacon theatre 00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:33,090 live at beacon theatre is represented at recess. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 680 live at beacon theatre 00:38:33,100 --> 00:38:37,600 live at beacon theatre There's kids swirling around in live at beacon theatre these big roiling crazy things. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 681 live at beacon theatre 00:38:37,900 --> 00:38:41,900 live at beacon theatre There's one kid just spazzing live at beacon theatre out just to some singularity kid. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 682 live at beacon theatre 00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,990 live at beacon theatre It's a binary system of two live at beacon theatre kids holding hands live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 683 live at beacon theatre 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:50,500 live at beacon theatre and they're running and just live at beacon theatre clotheslining every child live at beacon theatre of a certain height. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 684 live at beacon theatre 00:38:51,300 --> 00:38:54,300 live at beacon theatre They're keeping a uniform live at beacon theatre height to the playground. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 685 live at beacon theatre 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:00,290 live at beacon theatre So I'm watching recess live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 686 live at beacon theatre 00:39:00,300 --> 00:39:03,290 live at beacon theatre and I see Jezanthepuss. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 687 live at beacon theatre 00:39:03,300 --> 00:39:05,990 live at beacon theatre And he's walking with this evil-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 688 live at beacon theatre 00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:08,690 live at beacon theatre This kid is like evil stuck out of time. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 689 live at beacon theatre 00:39:08,700 --> 00:39:09,790 live at beacon theatre He's like-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 690 live at beacon theatre 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:12,800 live at beacon theatre I always picture him in a gray live at beacon theatre fur coat with bones in it, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 691 live at beacon theatre 00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:17,000 live at beacon theatre and lots of rings from people live at beacon theatre that he killed, and just walking. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 692 live at beacon theatre 00:39:20,100 --> 00:39:23,500 live at beacon theatre And then I see my daughter and live at beacon theatre she's standing there, just by herself. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 693 live at beacon theatre 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,090 live at beacon theatre And there's Jezanthepuss and live at beacon theatre I know he's going for her. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 694 live at beacon theatre 00:39:26,100 --> 00:39:29,100 live at beacon theatre It was like an action movie thriller thing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 695 live at beacon theatre 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:35,200 live at beacon theatre And I think to myself, I gotta go live at beacon theatre there and I gotta protect her. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 696 live at beacon theatre 00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:38,400 live at beacon theatre But then I thought, let him do live at beacon theatre a little something first. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 697 live at beacon theatre 00:39:38,500 --> 00:39:40,490 live at beacon theatre Let him do just a little something, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 698 live at beacon theatre 00:39:40,500 --> 00:39:43,500 live at beacon theatre because I want this kid in my life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 699 live at beacon theatre 00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:47,500 live at beacon theatre I want a reason. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 700 live at beacon theatre 00:39:49,300 --> 00:39:52,300 live at beacon theatre I want aerial photos of him live at beacon theatre doing some shit to my family live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 701 live at beacon theatre 00:39:53,600 --> 00:39:55,590 live at beacon theatre that I can bring to the U.N. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 702 live at beacon theatre 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:58,490 live at beacon theatre and get authority to waterboard live at beacon theatre this little motherfucker. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 703 live at beacon theatre 00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:00,490 live at beacon theatre I want to-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 704 live at beacon theatre 00:40:00,500 --> 00:40:02,990 live at beacon theatre I want to get him on a live at beacon theatre flight to Venezuela live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 705 live at beacon theatre 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:06,000 live at beacon theatre with an envelope on his head live at beacon theatre and duct tape and all that shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 706 live at beacon theatre 00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:15,800 live at beacon theatre So, anyway, he goes for her, live at beacon theatre grabs her arm, starts twisting it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 707 live at beacon theatre 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,190 live at beacon theatre She goes, "Ahhh!" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 708 live at beacon theatre 00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,490 live at beacon theatre I run over. I'm just knocking kids over. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 709 live at beacon theatre 00:40:19,500 --> 00:40:21,390 live at beacon theatre I run, grab him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 710 live at beacon theatre 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:22,990 live at beacon theatre I look in his little face and I go, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 711 live at beacon theatre 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:26,000 live at beacon theatre Listen to me, Jezanthepuss. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 712 live at beacon theatre 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,290 live at beacon theatre If you ever, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 713 live at beacon theatre 00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:30,790 live at beacon theatre ever, in your life, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 714 live at beacon theatre 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:31,590 live at beacon theatre touch her again-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 715 live at beacon theatre 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:33,490 live at beacon theatre And as I'm doing this I realize live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 716 live at beacon theatre 00:40:33,500 --> 00:40:36,290 live at beacon theatre this is not cool that doing this. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 717 live at beacon theatre 00:40:36,300 --> 00:40:38,890 live at beacon theatre This is totally inappropriate. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 718 live at beacon theatre 00:40:38,900 --> 00:40:41,790 live at beacon theatre It's really wrong. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 719 live at beacon theatre 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:44,800 live at beacon theatre It's way over the top. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 720 live at beacon theatre 00:40:44,900 --> 00:40:45,990 live at beacon theatre It's too grown up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 721 live at beacon theatre 00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:49,700 live at beacon theatre It's like he's a drug dealer in live at beacon theatre my building that I finally fucking-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 722 live at beacon theatre 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,800 live at beacon theatre "This ends now, motherfucker or I will cut you. I don't care." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 723 live at beacon theatre 00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:58,390 live at beacon theatre And he's-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 724 live at beacon theatre 00:40:58,400 --> 00:41:00,390 live at beacon theatre He starts crying pitifully. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 725 live at beacon theatre 00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:03,400 live at beacon theatre And I just, I really did this, I just live at beacon theatre walked away from him. I just got away. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 726 live at beacon theatre 00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:14,190 live at beacon theatre And then all the teachers-- live at beacon theatre everybody gathers around. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 727 live at beacon theatre 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,090 live at beacon theatre Jezanthepuss, what's wrong with you? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 728 live at beacon theatre 00:41:16,100 --> 00:41:19,100 live at beacon theatre And he's like-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 729 live at beacon theatre 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:22,090 live at beacon theatre And he couldn't articulate it live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 730 live at beacon theatre 00:41:22,100 --> 00:41:24,190 live at beacon theatre because he's not getting educated. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 731 live at beacon theatre 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,290 live at beacon theatre Fuck him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 732 live at beacon theatre 00:41:26,300 --> 00:41:28,790 live at beacon theatre I was there going, Yeah, you could live at beacon theatre have told on me bitch, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 733 live at beacon theatre 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:30,990 live at beacon theatre but you're too stupid now, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 734 live at beacon theatre 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:34,000 live at beacon theatre which is your own fault, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 735 live at beacon theatre 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,400 live at beacon theatre you future ditchdigging piece of shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 736 live at beacon theatre 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:41,400 live at beacon theatre Oh, I'm going to love watching you live at beacon theatre grow up into nothing, motherfucker. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 737 live at beacon theatre 00:41:43,300 --> 00:41:44,590 live at beacon theatre I'm gonna watch it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 738 live at beacon theatre 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:47,600 live at beacon theatre I'm gonna fuck your mom live at beacon theatre and not call her too. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 739 live at beacon theatre 00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:50,800 live at beacon theatre I'm gonna ruin her summer. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 740 live at beacon theatre 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,800 live at beacon theatre I'm gonna fuck your mom twice live at beacon theatre and then never call her. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 741 live at beacon theatre 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,990 live at beacon theatre I don't know your dad because he ran live at beacon theatre out on you, but I'm gonna find him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 742 live at beacon theatre 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:03,790 live at beacon theatre I'm gonna turn myself gay and live at beacon theatre then I'm going to fuck him too. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 743 live at beacon theatre 00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:05,590 live at beacon theatre I'm gonna fuck-- live at beacon theatre I'm gonna suck his dick so good live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 744 live at beacon theatre 00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:08,600 live at beacon theatre that he just has to change live at beacon theatre his whole life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 745 live at beacon theatre 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:13,000 live at beacon theatre And I'm gonna move into a place with live at beacon theatre him in the village for a couple live at beacon theatre of months and totally-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 746 live at beacon theatre 00:42:13,300 --> 00:42:15,990 live at beacon theatre He'll cut off ties to all his life live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 747 live at beacon theatre 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:17,990 live at beacon theatre and start wearing cut-offs live at beacon theatre that are really tight. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 748 live at beacon theatre 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:19,190 live at beacon theatre And he'll just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 749 live at beacon theatre 00:42:19,200 --> 00:42:22,200 live at beacon theatre And then I'll go to some Christian live at beacon theatre turn-you-not-gay place. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 750 live at beacon theatre 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:24,390 live at beacon theatre And then I'll come back and go, live at beacon theatre What's wrong with you faggot? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 751 live at beacon theatre 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,400 live at beacon theatre Make him feel bad inside, live at beacon theatre like what has he done. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 752 live at beacon theatre 00:42:36,500 --> 00:42:39,190 live at beacon theatre But you gotta protect your live at beacon theatre kids, you know. You gotta. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 753 live at beacon theatre 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:42,200 live at beacon theatre You gotta protect your kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 754 live at beacon theatre 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:47,400 live at beacon theatre You gotta do it, man. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 755 live at beacon theatre 00:42:48,100 --> 00:42:51,100 live at beacon theatre A lot of people will talk the talk. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 756 live at beacon theatre 00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:55,290 live at beacon theatre A lot of people say that shit. live at beacon theatre I would throw myself under a bus for my-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 757 live at beacon theatre 00:42:55,300 --> 00:42:57,790 live at beacon theatre Oh, yeah, would you fuck another kid's dad, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 758 live at beacon theatre 00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:00,800 live at beacon theatre and confuse him sexually, live at beacon theatre and yourself sexually in the process, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 759 live at beacon theatre 00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:05,000 live at beacon theatre and use homophobia that you live at beacon theatre hate, against another person, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 760 live at beacon theatre 00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:08,400 live at beacon theatre just because some kid shoved live at beacon theatre your kid for a second? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 761 live at beacon theatre 00:43:10,300 --> 00:43:13,290 live at beacon theatre That's my baby girl. I gotta do it, son. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 762 live at beacon theatre 00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:16,300 live at beacon theatre I gotta suck that dick. live at beacon theatre That's my baby girl. live at beacon theatre I gotta do it for her. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 763 live at beacon theatre 00:43:19,300 --> 00:43:20,300 live at beacon theatre Alright. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 764 live at beacon theatre 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:22,000 live at beacon theatre Alright. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 765 live at beacon theatre 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:26,000 live at beacon theatre Alright, I hate that child. live at beacon theatre That's what I'm trying to say. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 766 live at beacon theatre 00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:29,190 live at beacon theatre I've been thinking about my live at beacon theatre memories because I have kids now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 767 live at beacon theatre 00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,390 live at beacon theatre And my kids are at an age live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 768 live at beacon theatre 00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,490 live at beacon theatre where I remember being their age. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 769 live at beacon theatre 00:43:33,500 --> 00:43:34,990 live at beacon theatre I remember being a six year old. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 770 live at beacon theatre 00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:36,090 live at beacon theatre I remember being a nine year old. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 771 live at beacon theatre 00:43:36,100 --> 00:43:38,590 live at beacon theatre And that's a big threshold live at beacon theatre that my kids have crossed, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 772 live at beacon theatre 00:43:38,600 --> 00:43:40,290 live at beacon theatre that I remember being their age. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 773 live at beacon theatre 00:43:40,300 --> 00:43:43,300 live at beacon theatre Because when you're raising kids, live at beacon theatre you're not raising the kid in front of you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 774 live at beacon theatre 00:43:43,900 --> 00:43:46,390 live at beacon theatre You're raising the grown up live at beacon theatre that they're going to be later. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 775 live at beacon theatre 00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:47,990 live at beacon theatre And I was a kid once. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 776 live at beacon theatre 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,700 live at beacon theatre When they were babies, I didn't really live at beacon theatre relate to them because they're babies. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 777 live at beacon theatre 00:43:51,900 --> 00:43:54,890 live at beacon theatre A baby is not going to remember shit live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 778 live at beacon theatre 00:43:54,900 --> 00:43:56,590 live at beacon theatre that is happening to it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 779 live at beacon theatre 00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,390 live at beacon theatre If you have a baby, keep it live at beacon theatre alive and enjoy yourself. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 780 live at beacon theatre 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,400 live at beacon theatre But really, the baby doesn't-- live at beacon theatre It's not going to matter. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 781 live at beacon theatre 00:44:02,500 --> 00:44:04,890 live at beacon theatre A baby is not accumulating anything. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 782 live at beacon theatre 00:44:04,900 --> 00:44:06,990 live at beacon theatre It's like an Etch A Sketch live at beacon theatre that you shake every day. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 783 live at beacon theatre 00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:09,890 live at beacon theatre It doesn't really-- live at beacon theatre It doesn't matter. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 784 live at beacon theatre 00:44:09,900 --> 00:44:14,390 live at beacon theatre You could go up to your baby's face live at beacon theatre every day and say, "Fuck you, baby." live at beacon theatre every day and it wouldn't matter. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 785 live at beacon theatre 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:17,400 live at beacon theatre Hey, baby! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 786 live at beacon theatre 00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:20,490 live at beacon theatre You could do that every day live at beacon theatre and it wouldn't matter. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 787 live at beacon theatre 00:44:20,500 --> 00:44:23,500 live at beacon theatre I mean, they'll grow up with live at beacon theatre a general sadness inside. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 788 live at beacon theatre 00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,600 live at beacon theatre But they won't-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 789 live at beacon theatre 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:30,000 live at beacon theatre They won't actually remember why. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 790 live at beacon theatre 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:35,200 live at beacon theatre And memories are weird because memories live at beacon theatre get distorted by who you are now live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 791 live at beacon theatre 00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:38,990 live at beacon theatre and who you were when live at beacon theatre you experienced them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 792 live at beacon theatre 00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:40,790 live at beacon theatre I remember when I first live at beacon theatre started doing stand-up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 793 live at beacon theatre 00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:44,800 live at beacon theatre I was living in Boston and there was one live at beacon theatre club that was owned by a gay guy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 794 live at beacon theatre 00:44:45,100 --> 00:44:48,500 live at beacon theatre And my memory is that that guy live at beacon theatre was always trying to fuck me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 795 live at beacon theatre 00:44:49,400 --> 00:44:50,590 live at beacon theatre That's my memory. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 796 live at beacon theatre 00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,290 live at beacon theatre I've carried it for 20 years. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 797 live at beacon theatre 00:44:52,300 --> 00:44:55,300 live at beacon theatre There was a gay guy who live at beacon theatre tried to fuck me all the time. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 798 live at beacon theatre 00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:59,100 live at beacon theatre And recently I caught up with an old live at beacon theatre friend of mine from those days, live at beacon theatre who I hadn't seen in years. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 799 live at beacon theatre 00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:02,290 live at beacon theatre And we started talking about different live at beacon theatre people and he brought him up. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 800 live at beacon theatre 00:45:02,300 --> 00:45:04,990 live at beacon theatre And I said, "That guy always live at beacon theatre used to try to fuck me." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 801 live at beacon theatre 00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:06,490 live at beacon theatre And he goes, "He did?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 802 live at beacon theatre 00:45:06,500 --> 00:45:07,290 live at beacon theatre And I was like, "Yeah." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 803 live at beacon theatre 00:45:07,300 --> 00:45:08,990 live at beacon theatre And he goes, live at beacon theatre Really? Did he-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 804 live at beacon theatre 00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:13,200 live at beacon theatre "I mean, did he like take you to his house or something and really try to physically..." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 805 live at beacon theatre 00:45:13,900 --> 00:45:17,400 live at beacon theatre No, it's just that, you know what I mean. live at beacon theatre He was trying to fuck me all the time." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 806 live at beacon theatre 00:45:18,300 --> 00:45:21,190 live at beacon theatre And he was like, "Well did he live at beacon theatre say-- Did he push you-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 807 live at beacon theatre 00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:23,890 live at beacon theatre and say stuff all the time live at beacon theatre and make you uncomfortable?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 808 live at beacon theatre 00:45:23,900 --> 00:45:26,090 live at beacon theatre No, it just was-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 809 live at beacon theatre 00:45:26,100 --> 00:45:29,100 live at beacon theatre And as we went through it, live at beacon theatre the truth came out. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 810 live at beacon theatre 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:32,200 live at beacon theatre The whole story really was, live at beacon theatre there once was a gay man. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 811 live at beacon theatre 00:45:33,300 --> 00:45:35,090 live at beacon theatre That's it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 812 live at beacon theatre 00:45:35,100 --> 00:45:36,990 live at beacon theatre That's really what happened. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 813 live at beacon theatre 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:37,990 live at beacon theatre He was gay. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 814 live at beacon theatre 00:45:38,000 --> 00:45:40,290 live at beacon theatre I was 19. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 815 live at beacon theatre 00:45:40,300 --> 00:45:43,300 live at beacon theatre And now, "He tried to fuck me all the time." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 816 live at beacon theatre 00:45:43,500 --> 00:45:46,500 live at beacon theatre I went through life with that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 817 live at beacon theatre 00:45:47,300 --> 00:45:49,490 live at beacon theatre But I've been trying to live at beacon theatre remember my first memory. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 818 live at beacon theatre 00:45:49,500 --> 00:45:51,690 live at beacon theatre How far do my memories go? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 819 live at beacon theatre 00:45:51,700 --> 00:45:53,490 live at beacon theatre And I remembered my first memory. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 820 live at beacon theatre 00:45:53,500 --> 00:45:55,190 live at beacon theatre I was four years old. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 821 live at beacon theatre 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:58,190 live at beacon theatre I was standing in front of my parents' house live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 822 live at beacon theatre 00:45:58,200 --> 00:46:01,200 live at beacon theatre and I was shitting in my pants. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 823 live at beacon theatre 00:46:01,300 --> 00:46:04,290 live at beacon theatre I was just shitting a massive, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 824 live at beacon theatre 00:46:04,300 --> 00:46:06,990 live at beacon theatre terribly painful shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 825 live at beacon theatre 00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:10,500 live at beacon theatre And I was half way through the shit. live at beacon theatre That's my first memory, being half way-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 826 live at beacon theatre 00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:13,090 live at beacon theatre The first half of the shit, I don't remember it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 827 live at beacon theatre 00:46:13,100 --> 00:46:16,100 live at beacon theatre That's still in the ether of infancy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 828 live at beacon theatre 00:46:17,500 --> 00:46:20,500 live at beacon theatre The center of this shit was so wide live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 829 live at beacon theatre 00:46:21,100 --> 00:46:24,100 live at beacon theatre that I actually came online as a result live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 830 live at beacon theatre 00:46:25,100 --> 00:46:28,100 live at beacon theatre of the anal pain that I was experiencing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 831 live at beacon theatre 00:46:29,300 --> 00:46:32,290 live at beacon theatre It actually awakened me live at beacon theatre --Yee-aahhh-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 832 live at beacon theatre 00:46:32,300 --> 00:46:35,300 live at beacon theatre into the stream of consciousness live at beacon theatre that I'm now living. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 833 live at beacon theatre 00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:42,200 live at beacon theatre That's how my life started. That's who I am. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 834 live at beacon theatre 00:46:47,500 --> 00:46:49,990 live at beacon theatre A lot of my memories I don't like. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 835 live at beacon theatre 00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,490 live at beacon theatre I don't like-- When I was a live at beacon theatre teen-ager I hated all that time. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 836 live at beacon theatre 00:46:52,500 --> 00:46:54,590 live at beacon theatre I hated being a teen-ager, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 837 live at beacon theatre 00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:57,090 live at beacon theatre and then I discovered drugs. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 838 live at beacon theatre 00:46:57,100 --> 00:46:59,890 live at beacon theatre And then that's all I gave a shit about. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 839 live at beacon theatre 00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:01,990 live at beacon theatre I don't know how I'm gonna tell my kids. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 840 live at beacon theatre 00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,190 live at beacon theatre How the fuck do you compete with that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 841 live at beacon theatre 00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,200 live at beacon theatre How do you take a miserable person live at beacon theatre with no control over their lives live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 842 live at beacon theatre 00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:09,190 live at beacon theatre and tell them with a straight face, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 843 live at beacon theatre 00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:11,290 live at beacon theatre Uh, You can't do drugs. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 844 live at beacon theatre 00:47:11,300 --> 00:47:13,190 live at beacon theatre You can't do that, baby. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 845 live at beacon theatre 00:47:13,200 --> 00:47:17,000 live at beacon theatre All drugs are, are a perfect solution to live at beacon theatre every problem you have right now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 846 live at beacon theatre 00:47:18,100 --> 00:47:21,100 live at beacon theatre How do you beat that? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 847 live at beacon theatre 00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,090 live at beacon theatre Drugs are so fucking good live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 848 live at beacon theatre 00:47:24,100 --> 00:47:26,390 live at beacon theatre that they'll ruin your life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 849 live at beacon theatre 00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:29,190 live at beacon theatre That's how good they are. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 850 live at beacon theatre 00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:32,200 live at beacon theatre I can't do drugs now because I'm 44 live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 851 live at beacon theatre 00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:35,390 live at beacon theatre and I can't hook it up. live at beacon theatre I can't make that happen. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 852 live at beacon theatre 00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:38,390 live at beacon theatre If you're 44 and you want to get live at beacon theatre high, you gotta hurt your back. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 853 live at beacon theatre 00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:40,290 live at beacon theatre That's pretty much the live at beacon theatre only option you have. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 854 live at beacon theatre 00:47:40,300 --> 00:47:42,390 live at beacon theatre Hurt your back, get some Percoset. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 855 live at beacon theatre 00:47:42,400 --> 00:47:46,400 live at beacon theatre And then get a babysitter live at beacon theatre and take three at a diner. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 856 live at beacon theatre 00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:49,090 live at beacon theatre Just, sad. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 857 live at beacon theatre 00:47:49,100 --> 00:47:52,100 live at beacon theatre I'm a little drowsy, woooo! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 858 live at beacon theatre 00:47:55,700 --> 00:47:58,700 live at beacon theatre I never really could have-- live at beacon theatre I wish I was a drunk. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 859 live at beacon theatre 00:47:58,800 --> 00:48:02,500 live at beacon theatre I love romantically the idea live at beacon theatre of being a real drunk, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 860 live at beacon theatre 00:48:03,100 --> 00:48:06,100 live at beacon theatre in my bathrobe all day. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 861 live at beacon theatre 00:48:06,500 --> 00:48:10,400 live at beacon theatre Everybody who love's me is always live at beacon theatre crying. "He's destroying himself. live at beacon theatre I can't watch anymore." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 862 live at beacon theatre 00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:14,000 live at beacon theatre Shut up then. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 863 live at beacon theatre 00:48:15,000 --> 00:48:17,190 live at beacon theatre Showing up at my kids school live at beacon theatre play half way through. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 864 live at beacon theatre 00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:20,200 live at beacon theatre You show 'em who you are, baby. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 865 live at beacon theatre 00:48:21,000 --> 00:48:24,000 live at beacon theatre I wish I could be that guy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 866 live at beacon theatre 00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:26,590 live at beacon theatre But I can't drink because I just get tired. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 867 live at beacon theatre 00:48:26,600 --> 00:48:28,090 live at beacon theatre I go to sleep. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 868 live at beacon theatre 00:48:28,100 --> 00:48:31,100 live at beacon theatre I don't know how people live at beacon theatre drink and then do shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 869 live at beacon theatre 00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:34,190 live at beacon theatre When I see movies or TV shows live at beacon theatre where there's people in an office live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 870 live at beacon theatre 00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:36,290 live at beacon theatre having a power meeting and they're live at beacon theatre --clink clink-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 871 live at beacon theatre 00:48:36,300 --> 00:48:39,300 live at beacon theatre They're making a drink in live at beacon theatre the daylight with a tie on. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 872 live at beacon theatre 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:42,390 live at beacon theatre "Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us 873 00:48:42,400 --> 00:48:45,290 on this construction deal, if you know what I'm saying." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 874 live at beacon theatre 00:48:45,300 --> 00:48:48,300 live at beacon theatre Yeah, we'll see what's in it for me. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 875 live at beacon theatre 00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:51,290 live at beacon theatre How is the next scene not all those people live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 876 live at beacon theatre 00:48:51,300 --> 00:48:54,290 live at beacon theatre just lying on the floor going, "Oh, fuck" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 877 live at beacon theatre 00:48:54,300 --> 00:48:57,300 live at beacon theatre I can't believe I drank whiskey at noon. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 878 live at beacon theatre 00:49:01,800 --> 00:49:04,800 live at beacon theatre I can't smoke pot because-- It's the live at beacon theatre same thing. I'm too old for it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 879 live at beacon theatre 00:49:05,300 --> 00:49:06,990 live at beacon theatre Sometimes young people come live at beacon theatre up to me after shows. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 880 live at beacon theatre 00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:08,490 live at beacon theatre Hey, do you want to smoke some pot. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 881 live at beacon theatre 00:49:08,500 --> 00:49:12,500 live at beacon theatre I'm like, Can I get my portion to smoke live at beacon theatre without you, alone, later, because live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 882 live at beacon theatre 00:49:13,000 --> 00:49:16,000 live at beacon theatre I don't want to stand in a parking live at beacon theatre lot with some twenty year-olds. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 883 live at beacon theatre 00:49:18,300 --> 00:49:20,790 live at beacon theatre Last time I got high I was in Kansas City. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 884 live at beacon theatre 00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:23,800 live at beacon theatre And I got high because I was live at beacon theatre in Kansas City. It was shitty. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 885 live at beacon theatre 00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:26,790 live at beacon theatre So after the show, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 886 live at beacon theatre 00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:28,990 live at beacon theatre these kids that worked at live at beacon theatre the club were like, "You live at beacon theatre want to smoke some pot?" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 887 live at beacon theatre 00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:29,990 live at beacon theatre I'm like, "Yes." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 888 live at beacon theatre 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:33,000 live at beacon theatre So, I'm standing in a live at beacon theatre parking lot with these kids, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 889 live at beacon theatre 00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:35,390 live at beacon theatre like 20 years old, and live at beacon theatre we're smoking a joint. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 890 live at beacon theatre 00:49:35,400 --> 00:49:38,090 live at beacon theatre And I'm taking huge hits live at beacon theatre because I had no idea. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 891 live at beacon theatre 00:49:38,100 --> 00:49:40,990 live at beacon theatre I didn't know they had been working on live at beacon theatre this shit like it's the cure for cancer. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 892 live at beacon theatre 00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:46,000 live at beacon theatre I didn't understand the fucking technology live at beacon theatre that's gone into making pot so powerful. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 893 live at beacon theatre 00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:49,090 live at beacon theatre Because when I was a kid you could live at beacon theatre just smoke a joint for a while. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 894 live at beacon theatre 00:49:49,100 --> 00:49:52,100 live at beacon theatre Now you take two hits and you go insane. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 895 live at beacon theatre 00:49:53,200 --> 00:49:55,790 live at beacon theatre It's not doable anymore. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 896 live at beacon theatre 00:49:55,800 --> 00:49:59,500 live at beacon theatre And I was taking big hits, like big 1970's, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 897 live at beacon theatre 00:50:00,100 --> 00:50:03,100 live at beacon theatre jean jacket, Bad Company hits. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 898 live at beacon theatre 00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:09,400 live at beacon theatre [singing] Here come the live at beacon theatre Jesters, one, two, three. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 899 live at beacon theatre 00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:14,200 live at beacon theatre [singing] It's all part of my fantasy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 900 live at beacon theatre 00:50:15,100 --> 00:50:17,290 live at beacon theatre And I'm like, "Yeah" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 901 live at beacon theatre 00:50:17,300 --> 00:50:20,300 live at beacon theatre And even the kid with the wooden live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 902 live at beacon theatre 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,290 live at beacon theatre hole of no ear live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 903 live at beacon theatre 00:50:23,300 --> 00:50:26,300 live at beacon theatre the absense of flesh in live at beacon theatre his ear, with wood. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 904 live at beacon theatre 00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:29,400 live at beacon theatre I don't know what that is. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 905 live at beacon theatre 00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:30,990 live at beacon theatre Even he was like, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 906 live at beacon theatre 00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:34,000 live at beacon theatre "You should be careful. That's a lot of pot. That's very strong marijuana." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 907 live at beacon theatre 00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,790 live at beacon theatre Yeah, I'm fine. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 908 live at beacon theatre 00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:41,290 live at beacon theatre [singing] "Running with the devil." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 909 live at beacon theatre 00:50:41,300 --> 00:50:44,300 live at beacon theatre And in about ten seconds, everything just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 910 live at beacon theatre 00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:53,000 live at beacon theatre And I'm like, "Oh, shit." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 911 live at beacon theatre 00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:57,000 live at beacon theatre This is an ordeal now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 912 live at beacon theatre 00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:03,000 live at beacon theatre I'm not going to feel okay live at beacon theatre for a very long time. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 913 live at beacon theatre 00:51:03,800 --> 00:51:06,800 live at beacon theatre [sigh] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 914 live at beacon theatre 00:51:07,600 --> 00:51:09,490 live at beacon theatre And everybody's just standing live at beacon theatre around and talking. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 915 live at beacon theatre 00:51:09,500 --> 00:51:10,890 live at beacon theatre And I'm hoping, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 916 live at beacon theatre 00:51:10,900 --> 00:51:12,590 live at beacon theatre I'm really hoping, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 917 live at beacon theatre 00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:15,600 live at beacon theatre that I look like this. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 918 live at beacon theatre 00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:24,190 live at beacon theatre But I'm pretty sure live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 919 live at beacon theatre 00:51:24,200 --> 00:51:27,200 live at beacon theatre that I was just scanning insanely. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 920 live at beacon theatre 00:51:35,500 --> 00:51:37,590 live at beacon theatre I was actually counting. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 921 live at beacon theatre 00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:39,090 live at beacon theatre Look at her for five... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 922 live at beacon theatre 00:51:39,100 --> 00:51:39,790 live at beacon theatre four... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 923 live at beacon theatre 00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:40,490 live at beacon theatre three... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 924 live at beacon theatre 00:51:40,500 --> 00:51:41,290 live at beacon theatre two... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 925 live at beacon theatre 00:51:41,300 --> 00:51:42,290 live at beacon theatre ...one. live at beacon theatre Switch to him. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 926 live at beacon theatre 00:51:42,300 --> 00:51:43,290 live at beacon theatre Five... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 927 live at beacon theatre 00:51:43,300 --> 00:51:44,090 live at beacon theatre four... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 928 live at beacon theatre 00:51:44,100 --> 00:51:44,490 live at beacon theatre three... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 929 live at beacon theatre 00:51:44,500 --> 00:51:46,290 live at beacon theatre ...two. Randomize. Don't live at beacon theatre go in the same direction. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 930 live at beacon theatre 00:51:46,300 --> 00:51:47,290 live at beacon theatre Five... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 931 live at beacon theatre 00:51:47,300 --> 00:51:47,690 live at beacon theatre four... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 932 live at beacon theatre 00:51:47,700 --> 00:51:50,700 live at beacon theatre ...three. Nod your head. That looks like live at beacon theatre you're listening if you nod your head. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 933 live at beacon theatre 00:51:57,400 --> 00:52:00,400 live at beacon theatre And at one point I realized, live at beacon theatre I need to get out of here, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 934 live at beacon theatre 00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:03,600 live at beacon theatre because the air is hitting my live at beacon theatre arm weirdly and they can tell. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 935 live at beacon theatre 00:52:04,600 --> 00:52:06,690 live at beacon theatre They totally know live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 936 live at beacon theatre 00:52:06,700 --> 00:52:09,700 live at beacon theatre that I am not handling the way live at beacon theatre air is touching my arm right now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 937 live at beacon theatre 00:52:13,900 --> 00:52:16,590 live at beacon theatre Why am I doing that with my hand. live at beacon theatre That's weird to do with your hand. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 938 live at beacon theatre 00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:19,990 live at beacon theatre Nobody stands like this. live at beacon theatre Nobody stands like this. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 939 live at beacon theatre 00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:22,590 live at beacon theatre Just fucking-- live at beacon theatre No, that's also-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 940 live at beacon theatre 00:52:22,600 --> 00:52:24,890 live at beacon theatre That's weird too. live at beacon theatre That's crazy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 941 live at beacon theatre 00:52:24,900 --> 00:52:26,990 live at beacon theatre Just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 942 live at beacon theatre 00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:28,690 live at beacon theatre Shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 943 live at beacon theatre 00:52:28,700 --> 00:52:30,090 live at beacon theatre I gotta go. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 944 live at beacon theatre 00:52:30,100 --> 00:52:32,490 live at beacon theatre But I didn't know how to leave, live at beacon theatre because I had this dilema. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 945 live at beacon theatre 00:52:32,500 --> 00:52:35,500 live at beacon theatre We're all standing in a perfect live at beacon theatre circle, facing each other. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 946 live at beacon theatre 00:52:36,100 --> 00:52:38,790 live at beacon theatre And I thought it's going to be live at beacon theatre insane if I just turn my-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 947 live at beacon theatre 00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:41,800 live at beacon theatre I'm one person with my back now. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 948 live at beacon theatre 00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:45,400 live at beacon theatre Do I just back away like this live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 949 live at beacon theatre 00:52:45,500 --> 00:52:48,500 live at beacon theatre and hope that they fill in? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 950 live at beacon theatre 00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:50,390 live at beacon theatre And then I thought, no, say something. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 951 live at beacon theatre 00:52:50,400 --> 00:52:53,700 live at beacon theatre Say something out loud to them that live at beacon theatre smooths the transition of you leaving. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 952 live at beacon theatre 00:52:54,900 --> 00:52:57,900 live at beacon theatre Okay, what do I say? Pick a live at beacon theatre thing to say. Goodbye. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 953 live at beacon theatre 00:52:58,000 --> 00:53:01,000 live at beacon theatre That's a nightmare. live at beacon theatre That's just... live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 954 live at beacon theatre 00:53:01,300 --> 00:53:02,890 live at beacon theatre Goodbye? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 955 live at beacon theatre 00:53:02,900 --> 00:53:05,790 live at beacon theatre That's not even-- that's just noises. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 956 live at beacon theatre 00:53:05,800 --> 00:53:08,800 live at beacon theatre Finally I walked away and live at beacon theatre I said, "I'm leaving!" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 957 live at beacon theatre 00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:13,390 live at beacon theatre I know it was that bad live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 958 live at beacon theatre 00:53:13,400 --> 00:53:16,800 live at beacon theatre because they all went, "Whoa. live at beacon theatre Shit. Okay. Alright. Whoa." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 959 live at beacon theatre 00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:21,600 live at beacon theatre I'll never see those people live at beacon theatre again as long I live. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 960 live at beacon theatre 00:53:22,400 --> 00:53:25,400 live at beacon theatre And then I had to get in the car. live at beacon theatre I forgot that I had rented a car live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 961 live at beacon theatre 00:53:25,700 --> 00:53:28,590 live at beacon theatre and I have to drive back to the hotel. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 962 live at beacon theatre 00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:31,600 live at beacon theatre And I'm driving on this highway in Missouri. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 963 live at beacon theatre 00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,990 live at beacon theatre And at one point I realized, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 964 live at beacon theatre 00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:36,490 live at beacon theatre I think it's been about 25 minutes live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 965 live at beacon theatre 00:53:36,500 --> 00:53:39,500 live at beacon theatre since I had looked out the live at beacon theatre front window of this car. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 966 live at beacon theatre 00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:46,000 live at beacon theatre I've just been dealing live at beacon theatre with shit directly in-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 967 live at beacon theatre 00:53:54,100 --> 00:53:56,490 live at beacon theatre Oh, shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 968 live at beacon theatre 00:53:56,500 --> 00:53:58,390 live at beacon theatre There's a whole spectrum of live at beacon theatre responsibility out here. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 969 live at beacon theatre 00:53:58,400 --> 00:54:01,400 live at beacon theatre I'm supposed to take part in this. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 970 live at beacon theatre 00:54:01,800 --> 00:54:04,800 live at beacon theatre And then at one point I remember live at beacon theatre I was at a drive through, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 971 live at beacon theatre 00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:06,990 live at beacon theatre and I was terrified. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 972 live at beacon theatre 00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:10,000 live at beacon theatre Because there's a lady sticking live at beacon theatre her head out a window. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 973 live at beacon theatre 00:54:13,200 --> 00:54:16,200 live at beacon theatre And she's mad. She's going, "Sir!" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 974 live at beacon theatre 00:54:16,700 --> 00:54:18,090 live at beacon theatre Sirrr! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 975 live at beacon theatre 00:54:18,100 --> 00:54:20,490 live at beacon theatre I just kept saying, live at beacon theatre I don't know. I don't know. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 976 live at beacon theatre 00:54:20,500 --> 00:54:22,190 live at beacon theatre I don't know! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 977 live at beacon theatre 00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:25,200 live at beacon theatre I had the window closed. live at beacon theatre I had no fucking idea. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 978 live at beacon theatre 00:54:25,300 --> 00:54:28,300 live at beacon theatre What part of the transaction am I--? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 979 live at beacon theatre 00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:31,890 live at beacon theatre Did I pay yet? Have I ordered? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 980 live at beacon theatre 00:54:31,900 --> 00:54:34,900 live at beacon theatre Have I been sitting here for live at beacon theatre 40 minutes just eating live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 981 live at beacon theatre 00:54:36,100 --> 00:54:39,100 live at beacon theatre at the window, and I ate the live at beacon theatre paper and everything? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 982 live at beacon theatre 00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:41,490 live at beacon theatre Sirrr! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 983 live at beacon theatre 00:54:41,500 --> 00:54:43,490 live at beacon theatre And I just went, live at beacon theatre I don't know! I don't want it! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 984 live at beacon theatre 00:54:43,500 --> 00:54:46,500 live at beacon theatre And I just fucking bolted. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 985 live at beacon theatre 00:54:51,400 --> 00:54:54,400 live at beacon theatre So I can't do that anymore. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 986 live at beacon theatre 00:54:57,100 --> 00:54:58,990 live at beacon theatre But you get older and some live at beacon theatre things you can't do anymore. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 987 live at beacon theatre 00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:00,490 live at beacon theatre Some things you don't live at beacon theatre want to do anymore. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 988 live at beacon theatre 00:55:00,500 --> 00:55:01,790 live at beacon theatre It's a nice change. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 989 live at beacon theatre 00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:03,790 live at beacon theatre You feel some desires fall away. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 990 live at beacon theatre 00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:05,690 live at beacon theatre New things make you happy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 991 live at beacon theatre 00:55:05,700 --> 00:55:08,490 live at beacon theatre But some things don't change live at beacon theatre and some things I'm sick of. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 992 live at beacon theatre 00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:09,990 live at beacon theatre Like the constant live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 993 live at beacon theatre 00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:12,090 live at beacon theatre just the constant live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 994 live at beacon theatre 00:55:12,100 --> 00:55:14,990 live at beacon theatre perverted, sexual thoughts. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 995 live at beacon theatre 00:55:15,000 --> 00:55:17,490 live at beacon theatre I'm so tired of those. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 996 live at beacon theatre 00:55:17,500 --> 00:55:18,800 live at beacon theatre Just the constant-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 997 live at beacon theatre 00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:24,290 live at beacon theatre Suck it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 998 live at beacon theatre 00:55:24,300 --> 00:55:25,990 live at beacon theatre It just makes me into an idiot. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 999 live at beacon theatre 00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:28,590 live at beacon theatre I'm jacking off to morons. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1000 live at beacon theatre 00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:29,190 live at beacon theatre Look at my tits. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1001 live at beacon theatre 00:55:29,200 --> 00:55:31,090 live at beacon theatre Yeah, your tits are awesome. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1002 live at beacon theatre 00:55:31,100 --> 00:55:34,100 live at beacon theatre It's just a dumb part of live at beacon theatre life that I'm sick of. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1003 live at beacon theatre 00:55:35,500 --> 00:55:36,790 live at beacon theatre It's all day too. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1004 live at beacon theatre 00:55:36,800 --> 00:55:38,390 live at beacon theatre It's just-- live at beacon theatre You can't have a day. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1005 live at beacon theatre 00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:41,400 live at beacon theatre I just want to be a person in clothes live at beacon theatre walking in a store and just-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1006 live at beacon theatre 00:55:42,800 --> 00:55:44,590 live at beacon theatre I just want to go to the live at beacon theatre library and ask for-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1007 live at beacon theatre 00:55:44,600 --> 00:55:47,190 live at beacon theatre Hi, ma'am, is there-- I'm live at beacon theatre looking for a book about live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1008 live at beacon theatre 00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:49,990 live at beacon theatre early Abraham Lincoln, live at beacon theatre like when he was-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1009 live at beacon theatre 00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:52,990 live at beacon theatre I wish I could wrap your hair live at beacon theatre around my dick and-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1010 live at beacon theatre 00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:55,890 live at beacon theatre Oh, shit. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1011 live at beacon theatre 00:55:55,900 --> 00:55:58,690 live at beacon theatre I'm trying to talk to her! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1012 live at beacon theatre 00:55:58,700 --> 00:55:59,900 live at beacon theatre [sigh] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1013 live at beacon theatre 00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:03,090 live at beacon theatre That's really a male problem. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1014 live at beacon theatre 00:56:03,100 --> 00:56:06,900 live at beacon theatre It's really a male problem, not being able live at beacon theatre to control your constant sexual impulse. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1015 live at beacon theatre 00:56:07,000 --> 00:56:08,590 live at beacon theatre Women try to compete. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1016 live at beacon theatre 00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:11,600 live at beacon theatre Well, I'm a pervert. You don't know. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1017 live at beacon theatre 00:56:12,000 --> 00:56:13,890 live at beacon theatre I have really sick sexual thoughts. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1018 live at beacon theatre 00:56:13,900 --> 00:56:16,490 live at beacon theatre No, you have no idea. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1019 live at beacon theatre 00:56:16,500 --> 00:56:19,500 live at beacon theatre You have no idea. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1020 live at beacon theatre 00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,890 live at beacon theatre See, you get to have those thoughts. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1021 live at beacon theatre 00:56:21,900 --> 00:56:24,900 live at beacon theatre I have to have them. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1022 live at beacon theatre 00:56:25,100 --> 00:56:28,090 live at beacon theatre You're a tourist in sexual perversion. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1023 live at beacon theatre 00:56:28,100 --> 00:56:30,890 live at beacon theatre I'm a prisoner there. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1024 live at beacon theatre 00:56:30,900 --> 00:56:32,690 live at beacon theatre You're Jane Fonda on a tank. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1025 live at beacon theatre 00:56:32,700 --> 00:56:34,590 live at beacon theatre I'm John McCain in the hut. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1026 live at beacon theatre 00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:36,990 live at beacon theatre It's a nightmare. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1027 live at beacon theatre 00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:39,000 live at beacon theatre I can't lift my arms. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1028 live at beacon theatre 00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:46,200 live at beacon theatre And for men, sex just is live at beacon theatre such a constant thing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1029 live at beacon theatre 00:56:46,500 --> 00:56:49,500 live at beacon theatre It's not even sex to us. It's just pussy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1030 live at beacon theatre 00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:51,190 live at beacon theatre That's what we call it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1031 live at beacon theatre 00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:53,790 live at beacon theatre Pussy... it has nothing to do with women. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1032 live at beacon theatre 00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:56,800 live at beacon theatre It's not about girls or chicks live at beacon theatre like it was in the 50's. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1033 live at beacon theatre 00:56:57,100 --> 00:56:59,490 live at beacon theatre There's no guys anywhere live at beacon theatre in the world saying, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1034 live at beacon theatre 00:56:59,500 --> 00:57:03,300 live at beacon theatre "Let's go meet some chicks and kiss them on the mouth and see what happens." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1035 live at beacon theatre 00:57:04,200 --> 00:57:05,790 live at beacon theatre There's none of that. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1036 live at beacon theatre 00:57:05,800 --> 00:57:08,800 live at beacon theatre "Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm around a girl." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1037 live at beacon theatre 00:57:10,300 --> 00:57:11,890 live at beacon theatre Mmmm, Vanessa, I love-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1038 live at beacon theatre 00:57:11,900 --> 00:57:12,890 live at beacon theatre No, it's not. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1039 live at beacon theatre 00:57:12,900 --> 00:57:14,790 live at beacon theatre It's just live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1040 live at beacon theatre 00:57:14,800 --> 00:57:16,190 live at beacon theatre pussy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1041 live at beacon theatre 00:57:16,200 --> 00:57:16,990 live at beacon theatre Pussy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1042 live at beacon theatre 00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:20,000 live at beacon theatre It's not even a pussy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1043 live at beacon theatre 00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:29,000 live at beacon theatre It's not some peoples' pussies. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1044 live at beacon theatre 00:57:29,100 --> 00:57:31,490 live at beacon theatre It's just pussy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1045 live at beacon theatre 00:57:31,500 --> 00:57:34,500 live at beacon theatre Like big pink balloon letters in live at beacon theatre front of our faces all the time. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1046 live at beacon theatre 00:57:35,700 --> 00:57:38,700 live at beacon theatre To men it's just an live at beacon theatre element of the universe, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1047 live at beacon theatre 00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:42,000 live at beacon theatre like it should be on the live at beacon theatre chart of the elements live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1048 live at beacon theatre 00:57:42,500 --> 00:57:45,500 live at beacon theatre next to tin and ammonia. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1049 live at beacon theatre 00:57:45,800 --> 00:57:51,000 live at beacon theatre P-y with an atomic weight of 12 live at beacon theatre or whatever pussy atoms weigh. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1050 live at beacon theatre 00:57:55,300 --> 00:57:58,300 live at beacon theatre The sad thing is that for all our obsession live at beacon theatre about sex and how much we love it, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1051 live at beacon theatre 00:57:58,800 --> 00:58:00,690 live at beacon theatre we suck at it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1052 live at beacon theatre 00:58:00,700 --> 00:58:02,290 live at beacon theatre Men are terrible at sex. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1053 live at beacon theatre 00:58:02,300 --> 00:58:05,300 live at beacon theatre It never even occurs to us to do it well. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1054 live at beacon theatre 00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:07,990 live at beacon theatre Women just make sex great. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1055 live at beacon theatre 00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:09,390 live at beacon theatre Women are the good part of sex. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1056 live at beacon theatre 00:58:09,400 --> 00:58:11,390 live at beacon theatre They accept the dick with grace live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1057 live at beacon theatre 00:58:11,400 --> 00:58:13,490 live at beacon theatre and they turn it into art. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1058 live at beacon theatre 00:58:13,500 --> 00:58:16,390 live at beacon theatre Or they climb on and they ride. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1059 live at beacon theatre 00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:17,990 live at beacon theatre They go for a ride. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1060 live at beacon theatre 00:58:18,000 --> 00:58:21,000 live at beacon theatre Men don't. We just climb on. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1061 live at beacon theatre 00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:28,000 live at beacon theatre [grunting] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1062 live at beacon theatre 00:58:28,700 --> 00:58:30,590 live at beacon theatre I'm putting my dick in you. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1063 live at beacon theatre 00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:32,090 live at beacon theatre Put it in. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1064 live at beacon theatre 00:58:32,100 --> 00:58:33,290 live at beacon theatre Shove it in. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1065 live at beacon theatre 00:58:33,300 --> 00:58:36,300 live at beacon theatre Shove it. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1066 live at beacon theatre 00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:38,690 live at beacon theatre [grunting] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1067 live at beacon theatre 00:58:38,700 --> 00:58:39,990 live at beacon theatre You ever fuck when you're out of shape? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1068 live at beacon theatre 00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:43,000 live at beacon theatre You're like, "Ugh, shit. This is--" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1069 live at beacon theatre 00:58:43,500 --> 00:58:46,500 live at beacon theatre My stomach muscles are not strong. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1070 live at beacon theatre 00:58:47,300 --> 00:58:50,300 live at beacon theatre [grunting] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1071 live at beacon theatre 00:58:55,400 --> 00:58:57,190 live at beacon theatre We're so bad at sex live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1072 live at beacon theatre 00:58:57,200 --> 00:59:00,700 live at beacon theatre and then we wonder why women live at beacon theatre aren't really aggressive about sex. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1073 live at beacon theatre 00:59:01,100 --> 00:59:03,990 live at beacon theatre We think it's because they don't live at beacon theatre have as much desire as we do. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1074 live at beacon theatre 00:59:04,000 --> 00:59:06,290 live at beacon theatre That's how stupid men are. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1075 live at beacon theatre 00:59:06,300 --> 00:59:09,290 live at beacon theatre We think they're just weird. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1076 live at beacon theatre 00:59:09,300 --> 00:59:11,590 live at beacon theatre "Women are fucked up in the head, 1077 00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:14,090 because they don't want to just fuck all the time." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1078 live at beacon theatre 00:59:14,100 --> 00:59:17,100 live at beacon theatre "If I was a women, I'd just fuck everybody." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1079 live at beacon theatre 00:59:17,300 --> 00:59:19,690 live at beacon theatre "Why don't they want to fuck all the time? I do." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1080 live at beacon theatre 00:59:19,700 --> 00:59:23,000 live at beacon theatre Of course you do, because when live at beacon theatre you fuck, you get to fuck a woman. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1081 live at beacon theatre 00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:28,800 live at beacon theatre When she fucks, she has to fuck a guy. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1082 live at beacon theatre 00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:36,490 live at beacon theatre Wildly different experience. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1083 live at beacon theatre 00:59:36,500 --> 00:59:39,500 live at beacon theatre For a man, 100% of the time live at beacon theatre he's fucking a woman live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1084 live at beacon theatre 00:59:39,800 --> 00:59:42,800 live at beacon theatre it's the greatest thing that ever live at beacon theatre happened in his entire life. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1085 live at beacon theatre 00:59:43,500 --> 00:59:46,990 live at beacon theatre For a woman, about 40% of the time she's live at beacon theatre being fucked by a guy she's thinking, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1086 live at beacon theatre 00:59:47,000 --> 00:59:50,000 live at beacon theatre "I'll get over this in a week. It's not the worst thing." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1087 live at beacon theatre 00:59:50,500 --> 00:59:53,500 live at beacon theatre I'm not going to cry this time. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1088 live at beacon theatre 00:59:58,100 --> 01:00:02,500 live at beacon theatre Another thing that proves how bad men live at beacon theatre are at sex is that after sex you're live at beacon theatre looking at two very different people. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1089 live at beacon theatre 01:00:03,900 --> 01:00:07,600 live at beacon theatre The man just wants to lay there live at beacon theatre and be cool and the woman live at beacon theatre wants to cuddle. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1090 live at beacon theatre 01:00:08,100 --> 01:00:10,190 live at beacon theatre It's something that men love live at beacon theatre to make fun of women for. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1091 live at beacon theatre 01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:12,790 live at beacon theatre "They always want to cuddle. It's so needy." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1092 live at beacon theatre 01:00:12,800 --> 01:00:15,490 live at beacon theatre "I already fucked you. Just let me watch the game." live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1093 live at beacon theatre 01:00:15,500 --> 01:00:18,090 live at beacon theatre I'm so cool. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1094 live at beacon theatre 01:00:18,100 --> 01:00:19,190 live at beacon theatre What are you thinking about? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1095 live at beacon theatre 01:00:19,200 --> 01:00:22,200 live at beacon theatre Shut up. Leave me alone. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1096 live at beacon theatre 01:00:23,200 --> 01:00:24,690 live at beacon theatre Why is she so needy? live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1097 live at beacon theatre 01:00:24,700 --> 01:00:26,290 live at beacon theatre She's not needy, you idiot. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1098 live at beacon theatre 01:00:26,300 --> 01:00:30,300 live at beacon theatre She's horny, because you live at beacon theatre did nothing for her. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1099 live at beacon theatre 01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:33,800 live at beacon theatre You did absolutely nothing. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1100 live at beacon theatre 01:00:34,200 --> 01:00:37,200 live at beacon theatre Her pussy is on fire live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1101 live at beacon theatre 01:00:37,400 --> 01:00:40,400 live at beacon theatre because it's gone unfucked completely. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1102 live at beacon theatre 01:00:41,300 --> 01:00:44,190 live at beacon theatre Of course you're fine, because live at beacon theatre you climbed on and went-- live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1103 live at beacon theatre 01:00:44,200 --> 01:00:46,490 live at beacon theatre and then rolled off. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1104 live at beacon theatre 01:00:46,500 --> 01:00:47,890 live at beacon theatre And she's on you because she's going, live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1105 live at beacon theatre 01:00:47,900 --> 01:00:50,900 live at beacon theatre "What the--? Something else has to happen!" live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1106 live at beacon theatre 01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:54,600 live at beacon theatre This is bullshit! live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1107 live at beacon theatre 01:00:57,600 --> 01:01:01,000 live at beacon theatre If you fuck a woman well live at beacon theatre she will leave you alone. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1108 live at beacon theatre 01:01:02,100 --> 01:01:05,100 live at beacon theatre Thanks a lot, buddy. live at beacon theatre [snoring] live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1109 live at beacon theatre 01:01:09,300 --> 01:01:12,300 live at beacon theatre Thanks a lot, folks. live at beacon theatre I hope you enjoyed the show. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1110 live at beacon theatre 01:01:13,800 --> 01:01:16,790 live at beacon theatre You guys were great. live at beacon theatre Thank you very very much. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1111 live at beacon theatre 01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:18,100 live at beacon theatre Good night. live at beacon theatre live at beacon theatre 1112 live at beacon theatre 01:01:20,000 --> 01:20:22,000 live at beacon theatre [end of subtitles]